Waiting for my Rainbow

This past Saturday, November 19th, was Holden's 2 year angelversary and Maya's baby shower. I was a little nervous about what my reaction would be on that day and how I would handle it. At first when I woke up that morning, it didn't seem like it would be too difficult. I laid in bed browsing the internet on my phone, but soon became a sobbing mess. Andrew's birthday is a few days before on the 15th and I had hung a happy birthday banner in the bedroom that day. I had been too lazy to take it back down and as I was laying in bed, I saw it. I thought to myself how fitting that I didn't take it down because it could be used for Holden's birthday too. That set off the tears. All I could think was how unfair it was that 2 years ago, my little boy died. My Holden.

After crying on and off for a couple hours that morning and laying around, we got ready to go to the shower. It was hard trying to put on my happy face when I was so sad. All I wanted to do was stay at home and just feel my grief. I still can't believe that it hit so hard after 2 years. I was so excited that we were getting a shower for Maya, but it was hard to be happy on THAT day. Then, of course, all I could think was what a horrible memory this would be to relive if she dies. It's so conflicting wanting to be happy for this pregnancy, being fearful of something terrible happening, and feeling depressed that I never got these experiences with my little boys. I miss them and wish they could be here but I know that no world exists where they could all be my living children.

It ended up being a small shower, about 17 people, mostly family, which was a good thing. Neither Andrew or I like being the center of attention, and since it was an emotionally challenging day, it was nice that it was small. We got several nice little gifts and I ended up having a fun time. I ate way too much cake and suffered for it later.

I am so thankful that we've made it to 33 weeks and were able to have a family gathering to celebrate our little girl, something we never got with Holden and Parker. I just hope we have a little girl to bring home, to dress in all these cute outfits and wrap up in our arms. I'm so ready for her to be here.

I reached viability this week! As of today I am 24 weeks and 2 days. It's an amazing feeling. I honestly never imagined making it to this point. It has always seemed so far away; so out of reach. I know that this is just one small milestone in long journey, but it has done so much to ease my worries. Holden and Parker were still alive when my water broke. If I had made it to 24 weeks before it happened, then maybe they wouldn't have died. Right now I feel like if history repeats itself, which I'm really hoping it doesn't, at least my little girl will have a chance. That's one thing I can give her that I couldn't give her big brothers. She still needs to bake for another 3+ months though, so stay in there little one!

We finally started looking at baby stuff online- cribs, car seats, pack 'n plays, etc. We've been terrified to do it all pregnancy, and while it's still scary, it has been so exciting to make it to this part of our journey. It's nice to be able to experience a little bit of normalcy and just be happy expecting parents.

I really appreciate all the support and encouraging words I've received along the way. I'm also glad I've been able to follow along all the blogs talking about their rainbow pregnancies. It gives me a lot of hope, especially after reaching the 24 week mark, that I may just get to bring this baby home. For now I'm just trying to take it a day by day and a milestone at a time. Next up, 28 weeks! Keep growing, baby girl.

The cerclage was a success! I figured I should write an update of how it went and how I'm doing now.

The morning of the cerclage was kind a a blur; we were rushing around to get ready and get everything together for our overnight trip. We got everything packed up and took the dogs to my mom's for the weekend. I hadn't been able to eat or drink anything since the night before, which I was worried about since my hunger usually wakes me up in the morning, but I was too nervous to be hungry. We were supposed to be at the hospital by 9:00 AM and Google maps was telling us it was an hour and 45 minute trip. We ended up leaving about 20 minutes later than planned and the whole time my stomach was in knots. Somehow we still made it to the hospital right on time, got registered, and headed up to Perinatology by 9:30 AM. They gave an overview of the procedure, after surgery care, etc., and checked for urinary/vaginal infections. Then we got to hang out until surgery prep time.

At 11:00 AM I was taken back to the pre-OP area where I was garbed in a lovely yellow hospital gown and socks, got my IV in, had some blood drawn to make sure that the Lovenox was out of my system, and had to take some antibiotics and anti-inflammatory meds to prepare my little cervix for the trauma it was about to endure. Maybe it's just me, but I don't understand why they tell you no solids AND FLUIDS, and then hook you up to giant bags of saline. They always make me have to urinate a ton. Andrew was able to come back then and we just talked and I tried to remain calm until the 1:00 PM surgery time. The clock was behind the bed so I kept having to ask him what time it was and it was never more than 15 minutes later. Time seemed to go so slowly!

It was finally time to say goodbye to Andrew and I was wheeled into the operating room. Having had a cerclage once before, I felt a little more calm and prepared this time. They did a spinal/epidural combo (epidural for after surgery pain management) which was different than before. I did not like the crampy feeling when they put the epidural catheter in. Once it was in they taped it and there was no more discomfort. It seemed to take forever for the spinal to fully kick in though, just like last time. The anesthesiologist did comparisons on my shoulder to lower abdomen and thighs to see if I was losing sensation and after awhile got pretty forceful with her pinches and pokes. I had a bruise on my shoulder the next day! And of course there was the added bonus of being stuck on my back, legs spread open and fully exposed to the world to make me feel nice and vulnerable.

When I was all prepped the Peri came in and started the surgery. For awhile, everything was fine. I was chatting with the anesthesiologist and trying not to focus on what they were doing "down there." Then I started noticing that I could feel more of what was happening on the right side. The anesthesiologist told me that was normal and that I might feel pressure but it shouldn't hurt. Then it started getting uncomfortable and I had moments of biting my lip to compensate for the discomfort and trying to determine if it hurt or not. At that point I realized it was more than just pressure and was becoming painful. Tears started forming in the corner of my eyes and the anesthesiologist decided to put something in my IV. While waiting for that to kick in I started bawling. She was so sweet about it. She was wiping my tears away and told me to try not to cry, she needed me to breath deep for the baby, and that the pain meds would kick in soon. Within a couple of minutes I noticed my eyelids were feeling heavier and I realized the pain meds were working. The rest of the surgery went by smoothly. All in all it was 20 minutes.

When the Peri was done he told me it was a hard stitch to place, not the hardest, but one of the more difficult he's done. He then went to tell Andrew how it went and told him that because of the trauma done to my cervix, it was a very challenging cerclage to place and recommended that we may consider keeping the cerclage in and doing a c-section. In the mean time I was wheeled into recovery and stayed there for about an hour. They checked my leg responsiveness and while I could wiggle the toes on my right side, lift my leg, bend my knee, I could pretty much just flex the ankle on my left side. My spinal had worked lopsided which is why I started feeling pain during surgery. I was having quite a bit of cramping so they started the epidural right away and that helped tremendously.

I met Andrew up in L&D and we got settled in for the night. It was a long night with little sleep. They cleared me for a regular diet so I ordered hospital food which was amazing at the time because I was starving, but gave me terrible gas pain and constipation the next morning; that's not good when you have pelvic pain and can't exert a lot of pressure in that area. They came in to change out IV bags, give me medications, and check on the baby's heart beat every so often. They also left the blood pressure cuff on and I guess I would bend my arm weird in my sleep and it would alarm, and I normally have low blood blood pressure, so when I sleep it's even lower, and that set off the alarm as well. Plus hospital beds really aren't that comfortable. The Foley catheter they placed started bugging me in the middle of the night so they stopped my epidural around 3:30 AM and then took the catheter out around 5:30 AM. I was up within 20 minutes to go to the bathroom. It felt great! Unfortunately all the blood and antibacterial wash they had used kept dripping out for a few hours. I was able to eat some breakfast and we had to wait for one of the Peri's to get in and clear us to check out. They said that would happen by 9:00 or 10:00 AM. A nurse finally came in around 11:30 AM and asked if we had seen the Peri yet and then she left to find her. She came in about 30 minutes after that, it looked like she just arrived or was on her way out, asked how I felt, "fine," and then said we were ok to go. Andrew and I looked at each other like "I can't believe we had to wait for that."

The nurse was supposed to give me a percocet before leaving because the epidural had completely worn off and I was cramping quite a bit, but forgot. Thank goodness Andrew had decided to fill my prescriptions before we left, so I was able to take one while waiting for him to find our car. We had used valet parking when we arrived on Friday but apparently they didn't run on the weekends. We finally got on the road but with all the detour signs we ended up going the wrong way on the interstate. At this point I was in a lot of pain and really uncomfortable even being reclined in the car, and really had to pee thanks to all the fluids they had given me. I started crying and it was making him really anxious. When the percocet kicked in I was feeling a little better and more calm, so Andrew quit freaking out. We stopped twice on the way home so I could pee. We met Andrew's parents at one of the gas stations and they gave us a cooked meal and some other food. So sweet of them.

That first day I was feeling pretty miserable. I crawled on the couch as soon as we got home. My mom brought the dogs over and a meal she had cooked too. What great family we have! Then I took a nap. When I woke up I was feeling significantly better, probably because I finally got some sleep, but still crampy. I was using percocet regularly the first 2 days but was able to ween myself off by day 5. Recovery seemed to be going smoothly and I was feeling better each day. Then Friday, a week later, I had a little scare. I was having some stabbing pains and then had some bright red spotting. Had an exam and u/s and my cervix looked amazing, 1cm longer even, and baby was great. They said the bleeding was probably just from the cerclage and because of the Lovenox.

I had my scheduled u/s with the Peri 4 days later and they looked more at the cervix and stitch and the baby. She was measuring a few days behind which they assured me was normal as babies grow at different rates, and the cervix was measuring around 3.2 cm! We talked a little bit more about doing a c-section and that is something I need to talk to my OB about. We will have one more u/s with the Peri group at 26 weeks and then I graduate out of their care! I've been able to resume mostly normal activity but still taking it easy. Two and a half weeks later and things are still going great.

Tomorrow morning Andrew and I are off to Englewood, Colorado to get my cerclage placed. After weeks of ultrasounds with great cervical length measurements in the mid 3cm range, we found out on Tuesday that it had shortened to 2.05cm. Ideal range is 3-5 with anything below 2.5 being very concerning.

I know we had been doing ultrasounds every two weeks just for this very reason but I was still upset by the news. Things had been going so well. I really thought the Lovenox was the solution to all my problems. Now this. I'm trying to be optimistic. I have a lot of confidence in the perinatologist doing the procedure. Their group has just been wonderful in monitoring me.

Even though I did this before with Parker, I'm still so nervous for tomorrow. I know the cerclage experience I had with him makes this all the more scary but knowing what I know now, I absolutely believe that his and Holden's losses had nothing to do with my cervix and everything to do with the clotting disorders. This time I have a very typical presentation of cervical incompetence. No pain or bleeding this time, just a shortening cervix which was still closed as of Tuesday. I hope it still is.

Wish me luck! We have to stay overnight to be monitored to make sure I don't start having contractions or anything. I hate being so close to viability yet so far. I'll be 21 weeks 5 days tomorrow so I just need another 2 weeks and 1 day at the minimum for this little girl to have a chance at life if something were to happen. I really hope the procedure goes smoothly tomorrow and that in another 4 months I get to bring my baby girl home.

Honestly, I never thought I would make it this far. I dared to hope and dream I would but I've never been able to imagine it. Now that I've reached this milestone, the most pregnant I've ever been, I'm faced with many conflicting emotions. I thought I'd feel more relief. In some ways I do. Things are going much better at this point than they ever did in either pregnancy before. That doesn't many I still can't lose this baby. Fear has a strong hold on me. Now I find myself thinking how cruel it would be to become more attached and in love with this baby growing inside of me only to be devastated by more loss. I just can't go through that again. Hear that, little one? You stay put until it's time for you to come out.

I'm so happy to have made it through my loss milestones and that things are looking good. I'm really trying to be positive. Andrew and I celebrated making it to 15 weeks today. We had Indian food for lunch (I had been craving it!) and then went to Barnes & Noble to buy our first baby things, a few baby books. I really hope I get to read them to my living child one day!

We haven't ever had a day to just celebrate the baby so it was a very special day. I'm so thankful to have made it this far and hope I get to make it another 15 weeks and then some!

My appointment on Tuesday went well. The whole drive over I was mentally preparing myself for the possibility of her not finding the heartbeat. I kept thinking she wouldn't find the heartbeat so we'd have to go get an ultrasound and the baby would be dead. Then I'd feel really sad and tell myself she HAS to find it. It took a while of searching and finally she said she was giving me the deep treatment. After pressing down harder she was finally able to pick it up. She'd get it and then it would be gone. She'd find it again and then it would disappear. She finally got a reading of 178bpm. I was just so happy to hear that sweet sound.

The OB said that things are looking good so far. She said she wishes we could be like a normal couple, where she could tell us that since there's a strong heartbeat so close to the second trimester that we're getting our of the danger zone, but that wouldn't give us much comfort. We have the appointment with the Perinatologist next Tuesday where we'll be doing the NT scan and cervical length check and we'll know more about what's next then. For now we'll just schedule an appointment for four weeks. Also, I should continue my modified bed rest. Basically, when I'm home, rest as much as possible.

That was my fifth day of no spotting in a row. Then on day six, after a strained bowl movement (thank you constipation), I had some more spotting. It was not like the spotting I've had before, that was more pink/red streaked mucous. This time it was a bright red spot of only blood and took a few wipes to clear away. It really had me freaked out! I told myself that it's still just spotting, nothing heavy, so I shouldn't worry unless it got heavier or continued. Luckily I haven't had any for the last two days. Please, bleeding, stay away! I don't need you stressing me out. I have enough stress already, thank you.

We're moving into our new place on Sunday. We're getting lots of help so I don't have to lift a finger. I'm so thankful to have so many family members and friends that are willing to help. Andrew and I have been pretty stressed trying to get things done with me only being able to minimally help. I can tell he gets annoyed and a little frustrated that I'm not doing more but I know he knows why I can't. I feel bad because I wish I could do more. I've probably been pushing myself more than I should. I can't wait until we are moved in and hopefully that will reduce some of this stress. We just have way too many things going on right now.

I'm getting more and more scared the further along I am. I'll be 12 weeks on Sunday when we move. That's less than two weeks from when we lost Parker (13w5d) and three from when we lost Holden (14w5d). I told Andrew that it would be amazing if we could make it to our next OB appointment which would put me at 15+ weeks. At the same time, we've never made it that far and I'm terrified of even scheduling it because I can't imagine that I'll still be pregnant then. Part of me thinks it's pointless to schedule it and the other part is just wishing so hard that I can make it. Of course I'll make the appointment, but I'm sure I'll be thinking how much it's going to suck to cancel in a few weeks. Gosh, I wish this pessimism would go away!

Tried to find the heartbeat on my home doppler this morning to help ease my fears, but couldn't. I had to tell myself that the OB had a tough time just three days ago and I'm still only 11 weeks 5 days so it's still kind of early. I'm sure my doppler isn't the best either I wish I had noted when I found it with Parker. I was thinking it was late 11 weeks or early 12. I'll try again when we get moved and hope I can find it. I'd like some reassurance before I go to the ultrasound on Tuesday that the baby is still ok. For now I'm just trying to have hope that he or she is still growing strong in there and that everything will be fine. Keep growing little one!

I am 11 weeks and 1 day today and last night I did my 32nd shot of Lovenox. Officially over a month of shots done! Still ~244 shots to go. They have been relatively easy to do even though I go through periods where I take longer to do a shot. It's not that I'm afraid it will hurt, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, but in my mind I'm thinking "I don't want to do this anymore." I know that I will and that I have to, but some days it's hard. I guess I get that way about my vitamins too. I get sick of taking them. I know that ultimately I'm doing it for a great cause but I just wish I knew for sure that it would be worth it. That in the end I will have this living baby to hold in my arms and take home with me.

I'm really not trying to complain but lately I've been thinking a lot about losing this baby. I've been 4 days spotting free after 15 or 16 days of it in a row, which was really stressful. Now, I'm freaking about about not spotting and what it means. Logically, no spotting would be a good thing, but I can't help but think that maybe it means something is wrong. Crazy, I know.

I don't necessarily have a reason to think that I'll lose this baby, but given my past, I kind of do. You know? I feel so detached from this pregnancy. Much more than I did during my second pregnancy. With Parker, I just had one loss under my belt, thinking we had a reason why and a solution. At first I was scared to get excited, but after awhile it came and I was filled with hope and optimism. I just don't feel that now. I have the briefest moments of happiness but the rest of the time I'm in a constant state of fear. I can't help about thinking of the ways I could lose the baby, when it could happen, everything I would need to do to prepare, and about all the things I'd do differently this time. We still don't know definitively why I lost Holden and Parker. We just have potential causes and contributors to treat and hope that these interventions will help.

I think about losing the baby far more than I think of a future with a baby. I hate that I think that way. It's just so hard to imagine that I could bring this baby home. It used to be much easier to picture my life with children but now...I don't even know where to begin. I can't even imagine myself making it out of the second trimester. The further along I get the more the depression creeps in, in preparation for a loss. I think it's a protection mechanism but I know that it will do me no good if the day comes that I lose this baby too. As detached as I feel, I still love this baby so much and would be devastated beyond belief to lose him/her.

I really do try to think of the positive. When I start feeling negative I take a moment to just breathe, put my hand on my lower abdomen, and think positive thoughts and hope my baby can feel the positive energy and love. I definitely believe in the power of positive emotions I want my baby to know that, not just my constant stress and negativity. I look online at baby stuff now and then and on the birth boards. I think those are positive signs that hope is finding it's way back into my heart. Please let this baby make it.

I have an appointment tomorrow. We are supposed to listen for the hb on a doppler. I've been trying with my at home one but no luck yet. I don't think I was able to find it with Parker until mid to late 11 weeks so I'm trying not to let myself stress too much about it. The OB found it at early 11 weeks both times (I think). I hope she finds it tomorrow and that later this week I can start listening in. I'm not even sure why it gives me reassurance. Holden and Parker both had strong heart beats after my water broke so for me it hasn't ever been much of an indication that everything's ok. I guess I just know all the other ways things can go wrong so it gives me some comfort. Wish me luck at the appointment tomorrow!

I've been hesitant to post on here. I think it's all out of fear. I guess I should start with the news. I'm pregnant. Two days after my last post I took a test and it was positive. I find it funny that while I was posting about how I'm afraid I'll never be pregnant or have a child, that I was in fact pregnant. I'm 7 weeks and 3 days today.

I thought about posting right away, but I thought I would wait until I knew it would stick. I was so worried about another chemical pregnancy. I got a positive when I was about 3w5d and then took tests everyday for about 7 days to make sure they were getting darker, which they were. Thank goodness for those internet cheapies! Then I decided to wait to post the good news until our u/s at 6w2d. We were measuring pretty exact to my dates, within a day. Nice strong hb of 128. Since then I've just been too scared that if I post the news, then something bad will happen and I'll have to write another post about how I lost the baby. Stupid, huh?

The day after the u/s, I had my first prenatal appointment. They did all the usual blood draws and swabs and she added a couple for infection as well, per the perinatologists suggestions for this pregnancy. Found out I have a small SCH again, like last pregnancy, but it's so small they couldn't measure it. Of course it has me worried. I started my Lovenox injections that day as well. That was what I was most terrified about in a subsequent pregnancy (other than losing the baby). It took me 5 minutes to work up the courage to do my first shot, not helped by Andrew saying "I thought you said the needle was just going under the skin....that looks long," but since then, I've been able to do them more easily. I'm pretty proud of myself! I was worried that I wouldn't be strong enough to stab myself in the stomach with a needle everyday. Let me tell you, it is not pleasant! The needle stab itself really doesn't hurt...most of the time, but the medicine burns like crazy! Icing the injection site before and after, and slow injection has really helped. I think I'm starting to get into a groove and finding out what works the best for me. 7 shots down, only 270 more to go!

I got a call a few days after my appointment saying that all my tests looked fine, but they did find Group B Strep in my urine. Normally they don't worry about this until labor, at which point they give you IV antibiotics, but since they found it so early, they decided to go ahead and have me take a 10 day course of oral antibiotics. For the most part, Google confirmed what the doctor had told me, but I decided to see if it's associated with miscarriage and found a few articles/studies done that believe it could be associated with recurring miscarriage and second trimester losses. Also, if they find it in your urine then your vagina is heavily colonized. Great. Another thing to worry about.

Sunday afternoon, at 7 weeks, I went to the bathroom and had a gush of blood. Hasn't this happened before during my previous two pregnancies? Andrew and I called urgent care and they had an OB in the office, the same one we saw during our first pregnancy that told us I was effacing. He did an exam and said the cervix was closed and felt fine. We got scheduled for an u/s at the hospital. They found the hb right away, a little stronger than last time at 141, and he/she had grown since the last u/s, so that was good. It was relieving to see that there was still a baby in there, but the bleeding has completely taken away all of our optimism. We were trying so hard to be positive this time because I'm on Metformin and Lovenox and the OB is consulting with a Perinatologist. This dragged us right back down to an uncomfortable level of fear and panic.

It would be dumb to expect a different outcome given the same series of events occurs in each one of my pregnancies. No matter what outward influence we exert on my body, it doesn't seem to have an affect. We want more than anything for this baby to live, to hold him/her in our arms in January, but we just can't visualize it. As much as we are hoping for the best, we are expecting the worst. Andrew and I had a nice long talk and decided if we make it into the second trimester again, or further, and lose another baby, we will probably stop trying. The idea of experiencing that level of pain even one more time is too much. In some ways, our losses have brought us so much closer together, but they have also put a huge strain on our relationship.

I hate that this is even a topic of conversation when I'm only 7 weeks pregnant. I wish we could just have a normal pregnancy and know that we will take this baby home, but we have to prepare for "ifs." I hope so much that I won't have any more bleeding and this pregnancy will be very successful. Please send positive thoughts our way if you can.

Sunday, April 24th, was Parker's one year anniversary. I spent over an hour making a birthday cake from scratch while Andrew grilled up some steaks. I wanted to make it a celebratory evening. The cake turned out great but the frosting was a little....weird tasting. Next time I will use real butter! I didn't cry all day, which kind of surprised me. Honestly, I was in a pretty good mood. Just remembering Parker made me happy. I had my sad moments though, especially when I was making the cake. If my sons were alive I'd be spending time to make them cakes, so should it really be different because they're not here? Anyway, doing something helps me feel productive, like a real mother.

Now that a couple of days have gone and the reality of passing another one year mark has hit me, I am left feeling pretty hopeless. Why am I still not pregnant? While we are still TTC, I've pretty much given up all hope that this is ever going to happen for us. Andrew even made a comment that he's surprised we're not pregnant already. That surprised me because he hasn't exactly been enthusiastic about all the timed BDing over the last 10 months.

The idea that AF could show up in just a couple of days and start the beginning of month 11 is depressing. What is wrong with me? I'm starting to feel like my body is severely off-balance. It just doesn't make sense that I would get pregnant twice on the first try but not get pregnant after 10 months of trying this time around. I haven't been blogging and I've taken a break from Babycenter for the last month. I just needed some time to myself and a break from focusing so much on TTC. I quit most of my supplements (extra folic acid, B12, baby aspirin, occasional B6 and fish oil). I'm just on prenatals and Metformin. I was only on prenatals when I got pregnant the first two times so the conditions must have been right. I wonder if the supplements were throwing my body out of whack?

I had a two and a half week lapse in Metformin this cycle thanks to my stupid fucking insurance. Three days before I needed to refill my prescription I got a letter saying I had reached my limit in picking up 30 day refills for a long term prescription. I would have to pay full price or mail order 90 day refills. I don't ever remember reading this in our insurance info! Not a huge deal except that it could take a week to process and another 7-10 days to ship! I tried refilling my script anyway while I waited for the pills to come in the mail but the insurance delayed it by a week, at which point I figured it wasn't worth it to pay $20 for 20 days' worth of pills when I was going to get them in the mail in a week. Part of me wondered if I shouldn't just take a break from the Metformin too. I decided that after all the GI tract issues it caused working up to the full dose that the sooner I got back on, while something might still be in my system, the less painful it was going to be. Also, what if I do have PCOS? What if that has been one of the leading causes for my losses and I was just lucky to get pregnant before? I can't take that risk right now. However, if I'm not pregnant by the time the 90 days runs up, I'm going to stop taking Metformin.

At that point I'll be seeking answers about infertility anyway. I meet with my doctor May 18th for my annual exam, at which point I can talk to her about the upcoming one year mark and pursuing answers to my infertility. I just can't explain to you how much it sucks to not only have multiple losses, but to now be suffering from infertility! I can't believe that if Holden had lived and made it to his due date, he would be turning one in May. In June it will be one year from when we started trying for our third child. That in August it will be two years from the first time I found out I was pregnant. I was 23 when I found out I was expecting Holden, 24 when I found out I was expecting Parker, but I'll be lucky to be 26 before I give birth to a baby, if I ever do.

I just don't have it in me to be optimistic anymore. My hope is quickly fading and I'm starting to realize that the possibility I may never have biological children is a likely scenario. Why does this have to be so hard?

I’ve been very emotional lately. Mostly the sad kind. I’m in a bad place right now with TTC. I just keep going round and round and I’m getting so sick of this continuous loop that keeps ending in disappointment. The only thing to dig me out of this place is to get pregnant and not have to TTC anymore. I know another pregnancy will come with its own set of issues, but I’m ready to not have to take my temperature every day, to not have to pee on sticks to find out if I’m ovulating or if this was our month, to stop having timed sex, to quit planning my life around the possibility of being pregnant, and to not be crushed each month when my period shows up.

A lot hit me last week. Next month, on April 24th, will be Parker’s one year anniversary. Then we have May right after that, which will be one year from Holden’s due date. It’s hard that I’ve had to go through Holden’s one year anniversary, soon Parker’s, and then the point at which my first little boy should be turning a year old. On top of that, this is my last opportunity to get pregnant and have a baby in 2011. If not, it’ will be on to 2012. It’s amazing the weight that dates hold. It’s depressing.

I’ve been crying a lot more this month. All of these dates coming up and the potential for AF to show up next weekend are weighing me down. I don’t have a lot of support in my life. I’m so thankful for my online support because I don’t know how I would deal with all of this on my own. I have no one else to talk to. When I talk to my mom she tells me that I’m thinking too much about it and stressing myself out. If I quit worrying, then it will happen. How does she know the magic secret?! That’s all I have to do. Of course! *Sigh*I don’t talk to her about it much anymore. It’s not like I’m in a constant state of stress. Sometimes I just need to vent about it and have some reassurance that it’s going to happen for me…one day.

Thankfully, I have a real life support group now- Face2Face. We’ve had two meetings so far. It’s amazing how it wasn’t weird or awkward when I met these people, not the way it is when you meet a stranger for the first time. There was an instant connection, an understanding, when we met. We are bonded by the tragedy of our lives. I’m so thankful to have met them, to look into the eyes of someone who understands, and get a true, caring response back. Someone who can say “I know” and mean it.

In other news, I got a call at the beginning of this week about a blood test last week. Last May and June, after I lost Parker, I had a lot of blood tests done. One of them, the ANA, came back borderline positive, which would be indicative of an autoimmune disorder. They wanted to retest 6 months later. Well, 8-9 months later I got a notice in the mail to come in to have the test done again. It was negative this time! Phew. Part of me was hoping that maybe I had a thyroid issue or something where I could just take medication and *bam* everything would fix itself and I’d get pregnant. Like I don’t have enough wrong with me already. I am really relieved though. I’m glad that I don’t have one more thing to worry about preventing me from getting pregnant or from being an issue during pregnancy.

I ovulated on CD20 this cycle. I had none of the random bleeding between CD12-15 that I’ve had the last four months. Thank you! The Metformin must be doing something right. 5DPO today. Not feeling pregnant. I hope that I get symptoms soon. I hope that I’m pregnant. I’m trying to be optimistic since this cycle has been so normal, but I’m already planning my pity party. It will consist of swollen eyes, sad movies, loads of ice cream, and preferably lots of booze. Real healthy, huh? I’ll be testing next Saturday so wish me luck! C’mon spring, bring the miracle of new life my way!

Well, AF showed up last week. CD6 today. I'm pretty disappointed but glad my temperatures looked normal for the first time in months. I really hope that is a good sign for this cycle! Maybe things are finally getting regulated again. I didn't get any tricky symptoms in the 2WW either, like the tender nipples, nausea, and cravings, (among other symptoms) that I have been getting the last few months. I wasn't pregnant so I didn't have any symptoms. That has to be good too, right?

I calculated my due date if I ovulate late like I normally do. If I O on CD23 or CD24, I'll be due on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day! I probably wouldn't deliver on those days anyway because for one, most women don't deliver on their due date, and two, I may have to be induced because of the clotting disorders and blood thinners I'll be on. Still, that's some pretty neat timing right there. What a great present that would be! That's right before my birthday too (New Year's Eve). I told Andrew, if that happens, he won't have to buy me anything because I'll have everything I want!

I’m going to try to relax, have a few drinks, and have fun this cycle. I really want to go into this month with a positive attitude. Gotta think positive! I’ll still be temping, of course, but maybe I can find some ways to spice up the BDing so it doesn’t feel so timed and mechanical. The nice weather we've been having lately has put me in a good mood so I hope it keeps up. I could use some positive energy. I hope March is my lucky month!

I haven't felt like writing on here lately. I have been following along with fellow BLM blogs though. Even though I haven’t been commenting I think of you all often! I'm just getting so discouraged. I started this as a baby loss blog to write down all my feelings about loss and memories that I didn't want to forget about dear Holden. Then it became a TTC blog with the hope that I would get pregnant again soon, which I did, and it became a pregnancy blog. Then a baby loss blog again when I lost my darling Parker. Then there was the second time around as a TTC blog with a brief two day stint as a pregnancy blog for my chemical pregnancy. It has now been a TTC blog for the third time for the last 8 months! 8 freaking months. It's hard to wrap my head around this incredibly long journey I'm on. When will it ever be at an end?

At the end of last June, when we started TTC again, I never would have guessed I'd still be trying to get pregnant in February of the next year. My thought was that I'd be 6-7 months pregnant at this point. I thought that my luck in easily getting pregnant would carry over and it wouldn't take more than a couple of months of trying. I'm ready for this to be a pregnancy blog again but the more months that go by, the less I can even imagine myself being pregnant again. The idea of having living children in my future seems so distant. I’m so happy for the BLM’s that are carrying their rainbows or those that have already given birth to them. It gives me such hope. It also makes me so sad because I want to join you more than anything and I don’t know if that will ever happen. It seems like everyone is passing me by.

Sorry to be such a downer! I’ve been trying to be positive lately but it’s hard to stay positive when every month I’m disappointed that AF has showed up once again, leading to another month of TTC. Another month of trying to make timed sex fun, of hiding where I’m at in my cycle from Andrew so he doesn’t feel pressured (even though I still do!), and another month of not knowing if all that work is going to pay off! The Metformin does seem to be doing something though. This is the first month in 3 months that my temps are doing what they're supposed to. That's got to be a good sign. I still ended up with the mid-cycle spotting this cycle but that was only 20 days after I started the Metformin and I had just made it up to the full dose. My doctor said it's not really effective until you get to the full dose (and even then it can take 2-4 weeks), so even if this month doesn't work, I have a good feeling that next month will be the one, though I'd rather not move into month 9 of TTC.

I’m in my 2WW wait now but I don’t think I’m pregnant. Fertility Friend thinks I’m 8DPO but I’m pretty sure I’m only 6DPO. Unfortunately, I have zero symptoms and I’ve had symptoms by now with my previous pregnancies. Maybe increased appetite, but who wouldn’t have one when there are 5 boxes of yummy Girl Scout cookies on your kitchen table?! Andrew is a sucker for those cute little faces. "They really know how to sell!" he tells me. Based on the last 7 months, I've decided that 2WW symptoms aren't that reliable anyway so I'm still in the game until AF shows her bitchy face. Andrew made a comment if we end up being pregnant he thinks our due date would be very close to his dad’s birthday at the beginning of November. Andrew and Holden have mid-November birthdays as well so it would be a really special birthday present for all of them! His sister gave birth to the first grandchild in the family on his mom’s birthday, so it would be nice if our first child could be born on his dad’s birthday. I doubt timing would be that perfect but it would be pretty neat! That would also require me being pregnant this month and I don’t think I am. I think I’m going to test on the 23rd or 24th because whether I’m right or FF is right, I should be able to get a positive by then if I’m pregnant. KYFX for me!

I’ll have to update soon about my classes. They are going well…for the most part. It’s crazy how busy I feel with just 2 classes. I’m also helping my friend get her in home day care running, where I’ll be working, and we’re so close! We might be starting next week. We’ve actually had so much interest that we may have more kids than spots! It’s great because I’ve heard a lot of stories about how difficult it can be to get kids in at first. Maybe working with children will help me be able to imagine having kids of my own again soon. I miss pregnancy/baby dreams. I miss just daydreaming in general about a future life with children and what that would look like. I’m really looking forward to it.

I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a few weeks. Apparently unemployment has a way of greatly reducing my motivation and productivity. It has been nice to take a little break this past week and a half though. My stress level has decreased, which I'm happy about. No more going to a job I hate and getting stressed out! I’m still looking for another job though. Not much out there, unfortunately.


I had an appointment with my doctor this past Monday to talk about my mid-cycle bleeding. I had it again this cycle on CD11-12, after having it around CD14-15 the last two cycles. She wasn't worried about my spotting before AF. She said that it happens to a lot of women and that as we age our cycles change so that could be what is happening for me. I still feel like it is connected to the mid-cycle spotting since it all started at the same time, but oh well. She is concerned about the mid-cycle spotting/bleeding though. She believes it is hormonal since it seems to be happening around the same time every month. I was so worried it was cancer or an infection, but she said those things cause very irregular bleeding, nothing in a pattern, so that was a relief!

She asked other questions- if I had pain when the bleeding happens, pain during intercourse, abnormal hair growth, etc. I told her that I do have some cramping when I bleed, much like when I ovulate, no to the others, but that I had been breaking out pretty bad for the past few months, even on my chest which rarely happens. I've always had 30+ day cycles and sometimes have very longs cycles, like last month's 42 day cycle. She thinks I may have PCOS. She wants to do an ultrasound to confirm but we are holding off on that until I get a job since our deductible reset and we can't afford it. She said since I already have several signs of it she would go ahead and prescribe Metformin. Even if I don't have PCOS, it will still help regulate my cycle and she said it's also given to women to help them get pregnant. She also told me to get on baby aspirin. She looked in the chart and remembered that my peri's opinion was to not take it until fetal heart tones are established in my next pregnancy, but every doctor has different views on the subject. At their practice they suggest women with only one clotting disorder to take it, and I have two!

This new potential diagnosis worries me. PCOS has caused lots of infertility issues with women, which is possibly the reason I'm not pregnant after trying for 6 cycles/7 months this time around. I haven't done much research yet but, based on my Google findings, women with PCOS have a higher miscarriage rate- conflicting reports give between 45% to as high as 64%. This is terrifying considering the increased miscarriage rates for those with MTHFR and FVL. I'm starting to feel like my pregnancies were doomed from the start. Maybe this is an additional reason why I lost my babies. If I do have it then I'm happy I'm getting treatment now before getting pregnant and having to endure another loss. Lucky for me, Metformin not only helps women to conceive by regulating their cycles and ovulation, but when taken during pregnancy also greatly reduces the miscarriage rates to the national average (down to 12% in one study). This corresponds with what my doctor said about keeping some women on it during pregnancy and information I've received from fellow online BLM's that stayed on it/will stay on it into their second trimesters.

I'm really hoping this new medication and reduced stress helps me get pregnant. The idea of moving into my 8th month and 7th cycle of TTC is really depressing. I hope that I don't get AF next Friday and instead get my BFP. I'm not too hopeful with my wonky cycles and the fact that my temps this month aren't following a normal pattern, though they are not as all over the place as last month, but it could happen! Keep your fingers crossed for me!