never let it fade away

4 hours to get photos printed, buy notebook/photo album, prepare draft for tutorial.
All this for a girl who has to depend on public transport to get to shops.

How to ask for help? What help to ask for? To drive me to the shops, help me decide on photo album, take over the entire "bday present project" so I can try to get some work done on my draft?
How to ask, when everyone has their own agenda?

Sometimes I think that I'm the only one who cares about this. I recall each classmate writing bday wishes on handmade cards which almost always turn out to be remenicenses o friendship over the years. Was it because we had more years together? (No, we spend almost every hour in the week together via fb, msn, plurk and out o class trips) Spend more time together in a confined space? (No, all the late night studio hours should make up for it)
Or did people "feel" more back then?

What happened to all the feelings, "gan xing"ness and ties o friendship?








This "proving to him that he's got friends" is harder than I thought. Mayb he's right about not having friends.
Or mayb none o us are really friends, we just pretend to be so that we can hang out together?

T.T

My group leader has gone to bed. He is healthier than me in the sense that he falls asleep before 1am most days and wakes up early around 7, although he does not eat any vegetables at all.

Can I go to bed too? I'm tired though I slept thru most o my 1.5hour bus journey home, probably because it's now 1.20am and although I'm not as healthy as my group leader I still feel sleepy after 1.

Was in a very bek cek kind o mood just now. Tried to deal w too many things at once. Have got 2 group assignments going on while I tried to finish off the ex's bday present.

Aah. So now he's called "the ex".

Sometimes I feel lonely when I'm not needed. Like noone will notice if I disappear into thin air (highly impossible due to failure o diet).
Today was one o the days when I want to stop the world from depending on me.

I volunteered to compile info cuz I know I can do it well and since I know how everything goes I might as well help distribute the presentation slides. And then everyone starts asking me to explain the compilation as well as their respective presentation details. THAT was why I stepped down (fr being group leader) for the 2nd project, apparently not down enough.

Later Nick started quizzing me about BSci and I realized how much work we still have in order to complete the draft for tomorrow's tutorial. So I called up the file and got swamped from trying to take note o what is missing. I know someone has to look at the overall report and find out what's not where, but could it not be me, tonight? It feels almost like doing an individual project.

And then there's the problem o the ex's present.
Being the person to think and promote this idea is hard enough. Single-handedly I had to look up his friends and explain about needing their help. Alone I tried to make sure everyone sent in the required stuff on time. All the badgering, threatening and pleading... Having to make decisions by myself about printing and arranging is too much! If this is to b a group present, I need help...

I am tired o standing up. I want someone to take charge and tell me exactly what he wants me to do.




What about someone who could willingly freely and constantly listen to my whines, complaints and worries? Nowadays I don't whine as much cuz everyone has their own problems. I try to be the one they lean on.

But I'm tired o being alone. I want someone to stick by my side and go thru my stuff w me..




Yes, I've finally learnt to be independent. But I'm tired..............

... and I'm the one to make it so.
Think I'm probably suffering from PMS, PHD or something (yeah, blame it on the body). Snapped at people for no good reason all day long and even decided to lunch alone w the books on Dad's PDA in the cafeteria. I've not willingly chosen to do that since... Jr 1.

No, it's not my 3D model not working out. So far I've got all the doors and windows in and am working on the external facade.
It's not studio work, cuz I've not been given any jobs to do so far.
It's not the building construction group assignment (o which I'm group leader), cuz I've delegated the jobs (quite fairly, if I may say so myself) and my part doesn't come till compilation.
What else could be the problem?!??

I think I wnna go home to bed =(
...... it's only 6.24pm.

Sorry for d constant whinning here, ppl~ It's like the only place I can go on and on about something... In the real world everyone (and I mean EVERYONE, including the people at home) has their own homework problems.

11.02pm
I just want to draw a door. And put it in the wall. Is it THAT hard?!?!!
-- 1 hour since I started drawing the door....

11.10pm
I got my hole for the door!! HOORAY!!

11.14pm
WHY does my door only have a frame on one side?!!

11.45pm
BREAK!!

12.15am
Might as well go to bed...
*sets alarm for 6.30am

1.15am
Falls asleep thinking bout model

..... the Next day
9.15am
*jumps out o bed* Shucks my model!!

10.20am
FINISHES DOOR AND GROUND FLOOR WALLS!!!!! *skips around in excitement*

10.30am
Starting on windows next =(

......I'm giving up on Mesiniaga for the mo. For someone who has not quite grasped the ropes o 3d modeling softwares... it really is too much. Doing some normal old bungalow instead.

It feels like a defeat that I've not even got the building off the ground... Got stuck at the first step >> tracing the plan! Is the building too complicated or what =(

Missed church this morning cuz I couldn't get up on time then wanted to spend more time figuring out 3dmax. But going for some church opening thing (St. Thomas Moore Church, somewhere subang area) later~ Spending time w the Big-Guy-up-there is a Must on Sundays.

Sigh.

Back to work.

Have been doing the same thing since this morning, which is to worry about my 3D model w/o doing anything towards the end product.
Granted, MESINIAGA is not easy but not that difficult.
Apparently I'm THAT good at procrastination.

Well, just this last bit o break (procrastination) and then I'd REALLY start on modelling.
What to blog about (again)?

Just an update on my Chinese blog, in case you're wondering what d password for 我们就到这[句点] is, it's "fullstop" k?
It's a post in response (kind o) to what my friends told me, what some o them were saying about me. I did not realize that someone actually thinks that I do not have the right to feel sad over the breakup, just because I'm the one to initiate it. If I felt sad, why breakup, they ask? Especially when the guy does want me back.
Argh. I DON'T want to explain myself further.
Why talk about my feelings and I all the time? I am just a speck in the big world.
No, I'm not feeling cynical. It really is what I believe in right now.

Not that I'm gnna stop disecting my feelings and boring ppl to death about them from now on. Just that my feelings about the breakup and the reasons for it, is clear. I've made them known enough times.

FULLSTOP.













THAT was over. I will get used to being single/available and start happily anticipating the next round o emotional rollercoasters.
Edmund got it right in his first text, God is preparing me for someone special, and preparing that someone for me.
Aww. Isn't that sweet of Him?




ok, back to 3D modelling.

God in Heaven, you know how hard it is for me to concentrate on only one thing at a time. If I promise to switch off all youtube, blogger and windows live messenger windows, can you help me w my model? By granting me a clear mind in deciphering the plans/photos/drawings, and in thinking out ways to construct the model. Thank you, I love You!

ahh. I think I remember the quote at the end o my last post.
Gingee the gingerbread man fr Shrek 2 said "Wheezes on you guys".
*nvm ignore this. It's not important*

Another half month since I updated here.. Anything worth blogging?
Hmm... A site visit to Melaka (got slightly sunburnt), running a RM7.00 fine (and still increasing!) in my school library, learning a 7-page new song for Easter, work, work, more work...?
Oh and Caramel gave birth again. lol~ Definitely giving away at least a couple o lil hamsties.


Have learnt to give the fake smile when ppl (who still haven't caught on) tease me about "us", and shrug casually when asked for his whereabouts/well-being. Though I did feel so guilty about carrying on this deception-by-ommission that I actually pulled a guy aside after class and told him that we've ceased to be "us" since a few months ago. Better to embarrass him now than later.

Still struggling to watch my two good friends couple in front o me. I love them lots, they've never complained about having me tag along sometimes, esp when they could tell that I feel lonely, but I don't like being a lightbulb at any time, nor do I feel good about having couples around me. All the loving is making me sour. Yeah, I'm being a selfish friend.

Had to stop myself fr going on a rebound a week or two ago. Kinda hate myself for being weak enough to even consider it. Purlezz. It's not fair nor right for either o us. I'm just lonely and unused to singles life, that's ALL.
Someone once told me it takes double the time you've known a person to forget him/her. Statistics have shown that it takes longer than that for me. Goodness. I've started being "single but not available" exactly 11 mths ago. By this rate I'd b ok by the time I graduate =.=





I don't miss him. I don't feel the need to talk to, text, or see him.
I don't want to organize his birthday celebration, nor his present. Since when have I become the person who knows him best?!
I absolutely DON'T want my friends to make us sit together during lunch, or work together for group assignments... EVER AGAIN. If I'd wanted to appropriate blame it'd be their fault for us rushing into this mess in the first place.






Ok, I admit it. The only reason I've not gone on an all-out hideout fr him is because I don't want him to be alone. I know that the main reason he hangs out w the gang during lunch or for someone's b'day party is because I'd be there.
No boasting/self-promoting intended. It's just a fact.
He's got friends, but social gatherings aren't his thing. He attended his first ever party in uni on my invitation and promise that I'd be there (although he started foundation a year ahead).

This can't go on, I know. He has to learn to hang out and chill more (yes, although I'm no social butterfly I am at least better than him)... No way I could look out for him all the time. Anyway it's none o my business, right?





Sigh. It hurts to carry on like nothing happened w him.
A friend asked how we could still be so close after the breakup? I smiled and told him because.




What I meant to say was because I'm strong.
I emo, I sad, I stand on the studio corridor facing the over-parked carpark and let the wind mess up my hair.
But I'd be ok...





Dear God, THANK YOU so much for every single one o my friends, especially at times like this.
Thank you for bro and sis, although all they did was to force me to play endless games o UNO.
Thank you for the companianship and encouragement fr Kev, Edmund, Angel Dear and Dai2 ZiQing.
Thank you for Michelle and Enoch who've never gave up praying for me.
Thank you for LeySoon who've teased me for "us" all these month.
Thank you for Nicholas, whom I've known for two short weeks but took our friendship for granted.
Thank you for Marcus, who've not said anything but was there w me on my road to more archi knowledge.
Thank you for HuiWei and Peter for being a couple, even in front o me.
Lastly Thank you for the ex/boy/friend, just to show me that I could be strong.









Then again, pls b there for me, dears~
I'm afraid o being lonely.