I know i said earlier how life's been good to me and all and i shouldnt be complaining abt stuff.. but just let me get this out of my system hur..
Dad is getting all worked up over me again. thinks i have bad attitude and one thing adds to another, adding fire to flames and all.. it all started with me not reading my mum's essasy cause i thought she didnt want me to read it ultimately since she didn't pass me the essay later that night. ( i know it sounds really silly, all over an essay reading. ) so he thought i had really bad attitude. couple that with me being out of house morning to night most of the holidays. somehow he thinks i should be at home instead.. but the interesting thing is its not as if i'm out to party and play all day. most of the time i'm out its either rehearsals or self practice at ccab. well i guess maybe my bro spent most of his hols in j1 staying at home playing dota.. so he though i should be doing the same. up till now they don't get it do they. they don't seem to understand why i chiong out relentlessly for practice and rehearsals and tire myself out ultimately as compared to staying home. but it makes me satisfied to be doing something, esp music, when the alternative is rotting at home.. they thought i couldnt cope, so i went all out to prove them wrong. studying on the way to rehearsals, studying on the way home from school, studying DURING rehearsal breaks, just to show them i Can cope.
and the fruits of my labour during the promos, all that forgotten within 2months. and now they think i'm slacking and complacent. even my chemistry teacher thinks so. why issit like this. when u don't do well and take a break, they say u're not doing your best. when u actually do something proper and want to take a break, they say u're getting complacent. so thats life hur. slog till u're dead?
let me enjoy myself will you, guys. parents and teachers, i'm not getting complacent. i just need a break, and i will get running soon enough.
In fact, sometimes i wonder all that frustration i get and weight i feel during school, its not really because of schwork, nor is it of the external stuff i do out of school, but its really the thoughts of my teachers and parents weighing down upon me. of them thinking i cant cope, of me being complacent. in a way its a self fufilling prophecy isn it? its becuase of this burden i carry, of their constant "reminders and reprimands" that make me just breakdown in the middle of anything and think what is this life worth living for when all they do is nag and nag abt what i like to do - of wholly using my time in an enjoyable manner. i need counselling, but i know all the counsellors will probably think the same thing; too much things in his life, this boy - i've read enough books on psycho to know the diagonsis of these counsellors already.
Though i admit i need people to keep me in check, but sometimes. its too much. way too much.
its interesting isnt it. the tangible things of my life i'm doing arent the stuff carrying me down and making me underperform, its the intangible - the predictions, the nagging over unsure conclusions, that actually weigh the heaviest upon me. its an irony isnt it?
and so now, back to presnt topic, my dad starts picking on every little thing i do, and i just wont argue back, casue i know it wont work, and only makes him think worse off me since i'm outspoken and that, to him, is being rebellious. So i wont.
and to think i've been conteplating joining one more windensemb as well as a perc ensemble. that was my dream isnt it? an orchestra, a windensem and a perc ensem. but what will it bring me? happiness doing the things i want yes. and what else, more of that " you cant cope, you are complacent " harsh words that truly pierce right to my heart sometimes. I know you people mean well, but i'm sorry, i cant take that when i've tried so hard to show its not true. people often ask me; how do i cope? its simple, when u actually plan out to use every single minute of your time effectively, u can. That half hr ride to rehearsal; plug in that mp3 and study. it's sufficient to wholly revise a full topic of econs. another ride back? u have a seat? take out ur chemistry homework and do maybe half a worksheet? it can be done. but no one seems to see that, all they count is the overall things that go on in your life, my life. and to them, everything in between doesnt matter.
have you any idea how many countless times i'ved sat on that mrt back home at 10pm at night on a school day after a rehearsal and studied for a chemistry test the next day? or doing an economics assignment? or reciting the different mathematics formulaes on the 10min walk home from the mrt nearing 12am at night? you don't see it don't you? it doesnt come without pains of course. people branding me a geek, a freak, when all i wanted was to cope with everything and spend my time wisely. I'm not seeking for attention anything, i just want understanding, for those people to stop branding me fore what i'm doing, for those people to stop even THINKING i'm not able to cope and will probably collapse or something. and hopefully, my parents to understand that their son wants everything. yes he wants everything. his studies, his passion, his fufillment, his satisfaction and to stop thinking he only possesses a mono tracked mind that can only be wholly focused on studies and nothing else. okay probably not, cause they wont even udnerstand at all and will probably think i ought to be barred from the computer from writing all this down.
yea i probably ought to stop writing, since i have this feeling its gonna cover a full webpage.
sorry if i'm like deviating anywhere, i really don't intend to write anything about everything at first, but i guessed it sort of links doesnt it all this little things compounding to the whole picture.
and with life's starting, for the first time, i'm scared. scared of the unknown that lays ahead. not of the hectice life schedule, but of what my parents and teachers will say when they know whats up with my life for the next yr. the hectic schedule i can take, but not the harsh and judgemental words that come along with it. any harsher i dunno what will happen.
mark those words.
okay, so maybe i feel better blogging bout it, cause right now there happens to be a Cow moo-ing at me on msn bout little random things on my oh-so-emotional moment. so i guess thats it, end of this long emotional post.
sorry for the verbal diaherroea ( i never got to figuring out how to spell this word )
oh anyway, question, why do i seem so "slack in sch?" cuz i wanted to enjoy the social joys of schools life. thats that.
maybe abt happy things later in the night.
well lets try.
class chalet plus ccab practice tmr. wheepiee
okay it wasnt succesful, too gloomy a mood. bye.
-Edit-
ought to mention that i wasnt thinking straight when i was posting bout this. at least not completely straight. may have offended people along the way. decided not to take anything off unless explicitly stated since the purpose was it to be a reminder of things i have done and the thoughts that have ran thru my head, insane, inane or not. so there.
