A Family's Love is Forever

     I have a beautiful, healthy, almost 20 year old sister who was born at 26 weeks.  She went through so much as a baby, but looking at her now you would never know it.  My babies would be almost 26 weeks along right now.  They would have made it. They would have had to fight, but they would have been okay. I know it.  But instead, my body failed me and they were born 3 weeks ago, too soon to have a fair chance at life.

     Sometimes I feel like it was yesterday.  I can close my eyes and feel the pain of laboring, the love I felt when they were each born, the heartache I felt holding their limp bodies. Sometimes I feel like this is just a bad dream and I'm going to wake up any moment now.  Sometimes at night I'll put my hands over my stomach, fully expecting to feel my belly, and there's nothing there.  Sometimes I blame myself. Sometimes I blame the doctors.  Sometimes I have happy dreams of what could have been. Sometimes I have sad dreams, reliving things over and over and over. Sometimes I say their names out loud and cry. Sometimes I say their names and smile.  Always, I love and remember my babies.

     Mommy misses you so much Ryker, Tommy, and MaryElizabeth.

     MaryElizabeth Theresa Smolens, our first daughter, was born at 1:37 pm on 6/9/12.  She was our tiniest baby, weighing only 14.1 ounces, but she was a strong little girl. She was the easiest to deliver and she came out kicking her long legs.  The heartbreak I felt when they put her (and the others) on my chest, knowing she had no chance, is impossible to describe.  But the love I felt for my first daughter was immense. 
    
     MaryElizabeth is a name I have wanted to name my first born daughter for years, and I'm sure many of you reading this who know me knew that.  I love the fact that both Michael and I have grandmas named Mary, and I love that my little mini me would have shared a double name with her mommy.  I have been talking about my little M.E. ( or Emme, Emmie, Emmy - I never got a chance to decide how I wanted her nickname spelled) for so long, and knowing I FINALLY had her, only to have her taken away so quickly from me, is so hard to deal with. I had so many plans of what I would do with my daughter while the boys were out doing manly stuff (like painting, cooking dinner, and doing the garden).  We would be getting pedicures, go shopping, and bake.  I would have passed down my beautiful M initial ring and necklace to her.  I would have dressed her up in tutus and put her in dance class (if she wanted, of course).  She would have been one spoiled little princess.  With two older brothers she would have learned to be tough and get dirty, but she would still have been our little girly girl.

     I don't know exactly how long she lived for, but again, it wasn't long enough.  But in her short life, she completed our family and brought us so much happiness.  2 boys and a girl, we had the perfect little family.  She was so petite with long legs, just like her mommy. Unlike her brothers who were dark, so had the whitest, most perfect skin I had ever seen.  She looked like a porcelain doll, so precious.  She went to sleep with her mouth open, just like her big brother Ryker. 

     Her middle name, Theresa, is my Grammy's middle name.  I'm very close to her and thought she would have really liked having one of her great-grandchildren named after her.  I also thought it was cute that her name spelled METS, although my family (Yankee fans) wouldn't be very happy about that!

     Thomas Joseph, our second born son, was born at 1:12 pm on 6/9/12.  He weighed 1 pound 1.5 ounces and was born alive.  When they placed him on my chest I could see his little chest moving up and down and slight movements from his arms and legs.  I don't know exactly how long Tommy lived for, but whatever it was it wasn't enough.  I didn't have long to be with just him because Baby C was ready to come out, but I was able to hold him, kiss him, and tell him I love him. 

     Thomas means twin, and is a name we considered right from the beginning.  I love the nickname Tommy and for years thought of naming my son Tommy after my little brother who was born too early, back in 1991. I know that would have meant a lot to my mom, and it pains me to know that I couldn't give her a Tommy to hold and spoil.    

     Tommy was such a handsome baby, with such a perfectly round head. I loved the way he pouted his lips and I could have kissed those precious little cheeks all day.  I imagine him being a mommy's boy, one who wants to cuddle at night and have stories read to him when he's little, but is the favorite of all the girls in high school. 

     Tommy shares his middle name with his older brother and his daddy.  I can clearly see the 3 of them going to Home Depot together and working around the house.  Michael would have taught his two sons everything he knew, some of which probably wouldn't have made mommy too happy!

     Last year on Father's Day Michael and I went to my parents house and announced at a family BBQ that we were expecting our first baby. I gave Michael a watch for all the time he'd be spending with his first child, and I gave my Dad a Grandpa shirt.  We wore shirts that said I'm Going to be a  Mommy! and I'm Going to be a Daddy!  We were so excited to be expecting a Valentine's Day baby and to finally be announcing the first grand child.  Sadly, one short month later a routine ultrasound showed that little LoveBug's heart had stopped beating.

     This year on Father's Day Michael and I skipped the family BBQ and mourned the loss of our three precious babies, born a week ago.  I had planned to get him a gift from the kids, but I never got the chance.  However, a few days ago the card I ordered him came in. It doesn't really fit now, but I decided to give it to him anyways. 

     Ryker Joseph, our first born son, was born at 7:40 am on 6/9/12.  He weighed 1 pound 2.9 ounces. He was so much bigger than his brother and sister and I honestly thought he would have a chance at life. Even though it was early, doctors were on standby waiting for him to come so they could assess him. Sadly, he was born sleeping. I'll never know when he passed, but I do know that at my last ultrasound the night before I asked for one last look at my baby boy and I could see his little heart beating away and his little body moving across the screen. The doctors printed me one last picture that I will treasure forever.

     Ryker is a name neither one of us ever considered. We don't know anyone else with that name and had never even heard of it being used for a baby. One night Michael and I were looking at names online and I found a site where you put in names you like and it recommends names for you. I believe I put in Tommy and Ethan, and Ryker showed up. Michael immediately liked it because there's a Star Trek character named Riker. At first I was hesitant and didn't want to name a baby from a show I never even watched, but the more we talked about it and said it out loud it really started to fit his personality. And we got the name from a baby name website first, not just from the show.

     Ryker means strong, a powerful ruler.  Good qualities for our first born.  Ryker was always our biggest baby, consistently measuring a week ahead of his siblings. He was our strongest, and the name seemed to just fit. We imagined him growing up a tough boy, protecting his little brother and sister. That's what the oldest does, and Ryker would have been a tough, but loving brother. He would have made his mommy and daddy proud.

     Ryker's middle name, Joseph, comes from his daddy.  Michael's middle name is Joseph, and I love the fact that my 3 boys (Ryker, Tommy, and Michael) all have the same middle name.

     The morning after I delivered I woke up to a beautiful sight: my 3 babies sleeping in a bassinet next to me.  I woke up very early and while Michael slept I was able to spend a full hour with each baby one on one.  I was able to cuddle with them, and kiss their sweet little cheeks, and hold their precious little hands, and show them how much I love them. 

     I would do anything for just one more minute with them.

     It is with much love and sadness that Michael and I announce the birth and death of our 3 beautiful children on June 9, 2012.

Baby A:  Ryker Joseph Smolens
Baby B:  Thomas Joseph Smolens
Baby C:  MaryElizabeth Theresa Smolens

     We are taking the week off together to heal both physically and emotionally.  We both thank everyone that has called and e-mailed us. We're not quite ready to talk about it yet, but we will be soon. These 3 are our children and we don't want them to be forgotten. Right now it's just too difficult though, but we appreciate your thoughts and prayers and will get back to you soon.

Quick post from my hospital bed, where I'll be hanging upside down for the duration of the pregnancy.

Good news: babies all look
Great.

Bad news: I am dilated 2 cm and baby a's membranes are poking through.

I'm doing all that I can and am trying to remain optimistic, but we are in a very delicate spot. Keep us all in your prayers.

     I had my follow up appointment with my doctor today, and unfortunately, my cervix did go from a a 3.7 to a 1.5 over the weekend, not the news I was hoping to hear. But the babies all have good fluid levels, are growing as expected, and as of right now seem unaffected by what my body is doing. I had a cerclage (preventive) placed around 14 weeks, and boy am I so happy I decided to go ahead with it. My doctor said that if I didn't have that I probably would have delivered my trio this weekend, at barely 22 weeks. I can't even think about that.....

          So for now, I'm on strict bed rest with my pelvis elevated. I'm allowed to get up to use the bathroom and to shower quickly, but that's about it. I'll go back in a week for a re-measurement and we'll take it from there. There's really not any more room for it to go down, as it's just about at the stitch. So I'm taking the doctors orders very seriously and won't be doing a single think until I go back to the doctor. I'm hoping it increases, even if just a little, for some peace of mind.

     It's really Baby Boy A's fault. His head is sooo low, practically right at the stitch. And there's no reason for it, because his brother and sister aren't anywhere near him and he has plenty of room to move up. He's being stubborn. When they were doing the ultrasound they were literally on my pelvic bone trying to get a good look at him. I didn't even realize they could hang out that low, and now I have to hope that as he gets bigger my stitch holds.

     I'm feeling okay. Nervous, but having faith that I can do this. Only 13 more days until viability...I can do it!!! Not that I want them born anywhere near that...but I need a short goal, and that's the first one I'm working towards. I'm extremely uncomfortable, everything hurts. I am lying on my left side and have a nice supply of books, magazines, my phone, and my laptop, so I'm entertained. Laying on one side though, even after only 2 days, is giving me some new aches and pains. But I can deal with it. I'll do anything I can to give these babies the best possible chance I can.

          Well, 22 weeks did not start off too good. I hadn’t been feeling good all week and began having Braxton Hicks (I think) contractions, so I decided to call my doctor this morning. I really thought he’d tell me the pressure was normal, or maybe to come in to get checked out, but instead he sent me right to the hospital.  They hooked me right up to contraction monitors and said that I was definitely showing irritability, but not full contractions, which is good.  Fortunately, once I rested on my left side it got better. Unfortunately, a painful exam showed that my cervix has shorted, which isn’t a good thing. It was hard for them to get an exact measurement, so my doctor said I could go home on strict bed rest (I’m not even allowed to sit up) as long as I came in for a re-measurement tomorrow. I guess the results from tomorrow’s exam will tell me where we go from here.  Best case scenario he sends me home and tells me to continue with modified bed rest. Worst case scenario they admit me.  I’m obviously hoping for the first.  I have a feeling tonight is going to be a long night.

How Far Along: 22 weeks!

     I am so, so glad to be pregnant and I will do absolutely anything in my power to keep these babies in as long as possible.    To be honest though, this is so much harder than I thought it would be. I'm just about 22 weeks, so I still have a while to go yet.  I thought going out of work would help, and in a way it did. I'm not as physically exhausted and I'm not having those horrible back spasms anymore. But in just the last few days I've been feeling so much worse.  Everything hurts.  Every movement makes me grunt in pain.  I can't even stand for very long, or I feel so much pressure and pain.  I've pretty much spent the last 3 days in bed. I guess this is why my doctor put me on bed rest, he knew it was coming.  He kept telling me it would get worse, but I didn't imagine I'd be this uncomfortable so soon.  I go back and forth from thinking I'm about to go into pre-term labor and something is wrong to this is normal and I can deal with it.  And I really can deal with it, it's not that bad. I'm starting to learn the positions that give me the most relief, and when I'm in a good position I feel so much better and more optimistic. I think the babies have just had a huge growth spurt this week (yay!), and my body needs to learn to adjust.  And I need to learn to take it easy, which I'm starting to do more of.  Michael finally finished the nursery today and I am just dying to go in and start setting up their closet, but I'm going to wait because I can tell my body needs to lay down right now.  Thank goodness for my laptop or I'd be going stir crazy!  I also have lots of books to read on raising triplets, so I guess it will be nice to have some down time to catch up on those.  Only 3 more months, I can do this!

P.S. Michael's going back to work tomorrow, so if you are bored and want to come visit me I'll make some room on the couch for you!

This is late (sorry!), and is from my doctor appointment this past Thursday.    
   
 :) I am happy to report that I have finally reached the stage where my doctor appointments are boring!  They're still exciting to me in the fact that I get to see my three babies, but they're boring in the fact that I get the same news every time: you are doing great, babies look great, just keep resting.

     I read a bunch of pregnancy blogs, and they all report on the length of their cervix. I have no idea what mine is, so I decided to ask the doctor to measure it. I knew it could be done with an ultrasound, so I wasn't worried about it hurting or anything. Boy was I wrong!  He kept pushing soooo hard to get that measurement for what seemed like forever. Finally he said it's fine, at a 3.7.  It could be higher, but he said he wasn't concerned at all so I'll take that.

     Unfortunately, the ultrasound machine wasn't working too well that day so they pictures aren't the greatest.  Don't ask me who is who, I have no idea. In fact, Michael and I are so confused on which is Baby B and which is Baby C that we stopped asking for clarification.  My doctor and the ultrasound tech didn't agree on which baby was which, and as soon as he left the room she explained it to us, and said he also mixed up another triplet mom just that day. Hm...not exactly what I wanted to hear. But she confirmed that there are 2 boys and 1 girl, so as long as that isn't changing I guess it really doesn't matter.  When they got to the girl I'm like, B or C? They each said something different. So who knows!  But the babies look good, have continued to grow, and are almost a pound each.