I haven't felt like writing on here lately. I have been following along with fellow BLM blogs though. Even though I haven’t been commenting I think of you all often! I'm just getting so discouraged. I started this as a baby loss blog to write down all my feelings about loss and memories that I didn't want to forget about dear Holden. Then it became a TTC blog with the hope that I would get pregnant again soon, which I did, and it became a pregnancy blog. Then a baby loss blog again when I lost my darling Parker. Then there was the second time around as a TTC blog with a brief two day stint as a pregnancy blog for my chemical pregnancy. It has now been a TTC blog for the third time for the last 8 months! 8 freaking months. It's hard to wrap my head around this incredibly long journey I'm on. When will it ever be at an end?
At the end of last June, when we started TTC again, I never would have guessed I'd still be trying to get pregnant in February of the next year. My thought was that I'd be 6-7 months pregnant at this point. I thought that my luck in easily getting pregnant would carry over and it wouldn't take more than a couple of months of trying. I'm ready for this to be a pregnancy blog again but the more months that go by, the less I can even imagine myself being pregnant again. The idea of having living children in my future seems so distant. I’m so happy for the BLM’s that are carrying their rainbows or those that have already given birth to them. It gives me such hope. It also makes me so sad because I want to join you more than anything and I don’t know if that will ever happen. It seems like everyone is passing me by.
Sorry to be such a downer! I’ve been trying to be positive lately but it’s hard to stay positive when every month I’m disappointed that AF has showed up once again, leading to another month of TTC. Another month of trying to make timed sex fun, of hiding where I’m at in my cycle from Andrew so he doesn’t feel pressured (even though I still do!), and another month of not knowing if all that work is going to pay off! The Metformin does seem to be doing something though. This is the first month in 3 months that my temps are doing what they're supposed to. That's got to be a good sign. I still ended up with the mid-cycle spotting this cycle but that was only 20 days after I started the Metformin and I had just made it up to the full dose. My doctor said it's not really effective until you get to the full dose (and even then it can take 2-4 weeks), so even if this month doesn't work, I have a good feeling that next month will be the one, though I'd rather not move into month 9 of TTC.
I’m in my 2WW wait now but I don’t think I’m pregnant. Fertility Friend thinks I’m 8DPO but I’m pretty sure I’m only 6DPO. Unfortunately, I have zero symptoms and I’ve had symptoms by now with my previous pregnancies. Maybe increased appetite, but who wouldn’t have one when there are 5 boxes of yummy Girl Scout cookies on your kitchen table?! Andrew is a sucker for those cute little faces. "They really know how to sell!" he tells me. Based on the last 7 months, I've decided that 2WW symptoms aren't that reliable anyway so I'm still in the game until AF shows her bitchy face. Andrew made a comment if we end up being pregnant he thinks our due date would be very close to his dad’s birthday at the beginning of November. Andrew and Holden have mid-November birthdays as well so it would be a really special birthday present for all of them! His sister gave birth to the first grandchild in the family on his mom’s birthday, so it would be nice if our first child could be born on his dad’s birthday. I doubt timing would be that perfect but it would be pretty neat! That would also require me being pregnant this month and I don’t think I am. I think I’m going to test on the 23rd or 24th because whether I’m right or FF is right, I should be able to get a positive by then if I’m pregnant. KYFX for me!
I’ll have to update soon about my classes. They are going well…for the most part. It’s crazy how busy I feel with just 2 classes. I’m also helping my friend get her in home day care running, where I’ll be working, and we’re so close! We might be starting next week. We’ve actually had so much interest that we may have more kids than spots! It’s great because I’ve heard a lot of stories about how difficult it can be to get kids in at first. Maybe working with children will help me be able to imagine having kids of my own again soon. I miss pregnancy/baby dreams. I miss just daydreaming in general about a future life with children and what that would look like. I’m really looking forward to it.
