never let it fade away

Received an email from Dad earlier today, in which he said he believed that I have a gift for writing, and that could be something that can be taken seriously as a hobby, or even a pocket money generator. Thanks, Dad.

Much as it was encouraging to hear that from Dad (who only distributes praise when necessary), the truth is I am no longer confident of my writing. Why would I be, when I rarely write anything longer than a Thank-you note, or a journal entry?

I enjoyed writing when I was younger, back when we had fictional essays to write (as opposed to academic essays which were just a load of "therefore", "however", and "besides that"). I did not like factual writing. They require actual thinking, and I was not allowed to write fancy descriptions.

These days, I still pick up my pen, but only to write to-do lists, jot down ideas, or write short sentences recording my thoughts. I don't really remember how grammar goes, or how many sentences to a paragraph, and synonyms and pretty words are just a Google search away.

Was just reading Reader's Digest in the State Library yesterday, and enjoyed the 100-word readers' contribution. It was just that, a 100-word essay. Not easy for me! But a good challenge, which I would like to propose a regular feature on my blog. Will write more about this later.

It was the day before the eve of Christmas. I threw some clothes in the washing, then set out for lunch with a potential housemate. Afterwards, I wandered around West End and South Brisbane, walking in and out of busy bookstores (last minute shopping much?), picked up a movie ticket for one at a nearby cinema, then sat myself down in the State Library with a couple of magazines, until it was time for an early dinner before Paddington.

Paddington was cute. Very English, as far as I could tell, and brought back childhood memories of an animated series of the bear with red hat in London. The two old ladies in the row in front seemed to have enjoyed the movie too.

Just before heading home, I stopped for a Spanish latte (espresso with condense milk a la Spanish, aka kopi gao) while texting le Wifey who was feeling emo about being home alone while everyone else was out with friends or family.

It is now the day before Christmas. I went out to pick up some stuff, went grocery shopping, came back and cooked a quick lunch, baked some cake for the Christmas lunch tomorrow.

Is it really Christmas eve already? If I were home, I would have been nervous about the Christmas eve cantata, or preparing to go to church with my family. If I were home, I would have the family Christmas open house to look forward to, where all the friends and family would come for lunch, and then we would continue eating left overs till it's time to open the presents under the tree.

But I am here, 7000km away from home, alone. Well, le housemate and her parents are busy packing in the next room, but what I meant was, it's my first Christmas away from family. Dad promised to Skype tomorrow, and Dear is always just a text away, but still.

Just finished submitting a house application, and trying to concentrate on completing my "Responsible Service of Alcohol" course. Which is, the story of my past two weeks. That, and searching for a job. Thankfully, the latter has been addressed by an employer who might actually want to hire me as a waitress, after I get my RSA certificate. That is at least one thing to look forward to end the days of boredom and loneliness.

Is it any comfort to say it is Christmas tomorrow? That it is a brand new day, with a brand new year looming in the horizon in another week? I'm sorry, but I just drank the half glass of water that was on the table.





Still, I have a slice of Toberone Tango Cheesecake in the fridge, two trays of Kajang chocolate cake (reproduced in muffin form) cooling on the table, and a new book to read. Possibly going out for dinner tonight, or tomorrow, depending on when I choose to go to church.

As I begin this series, I thought it might be good to promote a similar series on my Mandarin blog, uninspiringly called "FlashbackT", but will settle on a unified name for it all soon.

Meanwhile, here's a reply to my blog post of August 2012, titled Sem Break. Apt start, seeing that this week marks the (official) beginning of my summer break.

First off, I have not stuck with Musicovery for the longest time ever. Not since writing the post two years ago. I am picky about my songs, and sometimes too much so. Skipping songs I don't like is a bad habit I should get out of, but have yet to do so. Using Spotify these days, it's easy to navigate, and I can instantly save songs I like to a playlist.

Next, I have yet to sort out music organization on my hard disk. In fact, over the past two years I have stopped downloading songs altogether, and have mostly been streaming my songs, or just listening to podcasts.

And I have a new laptop! Sort of. It's been with me since Dec last year, so not all that new.. Bought it with my own salary, with Dad topping up the balance when I went over-budget. Loving the speed of the CPU, but no, Wins 8 is not my favourite OS. Wanting to go back to a Mac sometime before my student discount runs out.

On the other hand, I have picked up ArchiCAD! Two years after viewing my first introductory tutorial, and then giving up two months into the semester, I picked it up again this sem when I got tired of seeing everyone use advanced BIM programs while I was stuck with basic drafting softwares. It was easier than I thought to relearn AC, and I produced pretty decent drawings and renderings IMO. Not the best ever, but I think I did well. Just as a comparison to myself.




Now for the new.
Have got some stuff lined up for summer break, although the fact I can't see beyond the next two weeks depresses me. I foresee a long, hot, and lonely break. But don't get me started on that.
- Yying and Teacher Ngiam is coming to visit me this weekend! That sounds like they're just popping by but they're actually flying 8 hours from Singapore to Brisbane!
- UQ Architecture summer/graduate exhibition. This was my research elective for this sem. More on this later.
- Portfolio and job search! Have got a list of architecture firms I would like to work for/with. Currently working on my portfolio to be sent out two months ago.

That's all for now. Cheers!





ps I thought I'd schedule this for Thursday, seeing it's the day I update my other blog, and they might as well sync so that my readers (what few there are) can read them on the same day. But this Thurs is a special day (ie extra post!), so I'll just post a couple of days early. Just for this week.

At the end of my last blog post I came up with the idea of a blog series featuring my walks home. A little background history for those who don't know, evening walks are a huge part of my life. It's always a time for me to think, talk to my best friend/bf, sing to myself, and watch the world go by. Besides, I love sunsets, and evenings have just the right temperature to be walking in tropical Malaysia.

When I was little, I walked to school every day. (#interestingfact If I walked really fast I can get to my second-floor classroom in 10 minutes, door to door) In lower primary, my mom would come get me after class, and we would walk home through the neighbourhood park. I had a decent childhood on those swings and monkey bars. And then if dad came home early, he would meet us at the park, or even if he doesn't, I would still look forward to welcoming him home. 

When I stayed in the dorms in high school, dinner was at 6pm. My friend JX is (was?) a firm believer of chewing 30 times for each mouthful after-dinner walks to aid digestions, and because I didn't have much to do anyway, I walked w her every evening. Our walks would take us around the school compound, and depending on our moods we would sometimes walk to (and then stand talking at) the flagpoles right in front, facing the busy highway, or down the basketball courts reachable by a flight of really long and steep stairs, or most times just round and round the academic blocks. These walks usually last 15-20 minutes, which is just about enough time for an installment of the latest teenage saga. We walked our way though homesickness, exam stress, family problems, boy troubles, our future careers (or lack of), and many other topics.

And then in undergrad I started taking public transport after deciding that it's much less trouble to do so than to rely on mom and dad for a ride to and from uni. I was an architecture student after all, no regular hours for us! Thus began the many walks to the bus stops. I chose to travel during those times because 1) Aforementioned cooler temperature, 2) I didn't like walking in the dark, 3) to hitch a ride with dad, and 4) aforementioned love for sunsets. Yes, I sometimes chose to brave the rush hour public transport just to catch the sunset that is prettiest round the corner to the bus stop.

After moving to Brisbane earlier this year, I treasured my evening walks even more. This was surprisingly because of the lack of regularity in my life. I have only three days of contact hours, and some of them depending on tutorial slots, so I never knew when I would spend the whole day hanging around in uni, or not step foot outside my place for days.







That's the background. Back to the series. I thought I'd share some of my observations on the walk home.

... taking a break from work, because having worked non-stop since last week, I knew I needed a break lest I just stretch till I snap. It has happened before, and we all know a grumpy sarah does not a designer make, don't we?

After the lengthy blog post last week, I am reminded of why I loved writing. There is just something satisfying about fingers flying across the keyboard, watching ideas become sentences before I think about them (and without looking at the keyboard. Yes I am proud of the fact I can type without looking). Hence I resolve to pick up writing again... but what do I write about?

Like all good creative types (ha ha), I know the value of precedents, and what better than to read my old posts? I'll have you know I have written 160 posts on this blog, 86 on its predecessor, and at least 8 years worth on my official, public (Mandarin) blog. So I looked.








I'm not sure I liked myself. I whined and complained a lot. Like seriously A LOT. I refer to my final year in undergrad Architecture (2012), where majority of the posts are homework lists or posts about crying, with a few crushes thrown in.

Then again, I suppose I still do that. Me being me, I present a stoic expressionless poker-face to the world, leading them to think Sarah is always calm, dignified, and never needs help, while privately (again, see my older blog posts), and to my close friends, I freak out at the littlest things.

"I forgot to eat dinner, breakfast, and lunch!"
"I don't think I can finish my work before the deadline!"
"I can't find my Go Card!"

I guess I'm like mom in that way. She seems very organized and easy-going, but my, how she carries on when calamity happens.


So I was saying, I read some of my older posts, looking for inspiration, and thinking I should really update some of the posts to reflect wishes granted, or plans unfulfilled.. *lightbulb moment*, I decide to write a series called "Replies!" Which is like FlashbackThursday, except I'm replying to myself... Nah, it's exactly like FlashbackT. Except "Replies!" sounds better, or maybe "Pingback!"...







ps Just before I hit Publish, I came up with an idea for another series called "the Walk home". #mentalnote

Just had a long, long talk with le bf regarding traditions. The following are my notes and personal thoughts on our conversation. They are by no means to be taken as the absolute truth. Even the ones pertaining Christianity. I love God, but I am still (and possibly thinking that I would never be able to finish) learning about Him.

Wearing red during Chinese New Year is auspicious and symbolizes bringing prosperity.
Does that mean by intentionally following this tradition, we are secretly wishing for luck to come to us? Following this thought, well-wishes and prayers ("May God grant you a clear head for your exam tomorrow").

Folklore and ethnic traditions.
Ok so Halloween is evil, because "there are always more evil rituals, animal sacrifices, desecrations of cemeteries and thefts of sacred bones at the time of the 31 October" (quote a Catholic exorcist). Hari Gawai promotes animism, which is totally in opposition to Christianity, never mind that Thanksgiving holds the same meaning, that o being thankful and giving thanks to (God, forefathers, the rain god, etc). DuanWu Festival, a day to commemorate the death o Qu Yuan (a faithful advisor to an emporor o China), should be banned, because QY actually committed suicide, and the original dumplings were made to be thrown into the river to deter fishes from eating his body, which makes it an extremely pagan festival; even though this story holds many morals (ie faithfulness, kindness).

It is not about the content at all, is it? Life is not about moralities and good values.

Tradition of cleaning ancestral graves, lighting candles and bringing fresh flowers, in remembrance o our ancestors. 
I agree wholeheartedly that they would not be smiling down from heaven because we do that. I argue that following this (family) tradition does not affect my ancestors a jot, but matters a lot to the people left behind. We take this day to remember our forefathers, what they did during their lifetimes, how they helped us; we teach our children to emulate the kindness o Great-Aunt Sally, we remind them that Cousin Matt was a cheerful young man before cancer took him from us.

These stories show us the light o Christ, or the darkness o Satan, is within each o us, and how life can throw us curve balls.

Why a special day set aside when one can easily do that any time, you ask? (Celebrating Easter, birthdays and anniversaries comes to mind. But I shall not presume.)

Baptism and Christianity. 
So Baptists practice full immersion in baptism even if God did not decree it so. Traditional Anglicans follow (most o) the Roman Catholic liturgy and a lot o their traditions (saints, Eucharist, modified 'Hail Mary's). Pentecostal Christians call to the Holy Spirit, when they should be devoting 90% o their energies to understanding the Gospel. (This last is just the basic assumption o a lot o my friends). Some churches (denomination unknown, but Protestant) even preach that good works is necessary (in addition to Jesus' D&R) for salvation.

These are the same people who identify themselves as Christians. They (mostly) acknowledge each other to be brothers in Christ.

Tell me again why Christians tend to reject Roman Catholics outright, and refuse to see them as followers o Christ?

The White Wedding Dress. 
I have not had time to look up the origins o this tradition, but Google tells me, "It is a symbol of the wife's purity in heart and life, and in reverence to God. It is also a picture o the righteousness o Christ described in Rev 19:7-8".

If it is just symbolism, can I dispense w it? If I refuse to wear white to my baptism, would they still baptize me?




Did God tell us exactly what we do in our lives, or did he just give us guidelines?

... reminds me o the days long ago in primary school when we would write lists o our favourite things to our friends in what we used to call "autograph books" (our version of a yearbook).

Anyway, after spending 20 years o giving people blank looks when they ask what kind o songs I like, which bands I follow, etc, I thought it is time for me to get my thoughts sorted, and where else but outside o my head to do that?


Recent Youtube history saw me listening to
1. Avril Lavigne. Older songs such as "Smile", "What the hell", and "Complicated".
2. Kurt Hugo Schneider. He's an awesome, awesome music producer who works w Sam Tsui, Max Schneider, and any number o good Youtube artists. He's a whiz w a good number o instruments, and has a nice, mellow voice.
3. Ellie Goulding. Getting there. "Burn" really got me though.
4. Lindsey Stirling. A recent addition too. Nad recommended "Rather Be" to me, and it just escalated from there.
5. ThePianoGuys. "Beethoven's 5 secrets", "Love Story meets Viva la Vida". Nuff said.
6. Taylor Swift. Sorry not sorry, guilty pleasure.
7. A Great Big World. "Say Something", "Already Home". Emo night just got teary.
8. SHE <3
9. Sam Tsui. "Just Give me a Reason", "Just a Dream".
10. Jayesslee. So they've gotten married and had two adorable baby boys within months o each other. And have yet to get back to singing. But their harmony is always amazing and their bubbly personalities never fail to lift my spirits.

*Jayesslee and SHE are the only two singing groups that I follow personally, ie reading about their doings, following their social media, etc, and feel confident about their characters. Others I just liked their voice/songs.

... of days since I've written. Then again I suppose my excuses are justified- the crazy submission period and then a camping trip at the beginning o summer break. 

It was hard. I stayed over at my classmate Nad's for four days, eating mechanically and sleeping only a few hours a day. Until I ko-ed at 6am on presentation day.

But it was worth it. For once I really loved my building and though I did a great job. Not that I didn't make little mistakes here and there, and that I would love to have had time to photoshop a bit more, but all things considered, I guess I should give myself a pat and say well done.



Posted this on fb, but I really just want post my thanks again to-
.. Nadeera. For putting up w me, feeding me, and listening to my "in your honest opinions, dyou prefer..".

.. my boo. Dear, I have tried to be strong and independent but sometimes I need a shoulder to lean on, or someone to give me a boost now and then. Thank you for your support the last few days.

.. Ivy. For bringing me food and being a good friends.

.. Helen. For your prayers. Comforting especially at 3am.

.. Guo Yi. For 'proofreading'.






Also, thank you God, for everything.

Have completed the #3positivethings challenge- in fact, since I couldn't find the origins of the challenge, I wasn't even sure if I was supposed to do it for 3 days, as I was tagged, or a week, as some Instagram users were doing. No matter, I am glad that I took the time to think about the positive things in my days.

Having done what I were asked to... now what? That always seem to be the question for most challenges. I remember back in high school when I fasted for Lent, a friend asked what was the purpose of fasting, or of giving up meat for 40 days? Was I a better person for that? Did my life change after that? I cannot remember what I said in reply to her.

However it is interesting, isn't it, why we do things, especially good, self-sacrificing things? Because we want to... at that time? Because it is the right thing to do? Because it may make us a better person, then again it may not?

Appeared to have skipped a day.. It was because I overslept on Day 6 and rushed off to work. Shall just combine the days and come up 6 positive things in my day. 

1. Sermon was good. Learnt a bit more about Jesus and the role he plays in our lives.

2. Did the last Christianity Explained session with Helen by the Manors pool! It was pretty awesome and deserves a post by itself

3. Helen lent me a book to read. Yay new reads!

4. My Pooh spent time on FaceTime w me, just me listening to his zombie/virus-spreading game play and him looking up at my ceiling. Fun times <3

5. FaceTime-d le family at night while they're gathered at my aunt's for the Mid Autumn Festival. Received instructions for a Chinese/Nyonya/Malaysian dessert 'Bubur Cha Cha'. Will make that soon!

6. Saw a family of ducks! Here have a picture. It totally made my day ^^

1. Passed the 1500 word count for my report! Definitely time to stop writing Sarah. 

Seems to be a good practice to write this early in the morning when I wake up. Positive thinking!

1. 9am lecture and tutorial canceled. Yay for a proper sit down breakfast!

1. Research class went well! Tutorial was super informative and I am truly interested in my research topic. 

Was just talking to ze bf last night about how much I don't want to go back (to Brisbane, where I'm one semester into my MArch), because I'd be all alone and have noone to talk to especially in my house.. He suggested writing it all in a diary. And I am reminded that I still have one of those, although I have not been writing much because I cry every time I try to face my feelings. Maybe if I let off a little emotion each day..


Came across this short article in my bookmarks, and although I'm still mostly a written word kind of person, it fits my idea of keeping a diary these days. I love writing letters as a way of avoiding conflict, or to say things that are too mushy to say out loud, I love writing just for the sake of seeing words on paper, and I sometimes sketch things that only I understand, but could not be expressed in words. But most of all, her guide reaffirms the fact that a diary reminiscent of my primary school diaries that says "Today I did.. I ate.." takes up way too much time and is harder to maintain.
Lily Edelstein- A guide to keeping a diary

... and not at all mentioning the 4000-word essay to go before tmr.


1. Listened to SHE's 花又开好了 album on Youtube.
2. Got packed rice in the fridge for my lunch, courtesy of friends from SLE church.
3. Just found out that Emma Thompson is PROF TRELAWNEY! Nanny McPhee! SL Travers! Oh well.
4. I've got a lunchtime date w ze bf.

update 9.24pm
5. Ze bf played guitar for me on our Facetime date today.
6. I had Maggie w egg for dinner.
7. I'm 1000 words into my essay now.
8. I'm ok w making tea actually. Earl Grey w condensed milk and sugar. Though it'd good to let the tea steep for longer next time.
9. Have the Incredibles in the background while working. Earlier in the day was Shrek.

... surprising how that happened when Autumn has barely arrived. We've been having a good spell of 13-23C, no complaints here.



Here are the facts of my life as I see it:
1. I don't make good coffee, and not just because I love my sugar. I've tried most combos I can think of, two/three/four ts of Nescafe with none/one/two/three/four ts of sugar with dash/half-cup/full-cup milk/skim milk... It just doesn't work.

2. I couldn't write 4500 words for my paper. I'd rather do a few more drawings.

3. My feet get cold regardless of the outside temperature. For example, my feet was under the blanky all day today, from 17-23-13C. I kid you not.

4. On my good days facebook or instagram food photos make me hungry, otherwise they make me get weird cravings.

5. I dislike late nights. Not just the staying up late to work, or drinks, or any of the nighttime activities. I just feel more vulnerable after midnight.

I'm really not a big fan of whining about stress all the time. But most of the time it's a subconscious kind of thing. Like when my whole menstrual cycle goes wacky. Or that I jump from extreme hunger one day and not at all hungry the next day. Not to mention the various ailments that disappear right after I submit my work.

Two more weeks to go. And then another month. Then a trip further down under.






... I'm definitely not the "I'm stressed therefore I lose weight type of person". Quite the opposite really. Sigh =(

... at Nadeera's place. Not going home before I finish.

- section 60
- cad quarry
- PS quarry
- cultural heritage sites 30
- Native Title land 30
- proposed circulation + bus stops 30
- proposed site zoning 30
- cad masterplan 60
- info & background 30
- goals, visions and actions 30
- building types

- perception studies

.... sitting on the sofa trying not to cry cuz

... shouted at my brother and got into a fight w him. 

It's the morning of the second day of CNY and I'm trying to clear my nose so I can sleep. I might've been able to live w a blocked nose, but a constantly overflowing nose is just too much. 

... hit me particularly hard cuz everyone is back for CNY and they all asked the same questions, where, when, how long? And don't you wonder which is harder to respond to, "bring back Aussie bf okay", or "your bf how ar, LDR very hard de wor"?

Last day of work today. Walked in 9.25am, sorted my files, answered questions, pretended not to notice preparation for farewell lunch, KFC and pizza in meeting room, departure of bosses. 

.... just practice for winter when I eventually get there.


I made two trips downstairs today, once for lunch and another for dinner. Never went past the front door at all.
I had plans for today, including the usual church, dating and baking. Thought of baking cookies for office for my farewell gift.


Instead I stayed in bed, sketching when I felt like it, and reading, and dozing.
Had a killer o a headache earlier in the afternoon which turned practically savage after a nap. Fever from lack o hydration and possibly stress/worry/notenoughqualitysleep. Whatever.



Had a long day out ytd, Love & Life meetup in the morning, usual banana leaf lunch and then a wild disconnected trip to Azam's place. I meant I spent over 2 hours, waiting by the road and then getting misdirected by Waze in transit. Had fun anyway, it's been too long since we actually spoke more than hi/bye and almost a year since we last caught up w class gossip. Will we meet again?


I remember being in one o my first group projects in uni year 1, and we had to make a scaled model of an installation. We were one Sabahan, Sarawakian, Sri Lankan, French and finally le local. Now years later, we can laugh over having spent days and days rolling up strips o paper (making this miniature cylinder) to string up and then realizing that we could've just gotten BEADS.

Also memories of being out shopping w a groupmate and walking into Gei Dak Sek (Chinese dessert shop) at ss2 and asking if the noodles contain pork. Lady was like, duh?! Ended up being vegetarian for the day. 

.... the kind that comes to you only at night when you're lying in bed telling yourself you have exactly 8 hours to sleep. So fall asleep Sarah. Now. Sleep. But sleep doesn't come and the feeling does. 

... start w Tawau. In a hopeless mood for most of the day, unable to keep my mind on anything useful. My room's a mess and I need to pack/check out accommodation/look up visa requirements/practice piano for mass tmr/read/watch dramas.. But I'm just lying in bed staring at my table.

... not good at all. How did my blog posts dwindle from 50 a year to 15 in the past year??! I love writing. I love talking nonsense to myself on the computer.. don't I?
Writing is therapeutic. It calms the soul, releases stress, trains finger-eye coordination and what-nots. WHY AM I NOT WRITING?? Explains the mess my 2013 was *shrug*
Guess it's thanks to a friend who wanted to read my blog that I realized that I needed to start writing again.

So.. abit of analyzing.. Why did I not write? The easiest explanation being... Work w the capital W. Being an assistant architect means that I sit at my desk for a minimum of 8 hours a day and CAD. What happened to blogging while working like I always do, I hear you ask? Office has blocked blogsites, Facebook and Youtube. Don't ask. But yea.. By the time I get home, I'm fed up of computers, keyboards and the screen, therefore my Macbook has been spending many lonely nights *there there my dear, I still love you*

Well. Now that I'm going back to school I will be blogging again! Hopefully. Will start w the post on Tawau as I promised... way back in 2012. *fingers crossed*







Btw ppl, le blog is now open to the public but not searchable by search engines. Tentative first step.