An amalgamation of jejune apercus

The inspection is now done. Time for a second one. There was a slight sinking of one corner of the house, which may or may not be a big deal, and thus someone dealing with foundations has to come look at it. It's not that surprising with the age of the house, but it is one more thing to back up the process of attempting to close before New York.

In addition to that, the whole roof will need replacing. Not just the shingles, but the whole thing. There was no insulation. I talked to some friends, and again, it wasn't surprising given how old the house is. It'll cost something like 5000 bucks to replace. The furnace is old and needs to be replaced in the next year or so as well, but that's only a thousand bucks, and I have a family connection hopefully. The water heater is the same.

So those are the problems. I'm hoping that we can get the bank to bring down the price a little, but I don't think they will. Apparently they have a strong back-up offer if I decide I don't want the house, though they would have to disclose to future potential buyers the results of my inspection, which may or may not give them incentive to help me out. Even if they don't, I think it's still well worth the price I'm paying. It's just whether or not I'll personally be able to scrimp and save enough to deal with everything wrong and make the payments. I may need to get a roommate. Start selling my plasma again. Get a lot of blankets and layer my clothes come winter. And forget cable and internet, which I'd already been planning on. The library is close enough for the internet, and I don't really watch tv all that much. I can read, and spend my time making my house even more awesome. I guess if nothing else, all this gives me something to channel my energy towards.

I feel like I should be more ecstatic about the house, and I am really most of the time, but I find myself more stressed and bummed out lately than I'd like. Part of it is me missing a stupid boy I can't seem to get over, whose presence in my life is anything but predictable, but seems pretty necessary just the same. Which makes it hard when he's not there and looks to never be again. I think I actually am getting a little better as far as that goes, meaning I find myself finally wanting to move on, because frankly, I can't stand hurting this much anymore. Hope he's doing okay. I was actually doing fine before the last couple of days, but actually finding a house has taken away that distraction. I do of course have my certification exam to worry about one week from today. I'm freaking out quite a little bit about that. It might be the one thing that's making everything else seem so much more of a big deal. It will be nice to have that out of the way.

On a related note, apparently I didn't graduate this spring. I had this one credit class that was added to the program for the first time the semester I took it. It was entirely a group research paper/project, which was time consuming for a one credit class and which I did, but she wanted us to do a 6 week rotation journal as well. Keep in mind that rotations took place before this class even started, and were too stressful to be worrying about a stupid journal. I ended up taking notes on them, then promptly lost them. Turns out that one journal assignment was worth enough of my grade that without them I failed. They basically gave me remedial work, which was in essence the journal assignment. At least 6 pages summarizing my rotation experience. I wrote 9, and with plenty of time to spare before graduation. She read it, then gave me the minimal passing grade, because apparently the actual quality of the work didn't matter. I was fine with that, but then she decided it would be awesome to just not change my Incomplete into an actual grade till summer semester. So knowing all along exactly what grade she was going to give me, she couldn't find the time to actually change the stupid grade. I finally get a letter last week saying I have to reapply for graduation, so now I guess I graduate this Friday, August 7th. Awesome story, right?

So I have to study for this test and take it, get my car windshield replaced and car inspected some time this month, find adequate home insurance, get the foundation looked at, try to renegotiate with my bank, get a house appraisal, finish planning and paying for New York, close... Then once I get the house I need to move in, find a fridge, refinish the wood floors in the bedrooms, and do all the little stuff that needs to be done.


























I went and saw 500 Days of Summer at the Broadway Theatre by myself the other day. Man I love seeing movies by myself. Especially in smaller theaters. I just love movies, and the movie theater experience. Anyway, I ended up really loving this movie, though it was kind of depressing. Not for just anyone, but for people who know how that kind of a situation feels. I found myself drawing way too many correlations between it and my current situation. Which made it easier and harder to deal with. It's good to know I'm not the only one out there making stupid relationship decisions, or feeling more than the other person. You look at these two people, and the amazing connection they have, and at how it's exactly what one of them wants, but falls short of what the other is looking for, but doesn't realize they're looking for. And you feel completely confused that anyone could walk away from that, though it all makes sense in the end. But doesn't make it any less hard for the person who wants it so badly to deal with. I kind of felt pathetic after seeing it, and eager to move on so I wouldn't be that pathetic. Still, I don't know if I'm ready, though I long for it. I also came out of the theater totally wanting to marry Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character. Or just him in general. He's pretty attractive to me actually. Anyone like his character would be, physically and personality-wise. I wish guys like that actually existed, because I have my doubts. You can get close, but then they're flawed or not meant for you. I love Zooey Deschanel as an actress and singer a lot of times too, and honestly, she did a great job in this role. Oh, unrequited love.

House inspection today. Here's hoping everything turns out okay, because if they find something hugely wrong with it, things may not be going on as planned. I'll be meeting the guy at 430 with my dad so someone will be there who speaks "fix-it" will be there. He'll know the severity of all the problems, because apparently the inspector is a very thorough one. I also have to call ASCP today about my certification exam, because something may prevent me from taking it as planned next Wednesday, though I'm still not ready and I work this week, so I'm bound to freak out a bit. I'm hoping I can get it done already, and that I won't have to reapply and pay another 200 bucks. And I still have to pick a company to go with for home insurance. This is proving to be more stressful than I like. Coverage, liability coverage, deductible, how far your house is to a hydrant and a fire station... There are a million questions and decisions to make. And they don't make it easy to get a quote. The internet is evil, and I don't think I like my auto insurance agent enough to go through her for my house. So I've got to deal with that, and an appraisal, but I think my financial guy has everything else he needs just about. Hopefully this will produce a speedy closing, because if it doesn't happen before the 25th of August, I'm in trouble. It has to happen on or before the 31st contractually, and I'll be in New York the 25th through 31st. I really thought the stress would be over when I found the house and had an offer accepted. And I just remembered, I need to have my car inspected this month. Shoot.

On a bright note, I went to an auction with my mom on friday. My parents find amazing deals, and these auctions can actually be a lot of fun. We got a couple of huge pallets of random and not so random furniture, and I've spent the weekend (between all the babysitting I was coerced into) putting them all together. It was a returns auction, so some of the pieces were missing, or didn't come with all of the nuts and bolt, but with the help of my dad we fixed all the ones I wanted and I'm feeling pretty good and handy. I've been watching the DIY channel, so I'm definitely in the mood to make a home. And now I have leftover wood and stuff from what I didn't use to make many magical household objects with. Not to mention patio/porch furniture, a desk, coffee tables, living room chairs, kitchen chairs... Mainly I just need a satisfactory kitchen table, and possibly a couch? I don't think I need one right away, but whatever. I do need a fridge sooner than later, and a tv eventually, though the latter can wait indefinitely as far as I'm concerned. The only reason I can see to have one is to entertain guests. And by the way, if any guests injure themselves on my property and incur damages to their person that exceed 100,000 dollars, I will not be inviting them over again.

I don't know why, but they're putting in an oven before I move in. I'm not complaining, I just thought I would have to find my own. The price of the house was worth paying, even without a stove and fridge.


This picture and the bedroom are from the realty website, so they have been elongated, but you get the picture.




Imagine this without carpet, because it's the first thing to go. I think they are re-carpeting, which they started before I had a chance to stop them. But it doesn't affect how much I'm paying for the house, so...oh well. There are wooden floors underneath. The other bedroom looks similar to this one.

This is the third bedroom, which is much smaller, but could be an excellent office--once the carpet is removed. I like the french doors though.




The backyard has the brick patio lining, and a brick one car garage with a keypad entry. The left side of the house has a cement type fence, and I believe there is a tree also on that side, but I didn't take pictures of it for some reason. It's better looking in person. It has great access to sunlight, and I can't wait to put in a garden.










Here is the entrance to the basement, through the backyard. It is small, but perfect for what I need it for. I can totally put a kiln and two wheels down here, and it has a water source, which is good. It by far needs the most work, but I plan on re-cementing the shelf part, or something like that, and putting cabinets around the basement on the shelf for drying clay and the like.

Today I accomplished absolutely nothing. I studied a little in the morning, but quickly became discouraged and instead found myself watching a copy of Harry Potter I picked up at work on my ipod/comp. Throughout the day I accomplished some writing in my journal, some other internet surfing, and watched a marathon of Bones on the tele. I feel very boring and pathetic at the moment, but am okay with it really. After the week I had at work, I really just wanted to loaf. Mission accomplished. Mainly it was just slow, and I was discouraged.

I had found this house last week that I absolutely loved. By Liberty Park, brick, amazing porch, wooden floors, fireplace, built in nice wooden china cabinet, beautiful natural varnished wood around the windows, 3 bedrooms (one of which was small/office sized and had french doors), open kitchen, brick laid back porch, brick garage with keypad and vines growing on the side, decent sized yard with lots of sun, and a basement with it's own entrance in the back which was unfinished and small, but a perfect size and openness for a potter's studio. Decently priced as a bank owned approved price. I loved it. I put a full listing price bid in for it. There were 2 or 3 other offers. I was told they had accepted someone else's offer. I was crushed for days. I haven't really seen much else in the days that have followed. I had been considering a foreclosure next to Westminster, but after seeing that house I couldn't look past its flaws (namely the backyard size and openness to the yard next door and apartment building next door, low power lines, the apartment buildings around, and the shared driveway with the place next to it). Also, it was more expensive on account of being so far east (which I liked), but was so far south. I like Sugarhouse Park, but I like Liberty Park better. Even though it has more sketchy characters. Still, they're more fun to take pictures of. And less expensive. The area, not the people. And easier to sell when you're ready to upgrade. I don't see myself moving anytime soon, but you never know. The Westminster house hadn't had any other offers/interest. Which made it easy to put in an offer and get a counter, but you always wonder why it's not selling. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't quite what I was looking for, and there was a slight feeling of unease. For my parents too. I think it would have been fine probably, but I would have had doubts, wondered if I'd done the right thing, and had something better come along later, I might have regretted it. And there were things to be improved upon; and even though the price was good for where it was at, it was still at the upper end of my budget. Buying a house that's mostly what you want already I think is the way to go.

So the housing front has been hard. Work has been slow, and thus boring. I have my certification exam coming up, in 2 weeks to be precise, and it will be hard and no amount of studying will help me (so I've heard) so I'd better do a good job at guessing. Boys are always frustrating to me, especially one with the way he pops in and out of my life. I really just wanted something good to happen to take my mind off the anxiety and stress. I kind of reached a point of giving up. Then my realtor called me. He said the first offer for my house had fallen through, and they wondered if I was still interested. They resubmitted my offer to the bank today. We asked if we needed to change it at all, and all the agent said was to increase the earnest money check. I should hear back from them tomorrow. Probably with a counter offer? I just don't know. It seems everybody says something different, and it never all adds up together. It seems everyone is out for themselves in this world of ours. I'm really tired of looking for a house. If I don't get this one, I don't know if I'm capable of finding one. I can't stand to keep getting excited for houses, and then subsequently find myself emotionally crushed when some imperfection about the house arises, or the price. I need to get out of my parents' house though. I need to sleep in a bed again. Without everyone waking up so early and then waking me up so early when already I get off work so late and then have to travel half an hour. I'll also be incredibly disappointed for the second time over this house if I don't get it. I hate waiting and not knowing. Patience will never be one of my strengths. I feel bipolar or something.

I guess I could have written about Goblin Valley, Lake Powell, or backpacking it up to Lake Blanche, but who would I be if I were not focussing on all of the bothersome things in my life? Next time.

My sister-in-law told me about this feature on here that lets you schedule blog posting. As in, you write a bunch of posts, then schedule them to appear every so often. I decided to try this out. Even though I have absolutely nothing to say. Nothing anyone would want to hear anyway, including myself. So this is here now, but it was written on the 6th of July. Nothing short of miraculous...if it works. By the by, the picture here has nothing to do with anything. Just thought I'd make that perfectly clear. Though I'm sure it must be speaking to my psyche on some level for me to have chosen it.

Yeah, so my sister-in-law has been in town with my two nephews I rarely get to see. My 9 month old nephew Nathan is a total marshmellow. Pretty cute. He's also extremely mellow, and looks a lot like my brother, only very blond. Josh is 3 or something now, and is kind of shy, smart, and stubborn. But also cuter than I thought would be the case having been born of my brother. J/K; my brother turned into a very decent human being. Josh looks more like his mom, but definitely reminds me of my brother in a lot of ways. Ryan (said brother) is still in Arizona because being a resident is more demanding than anything else in the world apparently, and is especially bad in one's second year. I have zero desire to ever become a doctor.

I have to go back to work tomorrow, which will be old news by the time this posts. Part of me is excited, and another part of me doesn't want to go. I guess not having a living place makes one eager to go somewhere where one (temporarily) belongs. Even if it is only to perform someone else's grunt work. And I get to see a lot of people I really enjoy who I don't see, or see much of, when I'm not at work. I have a feeling there may be some drama when I get there, though it has nothing to do with me. I really thank the Lord that everyone seemed to sense the extreme sadness and worry in me when my own drama was happening, and thus left me alone and didn't bring it up in the lab. It made me respect a lot of people more. I wonder if it's just the other week that's so into gossip. I really just couldn't tell, since I have very little exposure to my opposite week.

Heard back from my short sale. They countered at 199,000. I said no. I don't think 185 was unreasonable for the amount of money and effort that will need to be put into that place over the next few years to make it worth what the other houses on the street are worth, and frankly, I'd already be paying more than I should for a house. It was just too perfect of a location not to try for. I really hope they just can't find anyone else to give them more, so that they'll come back to me and offer it at the price I want it at. Anyone willing to pay more is an idiot, and I think they'll realize it later.

Which brings me to the other house I put in a offer for. Perfect in most ways, and not a bad location, but the price they have it listed for is too much for something west of 700 East, the furnace is well over 11 years old, the electrical is 80% new (which means 20% not new), and it has a swamp cooler. It's been kept in great condition, has a great garden/backyard, wooden floors, fireplace...but no one would pay 184 for that location (even if it does seem like a really nice neighborhood) and only 2 beds 1 bath unless it'd been renovated. And they're not willing to go down at all. At first their real estate agent told us it was overpriced, but then suddenly decided to tell them they could get the price they're asking. Which frankly might be true. Some sucker caught up in the moment will probably give them that without thinking, and then they'll realize later they weren't thinking straight. Man I hate looking for houses. And being homeless.

I really don't know what else I've accomplished this week off. I found a lot of houses, and had a lot of dreams crushed. I put in a few more offers today, but they're short sales. I figured I might as well, considering nothing else has jumped out at me. I guess I did go camping with family this weekend. It was mostly fun. There were portions that were less fun, such as it being too rainy and windy to get much fishing done, but it was still nice to get out of dodge for a while.

Devin just passed his board exam. I'm more jealous than I can say. He's smarter than me, and it was really hard for him. I might cry a little. Now and when I actually take it. I'm not ready. I need to get some serious studying in this week, and actually schedule a date to take it. For right now I'm going to go eat pie with Devin. I need to find that kid a gourmet waffle iron for letting me stay with him. It's nice to have a place to crash on my on-weeks, with the alternative being to drive 30 minutes to my parents' house at 1-2 in the morning. Speaking of driving, I just replaced my two rear tires. It was expensive, and killed a little bit of my soul. I also need to get a new windshield and possibly a bumper before the end of August, at which point my car inspection is due. Happy Birthday to me. And speaking of the end of August, I really do need to plan New York. I really don't like having so many things in my life right now that cost money.

I found the perfect house the other day. I want it so badly I can't stand it. I could probably stand it, but I'd rather not. I'm actually putting in an offer, but it's a short sale, so there are no guarantees and me not getting it is an extreme likelihood. But it's exciting to be pre-approved and moving forward. And it would be great to get it, though expensive. It's in the perfect location, 9th East and about 13th South, and is less than any house normally would be there; but still it's my upper limit and the first few years would be uncomfortable. It has the most magnificent front yard with foliage and porch, wide open living space, 2 rooms, large attic, unfinished basement I could see turning into a pottery studio, and a decently sized backyard with deck and much potential for a garden among other things. The whole thing screams potential. It's not perfect, and it would require a lot of cosmetic work over the years, but the guts are good. I think it very much could be me. And I very much want something to devote my time to lately. I need a project, because just right now I don't want a life. I'm not ready to be happy yet, just productive. I don't know why it feels so right, but even my sister who is extremely critical of homes has a good feeling about it. We'll see. I suspect it might not be the most important thing I ever do or deal with, but it is important.

There are of course other houses I'm looking at, and that I will hopefully go see tomorrow and Monday, so if I do find something else amazing I'm not going to pass it up for a pipe dream...but I'm not in a hurry here. I can spend some time on this. I'm okay with being homeless in the meantime, so I won't rush into something I will regret.

I've been looking into different real estate agents subsequently. I ended up going with someone who was a friend of my brother-in-law's father. I think he'll do, but I don't know how crazy I am about him. He's a nice guy and people like him, I think he'll do an okay job, but he does have a habit of rambling off the subject sometimes and of being more busy (with other clients) than I'd like ; it makes me wonder if I'll be able to look at things as quickly as I'd like. But honestly, I think most people would fall short on how quickly I'd like to look at things some of the time. My schedule is hard to ascertain in advance. I think I'm okay with making my own meetings and going to them just with my sisters if I have to. I had a million recommendations for realtors, but I wanted to act quickly on a few properties, and I didn't want to have any more initial meetings before looking at them. Also, I would feel badly making a bunch of people potentially think I'd be working with them, and then not. And of course there's the lazy factor. As cautious as I am, I'm also more timid than I'd like, and I don't want to be an adult that much. If I chose the wrong realtor all on my own, that would suck. As it is, all my family was there with me and felt fine about him, so whatever. I think he's an honest guy, and I guess that's pretty important. I could be wrong, but I've never had a realtor before, and thus have no idea of what to expect of one.

I find myself writing a lot lately. Probably too much. Not on here, but everywhere else. I started keeping a journal, and then I got crazy into writing some letters for a while there, and though it's sort of a release to let some things go and get other things out via writing, I can't help but think I went overboard. I think that just because you can say something, doesn't mean you should. Yet, keeping things inside can be so harmful, or painful, or something. I used to be so closed off, and I think a part of me wanted to work on that and become more open, but now a part of me wants to go back to the way I was. I don't quite know how to cope in an outward fashion. I want to keep things to myself unless I have a good reason to disclose them, because some things might hurt people, no matter how unintentional they were. I think I say things now without thinking, and before I would have thought very hard about them before deciding whether or not any good would come of saying them. Or whether more harm would come than good. I hate that. You can be an honest person without saying everything. It's just not so easy to go back to quiet, even though I know I'm not very good at being outspoken. I don't know how to go about it. But frankly there will always be things I will overthink, and I will always hold myself back in certain ways when I do overthink. I'm still a cautious person, but obviously not cautious enough in the right ways. I just can't help it. I closed off my emotions and feelings from other people for so long, and for a while there it was really hurting me, and the only way I got out of that dark place was by surrounding myself with positive and being open and honest, fighting that desire to keep it to myself. And now I can't keep anything to myself. And I have hurt a really good friend by saying what I should have waited to say, or said differently. Or maybe said all along, instead of holding it all in till it had to come out in the worst way possible.

I think it's just life really, but it sucks all the same. And now he's hurting and I'm hurting, and I don't see the end to the hurting.

I am far from a good blogger recently, but I figure it's about time. Plus it's when I'm sad, lonely, bored that I decide to write, so it's kind of fitting.

I've been trying to find a house recently. It is hard work, and I don't think I'm adult enough to handle it by myself. It's something I've never been good at--being an adult--but I've been working on it lately. Luckily my mom and two sisters seem up to the job...that is when their lives don't get in the way. I have a pre-approval already, some perspective houses I'm waiting to hear back on as to when I can view them, and a potential real estate agent--though he's out of town till the 15th and I don't really want to wait that long to get going. He's a friend of my brother-in-law's dad and he seems good, but he's nothing to me. More than anything I wish my good friend Berta's husband could be my agent, but alas, they're out of the state for the summer. I did find out how to borrow against my 403k, which is apparently a ridiculously easy process. My friend Jason told me so. He just bought a condo, so he should know. My good friend Devin also recently bought a condo. I am there right now, because he's in Hawaii, and I have to work in Salt Lake tomorrow and don't trust myself to wake up and work a morning shift if I'm not close to work. I really hate that I agreed to work on my off week, especially since I just found out my lil sis's baby's blessing is tomorrow. He's adorable when he's not screaming, but that's acid reflux for you. I'm also slightly bummed to be homeless right now, though I brought it on myself. It's not so bad really, I'm just in a mood to feel sorry for myself at the moment. Which mainly has to do with a boy, which I can mention because he doesn't know about this, and because that's all I'm saying about that. I do feel better being out of my old place and saving money. My stuff is currently in a storage unit, and I have friends and family who are nice enough to set me up for the night. Devin is my hero right now for being so graciously accommodating while he's out of town. I need to buy some stuff for his place to say thanks. He's also putting my fish up until I find a house. This is a big deal, because I didn't think about them before I turned in my month's notice. Six semi-aggressive fish and a 29 gallon tank take up some space, and they need to be fed and stuff. I also didn't think about plug location before filling the tank with water, and now there is a power cord that goes across the kitchen. I'm counting on Devin being the most understanding, least likely to be bothered person I know on that count.

Speaking of fish, mine are a little stressed at being in a new place. I keep being surprised that I haven't managed to kill them yet, and I hope that stays the same. I did manage to get my catfish stuck in the net trying to get him into a bag during the moving process (stupid defensive arm and top fin barbs),
then had to cut him out. He has a nicked top fin and a piece of green net stuck on his side fin now. I feel simultaneously guilty and ticked off at him. None of them have been eating well; I think I've thrown them off of their regular morning eating schedule, especially with the difference in lighting.

And with all of that, I now have to go to bed. I feel so stupid going to bed at 9 pm, but I will not be able to get up before 5 am if I don't. I'm not good at early mornings, but I don't want to let anyone down, and I want to get out of there as soon as possible. I think I need to stay longer anyway, but an earlier start is always better. I hope I can force myself to be in the mood to work. Mornings are busier, I haven't worked one in quite some time, and very few of the people will be ones I'm used to working with. Oh well.

I think I may be a bit of a glutton for punishment. Kind of a cliche saying, but it works so well. So much good has been happening lately, and it seems like the only time I write is when I'm unhappy, questioning life, second-guessing myself... Hence I haven't written in a while.

Graduation is within a hairs breadth and it feels so good...assuming I haven't botched it up by putting off taking my chemistry rotation exam or by not turning in my rotation journals. I really hope that doesn't hold me back. And that they let me take that exam. Stupid rotations. But school is not what is worrying me.

I want to fix problems; be entirely non-judgmental towards everyone, make people happy, change lives for the better. But I don't know how. Or if that even fixes anything. How much of an effect can one person have on another? How much does a person need to do on their own, and how much do they need others? What if in trying to help, one actually makes it worse by contributing to actions that encourage future unhappiness, and all for the sake of acceptance? But what if you can't help it because it comes so naturally?

It's funny that whenever I have important things to do--like homework so I can not fail out of college a month away from graduation--I get on these movie watching kicks. I watched a freak-load of them this week. It was my week off of work, so I was supposed to brush up on my microbiology, so I don't look quite so clueless during my rotations at St. Marks, plus I still have to forge 6 weeks worth of rotation journals (which was technically due more than a week ago)...but did I? Not on your previous existence.

Instead I went to the video store and pretty much bought them out. I forced my friend Jason to watch Mars Attacks! with me, because I had the weirdest craving to watch it after some people at work mentioned it last week (incidentally, who remembered that Jack Black was in that? Not me. He was so skinny I didn't even recognize him. There were a lot of people in there actually, not to mention it was directed by Tim Burton with music by Danny Elfman? How did I not remember that?) I'd never seen Rushmore, but I like stuff by Wes Anderson, especially if Bill Murray is in them, so that was a must. Clerks was a prior recommendation I forgot about, which I likewise enjoyed and probably should have seen much sooner than I did. For good measure I threw in Rachel Getting Marries, Capote, and Days of Heaven.

Rachel Getting Married was better than I thought it would be. Well thought out and touching all of the right nerves. I cried like a baby during several parts of course, because if there is a semblance of sad in a movie, I will find it and cry over it. I haven't watched Capote or Days of Heaven yet, but I look forward to watching a classic 70's Richard Gere movie, which I guess is supposed to be visually stimulating, and Philip Seymour Hoffman dramatically portraying Truman Capote.

I got to help throw a baby shower yesterday, and thanks to my good friend Paige, I didn't screw up my responsibilities. I said goodbye to two of my Lon Dolls for the summer, and got to later hang out with old high school friends I still like...all in the same day. Not bad. I also hung out with my sister's pretty cute baby, got a manicure (very strange I know), and ate Greek/copied music/watched the Office and 30 Rock with Heidi.

Right now I'm lamenting the return of snow and finding the inspiration to clean my room, while feeling guilty I still haven't tackled my homework. I tell myself that a clean place to study is a must, and that I really only need to rush the rewriting of my culture identifications tomorrow to be alright school-wise. It's kind of the first day I haven't hung out with anyone, and it's sort of refreshing. I love people, but I think I still have some pretty reclusive habits, and it's a relief to just loaf around once in a while. I was going to climb and hang out with my friend Tarris, but there is no way I'm driving to Ogden right now with my driving skills. Only now that I've said that I kind of feel like a long drive and contemplation...

I had some funny experiences today at school talking to some people from Core lab. I don't think I could ever work there, because I would be bored out of my mind, but I kind of love everyone I've come into contact with.

Today I spent my morning up in the cafeteria talking with Bob Costa and having him help me fill out homework documents. I got just as much of his life experiences, and I've got to say, I'm sad I don't come into contact with him more, because he is hi-lar-i-ous. His humor was often cutting, he said "this is my joke" various times before saying how he saw things, and really just made me laugh. We talked about traveling, my life's goals, his divorce and ex-wife who still works there, eating fish, arsenic poisoning, people messing up at their jobs, why New York and California have so many more specifications than anyone else for testing, and a slew of other things. He totally made my day. And I got out of there by 11, even after meeting with Ellen to go over my review, who is also a delightful person. The test looks to be cake, but I still have quite a few homework exercises to finish that I really don't want to.

I also saw a fantastic show last night (Andrew Bird) which no doubt has contributed to my good mood. He has such a pretty voice. Very talented, and it constantly amazes me that he can make all the different sounds he does just with a violin. And that whistling--I'm so jealous he can whistle like that. I'm actually jealous of anyone who can whistle right now. I used to be able to, but now it's like the elusive art of trilling/rolling r's to me. I just can't reach it. Oh well. One day I will be a master triller.

I've been wondering a lot lately about whether or not I'm some sort of weird bipolar. A kind without the mania, but that has many other mood alterations that occur within days to minutes. Mainly I just think I'm stressed and tired. No matter how much I like my surroundings, or aspects and people within my life, they all seem to evaporate at certain moments along with reasonable thought, only to be replaced with the sure conviction that I will never be finished with school. It's kind of become the bane on my existence. Because for as long as it lasts, I really can't devote any time to all of the aspects of my life that need working on. My typical day consists of school then either work or homework, followed by a very small amount of sleep. I don't think I'm the kind of person who can stand to do the same things day in and day out. I need some variation. Right now I'm home from school and doing homework because I have to be competent on doing cell differentials by tomorrow when I have a practical test on them. I did them for the first time in about 6 months today. All I have done today is school related stuff. I might burst any moment because there just isn't time for anything else. I think the true cause of the "bipolar" moments/days is that whenever I have a really good day/moment, I inevitably compare it to the current stressed out version of my life, to past happinesses, and then I have a hard time adjusting back to crappy.

Kind of a side note: went to Devotchka's concert last night with Heidi. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. Better than I thought. I officially love them right now more than I feel I can really express. It's been a while since I've been to a good concert, but I could never have guessed it would be that good just from listening to the cd of theirs I have. One of the most enjoyable I've ever been to. I guess I could go on to say why, but I don't really feel like it at the moment, and let's face it, I'd best get back to my homework. Also another side note: I actually kind of enjoy my rotations right now. I mean, I'm stressed because it's school, and 6 straight hours of looking at cells in microscopes would get to anyone, but other than that it's been a really positive experience. Maybe I need to focus and write about the positive things happening to keep all of the rest at bay. I think that will have to wait till another day though, because as I stated, I have to be competent at cell diffs by tomorrow. If I can get through tomorrow, life will be sweet for another 3, maybe 4 days. I get to watch movies with friends tomorrow night, hang out with my sisters Saturday, hang out with other friends Sunday or Monday, and I have the weekend to finish my packet full of questions/information that will help me study for my 3 exams next week. Here's to hoping my Mac will read the cd of Hematology they gave me today.

So I added a new song to my playlist which I remembered that I love. I do that sometimes...find myself listening to a song I decide I love, but then forget about, so then I don't get my hands on it and I forget that it exists entirely. But I remembered the other day when I was listening to another song that I decided I love, at work due to a Russian co-worker of mine being stuck in the 90's (what can I say, it brought me back to my middle school years--Run DMC's "It's Like That"). He says they're at least 10 years behind there. And actually, I didn't even remember this song then, just that there were a couple of songs I needed to remember. It took me a while to remember what song exactly. What I really remembered right away was that I heard it on my way to go vote...so yeah, it was quite a while ago. Anyway, it's Mason Jenning's "I love you and Buddha too." It reminded me of an Institute class I took a while back, and how my professor got so excited about all the different religions we learned about, because you definitely can find a lot of truth and excellent teachings in all of them. I guess I'm not really sure what I believe in lately, religious-wise, but I like to think there's a God out there, and if so the best thing we can do to reverence him is to be as accepting of people as He is of us.

Something a friend said to me last night is really bothering me. Like no matter how hard I try not to, I can't help but stew over it, and over-analyze its implications. I hate that I'm like that now. I mean, I've always carefully thought through most everything in my life, but about 5 years ago I briefly became a somewhat extroverted person, for about 3 years to varying degrees. Not to the point where I was entirely devoid of caution in my carefully constructed actions, but I spent a little less time thinking and more time acting on whims that made me happy and taking things at face value. I was less judgmental because I assumed there was goodness in everything and everyone, even if buried deeper in some, and the world held a lot of happiness for me. More than that I was content and going exactly where I wanted to end up. I've gotta say, I'd give anything to be back at that point right now. I think it's possible to get back there, but not without a lot of pain and effort, and I don't know if I have the strength or desire at the moment. All I can do is hope that once I graduate I'll have enough of the stress and anxiety off of my plate to try.