Waiting for my Rainbow

Well, I tested today and got a BFN. After the last two days I expected it. On Saturday I had some pink spotting. I was really hoping it was just implantation bleeding since I was only 8DPO. Then I had some uncomfortable lower back and abdominal cramping all day. That made me think of the fact that I wasn't peeing as much as I had been. Then of course I had to check and see if my nipples were still sensitive. While they were still sensitive, they didn't seem nearly as tender as they had been just the day before.

I kept hoping that it was still implantation related bleeding and cramping but my hope was fading. Then on Sunday I had more spotting. This time it was red. I didn't have any cramps all morning so I was still hoping it was implantation related but worried because it was red. Then even more uncomfortable cramping started and continued the rest of the day. I had a good feeling at that point that I probably wasn't going to be seeing two lines on a pregnancy test this month. I tested this morning anyway. I saw it was negative, went back to bed for an hour, then got up and told Andrew I wasn't pregnant. Then I cried. I've also been having some serious cramping since I woke up. Unfortunately my temperature can't tell me anything since they've been all over the place this month.

AF will show up tomorrow. I guess Santa decided not to bring me what I really wanted for Christmas this year. I called the doctor’s office this morning and made an appointment. I had such an irregular cycle (42 days) and this is the second cycle in a row where I had mid-cycle spotting/bleeding and spotted for 2-3 days before AF. Until these cycles I've never in my life had spotting before my period, even when I've had irregularly long ones, or mid/cycle bleeding, so that has got to be indicative of some kind of issue. Unfortunately, my doctor is out of the office for the rest of year and the earliest I could get an appointment was January 10th due to a cancelation. She offered to make an appointment with another doctor but since I've seen her all through my losses I didn't want to see another doctor who doesn’t know the situation and would probably just glance at my chart, leaving me to explain everything.

As soon as I got off the phone I had a pretty uncontrollable cry. I just feel so helpless. I want to find out what's going on and get pregnant more than anything, but at what cost? Our deductible resets January 1st so we'll have to pay out of pocket for any testing, so if she suggests any testing, I'll have to wait until I get a job. That's depressing because what if testing could reveal that something is going on but I can't get it done because I can't afford it? What if nothing is going on and we waste more money and time trying to figure that out? It's a lose-lose situation.

I keep crying. I had to take the day off work. I think it would look weird if I went in with extremely blood shot eyes and cried all day. Stupid hormones making this so much worse. I knew that this month would be a bigger disappointment than others if I wasn't pregnant but I didn't think it would be this hard. I just want a baby. Is that too much to ask for?

Does anyone else want to tell this time of year to suck it?! I can't get into the holiday spirit. I'm not merry. I wish that people didn't think I was weird because of this. I do have so much in my life I am grateful for but I don't have anything to celebrate. Christmas is about love and family, but my family is incomplete. My little boys can't be here to celebrate with me.

We haven't put up any decorations this year. We don't plan on it. No lights. No tree. No presents. In addition to just not feeling up to celebrating, we can't afford much since I won't have a job soon. We've been trying to find people to take over our lease so we can move somewhere cheaper but haven't had much luck. I don't know what's going to happen next month when rent and utilites are due and it leaves us completely broke or we can't pay. Hopefully I'll find a job before then so that won't happen but I've been looking and applying for jobs for 2 months, had one interview, but I still don't have a job lined up.

Andrew and I told our parents that we can't really afford Christmas this year. My mom is fine with not doing a gift exchange. She's been under some financial hardship lately and can't afford much either. She wants to do dinner, which will be really nice. Then yesterday she said still wants to make us a little something though. Great. We tried to set-up Secret Santa with Andrew's family to minimize costs but that fell apart. We told them all that we can't afford anything. They're ok with us not getting them anything but they all still want to get us something. Fantastic. Nothing like feeling guilty at the holidays.

It's sweet of them to still want to get us something but it makes me feel like a terrible person. Is it so weird to say let's just skip Christmas this year? You guys go ahead and buy gifts for each other but skip us. *sigh* I don't like getting something for nothing, especially for Christmas. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. I loved giving gifts to my family. That was the best part. Now I just dislike all holidays. But I can't not get gifts. I decided to knit scarves for my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and mom. It's an inexpensive gift but hopefully it'll mean a lot to them to have a homemade gift. I'll have to post pictures when I finish. We're going to spend a little money to get gift certificates for Andrew's nieces for the Kindles their parents are getting them. I don't know what to do for the guys in the family. I'd knit them scarves but I don't think they'd appreciate that so much.

Another thing weighing on me is having another Christmas where I'm not pregnant. Last Christmas, just a month after we lost Holden, I told myself that I would have a baby in my arms by next Christmas. Then, after losing Parker, I told myself that I would be pregnant by now. After getting pregnant with them so quickly who would think I'd still be here, empty, 6 months after hopping back on the TTC train, 9 months after losing my last little boy.

I'm actually in the 2WW right now. I'll know by the 21st if I'm pregnant. I had such a strange cycle that there's a big part of me that thinks that I couldn't possibly be pregnant. I had spotting for two days before Aunt Flo showed up last month and there were lots of little clots. Then I had bleeding on CD14 and CD15 that my doctor explained away as ovulation spotting. It wasn't spotting, it was bleeding. They did do some hormonal tests that came back normal, but I didn't even think to ask what they tested. Well, I didn't ovulate until CD31 according to my OPKs. Even if I ovulated when I normally do, around CD20-24, there is no way that bleeding was related to ovulation. My temps have been all over the place and didn't confirm ovulation. I'm not even sure if I ovulated but I'm trying to be hopeful.

Unlike previous cycles where I was pretty confident I wasn't pregnant, I'm just not sure this time. I'm 7DPO and do actually have some strong symptoms. Since about 4DPO in this cycle I've had super sensitive nipples. Like if my shirt moves the wrong way it hurts and I have to be careful about facing towards the water in the shower because it feels like a waterfall on my chest! And as of yesterday I have been peeing more and waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Not much more than usual, but enough to make me notice it. 'Didn't I just go to the bathroom an hour ago?' Since my chemical pregnancy I'm wary of symptoms. I know their presence doesn't guarantee anything, just like pregnancy itself. I could be pregnant and then find out two days later that I'm not anymore. Or I could not be pregnant at all. I had one cycle where I was nauseas during the 2WW. This better not be my body's idea of a joke. Unfortunately, symptoms bring hope and I'm going to feel so let down if I'm not pregnant. Especially right before Christmas when I really need something to be happy about. I need a Christmas miracle, if miracles still exist.

Sorry I have been MIA for awhile now. I've been super busy at work which leaves me no time to blog at work (don't tell my boss!) and too exhausted at the end of the day to even open my laptop. Things are finally back to normal so I'll have lots more free time...especially since I won't have a job in three weeks. I probably mentioned it before but here it is again- I'm being laid off. Well, technically I'm a contractor and my contract expires Januray 4th and they're not renewing me, but it's the same thing really. I've really had to think about what the heck I'm going to do come January!

I feel like I have been putting so much of my life on hold. Everything I think about is accompanied by "but what if I become pregnant?" I don't want to commit to anything because I could become pregnant, which would disrupt whatever it is that I might be doing. I don't want to plan too far in the future because I know the future can change with no warning. I kept worrying about when I should look for a new job because if I become pregnant, I'll eventually have to go on maternity leave. I was thinking I would just stay at my job while I get pregnant again and look for jobs while I'm on maternity leave. I knew I didn't want to come back. Well, since my contract won't be renewed, that choice was taken away from me. I have to do something. I've decided instead of JUST looking for another job I don't want (I still need to find a job though), that I'm going back to school. For nursing.

It's something that I've thought about for a couple of years now but it always seemed out of my reach. Just the waitlist is about 2 years and I have to do some prerequisits before that. I always thought that if I did this, it would be basically throwing my 4 year degree out the window. Why did I spend so much time and money getting it if in the end I didn't follow through with it? On the positive side, I wouldn't have been employed during college and for the last 2 years if it weren't for my major and degree. And a microbiology degree IS helpful to me since I did take several of the prereqs required by the nursing program and I did find so many aspects of microbiology to be fascinating. There is more with a microbiology degree that I could do, and that I would want to do (hello breweries) if I had the chance, but science jobs are in high demand with low turnover in my area so that's not likely to happen. Going back to school is a little daunting, but I'm so excited. I'm starting a new season in my life that will hopefully lead to a rewarding career and succesful future. It's about time I had some positive change in my life.

Has it really been a year? It doesn't seem like it's been that long. I still miss Holden so much. More so lately. I don't know what I thought it would feel like at this point but I guess I didn't think it would still hurt this much. I thought at one year I would be happier. That time would have helped heal my wounds. I know that my mental state is much different than it was a year ago and I've made a lot of progress. I don't cry very often and there are a lot of days where I'm happy and forget the sadness. But it never leaves me and still hits hard. Like today. Some wounds cut too deep to ever heal.

I didn't really think much of how significant today was when getting ready for work this morning. I thought maybe it can be a happy day, celebrating the short life of my sweet little boy, and not a sad and depressing day.  I went to write something on my calendar and just stood and started at what I wrote for November 19th: "Holden's Birthday- 1 year." I didn't want to forget...not that I ever could! I hate that all I will ever have are reminders and notes as signs of time progression instead of a growing baby boy. I almost lost it right then. It was so hard not to cry. I just hate starting off my day like that so I stopped myself. I kept tearing up at work all day though. I didn't need a trigger. I would just get this surge of sadness, my eyes would get watery and I would have to stop myself from letting them flow. At 10:00 am an alarm went off on my phone. Another reminder that it's Holden's angelversary. I had written in the description "Happy Birthday baby boy!" Another almost cry.

I'm going to bake a cake for him tonight. I think his one year birthday calls for something special! I'll post pictures later...if it turns out good!

My dearest Holden,
How is it possible that it has been a year since you left me? I can't believe it. Every day without you has been so difficult. I miss you so much. I'm so sorry my body failed you. I wish more than anything that you could be here with me now. Every day I wonder what you would be like. If you had made it full term and survived you would be 6 months old now. So old! I wonder what life would be like with you. Would you be a quiet baby like I was, sleeping all through the night? Or would you be like my little brother (your uncle) and cry, cry cry? Oh how I would love to hear you cry. Would you have your daddy's curly hair or my light complexion? You looked like you were going to get his big nose! I wish I would have had the chance to find out. I miss you today and everyday and words cannot express how much I love you.
Love,
Mom

ETA: Here is his birthday cake that I made all from scratch. Chocolate cake with butter frosting, covered in fondant. Unfortunately I don't have any cookie cutters so everything was cut out by hand with just a knife. I think that it turned out pretty good though! I really wish I could have been making it for our living baby.

Do you ever have moments when you think because you lost your baby/babies other bad things shouldn't happen to you? Both big and little? Because when they do, it's just not fair. Seriously, universe? Seriously?? You're going to throw this at me too?

I find it difficult to cope with the negativity of life lately. With certain things, like relationships, I forgive easily. I think "life is short" and it's not worth investing all this negative energy on unimportant circumstances. So what if Andrew didn't do the dishes like I asked? I don't need to get upset; I just need to ask him again. It's not a big deal. In other situations, even when I try to be positive and think "it's not the end of the world," I wonder why it happened in the first place. Haven't I endured enough tragedy not to experience more misfortune? Maybe I'm being selfish. Bad things happen to good people all the time. Sometimes life just kicks you when you're down. Why shouldn’t it happen to me too? That still doesn't make it okay.

First, I lose my two baby boys. Then I get pregnant only to have it taken away two days later. Then, I find out I'm being laid off. What the heck do I do now? I have to make some serious decisions about the direction of my life at this point. Maybe go back to school? Then I do some research on my laptop and it crashes for like the 4th or 5th time in 3 years (thanks Vista). WTF? I spend easily over 15 hours trying to fix it only to have to reinstall it to factory settings. I can't have an unreliable computer, especially if I go back to school. So I buy a new one. Of course I put it on the Best Buy card since we're broke. I give my mom my old one and she is so excited that I think maybe something good came out of it after all. All is well. Oh, wait, we're broke? Rent and other bills lined up just right this month so that our paycheck wasn't enough? Three days after we get paid we have -$3 in our account. Dammit. What are we going to do? Oh, we have those checks to deposit! We'll be fine as long as we only use our near maxed out credit cards for the essentials and we postpone all automatic payments until after we get paid again. Shit, I just signed up for automatic withdrawal for my student loans last month. I can change the date! But it takes up to 10 days to adjust and the pay date is in 5. It still comes out. At least the overdraft fee is only $36. Only a week until payday and we'll be fine. Now it's Andrew's birthday (November 15th) and we can't not do something. So we go out to eat with friends. I make sure to grab my camera. We sit in a booth and I ask him to put my purse on the inside of the booth instead of in between us. I never think to grab my camera since I'm not next to my purse. I know that this is when I lost my camera. Last night I'm looking for it, taking the flashlight to our cars, looking in the most ridiculous places in the house for it. Maybe they found it at the restaurant. Did you find a camera? We were just in there yesterday. We were sitting in the bar area. No? Thanks. Then I cry.

I guess the difference between scenarios that are more upsetting, is the money involved. Relationships are free, well, of any monetary value. You invest time, emotion, and love. I can and will invest them in the people I want in my life. These are values that I like to think I have a limitless store of.  I can't run out. I can run out of money. I can't afford to replace every material possession I own. I try to justify it as a "thing." It's just a "thing". Unfortunately even "things" can be important and necessary. While I can buy another camera, on the credit card of course, I can't buy back the pictures I had on it. Luckily I just transferred pictures on Halloween, so not too much time has passed. But I had taken cute pictures of the dogs and other "things" that have emotional importance to me. I always end up feeling stupid for being upset over something so insignificant. Why is this so important to me to cause such emotional distress? It's so hard to be positive, as much as I try, when life keeps throwing difficulties at me. When they build up, it makes even the smallest inconvenience a mountainous obstacle to overcome. I can’t move mountains but it's time to learn how to climb.

Halloween was...mediocre. Not as bad as it could have been and not as good as I was hoping. I had been really excited to dress up and go to a couple of parties on Friday and Saturday. We had really great costumes too! I was Flo from progressive and Andrew was the Geico caveman. We made his latex mask from scratch. We got so many compliments! Still, once I was all dressed up, I wasn't as excited to go out anymore. Then, when we got to the parties, all I wanted to do was go home. I've always had a bit of social anxiety but it has become so bad since my losses. It's hard for me to relate to people or really have the desire to converse. It's not too bad if someone pulls me into a conversation but I don't go out of my way to start one. I did try to have fun but it was difficult. I was basically ignoring Halloween in all other aspects because I really wasn't in the Halloween spirit. Why should I be?

Sunday, October 24th, was Parker's due date. I had a little anxiety before it, as I did with Holden's, but it wasn't nearly as bad. A lot of that had to do with losing Parker 3 weeks before Holden's due date so the grief was still fresh. I also think having been through it once before helped. Luckily, it was as good a day as it could have been considering everything it represented. The anticipation was worse than anything. Due dates are a significant milestone in our lives and for the lives of our gone-too-soon babies.

I woke up that morning and I was in a pretty good mood. Andrew and I had plans to just spend the day together. We added a bunch of scary movies on Netflix and put them on as we carved pumpkins. This year, Halloween is a little more difficult since it is so close to my due date. The holidays in general are hard, but how could they not be? Andrew and I are dressing up and going to a couple of friends parties this weekend, which we are excited about, but otherwise I am pretty much ignoring Halloween. Not really on purpose, I just don't feel like celebrating it as much this year. I didn't dig out our box of Halloween stuff from the storage closet and decorate the house. I have one decoration hanging up outside, next to the front door, of a wooden scarecrow that says "Fall Harvest" that Andrew's mom gave us and the two withered pumpkins sitting outside our door. I don't mind joining in others celebration of Halloween but I'm not in the Halloween spirit myself.

I did have a moment of slipping into alternate realities while carving pumpkins. I have two alternate realities; the one where Holden exists and the one where Parker exists. In Holden's reality, he would be almost 5 and a half months old. We would totally have been carving a pumpkin for him. Andrew carved the Sesame Street Count (he thought it was funny) but that is totally the kind of pumpkin I would have wanted to carve for our baby boy! Something childlike and cute. We probably would have gone to the pumpkin patch and taken the obligatory pumpkin-baby photos. Maybe where he was dressed up in his first Halloween costume. In Parker's reality we may not have been carving pumpkins at all that weekend because I'd be ready to pop! Or maybe I would have already brought him home. Maybe we would have carved pumpkins earlier in preparation for him or waited until he was born to carve. Either way, I would have been so happy to bring him home. So happy that it wouldn't have mattered if we had pumpkins at all.
I was a little sad but my new live in the moment attitude kept me from dwelling too long in those wonderful day dream worlds. Instead, it was just us two, a couple of in-love married people carving some pumpkins and baking some pumpkin seeds. We did do something special to honor the memory of Parker on what should have been his birthday. We baked a cake. It was a white confetti cake with confetti frosting. Delicious! I ate it and thought "I wish you were here." I so wish that I could have been celebrating bringing home my living baby, but at least I could was able to remember his short life and how much I love him.


I really hope that once Halloween is here that I don't have a meltdown. I feel like I'm doing so well but there is no way to know when my "up" will go "down." We are going to hand out candy early on, which will of course be the youngest children, and then plan to turn off the porch light when it gets dark so we don't have to give out candy all night. I don't think I could handle doing that all night, seeing all the adorable kids in their costumes reminding me of what I don't have. It just might be a little too much. I need to preserve some sanity (of what little is left)!

I fail as a blogger. I don't post as much as I should. I know this is my place to put down my feelings and thoughts, but sometimes I depress myself with how depressing I am. I feel like I never have anything significant to write about. My babies are dead. I'm sad. The end. That's the truth of it though, I AM sad. I feel like I'm getting more depressed as time goes on. I'll start to get better and then relapse. I keep thinking if I was pregnant now, I wouldn't feel this way. I know that I wouldn't.

Last Friday Andrew and I had dinner with a few people at a friend's house. I can't remember when, I think after our first loss, I found out that our friend Nicole had a 6 week loss. On either side of that loss, she has two beautiful girls, ages 6 and 1 and a half. Other than that loss, Nicole has lost a lot of people in her life. It's probably hard for people to understand the immensity of her losses when most people have only lost a couple people in their lives by their mid-20's. I don't mean to diminish anyone’s loss, losing even one person in your life is difficult, but I think that when several people in your life die, it definitely takes its toll on you. It's also different when it's your grandparents, who lived long and fulfilling lives, compared to your sister, who left behind her two kids. I don't think she gets to really talk about it. Well, once in awhile you just need a pity party and isn't alcohol always the best catalyst for it?

She started talking about all the people who she lost in her life with tears streaming down her face. Somehow it became this comparison on how many people have died in each of our lives. Everyone was listing off the few people in their lives while Nicole listed off at least 5 people, including her sister who died about 8 years ago, then I said something like "if we're going to make this a competition then I win because my babies died." There was that second of silence where everyone gets a little uncomfortable and I was really afraid that I had ruined the evening with my inappropriate joke, but then Nicole started talking about her loss too.

It was kind of nice to be able to make a little joke about feeling cursed because the people in our lives keep dying. Talking about how sad you are that your babies died. I think it was nice for her to be able to call her 6 week loss, her baby, which I haven't heard her say before. Morbid? Probably. Freeing? Definitely.

Then her sister-in-law started talking about how it's not the same, but she has a tumor in her breast and her doctor basically said if you want to have kids, you need to have them now. She's engaged and they're not ready but she wants kids so she has a very serious decision to make. Then I was able to relate that I have precancerous cervical cells and there is only so much time I have to have kids too. I know it's different, but we're both being faced with this rush to have kids before we can't anymore. Different circumstances, same situation. It was really cool to be relating to this person I'd never met before! Want to hear something funny? We all have the same doctor!

All of this on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I was having a difficult time that day as it was and this was a good way to get it out. All in all, it was a really cathartic experience. All week I've been feeling a little better than I have in awhile. Now, if I ever see a grape martini again...

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Babycenter says it's "a day to honor and remember babies who die during pregnancy or as newborns. Participants around the world light a candle at 7 p.m. and keep it burning for at least an hour. Because of different time zones, the result is a wave of light that spans the globe. The day also calls attention to the needs of grieving parents and creates awareness of pregnancy and infant loss."

So, take some time today to remember your babies or the loss of someone you know. If you're like me, you already remember them every day!


Holden and Parker,

I hope you know how much I love you. It's more than anyone could imagine. I miss you so very much. I wish more than anything I could be holding you in my arms but I'll have to settle with keeping you forever in my heart. You each represent a special time in my life. Though it was short, those times will always belong to you. You'll always be my baby boys.

Love,
Mom

Do you ever return to that moment when your heart broke? When shock and sadness overwhelm you and you are overcome by the reality of what has happened to you? That was me last Wednesday. I was driving home from work and started getting a little teary eyed.

Getting teary eyed in the car is not unusual for me. I knew these were the kind of tears that need to come out and decided to let them flow. Well, once they started they just wouldn't stop. Luckily, it was a sunny day so my sunglasses concealed my surely bloodshot eyes, but I had to keep wiping the tears off my cheeks before any red lights. I'm always self-conscious about someone looking in my window when I'm stopped and seeing me cry. I wonder what they would think of me.

By the time I pulled into the garage, I was bawling. I just wanted to see my babies. I went inside, let the dogs out, and then walked upstairs. I walked into our study/office and gently picked up the shoebox that contains Holden and Parker's whole lives. I sat down on the floor, the tears still flowing, and opened the box. I pulled out the "It's a boy!" teddy bear I received from the hospital for Holden. The baby blankets they were wrapped in. All my ultrasounds, pregnancy pictures, and all the hospital bands I wore around my wrist from every hospital visit. Then, I looked at their pictures. At their beautiful, tiny, perfect, helpless bodies. All the time I'm trying not to cry on the pictures because I don't want to mess them up.

After I was done I neatly put everything back in its place and went downstairs. I let the dogs in and just crawled into bed. Cora, who everyone says is a momma's girl, jumped up, cuddled right next to me, and started licking my face. I'm sure it was nice and salty for her. It really was what I needed to make me feel a little better. I had to laugh when her tongue started going up my nose. Gross!

Andrew got home soon after that and walked into the bedroom to see me crying. When he asked why, all I could say was "I'm sad." Then he asked why with even more concern. I think he thought something had happened to me. I just said "I miss my babies." And then he had an "oh" look on his face. He crawled into bed too and let me talk and cry about it. When he wasn't responding, I got a little upset. He said he didn't know what to say. I told him to “just tell me everything is going to be ok and that we will have living babies one day and won't always be mourning the death of our children. That it won't always be this hard.” Then he said those are all things he was thinking but didn't say. "Easy to say now after I just told you what to say to me." We laughed. He wanted to let me be sad about the memory of Holden and Parker and not to diminish that by talking about the future. How sweet is that? I really appreciated it but told him sometimes I need to know that he thinks about the future too and is hopeful that things will be better some day.

It felt good to have that deep cry. Sometimes I feel like my sadness is collective. Everyday adds a little more to the collection until I release it. But I'm not supposed to cry because it's been 5 months since my most recent loss. I should be "over it" by now. Except that I'll never be over it and everyday that I'm not allowed to express my emotions, is another day that I'm just waiting to explode. But that's ok. We all need to break down once in awhile and then pick ourselves back up and keep going. I really do hope that someday life will be better.

My blog was nominated for the One Lovely Blog Award by Violet over at Searching for Ladybugs. Thank you so much! I love reading your blog and relating with you over something that only our community of BLM's can understand. And thanks for reading mine. :)

Here are the rules:

1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who had granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers you have newly discovered.

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

I'm pretty sure a lot of these blogs may have been nominated already because I don't follow that many blogs, but these are some amazing women bloggers whose stories have impacted me deeply, so I am nominating them. If you haven't checked them out, you should!

1. Butterfly Kisses to my Angel Alyssa Marie
2. Dear Stevie
3. In Memory of Jacob
4. Our Sweet Corinne Ellery
5. Remembering Drew
6. Valentina in the Sky
7. In Memory of Liam
8. I Wish You Love
9. The Butterfly Room
10. Houston, We're Having a Baby

Thank you for sharing your beautiful, sad stories with the world and and allowing us to share in your journey.

I haven't posted in a while because I've been pretty sad lately. The 19th of this month was Holden's 10 month angelversary and the 24th was Parker's 5 month angelversary. I just tried to not cry all day at work that week. I cried in the car to and from work instead. I can't believe it's been so long. I didn't realize the dates initially either, which made me feel worse. I felt like a bad mom.

After I lost Holden, I counted every week, even when I was pregnant with Parker. But after we lost Parker, I lost count. I remembered Holden's due date but it was too much for me emotionally to have that constant reminder. Still, occasionally, I realize what the date is and I'm overwhelmed with grief.

Not being pregnant again makes it hurt more. We are 5 months out from losing Parker and in the third month TTC and still nothing. Now that we have some answers, I'm ready to be pregnant again but my body isn't allowing that to happen. I've decided that if we're not pregnant this month, which I'm just not feeling it, then I am going to quit temping. I'm just going to enjoy being intimate with my loving husband...every other day! Less obsessing will probably do me good.

I also found out today that my contract at work is definitely not being renewed next year due to budget issues so I have until January 5th to find a new job. It's so hard. I've been on and off looking for months because I've wanted to get out of my job but haven't found anything. Now I have nothing to fall back on if I can't find a job. I wanted to get out but I was hoping to have more time. I'm going to try to be positive but this is obviously extra stress that I don't need right now!

Is it being mean to your employee? I'm having one of those mornings at work. I have been really stressed out lately and my supervisor is really just adding to it. Two weeks ago from yesterday, she needed me to screen some viruses to be shipped. Normally, I could get these done in a week, but due to other circumstances requiring my time, I was unable to get them done quickly.

The biggest reason is that I have a work study student I've been training. Her first week was last week and she was here for about 6-7 hours over 3 different days. That in itself takes time, but I had to prepare for her too. That makes sense, doesn't it? Prepare for training a student? A sophomore who has yet to have a microbiology course. Who has no idea what any of the procedures we do are and has never held a pipette before. Is there a limit on the amount of time I'm supposed to take to prepare for her? I've never trained anyone before so this is new to me. It’s been a little overwhelming. I remember when I started as a student and had no idea what the heck I was doing. So, I decided to be detailed and to plan for the time she would be here. Seriously, I don't even make a plan for myself for the week until Monday, so adding training on top of that...yeah.

Anyway, that has taken a lot of my time during the last two weeks. Plus, this was a short week and I was sick on Tuesday. My supervisor didn't say anything until yesterday when she asked if I was done screening them. I told her no, but they would be done by Friday. Then today she sends another email asking which procedures I've performed on them and saying it's been 2 weeks since she emailed. It shouldn't take 2 weeks to screen "3" viruses (it's 4, actually) and that this needs to be a priority. Then, she so nicely added, "Honestly, this should be done within 1 week." Was that necessary?

Am I overreacting? I realize as my supervisor she can determine when things need to be done. She gives me a task and I do it. That's how the chain of command works. I get it. But, to me, if after a week I wasn't done and she had a problem with that, then shouldn't she have said something? She asked me about it last Thursday and I told her that I would be finishing up this week and she didn't say a word. That was her opportunity to say "Hey, it's been a week and I really need to ship these so do you think you can get them done by (insert day)?" instead of waiting for another week and then sending me an email saying she thinks they should be done.

She gives me things to do and never gives me a deadline or an estimate of when she needs them. It's not until she's annoyed that they're not done that she tells me, always by email might I add, and that just stresses me out more. And she always puts in a little something extra that comes off as rude. She's not a good supervisor. Her position doesn’t allow her to supervise people, technically, but I was hired to assist her so I guess that makes her the boss. I really need a new job.

Why is this happening? I don't know what to feel right now. I'm confused. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm numb.

My temp went from 98.63 the day I got my faint BFP on Friday to 98.03 today. Took another pregnancy test and it was negative. As fast as it was here, it's gone. 

A May baby wasn't meant to be for me.

This is so different from my other losses that I don't know what to do. With the others, I and 3 and half months to know they were there and get excited. I held their tiny fragile bodies in my hands. They were babies. What was this? A chemical pregnancy? Do I call my OB next week and let her know? Do I add a birthstone to my necklaces? I'll never know if it would have been a girl or a boy...

I never even felt pregnant, but I was and I was excited. Now I'm devastated.

Of course I had a horrible time sleeping last night. All I could think about was when I could POAS and if AF was going to show up this morning. I've been waking up pretty consistently in the middle of the night to pee lately so at 2:50am I decided to get up because I couldn't hold it anymore and I tested. Faint positive. I still wasn't sure I 100% believed it and thought AF could still show up.

After 20 minutes or so I still could not fall back asleep so I decided to take my temp just in case. It was still up! About 0.5 degrees up from the previous day. I did end up falling back asleep and temped again before I got up at 6:00am and it was another 0.5 up...probably thrown off a little from not getting much sleep. When my temp goes down on the morning of AF it's around 97.05. These were temps of 98.55 and 98.62. Not likely to be up that high just from getting up. I've woken up to pee at 4:00am before and still temped at 5:30 and had pretty normal temps. This is the real deal!

I decided to POAS again with two different kind of tests. I was hoping they would be darker but 3 hours really isn't that much time to concentrate your urine! Still, they were both faintly positive. I'm going to test again on Sunday just to see a darker line.

So yeah. I got my BFP! I couldn't be more thrilled. I couldn't be more terrified. Funny how opposite states can exist as one for a baby loss mom. I have the exact same due date as Holden since I O'd on exactly the same date. Part of me is terrified with this. I'm going to be so worried in November, wondering if I'm going to add another angel baby to this month. The other part is so excited and feels like it will honor the memory of Holden. Maybe it's good luck! I hope this time I get my May baby. My May rainbow.

So I decided to take a test today. I figured if it was negative it would mean for sure that I'm not pregnant. My logic was that I took a test at 10DPO when I was pregnant with Parker and it was negative. I took one at 14DPO and it was very positive. I figured somewhere in there it turns positive so why not test at 11DPO, the day before AF arrives? It might be positive if I'm pregnant. Really, the idea of waiting even one day more was excruciating to me. There seemed to be a very faint line, which I would expect considering at 10DPO it would be negative, but it could have been my mind willing the indent line to be a real line. I'm not sure. I might be pregnant.

I have been so convinced I'm not because of having no symptoms...other than slightly more frequent trips to the bathroom. My breasts and nipples aren't sore or tender at all, which happened before a positive in my previous pregnancies, though they have felt a little heavier. In my last post I said that I was breaking out and I thought it was clearing up....well I woke up with about 5 more pimples today. Also, my temp went up from 98.46 to 98.49. That isn't a huge difference, basically the same temp, but this is the third cycle I've temped and for the last two cycles on the day before AF arrived my temp dropped about .1 or .2 degrees. We'll see tomorrow. KYFX for me!

My stress is consuming. I have been so overwhelmed with our finances lately. We only have about $1100 left to pay off and are going to try and pay it off in 2 months. Having a plan is a relief and I think we are doing pretty well but it doesn't help me from turning into money control freak every single time a bill is due or Andrew spends money. I get so stressed I have cried.

For a brief lapse in my insanity (yep) I decided to let loose and spend a little money. Andrew and I got tickets to two concerts. I thought after the horrible year we had that we deserved a little fun. We already went to see Rufus Wainwright. If his was the only concert I went to in my entire life, I'd be happy with that. It was amazing. He has the most beautiful voice. His sister, Martha, opened for him and she had a beautifully unique voice as well.


The next concert we are going to is Muse with Silversun Pickups. I can't wait! Of course I had buyer’s remorse about an hour after I bought tickets (I bought them both the same day so...$220 came out at the same time). I think it's because I feel guilty when we spend money on one thing when we could have applied it to the medical bills. That has become my mentality lately and I can't think like that. I can't live life in constant worry.

Andrew and I used to treat ourselves once in a while with certain purchases and now I have a panic attack when we spend money. There have been some purchases Andrew made where I made him feel bad about it. I didn't mean to but my worry is so intense that I can't help but think how each purchase will affect our financial stability. I think we're not going to pay off these bills because he spent $10 on ice cream or $30 buying Dexter Season 4 for me. I do think he needs to work on not being such an impulse shopper but I need to work on not obsessing so much.

I've just been trying to live my life as well as I possibly can. It's so hard though. I can't go back to who I was before I lost my babies. Things I used to get joy out of are usually somehow a trigger for my pain. Everything is a reminder of what my life isn't. I've been crying a lot lately. For a month now, out of nowhere, things seem to just bring on the tears. I wondered why it's so much harder now, 4 months after losing Parker, than it was after we lost Holden. I think becoming pregnant with Parker 3 months after losing Holden helped soften my pain and I didn't really deal with losing Holden in the first place. Then, when we lost Parker, I really let myself grieve for both of them. There is still no next pregnancy to help with my grief. It makes it worse.

I'll find out Friday if there will be another baby on the way. I'm not feeling very hopeful again this cycle. Other than more frequent urination in the middle of the night, which is probably just because I'm just drinking more water lately, I have no symptoms. I'm breaking out pretty bad, which has been a preg symptom, but I think it's clearing up so AF is probably on her way. I had some cramping earlier today so yet another not pregnancy symptom. *sigh* I guess I’ll see if my temp drops Friday morning.

Sunday, August 22nd, was our first wedding anniversary. One year of married bliss. One year to the day since we conceived our first little boy. One year filled with love, death, and grief. It should have been a special day, but it wasn't.

Three weeks ago Andrew's wisdom teeth really started bothering him. At first we thought they were just coming in but the pain wouldn't go away. He made an appointment with the oral surgeon a week later and got his wisdom teeth out. Normally, pain should start to go down within a few days but his seemed to get worse around day 5. The first time he tried to eat more solid food, at Wendy's when we were going to a concert (I'll talk about that in the next post), he very nearly cried from the pain. But of course he is too much of a man for silly tears. :)

Turns out he had dry socket. It has been almost 2 weeks since then; 3 weeks since he had them out and they seem pretty much back to normal. He is back to eating solid food. I was so grateful for my long cycles because of this. If I ovulated on the "normal" 14 days of a 28 day cycle, then we would have been out of luck. Luckily, I'm a 20+ day ovulator. I don't like having long cycles most of the time but this time it made me happy.

I calculated that I was going to O around our anniversary. How romantic! What are the chances of having another opportunity to conceive exactly a year later from our first honeymoon baby? Of course, I'm terrified of having the same timeline as Holden. I would love a May baby but our last May baby didn't make it to May. How do we know this one will? At the same time it would be very meaningful.

We had all these plans for our anniversary. We made cinnamon rolls for breakfast. Yum! Then I took the morning to get all prettied up for a movie at 1:30pm. Then we were going to eat a romantic dinner at the Rustic Oven. We wanted to try a new place and it looked really nice. We were so excited because Andrew's teeth were finally feeling good again and he couldn't wait to eat real food!

I woke up this morning and took my temperature. It had dropped. I rolled over and told Andrew I wasn't pregnant. I was so disappointed. I went to the bathroom and had spotting. Aunt Flow had arrived. I just didn't feel pregnant and I'm not. What was with my crazy symptoms? I really felt nauseous that one morning. It was so strange.

I was really upset all morning and started crying on the way to work. I made myself stop. "Stop it dammit!" I shouldn't be getting so upset and if I started first thing in the morning it would be hard to stop and get through the day. It was a rough day anyway and I was distracted at work. I was getting pretty bad cramps towards the afternoon and that depressed me more. I was going to take the afternoon off because I was having a hard time not crying but ended up having to stay and do more work.

I went home for lunch and on my way back I was going down a hill and saw a father and his two young sons riding up the hill. The younger one was probably about 5 or 6 and was having a tough time making it up the hill. I saw his father get close, grab the back of his son's bike seat, and help push him up the hill. It was one of the sweetest things I have ever seen. I smiled. Then my breath left my chest. It was as if someone had squeezed all the oxygen from my lungs and tears starting streaming down my face. I have never been so unexpectedly overcome by such emotion.

Will Andrew ever have the same moment with our children one day? I know I am lucky to have been able to get pregnant so quickly the last two times but I was too confident in my ability. I knew it could take awhile but for the first time I really have to face that fact. We might not get pregnant right away. With all the answers I've received, I'm ready to get pregnant and start this journey again. Time is running out. On to August and hoping for a May baby.

I got another BFN this morning. Last pregnancy I took one at 10 DPO and it was negative. Then at 14 DPO it was very positive. I have no idea what day in between there it would have been positive had I taken another one. I guess I can't be too disappointed at 11 DPO that I got a BFN but I am. I'm just really not feeling it.

Yesterday I posted about some symptoms I thought I had. They have varried and some of them have gone away. I haven't woken up in the middle of the night to go to pee in 2 days. My hunger has seemed to go away and I had to make myself eat dinner last night because I really wasn't hungry. On the other hand, I did wake up with a headache this morning for no reason. Then, when I was doing my makeup, my eyes were so sensitive to the light of my lamp. This happened when I was pregnant before. Then I started feeling a little nauseous but it went away by the time I was driving to work.

I freaking hate these random "symptoms" that come and go! They are tricky. They mess with your mind. I just don't feel pregnant. With Parker, I felt pregnant. I'm sure I had my doubts some days but I just knew. Even with Holden I knew. I was having super long super irregular cycles at the time so the first time I tested it was a BFN. I just had a feeling that it was wrong so I tested again 5 days later and it was a BFP. This time, I'm not so sure. I've been kind of crampy this morning which isn't giving me much hope. Unfortunately my temps don't drop until the day AF shows (mostly in the morning) so I don't even have that to help give me confirmation. I don't know if it's my mindset putting me in this negative mood or if like many women "just know" they are, I "just know" I'm not. AF is supposed to show up tomorrow so if she doesn't, I'll test again on Wednesday.

I've been trying to stay busy lately in this 2WW. It's difficult. In some ways I'm not as focused on it as I was last time and in other ways, it is torturous not knowing yet. With the FVL and MTHFR diagnoses, I feel like now I have less time than I did before. My risk for losing a child is so much higher now. Even with blood thinners and extra folic acid, we don't know what will happen. I wish everything would just happen.

Our entire marriage has been consumed with pregnancy and loss since we conceived on our honeymoon. Some days I wish we had more time to just enjoy being a married couple. It's bitter sweet though. Every time I do something that I wouldn't be able to do when pregnant or with a newborn, I feel a deep sadness inside of myself. I am so lucky that Andrew and I had three and a half wonderful years together before our marriage to be a young couple. We have grown together so much over the last year but now I'm ready to be a family of 3. Who knows how long that will take?

I hate thinking that way. I'm not pessimistic by nature. It's like 'well we better start now because who knows how long it might take or how many more babies we might lose.' 'If we wait too long we might not be able to afford it.' We got what I hope is our last bill from the loss and it was for $1500. WHAT?! Apparently it's for room and board. It was originally $9000. It took so long to get here because it was amended. They took a whole $50 off what we were being charged before. AGH!

We should have a two month old now. We should be concerned with buying baby stuff and thinking about setting up a college fund (I’m a planner). We would maybe start talking about how long to wait before trying for baby #2. I always thought six months to a year is good because then they would be close together in age. My brother and I were 14 months apart and though we fought a ton, we were inseparable. Most people thought we were twins. I can't imagine not having a brother. Now I don't even know if I can give my future child a sibling, if we can afford it, or if living baby #1 will ever exist.

With TTC again, these thoughts have been bothering me a lot more. I wish I had a time machine and could go into the future to know what happens. Even if I had more losses, if I could know for certain that I will have a living child, then it wouldn't plague my mind so much. So, I've been trying to stay distracted. I'm in the 2WW again and while even the time up until O I was doing so well, not obsessing, now time has slowed to a crawl. I'm back to analyzing every little "symptom" I think I'm having. The other day I got out of the shower and looked in the mirror and thought my "girls" looked a little bigger. I was so excited at the prospect of this that I actually smiled. You know when you're by yourself and something makes you literally laugh out loud? That's what it was like when I smiled. I smiled out loud! Then I was freaked out because who is this girl that is smiling at the thought of being pregnant? Who is this girl that actually has a genuine smile? I haven't seen her in awhile.

Before I say anything else, I need to put down into words how crazy I am. These are the other symptoms I think I'm experiencing, (in order of appearance): More frequent urination (starting 2DPO), breaking out, sore nipples, food cravings (especially for salt), heavy breasts, tossing and turning more at night, and as of Wednesday morning, stuffy noses when I wake up. I could literally explain every one of these symptoms away. But I won't. I'm just going to let myself be content. The idea of pregnancy scares me more now than it ever has, for good reason, but I never thought that I could be even remotely not depressed when TTC again, so I'm going to enjoy it.


I've also been knitting a throw. I was motivated by a friend who crocheted a large throw in my wedding colors as a wedding gift. However, I think I made a huge mistake! This throw is going to take me forever to finish. I read online about some women doing similar patterns and it took them less than 20 hours. I have knitted for hours at a time for a month, though I was watching tv which definitely slows me down, and have mere inches of this blanket! If I hadn't put so much time into it already I would quit and start a new one using bigger needles or thicker yarn, which would make it go much faster. One day, in a few years when I finish it, it will look really nice on our new couch, which will also be a few years old by then. I'll have to take a picture of it soon so I can document my progress, as slow as it may be.

For now, I'm just trying to keep myself occupied and distracted. I don't want to stress myself out so much thinking about financial and health implications associated with having another baby. I don't want to obsess so much about getting pregnant. Easier said than done. Of course, I've already satisfied my POAS craving too early. I hate seeing a BFN but once I've done it, it's easier to for me to wait. Is that weird? Part of me cannot believe that I'm pregnant, so the result supports my thought and I am content to wait for true confirmation. The rest of me hopes more than anything that I'm pregnant. I guess we shall see soon. Tomorrow is 11DPO, the day before my expected AF, and I think I will test again.

I got a call from my doctor's nurse today. She said the result of my homocysteine test was back and that my level was low. Apparently the normal range starts at 5 and I had a 4.18. I have no idea what that means. Obviously it's good that it's not high (above 10) because that means it would cause an increased clotting risk in addition to my FVL. She didn't seem concerned that it was low, so I'm guessing it's not bad. I've been trying to find ranges for homocysteine levels and the significance of low levels online but I can't find anything but the risks of elevated homocysteine. She said given my history they want me on 4mg of folic acid and 500mcg of vitamin B12, which makes sense because of the whole MTHFR causing neural tube defects thing.

My OB consulted with the Peri and they decided that I will be put on 40mg of Lovenox daily once fetal heart tones are found. I will also do the nuchal translucency u/s at 13-14 weeks. They have discussed putting me on baby aspirin (BA) for life but I am not encouraged to use it while trying to conceive. The Peri also wasn't concerned with my positive ANA just yet so they will recheck in 6 months to see where my levels are at and go from there.

I'm a little upset. Based on the conversation with my OB, it sounded like I was going to start Lovenox as soon as I got pregnant. She also told me that I could go ahead and start taking BA while TTC, or even take a full strength aspirin for now if I wanted. Now, after talking with the Peri, that has changed? When we saw the Peri before any of the clotting disorders were known, she mentioned that she would put me on BA only after fetal heart tones were detected. She didn't want me to be on it in case I miscarried. I feel like that is transitioning into her view of when to start the Lovenox and now that I can't be on BA. To me, if they think that these disorders are serious enough for me to take a BA every day for the rest of my life, then why would I not even be on BA when TTC? Pregnancy is a hypercoagulable state and I'm already in a hypercoagulable state when I'm not pregnant!

I've had bleeding as early as 6 weeks in both of my pregnancies and they found the SCH at my 8+ week u/s during my last one. I'm not going to start off the next pregnancy the same exact way as my last 2 and wait until 8 weeks to change anything (other than the vitamins, of course). The damage could already be done and that could be too late. What if something is happening at implantation? Maybe my losses were only due to genetic problems because of MTHFR and the increased folic acid and B12 will fix everything. But what if FVL played a part too? I don't want to treat one before I ever get pregnant and not even prepare for the other. I've decided that I'm going to stay on BA until I start Lovenox. Based on my research, the benefits of being on it early outweigh the risks. I feel like a BA is not enough to cause significant problems if I do miscarry early during pregnancy and if I don't, then the benefit of thinned blood will already be there.

I love my OB and really like the Peri when we met her, but I'm having such a hard time trusting doctors. Not just my doctors, but any doctors. All of them have differing viewpoints and different ways of treating patients. It's hard to accept the plan they are creating for me when I see other women like me have a different plan of action. I don't know if I can ever truly trust the decisions they make until I bring home a healthy baby. I hate not having trust in the medical community at large but I feel like they have failed me in some ways. I also recently watched Michael Moore's "Sicko" (behind the times, I know) which has me really disappointed in the American health care system right now. I should just move to Canada where prescription medication is inexpensive (hello cheap lovenox!) and there is no $3000 fee to take home your baby. They let you have them for free! I think I'd very much like a free baby. :)

I can't believe it has been 3 weeks since I updated my blog. I've been waiting for all the results of my blood tests to come back before I posted, which has been long and complicated. The last thing I wrote about was right before going in for the SECOND blood draw. Well, they drew blood for the two tests that were missed and apparently one of the tests previously ordered was wrong, so they had to take blood to redo it. That was another 5 vials.

I finally got a call back that some of the tests had come back abnormal and the doctor wanted me to come in and talk about them. We had our appointment on July 12th, which is when I found out that I have Factor V Leiden. I was upset because the one nurse that read my results said that test looked normal. She obviously didn't know what she was talking about. My OB had called the Peri and tried to talk to her before our appointment but she wasn't available. She said she would see what the recommendations of the Peri were, but her thought was that I would go on blood thinners, probably Lovenox, as soon as I get a BFP. They will still monitor for IC in addition to this. She also suggested I go ahead and start taking baby aspirin now, so I'm already on something for whenever I conceive.

Factor V Leiden is a mutation of the Factor V gene, whose normal function is to promote clotting when it is triggered. APC (activated protein C) binds to normal Factor V, telling it to stop clotting when it's done. With Factor V Leiden, the binding site is different (mutated) so it takes APC much longer to bind the Factor V Leiden and stop clotting, leading to over-clotting. I'm only heterozygous for the mutation (1 gene) so I'm guessing I got it from my father who had a stroke late last year. He and I don't have much communication but she suggested that I find out if he was ever tested for this after his stroke. This is a cause for repeat pregnancy loss, usually after 10 weeks based on what I've read. I was sad to find this out in addition to the other possible reasons for my losses (IC and bacterial infection) but glad to have a definite diagnosis of a potential cause. I also talked to her about testing for MTHFR, which I read reduces your body's ability to metabolize folic acid (which I previously thought I might have a deficiency of during pregnancy) and I had seen several women on BBC that had both. She was a little surprised the Peri hadn't ordered it in the first place and agreed to test for it.

I just got a call on the 15th from the nurse that said I was also heterozygous for MTHFR and that I needed to come in for more blood to check for homocysteine levels. I left a little early from work and shed a few tears at home that night. It's so strange because I wanted answers; I wanted a reason for my losses and something that could be fixed. Now I'm a little overwhelmed because I have all these other risk factors against a healthy pregnancy. I had really hoped that they would all come back negative and my losses were just bad luck and we would just have to monitor for infection and IC.

I am glad to know, though. It's a relief. I now have an actual diagnosis of disorders that were the cause of or contributed to my sons deaths. Combined, these disorders are known for recurrent pregnancy loss. One statistic I read said that untreated pregnancy success rates are 50%. 50%!!! With medication they go up to the typical 75-85%. I feel like my babies barely had a chance. Even if I had no issues with the clotting portion of my disorders, which lots of women have normal pregnancies without medication or assistance, the MTHFR can cause neural tube defects due to folate deficiency. My babies could have had any number of fatal genetic defects that caused their deaths. Unfortunately, they never did genetic testing on them so we will never know.

So, no more hormonal birth control for me ever due to increased risk of clotting. I will probably always have to consider these disorders with surgery, airplane rides, etc. Any pregnancies will include daily injections of Lovenox into my stomach (how fun) and high doses of folic acid. I'm still waiting to hear back on my homocysteine levels, which will determine how bad my clotting risks are associated with MTHFR. Lots of homocysteine = bad. I think it may also help determine what my Lovenox dosage will be, but I'm not sure on that. This is all so new to me. I've been doing so much research and am thankful to have my microbiology background so that I can understand much of it and read more into the technical details. I really hope that these are the reasons for my losses so we can prevent anything so horrible from happening again. I don't think I could handle anything more.

For now, Andrew and I are just going to see what happens. I will keep taking all my vitamins and when I get pregnant, go from there. I have to think positive because what else is there?

I will leave you with a funny quote from Season 4 of The Office that I'm reminded of every time I have my blood drawn (which is a lot!):

(Michael asks Jim if he will go camping with him and he responds...)
Jim Halpert: Oh I can't go today because... I'm giving blood.
Michael Scott: How often can you actually donate blood?
Jim Halpert: Is there, a limit?
Michael Scott: Your body only has a certain amount.

On June 10th I went to give blood for the thrombophilia work-up the perinatologist ordered. They said it would be about a week before results were back. Knowing that it's always longer than they say, I decided to give them two weeks to call before I called them. Two weeks came and went and I called them yesterday. The nurse said she had results for four tests. I couldn't believe they only did four tests. I understand that they're probably testing for the more common clotting disorders and it's not as intensive as it would be for someone with more losses or more signs of thrombophilia, but seriously?! FOUR?!?!

She told me what the results were as it was in my file, though the doctor hadn't made any annotations yet. Factor V Leiden was normal and Protein S and C were within the normal range though one of them was on the lower side (an 86 out of the 80-150 range it should be in). There was another test she didn't understand how to read so was going have the doctor call me back. I was at least happy to hear that those tests came back normal. I had lurked a bit on one of the BBC boards for women with thrombophila disorders and those were disorders that commonly required daily injections of blood thinners. No fun.

I got a call this morning from the office that said someone (lab personnel maybe) didn't see all the tests that needed to be run because two of them were in small print (lame excuse if you ask me), so I needed to come back in to give more blood. This is why the doctor hadn't called me back. She had been waiting for the results of those last two tests before calling me. I'm happy that there were indeed more than four tests to check for but annoyed that because someone didn't pay attention, I have to take off time from work to go back in and then wait at least another week before I find out the results.

I can still see the mark from where the last needle went in. I'm so sick of being stuck by needles. In the last 4 months I've had so many blood draws I can't even remember, not to mention IV's. Of course, when I'm pregnant again it'll only be more poking and prodding. Oh joy. I have a feeling that all the tests will be normal. It’s probably been due to infections like the perinatologist suggested which would be something easy to monitor and treat. I just desperately want an answer as to why my body is playing the role of evil slumlord and evicting my babies. My facilities are not up to code. What needs to be fixed? At least we're ruling things out.

Something is wrong with me. I'm stuck. I find it harder to be happy these days. I still feel sad a lot. I could probably cry several times a week, but I don't let myself. I hate feeling this way. It's hard to even fake being interested in things. I'll listen to other people talk about stuff and realize I can't pretend to care what they're talking about. It takes too much effort to pay attention and perform all the appropriate facial and vocal responses. It's been 9 weeks, which really isn't that long, but I wish I would feel better by now. It is so draining to feel this sad.

The only person I can truly be myself around, is my loving husband, Andrew. Those are the only times I'm happy. He's the only person that I don't feel like I'm just going through the motions with. Even if he does get sick of talking about everything that's happened, and if I'm upset and angry, he still listens. I don't feel like I'm allowed to be sad or negative around other people. It's not an "appropriate" way to act. It's not "appropriate" to make other people depressed because of my sadness. It's to the point where I don't care if I offend you. I'm not going to put on my cheery face when I don't feel cheery. If I want to be alone and closed off, well that's just how I want to be. I'm sick of having expectations for how I should be doing. I've lost two of my children, what do you want from me?

Why is it like this? I didn't feel like this so much after Holden. I felt like I went through normal stages of grief and then I was ready to try again. We "knew" the problem and were positive that it would not happen again. I could be happy because I thought it was a onetime thing. Now, we have fewer answers than we did before. Now, I know that it can happen again. Now, I'm terrified. It's not so much that I lost Parker, which hurts tremendously, but that my body failed again. I failed in my responsibility to protect and give life to my boys and I know that it may happen again. It hurts more because I don't know if I ever will be able to have a living child.

Bills are a big contributor to my unhappiness. It's not fair that a miscarriage should cost as much as a full term pregnancy. From the first pregnancy test I took at the doctor's office in February, to the appointment we had with the perinatologist at the end of May, we have owed $3,700. Seriously, that is what it costs for my nearly 14 weeks of pregnancy??? Of course, every bill is due within a month of it being sent and we've gotten them all at once. We're paying as many at a time as we can and the rest may have to be put on credit cards. This has led Andrew and I to argue about the best time to have a baby because all our money is going to pay medical bills. At the same time, we've met our deductible and out-of-pocket max, so other than co-pays, a lot of our visits will be free or 80% covered for the remainder of the year. I'm trying to look at that as a positive.

My self-esteem has also taken a nosedive. I've put on about 8 pounds with both of the pregnancies. It's not just the weight itself that bothers me, it's the way it's distributed. A large majority of it is in my stomach. I still have a baby bump. That, combined with all my comfort eating, has given me an embarrassing constantly bloated/pregnant look. I've tried working out a little but it is not going away. Then I get depressed and less motivated to work out. Even though I feel like I'm eating healthier than I had been and I've started walking and working out some, I see no progress. I'm embarrassed to wear my tighter fitting shirts and I even feel like I have to suck in when I'm wearing loose shirts too. I don't like my body. If I had a baby to show for it, I wouldn't care, but I don't.

Pregnancy has also left its devastating effects on my face. I have so many acne scars, it's ridiculous. They're so hard to cover up and, for me, they take forever to fade. I also keep breaking out and my skin has become even oilier than it was before. I'm trying natural remedies that I would be able to continue once I'm pregnant, but I'm not having much luck. Baking soda seems to help with active pimples and I'm trying vitamin E for scars, but I've read it's slow to act. Found out that tea tree oil breaks me out though it is good for reducing oil production. I've tried lemon juice before which worked, but it stings like a mother! Why won't my face just cooperate and look nice. I hate that I'll be 25 in 6 months and I still breakout like a teenager.

Really, it's just a bad day. I think AF is due to arrive in less than a week so I'm getting moody. Andrew and I decided we would try again after this AF. I've started charting, which I had tried previously but never got the hang of it. Taking OPKs and temping makes it so much easier. I also verified that I'm a late ovulator. I knew that when we were trying for Parker because that was the first time I used OPKs and didn't ovulate until CD20. This time I ovulated on CD21. I've always had longer cycles though they aren't regular. They can vary between 30-35 days in general. That makes TTC that much more annoying. I have to wait sooooo long. I’m also a bit terrified that AF is coming soon because that will signify getting ready to try again. I don’t even know if I’m ready yet. I hate that no matter what I feel, my desire to have a child is too strong to wait. I don’t know how much time I left or how many more miscarriages I might have, so I feel the need to continue on.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for the things I have in life. I just need to vent now and again. I do have more good/normal days than bad, but that doesn't diminish the significance of the bad days. I'm still so incredibly affected by my losses. I just wish this wasn't my life. I wish right now Andrew and I had a beautiful baby in our arms instead of two that will never walk on this earth. Sometimes I feel like this isn't real.

We met the peri on May 25th. We left an hour and a half before the appointment and barely made it. For the future, we will need to give ourselves more time in case we can't find parking. It was pretty ridiculous! Anyway, once we parked, we had the fun task of figuring out what floor and where the office we were looking for was located. When we found it, I thought it seemed very small. Of course when we walk in there are pregnant women and a couple with an infant. What can I expect; it is an office that also deals with pregnant women after all. Unfortunately I'm still in that stage of being jealous of other pregnant women mothers and bitter that I haven't been able to be where they're at. *sigh*

Anyway, I fill out 20 minutes worth of paperwork and then we get directions on where to go for the consult. The instructions say "ultrasound directions" and at the bottom there is a portion for non-pregnancy consult. The woman who gave me the paper gave me directions herself, altering some of the last bit for where to go, and sent us on our way. If it takes you more than 10 seconds to tell me where to go, how the hell am I going to remember it?! By the way, she was wrong on some of what she said.

We ended up finding it and getting to the right place. We met with the peri and she was super nice. Right off the bat she was asking the get to know you questions. What did you major in? What do you do? Oh, you two are opposites too? My husband and I are total opposites. It was awesome! Then she got to the serious stuff. What happened? We relived the losses and she gave her advice. First, she said there is no evidence that I have an incompetent cervix. It's possible, given I've had two LEEPs, but at this point, my cervix didn't behave in a typical IC way and thus, she doesn't think that's our problem. She said that a cerclage should never be placed in a case where there is any pain or any bleeding (I had both during both pregnancies when the one OB suggested cerclage) because it's a contraindication. It made total sense the way she was saying it. After this loss I had a pretty big feeling that it wasn't IC because of the pain I had and the fact that the same thing happened after "fixing" the problem.

Her first thought was infection. Most often in cases of PPROM this early that is a common factor. She suggested vaginal infection vs. urinary tract infection, which is all they check for at prenatal appointments. She said that at each prenatal appointment I need to be checked for any kind of vaginal infection, whether it's yeast or bacterial vaginosis (BV). BV actually makes a lot of sense. A few years ago I had a yeast infection and then two back to back cases of BV within a one year period. Never before or after but thinking back, I may have had mild symptoms during pregnancy that were similar to BV. It's so hard to say now and I honestly never suspected anything at the time. I thought maybe I had a UTI since I had one early in this last pregnancy but didn't notice any symptoms except frequent urination, which I told my doctor about the day before we lost Parker, but it was negative. It makes sense that maybe I was experiencing an infection, just a different one than I or the doctors thought.

Next she said I should take a prophylactic dose of aspirin once we establish a heartbeat. This can help cover any other bases in case there is something else causing the losses that we don’t' know about. After she said that I suggested blood clotting disorders. She said she didn't think that was it but asked if there was a history of it in my family. I told her my father had a stroke last year at 47. She said that is young and decided to go ahead and order my doctors office in town to do the thrombophilia work-up. She thought maybe it was more than we needed to do at this point but it was better to be safe than sorry. I'm so glad she decided to do that. I've done some research and it has led me to the conclusion it is entirely possible that I have a clotting disorder. Maybe I don't, but based on studies and other women with similar situations, it could be.

It was a really great meeting overall. She seems super proactive and wants to monitor me much more often, especially considering my predisposition to having IC because of my LEEPs. I'm not sure when she'll start, but she did say at some point she will want to be doing ultrasounds every two weeks. More chances to look at our little one! That, with the infection monitoring and aspirin (or more if there is a clotting disorder), should hopefully help me give birth to a living child to hold in my arms.

Now we just need to decide when to start trying again. The peri said 4-6 weeks after a D&C and we're cleared to go. I just about had a panic attack after she said that. Way too soon! I just don't feel emotionally ready to try again. I'm still a little bit of a wreck. I know for sure I want to wait until we get the results of the thrombophilia tests, just in case it is something more serious and we need to take other preventative measures to ensure a healthy pregnancy. I'm on AF #1 since Parker; it only took 6 weeks to get here! We at least want to wait one more. Part of me wants to wait and enjoy the summer with my hubby. The other part is screaming "I want a baby!" I'm scared that maybe we won't be so lucky to get pregnant on the first try and we'll have to work at it. Also, what if we have another loss? That's more heartbreak and another set-back to building our family together. I feel like we're running out of time.

Andrew, on the other hand, seems reluctant to try again so soon. He's really worried about our finances. It would be different if our pregnancy with Holden was successful and we had a baby at home today. Unfortunately, we're paying for two pregnancies and miscarriages and are greatly in debt due to it. In the last month we've had about $2000 worth of bills, not to mention the $500 we paid for the cerclage and the additional $1500 we still owe on it that we have yet to see the bill for. Plus, we owed on taxes this year and that has increased our credit card debt significantly. I also really want to find a new job since I very likely won't have one after January, and that is pretty scary to both of us. Ugh.

I'm feeling much more confident than I have in a while. We have a new doctor who deals with high risk pregnancies everyday. The thing she said that really sticks out in my mind is that she has had to do cerclages on women that come in and, though they don't know it, they're already 4cm dilated. She's pushing membranes back in and sewing up the cervix while she sees a foot go by. Seriously, how awesome is that?! That's the kind of doctor I want. Someone who is experienced and seriously knows what she's talking about. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that the third time will be the charm for us. I don't know if my heart can handle losing another baby. There is not enough left to lose any more.