Going beyond that 2.5

2014 was a year where I tried putting myself out there to find someone.

It ended on a sad note. Still alone, and will probably continue to be so for the next unknown number of years to come. It’s kinda something I have come to accept.

On a related note, I feel like getting off facebook altogether if not for the fact that I actually use fb messenger to stay in contact with some people. Alright, with the messenger app available now, maybe I can start doing that with no more excuses (except that I need it to entertain me because my steam for this internship is waning at an accelerated rate). I just can’t stand seeing those photos of couples living it up together and here I am, still as alone as before. Whatever, nothing has changed.

There are things to be done and such unnecessary feelings should be the last thing bothering me. Yet, I can’t help but feel rather miserable about it. 2014 had been such a tough year, it really has been. I just want to trust that 2015 will be a year of new beginnings and not one that lives in the shadows of 2014.

Oh. 2014 was also a year of shocking revelations and I simply cannot believe how tiny this world is; or maybe it’s just Singapore because let’s face it – SG is fucking small as a whole and it is hardly surprising that people from one circle know the other. Eeeeek. Honestly, I wouldn’t have been interested if not for the fact that I got directly involved in it and let’s just say that I managed to connect the dots and all of a sudden everything made sense after. It’s amazing. As a precaution, I decided to cut that person off altogether until the day we decide to talk again. It’s probably better that way.

– And wtf I’m still in shock that he’s so high-profile – AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So this space has been dead for a while. I’m extremely bored at work now so I’ve decided to post something instead just to kill 15 minutes (how pathetic).

There’s so much in my heart that I don’t even know how and where to begin. Maybe for a start, I am stoked to be able to head to the UK for an exchange in exactly 2 weeks’ time (which reminds me that my packing is in shambles..). Away from the shithole known otherwise as SMU, it certainly feels good to be going away for 5+ months after about 5 semesters.

However, prior to that, I still need to complete my internship. This is my second last week and I can’t wait for it to be over. I kinda regret extending the internship from 4 to 6 weeks now because I literally have no break before I fly to the UK. I thought it would be worthwhile extending it such that I stood a higher chance in securing myself a tc but honestly, I have no idea where I stand at all now. This is honestly quite a nice place and I would love to join this firm because I got along well with the associates here and it is a practice area that I enjoy as well. But yea, things won’t always go my way so I’m just going to keep my fingers crossed about it.

Oh, and the stupid administrator is such a biatch. I don’t even know if she will be helping me out in speaking to the partners about it. And seriously? She had the nerve to suggest working one extra day just because I took an mc the day before. I’d rather have my pay deducted than work an extra day (not that I can anyway given how tight my schedule already is), ah damn ridiculous.

This whole tc nonsense is just becoming unbearable. I’ve applied to so many places but i have got back nothing. Zilch. Zero. No phone calls, no favourable email replies, nothing. Fine, I know my grades ain’t stellar but I have worked so hard in the last semester that it did pull up my grades rather considerably. Yet, the biggest constraint is probably the fact that those modules that I did well in aren’t exactly law modules (with the exception of evi) but honestly, how is B+ even a bad grade? what the fuck. I duno how much longer can I take this whole nonsense about tc applications either. All that the law minister has said does not help at all. Firms are still super lukewarm with responding and with each passing day, my hope is also waning.

Sometimes I wished I hadn’t got into law, as much as I do enjoy the study of it. It makes me feel as though I should be embarking upon the path to becoming a lawyer even though I know that a law degree can bring one to quite a lot of places that need not necessarily be law-related. Maybe it’s the stigma associated with a law student not becoming a lawyer that really gets at me. I have a big ego and I just want to prove that I can do it too. Right now, I just want to get called to the bar so that I can close this chapter of mine and open another one after that. Whether or not I continue being a lawyer will be a story for another day I guess..

Oh god I’m just wasting time in office right now.

On a side note, other aspects of my life hadn’t been particularly exciting either. In fact, most of it happened at the end of 2014, which is a year that I am glad to be over and done with. It was such a BAD year, both for the world and for me. Seriously, 3 aviation incidents all in one year AND associated with the same country. Talk about coincidental much? Besides that, my own 2014 was filled with heartbreaks and reminders to self of moving on. I still can’t exactly find one that I like enough or that the feeling was reciprocated. It sucks man that feeling but this is one area where it can be outta my control. In particular, I felt led on by this idiot only to discover other things later. It’s good that I woke myself up in time sigh pie.

Alright, I’m done rambling for now. Please 2015, please be a better year?

It’s been a while. Just felt the urge to pen down something before I officially get started on my LTB revision.

So..it’s my second year in SMU now; in fact, my second year is coming to an end pretty soon. Though I can’t wait to graduate, a part of me actually wish that time could stood still. It’s not because I enjoy the tremendous workload here..not at all. But..maybe it’s the realisation that one day I’m gonna grow old – this isn’t the worst thing – it’s the realisation that I may be growing old all by myself.

This is a fear that I’m facing up. 23 years of my life but thus far, I haven’t met more than 5 people who can make my heart race.I’m beginning to wonder if I’m asexual after all, as though I’m devoid of all romantic feelings. Social media does no help as I see people posting their lovey-dovey photos of one another and hell I used to ‘like’ those photos for them. While I’m genuinely happy for those people around me, I can’t help but lament at the situation I am in.

But it is ok; I don’t think I really need anyone for now. After all, my studies are the most important right now. Yet I couldn’t help but feel a wave of sadness earlier on when I see her upload a new photo of her…and her bf. It was more of sadness than happiness for her; don’t get me wrong for I’m sure that guy is a great guy. Rather, I felt sad for myself. It was at that time then I realise..I have had feelings for her before. I never expressed it and now she’s gone.

To be honest I duno what’s exactly holding me back from professing. Maybe I’m afraid of failure and of rejection. Or maybe all these while I’ve been making nothing but excuses for myself. Alas, an opportunity gone. But I guess it’s fine; I doubt we would have made a great pair anyway hahahahahaha (consoling myself like an idiot).

Ah well, life goes on. Phew.

There’s a first to everything I guess.

This is probably the first time in my life when I’m not getting so many of the things I have set my sight on. Everything right now just feels like a huge mistake, like I’m fucking up big time. I duno, are there too many big fishes in this pond that I’m swimming in right now or am I just plain inadequate?

As I trudge through this tough year, it made me reflect a lot and realise that I could have well made a mistaken choice after all. I know it’s unhealthy and not constructive to think of the ‘what-ifs’ anymore, but sometimes, you really can’t help it. Would I have been happier had I gone to the UK instead? Perhaps I should have. I wouldn’t have to worry about getting a job because I would be on scholarship and there’ll be a nice cushy job waiting for me upon my return. And as a scholar, my career would be fast-tracked as well. Granted I probably won’t earn as much as compared to being a lawyer but in comparison to the rate now, I think there’s a very good chance I might end up starving to death.

My grades aren’t abysmal but they are certainly not good. I can’t even envisage myself practicing at all. My uni life had not exactly penned out according to the way I had intended it to. Time and again I ask myself, why am I staying up late reading all these shit cases and making notes when hell, I may not even get to practice at all in the near future?

With the stupid government and the latest initiative (third law school, what a fucking joke) and the liberalisation of the legal sector in these recent years, I can’t help but start to worry for myself. Now I worry that I can’t even clear the internship requirement of the school. Maybe it’s a case of being 输不起 because I have invested so much time and money into this nonsense that is law school. And how everyone around me ARE GOING to places. I couldn’t even get an internship with the AGC wtf. Truth be told, I felt crushed. I’m really starting to think this is not the line for me after all. 

I’m just blindly working hard now without a specific direction. And I hate this feeling of being lost the most. I guess there’s a reasonably good chance that I may not end up practicing in the end. Too many factors conspiring to kick me out of school by killing my GPA. FA and prop this sem, and FFL next sem. I was super reluctant to take FFL at first but then again, what do I have to lose? There’s no way my sucky GPA’s gonna hit 3.5 anymore. Don’t even know why am I working anymore.

It’s ridiculous how people think I’m good simply because I did AG’s cup. And now people think I’m gonna become some IM mooter and even do Jessup in the future. FUCK OFF everyone. I’m not gonna remain in this practice for long.

Well but having said all that, I do appreciate most of the friends I have made in law school. Some of them are really my good friends and I am thankful for having met them here. I guess the feng shui in smu is just against me. It was a mistake alright to have come here. The learning style here is not even for me but what to do? I’m in too deep already. Too late to extricate myself from this mess. Don’t want to start all over again.

I wonder how much more of this shit I can take. Sigh. 

Ok, I think this blog has been reduced to a place for me to rant about school. Yes the posts are all remarkably similar to one another – forever revolving around school! Even I’m getting quite annoyed by this. BUT I really need to vent so here goes.

Second year so far has been tough tough tough. The amount of work is insane and to top it off there’s still FA for me to practice. I really hate school sometimes. I know it’s pointless thinking about this but would it have all been better if I had just pluck up the courage to study in the UK back then? I wouldn’t have to worry about getting a job at all. Now as I look on at my abysmal grades I don’t even think I can get a TC!

Speaking of which, I think I didn’t get my AGC internship. I felt so freaking depressed today when huimin told me she got hers and I’m like, wtf why do I have no news at all from AGC. Wtf wtf wtf I swear I hate my life. I hate how dumb and stupid I am. I hate how despite trying so hard I am still not going places and getting what I want. Seriously wtf is wrong with me?

No matter how tough it is, I will stick it out for the next 2.5 years. I want to survive law school and graduate, it’s too late for me to turn back anyway for I’m already in too deep. At worst, I think I’ll travel out and work overseas instead, whether as a farmer or some weird animal trainer I’ll do just that. I don’t think I’ll be able to stand seeing how successful and happy my peers are when I can’t even make it in this system (even though I am genuinely happy for these people!). Guess I got played out in the end

And wtf is wrong with wordpress ! lagging like crazy.

Oh and fuck how everyone thinks I’m smart and hardworking. I’m not even doing that well why the fuck do they think that? I don’t want to live under anyone’s expectations. I want to go somewhere where no one would have any expectations of me. I’m really not that great a person so just fuck off.

So! I’ve finally surpassed myself and gone beyond 2.5. It felt absolutely amazing. Though it was by no means an amazing feat, I was utterly surprised with my determination and relentless spirit while on the go.

This is exactly what I need for the upcoming new academic year. It’s gonna be bad, but with fortitude and tenacity, I’m sure I can surmount through it all.

I cannot believe how I’ve completed my first year in law school. It all seemed so surreal, yet so real as I’ve worked so hard. Never in my life had I ever worked this hard for my academics. 

First year in university had taught me a lot of things:

1) Friends and seniors are super important

2) Be nice to everyone and don’t judge a book by its cover

3) Try to keep your chin up even though it can get overwhelming 

4) Form a close network of friends whom you know are people that you can rely and fall back on

5) Some people are plain assholes and totally unworthy of your time. You just want to ask them to fuck off (and do so when appropriate)

6) Hard work doesn’t always get you what you want so fuck it (of cos, put in a healthy dose of it)

Some of these lessons are pretty general. I’ve no idea why I feel like blogging about this all of a sudden but I just felt that I should. The environment can get pretty cold and intense sometimes; and I won’t even say that it is a very healthy environment but it gets the job done I suppose. Three more years to go oh boy..

One good thing is how I am finally accountable to myself this semester. I had worked so damn hard but sometimes, one’s hard work is just not enough; not enough to get you the grade you want at least. I guess I’ve grown use to the sucky feeling of hard work translating into void so I shan’t be bothered anymore. What’s the worst? I’ll work in Chinatown then. Not like I’ll starve to death, right?

In any case, there are so many things to look forward to this holiday. So I shall just let my hair down and enjoy this summer break before school gets crazy and saps me dry again.

Guess I can’t really say happy new year since it isn’t 01/01/13, but who cares? HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL.

A little late but better than never. So the world survived 21/12/12. I did as well though I narrowly escaped death, like seriously. But that’s another tale for another time. Phew. 2013 feels like a bag of mixed feelings. The transit from 2012 to 2013 didn’t feel too awfully different or revolutionary – it was very normal in fact.

I spent new year’s eve watching the countdown performance held at Nanjing..yes, on television lol. It was a great, star-studded concert and I thought it was a great way to end 2012. I have done many recap entries on how awesome or how pathetic 2012 had been so I shan’t go down that line again. But on hindsight, 2012 had been a pretty good year. I made many friends and learned many things as well; I felt like I grew a lot.

2013- It is hoped that it will be a good year. A fair share of ups and downs for sure but no matter what, just don’t die. I pray for good health, good grades, and for all my family and friends to be safe and sound. And it won’t be complete without some sound new year resolutions isn’t it?

1) Achieve more in law school

By that I don’t just mean academic achievements. Lol, not like I stood a chance in that department in the first place anyway. But what I mean is extra-curricular achievements. I think this can be easily done since I am involve in the planning of an ocsp to India later in May. I will keep up with my pro bono work as and when I can, and attend barworks sessions if any.

2) GRADES

My most hated department ever, but also the most important one of all. I wanna better my sore looking GPA to make it look a little more decent. As such, I will be aiming for two A- and two B+ since I’m taking four examinable modules this semester. Having been through one sem, it’s plain obvious how hard it can be to score in law school. I’m simply not at that A/A+ level so I’m setting my bar a little lower. Hopefully I don’t disappoint. 

FIGHTING!!

3) Keep good health and incorporate exercise into my schedule

I’ve always subscribed to the adage that health is wealth. One can’t possibly be happy or do anything else if he does not even have good health. So for 2013, I aim to live healthily and I am also striving to incorporate exercise into my schedule. Most of the time in law school, we are butt-rooted to our chairs, seemingly attracted to our study tables and GSRs like forever as well. This sedentary lifestyle really sucks and is detrimental to our health. So I hope to be able to incorporate weekly runs and swims into my schedule, and this will better my studies in a way as well!

4) Don’t be envious of others

Prof Tommy Koh mentioned that one of the major reasons why we are unhappy, is how we are always envious of others. How we envy them of being richer, able to travel to many places, smarter than us, getting better grades than us, have a spouse and etc etc. It’s amazing how true this is. If we are able to abandon our envy of others, I’m sure we can all lead a happier life. We should be contented with what we have and strive to achieve those that we don’t. In short, envy really kills. It is a double-edged sword – able to demotivate or motivate oneself.

In any case, I shall find my own pace and run my own race. That’s what life is about after all 🙂

So..tomorrow is the much acclaimed 21/12/12 otherwise known as doomsday. Although it has largely been proved that the Mayans did NOT predict the world to end that day, mine may just really end on its own tomorrow.

Sigh. My life is so entwined with school. Even during the holidays it continues to haunt me and all. I guess I can never truly break free from it till the day I graduate that is July 2016. Oh, so my final grades for this sem are coming out tomorrow; I am really hoping that the bell curve can surprise me.

After being in this academic rat race for so many years, I must say law school had been a really different experience as compared to my time in other academic institutions. The rigor, the sleepless nights and of course, the drama are all a notch above what I’ve experienced previously. And of course, we all seek to find that elusive ‘right and smart’ studying technique just so we can ace our exams. Obviously, I’ve not mastered the art of legal reasoning yet. Some say it’s only been a sem so don’t be too hard on yourself. Hmm, truth be told, I don’t really think my law mods let me down too much this time as compared to the non-law mod aka TWC.

True, my law mods weren’t spectacular but at least I know that I won’t fall below the threshold grade. TWC though, is a different ball game now. Thanks to it, my starting point has become unbearably pathetic and it’s gonna be hard pulling everything up next sem. Then again, who can I blame? The school for allocating me to this class? The Prof? (no matter what, I think he’s partly to blame) The group? Me?

I think all the above played a part. Of course, I think I should just blame myself; blame myself for not having worked hard enough even though the finals was supposed to be super easy and for not putting in enough effort in general for this module. I guess I was jaded and too bogged down by my other mods at that instance to truly give a damn about TWC at that time. Now, I’m really facing the music for its impact on my GPA is real; too darn real.

It’s just really sad though. When I first saw the component grades, I wondered ‘oh wow great. How am I supposed to progress from here on?’ I was expecting crim to lend me a helping hand and in the end, it proved to be a bigger disappointment ever. So, basically things went completely contrary to what I’ve expected. I wanted the start to be a little better, no need to be fantastic since I know myself and from thereon, simply MAINTAIN.

Yet now the start is so horrendous, it really makes the going gets a lot tougher. As much as I try to feign and tell myself that I have to muster up the courage to continue this journey, I did contemplate on whether I should give up now. Then I get reminded of how there’s nowhere else for me to go if I don’t persevere on. Right. Besides, it was my choice and I have to stick to it.

What a terrible holiday it had been. Completely ruined by the final results. I’m just hoping that things don’t turn out to be too terrible  Oh and god bless the world.