Swilor Family

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

With Mother's Day coming, I started thinking what I could get my mom that would show her how much she means to me. Every holiday I try to come up with a gift that she would love, but nothing seems right. It's all stuff. Stuff is fun, but it doesn't show her how much I appreciate her and love her.

I started thinking about how different it would be to be a mom then than it is now.

I went to your house and borrowed your photo albums. You've always been such a fun mom doing fun things with us. Simple things. Making fun out of whatever we do. I remember going to different parks all the time. Going to the movie on dollar night. Roller skating at 49th Street Galleria. Picnics and sleepovers in the front room. Family vacations to Bear Lake. Remembering all the fun things you did for us makes me want to do these with my kids now. It's the memories we made that makes me want to fill my kids days with fun adventures.

I take tons of pictures and choose favorites to post on social media for family and friends to see. It's fun to be able to see what others are doing and to be able to share what we are doing. You took pictures with film and only caught the major moments and had to hope you got a good one, but wouldn't know until you got the roll developed. Then you spent lots of time making these treasured books that we can look back at now.

With Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest I can use other mom's brilliant ideas for fun or for teaching my kids about something we are learning in school. I was looking at pictures of our birthday parties. All three of us had summer birthdays and all of our parties looked like the same idea. Slip n slide in the yard, ice cream cone cupcakes, and gifts given while singing "Heavy, heavy hangover thy poor head. What do you wish with a bump on your head?" Simple and so much fun. Perfectly planned without Pinterest.

I can't imagine what it was like raising 3 kids as a single mom. Being a mom is hard work! This is something you don't fully understand until you have been a mom. I know I didn't realize that you had to work extra hard to take care of us. You worked all day (in a daycare with other kids!) and then came home and fed us dinner and did the housework and helped with homework. Yet, you still took us to the pool and wherever else we wanted to go. Thank you for loving us the way you did and still do.

You loved me when I was least lovable. The years I thought I knew everything and was too cool for it all too. The times when I thought it was way better to hang out with my friends than my mom. Even when I called you "My Aunt's Sister" instead of my mom, because you and your sister came to my work dressed crazy to embarrass me. :) Now, I can look back at that and know you did it out of love. And I can look back and realize that I clearly did not know everything. What was I thinking when I fixed my hair?!

It was during these years that I remember you giving me a Bible that I never read and sat in the top of my closet. You took me to Christian concerts and gave me Christian CD's and WWJD bracelets. All of which I thought were weird.

You met Jesus and wanted to share that with me.

I wouldn't meet Him until just after I got married. As a mom, and now believer, I can't imagine wanting anything more for my own kids than for them to know and love Jesus. The one who loved them so much that He died on the cross for them. The only constant in life. The one they can trust when I let them down. The only one who can save their souls from death. Thank you for sharing Jesus with me and praying for me even before I was ready to put my faith in Him. I am eternally thankful that we can share the joy and hope of Jesus.

As I got older and obviously wiser, you became my best friend again. You were always my best friend, but now I wasn't too cool to admit it. You are the most fun to be around. Everyone loves you. But, not everyone gets to call you Mom. You are the life of the party, making everything more fun. You are always good for a laugh. Sometimes laughing at you, but mostly with you.

You were there with me when I had two of my three babies. I loved having you there. And when I chose to have a more private delivery when Gabe was born you were just as happy for me as you were when you got to experience the whole ordeal. And let's be honest, no one needed to be there to see me in all my glory when I thought I could handle an induced labor unmedicated. How did you do it?!

Not only are you the best mom, but Zac, Lucy, and Gabe (and all the rest of your grandkids) are so blessed to have you as their Grandma. Thank you for all the fun you are to them. Thank you for all the help you are to me. Thank you for just listening to me share the joys and challenges of being a mom. Thanks for even laughing at me when it's rough and reminding me that it really is not a big deal. Thank you for letting me know it's ok to not have it all just right. Thank you for encouraging me and telling me how great I am doing, especially when I'm in the thick of it with three kids 4 and under. It is hard, but it is so good.

Some of my favorite times with you were when you blessed Luke and I (and Zac and Lucy) by letting us stay with you while we were between homes. The late nights we stayed up talking were the best. Maybe not the wisest, but I'm so thankful anyway. It had been a rough year with much loss. I'm blessed by the conversations we had talking about life here and our hope that we have in Jesus eternally. That by His grace alone we are saved. I have such peace and joy in that. Even when times are hard we can find joy in Jesus. What a gift! I am so thankful He chose you to be my mother.

Last year on Mother's Day at church.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom! I love you so much!

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Redeemed

I posted about my miscarriage before. Just 10 days after it happened. I have more to share about my experience. There is more to my story.

It has now been 8 1/2 months. Had I carried my baby to my due date, I would have a 2 week old baby in my arms. I don't have a baby in my arms, but I do have joy and peace that I will one day be rejoicing with my sweet baby in Heaven. Worshiping our King together. Knowing that has made this experience a blessing.

This past year has been so painful. My faith has been challenged and strengthened. Within just a month or two I had lost my baby, my Grandpa, my Great Grandma, and my cousin to cancer in his early 20's, and saw one of my best friends lose her dad to cancer. The loss of my family members still does not seem real. I felt guilty that the loss of my baby made these other things seem less important. Maybe God used my own loss to draw me to Him and gave me peace that what matters is eternal and He is King. He rules over all, even death. God did give me peace about the loss of each of my family members I lost. My reaction to it all was not as expected and the reality is becoming more clear as time goes on.

I remember vividly putting my complete trust in God when I cried out to him nearly 5 years ago that I was done relying on myself for things and was giving it all to Him. He was faithful and He had my trust completely. I thought that was a normal, easy thing for all new Christians. I have learned trust doesn't come easy for everyone, but it did for me. I have never not trusted God fully, until I lost my baby. I was overcome with fear. I didn't realize the extent of it until just recently, but I had become a slave to this fear.

My fear was not that I would miscarry again. It wasn't that I wouldn't get pregnant again. My fear was that I would be afraid my entire pregnancy if I did get pregnant. I love being pregnant so much. I did not want to be worried of what could happen. I was afraid of being afraid. The very thing I used to get frustrated over when others simply didn't trust God. Funny how that happens. My husband for example is a worrier. He worries about things that may happen. I have made fun of him and gotten frustrated by this very thing. And now it was me.

I personally did not struggle seeing other women pregnant, or when friends who were pregnant at the same time as me were having their babies, or even when it came to my own due date. I know many women who have had these challenges. I am so thankful I did not have that added emotional stress. Thank you Jesus.

My challenge came after the two months were up that the doctor told me to wait to try to get pregnant again. Now it was up to us to decide when to try again. I knew I wasn't ready. I told Luke how I felt and he was absolutely ok with waiting, although I knew he was ready. There was no pressure to try again. We know we are blessed by the two beautiful children God has blessed us with. For me it wasn't a question of if we would try again, but when. I just knew I wasn't ready yet.

Every month when it was time to decide if we would try or not, I would have a major emotional break down. Poor Luke. I was so afraid of getting pregnant and being afraid, that I allowed myself to become unaffectionate with Luke. I knew that each month I was going to break down. In a serious, ugly way. I knew that Luke supported my decision and was so loving and comforting to me. I still allowed myself to feel guilty for not being ready. This is where I felt I wasn't trusting God. That I was relying on myself to make decisions about getting pregnant. I questioned whether I was trusting God or being selfish in allowing my feelings to get in the way of allowing God to bless me.

I was praying to God, but I often didn't even know what to pray for. I didn't have words to say. I didn't want to talk about what I was feeling, because I was sad and afraid. I didn't want Luke to worry about me or for me. I couldn't put my own thoughts together in my mind, so how could I share my thoughts with him or even with God. Thankfully God knows my heart before I even think or speak.

Physically, I never had any pain from the miscarriage. However, my periods were horrible for 6 months. They were so heavy and I had cramps worse than I can remember. And to add to the fun, my cycle was 23 days. I swear I felt like I was having 2 a month! One month I felt like I was ready to try again. That month I had the worst period of all. The bleeding was so heavy, I thought I was having another miscarriage. This changed my mind about being ready all over again.

I was surprised how many women have experienced a miscarriage. My heart breaks for all of these mamas. I was also surprised at how many women had shared their story with me and yet didn't relate with my same struggles and experience. That was challenging. It took nearly 6 months before I talked with a friend that had the same feelings and worries. She didn't even specifically have a miscarriage, but took years to get pregnant and then had the fears of what could happen to her baby she was carrying. I shared in my previous post that I saw gray tissue that looked like a tiny cord and sac. I had still not heard anything like this until my friend shared what she saw. That somehow made me feel more sane and comforted me.

After talking with these two dear friends and sharing our experiences and relating in a way that I hadn't yet was so uplifting, encouraging, and healing. I hate that they have gone through it, but what a blessing that God uses our struggles for each other's good.

I shared with the women in my small group from church how each month I had this major breakdown and the fears that I had. It was then that I realized how fearful I was. That I had let it overcome me. I feared each month making a decision. I pulled away from being affectionate with Luke. I was not trusting God fully. I was broken.

It was just a couple of days later that I gave it all back to God. I told Luke that I was so sick of being afraid and that the only way to get over my fear was to dive right in.

I went to a Women's Retreat with women from church. God broke me there. I had put up walls and He broke them down and revealed to me many things that I need to give to Him completely. He used this experience to show me that I was not being emotionally vulnerable with Luke. I realized that I was bitter. He would excitedly ask, "Do you think you are pregnant?!" I did not share his excitement and was hurt by it. I came home and apologized and God is strengthening our relationship more and more each day.

I shared with my group about my miscarriage and that I just wanted to trust God again like I used to. I was gently told by one woman that God doesn't want me to trust like I used to. He wants my trust in a whole new way. I was floored by that. She is right. What a blessing her words were to my soul.

I have learned that God may give me struggles not just to teach me. He may give me struggles so that I can share with others. It is not about me. It is all about God and for His glory to be seen.

After coming home from that retreat, I have realized that God has redeemed this entire experience. He has freed me from being a slave to the fear that once gripped me. He is Holy. Sovereign. My Father who loves me more than I can ever love my own children.

Update: I want to add this journal entry from a Bible Study I was doing. It was dated March 10, 2014. Here's a link to the sermon that was so helpful for me. http://lifelinecommunity.com/sermons/ It is called From Womb to Tomb - Genesis 2.7-9. Dated January 19, 2014. By Pastor Bryan Hurlbutt. It is under the category Pro Life.

S- Psalm 139:14 "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."

O&A- Crazy how these verses have spoken deeply to my soul over the past 6 months since my miscarriage. I had been thinking about what exactly it meant to be "fearfully made". The following week was a sermon about abortion. God is so awesome how He answers questions at just the right time in such a meaningful way. I sobbed through the sermon about the thought of the perfect little baby God created even at only 6 weeks gestation. God took time to form each of us uniquely. Not only physically, but he created (that feels like the wrong word???) our souls. Formed. Knitted. Intricately woven. His eyes saw our unformed substance (our embryo). As an embryo we have all the properties of a human being. Everything we need to do all we can as an adult person. Our pastor explained this as taking a full sheet of paper and folding up into a tiny piece of paper. As it is unfolded you see that it was always had the properties of a full piece of paper, just in a different form. (That was a very poor explanation of his beautiful example.)

The following week I looked up fearfully: with great reverence and heart-felt interest and respect.

And wonderfully: unique, set apart, uniquely marvelous.

This was so beautiful to me. The thought of God taking time to create each and every single one of us. Especially at the time, my baby that is rejoicing with Jesus.

P- Dear God, Thank you for these verses again. I'm not sure I related to them the way most doing this study today did, but I am grateful that I got to ponder on them again today. This time miraculously without tears. Progress? I pray that you would continue to heal my heart and use my situation for Your glory and my good and to bless others through my struggle. I pray that in your perfect timing you would bless us with another perfect, fearfully and wonderfully made little baby. I pray that I would trust you and not be afraid. It is so hard. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen

Well, I made it without tears until typing, "It is so hard." Almost! ;)

It is great to be able to look back at this and see how God has answered my specific prayers. God is good.

Monday, December 30, 2013

Tilly's Birthday

We started Tilly's birthday party with singing Happy Birthday. Then had to rush to our carriage ride and come back to finish the party.

Back for a real party! Aunt Ashley and her little ducklings playing follow the leader.

"2"

One of my favorite pictures of Quinn. Beautiful smile.

Helping Tilly open more presents.

Carriage Rides

The next part of our party was a carriage ride downtown to see the lights.

Cold?

Hi, Avrie!

With our horse, Hank.

Zac gave the horse some carrots for a late night snack.

Grandma Mary had never been to City Creek, so we walked through and gave her a quick tour.

And got hot chocolate! Boy, did Zac love this treat!

Zac and Lucy love Trax.

The traditional cousin picture in front of the trees at Little America. Avrie looks so grown up and pretty. Lucy is giving Tilly her giddy little grin she only gives Tilly. She loves her so much!