Today we have officially had Silas for one month! It has been a very emotional month! I have never been so elated, exhausted, frustrated and overjoyed all at the same time. When my girls were born I remember feeling like I could not remember life before them. I know with each of them, when they were 2 weeks old, I remember thinking what did I do before they were here? It was like my memory of life before them did not exist. Honestly, I can remember life before Silas. I'm not saying this in a bad way - I love him dearly. But, life was just easier then, ya know? I would not change anything and I know in time our family will get back into the groove of life. Each day is a little better than the last.

I've decided to stop posting on our family blog and to just use this one. It's easier to just have one blog to update, and I know most people check this one. I needed a new color scheme and hope to make a few more changes as I have time (which is rare these days!).

Thank you to everyone for your sweet comments on my last post. I am so thankful to have your support! We had a great day on Sunday and today was really hard again. I know soon the good days will begin to out number the bad days - hopefully soon! The sad thing is I only had all of the kids this afternoon and I am mentally, emotionally and physically worn out!

Madelyn and I went school shopping this morning. This is a tradition we started two years ago when she was going to preschool and is one I know we will continue hopefully though college! I can't wait to take Caroline in a few weeks before she starts preschool. She looked so forward to today. The morning was all about her. We went to the mall and bought her 2 new pairs of shoes for school. She finally wears a 9 1/2! Then we went to buy her special first day of school outfit. We went to a large department store who will remain nameless and I was disgusted! Every thing she picked up looked like it was meant for a 15 year old, not a 5 year old. We left and went to Gymboree. This store is too expensive for me unless they are having a major sale, but I new that they would have appropriate clothing and I wanted her to have something special for her first day of kindergarten. She picked out the cutest little navy knit dress that is covered in apples. I'll post pictures tomorrow.

We then did lunch (just like the ladies) at Olive Garden and she thought she was tough stuff. After that we went to Wal-mart and bought all of her items on her supply list. Pink was the color of choice for folders and notebooks! We had a fun morning running through the rain, laughing, talking and hopefully making memories she will remember forever!

Caroline and Silas stayed with Tara and she said they did great. Maybe he's just really bad for me! I think the combo of Caroline and Silas together with me is bad. They both get jealous. The Caroline quote from Saturday - "Can we take Silas back to China?" Yes - this is my life! Even though it's hard right now, I love it (most of the time!).

I knew going into this adoption it would be hard and it has been. Not every day is hard, and not every hour of every day is hard, but some are! It is difficult to add a toddler to a family when there are already young children in the family. I don't think I was mentally prepared for this. My only experience has been bringing home a newborn, not a 22 month old! It is just very, very different. There is no easing into things, it's more like a freight train coming into your family. You do not have the different stages of baby proofing your home, you just jump right to the last one where they can rip down and destroy everything.

I know Silas is supposed to be in our family. He is ours and God planned it this way. I love him and my love for him is growing each day, but it still feels different than the love I have for my girls. I read the blog of another adoptive mom who also has other children at home and she said she felt like she was babysitting. I understand her feelings although I definitely feel like he is my son. We waited for Silas and loved him from the first photo, but deep love like I have for my girls takes time. I hesitate in writing this, but it is reality. I know in my soul that as time passes my love will deepen just as it has with my girls.

By the time my girls were two, they knew certain expectations we had of them. It is totally different with an adoption. It's like we are starting with a newborn, but he is already almost 2. I am trying to figure out how I need to adjust my expectations without leaning too far in the direction of catering to his every whim and spoiling him. We are on a totally foreign journey and at times I feel like I am loosing my path.

Maybe that's why God led us to adoption, specifically to adopt Silas. Maybe I need to be bumped from my path and my plan. It's really all about God's path and God's plan. I know with no doubt that this adoption was God's plan for us. I know he will change me through this which he as called me to and I am ready for the challenge! I need to stop relying on me and start relying on Him who will equip me with everything I need to make it though the day. We are studying James at church and this scripture helped me today, "Dear brothers & sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong and character and ready for anything." James 1:2-4. Lord, help me to be joyful at all times, even those times when I have a screaming toddler, a whining 3 year old and a bossy 5 year old. : )

Yesterday, Silas had his visit with the International Adoption Clinic. He was a trooper! We arrived around 8:30 and did paperwork. Then around 9:15 they called him back, he was weighed & measured (21.2 lbs and 31 in). He is so tiny! The doctor and the OT came in and asked lots of questions about what he could do, what he was eating etc. Then we went into another room with the OT and he got to play! She wanted to check his motor skills and I am happy to say he passed! No OT needed.
Next, we went back with the doctor. She did a thorough exam and we didn't really learn anything new. The main things are - he has a flat head from laying in his bed a lot. This is not a big deal and will thankfully not affect his brain! Obviously his ears - but the good news is he does have openings inside his hear. She could not see very far, but when I had him at our regular pediatrician he told me he could see ear drums. I guess we'll see for sure when we go to the specialist. He had about 10 vials of blood taken - poor baby! He cried and screamed but we made it through.
We have several follow up things to do. He has his first dentist appointment scheduled, we are seeing an ENT at Cincinnati's Children's, we will see a geneticist (she takes 6-9 months to get into), and we have to obtain and send back 3 stool samples (lovely!). Tomorrow we go to the doctor to have his TB test read. We also are going to repeat his immunizations. Our doctor told us not to trust any of the Chinese medical information so we felt it best to start from scratch. Overall it was a very successful day! Sorry, no pictures!

On the home front, things are improving. Silas and Caroline are starting to enjoy each other more and play nicer together. Silas is crying less!!! He is having less tantrums!!! He enjoys playing!!! All of these things are making for much better days. Last night at dinner we got him to sign more and drink. We would all show him the sign, he would do it and we would all clap - he got so excited! Hopefully we can continue to use/teach him more signs to help with communication. That is probably our biggest challenge right now. Off to see what the day will bring!

Yesterday, Jason's dad baptized Silas! It was a very special day for us. The church we go to now believes in immersion when a child is old enough to make a personal decision to follow Christ, but Jason and I were both raised in churches where infant baptism is practiced. Both of the girls were baptized as infants and we wanted the same for him. Thankfully we have a pastor in the family! Jason's parents and my family came over as well as our friends Emily, Lennie and Brad. We baptized him in the front yard and he wore a special traditional Chinese outfit we had bought in while in China. We pray that this is just the beginning of his relationship with Christ and that Silas will grow up knowing and loving Jesus. (For some reason when I cut and pasted the words it underlined them and I can't get it off! Can anyone help?)

It's been a little over a week since we've been home from China. Well, not really if you count being gone to MN. Silas has been home for good since Sunday night. He is doing really well. We are adjusting, he is adjusting and I know it will take some time. For the most part though, it is going very well. He is sleeping fairly well, eating great, and enjoys playing with the girls. He also is having tantrums, crying and well - trying to learn to play nicely! The good definitely outweighs the bad! Enjoy pictures for all of Silas' firsts!

Last post from China!! We have loved our time here in China, but are very excited to get back to the USA! We miss our girls, we miss our bed, our house, our dog, salads, ice, fruit and veggies! We can't wait for our son to meet his sisters!

The big thing for today was our oath ceremony at the US Consulate. It was not a big deal at all. Cameras were not allowed so there are no pictures. If they had been allowed, I would have taken a picture of the sign in the bathroom that said to put your feet on the floor, not on the toilet seat! : ) I guess people are used to using the squatty potty and don't know how to use a regular one! Basically they asked if all of our information was truthful, we raised our right hand and said yes - that's it. We did get Silas' visa so he can officially enter the US. The rest of the day was spent shopping and eating. Yes, we do have it very rough here in Guangzhou!

We had another good day here in China! Jason woke up feeling much better and we are very thankful for Cipro. After breakfast, I went to the mall with the other ladies and the dads and babies stayed in the room for our consulate appointment. They have to wait in the room while our guide takes our paperwork to the consulate. If there are problems we get a phone call, but everything went great! YEAH!

After shopping this morning at the pearl market and the DVD store, I came back to the hotel and we went shopping some more around the island. We got more souveirs and some really nice gifts to bring back. We then had the famous red couch photo's that adoptive families do, and then shopped some more! Here is our day in pictures.

Thank you all so much for all of your comments and supporting words! We apologize we cannot respond back to you, time with an almost 2 year old does not allow that, but we are very thankful for all of your thoughts! Today we had a nice Sunday. Jason is really sick tonight, he must have eaten something bad, so please pray for him! He started on our Cipro, so hopefully by morning he will be feeling better.

Silas is doing well. He has lots and I repeat LOTS of tantrums, for no apparent reason. He does not want to be held, he turns to jello if I try to put him down to walk, he doesn't want a snack or drink. He just wants to scream! Hmm, I think he is almost 2! Other than the tantrums, he is doing well. He loves to play, is sleeping very well now, and is bonding great with Jason & I both. Tonight since J is so sick, we went to a park to play after dinner with some other families. He loved it! He tends to be very shy in public, but he had so much fun going down the slide. He even went head first! At bedtime, I put him in his crib and he cried for maybe 10 seconds - WOW! Major improvement over 30 minutes. He was awake and I just held his hand and sat with him for about 25 minutes until he fell asleep. He has to be touching me to sleep.