the subway is a rollercoaster that takes you to work.

I came up with a title for my show.

So effing tired. She kept us until midnight last night. Once we ran it all together I realized I only have one break for the length of one scene at the very beginning of the show. It's kind of draining. The quick changes are a pain in the ass. Oh, I'm so delicate. whawhawha.

We got christmas cards from my peace corps friend's english class. It has made my week.
"Even though I don't know you, I congratulate you on this special day."
"I wish you [to be] healthy and wealthy, and may all your dreams come true."
Their handwriting is amazingly precise. More than one of them decorated their cards with one of the seven dwarfs. One added a Rambo sticker to the inside. How could you not love that? They are writing in our language in our alphabet, some of them in cursive. That blows me away. Seven years of french and I can barely convert etre.

I'm going to bed early tonight.

A Very Crunchy 2002 Wrap-up

The Year in Entertainment
movies:
The Two Towers and Punch Drunk Love were the only movies I can remember liking for the past 365.
television:
I pretty much stopped watching television altogether over the summer. I got into the west wing a little, and of course I enjoy smallville and 24, but only socially.
theatre:
I saw a lot of plays. damn lot. The one I enjoyed the most was called Penumbra.
I was in Macbeth at the Shakespeare festival, and a radio play thing that we won't talk about.
music:
I got into everything new thanks to experimenting and going on suggestions of friends/my punkass brother. The Mountain Goats have gotten heavy play in my house, and I have passed the love on to a few friends. Celtic rock is having a renaissance in my walkman as well.
comedy:
I haven't done very much, but I wrote a lot and began to find my voice. I discovered and fell deeply in love with Mr. Show. (see also: The Year in Crushes)
literature:
This was the year of the autobiographical essay. My favorite was David Sedaris's "Me Talk Pretty One Day". (new years resolution- read more)
travel:
I spent a weekend in Indianapolis (for the star wars convention) and a week in NY. (n.y.r.- travel more)

The Year in Discoveries:
I found out I could join a gym and stick with it.
I can choose my friends, and I don't have to like everybody. Not everybody is going to like me either.
I dosen't matter how many times you say the word "breast", it never quite loses it's impact.
I can almost have a healthy body image. I still have things I need to let go, but it's ok to be/dress/act like myself.
I still can't drive.
I'm not ready for marriage.
I'm very, very strong and almost never cold.

A Wee Look at the Things-Lately That Were
(Thing-lately is defined by a crush on an actor, a song and a food that all seem to be my thing for a period of time. During this period I get into new things or rediscover stuff I've always loved. I don't know why it works out that way, I don't do it on purpose. Have I thought about it too much? Yes, I have. Would I like your psychological evaluation? Mmm, I probably don't want to know right now, but that's awfully nice of you. It's how I operate, and I've grown to dig it.)

January-July
Michael Rosenbaum, Bjork's-possibly/maybe, hazelnut coffee.
all things relating to superman, vocal work.
August-November
David Cross, the Mountain Goats-Going to Utrect, grilled cheese sandwiches.
independent music, performance/writing quality in general, hooded sweatshirts.
December
Billy Boyd, The Real McKenzies-Wild Cattieyote, sour peach rings.
acting, all things scottish, Tolkien

Sorry if this is far too long and boring, but I am keeping it as a record for myself mostly. I'll probably edit and add to it.
I'd love to hear yours as well, people. ;)

I watched Reign of Fire this morning. I don't see what everyone was complaining about. I kind of liked it. It was fun. And almost completely devoid of the American Military Heroics bullshit that most movies like that hang their hats on. Hat's on? What am I talking about? Where's my chicken on a stick?

I also enjoyed Haiku Tunnel. It had a lot of nice little moments, and it was about being a secretary. I'm going to watch Amadeus now and wipe the salt off of this margarita. Aye!

For my piece in the show I picked "Make it Funky" to start and I finish with ""Wild Cattieyote", which is so gorgeous I hated parting with the cd this evening. None of you are going to make it, so just play these songs and imagine me being sarcastic for four minutes.
Isn't that nice?

So sick to the stomach. Soupy and ropy, like too much pate and gin.

We did promo shots for the next show I'm in after this one. It was hilarious. I had a huge pregnancy pad, tons of crazy makeup on, and a huge jewelled and sequined purple top. It's going to look so funny. They had to take a neutral headshot of me too because I ran out of my "good" ones and haven't gotten around to getting new ones. I hate getting my picture taken. Hate it. They should never show me the display screen after they do it, it just makes me want to cry and kick things over Godzilla-style. I guess I have a slightly warped self image, but I don't understand how I could be too far off the mark.
Our director for Escaping the Box didn't show up again. Yeah. People have stuff to work out sometimes. S'ok.


Elijah tears me up into six pieces of varying sizes.
I want to watch fellowship of the ring again. Is that bad?

Ok, this is driving me crazy and I need your help. If you go here and click on his eyes you get a hidden surprise. I found another one on his bio page (click inside the "D") and another on the credits page. I think there might be hidden pictures on every page, and I've become obsessed with finding them all, even though I'm not even sure if there are anymore than the three I've found. I need help. Like, mentally.

friday 5:
1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year? Getting into shows. Even though it was just two this year and one that opens after the first of next year, it was a big deal for me to breakthrough and get back into it after conservatory. That and keeping last year's resolution. (to make working out a bigger part of my day to day.)

2. What was your biggest disappointment? Not saving up the money I needed to in order to move to the city. The relationship wig out and subsequent uncertainty was unexpected and continues to be pretty painful.

3. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions? To work on my show and to continue to write everyday. I quit smoking, so I'm going to pretend that was a resolution even though I started it before christmas.

4. Where will you be at midnight? Haven't made plans yet. Hopefully indoors. Do you wish you could be somewhere else? There's so much build up to it that wherever you are you always wish you were at a bigger party.

5. Aside from (possibly) staying up late, do you have any other New Year's traditions? My niece was born at 12:01 new years day, so I call her after midnight to wish her a happy birthday.

Spent the day feeling drugged. It's a good thing I'm not into drugs because this is annoying.
I took a half day because the phone rang three times in four hours and two were wrong numbers. Slight exaggeration, but emotionally accurate.

I smell like Mighty Taco. I have nothing to say.
I don't dig myself lately. What's up with that? I thought I was over that after high school. It's got to be seasonal. I'll get over it again soon enough.

From now on, christmas gifts should only be purchased for people under the age of 13. My niece and nephew are hilarious and there's is nothing I want more than to watch them open something awesome and shout, "shta waws!" "shpiderman!"

That said . . .
I got a lot of cds today.
um.
Sloan-Smeared
The Odds-Good Weird Feeling (a promo copy?)
Moxy Fruvous- Live Noise (not here yet)
Burned from my brother Jay's collection:
The Flashing Lights-Where the Change Is,
Sloan-Between the Bridges,
The Donnas and 3 MxPx albums, 2 bands with which I am not familiar.
From the large mammal with whom I live a lie:
the Mountain Goats-All Hail West Texas! and The Coroner's Gambit.
from Alex and Jess:
Nick Drake-Time of No Reply
the Mountain Goats-Tallahasse. (a promise to burn their copy for me.)

13 cds. Getting a person's musical taste right is a delicate thing. It is an absolute embarassment of riches and way more than I deserve.

I am jealous of him being jealous of them. I've heard of the Tractenberg Family Slide Show before, but I have no idea where.

I've blogged too much. That'll be it for a few days.

We just got an email from my friend in Uzbekistan that made me want to delete my spoiled girl humbug post down there, but I won't. as penance.

Looking at a picture of him with his class:
Me: he looks like he lost some weight.
Girl at work: Yeah. Oh, look at the girls. They're still wearing square-toed shoes over there.
Me: . . .yeah. (and they also shit in holes in the ground. and there's a garbage dump at the entrance to their school. And their subscriptions to Vanity Fair show up, like, weeks late. wtf?)

I plan on aging a year over the next two days. Tonight and tomorrow are going to be about driving between Orchard Park, Cheektowaga and North Buffalo for two hour stints each day and not sleeping at home. And eating. I'm nauseated thinking about it. This is where gift giving came from. Christmas became such a chafe they had to build in the gift-giving device so that people would be more apt to actually show up to all of their obligations.
I'm lucky I have a place to go, though. I'm aware of that at all times, believe me. If I could donate my places to go to people who are spending this christmas alone I would. If I could bring somebody along with me it would be better. My family is actually great. Really nice and really fun and funny as hell when you get down to it.

Rehearsal last night was great and strange. All of the female cast members are in a short one act and last night for the run-through we laughed from beginning to end. Everybody had huge, huge belly laughs on stage and off. Chemistry girl and I are finding and creating little moments where there are any jokes. We met two weeks ago and we already have complete trust and synchronicity.
I actually have something going on in my sad scene now. I think I've got a little bit of a handle on the depth of the situation. I'm close. I'll never do it justice, but I think I'm pretty well cast and I intend to do whatever it takes to make it work.
We cut the night short because it was too cold in the rehearsal space to work anymore. Gritty. Cardboard on the windows gritty.
Emotional breakdowns.
Belly laughs.
Lovin it.

Look! Did you see who did the music? Just a fun fact to know and tell.

I have half of tomorrow and wednesday off. I guess that's ok. I'm in the hole for paid time off as it is. At this rate I'll be owing them money. I miss the days when I'd get a ton of books for christmas and I would spend every lazy day of my vacation curled up in a corner somewhere. That's what every christmas night is to me, wearing a cozy new something and tucking in to a sleepless night with a new book. My aunt always used to give me crazy and obscure young adult novels for christmas that I would always read right away.
I get an unexplained weepiness when I'm in that section of the store now. I started buying weird, non-mainstream books for my niece.
Everything is grand yet uneasy.
Everything is bland and cheesy.

A girl from the play (with whom I have so much stage chemistry it's unnerving) called me seven times last night and left seven messages on my voicemail, cable guy style.

Todd asked me the other day if I needed therapy.
I didn't think I did, but when somebody asks you if you need something it makes you think maybe you do. I don't know about need. I don't know about anything.

The director is going to let me pick a song to play before and after the monologue I wrote for this show. (yeeha!) I want to say "fun" and"hip" and I don't want it to be something everyone's already heard. We end the act with it, so we have to send people into the lobby for boxed wine with a spring in their collective step.

Here's what I'm thinking of so far (of albums that I have):
The Clash- "Lost in a Supermarket" (for the lyrics)
Flogging Molly- "London Girl" (for the accordian)
James Brown- "Make it Funky" (for the funky)

This is tougher than I thought it would be and just as fun.
yahaha.

Mama like.

Have you ever gotten the feeling that Scotland was calling you home? But you've never been to Scotland? And you're not Scottish?

I completely effed up my back for no good reason. I don't even know how I did it, but you can be sure it wasn't while I was doing anything fun. I can't walk right and last night I couldn't turn over in bed. I'm such an old lady. Get me my bromo, dear. And a roll with chutney.

Dave is on his way to Homer and then to Dublin.
:)
( :( )

I'm supposed to go to a cast party around eleven. I do not want to go. I haven't been home before 1am in a week. I want to spend the next 12 hours on the poor, neglected couch.

The office christmas party was really fun, and there's not much more that can be said about it. Everyone I work with now thinks I'm dating Tracey, which is fine by me. Not only do I have a girlcrush on her, but she was probably the best date I've ever had.
That's making me wistful.

I'm bugged by a concept of people trying to write their last words, that is, the words they are going to say on their death bed, in an academically vain way. The thing that's bugging me is I can't remember if that's from something I've read or watched on TV or if I've come up with it on my own. It's sad that half of my "original" ideas are just evidence of failed memory. It's even sadder that my imagination is all I have and it's on the permanent fritz.
I am also bothered by the fact that I can't think of the right word for "academically vain". If you've got it, lay it on me.

I feel anaesthetized and I crave baked potato.
I got the part in the play. It opens end of January. I get a pregnancy pad and a Brooklyn accent. I'm one happy actor.

Come and get your love anyway even if the hat isn't on.

RE: my last entry.
This time every year my desk becomes a depository for inspirational calendars bearing the logos for printing houses and tile manufacturers. Want one?
You know, angels can fly, but the rest of us just have to wing it!

I finished my shopping and bought something to wear for the office christmas party. (I call them my "drinkin' pants") I plan on being draped in black velvet for four hours, then I will give the outfit to my sister in law. It took less than three hours and the entire process was almost completely anger-free!

I saw The Two Towers again. ("Was Jules there?" "Yes. I think I'm insane." "I know you are.") It was Twice as good. I forgot to ask someone to clarify which two towers we were talking about exactly, but no matter.
I want a whole movie wth just Treebeard, Merry and Pippin. What will it take to make that happen?

Hi, I'm a grownup, in case my behavior lately has been throwing anyone off.

In other news, I've been asked to read for an upcoming show at the theatre I'm working out of now. This place in particular specializes in new plays and young playwrights, so it might be cool to play a character that's never been done before. Plus, the playwrights tend to be open to changes here and there, and I love being that close to the writing process. This one is a comedy, which shouldn't be too hard for me to mess up. And also too plus, it's a good sized role on a (what I'd guess you would call) professional stage.
Kind of exciting, I say.

Fact:
December 19th, 2002. I'm in Buffalo, NY and it's like, 60 degrees out.
Fact:
Judging from the looks on the bank tellers faces, buying Euros is a royal asspain.
Fact:
Life is Grand. Truly truly grand.


Oh, and I found October. It was in between September and November.

I'm going to write a review and call it, "The Night The Two Towers Took Me to the Sock Hop"
I'm exhausted and incoherent.
It was beautiful. It was exhausting. I am completely in love with all things middle-earth. I swoon for hobbits.

One of our friends bumped into some of her high school students at the movie. She was dressed up like Galadriel. They stared, she smiled, they did double takes, she adjusted her headpiece. It was all very moving.

I have my tickets to the midnight show.

Um. I know, I know.
Don't pick on me, I'm very delicate.
::sigh::

At least once a day I have to stop myself from saying, "God, what smells so bad in here all of the sudden?" when I realize someone has just walked in with his or her lunch.

A post-it memo on my computer:
"If you eat too much junk, you will make yourself sick."

How did that self-adhesive note get so smart?
:/

I watched The Fellowship again last night. (seven) Sam in the boat at the end gets me every single time.

It's snowing. It's so so so so so so very pretty.

I got in a fight on Friday, but I don't think the guy I'm in a fight with knows we're in a fight. I think next time I see him I'll have to tell him. We were hanging out at a bar having a lovely time when he stormed in and was all overt rudeness, negativity and pushy-push. (him:"where's your phone. let's call so and so." me: (hand him phone) him: oh, you want me to do it??Me: wtf?)
Am I wrong to be put off by random rudeness? Not to mention the fact that he stole my lamp? I think I'm justified. It's nice to be justified in my anger once in a while. It takes so much for me to get mad at somebody that by the time something bad enough happens to make me mad I don't want an apology, I just want him or her to leave me alone for the rest of my life.

I feel a new crush coming on, and you know what? i'm not having it. I am going to forcibly stop myself from having this crush. I have been straddled and bitchslapped by unrequited love every moment of my life since 1978 and I'm not going to take it anymore.

I think I am staying in tonight. I need to either eat something or get into a fistfight.
Explain this feeling . . . ?

Rehearsal this morning was cool and fun and vaguely depressing. I'm doing a lot of different pieces, and all of them are fun to do and funny to watch. Except there's one dramatic piece where I'm a really sad older lady and I have to be really not funny and the subject matter is pretty provocative, but in a way that makes me not want to tell my parents I'm in a show. Do you get what I mean? Was that clandestine enough for you? So it's tough, and a challenge, which is what I want out of every experience anyway.

I'm staying in tonight. Partly out of poverty, but also I think I might be allergic to my jeans.

oh, shit. That sucked.

I am a Magician.
I found things that didn't exist and made photocopies of those things. I made a statement from October jump into the wrong file. I used mind control on the mailman. I do this without a degree in business or a Magician's lisence.

Can that be right? Five days? It's too good.

My friend who has been battling an endless stream of bad news and hard times fell ass backwards yesterday into a giant wad of money. It truly is a Christmas miracle! Obviously, money isn't going to make it all go away, but at least she can breathe a little.

I'm going to lunch.

POOF!!!!!

Am I the only one ready for another turkey dinner?

I messed up my right leg working out on monday and then I worked out on it last night. genius. I have the ever so mild limp. I've been getting the occasional nosebleed as well due to the arid climate of my apartment.
Conclusion: I'm fucking hot.

Well, he leaves them there, and I try to give them to him the next day and he doesn't want to carry them all the way back to his truck. So I've built a little house out of them. With lots of closet space. more of a fort, really. a space fort.

link from metafilter

There's something about talking to a guy about your retirement, power of attorney, beneficiaries and living wills that just makes you want to put your head on his shoulder. "Hi, we've just met. Here is your future and your mortality and some forms to fill out."

Now that's the sugar.

I started rehearsals. They are fun times. There's one girl in the show who's so funny she and I can't make eye contact during our scenes or we'll get gigglefits. What I love about it the most is that we rehearse in a wear-your-hat-and-scarf-and-gloves cold, dirty room with folding chairs and plaster falling off the walls in huge chunks. It's like a post-apocalyptic police interrogation room. I wish someone would make a documentary about it. I feel so gritty.
Mmmm . . .sipowitz-alicious.

He's going to Dublin in three weeks!
Jesus, that happens? That really happens? You play a role at a mid-sized theatre in Buffalo, and someone praises you to someone else, and suddenly you're flying across the ocean to be a full time actor? It's like a plot contrivance on an hour long drama when an actor gets pregnant.
"Somebody saw her in that community production of Our Town! She's going to Dublin for three months!!"
It's amazing to me. I am agape. I'm going to take credit for convincing him to go. I told him, no matter what money he can make working at his awful job here from January to March, the life experience of just going abroad will be worth so much more than he can measure.
Let the jokes about being paid in "pots o'gold" commence.

I'm happy, until I realize he's going to Dublin.


You see, Dublin is really far away.
:(

Stranger at the mall to Dave's girlfriend's roomate:
"Did you dye your hair for Halloween?"

Dave's comeback, three hours later:
"No, did you dye your face for St. Dickhead's day?"


He is waiting to find out if a theatre in Dublin is going to fly him out to take over as Chief Bromden for the rest of their run.
Ahem. Dublin.
I'm going to visit him and never come back.

I spent yesterday with the LOTR dvds. Lovely. Watched the actors commentary, fell asleep to documentaries. (not that they were boring, i were sleepy.) Almost makes me want to read the book.
It's really kind of beautiful the way everyone speaks about Tolkien with such reverence, and they all were so close to the source material. I was also really touched by the connections the actors made with each other. It's worth a look if you have 18 hours to kill.

The only solid food I've had in twenty four hours? Sour peach rings and doritos. That's not counting the bite of pizza I had for lunch yesterday that tasted like it made with some kind of cleaning fluid. Gross.

My friend bumped into Ani DiFranco leaving a restaurant last night. She's totally psyched about it, she lurrrves ani. As do we all. She really deserved that moment of happy distraction, too.

Now excuse me while I go enjoy my fifth and sixth hot cocoas of the day in the same mug.

It seems kind of weird that I remember his birthday and not the day he died. He would have been 28 today, if I remember correctly. I remember, because I hadn't gotten him anything. I was absorbed in my role of "chorus" in some musical; all wrapped up in my stupid little life. My friends went out and got him cards and put them in his casket. I couldn't do that for whatever reason. Maybe I thought it was morbid. I don't know. I cried so hard I blacked out on more than one occasion. I vowed I would never, ever feel better and that I would never ever have fun again. I didn't want to think about anything else. I didn't want to stop crying because that awful feeling was all I had connecting me to him.
He's still seventeen in my mind. Seventeen with a perfect smile. He deserves a better tribute than this, I guess, but it's all I've got.

Get in my pocket.

None of these items have anything to do with anything, I just can't think more than two sentences at a time today.

I have 'papa don't preach' stuck in my head. Thanks, Kelly Osbourne.

I contributed two vacuum packs of tuna fish and a copy of "Take the Cannoli" to a care package we're sending to our friends in the peace corps. They're land locked and don't get much fish, and don't have a lot of reading material.

I took a step class and later tonight I'm going over to my friend's house to watch Lex Luthor host a Lord of the Rings special on WB. I have a small, simple life.

These peach rings are regular, not sour. What is the point of that, I ask you?

Sarah sent me a copy of Sonic Youth's Murray Street. What is awesomer?

"I wonder who owns that moon."

The more I learn, the more I realize we didn't elect satan into the white house, we elected Pat Robertson with a Lex Luthor aftertaste.

[edited to add: the bad kind of lex luthor, not the cute wb version, of course.]

Everybody around here gets this really angry look of betrayal whenever it snows. Where the hell do you think you've been living all summer? St. Thomas? We live next to a lake, people.

Did I mention my dad bought me a winter coat? Weird as hell. It's kind of nice, too. It's just a black puffy thing, very simple. I thought it was cute and weird. I think he talked to the girls at work to find out what was in style. It's my christmas present, but I get to wear it now.

I watched The Last Temptation of Christ last night. It was good. I like any and all christ imagery and superman imagery. It can be argued that it's the same thing, but I'm nowhere near intellectual enough to support my point. (that's not true, it's more of a time issue. I'm at work so I don't have time to show you that I'm not smart enough to support any of my arguments.)

Once I try opening my mind to new things, like politics for example, I become overwhelmed by how much I really don't know. I don't really know a lot about anything. That's pretty sad. I'm trying to learn as much as I can about the Homeland Security Bill, because it's sounds like american citizens are getting fucked over in a brand new way and I want to do something about it. Of course, the more I talk about something I don't understand, the dumber I sound. Like, totally fer real to the max, dood.
I know a lot about christianity and improv. Two things I can no longer stand. I know a lot about Newsradio, the sitcom, not the broadcast medium. What a waste of brain space. At least I still like Newsradio.