the subway is a rollercoaster that takes you to work.

New Year's Resolutions:

Lose a million pounds.
Make the content of this awesomely designed blog less lame.
Wear nicer clothes.
Write down things I need to remember, instead of just trusting that if it's important, I'll remember.
Eat more vegetables.
Have stronger opinions.
Buy a real camera, take real pictures.
Moisturize.

I'm in the office today. It's . . . .slow. Sigh.

I stole this from Tavie who got it from beth.
:)

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Moved away from my family.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Well, Kind of. I promised I would move to new york before I turned thirty, which I did. So, yeah. Yes, I will make more this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Please. My cousin's wife is preggers with her seventh.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Both grandfathers.

5. What countries did you visit?
Um. Connecticut.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Health insurance and an agent.

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 26th, the day I moved.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
All of these are going to be about moving, but I guess making myself part of the comedy community, making new friends, and getting on some teams were all pretty huge.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Creeping debt. Not keeping close touch with my family.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I threw my back out over the summer. That sucked.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Does my apartment count? I didn't buy it. I don't know.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My friends, for their generous friendship in light of me taking off on them. And my new friends, who surprise me everyday in how awesome and kind they can be. And other friends who still consider me a friend even though I almost never call.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
My own.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Lunches.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Performing, performers.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
"I Don't Believe You" The Magnetic Fields
All modest mouse.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier, no doubt.
b) thinner or fatter? slightly thinner, but not noticibly so.
c) richer or poorer? About the same.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Gettin' healthy.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Spending money.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent morning and afternoon with the bf's family, nighttime with my family opening gifts and being crazy. Then spent the late night with my brother and his wife watching The Office episodes back to back.

21. How will you be spending New Years?
At a small house party.

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
I was in love for all of 2004.

23. How many one-night stands?
Zero.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
There is one person who hasn't treated me very well, but I think hate is a strong word.

26. What was the best book you read?
To Kill a Mockingbird. Yes, I only just read it this summer.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Magnetic Fields, The Apples in Stereo

28. What did you want and get?
iPod, a modest mouse teeshirt.

29. What did you want and not get?
I got everything I wanted and then some.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Shaolin Soccer. It doesn't hold up as well on the small screen, but trust me, in the theater I was blown away.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Small house party at Tracey's. The big 3-0mygoodness.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
to have turned 25 instead. To lose 100 pounds. this question is too general.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
"Barely trying"

34. What kept you sane?
My cell phone.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I only fancy real people lately, for some reason.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The gay marriage thing.

37. Who did you miss?
Everybody.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Michele and all my G-friends.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
Follow the fear.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"All the spilt milk, sex and weight, it all will fall, fall right into place." mm-Gravity rides everything.

All the cool kids are doing the FireFox thing. Maybe it's time for Sarie to get on the bus.

I have done my brain, my body, and my relationship the disservice of agreeing to be in no less than six projects "after the holidays". Thankfully, two of them are one day a week things (no rehearsals) and at least two are going to have to wait, or go on without me. I so wish I didn't have a day job. I feel guilty leaving my bf by himself at night. It feels so wrong.

On the subway yesterday, there was a college age girl singing carols and walking around with a cup. She said, "I'm a student here in new york and I need some money to get home to see my family". God. Shut up. She was in those those hideous Puma boots you wouldn't be caught dead wearing unless you had spent a fortune on them. Charming. Here's a nickel. Enjoy Muncie.

This is one of those things that makes me realize how much I love a good shitstorm. That makes me feel like I should be a better person than I am. I think I just like when smart people hand out verbal bitchslaps.

I called in late to work and slept for an extra hour. That alone made me feel like a million dollars. I also got free pizza, and my hair looks nice. This means the show I do tonight will be horrible. That's how my brain works. We'll see if I'm right, though.

Also, I understand the ipod. First, you fill it wil your favorite songs. Then, when you hit "shuffle" and every song is a song that you like. That is a beautiful thing.

I called my mom to find out what my niece wanted for christmas, and I found out my grandfather died. A week ago. They buried him last Friday. Nobody wanted to tell me. That actually happened.
So there's that, too.

I've just been asked to join an ensemble at the pit, which is weird, because it's one of those things that I set out to do, and I actually accomplished it. Rare. So there's that.

I start a new class tonight. I had three things happening simultaneously this evening and now I can do none of them because I and my brother, his wife, my boyfriend and a close frined of ours all wanted to take a class from one of the best improvisers in the city.
I am missing:
a holiday party (the girl throwing it is done with my unimpressive friendship, i'm sure. this is the second time I've had to blow her off)
my other friend's birthday party (going to try to go late. try try try. will be sleepy.) and a sketch group at an unnamed variety show that I really wanted to see. It's all material I've seen a million times before, but I like it. Also, I've been busy every wednesday since august, and I really want to go to this variety show. (it rhymes with 'shwash blendsday'.) (I'm an idiot. I just don't want anybody finding this page. not that it matters.)(anyway.)
So I do none of it. This is so boring. I'm so sorry. I will be babbling about the class later, so you can look forward to skimming over that entry.

I tried to send my friend a barbie phone call, but she either didn't accept it or it went to her voicemail. if I wanted to resend it, it would have cost me 99 cents. Well, f that.

Oh, guess how many christmas presents I've purchased?
If you said zero, you get a prize. (Except there is no prize because I haven't bought anything yet.) yikes.

Sometimes there's no art to this. Most of the time it's just: "Hi. I have internet access."

Watch it burn

I don't have much to say except listen to "And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out" by Yo La Tengo. Especially tracks 2 and 4. Ex-specially them two. Come on, Rhapsodaisies.

I made a monkey snowflake.

And then I made one with ninjas.

welcome to my brainhead.

I think I might go around the office secretly breaking things.
I slept this many hours last night.
I love and hate everything.
Look at this snowflake I made.
It's hard to pretend you're not eating a hersey's kiss on the phone.
Paper cutz rule!
Sometimes the vending machine is out of ginger ale and that's just how it is.
A vitamin E stick is a girl's best friend.
These pants are the greatest seven dollars I ever spent.
One time I asked for bangs and she said no.
When my mom would get stressed at work, she'd come home loopy and sing toothpaste commercials.
I have a unique understanding of copy machines.
I like this: ~
The sheets on my bed are softer in the morning than they are at night.

What am I going to do when this show is over? I'm seriously worried.
We have a pickup rehearsal tonight where we have to "work on our blow lines" and "put in more jokes". Well, fuck. We have to make it funny now?

Did I ever tell you about the janitors at my old-old job? They used to follow me around and call me "chicken". If we were ordering food they'd say "Get me a piece'a'chicken, Naw, TWO pieces, hwah hwah."
It made me feel like a delicate flower.

I have Modest Mouse and the songs from the show in constant rotation in my head. I can barely stand it.

"we were done-done-done with all the fuck-fuck-fuckin around . . . "

Pretty sick of it. I might go buy something new after work. We'll see.

This is the only song I know by these guys. I have this album somewhere. Anyway. I like this.

"This Will Be Laughing Week"
Ultimate Fakebook.


Step up to the stage, kids - and don't retreat
from this Carnival of Volume
I know that you're red-eyed and bloodshot-beat
ya just can't lick that all day frown
And now you're rollercoaster sick and drinkin' lemonade
Well, listen up!

On Sunday the tears were fallin'
and trickling down your cheeks,
But yesterday's cares are no big deal
Cuz this will be laughing week
This will be laughing week

They won't let us in now cuz we're all freaks
So grab your magic cartoon costumes
And then clap your hands and just stomp your feet
and let this medicine buzz on and on
Like carousels in stereo, and don't jump off
no, don't jump off

On Sunday the tears were fallin'
and trickling down our cheeks
But yesterday's cares are no big deal
Cuz this will be laughing week
This will be laughing week

Everyone's a building burning with no one to put the fire out.

I spent 12 hours at the theater yesterday. It was great and exhausting. I'm in love with it all. I won't bore you with it, but it was a good show and it all went really well. Now I do the collapsing part.

I'm going to the slope tonight to work on the toon. I hope it's good. It will be. V's a perfectionist, I am the opposite, somewhere in between will be a good little moment of animated something or other.

Monday night we worked on the animated short. The only chance this thing has is V, because he's good at things, and I am not. I know how the whole thing will shake out. Everything about it will be great except the writing and the females' voices. (things that I did.)

We're not going to talk about the tree-lighting at Rockefeller Center.

Also, I signed up for a be-a-santa program with my friend (actually ,she signed up to buy gifts for four kids, and then realized it was going to be pretty expensive, so I took one of them. Meta-charity.) and because I didn't have any time, Todd ran out and got the gifts for me. I don't think he'll ever quite understand why he had to buy a gba sp for some kid we'll never meet.
"It's because we're generous. Now go buy him a game to go with it."
My friend actually got a pair of brothers and bought them a ps2. And she gave a guitar she had around that she never used to another friend to give as a gift. Can you imagine that little kid's face on christmas morning? Aw. Happy.

You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye.
When the earth folded on itself

I loved modest mouse. I almost converted a few more to my side on the long drive home from b-lo, but the marathon that is the moon and antarctica lost them halfway through. Still, the first three songs are the best I've ever heard. On the subway I've been skipping straight to "Wild packs of family dogs" because I'm like that. Lonesome Crowded West is my current favorite.

Anyway.

I went home for x-giving. It was nice, and restful and weird. I'm still nervous around my family.
Things I learned this thanksgiving:
My ten-year-old niece is a genius. Not in the "isn't my niece awesome!" hyperbole genius. she's really really smart. She wrote a short story that knocked me on my ass.
Also: she does standup.
My dad is really into Absolutely Fabulous.
My best audience would be a group of people with bad backs hopped up on darvocet.

I'm going to animate that stupid voice I do all the time. So, good luck to me with that.

Work is hard. Life is hard. That's how it is.

Guinness extra stout is extra good. I am a good person. I am a delicate flower.

Mantra-style.

I am going home tomorrow. I am not looking forward to staring at my parents for four days. I am looking forward to a long, long drive, with good music. And turkey. And mightys. Mighty, mighty, mighty. And resting. Sarah needs her "rest".

now playing:The Beach Boys-Pet Sounds

(Also-it just got really chilly in hell. Remember when I hated the beach boys? yeah. Pet Sounds is really good. It inspired question 2.)

Stolen from sarah's blog:
Go to my comments and recommend to me:
A)
1. a movie:
2. a book:
3. a musical artist, song, or album:

B) I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more, no less.

C) If you are up to it, copy and paste this into YOUR livejournal and allow your friends the same pleasure

This is what I replied with:

1. a movie: Shaolin soccer. it is the funniest movie you will ever see.
2. a book: To kill a mockingbird. it's obvious, but it's popular for a reason.
3. a musical artist, song, or album: mates of state, team boo.

who is your current crush?
Name something you were wrong about.
what's one thing you can't throw away, event though you should?


yeah-ha.

I can't stop eating hersheys kisses. I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many of those little pieces of paper have ended up in my mouth today. I think I'm going to invent a dish by mixing hersheys kisses with potato chips and lightly baking until they're mixed up and salty perfect. would that work? I bet it would.

A guy from my class just told me on im that I'm "thick in all the right places". Yowza!

My friend and I are going to start making animated shorts. We have no idea what they're going to be about, or what they will look like, but we're going to just start doing it. We're not drawing them, either. Figure that one out!

Tonight I'm going to do a thing called sleep.
Yeah!

I'm thinking about having a contest where I give my username and password to someone and they get to post on my page. Wouldn't that be the funnest contest ever?
Also, can anybody tell me the html code to post a picture? I can't remember anything past [img src=.

live from the alligator

Last night our revue class got an opporunity to open for an open mike night (should have been a big red flag) in Williamsburg, so we thought we could work out some of our scenes. (plus, a reason to go to magical Williamsburg!) Only three of us showed up, and the three of us that did aren't in any scenes together, so we just did 15 minutes of improv. Now, I've done some bad gigs. Really bad. I've done short form on a sidewalk during a street fair. I've had families walk through my scenes eating kettle corn. This was not that bad as gigs go. We got some laughs, we had great energy. It was me and the two big, burly marine-looking guys from class. We called ourselves Three-Legged Dog. We did a lot of yelling and wrestling. I felt kind of tough. But it's improv outside of an improv theater, so any coolness I feel is both temporary and imaginary.

Also? Stand up sucks. Every single person up there not only looked at their notebooks between every joke, but they all grumbled through their sets, "that got a chuckle . . . are you people even out there? that joke didn't work. I screwed that joke up. I suck." and everyone who walked out of the room (like when I stepped out to get a drink), "bye? I'm walking people already. they're walking out on me." God. Fuck off.
Just, standups, please. Don't you want to be different? At least, don't rag on us during your set. We got laughs, we broke a sweat, and we stuck around and gave you laughs you didn't deserve, so whatever.

Tonight is long rehearsal. My life is naught but show. yeah!

One of us, one of us

I apologize. I spazzed out a little yesterday. I don't think I've ever actually "talked smack" about any of my friends, I think I just get mopey and needy, which is embarassing but not offensive.

So here I am:
the good, the bad, the needy, the critical, the uninformed opinions, the fragile ego, the constant improv talk, the vague and obscure references to crushboys, the everpresent body shame, the teeming masses of self-doubt yearning to breathe free. So, you know, if you're into that, give 'er.

Welcome, DHKA enjoyers!

Cat out of bag. Can of worms? Open. I kept this secret for as long as I could, but now a whole mess of buffalo friends know what I'm thinking, feeling and bitching about from day to day. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to get a little less personal, but that's coolio. If I've ever talked smack about you on this site in this past, please know it was out of love, and out of making myself look like the better person to people who have only my word to go on. Word. Better yet, just steer clear of those archives. They're cringeworthy like the surgery channel. Or the Anna Nicole show.
Cool? Cool.


Ok, so. My life, right?

Friday-party with Gjirls. I brought white "wine" from a bodega, because I'm allergic to red. It turned out to be foul "wine product" of which I couldn't drink more than a glass, while the girls all drank velvety reds. I had half a glass of red out of jealousy and was immediately ill. We had awesome cake with naughty sayings on it. Ouija, spell casting, ipod dancing to. Fjun tjimes. The saddest part of friday: Mo and I sat in her bedroom looking at her computer for about five minutes before she logged on to the irc so we could look at it together. It's a sickness.

Saturday- Rehearsed from 12 to 5ish. The show is going to be good. We're addicted to working on it. It's kind of crazy. We show up early and work on our scenes in the hallway, then keep the room late. I end up exhausted and raspy by the end. I FUCKING LOVE IT.
Saturday night we went to Ivan's party. Todd and I talked to Ivan for a few minutes, then just talked to each other the rest of the time. It was kind of great. It was my first time in williamsburg. Astoria is, um, prettier?

Sunday- nuthin. I did molassi, which was a lot of fun. There were a lot of really good people there. I did an ok scene with a kid I'd never met. I'm feeling a lot more comfortable doing monoscenes though. I bet I would do even better if I knew the person I was working with. So, add that to the addiction pile.

If it takes shit to make bliss, well I feel pretty blissfully

I think there is a small chance I may be doing better at work. I still think everyone hates me, but that's just my deal all around. My problem is I don't think I'm used to people expecting very much from me, and it's both hard and great when someone expects more for me than I am already giving. So there's that.

I adore the insanity that is the irc. How can I love something that makes me feel so lame?

Hey, I have 2 parties to go to this weekend. I am not lame! (I can be pretty lame at parties, though. donk-style. )

My moblog is working!
Anyway.

I had a nightmare last night, again. At what age do we grow out of these things? Please tell me I'm not the only one. It was fucking brutal.

"I only listen to one band. They're called the johnny jumpstarts. They are a garage band of 14-year-olds that just formed this afternoon. One of them doesn't even play an instrument, he just bobs his head and taps his knees. We think he might become a drummer. They don't have a cd yet, they just have one song called 'wait wait, I fucked up'. It has been downloaded 120,000 times since its recording fifteen minutes ago. Just as I said that sentence the johnny jumpstarts jumped the shark. We'll keep an eye on them, but as soon as they sign a deal with sony I will eviscerate them in a sarcastic article in Spin. (Yes, SPIN, don't judge me.) I listen to music so painfully close I can hear the sound of a pen on a contract. I can hear what neighborhood in brooklyn you live in, down to the street. You are a sell out the moment I call you a sell out, and not a second before. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to roll my eyes for a while to keep from falling alseep. This world bores me."

Watch Modest Mouse on SNL this weekend. Modest Mouse: a good band with a contract.

A girl in my class has the greatest apartment ever. It's gigantic. Cavernous. Furnished frat-style. We went over to her place last night and sat around talking about sketches. We were there for two and a half hours, and we didn't get anything done. I really think less is more.
We'll figure it out. Whatevs.

Whenever I write a girl off as shallow or boring, it always turns out she has had some horrible tragedy to overcome, and that if I just spend seven minutes talking to her, she becomes wise and sweet and supportive. I'm like an idiot with the judgementals and the learning about people and the stuff and things.

Also, maybe I'm wrong, (see above, re: idiocy) but I think it's kind of shitty to write people off for being christians. I'm starting to see it on here and there. "So and so, Conservative Christian, hired for such and such." Not a critiscism of that person's actions, but an assumption of his actions based on his religion. There is a lot of justifuble anger going in that direction, but when things change that suddenly it's ok to hate someone for their religion? Isn't that still shitty? I don't know. I mean, I'm not a christian, but I was raised by them, so it's hard for me to imagine my family being forced to hide who they are and what they believe in because the left is so pissed off at their president. I don't know. I can't make informed statements about these kinds of things, I can only say what I feel. What I feel overall is :"Whatever, everybody"*.

*not an accurate description of how I feel.

I'm never really "over" anything, am I?

I'm PATHETIC!

I want attention from a cute boy. I crave sexual tension. I'm a whackjob. My new description for a crazy? Bag'o'nuts! Don't steal it, you bagonuts.

Here is my dhka article for this week. It probably wont' get published for a really long time:

We Both Know You're Not an F'ing Apple Farmer.

I am a terrible phone talker. I wish I could talk to my friends for hours the way I did when I was in high school. Over the summer of my junior year, my friend Leigh would call me an hour before Days of Our Lives and we'd talk. Then we would stay on the phone in front of the TV and watch Days of Our Lives in silence. Then we would talk through Another World, and General Hospital. What the hell do sixteen-year-olds talk about for four hours? I don't remember. I don't think I want to remember.
I'm just terrible at it now.
I think it's partially because I am a secretary, so I am on the phone all day, but not casually. I am getting information and ending the call as fast as possible. When my friends call I'm the same way.
"Hello?"
"Hey, what's up?"
"Nothing. Why did you call?"
"Um, to see what's . . . up."
"Oh. Nothing."
(Pause. This is where I realize I need a new job and I need to make up something that is 'up'.)
"Ok."
I do the best I can, but once the information is exchanged it's a struggle to stay on the line for any reason. I love my friends, and I try, but it's always a race to "see you later". (Trust me, I'm not much better in person.)

My mother taught me to be overly polite with strangers on the phone. When I call someone (and I know this is insane, believe me.), even if I know it's the person I want to speak with, I still say:
"May I please speak with so and so?"
I can't not do it and I get mocked.

It drives me insane when people call and just say:
"So-and-so?"
"No, I'm sorry. Would you like to speak with so and so?"
"Hi so and so, let's start talking about something stupid because I am rude and don't listen. What? Wait, what? This isn't so-and-so? And I just started talking to you as if you were so-and-so? Gosh, I feel stupid. Why did you make me feel so stupid? Who is this? Shame on you!"
I understand, it' fine, whatever. It just takes so much longer than it should.

Oh, and there's this thing that you have to do when you are a secretary that is adorable.
"May I ask who's calling?"
"Tell her it's her favorite apple farmer. She'll know what it means." Undeserved giggles.
Pause. Sigh. "Ok."
You know what? A receptionist is not a toy. Do you know how humiliating that is?
"Hi, um, purple-faced boss person who makes seven figures and doesn't f-around and just yelled at me? Your favorite apple farmer is here."
"Grunt! Send him in!"
I don't want to be part of your funny make-them-ups. The only way the "joke" works is if there is a person to relay the message. That's the joke: that you're making a stranger look like an asshole. And you have to say it. Sometimes your boss doesn't get it, and sometimes he thinks it's about as funny as you do. At my last job it was ok, occasionally it would be "Tell him it's his favorite brother". It was cute because he had four brothers. See? Cute. Fine. But sometimes, the tone of the day doesn't lend itself to cute, you know?
"Tell him Bill Clinton is here to see him." A-hwah-hwah.
"You bet! As soon as he's done throwing that chair through a window because the market is down, I'm going to pop right in there and tell him 'The Former Outdated Reference of the United States' is here. And he brought donuts! And a sack of diamonds! And he's riding a donkey!"
"I didn't bring donuts . . ."
"I noticed. You're not the former president, either."
"It was just a joke, lady."
"Get your hand off my ass."

At least I know you tried

I am food-soothing.
I am just beginning to get over an itchy, painful semi-internet/semi-real-life crush. (Seriously, after eight years I should just settle it down already. But I am addicted to the fantasy of a new relationship. Fantasy because I already have a relationship, and because no one else would have me.)
My sleeves are too short.
I don't have anything else to talk about.


This is a shit entry.
I am pms-ing hardcore.

So, ok.

Bad things happen, you just have to pick up and keep going, right?

Think of good things. Do your thing. Make things happen. Do your laundry, make some art. I choose not to dwell. Plus, my entire family is republican. I can't go off like everybody else calling them stupid fuckers, it wouldn't feel right.

1. This cake job is becoming kind of emotionally stressful.
2. Nivea smells good.
3. In my cast picture from my pit graduation show, i am wearing the most tense, fake smile. It is hilarious.

"Sam I know. Its all wrong. By rights we shouldnt even be here."

"But we are. Its like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones
that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were.
And sometimes you didnt want to know the end. Because how
could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the
way it was when so much bad had happened. But in the end,
its only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must
pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will
shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with
you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to
understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know
now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back
only they didnt. They kept going. Because they were holding
on to something."
"What are we holding on to, Sam?"
"That theres some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And its
worth fighting for."
The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers

I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry.

This is our Emergency

Feeling slightly less hateful today. The rent is paid. I actually feel rested.
The show is over. Our last show was pretty good. Erin came!!!! We may be working on it more in a different capacity, so keep the eyes peeled. It was pointed out to me at VU that we wore matching teeshirts. I mean, I knew it, but taken out of context, we really look like "matching teeshirt comedy". We don't do short form. I swear. It's part of a whole larger thing.

We're out of caffeine in the office. I know because I took the last one. I figure, if I'm going to get seventeen complaints about it from seventeen different people in this office who never took the time to learn my name, I might as well get the last french roast. Right? Also: I'm a bitch.

I saw a great sketch show on Friday. It was the new show from one of the first groups I saw when I came to new york. I will not link to it because I do not want anyone else that I know in real life finding this page. It's bizarrely awesome to think I'm actually friends with some of them now. The end of the show music was Float On, which I'm pretending was a dedication to me, even though I know it's just plain good end-of-show music.

I have my pit graduation class tonight. Aw. It's so weird. For everybody else in the class it's their second show ever. For me? Not so much. I really should be funnier, though, if I'm going to be all "I've been around the block" about it.

Come down/plant your feet into the ground

Um, let's see . . . deep voices, kitteny, hate myself, I covered all that, right?

Last night's show was pretty bad. Comedy is like sex, either it's really good or it's just serviceable.

Edit: What I did in the show was terrible, the rest of our cast, the other acts, and the hosts were beyond stellar.

The thing has come back. While I know it's not a big deal, it's still a deal. I have to look into health insurance yesterday.

Things I can't afford:
69 love songs
Tivo
Concert tickets
new shoes
new sneakers
a haircut
starbucks
a nosejob
health insurance
my student loan payments
my second city class

Things I can afford:
someone else's rent
someone else's security deposit.

Isn't that a kick in the pants? Who knew I was rich enough to pay my rent x3?

Also, I'm pretty sick of halloween.

Aren't you glad you read this far? Have I ruined your day yet?

I had two seconds of nice last night. I'm going to replay them in a constant loop in my head for the next seven hours. I'm crazy.

But Now

I just sent my boss an email where I promised to "Step up the vigilance". Seriously. I should be flipping burgers. I probably will be soon.

We named the revue showcase. We had been going back and forth on it so much I just wanted to throw one more onto the pile and then let someone who cared about it choose. It was my idea, and I honestly didn't care if that was it or not. Obviously, it's far from brilliant, but when you put it in the context of all of the the ideas we threw around for two weeks, it seems right. A guy in the class was visibly upset with me because we didn't take his suggestion. He did that "I'm making fun of being upset with you, but I actually really am" thing. Gah. I prefered my original suggestion "I Guess I Just Wasn't Made for These Crimes Against Humanity". Nobody but me and our director got the reference.
Last night we did the all guys scenes and the all girl scenes. The girls sat on the floor in the hallway, talked about sex and laughed our asses off. The guys got into a huge fight and people stormed out. I'm starting to get the whole "Girls only" comedy group. I used to think it was stupid to separate the sexes after high school, but now I totally get it.

I feel awful and ugly. I'm worried about the bit we're doing tonight at the variety show. I don't know why I put this kind of pressure on myself. I look forward to being a strong, beautiful woman. (Someday.)

I can't tell what kind of life I've led today
All that's known is what's debatable again


Wow, I had a really bad day at work. I think I smell the axe over my head. It's not that I don't try, I'm just not cut out for it. I just can't care.
I had a really up and down class today, too. I'll write more tomorrow. If I still have a job, that is.

What I meant to say was, "congrats, sox."

Cute. I did the molassi jam last night. It was a little intimidating, because I didn't know anybody, and I am kind of a fan of my scene partner. It might have been better if I wasn't so scared, or if I had an ounce of self-confidence. We did one long, slow scene about me watching my super clean the brains of a murdered burglar off my walls.

"I can make you some lunch."
"Please don't."

It was actually kind of sweet.

I spoke too soon. The blogosphere welcomes Jess, the world's greatest living illustrator.
I am so happy.

Welcome my boy Alex to the mix. Insane. Thank fucking god. It's so Jess's turn.

This may very well be the one thing in the universe that has nothing to do with you.

I need to get my heart on straight.
I haven't written anything decent here in a long time. I think that's ok, considering it's a journal. If I wrote something inspirational and life-affirming everyday it would become a parody of itself. Right? Plus, it's fun when I write sentences in a way that makes it sounds like guys from my office only get transferred for about an hour, and so I go for drinks with them.
Anyway.

The Saturday show was good. Very good, in fact. I'll say that. One of the guys in my show said that I was pretty much the coolest girl he's ever met. I pretty much never want to forget that.

I'm doing the slow jam tonight. Sounds sexay. I'll probably just end up watching and getting intimidated.
I mean, "intoxicated".
I mean, "intubated".
I mean, "I might go home instead-iated."

The handbags and glad rags that your grandpa had to sweat so you could buy

I haven't posted here in a long time. Sorry about that.
Monday night I saw the Office special at the museum of television and radio, which was awesome and amazing. Then a small group of us went out to eat and I got a stout beef pie that made me want to vomit. I've had it before at other places and it was really good. This time was enough to put me off beef forever. The mashed p'tates were good.

Tuesday tracey came over to approve of my new place. She adored it. Yeah! By the way, she is going to be on Japanese television on friday (saturday morning, japan time), is it me or is that insane?

Yesterday was just yesterday. Stupid busy. Home long enough for grilled cheese and a single conversation. Then sleep and out again. This morning I woke up to the radio and I caught the tiniest bit of jock talk:
"Boy, you're really anti-according to jim, aren't you?" Howard Stern, look out!

Looking for a happy time. No happy time can find.

We got the beat

I was really close to getting mashed potatoes and chicken cordon bleu for lunch. I was sooooo close. Salad and salad again. I obviously hate myself and want to deny myself even an ounce of joy. I got a fat free brownie as well, which I think I like better than a regular brownie.

I have a solution. You: stop making everything so difficult.
See, that was easy. Now, you: Kiss me.
I don't want complicated things.

I didn't write about friday. It was awesome. I hung out with some guys from my office who were being transferred for about an hour, and that was really nice. Then I went to my friend michele's apartment with a bunch of girls and we ate, drank, played with the ouija, and cast a spell. Silly as fuck and fun as hell. My friend Leigh burned me something like 7 cds. Holy hannah. I am happy. And to think I almost bailed on the entire evening. I am spoiled by my friends.

Last saturday I was supposed to meet a guy to work on a sketch before class. I got above ground at about 12:04 and I noticed I had a missed call from him. Of course, he couldn't make it, and couldn't tell me wbout it until the moment he was supposed to meet me. Whatevs. The nice part of that was I got to sit at starbucks and stare into space for forty five minutes. Glorious!

It's a part of you-woo-oo it's a part of me

I'm making todd listen to Apples in Stereo. Yes, Virginia, good music is made everyday.

The show tonight was ok. Not quite as good as last week, but still pretty solid. There was one fuck up, the tech guy didn't bring down the lights for ages after a story had wrapped up, and then kept wrapping up over and over until the merciful blackout. It was a spookier show than normal. We had a kill drill right before we went on stage, which is fun. We took turns killing each other slowly and deliberately and with detail. I think that put us in a weird mood. Very weird. It was as creepy show.

We have a journal for our sc showcasey thing that we each get to take home for a week or something. I have it now. I'm still not sure what I need to do with it. I think I'm just going to write a page a day, hopefully about stuff less shallow and random than this one.

Speaking of which, my hair is fucking cute today.

I have an appointment to buy a bra next tuesday. What? did I say I have to make an appointment to buy a bra?
Yes, I did. I have to hold the appointment with a credit card and get charged 50 bucks if I blow it off. That's how much of a medical miracle I am. Thanks, god!
Nothing is easy.

I'm so burnt out I don't feel like a human being anymore. I'm happy and I'm in the depths of a nice warm crush, so I'm not complaining, but I am still complaining. I want to sleep. I'd like some time to myself. Blah.

I got to work an hour early to set up for a meeting that's not until friday. Aw. I'm kind of sweet and pathetic, aren't I? I'm an awful secretary.

IT's true For you I'd go to Equador

I am bored, and yet I am also very tired.
We saw Teitur at the bitter end last night and he was the very best. Adorable and danish and an amazing musician. I was mere feet from him for the whole set. There was nothing between our table and his cute, boyish charm. I want my moblog to work. I will make is so by wishing.+

I'm deleting everything I said here. I'm sick of myself and my stupid heart. I'm pulling a blanket over my head forever.
I'm becoming a nun.

You can't look at this and not smile. Look at that freakin kid. There's hope in this world; hope lives under that hairnet.

The angst of

Wow. The show Saturday was amazing. I'm really pleased. No beating myself up, for once.

Yesterday we went over to Jerry's to watch the football game, and I actually played a game of touch football. Who is proud of me? Me am! We lost to the Jets, of course.

I'm going to see Teitur tonight with Todd and June. I just drag him everywhere now, regardless of whether he's interested or not.
"What band is this?"
"A Danish guy I have a crush on."
"Ok."

"What show is this?"
"It's a comedy thing. There's a guy in it I have a crush on."
"Ok."

No, I never say that. But that's the deal.

About a million people I love and respect have said they are coming to the show this weekend. I so hope it's not crap.
I sent off an essay for dhka that contained some controversial and uninformed opinions. I so know it is crap.
Deep, liquid voices make me feel all kitteny and embarassed inside. This is why i hate myself. Note to self: turn off crush-switch.

check out those chubby cheeks! My face hasn't changed since infancy.

I like October. I like it lots. I heart it.
I look like a huge dork. I had to scramble this morning to find something comfortable and warm to wear. I chose black corduroys, my magenta long sleeved shirt with huge holes worn through the elbows, and a thick greyish brown cardigan*.

I am pissed we can't do oddbody at ash wednesday.

I have had the same headache for four days. I take meds and it subsides, then it comes back. Irritating. I'm pretty sure I'm dehydrated, except that all of the obvious things aren't working.

I like my apartment. It's pretty.

I feel like there's a possibility I may have gained a hundred pounds over the past four days.

I would throw the xbox out the window if I were the type of person to do such things.

* I am not colorblind.

Note: This post contains the words "dick" "queer" and "pumped", with references to Godspell and Star Wars.

We Beseech thee, hear us!

I will never finish unpacking. I had no idea we had this much crap. How many versions of trival pursuit do we need? I say three*, and yet I need to step over a much larger stack than that to get to the bathroom. Todd's mother decided to come down and help us, and to stay with us for a few days. We'd never get it done without her help, but there's something unsettling about it. A woman should be allowed to set up her own kitchen.
What's nice is my bedroom is huge. I no longer have to sleep between a person and a wall, and then climb over that person to get out of bed.
Oh, also there's a gas leak.

I put Godspell in my cd player because I thought we were going to have musical rehearsal on saturday and I wanted to be all queer and pumped to sing. We didn't do music, so I left it in, and cried on the train to work this morning. (long live God, indeed. there's something in my eye.)

I have been a dick to my friends the past week, so I'm sorry. People keep inviting me to see shows that I want to see, but i just don't have any time. This thursday I am taking off from my class to go see a show I want to see. I'm treating myself to that much.
Two nice moments this weekend-
At class on saturday a guy tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I wanted to say I think you're really funny. I haven't gotten a chance to say that yet."
and then saturday night after the show a friend of mine said, "You're funny, but you know that, right?" Not really, but you've just made my freakin life.


*star wars, lotr, popular culture dvd version, genus. ok, four.

hi. sorry. everything's ok, just a little sick and screwy and busy. I posted yesterday but it timed me out. Which is good, I guess, because I talked about crushes and blathered on about my stupid busy schedule which is so boring and not busy compared to what it could and should be, and yet i insist on crying about it. So, yes. I just typed "busty" instead of busy.
I am weak and wiped out. I need a day of rest. I'm moving in to the new apartment on sunday which is awesome. I'm nervous, but who wouldn't be, right?
What's cute about my second city reheasals is you can tell half the class is from the writing program because they all show up with journals or binders, and the rest of are from the improv program because we show up in loose pants with water bottles and never write anything down. I should get a notebook.

And. Well. someone close to me found someone close to him dead in his apartment. So it's pretty fucking sad and messed up. I won't go too deeply into it, but it's just so horribly unecessary and fucks up the people who love you so don't do it, ok? That's my terribly elegant way of saying keep on keepin' on.

This is alot better when I actually write someting here, isn't it?

Well, I don't have a whole lot to say. I do, but it's hard to explain. Todd and his sister might be holding off again, not moving down for another week. I understand and all, it's a family problem thing. It just feels like this is never going to happen. Plus, I woke up at 4am with this crushing feeling like the new apartment will get robbed. I had some disturbing dreams, which I blame on the illness, but you know how it gets first thing in the morning or late at night. I think that's when your psyche defenseless and all of your fears can just have fun kicking your ass.
I have a new crush and a warmed-over old crush and a horrible cold.
My show opens sunday. Who's up for it? Come on!

Looks just like the sun

I am doing some pretty crap work lately, and I've been doing a lot of it. For the next month I going to be dedicating three nights a week and all of Saturday to improv. That's crazy. Also, everything I did this week sucked. I hope it's just evidence of a growth period and not an accurate representation of my actual abilities.

"Um, hi, sarah? Hi, this is your insecurity. How is it going? Good. I own you. Kay. Bye."

Oddbody is opening soon, that's good. (tuesdays and saturdays) I'm still taking my pit class (thursdays), and now I've decided to take revue showcase at second city(wednesdays and saturdays*). I can't afford it and I don't have time for it, but i sure am taking it. I'm taking the shit out of it. I'm really glad I am too, the people in it are surprisingly good and it's eventually going to lead to sketch. Nice.
I'm super aware of my grammar lately. What's my deal?

I'm signing my lease after work. I hope it all works out. I keep feeling like something bad is going to happen. Hmm-dark, mysterious, broody. Whatevs.
I need sleep.

*yes, that's a double booking. I can't stop telling people my schedule.

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart, I've got
this thing that I consider my only art of fucking people over


Talk me into or out of this apartment:
I am a lil bit stressy. I found a place, it is gorgeous, awesome and huge (like me!) BUT (and this is a big but, like me! also!) to get to it, you kind of have to go into a back alley. Like, you can't see the door to the apartment from the street. I guess it just looks bad. It's gated, and you need a key for the gate. It's also a first floor. So i don't know what to do. I am living in pain and fear because Todd's sister is coming to live here, and I feel this total obligation to keep her safe at every moment. This was left up to me to chose and if I chose a place that gets burgled, or worse, I am taking full responsibility for her saftey and I am buggin out. Also, this is so much goddamn money, I can barely breathe. I can't eat, i'll tell you that much. Bah.


A lady here just came over and told me I looked stressed and not to worry. Nice. I forget how much I need that kind of thing.

Dave is starting up dhka.com again. I wrote something for it already, but I don't think he's "launching" until october 1st. So that's cool.

I am thisclose to getting fired.
Shit.

eating snowflakes with plastic forks

I need to clarify: I said in my last post that I missed my family, but I neglected to mention that I miss the fuck out of my friends, most of whom I'm going to see tonight. Awesome.
Also awesome: I went to spot (spot!!!!) and got a coffee and I am jacked up like a jesus freak. God I love coffee.

I'm in buffalo now. I went to Curtain Up last night. Curtain up is the night when all the theaters in Buffalo open their seasons. It's magical. They close down this little stretch of main street (where you can't drive anyway because of our sorry little tram of a subway) and everybody goes to opening night of whatever play and then they all go to this little area and drink and whatever in their tuxes and gowns 'n whatnot. It's actually quite fancy. I wore jeans. I landed at about ten and ended up there around eleven. the cutest part is, there was a guy on the street wearing a wig and strumming a toy plastic bass, and people were taking his picture. That is what passes for freaks in this town. He wasn't even batshit crazy, just an attention whore.

I spent 78 dollars at target, and I don't think I actually got anything. I finally found something at the bonton that I could spend my christmas gift certificate on that wasn't totally soccer mom. So that's coolio. did I mention the coffee? It's still making me happy as pie.

Oh, yeah and modest mouse concert was awesome. Just, the best. I can give full details later, but I can say right now: Issac Brock is the fucking best. During one song, and I can't remember which, he got this huge adreniline rush and began to scream the lyrics into his guitar strings. At that moment, his potent genius impregnated me. That's the risk you take when you stand that close to the stage.

Taking heartache with hard work
Goddamn I am such a jerk, I can't do anything

I love that song and I have issues.

What is it about my eyeballs that makes little black bugs so happy? My eyes are not made of candy, you know.
Also, I've been saying "totally", like, a thousand times a day. I'm from the eighties. I like it.

I looked at apartments last night. The guy was awesome an he is totally going to hook me up. I found a place I liked that was 100 more than I wanted to spend, and then he called me today and they raised it another 100. So, no then. Plus, one of the apartments (and I totally forgive this, but still) the landlord wasn't home, so as he's telling me about the neighborhood he whips out a credit card and breaks in.
"Yeah, I totally won't be taking this one now, but it's worth a gander."

Oh yeah and I'M GOING TO SEE MODEST MOUSE TONIGHT AT A SUPERSECRET CONCERT THEY'RE HAVING. I got onto a list. I kind of only half believe this is happening. I mostly believe this is some elaborate lie to make me insane, or to toughen me up for the real world. Like, i'm going to show up, and they're going to look me up and down and laugh at me for not being cool enough to come in. Aw. Sad sappy sucker.

So I am juggling things, as you can tell from the jaunty angles of this entry, I have a lot of shit going on. I just added myself to a class I can't afford at all. So that's cool. So that's two classes, a show, looking for an apartment, working full time. I get what they mean in commercials when they refer to "the speed of life." Before I moved here, I would think: "What speed?" and also: "What an empty cliche that is."

I'm going back to buffalo this weekend. I don't care if I never go home again. The place just bores and depresses me. I miss my family, but whatever.

Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans

That's a little more optimistic.

The thing I like best about Lil’ Kim is her delicate grasp of decorum and modesty.

Poplar Tree (the Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

Wow. Pretty on the money there, treestrology.

Mr. Belding . . . ?

I'm so excited, I'm so excited I'm so . . . .



SCARED!!!!!!!

Satan in a Jesus Suit

Saturday was a great day. Rehearsal, workout, food, comedy show (did), movie (watched). Perfect day. Got it right.

Sunday. Did nothing. Tried to see apartments. Couldn't get ahold of the supers. I felt a cold coming on, by which I mean I felt a slight tickle in my throat and double gravity in my limbs. I was supposed to go to a practice group in Williamburg but I just couldn't muster the energy. I ate really bad-for-me food and got sick instead. I'm not the kind of person to not do something when I click the "yes" on the evite. Maybe I am. I feel horrible about missing it.

I'm going to see an apartment tonight, but the realtor is taking me with another couple, which will be uncomfortable, right? Is that weird? I don't know. I will never find a place to live. This is frickin ridiculous.

If the world's at large why should I remain?

I've never had peanut chews before I moved to new york. They are the divine work of The Lord.
I finally have in my possesion a paycheck. It's been three weeks since I've gotten a real paycheck. It's a long-boring-story. I am also going to look at apartments in the neighborhood I am already in, which makes me happy, because I like it there.

I don't consider myself materialistic, but there are a few physical items that I covet. I want an iPod. I look at them riding the subway and cruising past my desk with a mix of lust and jealousy. I have a crush on iPods.

"What did you say, iPod? You think you're too good for me?? Quit ignoring me iPod! I'll kick your ass iPod, you stuck-up jerk! What can I do to make you love me!!?!?"

I don't want one of those free ones from that cagey-looking deal, I want one that I earn, so that when* I lose it it will break my heart. It is going to take me a long, long time to earn one.

I want a modest mouse tee shirt. More specifially, I want a large size bitter buffalo modest mouse tee shirt that is navy blue and has yellow writing and this thing which tells time. Not the navy medium, not the large yellow. I need what I want. I am an ample-chested woman and I look frightening in yellow. I might cave next week and buy the yellow anyway.



So yeah. It's good to know my equipment is working, but ow. Hurty.

*yes, when.

Let's do everything for the first time forever.

Maybe it's the coffee-flavored frozen yogurt talking, but I feel better today. I'm not crushingly, hopelessly depressed. I won't bore you with it, because it was incredibly boring, but it took two hours and four trains to get to my stupid, nothing job. Whatevah. Rain!

My hair is in pigtails. It looks cute. You like it.

Baby did a bad bad thing

I do and say all the stupid things there are to do and say. That is my job in this world. I'm sick to my stomach from it. I'm physically ill from sadness. Nothing is easy and nothing works out the way I need it to. I think I need a real therapist instead of this blog. I went to a psychic who told me I needed to get help for depression and I said, "Ok, I will" and she said, "No, you won't." She's right. Denial is cheaper.

I went to Connecticut with some friends Sunday and Monday and hung out at the beach. It was freezing on Sunday and cold but sunny yesterday. I lit up like a roman candle. I'm pink as hell. It was a really nice time, just sitting and talking and looking at rocks. I got some good pictures. I'm lucky in so many ways, I don't know where I get off complaining.

The Language of Hip

I'm reading nothing and I'm too depressed to take Wagon Christ's Musipal out of my cd player. I require sleep, human contact and a steak dinner. I am a whiner.

I volunteered to help at a theater tonight. I'm not sure why I offer myself for things. I mean, I do, but I'm always miserable about it. I need to be out of the house this evening, that is for certain. And I might meet some new people, which can sometimes be fun and rewarding. It'll be fine, I just like to complain.

I've been having dizzy spells. I think it has to do with staring at the computer all day. I think I have DIMS. And a touch o' the rheumatiz.

Fire's hot! How 'bout it!!!

This show I am in? It's going to be good. Like, if I were watching it, I'd be like, "I totally wish I could be in this show." But I am going to be in it. So it's like a wish come true. Totally.

I'm in a funk, which I'm sure will go away soon. I'm sure it has to do with my inactive (sitting in a chair looking at internet) daily life coupled with my complete lack of kind, positive interactions with other human beings. My skin is not thickening here in new york. I need to tough it out. I want a pat on the head and tell me I'm good. I want coffee. I'm getting me some coffee. Aw,yeah.

Things to look forward to:
My brother gave me a bunch of old-timey scary movies for research this weekend.
It's almost the weekend.
A guy on the irc is making me a mix cd.
Class tonight.
Cute boys are still cute.
Tracey is coming home on Sunday. I myth her.

Why do I set myself up to feel awful?

Kiss every comma in your chequelist.
commas in your chequelist
na na na

Why can't I get this song out of my head?

Let's dance!

1996, 1997, 1998, we're all waiting for the year 2000

I had so much fun last night. Another night of comedy that made me so happy I couldn't sleep. I'm such a dink. I'm like a puppy with the things I like. I really should learn to be more aloof. Also, coming out of the 28th st station I was stopped by a bunch of cops in riot gear. It was weird and scary. We weren't even protesting, but they wouldn't let us pass by. I got the shaky hands after that little incident.

I cleaned out my boss's closet yesterday. I found about 25 wrapped christmas presents and a case of wine. Want some binoculars?

I have that weird feeling you get when you realize you've forgotten something important or you've insulted somebody or just plain let everybody down. What is that specific feeling called? Crappy? I don't even know what I did, but I'm sure my actions will catch up to my emotions eventually.

By the way, I'm not remotely funny. And one of my glands is sore. The left one.

S-o-f, t-p-y, r-a-m, i-d-s*

Stone Phillips came to the play on Friday, so that was weird.
I lost four pounds this week, so that's suprising.
I am going to see my brother's student show after work, so that's cool.
I've only gone to the ucb once since I moved here. The other night, all of my dreams for the entire night took place at the ucb. That's weird of me.

God, my hair smells good. Hey, you, come over here and smell my hair.

I saw Elephant Larry on Saturday. If there were such a thing as an adorable contest they would win in a five-way tie. I went by myself, because the people I usually hang out with were in shows themselves or out of town and I have not the balls to invite people. The guys in line in front of me chatted me up while we were waiting, and I got the standard, "are you an actress?" "yes." "I can tell". What does that mean? How can you 'tell'? Why does everybody say that?

*It's from a song. I'm not crazy.

by no means comprehensive

This is a list of things I like about people I know.


I like your pants.
I like that you put stickers on things.
I like that you like good music, but you're not snotty about it.
I like that you are patient with me.
I like that you hugged me even though you barely knew me.
I like the way you leaned over me to see around the corner, instead of going around me.
I like that you're laid back about money.
I like that you look at me and smile while I talk.
I like that you congratulated me on something small, long after others had forgotten.
I like that you took the time to explain something to me.
I like that you offered me your bong, even though I don't really do that.
I like that you say it's looks like I'm losing weight, especially when I'm not.
I like that you didn't care about the rules that time we played a board game.
I like that you recommended me for something huge.
I like that you emailed me out of the blue.
I like that you have high standards for comedy, but you're not above the sillyness.
I like that you like the girls with the boom and much junk.
I like that you took the time to show you remembered who I was.
I like that you drove me wherever, whenever, the year before I moved and that we finally got to talk.
I like that you love your job.
I like the way you write, and I love that you don't know how good you are.
I like that we were friends immediately.
I like that every time I call you, we talk for an hour, and you hit on me hardcore.
I like that you are a heart with legs.
I like that you taught yourself something.
I like that you got me over my fear of spiders.
I like that you took me for a walk in the woods.
I like that you acted out your favorite little house on the prairie for me.
I like that you taught me to let things hit me, blow off the small stuff, and breathe.
I like that you are so passionate about something so easily mockable.
I like that you opened up about something uncomfortable.
I really like that you were patient with me.
I like that you let me hang out with you and your friends when I was a little dork.
I like that you made me copious cds.
I like that you danced that one time.
I like that you found this page.
I like that you expect bigger things from me than I do.

Fast and Dirty

I'm going to Kiev East in the village for dinner. It's my favorite restaurant in the city.

We looked at apartments today. I'm struggling with some things that I really ought to be certain about, we'll just say that. I've been spoiled by being alone for so long.

The play the upright citizens brigade on comedy central from 2-3. That owns.

Who loves you? I do!!

One flew east, One flew west

This is weird, having the bf here, in my town. With me. All real and shit. It's all different, like walking with two feet in one shoe; and of course it's all the same. He rolls his eyes when I try to tell him anything, like how the subway works. He still tries to kick me out of bed fifteen minutes early for no reason. His first night here I went to get a drink of water and I magicially found a way to trip over the xbox controller. Just like the good old days.

I feel just a little off balance. I'm overwhelmed at how happy I am to be near him again. Just seeing him last night was like fireworks and explosions and sparks and electricity and all of those dangerous things you feel around someone you love. I am a little sad though, because I can sense my experiment in independence coming to an end. Part of me liked being on my own.

This all means that I am taking the next three days off, you see. And that rules, very hard. So maybe no updates, but maybe yes.
and I'll keep the lovey dovey shit to a minimum.

What I got you got to get it put it in you

I sang that song to my bank. Then I deposited a check! Double entendre! With money! High five!

I just drank a third of a frozen cappuccino that one of the IT guys picked up for me. I'm sick to my stomach. It was good for a minute, though. Now I hate myself again. All that crap about "refusing to have a negative body image" is bullshit. All that stuff about the IT guys being sweet as hell is totally true.

I'm really lonely at the office, man. There is no one to talk to, except for one of the other admin assistants from another floor, who I only see when he needs to make copies. His dog has ear cancer. It's pretty sad. I guess it's better than having people in my face all day though, right? (the situation, not the ear cancer)

Another reason to love myself: I got teryaki sauce, watermelon juice and peach juice on my pretty white teeshirt. So, I cut the tag out and turned the shirt around, and then put a trader jacket over it. Inventive! And tasty! Now I look like Jo from Facts of Life. Hot!

Can I say I like the Divine Comedy if I only like three songs and kind of despise the rest of the album? What if I like those songs a whole boatload? I guess technically, I can say I like anything I want to like. It is my right, as a poser.

I am stumped. I can't find the song "Un Petit Air" anywhere, I think it's by a band called "calcutta". I need to buy the cd or at least find out what the lyrics are. It's in french. I have it on the house music cd from the last play I was in. It's a good song, I just want to know what it means. It's not on amazon, so I'm immediately lost.

I spent an embarassingly long time reading back articles on this site today, so I thought I'd share.

Two brothers who work in my office are going to Athens tonight. Awesome.

I start rehearsals next wednesday. squee.

I'm all over the map aujourd'hui. This entire entry should be in parenthesis.

Tomorrow belongs to me

A weird weekend entry from the neighborhood lab. Nice.
I saw Jesus and Mandy last night. That was pretty funy. Afterwards I went to meet my brother and amy after their show at Gotham, and there was a group there expecting to see a show at ten that they had read about in the Onion. And since there was no show, and a group (a "cache" if you will) of improvisers just hanging out in the lobby, we were asked to do a set. I did a really bad job. I was cold or whatever, it just wasn't so good. But everyone else was good and warm and made up for my suckage. The people enjoyed themselves, which is the point.

I have to clean up the apartment today for a special visitor. Yay. I feel a little weird actually. We have to get to know each other all over again. Everything is great, of course, and a little strained and there's a lot of pressure and blah blah.

Developments this weekend:
1. I always thought I could hold my own in a geeky conversation. I really can't.
2. I believe the things that most women do to be enticing are in fact, repellant. Whores* are gross and creepy.
3. I'm back to the point where I can get into a workout and not want to get off the machine, ever.
4. Crushes are still great.

I think I made it up. But, whatever.

*harsh much? Geez.

Blood Makes Noise

Last night I saw Suzanne Vega in Central Park. I'm not a huge fan, but I like her well enough to see her live. I almost didn't go, because I've I have been acting like a poopypants lately and I just wanted to go home last night and be sad. I'm really glad I went, though. Teitur did a few songs to start the show, and he alone was worth the price of admission. He sang these beautiful, delicate songs. Better than fucking Coldplay or John Mayer or whatever other bullshit makes the large dollars. There was a moment during one of his songs that I actually felt myself unwind.
I can't believe I forgot my phone. Our seats were amazing, I would have had such great pictures to share.

I am so looking forward to next week. I'm looking forward to rememebering what it's like to be half of a couple, to not be alone in bed at night, and to have three days off of work in a row to be a bum with the bf. I can't wait to see Todd's show, and I have three other fringe shows that I'm going to see because I know people in them. I don't know why I'm so negative all the time. Good things happen eventually.

I had avoided an old crush for as long as I could, but you know what? I'm just happier when I let myself daydream about a cute boy. It hurts no one, is my point.

Um, so . . yeah. Any questions?

Time for some Radiohead

I'm really depressed. It's so dumb. I need to snap out of it.
I feel really bad lately because Todd has to leave his band to move here with me, and his band has become this big thing and everybody is pissed off and broken up about it. I didn't realize how many people I'd be hurting by making myself happy, and because of that I'm no longer happy. It's so dumb and circular and it's too late to change anything. Hating myself doesn't really serve any purpose, and yet I insist on doing it.

Last night we got rained out of bryant park, so we decided to pass on the movie. I bought some picnic food knowing fully that anything I'm prepared for won't happen. It was nice, though. I went home and ate it myself. I had tomato and mozzarella salad and fruit with a turtle brownie for dessert. I think June and I are going to see Suzanne Vega in central park tonight, if everything works out. It's not something I would normally think of doing, but part of why I moved here is to do things I couldn't do anywhere else. This all hangs on whether or not I actually get ahold of her, since I left my phone at home, of course. If I didn't go out, I'd just go home and watch tv and not sleep and stew in self-loathing. By the way, I'm not sleeping anymore. It's my new thing. I just lie there and yell at myself. All the hipsters will be doing it. Just watch.

Oh my god, I was wrong!/ it was earth all along!

I saw that Harold and Kumar movie. I laughed. Sorry! I'm a 13-year-old boy made out of grown-up girl parts, and there's nothing wrong with that. Plus, it's a better movie than you'd think. Plus: it's a movie!

I was going to go see Planet of the Apes tonight at Bryant Park, but that plan is now plagued with problems, mainly the rain and resulting moisture. Also, in a less tangible way, Tracey will be so pissed off at me* if I go without her. I wouldn't blame her if she was, which she probably wouldn't be since she's a grownup. If I had something I've been looking forward to all summer and never got to go, and then she went without me, I would be hurt. Also, I was ready to blow it off, but I'm sticking in there because I think June still wants to go. But maybe she's just sticking in there because she thinks I still want to go. My life is such a sitcom! Shrug!!

Living alone this week is kind of awesome, but I'm seeing the downside. I'll admit, I'm a little bit scared. Plus, when no one is going to come home and see me, I don't really do much at all. I try to convince myself going to the gym absolves me from the sin of sloth, but not so much.

I knew I saw Patton Oswalt in the trailer for Blade 3. So there! And! An Aleister Arcane film is in the works! Geek!


*See how I keep using that phrase? What does that say about our relationship? I keep putting that on her, that I need to please her. She's really nice and cool and supportive, and I make her out to be a demanding ogre. Recognizing your problem is the first step! Hope you're not reading this!

Looking for patterns in the static

Here's basically what I tried to say yesterday, but got deleted twice:

-I saw Napoleon Dynamite
-I slept over at my brother's place and finally saw his beer commercial.
-I am Girlzilla.
-I can sleep anywhere except in a bed at night.
-There is a woman who is obsessed with my boyfriend, who has gone so far as to make a picture of him her buddy icon, which would be cute if she were twelve, but is creepy since she is old enough to have teenaged sons. I'm not saying older people can't crush, but we all need to be mature and respectful once we've passed the age of oh, say, forty. It's a whole deal that I can't go into now.

So now we're all caught up.

Last night I went to see two improv groups at the pit with June. It was awesome. God, they're all so good. I wish they had more time. I think the first group only did a half an hour, I could have watched a lot more than that. They are my favorite. Afterwards I had to register for my next class and we tried to talk to some of the actors, but I always feel weird about that. I know I've been on both sides of it but I still feel awkward. Like, "Hi, I love you. You so don't care. See ya later." Anyway, enough gushing.
June and I bumped into a lady there who was in our sc class, but only came to the first session. Lady was Krazee. Crazy with a Kapital K. She gave us a whole story about her pulmonary embolisms and turkey sandwiches and that she has to eat rat poison and she's a psychic/novelist/feng shui designer and she wants to start a group with us. She forced us to give her our email and phone numbers so we could all get together. Nutcase. And we did, because we're nice. I fudged a number, because I'm nice but also a little bit of a dick. We ran out without talking to Kevin or anybody in the other group because we just really needed to be away from that situation.

We get g4techtv now. Techtv has gotten all shittified since g4 took over, but they still have xplay. I am the only one who cares. That's ok.

AND!
Tracey is out of town shooting a movie, so I have the apartment to myself for two weeks. She's letting me sleep in her bedski. All I can think about right now is how perfect and wonderful it's going to be when I get home from work tonight. I have french bread pizza, left over corona from my birthday party, g4techtv and a real bed to sleep in. Somewhere in the middle there I'm going to work out, which is a good thing. Little things make me happy.

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It's a sparkly!

I got Transatlanticism for my b-day from my brother Jay. Before I went to bed I spent about a half an hour crying in the dark listening to the title track, then I got up and got out all my cds and pulled a most-of-the-nighter. (Does the cover of that album remind anyone else of The Secret of NIMH, when the Dom Deluise bird was trying to make a love nest? Just me?) So I went on a quest for my favorite love songs, and when I pulled out some cds I noticed there was a huge bug on my chest. Well, that kind of ruined the mood. I stayed up listening to songs on repeat anyway.
The list:

1. Deathcab for Cutie- Transatlanticism
2. (That Shins song they used in Garden state, track 6 on "oh, inverted world". I forget what it's called.)
3. I am the cancer- Sloan
4. Deathly- Aimee Mann
5. Both Hands- Ani Difranco
6. Cubs in Five- the Mountain Goats
7. Going to Utrect- the Mountain Goats
8. Untouchable Face- Ani DiFranco
9. (last track on A Secret History, I think it's called tonight we fly)-The Divine Comedy
10. Feelin' Love- (from the City of Angels soundtrack. by some sassy mama.)

I did the best I could with what I had fumbling around in the dark. Yeah, I still listen to cds, because I'm old skool.
You can tell I was feeling better by the end.

I looked at one apartment last night. It was pretty bad. Tracey bought me Thai food. It was pretty dang good.

*Edited to add- my definition of "love song" is pretty vague.

I do it for the joy it brings, because I'm a joyful girl.

I'm looking at apartments. I haven't had to do this since the early nineties, that's how lame I am. I don't know what I'm doing. Can't someone just take me to three places and let me pick one? I'm going to screw this up. Just watch.

Anyway. Nothing going on right now, which means I'm working out and cleaning up after myself. This job is so pointless. I'm glad I don't have anything to do, but I wish I had something to do. Know what I mean? Like tetris, or a puzzle or one of those surveys. There are games on this computer. I guess I could play minesweeper or something. I forgot to fill out my timesheet last week. I have three things that I do here: 1. answer phones 2. sort mail 3. get paid for it. And I CAN'T! DO IT! RIGHT!!!

now, a poem:

untitled

Orange drink is the bomb.
I think guys with premature hair loss are hot.
It's been three o'clock forever.
I'm lonely as fuck right now.
All I want to do is eat.
At least I'm not a smoker.
Little girl lip balm is shitty.
Fix me.

You don't go to see comedy to think? Where do you go to think? I'll meet you there.
-Bill Hicks

I am a lucky girl. I had an amazing birthday party, and suprise of suprises, people came! Everybody was funny, everybody got along. We laughed our asses off. (Mine grew back immediately.) I got some great presents. I got smelly bath stuff, a book called The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency, Mick Napier's Improvise, and Steve Niles' adaptation of I Am Legend, which I am technically not cool enough to read. I got flowers from three different people as well, lovely! And an IRC Birthday thread! Nyerd!

Saturday I had another date with myself. My brother and I went to see Open Water, which I wouldn't recommend, unfortunately. Then he went to do his show and I stayed and saw Garden State. I loved Garden State. It broke my heart. I've been feeling so far from home these days and it was exactly what I needed. Of course, your mileage may vary, but seriously, how much did I love Zach Braff already? A lot. He's a great writer and a great director. We'll leave it at that.

(Blogger keeps telling me my session has expired, but it still has my posts? Because it takes time to craft these wonderfully worded insightful and witty essays? The fuck? Fer reals.)

what the who-what?

"Your half-assed overparenting is even scarier than your half-assed underparenting."
"Aw. But I was using my whole ass."

That neutrogena pore cleanser/mask stuff is great, but it instantly bleaches the shit out of everything it touches, like your towels. Whoops. I ruined two hand towels and one bath towel before I figured out what it was.

It's my turn to get a year older. Yay. Tracey put up decorations around the apartment while I slept. Daw! I called my mom this morning to wish her a "happy giving birth for a fourth time anniversary", because she's the cutest and I'm just her daughter.

I got a substantial birthday check from todd's parents. I'm in a quandry. Do I cash it? Is that the kind of thing that people send back? Is it rude to keep it? Is it rude not to? I guess depending on your situation it's not that big of a check, but it is to me. Oh man, this is becoming more and more like a reverse advice column every day.

Buy the Funkeymonkeys cd. Cuz they're good guys and stuff.

All right?
YAAAAAY!
Good.
Right, a'here we go.

This is addictive. I can't stop sending them pictures.

Hi. I hate everything.

Not true. But kind of. I'm in that kind of mood. The only thing I like right now is leoville town square, the g4techtv forums and cold water. I'm a thirsty nerd. I don't even know what they're talking about over there. Tech talk and people complaining about the g-phoria awards being "rigged" is just kind of soothing.

I gave my brother his domain name for his birthday. Now he can make a real (non-geocities) site for his shows n'such.

What if no one comes to my birthday party? Will that be the saddest, awesomest, most pathetic, funnest story to tell, ever? Yes. Will I ever feel like I'm not in the sixth grade anymore? No.

If I take the improv to sketch class and I do Dr. Oddbody in october I'll have two shows in the fall. I am looking forward to that very much. In fact, I wish the fall was now.

Do you know how to convert a .bmp to a .jpg? Me neither. I have a bunch of pictures that I can't do anything with until I figure it out. Ironically, hanging out at the techy forums isn't helping.


Mowkay.

I'm the gin in the gin-soaked boy.

Not nearly as many bored cops hanging around my building today.
Speaking of bored, I am looking forward to starting classes again. What will I do with my evenings once I know everything? Apply it to something? Pssht. Whatevs. I like learning.

I liked The Village. I saw it coming and still liked it. I didn't want to like Ron Howard's daughter, but she was good. So screw her and her red hair and good fortune and rich daddy. I like scary things.

Tonight: going out for my brother's birthday. His particular gift from me is going to have to be well-timed. I hope people I know will be there. I like having fun.

I've been spending a lot of time walking around the city with a pretty, pretty lady, and I've come to some conclusions about how the other half lives. When you're a model, random guys suck in their guts and smile and make cute, fakey comments at you as you walk by. When you are not, mostly they'll just look at you with disdain and burp. I'm not complaining, there's something kind of lovely and beautiful about knowing that people don't worry about being themselves around me. I'm making assumptions and generalizations based on observations colored by my low self-esteem, but it's something I've noticed and I say it's as close to a fact as I can get. The thing is, you find out the same way that not all guys are jerks. That much I know is true. I like finding the silver lining.

I hope no one reading this who hasn't met me thinks I'm hideous. I'm not a beast, but I have low self-esteem and also, you know. Stuff. I like being vague.

Look at these homies dogging my girl. Why do they gotta front?

Did you ever eat dog biscuits? Because I did. When I was five or something, my brother and I ate a dog biscuit and when we didn't die we kept doing it. Anyway, sourdough pretzels taste just like dog biscuits. I think there are maybe two in a bag (one whole, one chunked up) but I'm still totally full from it. I found a way to not feel as guilty about raiding the vending machine everyday. I only get fruit for lunch. Oh, that's bad. Tracey would be so pissed at me. (not pissed, "disappointed".) Add that to the growing list of things we don't tell her. :)

So bloaty. So grody. Three days until my birthday.

random:
I'm going to see The Village tonight. I already heard it was bad, I'm not letting that stop me. It's a thing that I do.

To Kill a Mockingbird is really good. Why was I never assigned it in school?

I was talking to Todd the other day and we decided that when you don't watch television you can't participate in about 35% of the conversations that happen around you. There's a lot more "Did you see that one commercial?" or "who do you think will win suchandsuch reality contest show?" than I thought. Not that I don't ever watch tv, but a lot less than I ever did before. And Todd has no tv at all, poor fella.

This entire entry sucks. It started off poorly and then I fell asleep from boredom before I got to the end. No heart, no soul! No viva la vive! No Bon Chance!! Pas de beefteck! Dulce de leche!
Well, at least if you are at work and as bored and lonely as I am you now have something to read on internet. It's new content, it can't all be piping hot. Now, I'm hungry. Who has change for a dollar?

She had a birthmark/shaped like a staple

This morning on the train, the operator forgot to turn on the lights inside the cars, so I sat patiently (a fresh new yorker) with my book open in my lap and my teeth clenched until we got to the first stop underground. I'll admit to being tense. I own that. Then when I got in to work, my computer wouldn't turn on because the button was jammed. Some real panic, right there.

I had a great weekend. Friday night I went out to dinner and saw Elephant Larry with adamandamy. Awesome and perfect and adorable and worth the month I had to wait to see a full show. Then I went home, had the house to myself, so I watched tv until late and then slept in Tracey's bed. (a. she won't care, b. I've been sleeping on the couch for the past two weeks, and probably will until my bed moves down here in September. The one I bought when I moved here phucks up my back if I lie in it more than ten seconds. I deserve one night of rest, right? Also, I know she won't care. Ok, look, we just won't tell her. All right? Ok?)

Saturday I saw Ju-on: The Grudge, which was a lot like The Ring, with super scary grey people and creepy children. I love japanese horror. I want moremoremore. I also saw Farenheit 9/11, which was amazing. Everyone needs to see that movie. I had to sit in the second row because I walked in just in time (I had to get a cherry icee . . . a cherry icee of american justice! and pretzel bites!), and the place was wall to wall people. I had to go by myself, which is fine because it's not like you sit and talk during the movie anyway. I went out with some people after and for a few hours. It was nice. Of course, after getting all freaked out by the movie and being home alone late at night, I decided to stay up until five am watching The Prince of Darkness, the scariest american movie ever made. Because what am I? A jackass.

Last night I went to the pit to see Jen Nails show before she takes it to Scotland. She is the best. I loved that it was still packed on the weekend of the dcm. I loved that I knew a lot of people there, and I loved that I kind of loved the people there that I knew. That's a little heartwarming smooch from me to you. Not that you were there, or maybe you were. Anyway.

Popsickle
I'm so glad it's Friday.  It's a stupid thing to say, but it's the truth.  I need sleep. I need fun times. 

I worked out yesterday.  I put my hair in pigtails and did 22 minutes on the eliptical.  A third of what I used to do.  Whatever.  I'm building up to it, okay?  This gym is 10 times nicer than the place I belonged to in Buffalo.  I love it.  Towel service!  Yeah!   More than 4 cardio machines!  Awesome!
My life is a thrill.

So, what do you do when you have a tiny bit of contact with a person, mild interaction, not even close to being friends yet, but you want to be, and then you have a painfully awkward exchange in which he visibly recoils at your offered hand (for shaking)?  Do you write a run-on sentence about it?  Because I did.  Do you make the decision to never have any contact with this person again?  Because I should have.  I may have misread the signals he was putting out, but it was rather ugly moment. 

I think I've just described my first interactions with everyone I've ever liked or respected.  I think the cure is to stop liking people.  That actually worked in the "big secret crush-no more" campaign.  I found a way to stop liking him as a boyfriend replacement, and I was able to relax around him enough to start liking him again as a guy.  So I could look across the table at him and participate in the conversation, not flutter my lashes and cackle at everything he said.  We're making some real progress, here.  God, what a moronic thing to talk about.

 
I can't wait until Kerry is the president.  His speech last night was amazing.  Whenever he said something perfect I would point at the tv and say, "Yes!  HE gets it!"  to no one in particular.  I'm registered to vote here in the city.  I can move the doohickey with my fingers, no absentee crap that won't even be counted.  This is important to me. 
I can make anything trivial.  Try me.

Hey!   I know those guys!

So, yeah.  I'm socially retarded.  I went to a show last night and I introduced myself to one of the guys after.  That kind of thing makes me hate myself a whole lot.  It takes courage, sure, so I should be proud of myself.  I'm too embarassed of the way I look, sound and act to enjoy any social interaction.  Whatever.  It was a fun night.   Also, Steve Burns will be there next month.  Yes, that Steve Burns. Sshhhh.

I joined a gym yesterday.  Yay, me.

Some things that are true:

1. I need way too much positive reinforcement.
2. It's hard to know the difference between "going after the thing you want" and "being a presumptuous asshole".
3. There's no "r" in "petty".  Think about it.
4. Some people can be pricks.
5. Other people can be really, really awesome.
6. Enough unsolicited life coaching can make you believe you might be mentally impaired.
7.  Coffee makes my stomach sad.
8.  Mashed potatoes wants to be dinner every night.  It can't be.
9.  I don't call my parents enough.
10. I get deja vu way more than normal people.
11.  I almost made a deja vu joke here, but I restrained myself.

Why do I agonize over everything?

s-e-x-x-y
It's got to be close to 30 degrees in here.  No shit.  I like it colder but this is stupid.

I had my first improv show last night!  Oh, wait, no. 
I'm a dick.
It was good, everybody was great.  I got all swept up in "we did it!" which was fun.  I didn't do much.  Two fun, little scenes.  I still feel like I'm being a dick.  I don't know why.  I'm not being not-nice.  Whatevs.  Over it.

I thought taking a nyquil gelcap at 1:30 in the morning would help me sleep.  It kicked in around 2:30, and kept kicking in until I tossed myself out of couch at 7:30am, right around when I'm supposed to leave for work.  Yeeesh.  I'm kind of woosy.

I did the show on Saturday, and they kind of unofficially, indirectly asked me to join their group.  I pretty much turned it down, without giving them a good reason.  It's just not where I want to make a home for myself.  Maybe I'll realize one day that that was the wrong thing to do.  Whatever.  I'm not big on open-ended Saturday night commitments anyway.  I hope they're not pissed off at me, because I want to keep dropping in.  It's hard to get excited about joining a group when a lot of the members spent a night over beers complaining to me about how bad/boring/low energy their shows are.  I don't want to be the new baby sister that will fix mommy and daddy's marriage.  (Too honest?)

So, I don't really know what to say about this clown workshop I took this weekend.  It wasn't what it sounds like at all.  I expected a movement class, I got drama therapy.  People cried.  I did get an understanding of what a difference it makes to be true in performance.  I took a lot away from it, not necessarily what I wanted, but definitely something I needed.  I walked out feeling really vulnerable and in touch with my feelings, but after a few hours I started to feel really kind of mad.  I don't know why yet.   I'm also really sore, which is weird because it wasn't a movement class.   

I'm on the biggest learning curve of my life.  I feel like I'm aging and maturing.  It's happening so fast I can see it.  It's like I'm hitting puberty again, but with less crying.  It's kind of cool.