Surrendering to the Unknown

So it has been 5 months since we grew! That is almost half of a year. This is the first time I have had a moment to sit and write and reflect. I could write a book. I couldn’t publish it. It has way too much personal info to share about people’s hearts that I have fallen in love with. There is A LOT of comedy in the story for sure. We have gone from teaching about hygiene to explaining what a deer crossing sign is to discovering what narcolepsy is. There is a list that is a mile long of which we have now been introduced to about what people of survival face. I have gained empathy… thank the Lord. I was one of those who at moments thought “I knew quite a bit”… I don’t. It is clear now. I might have some strong opinions of what I think is “right”, but what I am learning even deeper is I may be wrong… and that is okay. It doesn’t really matter as long as you love the ones right before you.

These kids… they have my heart. I am purely invested. I left behind a life that I will no longer return to. I abandoned ship. It sunk. Now I have a new boat and a new trajectory of a journey that I am not sure even has an ending. It is much more about who is driving the boat and who is making it float. It’s clear the only thing I can control now is my words and my actions… the rest is in the Lord’s hands. Some days are just flat out crazy and you fall in bed thinking I really want to talk to my husband but I just can’t even hold my eyelids open. Other days, you wonder why is it calm? How do I spend time with each child? Then you just realize, there are so many holes that you can’t even count them much less discuss them… you are left with “I must” trust God to fill these holes. He will meet each of their needs so much more than I can.

I have watched a child go from failing 98 percent of high school to a child who had never tried a sport to a child who didn’t know how to tell the truth to a child who had panic attacks and threw oranges against the wall to a child who had 5 words to...

a child who is making all A’s to a child who runs track and loves it to a child who tells the truth and confesses sin to a child who is calm and goes to his room without breaking things to a child who can repeat almost anything we say.

Those are just the new kids. The original five… that’s a whole different side.

I have watched a child go from being exasperated by all of the disobedience to a child who couldn’t stand pain to a child who was disgusted and angry with one child’s behavior to a child who felt invisible and forgotten to a child who woke up 3 times a night for 8 weeks since 5 new kids moved in to…

a child who has so much more grace to a child who hugged and rubbed a child’s back as he told a story of pain from his past to a child laughs at how annoying one child was to a child who feels loved by the family to a child who sleeps through the night rising at 6 am jumping screaming “Where Flavio, where Flavio?”

Watching the Lord fill all the holes makes each day an adventure. I usually don't know how to solve a handful of things each day in our schedule, but somehow we have survived (a few kids have gotten left), but those experiences too have taught me to open my hand a little more...

In two weeks, A LOT can happen. To gain five children like this compares to giving birth in some ways... it is somewhat of a blur-- the pace at which new things arise, meals are being left in a cooler, short amounts of sleep occur, messes are made everywhere. But lots and lots of JOY permeate the house like when you stare at your newborn for the first time. You pinch yourself because you ask, how did we even get here? The amount of love and support we are experiencing is incredible and something that is so difficult to even put words to. I have made a list six pages long of every person who has served us! Watching God's hand in every detail demonstrates to me just how much He loves each of us. He cares so much for our hearts and the ways in which we are made. He knows us so deeply and intricately and has shown this in so many ways-- especially through our friends and family. We are incredibly grateful.

You can see in these pics, we now drive a massive FORD van thanks to some amazingly generous people. Everyone has assigned seats for now as to eliminate 10 people fighting constantly. You can also see we have some pet squirrels that Michael is feeding with a bottle thanks to my friend Stacey who is helping us in every way possible. She rescues squirrels so this leaves lots of entertainment and giggles.... and room for questions in our head yet again of, how did we get here? Stacey (with our without squirrels) is a massive help!

You can also see Carmen playing the cello with her new grandfather. We have discovered that this family is so musical and artistic. Their gifts are beautiful. You can also see that we took our first trip to the dentist and 17 cavities later... we will return again! Danny King is our dental hero! It is a FULL life. I remember the first verse I memorized in college was John 10:10... I have come so that you may have life and have it to the FULL. I would have never guessed the meaning that verse would someday (i.e. today) carry in my life.

What a SURREAL experience to drive with your husband to meet your children for the first time (or 2nd for some) and attempt to soak in five people's reactions all at once. It was like having quintuplets, but different. It was incredibly strange to leave five behind to pick up five more. The nerves and excitement and thoughts were a lot to take in. Andy and I got to relive some of those giddy school boy/girl moments and first Christmas type feelings.

When I say it could not have gone better, I mean it. These children are the SWEETEST children I know. I know I am biased, but sometimes we imagine things and they just simply aren't there what they are. These children were loved deeply; they have a sweetness that the culture of kids I know don't quite have. Within an hour, Junior was putting his arm around Thomas just hanging out and leaving his arm there. We told them they could call us whatever they felt comfortable with as long as it was kind. An hour after we dropped them back off, I got a text from Rosa, saying, "Hi mom.". Just this morning Junior texted Bobby saying, "Hey, what's mom doing?". Just tonight, Carmen texted, "pleasssssse can we move in this weekend and not next weekend."

It is so beautiful to see children want the family we have for them as well. At dinner, we were able to tell them we wanted them to stay forever and that they are just as much a part of our family as the other five. It was a day to be treasured.

We are renovating like crazy adding two bedrooms and two bathrooms to our house in hopes of getting settled a tiny bit before a week and half when they arrive. We cannot wait to share them with you!!!!

Many people have asked how they can help... see below...

DONATIONS: The children are NOT part of the foster care system so there is not any support from the state. Point of Contact: Jen Style, jennifermstyle@yahoo.com

Tax Deductible: Helping Hands Ministry - select in project category “FINANCIAL” - select in project name “Cook, Andy and Martha”

For a MONTHLY recurring tax deductible donation using a credit card, call the Helping Hands office to make arrangements-- 706-754-6884.
There is an 8% ministry grant on donations received to carry out their mission and purpose.
They take donations via Master Card, Discover, Visa, American Express (credit cards are additional 3%), and checks made payable to Helping Hands Ministries with the Project name written on a note accompanying the check.

All donations mailed should be sent to Helping Hands Ministries, PO Box 337, Tallulah Falls, GA 30573.

Non Tax Deductible: Monthly and one time gift option available

I just read my last post from 3 years ago and saw the quote..."There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind"... C.S. Lewis.... pretty much sums up what we are about to embark on. It is hard to describe what God has been birthing in the hearts of our family over the last 2 years, but never, not once could I have guessed what that was as we were not looking for children. The Lord has taken us on a journey where he has taken that lens of fear and replaced it with hope in lots of areas of our lives. It has been beautiful to experience, but over the last eight months especially, the Holy Spirit has awakened something in us that may have been asleep. Listening intently and running into His arms, we have heard the Lord call us to bring in a sibling group of five precious Hispanic children that we learned about two months ago.

Typically when a family like this crosses our path through Promise686, we share with many others and watch it unfold for various people, but this one in particular did not keep going. They are 17(girl), 14 (girl), 12 (boy), 10(boy), and 2(boy). When we learned of them, their mother was dying of cancer, and their community church had a plan in place for these children to go to three different homes. The mother wanted her children to stay together but after looking for a family for them, she knew as she passed away that there were a few families who were willing to take them, but there wasn't one where it would work to keep them all together daily. As you can imagine, for us having five children already, the story resonated, especially imagining if I died, and then picturing all of our children being split into various homes. We also imagined what it would be like for them to be separated from the 2 year old that they have helped care for the last two years while their mother was so sick. Their mom passed away six weeks ago and the children are being cared for by two great families within their church as of today. The decision was made on Monday for them to all come to our home in two weeks and for the 2 year old to come on Sunday.

We have heard the Lord throughout the last six weeks drawing us to the next step over and over again. We have experienced some mountaintop experiences where you sense He is giving you clarity so that you can hold onto it when you go back into the valley and walk it out. He has given us a DEEP peace, one that is anything but normal, and you know is from Him. Each call, each next step, God has opened up time and space for and put exactly what needed to be there, there. We have been awakened in the night to turn to certain Scriptures. One a few weeks back was Galatians 4:2, "The heir is subject to guardians and trustees until the time set by his father." This is not one I had memorized! A few nights later after that, I awoke with the second chapter of Joshua heavy on my mind. The chapter describes people melting away and a gathering of brothers and sisters, and mother and father into one home headed to the Promised Land. In the last 8 months, God has been revealing Himself to us and inviting us out of a place of fear to crossing over to the "promise land" for our inheritance in Him where we are met by His love.

Andy has prayed for peace, agreement, and joy through this process. Each one has been slowly given to him. That is a miracle in and of itself to imagine my husband having JOY when thinking about more children! We know there are an infinite amount of giants before us, but feel like God has really been pressing on us that the God behind us is so much bigger than the giants ahead. We realize that their stories may or may not end up the way we envision, but we move forward trusting in the goodness of God and His ultimate plans of healing and restoration throughout a lifetime of bringing these children into a community of love and faith.

Our next step is to get our home ready for these children. Also, we'll be figuring out the short term legal details of guardianship along with the long term adoption process. There's a lot that has to happen with time.

We invite you to partner with us in any way you feel led. We could not say yes to a life altering decision such as this, without knowing we have people like you, layer upon layer behind us. It feels like an army to us where we know that when we are need, you all are right behind us holding us up.

If you would like to partner with us, you can click the button below or click here.

A few weeks ago, we were one step away from finishing our paperwork to being able to travel to Haiti and meet Asheley, the 3.5 year old little girl we were referred, for the first time. We then got the call where you just know what they are about to tell you is going to be hard. My caseworker said in a trembling voice, "Asheley's birth mother returned to the orphanage yesterday and picked her up". I knew from when she first said hello that either something terrible had happened to Asheley or that she was no longer adoptable. My heart sunk, but almost instantly, I felt peace.

I mentioned in the earlier post, peace has been the theme of this twist of events going from Ethiopia to Haiti. It has been strange to the point of knowing that it wasn't going to all end up the way you might think. Asheley means harmony, which I find so amazing in that this little girl who was dropped into our hearts has taught us more about peace than any other time in our lives.

An hour after hearing the news, the tears came for me. It felt good to mourn. We had pictured her at our dinner table; the kids asked me to print a life size head of her and put her at our empty chair at the table (but I didn't :)). It was strange to have sort of an adoption miscarriage as someone coined the phrase. Thankfully, we had not met her as I know people who have met children and then lose them to death and to other circumstances. We are thrilled for her that she will get to be with her birth mother now.

I imagine getting to heaven and seeing that little face I never got to meet and seeing all the prayers we have prayed for her. It will be a wild reunion one day to see the tapestry that God has weaved for her.

So where does that leave us? We did not lose our place on the Ethiopia waiting list. We are number 49 for girl and 18 for siblings. We got on the list at #111 so it should be another year I am thinking. It should be faster for Haiti thankfully (or we will see of course). We are thinking we will get off the siblings list at some point unless we feel like God is calling us to two, but for now we are set on one.

As you can tell, I have been missing from the blogging world for a year and my last post was about entering the Life Coaching world. I spent the last year taking classes to get certified to be a Life Coach. After getting my Masters in Counseling years ago, I realized that I love working with people, but in particular coaching them instead of counseling them. I love seeing a person have those "Ah Hah" moments that they discovered on their own; hence why I named my business All About the Process. I am excited to launch my business and have now begun to post to my new blog at www.allabouttheprocess.com. Hopefully, I will continue to post here as well about our adoption process, but the rest of life will be on my new website. I find it ironic that I named my business "All About the Process" in light of every sphere of my life, including adoption!

From August 2012…

It has only been a year since I updated since NOTHING has happened until now…

As you can see from the phone in the fridge, I was a little distracted by the twist of events...

As Andy and I have waited in the past year, adoption has been on the backburner of our minds. We have known the process is long, and our expectations have been met peacefully. At various times, our agency sends pictures of children and often you wonder, “Could that be our next child?”, but then the next moment you think, “nah, I don’t think so.” Well, a few weeks ago, they emailed about a little girl in Haiti, and it caught my attention.

I then showed it to Andy, and it caught his attention too. It is hard to describe to people because you are always asked, “How do you know this is your child?” All I can say is your heart is pricked in a strange way that you take the next step.

The next step was to inquire. So we chatted about how she was 3.5 and spoke Creole. One year younger than Sydney…. Not a baby, but a 3.5 year old. Both Andy and I felt a huge peace about it. Peace was the word that kept surfacing. Not an emotional high and not numbness, just peace. (It just so happens that her name means harmony).

We waited about a week and only talked maybe once or twice about it. So we went to “Back to School Night” and right in the midst of the headmaster’s talk, my phone rang and I saw the area code was from Oregon where our agency is based. My heart skipped a beat because I just knew.

I grabbed Andy and we found a little office in the school where we heard them say, we have matched you with this little one.

So there you have it, 18 months into this process, we are switching countries. We started this process the day after the Haiti earthquake when Andy’s heart was opened and he said, “I think we could do one more”. Haiti’s adoptions were then closed due to the earthquake. Crazy how life brings you back to a place you were once.

Our times of prayer during these past weeks, God has been so gracious to lead us to the Scripture “He who believes in Him, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.” (It just so happens that the name of her orphanage has a lot to do with this name, Rivers of Hope). What we are learning through this part of our journey is just to be open so that His living water can flow through us. We are finding much joy in just being with the Lord and following him each step. John 7:37 was the next verse we kept seeing, “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me.” So, we have surrendered to this turn.

The process will take another 12-18 months before we bring her home. It requires three trips. The adoption laws in Haiti change on Oct. 1rst so we will know more then about when we go and meet her. We are thinking it will be November.

I have already had many obstacles in the past few weeks to getting all of this finalized, but I have been clinging to the image of how many obstacles are in a river…. Those obstacles are indifferent to the river if you focus on the source of the river.

My hope lies there.

So what is a coach.... some may think of a "stagecoach" or some may think of a sports coach.... the purpose of both is to carry us from one place to another. If any of you know me, you know that is what I love to do...help people get from one place to another no matter how small or how large. In the past few months, I have been praying about what is my spiritual gift. I have done tests before to see what it is, but as you grow and mature, you begin to see themes in your life that continuously repeat themselves and that stand the test of time or "phases" that you go through. Exhortation is the theme...The definition.... "an address or communication emphatically urging someone to do something". We were sitting in church last week where our pastor was discussing gifts and you were to raise your hand if you thought you had one of the gifts he named off... I wasn't paying attention at the moment...daydreaming of other gift...and my husband nudged me and said, "Why didn't you raise your hand for that one?" My sister then called the next day and said, "What did you raise your hand for?" I told her I didn't, and she said, of course "exhortation". Another confirmation that other people see in you the same thing. What I love about each of us being made to have a gift is that it is supernatural. It isn't something you can just choose and create. You can begin to see that over a lifetime, you try and try, but that you can't just muster up the power within you to have a gift... it is "gifted to you". There is something about finding your "sweet spot" that makes you realize the how you can unlock God's power on this Earth and be His instrument.

I received my Masters in Counseling years ago and always wondered how God would use that in my life since a month after I graduated, Bobby was born. The surprise of Bobby was such a gift in my life, and since I knew I wanted to stay at home with him and knew I don't do well being double minded, I was thankful I didn't wrestle with trying to do both. As my fourth child is getting older, I am beginning to feel spaces open up for me and margin appear where I get to ask the question... "how do I use my time Lord"... Raising small ones, you don't necessarily listen and choose, you just sort of act. You can seek the Lord in the morning about your attitude all the way through, but the spills, the carpools, the meals that need to be made are on the agenda no matter what you do.

All this to say, it wasn't until I started learning about being a Life Coach that I knew I had an interest. The difference between Coaching and Counseling is that in counseling, you focus more on taking a person from unhealthy places to health where as Coaching focuses more on taking someone who is healthy to excellence. Through a series of God ordained meetings, I met the head of Life Coaching at Northpoint and I was sold. She happened to teach a course through Professional Christian Coaching Institute and I am already a month into the course. I won't be able to work too many hours of course, but I can do a little bit. So then I was left with, how do I pay for it? How do I start up a business.... Hummm.... my hobby... not my gift! Sewing!

Here is a cute skirt I made for Sydney and some pillows I did for my sister-in law's nursery. It has been quite fun to see how God weaves your life together in those random parts that have always felt sort of in "no man's land". I learned how to sew while being sick and pregnant with Bobby and sewed for people the first year he was born.

The Lord has been teaching me this delicate balance between how much you trust God and how much you work diligently. What a balance... you can see that if you even take one step in either direction how you are immediately "off balance". I would appreciate all prayers in this arena as I used to be an ALL or NOTHING kind of girl and I am having to learn that just a little bit at a time is all the Lord asks. I desire so much to be "in the moment" raising my children and in all that I do so it will be a challenge to seek the Lord each day to know how to block off time for all things I love.