A Journey of White Spray

just came back from the src street soccer court (don't worry bathed already). played street soccer with the hall 11 pple.

one word: SHIOK =D

but then, one sian thing. i got scratches on my left spectacle lens. sigh. lazy didn't want to put contacts. orbigood.

**********
the Lord watches over you - the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
the Lord will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.

how good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!

sometimes the bible can be quite funny literally:
let the saints rejoice in this honour and sing for joy on their beds.

bq is at proverbs 1.

*********
and from a brother:

therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. forgive as the Lord forgave you. and over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (colossians 3:12-14)

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this sat's gathering, only waiting for eunice and ruolin to confirm.

so far xh, jon, sooks, joe, me, wen, lin, sam, chin lee confirm. that's a lot! =))

*********
OH MY... ELSON IS MR MANHUNT 2007. YOU MEAN THAT GUY SCRAWNY GUY THAT USED TO SIT 3 TABLES TO MY DOWN MY RIGHT? YOU MEAN THAT GUY THAT USED TO PLAY GAY WITH JON? THAT GUY??? WOW!! GOOD JOB!! WAY TO GO ELSON!!

browsing through the website... miss universe, miss earth, miss chinatown... there's so many titles i didn't know or even heard about... like miss ieatyourshorts, miss actcutebuaycute, miss icanwhoopyourarseanytimeiwant...

but the killer of them all must be miss queen of the world singapore (real title!!). why don't they just call it miss iownyou, miss youareowned, miss allbowdowntomeyoupunyants, miss worlddomination etc. or maybe just miss dumbo.

which reminds me, i suggested a change in name for band 3. how come worship 1 bands have names like ignite, abide and we're called band 1, band 2, band 3? need something fiercer than ignite... how about "convert or die MUAHAHAHAHAH"? XD

cranky XD

The Wind Wrote in the Water at 10:39 pm

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

saturday morning to sunday morning was BB ops meeting. as usual, it's rather draggy, but we still had fun nevertheless. it started from 8pm and ended 4.30am. in between we had tons of snacks and drinks, and ordered mac. by 3am however, i'm zombie mode already.

slept until 7.30am and yong xi sent me home. i told him i would try to make it for service but i know realistically i won't wake up. indeed i woke up at 12.30pm. went back to church for practice, and since nathan can't make it, i'm playing bass. it's fun, haven't played bass in a while. bass is that grooving undertone that no one really pays attention to, but if there's no bass you will surely feel that something is missing.

i drove back to school at 9.30pm. i didn't realise how tired i am until i was driving. orange lights. straight expressways. darkness. boring. monotonous.

i almost had an accident on the PIE, would have been a crash into the curb at a bend near mount pleasant at 90km/h. because i almost fell asleep while driving. somehow i made it. lesson learnt: don't drive if you're tired... it's dangerous.

**********
to be a christian is to love. support one another. encourage one another. build one another. in love.

christians seem to gravitate to pple in need somehow. maybe God put us all in the right place at the right time for pple.

**********
if everything seems too hard, too difficult. and you just wanna throw everything away and give up. if it's just too tiring and too painful. if you feel like you can't take another step anymore. and you dunno why those tears fall anymore. and can't give a damn about what God wants, or thinks, or wat other pple think, or the right thing to do, or even what you yourself tinks, at least remember revelations 21:4.

i did, and it kept me going.

The Wind Wrote in the Water at 1:24 am

Friday, March 23, 2007

The Wind Wrote in the Water at 11:56 pm

Thursday, March 22, 2007

happy birthday jon ol' bud... in about an hour's time! God bless you. there's no need for much words...

last regional xroads, sm appreciation nite. darn funnnnnnnnnnny!

been really busy up till yesterday with presentations and quiz, but it's really not so bad with divine power around. so after yesterday it was like some sort of holiday mood. maybe i'm bluffing myself hahahaha XD

**********
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you succeed, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight.
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, others may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough for some people.
Give the world your best anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
it was never between you and them anyway.

**********
fear not, for we are called more than conquerors. take heart and be courageous. trust Him.

"I don't know what God is doing. He knows. We do not understand, but of one thing I'm sure, He doesn't make a mistake."

The Wind Wrote in the Water at 11:02 pm

Monday, March 19, 2007

and so we finished at our prayer routine at 4am. and that's why jon couldn't wake up on time for his 9.30am bomb calorimeter lab (sounds so cool loh), that guo yuan had to morning call him (at 9.45am heheheh). and that's why i just woke up.

as we're sharing i realised many things. sometimes you really need to talk it out to really understand somethings, things you tink you know but you actually don't. or don't even know it exists at all.

over time, i know a wide range of audience visits my blog. it's not the simple idea of a memory lane or place to rant my nonsense when i first started this blog. it has evolved over time into something much more complex. and so i realised i am subconsciously sensitive to the audience when i blog... nothing wrong with that... i'm not saying i don't care about what other pple feel or tink, but it cannot come to a point when what other pple tink dictates what i put on my blog. i won't be true to anyone, not even myself. the fact remains that this blog is still a memory lane for me and a place to rant my nonsense hahaa =)

i'm ok nowadays, but yet not quite all ok. it's a process. sometimes i still have to deal with struggles that haunt me. everytime they come back i have to deal with them. there's always a choice of dealing it the right way, or the wrong way. everytime they come back i have to deal with them.

there's a part of me that just wants to crush, kill and destroy... but i'm mighty glad to say that with God's grace, He's always there to stop me from crossing over to the dark side and become darth vader, whose spiral to blackness got him to a position worse than he started with. i know the consequences of crossing over, of just giving in. i know that i'll suffer for a long long time, but yet somehow a part of me can crave for 1 minute of destruction, to "feel good" for that 1 minute, and worry about the consequences later. it's a struggle, a struggle.

90% of the healing took 3, 4 months. the last 10% will prolly take another 3 ,4 months. and even so, i fear for that 1% that may never heal. i fear. i really got hurt bad.

i tink i changed. i changed? i dunno, i'm not too sure myself. shattered innocence. i dunno if i can trust again, so complete that i never saw anything coming even when it was too late. didn't know what the heck happened, what was happening, and what is going to happen. i never wanna be there again. but we're all called to trust isn't it? how can anything happen if there's no trust? it's a struggle, a struggle.

what is loyalty? what is sticking thru thick and thin no matter what? what is trust? they all seem so gray and muddled. i fear that i'm getting cynical and i really fear. help. i don't wanna be like this. help.

i'm not pointing fingers at anyone, or opening a can of worms. really. i need a respite and be true. even if i don't personally tell you, or never put this down in a blog, the fact is that all these things happen to me. it's real. it's not accusatory or anything like that, it's just a soul being true to everyone and himself.

i know that all things happen for a purpose and i know for sure that this is actually God's best plan, but i'm still human. i wish i don't, but i grief and hurt sometimes.

only God truely understands how i feel when i share and pray. how much a prayer really means to me, takes out of me, and the struggles i face. i am just mighty glad that God is always around every step of the way, and that i'm able to do what He wants me to do. i don't tink i would have made it by my own strength. He called me to be a friend that never fails. no matter how i feel. no matter what happened. i can do all these willingly, naturally, joyfully. my heart goes out.

**********
as for the vision i had yesterday, i dunno if it's a vision, or is it my imagination, but i saw my mum on her deathbed, i was beside her and talking to her, but she could not respond. and suddenly all the nasty things we did, or said to each other...

don't
matter
anymore.

and i wish i have more time to tell her that i always love her.

even if i don't demonstrate it, or don't know how to express it. that instead of a "you're welcome" i gave a grunt. that instead of a "thank you" i gave a grunt. that instead of a "sorry" i gave a grunt.

**********
you guys may tink that i post personal stuff on my blog, i agree with you, and it's actually more for me than it is for you.

but i tell you, the most personal stuff will never be found anywhere here.

The Wind Wrote in the Water at 11:39 am

Sunday, March 18, 2007

WISH WAND
by: Jill Briscoe

I had a little wish wand and waved it to and fro,
Whenever thoughts turned heavenward or the other place you go.

I thought it safe to trust it with my whole eternal soul,
So I wished the life I lived on earth would get me to my goal.

I wished that all would go to heaven whatever they believed
that Buddha sat at God's right hand and New age be received!

I wished that Paul would change his mind, that Jesus wasn't right
Because He spoke of lostness and a dark, eternal night.

About the way to heaven - one truth, one narrow gate;
And I was so broad-minded that I wished away my fate.

So when I died I waved my wand and the radiant face of Him
Who met me at the gates of heaven wouldn't let me in.

I wrote to heaven's congressman, but he courteously replied,
That I should have left my 'wish wand' at the feet of Him who died.

For wishes could not wish away a lifetime of rejection.
And wishes could not dress my soul in heaven's own perfection.

And wishes could not save me now for hell was so obscene
That wishes there die dhastly deaths, strangled with a scream.

But I took my little wish wand into hell the day I died.
And I waved it at the serpent as he slithered to my side.

It was dark, but I could see him and all I knew was fear
And no matter how I waved my wand he wouldn't disappear.

So I wished that I had wished aright; I wished I lived again.
I wished I had a body that was whole and not racked with pain.

And I wished I could remember something other than the dirt
And I wish I could forget my sin that every memory hurt.

And I wished and wished and wished that I could have another chance.
To cast upon the crucified a trusting, saving glance.

But the devil took my wish wand and he laughed right in my face
And I went to live eternally in darkness and disgrace.

And I never wished a wish again, I had no heart to try.
For hell is where hope ended and all my wishes died.

**********
what are we living for?

for financial security? possessions? emotional security? satisfaction? "meaning in life"? family? friends? boyfrend/girlfrend/spouse? love? knowledge? wisdom? yourself? others? career? fame? fortune? big house? car? pride? authority? power? respect?

if all these were taken from you, is there still a reason for living?

in church, as i'm praying for someone whose father is diagnosed with terminal cancer, i had a vision of mortality. we always wait until it's too late to do anything. to reconcile, to forgive, to bless, to tell them how much they mean to us, to be bold and share with them. will we ever look back and regret we didn't do enuff, that instead of doing wat is right and matters most, we wasted time creating strife. if only we had just one more day.

"at my age of 61, i can tell you sometimes those years pass by way too quickly".

**********
had 3 full wine glasses of jacob's creek shiraz at parkway parade basement in the afternoon. i'm surprised at my own capacity...

The Wind Wrote in the Water at 7:16 pm

Saturday, March 17, 2007

words of wisdom:

说了又不听
听了又不懂
懂了又不问
问了又不做
做了又做错
错了又不改
改了又不服
不服又不说

nothing much... BB parade today. juniors had their AQ so they're not around. soccer after parade... then dinner at 915 with vincent, chon eng and ryan.

church tomorrow. break. bq is at psalms 100.

marketing, ob presentation on wednesday. last xroads and SM appreciation nite on thursday.

The Wind Wrote in the Water at 10:26 pm

Thursday, March 15, 2007

just finished supper and performance... FUN FUN FUN!

7.30pm
avril lavinge - sk8ter boy (lydia)
all america rejects - move along (ying xuan)
maroon 5 - harder to breathe (jia hao)

9.30pm
tom petty - free fallin' (trixie)
matchbox 20 - unwell (choon kiat)
electrico - runaway (desmond)
puff daddy feat faith evans - i'll be missing you (trixie, choon kiat, desmond)

well... loads of fun, laughter and bloopers. last performance for trixie, choon kiat and desmond before they graduate. for the rest... see ya all nex sem. we'll all exist in a snapshot in our memories, digital cameras...

i can imagine if i'm not in jam band or have any other hall commitments, i prolly won't consider staying on nex sem or even further than that... but now it's like all the friends, commitments (not bad ones)... really wanna stay on. hall xi rox. tinking of staying in a single room... heard nex sem all the guy single rooms in my block will be empty (^_^)

i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell,
i know, right now you can't tell,
but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
a different side of me.

i'm not crazy i'm just a little impaired,
i know, right now you don't care,
but soon enough you're gonna think of me
and how i used to be.

how i used to be. me.

going to join the south crusaders soon. whoa it's 11+ already, but well... tomorrow chiong work lah. today... happy =)

The Wind Wrote in the Water at 11:01 pm

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

my fingertips are peeling despite all the very thick skin with years of guitar playing. two straight days of practice in the evening time. and because of the "i'll be missing you" song that made my left hand stretch until wanna cramp. had lotsa fun with nutty, crazy pple. we're all mad. damn funny!! prrrrrrrrrrr... LOL.

anyway, the biggest event this week is on thursday. last hall supper, 7 songs. hope it's a fun time heh heh.

some presentations nex week... aiyoyo.

bq is at psalms 80, just a couple more to the middle chapter of the entire bible.

some deep wounds leave scars as they heal. time to remove even the scars, so that not even a trace of it remains for the future.

jon's birthday and xh's birthday this month. do something.

sometimes i wonder if anyone remembers me, or wish me well, or pray for me before sleeping, or tink of me kindly and fondly.

The Wind Wrote in the Water at 12:36 am

Monday, March 12, 2007

i haven slept in 40 hours.

RTC camp @ JYPS... biggest thing for me was to distribute the BB week cards, leaflets and give presentations. the routine running was done by the younger officers. anyway, we roughly know how june camp is gonna be. a hell camp from beginning to the end, getting more hellish as it goes along. i tried to sleep, but it's too uncomfortable, and my spine hurts.

sunday morning, got down to church from junyuan. band 3's turn. i was on electric and i feel much much more comfy with it, much more relaxed. really can flow along well. i totally enjoyed the experience. singing out loud as i crunch the rhythm portions.

after church, everyone pang seh. suppose to be 6 BB officers going for church sports day. in the end it's just yong xi and me. didn't feel like going but i feel really bad if i don't. anyway, i'm glad i went coz i got to know more pple better.

i haven slept in 40 hours. so i guess i'm tired. good nite. good morning. good day.

The Wind Wrote in the Water at 12:07 am

Friday, March 09, 2007

BB RTC tomorrow. upcoming... BB week... BB enrolment. 17th Company 2007.

BB means a lot to me. it's the reason for a lot of things. pls donate!

ever since i took over finance, BB week has been a faith growing experience, esp esp last year. i remember very worried and praying about it always. well...

2004: $11,342
2005: $13,800
2006: $22,223

all are official figures during submission to BBHQ. as for unofficial... hmmm... XD

300 is alright... it's pretty comic book style, kinda brownish hue throughout the whole movie. if you like a lot of six-pack, naked flesh, grunting, violence, gore (ohhh the blood is like free ketchup), dead mangled bodies, grotesque creeps, gayish god-king, testerone charged war movies... you'll like it. it kinda gets rather bizarre towards the end.

The Wind Wrote in the Water at 10:06 pm

Thursday, March 08, 2007

i was moved, and i just sat there tearing, sobbing, crying. i don't know how or why that happened... i wish i can answer myself... but i can't. i don't understand a lot a lot of things and i don't want to pretend that i know them all. dunno how long that took until i remembered that i don't wanna be like this and have to carry on with bq. i asked for peace and focused, and was answered.

they say the truth hurts. the bible sometimes hurts too. not in a bad way, but provokes self-reflection, conviction and shame.

where i stop in my reading seem to be anointed. for as i carry on there are stuff that are really important for the recent situation.

an oracle is within my heart
concerning the sinfulness of the wicked.
there is no fear of God before his eyes.
for in his own eyes he flatters himself
too much to detect or hate his sin.
the words of his mouth are wicked and deceitful;
he has ceased to be wise and to do good.
even on his bed he plots evil;
he commits himself to a sinful course
and does not reject what is wrong.

the entire psalm 37 is dedicated to jon. read it bro, coz it's the answer to what we shared about last nite. WOW. beyond words... i didn't expect anything, not to mention so soon.

why are you downcast, o my soul?
why so disturbed within me?
put your hope in God,
for i will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God.

God is our refuge and strength,
and ever-present help in trouble.

finally the very first dg of this semester at 4.30, then xroads as usual, but i gotta leave early coz meeting the BB peeps to watch 300 at ps.

bq is at psalm 55.

The Wind Wrote in the Water at 12:26 pm

these couple of days, a little bit on nightmare mode. graded presentation on monday and today. statistics test today.

everything seem to go wrong yesterday.

woke up late, not coz lazing in bed, but just totally concussed, very lethargic. and i know why, coz i haven't been exercising much. after running that time i woke up automatically at 8am the nex day feeling very very refreshed. anyway since i woke up late, all the morning plans screwed up.

handphone no batt... coz i forgot to bring back charger when i left home on sunday.

then during marketing presentation meeting, they tell me we're wearing formal. now then they tell me. and so i gotta go home and then back to ntu again. i was absolutely fuming, but i remembered that i don't wanna be like this. "do not let the sun go down while you are angry". angry yes but sin no. i said a prayer and the anger went away surprisingly quick. yeah!

wanted to print notes... spent about 20 mins sorting thru all those i need to print at the comp lab. and then when im at the print counter, i found out i didn't bring my cash card. i don't put cash card in the wallet as it will interfere with the ez-link card. the card is back in hall. *smacks forehead*

so i went back to hall, packed my stuff, got my cash card, went back to campus to print notes. then went home from there. the plan was to revise for the stats test on the mrt. i went through 6 pages of notes and then i fell asleep. the nex thing i know it's tanah merah.

by the time i was at home in the showers, i felt so crushed in the spirit. so overwhelming, a lot of stuff start attacking me. and then there's training camp for the recruits this weekend. can't stay overnite coz sunday morning it's band 3's turn. then after in the afternoon it's church sports day. and i still have BB week presentation to prepare. and exams are coming.

but somehow... somehow. everything went a full circle. since i was home i was able to get the hp charger. and finally get the formal attire to hall once and for all. and becoz i went back to east side i attended cell... initially i didn't want to attend cell so that i can study for stats test.

aiyah i don't wanna drone on about wat went wrong. basically i feel very blessed and happy! sorrow into joy, peace, courage, and the right perspective that things aren't so bad (cept for the fact that i'm not prepared for test). even the lousiest things can turn good. i was driven back to ntu. thanx brothers.

guess what, the test today was do-able but tricky. im not advocating that we don't study for tests... but im just blessed lah. MuahAhAHAaAaaaa XD

im sick. flu. jon too. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

**********
flying underwear from the sky. stuff tend to fall from somewhere above and land near our laundry lines. and the cleaner auntie will assume that it's ours and "help" kiap it onto our lines. what a good way to dispose unwanted underwear. just ooooops and it goes downstairs ya?

**********
i don't wanna look back and see that i keep chronicles of sad or serious stuff. watever happened to all the light-hearted posts? i changed?

bq is at psalms 35.

The Wind Wrote in the Water at 1:31 am

Saturday, March 03, 2007

went running with xh round bedok reservoir in the morning. at the last stretch about 200 metres we gave all we got. and i almost felt like i wanna vomit. "you really look pale" was a comment. haven been running much, combo with not enuff hydration, makes one really pale cody hahHAHaH!!

well i sat on the grassy bank as i recovered and the breeze was marvellous. i saw a poster that there's a plan to build a floating platform on the reservoir and turn the whole place into a water sports centre. currently it's canoeing, dragon boating... but in the poster there's optimists. sailing at bedok reservoir?? won't experience gusts and gales though... those that really make the heart pale.

went to xh's place and auntie gave me ang pow. cny always feels like 3 days only... didn't occur to me that it's still cny. thanx auntie!

afternoon... BB. gotta prepare for BB week real real soon. played soccer with the Boys, then more soccer after dismissal. raining. slippery basketball court. but who cares man. played until so late, coz deadlock and still cannot score.

Captain sent me home and as i walked towards the lift i looked up to the nite sky and the stars and wonder why God pays so much attention to man... so small. little did i know, as i carried on bq later, psalm 8:3-5 ...

when i consider Your heavens,
the work of Your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which You have set in place,
what is man that You are mindful of him,
the son of man that You care for him?
You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honour.

worship practice tomorrow. gonna be on electric guitar this time.

bq is at psalm 25.

The Wind Wrote in the Water at 10:13 pm

Thursday, March 01, 2007

blessed is the man whom God corrects;
so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.
for He wounds, but He also binds up;
He injures, but His hands also heal.

therefore i will not keep silent;
i will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
i will complain in the bitterness of my soul.
am i the sea, or the monster of the deep,
that You put me under guard?
when i think my bed will comfort me
and my couch will ease my complaint,
even then You frighten me with dreams
and terrify me with visions,
so that i prefer strangling and death,
rather than this body of mine.

what is man that You make so much of him,
that You give him so much attention,
that You examine him every morning
and test him every moment?
will You never look away from me,
or let me alone even for an instant?

but how can a mortal be righteous before God?
though one wished to dispute with Him,
he could not answer Him one time out of a thousand.
His wisdom is profound, His power is vast.
who has resisted Him and come out unscathed?

i know that my Redeemer lives,
and that in the end He will stand upon the earth.
and after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh i will see God;
i myself will see Him with my own eyes -
i, and not another.

you will pray to Him, and He will hear you,
and you will fulfill your vows.
what you decide on will be done,
when men are brought low and you say, 'lift them up!'
then He will save the downcast.
He will deliver even one who is not innocent,
who will be delivered through the cleanness of your hands.

i know that You can do all things;
no plan of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, 'who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
surely i spoke of things i did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.

**********
when pple get what they want, they stop doing what they were doing to achieve it.

bq is at psalms 1

The Wind Wrote in the Water at 8:22 pm