one. on a scale of one to ten, how happy are you? four.

two. do you want to know how it ends? not really.

three. who do you miss? my older brother.

four. what is your most recent act of generosity? salvation army's angel tree gifts.

five. where do you find joy? little things and the twins.

six. what's on your wish list? better lives for the twins.

seven. what is your biggest regret? not loving my brother better.

eight. why are you impressive? generosity, compassion, intelligence, talent, resilience.

nine. moderation or excess? moderation.

ten. what do you find irresistible? pretty eyes, tattooes, strength, kindness.

eleven. if you had to move to a new city, where would you move? don't know. somewhere near water.

twelve. what do you like to talk about? fiction, film and football.

thirteen. what's your favorite cereal? honeycomb/cap'n crunch/corn pops.

fourteen. write down five words that describe today. heartbreaking morning... better... then best.

fifteen. on a scale of one to ten, how spontaneous were you today? two.

sixteen. when was the last time you felt at peace? for a second... yesterday.

seventeen. snuggle down or go out and play? snuggle down.

eighteen. what details from today would you like to remember? fortune parking, pleasant workday and evening.

nineteen. today you gained another pound, i'm sure.

twenty. how ambitious do you feel today? not at all so.

twenty-one. what surprised you today? getting a first-row parking space.

twenty-two. if you could change one thing about today, what would it be? i'd find the right words.

twenty-three. where do you see yourself next year? the same place.

twenty-four. what is your dream vacation? a beach, booze and books.

twenty-five. list what you've eaten for the past week. ice cream, steak, vegetables, junk.

one. any action/adventure flick. x-men: days of future past. this one was pretty nifty. not the best of the x-men films, but certainly not the worst. loved quicksilver's character. loved jennifer lawrence as mystique. and i really like james mcavoy as professor x. but it was sometimes hard to follow, and i feel like some of the storyline was constructed just so the crew could show off their impressive skills at creating special effects.

two. any shot in budapest, hungary. a good day to die hard. UGH. this film franchise needs to die. i loathed this film in the beginning. way too much of the same shit--same car chases, same chaos, same demolition... same story, really... just set in a different country. it got a little better as the film progressed, but... UGH.

three. any awarded an oscar for best cinematography. who's afraid of virginia woolf? richard burton. elizabeth taylor. god, they were beautiful to watch on the screen. not just because of their physiques... their presence was incredible. but i didn't love this movie. i know i should. i didn't like the other couple. you're not supposed to like either one, really, but... i felt sorry for burton's and taylor's characters. the other ones irritated me. and it felt long overall. maybe it was supposed to do so. i can't quite put my finger on it. i would've been okay if i'd never seen this film. i really don't know how to explain it.

four. any drama/biography/documentary. the judge. i love robert downey, jr. i love him in this film. and robert duvall is amazing here.  it's a good story, well-scripted and well-portrayed.

five. any awarded an oscar for best film editing. argo. i loathe ben affleck. but here, he did good. and this story... it's definitely worth watching.

six. any science-fiction/fantasy flick. brave. haven't watched it. this was not an original choice.

i think originally i'd planned to watch hereafter, which i did attempt to see. i watched it for maybe half an hour. but there was a scene that was too difficult for me to see, so i turned it off.

seven. any starring an actress whose last name begins with the letter g. meet me in st. louis (judy garland). i'd meant to watch this for the holiday category. i did not like it, but i LOVE the trolley song. and judy garland's voice... it's so lovely.

originally, for this category, i'd selected dallas buyer's club starring jennifer garner. i watched about thirty minutes of it, but i could not stand matthew mcconaughey's character (and i know... i wasn't supposed to like him); i just could not muster any semblance of compassion for that man. i know it's something i should see. i'm aware of how important his life was, of the impact of his efforts. but i could not bring myself to finish it.

eight. any set during any holiday. in bruges. haven't watched it. this film replaced meet me in st. louis.

nine. any from internet movie database's top flicks list. american history x. haven't watched it.

ten. any starring an actor whose last name begins with the letter j. lincoln (tommy lee jones). i fell asleep so many times during this movie.

eleven. any starring an actress whose last name begins with the letter k. unhook the stars (moira kelly). usually i love gena rowlands. usually i love moira kelly. usually i love marisa tomei. this film is one of those rare exceptions. don't bother with it.

twelve. any shot in london, england. sherlock holmes: a game of shadows. so much of this film went over my head, just like the first one. but i enjoyed watching it.

thirteen. any awarded an oscar for best original score. the way we were. wow. robert redford was a damned fine looking man back in the day. good god. but i could never believe that his character would go for barbra streisand's character. no way, no how.

fourteen. any adapted from any novel. this is where i leave you. i liked this movie a lot, though there's a scene here and there that i wish hadn't been included.

fifteen. any awarded an oscar for best original screenplay. butch cassidy and the sundance kid. SO boring. SO, SO boring.

sixteen. any awarded an oscar for best picture. driving miss daisy. this movie beat out dead poet's society for best picture. that is a horrible, HORRIBLE crime.

seventeen. any featured on american movie classic's fifty great movie quote's list. national lampoon's animal house. watched thirty minutes of it or so. was not amused. of those i'd begun but not yet finished, this is the only one i feel inclined to see to the end, which i will do... at some point.

eighteen. any romance or comedy. st. vincent. LOVED the acting. bill murray is fantastic here. and i actually liked melissa mccarthy, which has never happened. but the story? meh. not so much.

originally, i'd planned to watch airplane!

nineteen. any sports flick. when the game stands tall. this had the potential to be a BADASS film. what an amazing story. and yes, there were definitely scenes that i found gripping. but overall, too much of the story was told with too many of the usual cliches. there are so many better sports films out there.


twenty. any thriller or mystery. lincoln lawyer. of the film's i've seen for this challenge, i liked this one the best. i am NOT a matthew mcconaughey fan, but here, he's impressive.

twenty-one. any starring an actor whose last name begins with the letter u. the newton boys (skeet ulrich). boring. don't bother.

twenty-two. any shot in a country you've never visited. rush (austria). niki lauda's story is wondrous, and daniel bruhl did a beautiful job portraying that man.

twenty-three. any shot in wilmington, north carolina. twenty-eight days. i watched maybe forty-five minutes of this one, but had to turn it off. too difficult for me to see.

twenty-four. any western or war film. fury. UGH. such a waste of time and money.

twenty-five. any from american film institute's greatest american movies of all time. a streetcar named desire. this one's like who's afraid of virginia woolf? i'm glad i watched it, i guess. marlon brando and vivien leigh... but i would've been okay not watching it, too.

there's a five-year journal called q&a: three hundred sixty-five questions - five years - one thousand, eight hundred twenty-five answers. i found it at barnes & nobles and anthropologie. it's good for road trips. it's good for these rq posts i do. this one's gonna be a little different. instead of me rambling about some subject of my choosing, i'm picking twenty-five of november's questions from this here book and anwering them with five words or less.

one. what was something you couldn't do today? have lunch with the twins.

two. what's your biggest expense right now? transportation.

three. when did you last hold a baby? i don't remember.

four. what time did you go to bed last night? nine.

five. what are you bored talking about? sex.

six. is there anything missing in your life? yes.

seven. what song could be your self-portrait? indigo girls' closer to fine.

eight. what do you need to vent about? family.

nine. waking up was pleasant.

ten. what are you obsessed with right now? fixing things potentially irreparable.

eleven. which friend(s) did you last speak to? veronica.

twelve. what is your dream job of the day? something in communications.

thirteen. when was the last time you checked an online social network? fifteen minutes ago.

fourteen. what do you have to get done? my room's a disaster zone.

fifteen. what are your favorite shoes? brown docs.

sixteen. what are you trying to do? i don't know.

seventeen. what is your favorite brunch food? sausage, egg and cheese sandwich

eighteen. who have you recently deleted from your contacts/address book? i don't know.

nineteen. how much water did you drink today? none.

twenty. what three words describe your family? smart, odd, loving.

twenty-one. who inspires you? currently? no one.

twenty-two. what was the last risk you took? submitting a manuscript.

twenty-three. what five words describe your mood? sad, shameful, frustrated, disgusted and perturbed.

twenty-four. today you almost had lunch with the twins.

twenty-five. did you leave work on time? no.

one. my friend melissa and i attempted to watch gone girl tuesday. we sat in that theater for maybe twenty minutes of the show. then we walked out.

two. froot loops are better than fruity pebbles.

three. my first dog, a black lab, was named buckwheat.

four. if given the opportunity to take a trip to anywhere i want with as many or as few people as i'd like for as long as i'd like and money is no object, i would go by myself and fly to alaska and hawaii and then i would take a nationwide roadtrip for however long it takes me to see what i want to see.

five. i'm still descending, though the fall isn't as speedy and straight as it had been.


six. if a genie were to grant me three wishes i would wish for... here is where the road diverges... if i'm descending, then i would wish for love and health for my younger brother, love and health for his children, and sudden death for me (the less violent, the better)... if i am well, i would wish for love, literary representation and publication. (either way... it's selfish.)

seven. i believe in ghosts... that it's entirely possible for a spirit to linger and to haunt.

eight. i am not a huge fan of steak, but if i must eat it, i would prefer it be cooked medium well.

nine. if i am out with my friends at a bar, i like chocolatey drinks and lately i favor a variation of a mudslide. i'm not too much a fan of the blended version... just put the liquor (an ounce of tito's vodka, an ounce of kahlua, an ounce of bailey's) and a little milk in a rocks glass, and i'm good. if the bartenders can't be accommodating, i'd probably get a vodka (tito's again... it's from texas, yall) tonic.

ten. two insurance companies have determined phineas is totaled, but the dealership is saying he can be fixed, so... more waiting. i just want my car back. i can't afford a new one, and i'm kind of in love with that one. i hadn't realized a person could be in love with a car. and yes, i'm aware of how ridiculous that sounds.

eleven. i don't much care for dancing.

twelve. i don't much care for jalapenos, BUT there's a cheesy bread that's got those in it that i love.

thirteen. my biggest achievement is existing when i'd rather be extinguished.

fourteen. if i could go back in time and change something i would hold my older brother tight instead of giving him the pathetic excuse of a one-armed hug he got the last time he reached out to hug me.

fifteen. i am not hungry at all and yet i can't stop munching on the stupid bag of nacho cheese doritos to my left and sipping on what is probably my fifth soda for the day (dr. pepper! yum!).

sixteen. i want a new job. the other day i went to a staffing agency for assistance and was told they could not help me. when i went to a former manager and asked if i could come work for her, she was oh so reluctant. i suppose i should keep the job i have, yeah? at least i have one.

seventeen. i count on my father. i wish i didn't do that quite so much as i do.

eighteen. the other day i used the word pervasive correctly in a sentence; i had to ask my mother just to be sure. on the same day i had to look up the spelling for the word rapport; i'd been helping a friend with her resume and had forgotten how to spell it, so i googled repoire (spelled just like that). my friend suggested that maybe if i couldn't spell the word that perhaps we shouldn't use it in her resume. but i figured out how to spell it. affect and effect confuse the snot out me on a regular basis. i just thought i'd mention this in case yall were thinking i'm some linguistic genius. i'm not.

nineteen. the last person in my missed calls is geico's insurance adjuster calling me about phineas.

twenty. i am very bad about overstuffing myself and overindulging. if it's good, more's better, right?

twenty-one. my biggest expense right now is going to be phineas' repairs. he's really messed up, yall. really messed up. so those following distances they preach about in driver's education and defensive driving... those really are crucial things.

twenty-two. the texas longhorns' football program should remain as is (pathetic) forever.

twenty-three. my dad is my hero.

twenty-four. at the moment, i am stuck on needtobreathe's something beautiful.



twenty-five. i don't really have a victory dance. if something goes well and i'm that excited about it, i throw my fisted hands up and lock my elbows so that my arms are straight like goal posts on a football field.

getting off work on time. earphones (because i just had to sit in front of the baby who cried the WHOLE way to georgia). the medic. coligny beach. chatting with the bartender at proof. my nephew. my bed. weezer (because it was that, aerosmith's eighties rock ballads or adele's sad shit). reading dickens' our mutual friend in the courtyard before work. ed sheeran's lego house. chatting with the soldier boy. the chat i had with my general manager... her reinforcements are sometimes miraculous things that help to restore my sanity. the mornings i've slept until ten (lately i've been waking up most every night at around four a.m. and then again at eight... so those extra hours of sleep are a welcome blessing). dinner with josh and dianne. the two claires. knorr butter noodles. pansies. bodycology bath products. fireworks. trick pony's pour me. the judge. george strait's run. martina mcbride's anyway. the sky on the way to work today: there was this fantastic smattering of white, white clouds shaped like a giant's thumbprint right over the sun. caterine. sarah, the car salesman at the toyota dealership here in town. cherrie's kindness and willingness to alter my work schedule. fudrucker's. leigh's counsel. tylenol pm. the edits i made to the first chapter.

i haven't wanted to write about this. i wasn't going to. i've been trying for the past few weeks to distract myself: i left texas for a long weekend in the deep south; i spent several days immersing myself in dickensian london to reacquaint myself with some of my favorite characters; i've worked; i've played; i've watched movies; i've taken aimless drives along some of my favorite backroads. i've sought the counsel of some of my better friends.

maybe that's part of the problem. some of my better friends haven't been good friends lately. several weeks ago, one flew in from tennessee for a long weekend; i met her for dinner one night and then again for tea the next morning before her lunch meeting. and everything was fine. it was fine. until she had to broach the subject of what i will do with myself once my parents are no longer here. and i had this godawful panic attack. it was horrible. i had to excuse myself. had to step outside and sit in the sun and pinch my arm until it nearly bled to alleviate the tension in my being. i'm crying right now remembering it.

because i don't know what i will do. i don't know. i don't want to think about it. friends are supposed to lift you up. i don't have that many. and this one, she's always, always been a source of comfort to me. i've always felt so blessed that she should want to call me friend. i know she hadn't meant to upset me. i know she hadn't. i know what brought about the conversation was her concern for her own mother's well-being. and i know she was concerned for mine. i know all this.

i don't know how to talk to people. i've said this before. i can't begin to tell you how much i hate conversing with them. i loathe it. because i'm so awful at it. i would rather not do it at all. and all this stems from a horrible, horrible childhood i can't overcome. i hate that, too. i try. i try so hard, but it can't be done. i make myself go out. i make myself say the words. and then i beat myself senseless for saying the wrong thing. again.

for being the wrong thing. for not playing the stupid, stupid games. i've never understood why they must be played. i'm supposed to be a bitch to the boys i like and sweet to the ones i don't? what the hell is that? it's so rare that i like a guy that i'm excited when i actually meet one i do like. and i like being excited. it's so much better than the alternative.

the other day, i asked another friend to tell me that i'm not nothing because i don't have a man or children and live with my parents and work in retail. to remind me that i'm not nothing. i know i'm not. but i'd forgotten. again. because i am incapable of doing those things that make a woman womanly. of standing. of holding my ground. so she did. she spoke of several of her friends who were married and unhappy. of the fact that some of her happiest friends are single.

you know what sucks? i get to that point where i don't want... just that. i don't want. i'm not ashamed to say it. it's kind of nice being there. i can tolerate that so much better than i can tolerate this. and then some boy will come along and remind me that wanting's not so bad. i'll like that boy; i won't want to be a bitch (and trust me... i'm quite capable of bitch. my mom says i've got the go-to-hell look patented, and i'm sure she's right... i can feel the fury on my face when i unleash that look). i'll be sweet to him. because it's so rare that that's what i want to be. this, of course, isn't want the boy wants. and i'll have to start all over. again.

i'm tired of fighting. i'm tired of having to do this by myself. just once... one time i want a man to fight for me. to fight with me. i want to know what that feels like. not this.

i make myself go out there. and then i come home to this lovely brick house in this lovely neighborhood with all its glorious greenery. i round the corner. i turn onto our street. i pull into the driveway. and i have to pretend to my parents that i'm fine. again.

why i read it: the first time? a man (a literature professor) made me. the second time? another man (some dude i met in a bar) made me, though he would say he did not.