Ever since I met you.

“You really think as time goes by I will stop feeling pain altogether? How naive.”

Just because I act normal, doesn’t mean I feel normal.

Some things are clear enough. You don’t have to say it straight in my face.

After everything, maybe I’m just being used as a tool. Our entire friendship/relationship/whatever-you-call-it is just not something you give a shit about.

This isn’t what crushes me.

What crushes me is the hate for myself for feeling that way. Such thoughts disgusts me. It makes me feel less human. 

And i’m tired of her making me think and feel that way.

Kinda came out of nowhere. Maybe because I was being too blatantly obvious. But we finally got a break from school and everything and so she finally asked:

“Do you expect her to know that you like her?”

I hesitated. At that moment I knew whatever I say might affect what will happen. But I decided to go with the truth. No more secrets. And I’m glad about it because we managed to talk about it.

And stay friends.

I should be contented. It was better than losing her from just loving her. But now that we both know how I feel towards her, I think we don’t really know how to move on from there. Well, for me at least.

Part of me wants to be closer to her and to spend more time alone. But I can’t. Just can’t. For the sake of the both of us I need the feeling to be gone.

Easier said than done.

 

“I love you. I just can’t help it.”

 

I tried. I really tried.

But everytime I decided to give up and try to move on, she just draws me back to her. And I will just keep getting hurt in the process.

It just never fades. No matter how hard you try, you will just fall back in love in a split second. And it grows stronger every single time. I know it’s wrong but, I wanted to hold her hand, lock our arms together and hug her. I wanted to spend time alone with her for hours, just laughing or doing things together.

But the reality is this:

She simply sees me as a friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

Time’s almost up. Soon I will seek for an answer that may perhaps end the status quo. But at this point, I really rather her know about my feelings. Things will change, and I’m hoping she can accept those feelings and tie a resolute knot to it.

And yes, there will be closure finally.

“I’m sorry for being a jerk. For being an asshole. I was just hurt and frustrated. Being played around like that. I never wanted us to feel like this. I never wanted you to feel you that you are not on equal ground as me. I guess I’m the one responsible; how can I possibly blame you, when I never explicitly told you how I felt about you?”

“So I should get out of your life?”

At that moment, she gave me a choice.

But even after everything, the thought of losing you and not having her in my life is just unbearable. The pain from the things she did probably seemed much more bearable than the pain of losing her. And I said no.

But I guess, it will eventually happen.

 

Can’t even look me in the eye. Can’t even give me a proper lie.

I’m glad I didn’t get swept along. I probably would’ve regretted it. Thankful for the more important things in my life. And my priorities.

I’m of no significance to her anyway. And things she does to demostrate that seems to hurt much less now. Maybe because it’s happening so often I simply got used to it.

Yeah, I know. I sound like a loser. But I don’t care. None of it amounted to anything anyway. Like I said before, I’m just dumb to fall so hard.

Lots happened. And it came to a point where I was just so tired of trying. Tired of caring. Like no matter what I did, it didn’t mean anything to her. So I simply stopped. I tried giving up. I tried letting go.

Not like it matters right? Even if I vanished from your life, it wouldn’t make a difference. Not then, not now, not in the future.

And then today, she wanted an explanation. Why I was ignoring her. But how could I? Explaining would mean telling her everything. She didn’t want to know the truth. No matter how obvious it gets she just refuse to see it that way. If she was unwilling to understand, how do I tell her?

So I didn’t. I said it was nothing. I lied. And left it for another day.

I guess I’m weak. I guess I’m being selfish. But when I look at whole picture, it is actually better like this. No matter what you say, no matter what I do, we can only be that close. We can never cross the line.

And being near her when her heart belongs to someone else just tears me apart. That’s why it’s better like this.

Perhaps all I needed was some validation. That I wasn’t wrong falling in love with her. That everything I have done up to this point wasn’t a waste. That the past 15 months meant something anything. That at a certain point in the future, I look back and there are no regrets.

Because, even if I’m cyncial, I still believe that it can never be wrong telling someone how much you loved her.

 

That’s the reality isn’t it? That all of these were result of my own overthinking and one sided love. I actually laughed when she told me that at face value, because it actually make everything look so stupid and like a joke..

There’s nothing special, and there will never be. No matter how much we got closer (reality or my own delusion), nothing else is going to change. That’s the truth. That is how the story will end. I know it, but I just don’t want to believe in it.

False hope is a horrible thing. It leads you on and brings you to places you think you have a shot at. But when reality sinks in you simply realise there’s no point in investing so much, consciously or not.

But then, does it matter? She is the centre of my gravity. Everything else seems peripheral, even my priorities. That’s how deep I fell.

No matter how much I argue with and persuade myself, I always end up making a full circle: back to the same mistakes, the same actions. Pushing boundaries, expecting more.  And in the end, drained from trying to shoulder the weight of this secret but yet at the same time unable to let go.

All because I can’t explain why I am still in love with her.

Lots have happened for the past few weeks.

And I am learning how to deal with it everyday. Every time we are both alone together, I can’t help think that she already knows how I feel towards her. There are boundaries yeah, but sometimes when I push those boundaries she seems not to be bothered by it. And at times she would notice minor details and show like she cared and jealous about certain friendships I have with others, and this isn’t helping.

All these just make me feel as though I hold a certain special place in a heart.

But no. I don’t think so. It’s all a lie.

So why are we still doing this? Sure, it makes me happy that we are closer than before, but whenever our eyes meet we both know the end to this story. I’m nothing but just someone that can fill the gaps when she’s feeling alone, and all these physical contacts are nothing more than just like a pat on the shoulder.

I’m tired. I simply have no idea why do I subconsciously put in so much effort, care and love to her. It wanted to distance myself. But it seems impossible now. Again and again I fall back into the abyss.

I don’t expect anything from her. I just hope that it just get easier as time passes.

But I guess, is not that simple right?

It’s her big day. And I shall do what I can to make her happy. Even if it means giving her all the time and space with him.