Surrendering to the Unknown

So what is a coach.... some may think of a "stagecoach" or some may think of a sports coach.... the purpose of both is to carry us from one place to another. If any of you know me, you know that is what I love to do...help people get from one place to another no matter how small or how large. In the past few months, I have been praying about what is my spiritual gift. I have done tests before to see what it is, but as you grow and mature, you begin to see themes in your life that continuously repeat themselves and that stand the test of time or "phases" that you go through. Exhortation is the theme...The definition.... "an address or communication emphatically urging someone to do something". We were sitting in church last week where our pastor was discussing gifts and you were to raise your hand if you thought you had one of the gifts he named off... I wasn't paying attention at the moment...daydreaming of other gift...and my husband nudged me and said, "Why didn't you raise your hand for that one?" My sister then called the next day and said, "What did you raise your hand for?" I told her I didn't, and she said, of course "exhortation". Another confirmation that other people see in you the same thing. What I love about each of us being made to have a gift is that it is supernatural. It isn't something you can just choose and create. You can begin to see that over a lifetime, you try and try, but that you can't just muster up the power within you to have a gift... it is "gifted to you". There is something about finding your "sweet spot" that makes you realize the how you can unlock God's power on this Earth and be His instrument.

I received my Masters in Counseling years ago and always wondered how God would use that in my life since a month after I graduated, Bobby was born. The surprise of Bobby was such a gift in my life, and since I knew I wanted to stay at home with him and knew I don't do well being double minded, I was thankful I didn't wrestle with trying to do both. As my fourth child is getting older, I am beginning to feel spaces open up for me and margin appear where I get to ask the question... "how do I use my time Lord"... Raising small ones, you don't necessarily listen and choose, you just sort of act. You can seek the Lord in the morning about your attitude all the way through, but the spills, the carpools, the meals that need to be made are on the agenda no matter what you do.

All this to say, it wasn't until I started learning about being a Life Coach that I knew I had an interest. The difference between Coaching and Counseling is that in counseling, you focus more on taking a person from unhealthy places to health where as Coaching focuses more on taking someone who is healthy to excellence. Through a series of God ordained meetings, I met the head of Life Coaching at Northpoint and I was sold. She happened to teach a course through Professional Christian Coaching Institute and I am already a month into the course. I won't be able to work too many hours of course, but I can do a little bit. So then I was left with, how do I pay for it? How do I start up a business.... Hummm.... my hobby... not my gift! Sewing!

Here is a cute skirt I made for Sydney and some pillows I did for my sister-in law's nursery. It has been quite fun to see how God weaves your life together in those random parts that have always felt sort of in "no man's land". I learned how to sew while being sick and pregnant with Bobby and sewed for people the first year he was born.

The Lord has been teaching me this delicate balance between how much you trust God and how much you work diligently. What a balance... you can see that if you even take one step in either direction how you are immediately "off balance". I would appreciate all prayers in this arena as I used to be an ALL or NOTHING kind of girl and I am having to learn that just a little bit at a time is all the Lord asks. I desire so much to be "in the moment" raising my children and in all that I do so it will be a challenge to seek the Lord each day to know how to block off time for all things I love.

Sydney is obsessed with Jesus dying on the cross this week, and I just have post what she said. She asked me did Jesus die on the cross? I said, "yes". She says, "Ewww.... bad idea. Did they chop him up?" Who thinks of that?

For the last five weeks, my sister and her husband and three children have been living with us, and WOW has it been so much fun. It of course has been so tiring as well, but mostly it felt like, WHY IN THE WORLD DO WE NOT LIVE IN COMMUNITY like this all the time. They are moving two miles away from us and couldn't get into their house until September. I cherished the time we got to cook, clean, do laundry, and parent each other's children. When one of us was tired, the other could jump in. You learn so many life lessons when you live with people. As my sister mentioned numerous times, it is like pulling down your underwear in front of people where all laundry is aired. You see all the strengths and weaknesses of each member of the family. It at times makes you want to hide, to run, to scream, or to cry, but in the end, you develop such a deep love for one another that it covers all the messiness of each of us. I am so thankful for this experience, and at the same time so deeply fatigued in such a good way.

This week without them, it has been so quiet. I have found myself not in a hurry all the time now that I have three in school. I feel my brain beginning to thaw out and my breaths getting deeper. The crisp fall air is cleansing to a new year. I have prayed that I would be more of a servant like Jesus was and through serving my sister's family I am so convicted of what a bad servant I am. I have seen God mold me in the last few weeks, giving more glimpses of being like Christ, but only tiny ones so that I don't get prideful because that is of course what we all want to do. We want someone to notice or get credit at times... I found myself just asking myself, would if I could serve without anyone EVER knowing what I did. The reward in heaven would be glorious I am sure of it! That will be my new prayer... serving and thanking God that I can serve.

Waiting on finding a home was more challenging than I had imagined. The Lord continually led me to the verse, "Even the sparrow has found a home, a swallow a nest for herself, a place to raise her young...a place near your altar." I had read that numerous times, but it wasn't until there were 22 days left to find a place did I internalize this. About a week after we signed the contract, the boys ran inside and told me they had found a nest. I didn't think too much about it at the moment, but about ten minutes later, I got to thinking... a nest...

I went outside and climbed our front little tree and lo and behold there was a nest of these eggs! I couldn't believe my eyes because one of my favorite books this year is "One thousand gifts" and on the cover there is this picture. I wrote down as one of my thousand gifts that this picture is one of them because it is so rich in color and beautiful. I got to see it with my own eyes and the richness and depth of meaning made me want to steal the eggs (don't worry I didn't). We checked on the nest every day before we moved and two days after we moved, we drove by and Bobby got to peek in and they hatched. I got out of the car and ran to see and saw a little tiny head peering up over looking for food. When I walked into our new home, I felt this sense of abundance in all that God has provided. I knew His altar was good enough, but now to know He cares about the nest on Earth is incredible to me.

The expression on Sydney's face is God providing the desires of your heart...Through this entire process I have wondered, will God provide the most affordable, ugly house that we will love because we love our mortgage payment or will he provide the home that rings in the deepest parts of me with custom touches that fit "Martha" style... ? The process I think refines your thinking in all this and you are forced to just put it on His altar, but then you start to think, well should I pray for this? for that? or just "thy will be done". It was a strange feeling to just not know what you were praying for. Many times we just changed the prayer from a house, to money to provide what we needed... well, as the Lord knows, my hearts desire was given to me right at the 12th hour. We had 22 days until we had to be moved and we found it only a mile away. WHOHOO!!!!

So now we are on to packing! 13 days to go... Whew, I am going to sleep for all of August I think. Deep fatigue over here.

When I slow enough to ponder what the Lord is up to and his grand plans, I often wonder how it is that He can bring all of these little yet so BIG truths to our minds and refine us without us knowing areas we weren't aware needed such refining. God likes to hit those target areas that are ALIVE; the ones that hurt when He hits them, not the ones that are dead. He doesn't need to put to death all those dead ones, He needs to go for the ones that are swirling around thinking "I am good...I am in control".

As Fenelon wrote long ago,
"Whatever revelations you receive or whatever emotional experiences you have are worthless unless they lead you to the very real and constant practice of dying to your self-nature. Unfortunately, you cannot die without suffering, nor can you be said to be fully dead while part of you still lives. The death that God brings you will pierce deep within. Soul and spirit will be divided. He sees in you all that you cannot see. He knows exactly where the fatal blows shoudl fall. He heads straight for that which you are most reluctant to give up. Pain is only felt where there is life. And in this situation life is precisely the place where death is needed."

I have never been in this place before. Newness feels exciting, yet very up and down. It is the newness of feeling like God is asking me to go to a new place... from surrender to abandon. This place doesn't have lifeboats or steps down or a way back sometimes. It is to a new place where God kills off the control in me. Control is a strong theme in my life right now. I have always thought I was pretty laid back, yet maybe I haven't been tested to reveal the crazy kind of control so deep seated in me. We have 23 days to find somewhere to live. Everyone in the country is dying to sell their house, and God sold our house. Who knew it would be the other side of it that we can't find a place that meets our needs and that feels good for our budget? There are for sale signs everywhere, yet the home hasn't come. We have put offers on six homes and almost 4 more. We have been back and forth with 6 families for 3-4 days each negotiating. We have seen probably 50 homes in the area and at least 100 more online. With each decision, we have learned something new. With each negotiation we have learned something new. I am kind of tired. I get renewed and then I get butterflies, thinking I wonder what will happen.

As of a day ago a friend gave us a tour of her basement so it is official, we can live there for a month or so. So I no longer feel completely homeless, yet I still believe somehow God is going to provide. I have watched our bank account fill in various ways over the past six months where I can trace the hand of God in this timing to be able to sell and have a little more to put down. I have read God's word and been assured over and over that HE has got it. The game in my head is constantly, "are we too picky" ... we said we could live in Ethiopia, why can't I live in so and so subdivision in the middle of suburbia? Then I ask, do I not want to move up in price range because then I will have to trust God more as we live day to day and I would rather control it or am I just being wise and trying to live like Dave Ramsey teaches? Then I ask, should we go back and make another offer on that last one? Should we renovate the ugliest house we have seen that is so cheap? The questions still swirl around, yet each morning or each bathroom run that I makes since that is where my "Jesus Calling" book remains whispers to me...CEASE STRIVING...

What does that mean? Does that mean really to just stop looking? To stop trying every option possible and just wait? To be an idiot and lazy? I don't think so, but I do think it means " I HAVE GOT IT!!!!" Then I go from there thinking, I don't ever need a home. I could trust God to provide a home for us at all times. The verse God continues to lead me to is

"Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young--a place near your altar, O Lord Almighty, my Kind and my God."

Then it goes on to say,

"Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca (weeping), they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion." Psalm 84

The home is at His altar... you can bet your life that this experience I find myself at His altar. I am not so much skipping the quiet time or running as much on my own strength. I can feel God giving me strength and strength again as I journey. I think of sweet Jody who is in this place of "weeping" facing cancer. Who cares if I don't have a house to live in... I would be like the other 80 percent of the world. I don't have to be "in control" or "settled"... I can be at His altar.

One of my favorite singers is Laura Story and her new song, "Blessings" gives me chills every time I listen. Here is the chorus:

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

These words capture so much of what we know in our hearts, yet have such difficulty living out each day when we are faced with hard circumstances. Lately, I have seen pain all around me in the forms of cancer coming to young mothers, children faced with parents dying, friends who can't seem to find a way financially in this economy... my tiny storm right now is just not being able to find a place to move! What a tiny trial, yet how real. A home is just a container for memories, yet the amount of sweat we put into finding the perfect place can be a lot when we aren't trusting in the One who provides. I am facing the reality that as much as I have peace knowing God will provide that place by the time we have to move, I still find my mind drifting to the dilemma. I still find myself trying to plan, plan B. I have posted scripture in my window so I can bring my mind back to the verse of "fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith." I am reminded by all the pain around me of the ending of this song.... "THIS IS NOT OUR HOME".... we just keep trying to make it our home. We just keep trying to make homier, more comfortable, more permanent. Lately, I am waking early with the worry over where will I take my family of six after our closing, yet am also holding fast to my belief that it is these moments that bring me to HIM. I am running to HIM to satisfy my thirst, my fears. He is the one who gives me a calm heart; he is the renewer... HE is the AUTHOR. He has the plan. He wouldn't have sold our house, not to bring us to a place he wants us. It is rather freeing to think, we won't OWN anything this large for a temporary time, maybe forever... if we rent. Either way, we are in the palm of His hand.

I just keep asking myself, what is it going to take for me to SURRENDER it all where I don't even think of these things, where I don't try to fix them, try to research more, or DO more.... is it going to take a thousand sleepless nights as Laura Story sings to ASSURE me that HE is near? Maybe it is just the daily times I remember this where I just see his tender mercies and reminders of He has always been with me and always will be.

On Saturday, we had nothing on the calendar and had a yard day of little things to do, along with some slide n'slide fun as well. The kids have begged me since February to get it out, and I told them when it hit 80 degrees I would ( next time I am saying 90 degrees). I went from making lunch, to picking up toys, to painting a table, etc... Sydney, meanwhile followed me around from task to task. She waited patiently especially while I painted a table. I could tell she was getting really bored so I looked at her suddenly and said, "Do you want to play hide-n-seek?" Her response was right from the heart, right from a female with eyes wide, " I like you Mommy!" It was like she said, yes, you got it... I am tired of doing all this stuff, can we please play? It amazes me the few times I in tune enough to realize 5 minutes of fun goes a LONG way with children.

I tried it again today. My email inbox was filling up by the minute it felt like so I served Sydney some lunch and thought, I could go and respond to a few of those, but for some wonderful moment of grace, I thought, no, I should just sit and look Sydney in the eye for once. I confess as all others moms know, it is so hard to "be" at times when we are such "to do" people. So I am just talking with her and she has her princess costume on for lunch. After two minutes of engaging with her, she looks right at me with eyes WIDE once again, "Mommy, do youuuuuuu want to dress up?" Like, hey you are really into me again, do you want to play? I put a yellow wig on which once again made her life it felt like. If only, I could pause right now and tell myself every hour, she will only be 3 one time...

I am on a roll tonight... here are some pictures of Thomas when he was born...look at my young husband. 10 years can really change a lot. Look at how I got to take a nap... :)

I am not one to put horrible pictures of myself up for people to see, but I came across these tonight and wow, did it take me back. When I was pregnant with Bobby I found out at 14 weeks I had a dermoid cyst on my ovary that was the size of a baby's head. There was a low risk that it could burst so one doctor recommended I take it out immediately and another one in the same practice recommended leaving it. Having never been pregnant, I think the level of stress in this situation was highly intense knowing the stakes were high. I remember the moment you find out your pregnant, the stakes are high that fear is going to creep in and take away the gift you have just been given. It is that first lesson of learning how to trust and surrender either way God's will be done. Not an easy task... never mastered, but bits of it tasted in the circumstances of our lives.

For the first 16 weeks of pregnancy, I hugged a porcelain bowl! I was in my last year of seminary and Andy had his first job. We lived in Concord, MA in a 400 square foot apartment that was in someone's house. We used their back staircase to get to our little cozy space. We moved there two weeks before I found out I was pregnant and all of our friends lived 50 minutes away. This year of my life truly shaped me more than any other. I was ALONE, SICK, SAD, and all I had was the Lord. God stripped me of my need to "do" anything for him. I had to realize that just lying in bed was enough for Him. I taught myself to sew by reading books and watched the entire Dawson's Creek episodes. I still hear that theme song, and I am right back in that apartment with 2 feet of snow outside.

I had to have surgery at 21 weeks to remove it, and of course there was risk of delivering early, which at 21 weeks is not viable. After the surgery, I ended up in excruciating pain for three hours where there were 5 factors that signaled infection, and I had 4 out of 5. The irony was I presented that way, yet I had a fever because I was on a heating pad and I had pain because I had GAS! So after all that, things calmed down, but I was allergic to the tape they used on the stitches so I got blisters all around the stitches....





Okay I know I look awful, but I had to show that scar! Here is the result of all that pain...

I had to put Sydney in her princess dress that a dear friend I ran into at Old Navy bought her...she asks for it every other day with her tap shoes.

Something I have been reflecting on this week was the paradox of how we see our weaknesses and how others see them. Each of us knows probably our top three weaknesses, yet hopes that the world doesn't see them. They most likely see them a lot clearer than we do. Isn't it funny how you can see others blind spots easier than your own? It scares me sometimes to think about all the things God will slowly and gently reveal to me over time if I were to see them all now. Thank goodness for Jesus' grace to shine that light in our dark places one at a time or sometimes a few at a time. If he just turned on all the lights, we couldn't deal. Those top three don't just creep up once a month, but typically you see them daily or weekly. My devotion today highlighted and reiterated more than once, be careful to give advice... make sure you have been really, really, really patient before diving in there. What wise counsel. If I could only write out all the times, I have jumped into Jesus' seat and decided to play Holy Spirit! I am surprised at this point, God hasn't just struck me down dead. That still small voice just keeps whispering, become an intercessor... that is all you need "to do". To focus on the power of what God can do through prayer deserves more of my attention. My thoughts go so quickly to "what is my job? what should I say? what should i do?" You realize in marriage that you don't need to do anything.... just need to hold a hand, cry with someone, listen, and say, "this is hard." I have learned this through a few friends that I have who have demonstrated how to meet that deep place in my heart that just needed to be listened to and not fixed. So thankful God has brought girlfriends into my life with sensitivity who love me with all my faults.

The Lord is speaking to me a message I have ignored for quite some time... it is NOW. It is living in the NOW, not the past and not the future. I have had seasons of my life where I live in the past and seasons in the future.... very hard to say I have had LONG seasons in the present. These past few days have been almost eerie to slow to a pace so slow that the present can be absorbed. Watching Bobby pitch in his first baseball game was surreal not because of what it was, but because I was taking in that he will never pitch again for the FIRST time. To drink in that moment without an infant crying or a child calling my name... I could just breathe it in and thank God for that moment. Margin is a word my friend Karen taught me a few years ago, and it summarizes so much of what we cut when we are busy. To allow your life to have wider margins, allows these slower moments, allows us to take them in. Andy couldn't come to the game until late due to work, but I felt this sense of urgency for him to come. I called him twice, telling him to hurry, he might miss it. I used to call because I "needed" his help or didn't want to miss a picture perfect moment... this was entirely different; it was that he would miss a moment that is couldn't be captured on a camera. It is those moments that no one else sees, but that a family feels the tune of when you are together at a game, watching baseball, and eating dinner on a picnic table. Those seem insignificant at times, yet the tone of your life is what gets absorbed by your children. I am so thankful for the book I am reading that has the most beautiful words to describe the NOW. Go out and get yourself a copy of "The Gift of an Ordinary Day".... an entire new lens you will put on... it is much brighter and lighter!

I had friend call me up this week and ask for my forgiveness... of course, I am thinking, uh oh, what did I do or what did she do. She confessed that when she talked with me a year or two ago about adoption, she judged me. She said in her mind she said "why does Martha have to be so negative in terms of adoption." She was in a place where she was about to bring home her two children and was just excited. I remember being with her and thinking, "I need to tell her it is hard to bring home two kids and one being older and one being a baby so she can remember this when she hits some rough spot." She laughingly said, please forgive me... it is soooo hard! I just had to laugh. Aren't we all that way! It is just so hard to admit sometimes and you certainly don't want to be a complainer so sometimes you are just torn on what to say... I think assurance and encouragement is the way to go... reminding them no matter how hard it is, it is GOD who carries you through it, NOT you! I guess that sounds daunting to some too... because that actually admits you need to be carried. Who wants that in our little world... "I can do it myself world". I think maybe we need a new world that says, "I quit. Your turn".

Nana was 91 years old and what a lady! Her presence was just sweet and smiley. From knowing her for the past 15 years, I could have NEVER guessed her story. Some people you just make assumptions and assume you know how they were raised and what type of family they had. Nana was one of 12 children and I think she was number 9. Her mother passed away after giving birth to her 12th child... WOW. The reality of this I can't even comprehend. Can you imagine how her husband must have felt at the end of this birth? After this, the children were split up and the younger children were put in foster homes because the fathe was unable to care for all of them and circumstances in his life. The older ones raised themselves for quite some time.

Nana was put in numerous foster homes and it is hard to know if she doesn't remember a ton of stories or if she blocked them out. Andy's mom and siblings were able to piece a lot of stories together over time. She lived with some loving parents, but many who were not and used her as labor around the house. One house, she slept under a kitchen table. It wasn't until her teen years that she was reunited with her older siblings and they helped raise her. She got a scholarship under FDR and then after college became a dietician. According to Andy's mom, her faith was the kind that was what you imagine in the olden days... just simple, like Jesus probably just jumped for joy over. She knew that God has his eye on her; he was her protector, the one who loved her. She never complained about how hard life was; she walked around with just smiles, joy, and love of family. I think she knew how to appreciate this life. I am so thankful to have known her; what an inspiration she is to my life of simple it can be.... "His eye is on the sparrow".... He cares for us and that is enough.

In the past month, circumstances have not been going in the smooth way you would dream of as a little girl. I will just recap it to give insight into one month of our lives...

1. I got the flu for a week
2. Andy then got it; had a cough that lasted 3 weeks
3. Planned a 6 year old football birthday party ( then Sydney threw up in the car, had diarrhea 3 places in the house same day)
4. Had 25 agents go through our house since it is for sale
5. Got carpet at 9 pm one night with 4 kids running around without dinner
6. Painter came for an entire day, then carpet the next... meanwhile I am packing 4 kids to go to 8 different places while andy and I go on our 10 year anniversary trip that was given to us as a gift for Christmas
7. Day before we leave, get a call that Andy's grandmother is sick and Andy's parents can no longer watch 2 of the kids
8. Wake up at 5:45, I have diarrhea... nervousness or sick? 1 hour later.... SICK... pack the rest, find childcare last minute
10 minutes before we leave, Andy's parents report it would be hours before Nana passes most likely; I throw up
9. Cancel the trip
10. Throw up all day, 2 hours later, Nana goes to be with the Lord!
11. Plan to go to visitation, funeral
12. Night before funeral, Thomas gets major diarrhea
13. Go to funeral, then plan night away in Atlanta for Andy and me with babysitter
14. Arrive at hotel, 15 minutes later, Andy gets chills... I order wings and a beer, he gets fruit cup and soup.
15. Andy throws up and is sick all night
16. Go home defeated... :)
17. Work stress for Andy the next week, change of job positions
18. Find out Ethiopia adoptions slowed by 90%, meaning it could take 8 years to adopt
19. Two days later, Thomas falls, breaks his wrist
20. Sydney chipped half of her tooth with a cap of 400.00 :)

I think you get the point.... I could go into detail about all the other relationship stress as well that happened, but no need to belabor the point.... life is messy. Life isn't perfect and clean... it is just messy. But here is the deal.... God CARRIED us through the entire time. There were so many times I wanted to just throw in the towel and yell, "SERIOUSLY", but yet God gave me grace. He showed me I didn't have to handle all this perfectly; I was allowed to cry. He loved me just the same. I won't brag about any of the times that I did get to just laugh at the whole thing because truth be told, I just felt like a walking zombie that God was carrying... It was a test that revealed; He somehow carries us through these storms. We weather it. It doesn't mean that we do it well again, but that we survive, not bruised and battered and left for dead, but maybe scraped and bruised, yet still thanking God. That blows my mind when I think of those whose past months were filled not with minor things like this, but tsunamis, cancer, death, rape, or homelessness. There are people who endure all of these things still waking up praising God, thanking them for their breath and praising Him for saving them for eternity.

With all of that, I have had two days of air. This air I am breathing is so fresh, so real, so wonderful to my spirit... I can taste the abundance I have been given because of the past month. I typically would be complaining that my husband had to work all week, etc.... but this week, I am just thankful I get to bathe my children, tuck them in, read a book and have food in my fridge! It is nice to have some normal even if it is for 48 hours. The song I sang over and over was.... "Come away with Me, Come away with me... It is never too late, it is never too late. It is going to be WILD. It is going to be GREAT. It is going to be full of ME." Indeed it has been all of the above...

Little Valor came home with our friends a month ago... to be on the other end waiting in the airport was surreal. It brought back so many memories of when we brought Andrew and Sydney up the escalators to meet their extended family. To watch their children get excited and see their friends and family gear up for this moment was incredible. When they came up the escalator, you could hear a pin drop and time seemed to stand still for a moment as momma embraced her little cubs, tears streamed everywhere, and you just felt each gesture each of them made. It was incredible to see sweet Valor just smile through the entire event. Welcome home little man! You are dearly loved.

This is from Beth Moore's blog on Living Proof Ministries... it spoke volumes to me about how we try to reproduce a formula as to how God speaks and how we learn it one way and think we can predict Him in the next move... love the reassurance of how differently God spoke to our Fathers of the faith...

Joshua 6:4 –
“Have seven priests carry trumpets of rams’ horns in front of the ark. On the seventh day, march around the city seven times, with the priests blowing the trumpets.”



Perhaps it won’t surprise you that the word “march” makes regular appearances in this book of the Bible so, if you’re in the wilderness longing to cross that river of fear and enter a land of fruitfulness, you might venture a fresh look at it. Here’s what hit me about Joshua 6:4 –


Marching tends takes a heap longer than we expect and a different form than we might rationalize. Think how odd all that marching-around-in-circles must have been to some of those Israelites. On top of that, consider that God never instructed another group of people to take exactly that same approach again in the pages of Scripture. He told Abraham to do one thing. Moses, another. Joshua, another. David, still another. All were in keeping with His will and His character but the variance in prescribed acts of obedience reminds us that God is resistant to our relentless pursuit of formulas. God knows, if we could rationalize it, we’d institutionalize it. We’d have 2500 satellite locations of the “First Church of Seven Circles.”

With each day that goes by and little more age is added to my days, I am learning just how uncomfortable I am with "mess"... the mess inside each of us, the mess in others, and even the physical mess. I realize from my last post that it is me who has been in the "particular" camps in my life, and how humbled I have been to see God lead me into the other camp that completely contradicts the one I held so strongly years or even days before. I think the tricky part is sometimes mentally you have to make a decision to live your life, which puts you in a "camp" at times. I am so afraid that I will get it wrong sometimes, that often I analyze it and analyze it, instead of just resting in that God is in control of either way I choose. I think I make everything into a "moral" decision instead of just a decision. What confidence comes with decisions that are just made with the assumption that grace is there either way.

The reality of having five children has been sinking in lately. Not sure exactly why, but just realizing the magnitude of the time, energy, money, and more it takes. I used to think I had faith in the past, but now looking back, it must have been seasoned with ignorance as well :). It was my friend Karen who pointed out to me, faith is a gift from God. I think we feel like we have to muster it up, try harder to get it, but there are sometimes in the situations we are in, we just don't have it or have so little it feels as if it isn't much. I had to admit today to God, I don't have enough right now, and in certain areas, I have none. I just prayed, "God it is yours; give it to me. I have tried and tried, and I am embarrassed that I thought I could conjure it up." Talk about freedom... I walked out of my kitchen, wiped away tears, and thought, "Yes, it is done. It is not burden to bear... HE can do all things." Being honest with God is so awesome, and it is almost comical that we have to remind ourselves to be.

So in the past month, I have had numerous experiences where like at the beginning of motherhood whether or not you breastfed became a choice of "which camp you are in". I have seen this in a lot of different areas of my life lately, especially adoption. I am seeing that we are all so passionate about certain things in our life that we blog about them and almost don't allow people to have a different view. It is a little disconcerting in that, why do we have to take sides? Isn't there truth in lots of things? Isn't it our job to seek out the bits of truth in all things, but not throw the baby out with the bath water? I am sensing a movement in the adoption world that you have to be either all about the attachment theory or all about not spanking or all about putting your baby in a sling or all about not letting your child leave your side or all about the child and not the parents, etc... What all of these decisions do sometimes is try to divide us. I think the "enemy" would LOVE that. I am sure most can see that God is on the move with adoption in this world right now as it seems to be increasing, but with it, it seems people are saying there is "one way to do it" because most agencies are only allowed to give certain advice in order to cover their bases in this world we live in. When you think back to decisions you make as a first time mom such as whether you breastfeed, whether you let the baby cry it out, whether you spank or do time out, whether you can spoil the baby in the first year, etc... all of them make you a HEAD CASE! The bottom line is that children who are parented either way turn out in all ways. We live with the belief that the way our children act is a direct reflection of what we are doing. We are their parents and it is our job to raise them and love them. There are many cases where parents do this and their children end up really struggling in life, but it is not their parents fault. The goal is to introduce to them to a loving Savior, not to make wonderful "products"... he is the one who can meet every need they have in the world and makes and refines the product... we can only walk with Him in the process.

I have decided that you just don't need to pick a camp. It is easier to pick one so you can fit in and it feels better because you "belong" to a certain one, but ultimately, you can't put all of this in a box. Parenting, adoption, and LIFE just can't fall one way or the other in decisions that are not a moral decision.
I

Do you ever feel stumped how to communicate what has happened to you sometimes in life? After getting home from the adoptive mommas retreat, it is difficult for me to put into words all that occured. I have never had a weekend like this in my life; I saw God heal places in people's lives and felt his presence constantly. One of the highlights of the weekend was having a "date with God". I didn't have any expectations for this so when I walked in this cozy room and saw all the different stations, my heart felt warm.... like ah! I have been waiting to relax like this for years! There was a station with pillows under a tent where praise music was playing intended for listening to God, there was a station with Bibles, one with countries where you could pick the one God led you to, to pray for, a play dough station, a painting station, and a sticky note section where you could write your prayer requests. My blunt personality was thinking, "Is God going to really speak to me and show me what to paint? or Is God going to show me what to make with play dough really?" I believed that he would, but I think I was somewhat of a skeptic. So you get to pick where to go first... I almost ran to the place where I could just listen and receive. Within ten seconds I was crying. This doesn't happen to me that often because sometimes I feel like I have to schedule crying into my schedule. These were not tears of sadness, they were just tears of relief. Within about a minute, call me crazy, but I HEARD in my heart and mind God say these words to me... " I love you Martha; I see what you are doing." This is not a common occurence for me. I typically hear God speak through Scripture, but not necessarily just listening. I didn't feel like he was saying, "I see that you are adopting, etc..." I felt like he was saying, "I see you when you sweep so many times, clean up spills, coupon, etc..." This was so tender to me because I think I had gotten to a place where I had forgotten He sees me in all things. Again, it is too hard to put into words, but when something like this happens, parts of you are made new, restored, and ready for life again..... the theme I would say for me was RESTORATION.

So it is January 31rst and I never thought we would make it! The fridge is empty... aside from about 10 things, but we did it!!!! No one went hungry, no one complained... no one noticed. I noticed of course; we have had many months for years with snack drawers and fridges being empty, but this time the difference is that I wasn't going to spend February's money until I got to February. I typically borrow 200 dollars from February to not have to endure the famine! So tonight, we will have chili and I will make some bread and a "tiny" salad. Andy's job had leftovers and provided some muffins and cookies that were going to be thrown away and I felt like we hit the lottery!

Last week, I really felt like Dave sucked ALL the joy out of life. I had a three day funk where I really thought... really... we are supposed to give up all this and went down the pity party of, "I already give up so much... blah, blah, blah!" I know that is not his intention, but man did it feel that way. Then, this week I had coffee with a friend who was and is facing life where she could lose her husband at any moment, yet God continues to allow him to live, and they live as if there is no illness... they continue to have children at age 45 and are adopting from China! How cool is that... living for heaven, not this world. That just pulled me right out of my funk where I thought, I am not living in for this side of heaven anymore. I don't have to worry, try to control, and so much more because eternity is a really long time--this world is just a blink. My sister lost one of her dearest friends to cancer this week, and my mom lost her pastor to the same type of cancer. Both of these amazing people lost theirs lives in six months. The reality of this really takes your breath away sometimes. Then the reality of how little we think of the next life takes my breath away again... we are so focused on this side of heaven because that is what we see.

So after my 3 day pity party, I pulled on my big girl pants and said, Get over it! It is time to live. When you give up things, you don't just get more money, you get GOD. I didn't understand this for awhile. I started thinking about being debt free instead... yes, this is the end goal in the eyes of the world, yet what no one talks about is through this process of selling things and not spending, you get more of GOD. You become so close to Him, you get his peace, you get his joy... not the treasures that rot. The magnitude of this truth keeps hitting me today as I ponder all the things I could sell. This in and of itself doesn't make me debt free, but it is the next step. Money is never the root of things, there is always something else going on. You see with everything or experience you debate giving up, there are relationships attached and so much more. Yet when you open your hand to those, that is when the Lord just steps in and drives. According to Dave, you are supposed to sell so much stuff, your kids think they are next. We have already sold everything in our minds, but the Lord brought to mind a few more... ouch!

After our study last night, I came home thinking, okay what can we do? We keep coming back to the fact that all the corners we can cut, it is pretty hard to do his 7 steps on one income with 5 kids. So we brainstormed about other sources of income, etc.... we tried to come up with anything really so that we didn't have to give up more is the bottom line. Maybe God is leading us to do something in addition to what we are, but we are praying He will reveal this. As I prayed for this, God led me to the Scripture of Mary and Martha. Once again, God uses this Scripture in my life to show me, don't think you have to go and work your hiney off until all are stressed and miserable. You can sit at my feet and slow down, and I will meet all your needs.

As I read to the kids last night ( the Jesus Storybook one... my favorite)... I did the whole, turn to a random page and start. Of course it was all about hidden treasure (Matthew 13). It talked about when someone was digging and they found the treasure, how they went and did everything they could to go get that field... they sold EVERYTHING! They repeat this twice in the children's bible... ugh.... Then it talks about that "Coming home to God is as wonderful as finding a treasure! You may have to dig before you find it. You might have to look before you see it. You might even have to give up everything you have to get it. But being where God is--being in his kingdom--that's more important than anything else in all the world." God is the real treasure...If we want to be in God's kingdom, which means be in the places (not actual physical ones) where God is king... what does that look like in each of our lives?

What was God's treasure... His son... think what he had to give up.

The Lord is doing some amazing stuff. He has put together a retreat for adoptive moms, which was originally supposed to be 25 people, with maybe 25 back up spots reserved just in case. In one week, 250 moms signed up! I was just excited to get away and have down time with other women similar to myself, but check out www.createdforcare.org and you will see that there are so many amazing break out sessions and then a scheduled "date with God" for each of us. In addition to learning about attachment, hair care, adopting HIV babies, and more, we get to paint, do yoga, and just be with other like-minded believers. Just four years ago, I could count on one hand the people I knew who had adopted. Today, I couldn't begin to stop listing the number of people. I think back to Andy Stanley's book about God revealing visions at certain times. Adoption is a big one that God is calling HIs people to. I love to see this lived out around me and for my oldest to confess to me one night that he believed everyone at some point in life gets adopted because everyone he knew was adopted it seemed.

"God sets the lonely in families..." (Psalm 6:86... the name of our ministry at church).... To see the body of Christ say, "we got 'em"... "we will take 'em" is such a visual to me of how God adopts us into His family. It has nothing to do with families like us being great... we are not! It is that the Holy Spirit speaks to each of us and HE is the one who pulls this whole thing off, giving us the love we need, the energy, the finances, and so much more. We serve an awesome God. I stand in awe and can't wait to see what He has for us.

Anybody doing Dave Ramsey? It seems the entire U.S. is doing Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. We happen to be blessed by going to church that wants 80% of its members to go through it and pays for your babysitting! Andy and I have no trouble finding time for this. I am such a numbers nerd that any budget talk, I get excited. I don't enjoy doing all of the number crunching, but I do like knowing where the dollars are going. One of the compliments I get the most is "you guys are so good with your envelopes"... I think it is funny because truly, people admire people who use cash, but what they don't know is that for the 10 years we have been doing the envelopes, we were believing this subtle lie of , "yeah we are doing well". What I wasn't willing to see was that I wasn't stopping when the envelope was out... I was just borrowing from another one. Some would say, "not so bad"... well it gets bad when you are out of money 10 days short of the next pay check and you eat into your next one and you borrow from that one. By the end of the year, you borrowed too far ahead and you move that little chunk, which now became cumulative to your Home Equity line (that is if you are lucky enough to have one, especially in this economy). So a little too much information about us, but what I am trying to say is that we are NOT good with our money. We don't like to say NO when the money is out. We find strategic ways to work around having to say no, and then we say, "oh we are doing better than others." Sound like comparing...? Not good.

So through only three weeks, I can say I have learned SO much. I didn't realize that Home Equity lines didn't even exist fifty years ago. People didn't even use credit cards years ago. I am loving learning these wise little truths that you can hear your grandmother preaching. We just do it all in the name of "I deserve it!"... it has been a hard day or I just have to get out or I just have to have _______. As Dave says, you have to get gazelle intense. That cracks me up... what in the world does that mean? It means that gazelles outsmart their predator, which is the cheetah (fastest animal around). I think that gazelles typically outsmart the cheetah 93 times out of 100 ( I think I botched that statistic, but you get the point).

Here is a description of what it means to be gazelle intense...
I’ve heard the term “Gazelle Intensity” a fair number of times, but I’d never looked up its official meaning. How it was explained to me was basically that a gazelle has to be very focused and intense to escape becoming a cheetah’s meal.
According to Ramsey, gazelle intensity is a role play exercise. The gazelle has to be smarter, not faster, than the cheetah to escape it. In Ramsey’s world, you are the gazelle, and the credit card company is the cheetah. To escape the cheetah, you must be smarter than it. Just as the gazelle has to bob and weave to avoid the cheetah’s single minded straight line attack (apparently, a cheetah is only super-fast when running in a straight line), we must bob and weave and stay on our toes like a gazelle with never-ending intensity to avoid the credit card’s evil single-minded attack via numerous offers and specials and rewards.

So the bottom line is you list all consumer debt that you have and you go gazelle intense...this could be Andy and me before the study is over.



So it takes an average of 3 years to get yourself out of consumer debt (that includes Home Equity lines.... even additions I ask?). The whole idea is to begin to save up the cash and then pay for all your wants and desires. Who wants to do that? I don't... yet then you can really live like no one else lives because you never pay interest on one thing, you just MAKE the interest. What a different philosophy. Then it begs the question... "well you have to live a little." Do you? Aren't we living a little by having a car, a house, a washer and dryer, heat and water?

I think I could do the infomercial for him at this point, but I will have to say if you don't do his study, read his book "The Total Money Makeover".

I have maxed out our grocery budget and according to Dave, when it is out, it is out... so today I put together "goodie bags" for the kids for snack knowing they would see the drawer had only Ritz crackers and almonds. I threw in five gummy bears, sliced apples, raisins that I had on hand. Bobby says at dinner, "I really liked those bags Mom." Little did he know it was just a disguise so he wouldn't say, "We don't have ANY food." I have no clue what we will come up with Jan. 31rst... 6 more days :).

I don't think I want to be this.

I am in the Dollar Store with Thomas, Andrew, and Sydney and the lady is waiting in front of me looking at the children. Sydney with a booming voice says, "I tooted!" pause looking around her, "Do you smell me?"

I could not help but smile and just look down at my feet as if I did not hear that. The things that are funny around your home that you accept and don't discipline, when you go out in public, you pay for. You realize your acceptance of potty humor can come right in the face of another without any warning. The confidence you grow as an adult.

I think I am a closet homeschool mom because having an artist for a mother, I dig crafts! I got to enlist Andy's help and get all the gets to paper mache! I have this nice little center piece now on my kitchen table that each child contributed to. This is one of those crafts that they really did on their own after I guided here and there. I love that kind because the other kind I get so bogged down in my perfectionism and the fact that they are messing the craft up, I get bummed at myself. This one I got to just delight in and not have to fake that they weren't messing it up! Isn't amazing how in every activity God is doing so much more by showing us our weaknesses and how much we need HIM!

As you can see in the picture above, Bobby had an intense sledding accident where a tree branch went in his mouth and cut his mouth, chin, and forehead. Thankfully now that it has been three days, it has healed really well. He came screaming with blood everywhere and I did one of those "faking" it moments and acted so calm and thought oh dear, we are in some trouble here in his mouth. Thankfully, he was spared and so were we from having to drive in the ice to the ER!

When have we ever missed this much school and have been unable to leave the house... not in my lifetime here! It feels just unrepeatable. This break has satisfied something so deep in my soul. To slow to this pace is beautiful. I love not having anything to do; finding all those things you have shelved for months that take way too much time to pull down and do. I love watching movies, drinking hot chocolate, getting all snow gear on and just feeling that cool, crisp air while you are sweating underneath. I love that the activity is just the go outside. That is what is all about. My FAVORITE memories as a child were snow storms. Patience is deep, gentleness abounds, and memories are made. Children are cared for in ways that busyness neglects. No begging to do things that aren't possible, just laziness, yet productiveness. Finding all the stuff in the pantry you don't know why you own and making concoctions. After doing that, realizing it didn't taste all that great and baking something sweet that fills that desire. We are hoping for one more day off, making it a 10 day relaxation stint! Bring it on...

It really happened... I got to have a GIRL birthday party! I didn't know how much I was wanting it for me. I was so glad to have little ladies SIT at a table and be entertained instead of BOYS who RUN, JUMP, and need an activity at every moment. It was adorable; she had her little princesses over dressed up, and we painted nails and put on makeup. I really do think I had more fun than she did.

It takes snow in Atlanta for five days to finally be able to catch up from Christmas. As you can see from the pictures, the big gift was a field goal. Andy had a ball building it. Thomas looked out our bathroom window early Christmas morning and didn't see it because it was behind a tree in front of the window, and he said, "he must have brought it inside or given me a miniature one." When he got downstairs and there was a football, he looked a little puzzled. Bobby ran outside and spotted it, and then Thomas followed. He grinned from ear to ear. Bobby wanted "pylons"... I didn't even know what those were! Andrew, of course, Star Wars and Syd, a princess movie. I loved watching the joy on their faces and seeing how old they have gotten. This year our Christmas was so much calmer and there was so much more time together versus putting things together. I can't believe Sydney is 3 and all of them are out of diapers! Whew.... and now we are doing this again... who know we could be so crazy or dumb? Depends on the day, eh? Just kidding!