Surrendering to the Unknown

On Saturday, we had nothing on the calendar and had a yard day of little things to do, along with some slide n'slide fun as well. The kids have begged me since February to get it out, and I told them when it hit 80 degrees I would ( next time I am saying 90 degrees). I went from making lunch, to picking up toys, to painting a table, etc... Sydney, meanwhile followed me around from task to task. She waited patiently especially while I painted a table. I could tell she was getting really bored so I looked at her suddenly and said, "Do you want to play hide-n-seek?" Her response was right from the heart, right from a female with eyes wide, " I like you Mommy!" It was like she said, yes, you got it... I am tired of doing all this stuff, can we please play? It amazes me the few times I in tune enough to realize 5 minutes of fun goes a LONG way with children.

I tried it again today. My email inbox was filling up by the minute it felt like so I served Sydney some lunch and thought, I could go and respond to a few of those, but for some wonderful moment of grace, I thought, no, I should just sit and look Sydney in the eye for once. I confess as all others moms know, it is so hard to "be" at times when we are such "to do" people. So I am just talking with her and she has her princess costume on for lunch. After two minutes of engaging with her, she looks right at me with eyes WIDE once again, "Mommy, do youuuuuuu want to dress up?" Like, hey you are really into me again, do you want to play? I put a yellow wig on which once again made her life it felt like. If only, I could pause right now and tell myself every hour, she will only be 3 one time...

I am on a roll tonight... here are some pictures of Thomas when he was born...look at my young husband. 10 years can really change a lot. Look at how I got to take a nap... :)

I am not one to put horrible pictures of myself up for people to see, but I came across these tonight and wow, did it take me back. When I was pregnant with Bobby I found out at 14 weeks I had a dermoid cyst on my ovary that was the size of a baby's head. There was a low risk that it could burst so one doctor recommended I take it out immediately and another one in the same practice recommended leaving it. Having never been pregnant, I think the level of stress in this situation was highly intense knowing the stakes were high. I remember the moment you find out your pregnant, the stakes are high that fear is going to creep in and take away the gift you have just been given. It is that first lesson of learning how to trust and surrender either way God's will be done. Not an easy task... never mastered, but bits of it tasted in the circumstances of our lives.

For the first 16 weeks of pregnancy, I hugged a porcelain bowl! I was in my last year of seminary and Andy had his first job. We lived in Concord, MA in a 400 square foot apartment that was in someone's house. We used their back staircase to get to our little cozy space. We moved there two weeks before I found out I was pregnant and all of our friends lived 50 minutes away. This year of my life truly shaped me more than any other. I was ALONE, SICK, SAD, and all I had was the Lord. God stripped me of my need to "do" anything for him. I had to realize that just lying in bed was enough for Him. I taught myself to sew by reading books and watched the entire Dawson's Creek episodes. I still hear that theme song, and I am right back in that apartment with 2 feet of snow outside.

I had to have surgery at 21 weeks to remove it, and of course there was risk of delivering early, which at 21 weeks is not viable. After the surgery, I ended up in excruciating pain for three hours where there were 5 factors that signaled infection, and I had 4 out of 5. The irony was I presented that way, yet I had a fever because I was on a heating pad and I had pain because I had GAS! So after all that, things calmed down, but I was allergic to the tape they used on the stitches so I got blisters all around the stitches....





Okay I know I look awful, but I had to show that scar! Here is the result of all that pain...

I had to put Sydney in her princess dress that a dear friend I ran into at Old Navy bought her...she asks for it every other day with her tap shoes.

Something I have been reflecting on this week was the paradox of how we see our weaknesses and how others see them. Each of us knows probably our top three weaknesses, yet hopes that the world doesn't see them. They most likely see them a lot clearer than we do. Isn't it funny how you can see others blind spots easier than your own? It scares me sometimes to think about all the things God will slowly and gently reveal to me over time if I were to see them all now. Thank goodness for Jesus' grace to shine that light in our dark places one at a time or sometimes a few at a time. If he just turned on all the lights, we couldn't deal. Those top three don't just creep up once a month, but typically you see them daily or weekly. My devotion today highlighted and reiterated more than once, be careful to give advice... make sure you have been really, really, really patient before diving in there. What wise counsel. If I could only write out all the times, I have jumped into Jesus' seat and decided to play Holy Spirit! I am surprised at this point, God hasn't just struck me down dead. That still small voice just keeps whispering, become an intercessor... that is all you need "to do". To focus on the power of what God can do through prayer deserves more of my attention. My thoughts go so quickly to "what is my job? what should I say? what should i do?" You realize in marriage that you don't need to do anything.... just need to hold a hand, cry with someone, listen, and say, "this is hard." I have learned this through a few friends that I have who have demonstrated how to meet that deep place in my heart that just needed to be listened to and not fixed. So thankful God has brought girlfriends into my life with sensitivity who love me with all my faults.