Well we went and looked at the puppies last night. Two words describe the litter: FREAKIN ADORABLE!!!! We walked in and the couple brought out the 4 remaining puppies in a little plastic tub. Each of us were immediately drawn to a different little puppy. Right away I saw a "bigger" guy in the corner of the tub. His eyes were just starting to open. I picked him up, he stuck out his little tongue, and gave me a wink with one blue eye looking up at me. Love at first sight.

My entire family asked a lot of questions about the puppies and about the breed of the dog. The owners were extremely nice and answered all of our questions we had. We asked her about separation anxiety when/ if we were to bring the puppy home. She has such a great idea. Since she has been breeding dogs for so long, she has learned that the puppy does better when they go home with their new family to have something that smells like their mother and brothers and sisters. So when each puppy is about 4 weeks she gives them a fleece blanket, so all the smells mix with the blanket. Then when it is time to go home, the blanket goes with the puppy, and they always can smell their family and it helps with the anxiety they may feel. Gee, kinda sounds like why I sleep with Shawn's shirts still.

The four of us sat there for about an hour playing and looking at each of the adorable little fur balls. Finally my Dad looks at me and says, "Well what do you want to do?" I looked at him and my mom and told them I knew what I wanted, but the ultimate choice was theirs because the dog would be living in their house. Yes, it would be my dog, and I would be the one taking care of it, but the dog would still be in their house, the house with two cats who rule the house. Without skipping a beat, they both said that yes, I could get the puppy, but I would really have to work with the cats to make sure the cats gets along with the puppy. So after a lot of research, talking with the breeder I can now say I'm the owner of an AKC registered Botson Terrier.

I picked out a little boy. His body is mostly black, but his tummy is all white. His back legs are all black, but one front leg/paw is all white, and the other front leg/paw is all black with 3 white toes. He has a black mask on his face with one eye being black, and one eye white. Then he has a little white stripe running down the back of his head. His face is also all squished up, being a trait of a Boston Terrier. My mom asked me if I took a camera. I told her no that I had my cell phone and that would work. But like an idiot, I can't get the pictures off of my phone and onto the computer. (can I? I'm not so tech. savey) So I can't show you pictures of my baby yet. But the breeder wants me to come back once a week so he gets used to me. So the next time I go I will take my camera.

Now for the hard question. A name. I want his name to have something to do with football, in a way to "honor" Shawn. Anybody have any cute ideas. I can call him what I want but for his papers I need to have 3 names, because he is a registered dog with the AKC. Shawn's all time favorite football coach was Bo Schembecler, head coach at U of M for 20 years. The two of them are probably "talking ball" as we speak. So I was kind of thinking of naming the puppy Bo. Then his whole name could be....Bo's Coin Toss. What do you think? Cheesy or cute. I'm open to any other suggestions.

As soon as I get pictures I will post them for you all, but I just wanted to update you all on the newest addition to our family.

My family and I are going puppy shopping tonight! I'm really excited!! Well actually we are going to go and see a litter of puppies that were born last Friday. They are Boston Terrier puppies. At first I was just going to go and look at them, but now the whole family is on board with the puppy thing and we are all going to go look at them tonight. If there is one that I want then I will put the deposit down on it tonight. They will be ready to go home on October 30. That is two days before my 31st birthday, so I figure it will be a nice birthday gift to myself. Plus Shawn always made a big deal about my birthday and we always wanted to get a dog, but couldn't where we lived. So I think this might be fate telling me that this is the puppy for me.

Over the last few days I've done a lot of research on the different breed of dogs. The Boston Terrier is a very nice breed of dog, that loves people and loves to be loved. Just the type of dog that I need. Also shedding is minimal, and they usually only bark when someone pulls into the driveway. They are also a very smart dog and train easily. My brother has one and he is a great little dog. So maybe Porter will be getting a cousin to play with soon. I will keep you all updated.

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Today is 6 weeks since Shawn has been gone, 42 days. In one aspect it feels like it was yesterday and in another it feels like it was forever ago. I think it feels like that because I miss him so much. I feel empty I miss him so much. Nancy said something one day last week on her blog about how and why a person's heart hurts. I always kind of thought a "heart ache" was a made up type of thing, like when you are a teenager and break up with your first boyfriend and you think your heart is breaking. But after losing Shawn I'm here to tell you that a heart break/ache is a very real thing. I miss him so much my heart actually hurts. Sometimes it hurts like an empty feeling, sometimes it actually aches, and sometimes it feels like somebody is squeezing my heart, that is usually the feeling I get right before I cry about missing him. I now know that a breaking/aching heart is real, and I don't like it. It sucks and I hate the feeling. It hurts the most at night when I'm trying to go to sleep and I'm in our bed all by myself. Then I roll over smell the shirt Shawn had on the day before he died, and I'm usually ok then. I hope and pray you all never ever have to experience an aching heart like this.

I guess I'm doing ok. I'm taking it a day at a time. Some days are good and some days are bad. I went shopping on Friday night and for the most part had a good time. Then we went to Wal-Mart (family central) and it really started to bother me. I was starting to have a hard time seeing all the cute perfect couples together and was actually starting to feel mad that they were happy together, and I wasn't so happy and was by "myself" (I was with my mom and sister but you get what I mean). That night I went home and I think I had the hardest cry I've had since Shawn died. I cried so hard my shirt looked like I had ran a marathon my shirt was so wet with tears. I cried for almost 2 hours, crying myself to sleep with Shawn's t-shirt wrapped around me. During my crying spell our friend the Coach called me, he tried his hardest to make me feel better, and told me it was ok to cry that hard. He was great, he just sat on the phone and listed to me cry and said he felt bad that he wasnt' there with me. When I woke up I did feel better, eyes were crazy puffy, but I felt better. Maybe I had to just get it out.

While I was at the funeral home making all the arrangements I ordered a necklace. At first it was something I was going to give to the baby, so the baby always had a part of their daddy, but now the necklace is something I'm wearing. The necklace is a pendant of Shawn's thumb print. They took an impression of Shawn's thumb print, then they casted it in gold and at the very top of the print they put Shawn's birth stone (same as mine we were both born in Nov). On the back of the print they engraved it with "A touch of Shawn forever" I wear it next to the journey pendant Shawn gave me last year for my birthday. When I feel like I'm missing him a lot I can touch the pendant and kind of get to feel him at the same time. At first I thought it was kind of creepy, but now I'm really glad I have it and love wearing it.
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I'm feeling better since having the D&C. I woke up on Thursday morning and actually felt "good". This was the best I have felt in over a month. It was the first day I didn't throw up in a month. I still don't feel "normal" or "right", but I think I'm getting there. I don't really know what normal will be anymore. I took it really easy over the weekend. I can't start working out again until I get the all clear from the Dr. next week. But then I'm going to start hitting my elliptical machine, and lifting weights again. I've lost almost 20 pounds in the last 6 weeks. My clothes are huge and I actually had to go buy new clothes. I haven't worn a size 7 jeans in years. So I figure I might as well start working out and try to continue the "healthy life style" Shawn and I had started the month before he died.

Gosh, I'm soo sorry this got so long, but I wanted to update you all since I haven't posted in a few days. I will try not to write so much in every post. I think I should post everyday instead of posting a book every few days.

Thank you all for everything, you are great. I will update about the puppy soon.

I wanted to let everybody know that I got home today around 3:00 and that everything went well.

I only cried one time during the entire day. When I was back waiting to go to the OR my nurse flipped through my chart and must have saw something about Shawn. So she asked what had happened and I told her. She looked at me with tears rolling down her face and told me that I had been through so much in such a short time. Then she asked if she could hug me, I said yes, but that is when my tears started falling. I really wanted and needed Shawn to be there with me. He was there though, I could feel his hands on me.

Next the anasteselogist (no idea how to spell that) came in and asked if I wanted somthing to take the "edge" off. I said sure. He put something that looked like milk in my IV and said I wouldn't fall asleep just feel real drowsy. Boy was he wrong that crap knocked me clean into last year and quick. I didn't remember anything from that point on. The Dr. told my parents that she came in and talked to me. Could have fooled me, I have NO memory of anything from the milky substance in the IV. I could have told the Dr. I was the Queen of Egypt for God's sake. I don't even remember being wheeled to the OR, or being wheeled to my room. The only thing I remember is having to go pee so I could get the hell out of there. I think I only remember that is because it burned like a mo fo when I went to the bathroom. Apparently that wil happen for a few times after. Oh yeah!!!

So I'm home a little crampy and a lot tired and still kind of feel a little loopy from all the drugs but I'm doing ok, resting on the couch at home. Shawn was right, maybe I am stronger than I gave myself credit for because I was scared all day but did much better than I thought I was going to.

During the next few days I'm going to be changing my blog. I'm going to take the baby ticker off the top, change the about me intro part, and change the wording on the very top of my blog. I was going to change the name and address as well, but I've decided not to that. I'm going to keep it The Tale of Two Coins because I figure I will still talk about Shawn if you all don't mind, and how my life is changing without him. So it will still be about "us" but just in a different way. Whatever the future holds for me I will change it then.

Thanks again for all the encouraging words and well wishes. I don't even really "know" any of you, but you have all been so great to me. If I ever seen any of you I would give you all huge hug.

Thank you again, and talk more soon.
Jenny

Just a quick update here. (I don't think this will be too long)

I got back from my pre-op physical today and everything is still ago for the D&C tomorrow. I have to be to the hospital at 10:15 and they will take me to the OR around 12:00. The Dr. said that the whole procedure only takes about 20 minutes give or take a few and that I should be back in the recovery room around 1:00 and that if I'm feeling well enough I should be back home by 3:00. I'm hoping for around 2:00-2:30 instead. Wishful thinking you suppose?

The Dr. also explained the whole procedure to me. That did make me feel a little better, but I'm still very nervous about being put under. It's not the actual D&C that bothers me, it is not having any control and being knocked out. Yes, I'm a control type of person, and for somebody who needs to have control and feels like I haven't had any control over my life in the last month, the lack of control during the operation is what has me worried. That and I'm slightly worried of the "what ifs" you face during any operation. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but lets be realistic I haven't had the best of luck the last month. My Dr. assured me that there are very few risks with the D&C but I still worry. I'm also a worry wart. She said the only real concern is tearing the uterus, but she also said that rarely happens, and usually only happens in older women who have a thin uterus. She assured me mine was nice and thick and that she would be extra gentle with my uterus. Gee thanks.

So I'm going to try not to worry too much about this, try to go to bed early and hope like hell I sleep all night long and not wake up until my alarm goes off at 9:00. I'm also just a little worried about the no eating thing. Well not eating isn't the problem, I haven't had much of an appetite for the last month, but in order to prevent myself from puking in the morning I either suck on a mint or chew gum. I think I might try and steal a tic tac. What harm can that do?

So I will try and update tomorrow evening when I get home depending on how I'm feeling. If not I will update on Thursday.

Once again, I'm asking for extra good thoughts and prayers as I have this done tomorrow.
Thank you and you ALL have been great during this whole entire process I've been going through. I greatly appreciate it.

Talk more soon,
Jenny

Everyone at my house is starting to get back to normal within the last few weeks. My brother went back to work two and a half weeks ago, my sister went back 2 weeks ago, my dad went back to work last week, and my mom just went back today. Mom is working today and tomorrow, taking Wednesday off so she can be with me for the dreaded D&C. If I need her she will also take Thursday off as well, if I'm doing ok then my mother in law will come and"sit" with me. So for the most part everyone is starting to get back to some sort of normal schedule/life. Well, all except for me. I still have no schedule, I go to sleep when I want usually late around 12:30ish, get up when I want usually around 9:30 ish and spend the late morning/early afternoon watching The View and What Not To Wear. By the way Stacy and Clinton would NOT approve of what I've been wearing the last few weeks. I don't think they would like the bun on top of my head, really baggy sweats, Shawn's 2XL YSU shirt, glasses and no make up. O-well, there are some days when I do get dressed and put on some makeup if there is somewhere I need to go. That should count for something.


We still talk about Shawn every day, everyone in the family does. It's just that everyone has kind of gotten back to their "normal" lives. For me I just can't seem to figure out what normal should be. My entire life is so different now. I'm in now way ready for work, so I don't have that schedule to follow, I don't have any friends here so that way of life is out the window and this last Saturday I listened to the YSU game on the radio instead of being there and bawled like a baby at the end of the game when they won. It was a HUGE game, and they were such the underdog and were favored to lose and lose big. Instead they killed the opposing team the entire game. I've gone to a college football game every Saturday for the last 9 years, unless it was an away game. So that is something to get used to as well. It just wasn't the same listening to our team on the radio. I should have been there to hug Shawn and all the other coaches when they came off the field after winning such a big game. Instead I was home with my mom cheering them on in my living room.

I guess after the D&C (nothing has happened yet. Damn body) is done I need to take some time and figure out what my "new normal" will be. I'm sure it will take some time to figure out. I just need to figure out what it will be and how to go about achieving something normal again. You really don't realize how you lived your life on a daily basis until the one consistent thing in your life changes. A simple thing like watching a TV show isn't even the same anymore. We used to watch CSI:LV each night together, Shawn would sing the entire song, and I would sing the whoop whoop part. A silly little thing we did, but that is gone to, I now whoop whoop in my head. Then there is country radio. I can't even listen to the radio anymore, it seems like every song now a days reminds me about Shawn in some fashion. Even hearing Boot Scootin Boogey brought tears to my eyes yesterday. (Brooks and Dunn is Shawn's favorite group.)

So the new normal that is what I'm going to start to think about over the next few weeks and months. When I get it all figured out I will let you all know. But until then I going to hope this is all just a really really bad dream, and I will wake up and my normal and my husband who I miss more than the entire world will be there. (I guess this would only happen in a perfect world huh?) The new normal, that is what I need to start thinking about.

Maybe I will get a puppy. Yeah maybe a puppy. Any thoughts on a good small dog?

Talk more soon

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've either been trying to keep myself busy or sitting on the couch. In other words I've just been kinda lazy and haven't been on the computer much at all.

Well yesterday was 4 weeks since Shawn has been gone. I pretty much had a shitty day all day. I woke up not feeling good at all, went back to sleep for a while then woke back up still feeling like poop. Finally around 11:00 I threw up and then felt a little bit better. Then the tears started a flowin.

On the way back from the bathroom I for some reason looked on my one bedroom wall, the wall I put up one of our wedding pictures. I totally lost it. I don't think I've cried that long or that hard since Shawn had died. I was home alone so I just sat in my big lonely bed and just cried. Then after about 20 minutes I felt a little better. I called and talked to one of the Coaches who has been great since losing Shawn and then was a little better yet. I still felt like crap, but I guess that is to be expected after losing the love of your life. I did also go back to the cemetery yesterday. I didn't stay for too long because it was cold and pouring rain. I went and talked to Shawn some more, told him that I miss him more than words can say, that I would give my left arm to give him just one more kiss, or to feel him give me a hug just one more time. I told him I picked out his headstone, and I also told him that I'm doing ok. That I have good days and bad. Then I kissed my hand, then placed my hand over where his heart would be, told him I loved him and missed him one more time. Walked away and told him I would be back next week. After that I felt better, still bawled, but felt a little better.

But I do have a question for you all. I'm wondering what you think of this situation.
Since I've been back home I have talked to the one Coach, that Shawn was close with every night before going to bed. We talk almost every night at 11:00, either he calls me or I call him. Either way we talk. Most of the time we talk about Shawn, sometimes we talk about Shawn for a while, then talk about either myself or what is going on with him. Other times we just talk about everything and anything. Sometimes we just call and say good night to each other, other nights we talk for hours before each falling asleep. What I was wondering from you all is this...Do you think it is an odd thing that we are each gaining so much comfort from each other?
In one aspect I think it is very healthy for us to be helping each other get through this horrible time. He was very close to Shawn, he was over at our house all the time, and was with Shawn in the office when he died, he watched the EMT's work on him. Then in another way I kind of feel bad about it. Kind of like in some odd way like I'm "cheating" on Shawn. I know deep down I shouldn't feel like this. But on another hand I feel like I'm doing something wrong because if Shawn was still here I know I wouldn't be talking to him like this. We are helping each other get through this and I think that is ok, but then again I don't know. But on nights like last night when we both fell asleep before talking I felt like I had missed something in my day, and he told me the same thing today when he called me at lunch time.
Every night we say "love you" before hanging up the phone. It's not the "I love you" like I told Shawn during the day. But it's the "I love you" that you tell a friend who is helping you through a difficult time. Which when I think about it is what we are doing for each other.
Please, please don't think this is in any way a "romantic" thing. That is the farthest thing from my mind right now. I just kind of think we are drawing some sort of comfort from each other. Is that an ok thing to do from a person of the opposite sex?

Now for the update:
Still nothing has happened with the miscarriage. I have to call the Dr. tomorrow to see what to do next. I still would like to wait a few more days before having the D&C depending on what the Dr. says. Most of what I've read has said that a natural m/c happens within 2 1/2 weeks from the time the baby has stopped growing (that would be the end of this week). I don't want to have the D&C on Thursday because that is exactly 30 days that Shawn has been gone(yesterday was 4 weeks) and I don't want it done on Friday b/c that is my sisters b-day and I don't want her day to be ruined with having this done. But if nothing has happened by Monday, then I'm willing to have the D&C done by that time. I'm kind of getting to the point where it needs to be over, so I can heal in all the ways I need to, both with the baby and with Shawn. But not to the point yet where I want to have the D&C tomorrow. I'm don't scared of the procedure, but I'm scared to death to be put under. I'm also very skittish around hospitals, especially after everything that happened with Shawn.

Anyways that is what has been going on with me the last few days. As always sorry this is so long, but I guess I had a lot to say. Maybe I should update everyday instead of every few, to prevent you from reading a long book.

Thank you all again for everything. You have been great to me.

I don't know why but for some reason I was kind of freaked or maybe even worried to go and visit Shawn at the cemetery. I'm not sure why, just kinda a nervous feeling I have been having since the day we buried him.

Yesterday my mom asked me if I wanted to go to our local Farmers Market in the morning. With not really having anything else to do I said sure. I told her that while we were there I would get some fresh flowers to put out at the cemetery.

We got home from the market ate lunch and I decided that there was no time like the present so I decided to leave for the cemetery after eating a little lunch. As soon as I got in the car a Hewy Lewis song was on the radio. It was of course one of Shawn's all time favorite songs, so that brought a few tears to my eyes, but I was ok.

I found the road his plot is on and turned in. I got out of my car and thought I knew right where he was. Come to find out I'm not so great with directions of any type and I got myself all turned around in the cemetery. I knew where he was, but I ended up being 3 rows over, wandered around for a few seconds, then finally realized I was in the wrong row and found Shawn right away once I got in the right row.

Once I got there I held onto the flowers for a few minutes, sat down on the ground and just looked at his grave for a few minutes. Then out of no where I started to cry. I pulled myself together and then I started talking, yes talking out loud to Shawn. I told him that I love him very much and that I will continue to love him every day for the rest of my life. I also told him how over the last few weeks how many people have told me how strong I am. I told him people who now read my blog, family and friends have told me how strong I am or have been. I out loud verbally thanked him for giving me this strength. (When we first got together 12 years ago I was a weak little thing who would cave on the spot) I told him that losing him is the hardest thing that I have ever gone thru in my entire life, but I thanked him for giving me the strength to get thru this. I also thanked him for helping me to become the women I am today. I went onto tell him that I will honor him and his name every day. Then I told him about how I'm going to lose the baby. But it somehow made me feel better knowing that our baby was going to be with him. I joked that now he was going to be the one changing the poopy diapers. Then I just kind of sat there and listened to the birds and felt the sun on my back. Right before I left I put the flowers over his heart, told him what the YSU football team had done the last 2 weeks, and that UofM just hardly won last weeks game. I told him that I loved him and that I would be back on the one month anniversary of his death. Which is next Monday(what a horrible anniversary)

Next I went into the building and picked out Shawn's headstone. The cemetery where is at just recently started allowing granite headstones. I picked out this beautiful dark gray granite headstone. It is dark gray along the outside, and then where his name, birth date and death date will be it's a light gray color. In two corners there were roses sketched into the granite. But...I can take the roses out and put in any logo of my choice. So, in one corner I'm going to put the UofM football logo and diagonally from that I'm going to have a football engraved. I think that would be something that he would really like.

Oh, I also told Shawn about the favor I asked of you all yesterday. I told him how many people responded back to me and how it made me feel a little better knowing that so many people out there were not going to take their husband for granted anymore, and how many people were going to hug, talk, and hold onto their husbands. I also told him how more than anything in the world I wish I could talk to, touch, hold him, and kiss him even if it was just for a second or two.
Anyways this is getting long again, I just wanted to tell you all that I visited Shawn today, something that for some reason I was afraid to do. But I did it and it was ok, and now I'm not afraid or scared to go back and talk to him again. I actually think I might back weekly trips to the cemetery. Again for some reason it kind of made me feel close to him.

Thank you all again for reading this, commenting, and for giving me the words of encouragement that you all have. But more than anything thank you for following thru on my favor.

I will write more soon.
Jenny

I had a second Dr's apt. today with the Dr. here in my "new home" of Michigan. There has been no progress or development of the baby since Thursday's ultra sound. The fetal pole is still measuring at 2.0 down from 3.1 at my first apt. back in Ohio and there is still no heartbeat. Meaning that the pregnancy is for sure not a viable one. I was prepared for this, but it still stung when she told me. Dr. also told me today that it looks like the "cells" are starting to move to the center.

We talked about my options and what I wanted to happen. I still would like to see if I can do this as natural as possible on my own. She does feel comfortable with letting me go until the end of next week, and then if nothing has happened at that point and time then I will have to have a D&C. I also talked to her about what I read online about natural miscarriages, over the last week. Some of the stories I have read have been pretty horrible and kind of scared me as well. The Dr. told me there is no way of knowing how "bad" it will be, but she did kind of tell me that people who miscarry this early "typically" don't spend hours in the tub with blood dripping out of them. (sorry to be so graphic, and I don't mean any disrespect to anybody who has gone thru this) but it was just a question I had. She said that usually when the fetal pole is 2.0mm or less, then it is more times than not a bad period with heavier cramps. I told her that if it got to be something I couldn't handle I would go to the ER. So for now we are leaving it to see what my body will do on its own, and then if nothing, a D&C late next week.

Now for my favor, and I'm asking each and every one of you who reads this to please follow thru. With everything that has happened to me over the last 3 weeks and 3 days I have realized just how quickly and suddenly a person's life can be turned upside down.The way in which I have lived my life, and the person that I have lived my life with will never EVER be the same again. I would never have drempt in a million years that 3 Monday's ago when I kissed Shawn goodbye, that he would die in such a tragic way only 3 hours since kissing him at the doorway. Never would I have thought that in just two short weeks after his funeral would I be dealing with a miscarriage and with losing our baby we tried so hard for and wanted so much. But I'm here to tell you, that life is too short and unpredictable to take anything for granted, especially your husband.

I want each and every one of you to make a point tonight to tell your husband that you love him, spend some time with him just the two of you. Talk, enjoy your husband's company, cherish his touch, take time to smell him, and kiss him good night before going to sleep and again before he leaves for work tomorrow morning. These are all things that I can no longer do, and it breaks my heart into a million pieces everyday knowing that these are all things I will never ever get the chance to do again with my one and only true love. But in some way it makes me feel a little better knowing that each of you still have this opportunity. Please please do this, not only for me because it's what I'm asking, but for you, and for your husband. You never know when you won't have the chance to do it again. I'm not trying to scare/depress any of you, its just something I've been thinking about over the last few days.

I think that is all I have to write about for now. I have definitely decided that I'm going to keep this blog going, I don't even think I'm going to change the name of it. It's still my life and my story. I'm going to have to change my intro and my background and take off the ticker, but I think in some way being able to write my feelings down to people other than my family is helping me to heal in some small way. Your words of encouragement have also meant more to me than you know. If I could hug each and every one of you I would. So if you don't mind reading and getting thru some depressing stuff I will keep writing. There will be some happy posts, some mad posts, and I'm sure everything in between. But I think for now this blog is something that is making me feel better.

Please remember the favor I asked of you, it will really mean a lot to me.

I had my follow up ultra sound today with my new Dr's office in Michigan and I'm afraid I have no good news to report.

It looks like I'm having a miscarriage. The ultra sound showed that the baby has stopped growing and still has no heartbeat. At last weeks ultra sound there was a fetal pole and the baby was measuring at 3.1mm, today there was no fetal pole, the yolk sac was gone and the measurement of the baby was 2.0. They also bummed me back even more with how far along I am. Today I measured in at 6 weeks 1 day instead of 6 weeks 5 days. Keep in mind that I know the day we conceived and I should be 7 weeks 5 days, so there is a lot of time that is missing in Little Coin's development.

The Dr. here in Michigan is hoping that since I'm so early I will have a natural miscarriage. If nothing happens by next week I will have to go back and have another ultrasound and then see where to go from there. Dr. said something about if nothing happens naturally in 2 weeks than I will have to have a D&C. As awful as it sounds I would rather have this happen as "natural" as possible. I'm scared out of my fucking mind to have a D&C.

Last week after my ultra sound I was worried but I kept the thought in the back of my mind that for sure this baby would be ok. After all what kind of person/god would make me lose my husband and then our baby within a few weeks of each other. Guess I was wrong in my thinking. I guess Shawn needed our baby more in heaven than I needed it here with me.

I know that the miscarriage isn't my fault but at the same time I feel that I let Shawn down. I wanted this baby so much for me, for my family and for his family. It was going to help us heal after losing Shawn. Everyone was already so excited. My mom and I even went out yesterday and got some baby clothes that were on sale. We were all going to be able to look into this babies eyes and see Shawn. Now we are all left to deal and cope with losing him, and then losing the baby. This all just seems so unfair to me. I don't understand how or why this is all happening. I really don't know how much more I can handle. Shawn told me I was a strong person and I've had several other people tell me that during the last few weeks, but I really don't know how much more I can possibly take right now. My heart is breaking in so many pieces right now.

So I guess for now I wait for the cramping and or bleeding to start and see what happens from there. I'm going to continue to take this one day at a time.

I'm going to keep this blog going, I just don't know when I will post again. It maybe soon, it may not be for a while. I'm thinking sooner than later, but then I'm not sure.

I will keep you all updated and thank you again for the kind words and thoughts you have shared with me over the last 2 weeks, it really has meant a lot.

Well tonight I'm laying in my bed typing this post and it is the last night I get to have in the house that Shawn and I started so much together in. I didn't think leaving this town would bother me so much.

Neither of us really liked it here, but now that I'm hours away from leaving I feel like I don't want to go. Everything is packed up and ready to go in the moving van. All of Shawn's stuff is packed away in boxes that will be going back to my parents house with me. All of my stuff is packed away as well. There is also 2 boxes full of baby stuff that Shawn and I got together between the week we found out that I was pregnant, and the week he died.

We don't live in the best town. It's kinda rough around here. But I'm finding myself sad to leave. Tonight I had to say good bye to my two best friends and both their kids. They came over and spent most of the evening with me. Finally the little ones needed to go to bed so they left. It was hard, I hate leaving my friends. Then around 10:00 four of the football coaches came over and finished loading the heavy stuff for me. It was soon time for them to leave as well. I walked them all out to their cars, hugged them each and told them how great they were to me the last few weeks. They are 4 great guys and each of them have called me every day since Shawn has died. They mean so much to me, and I feel by leaving here, I'm leaving them and it makes me sad.

I also feel like by leaving here I'm also leaving behind a huge part of my life with Shawn. We were together for 12 years and only in Ohio for 3 of them, but I feel like we made so many life altering decisions while living here. We made so many great memories while living here, and I feel like I'm walking out on my friends, my guys (coaches) and our memories. I guess what is bothering me the most is that I feel like I'm leaving Shawn. I know that this feeling is silly, his grave is at home in Michigan, and I know he is with me all the time, but I feel like I'm leaving the life we had just begun to start here. I also know Shawn wouldn't want me to be here by myself, and he would want me to move in with my family, but I still feel very sad at the same time for moving.

So on the last night of being here in our home I have one more task to do. That is to erase off the bathroom mirror the note that I wrote 3 weeks ago this Friday, and that is the note telling Shawn that he was going to be a daddy. I told you all earlier that I would tell you what the note said, it reads as follows:
"As usual you were right (shocking).......
We are going to have a baby!!!!
Please don't freak out, we will
figure everything out and be fine"

And guess what he didn't freak out, he was very excited to become a daddy. He even picked out the first outfit that night while we were at the mall. So now, before I go to sleep, I'm going to take it off the mirror. I'm going to do it tonight, in case I have problems in the morning.

So tomorrow I will be starting my "new" life by moving back into my parents house with them and my sister. I will be moving into the largest bedroom in the house, so there will be room for a crib and other baby belongings. It won't be the same, and it for sure isn't how I thought my life would happen or how Shawn or I thought our family was going to start. But deep down, I think going back with them is the best decision for me and the baby. It's just going to take some time getting used to. I think all of this is going to take some time getting used to. Like I've done for the last 2 weeks, I will take it one day at a time, and see where that takes me. Like I've said before Shawn is with me every second of the day and I'm sure he will lead me in the right direction and he will be the one to continue to give me the strength to go on every day.

It maybe a few days before I update as I will be unpacking as much of our stuff as I can fit into my room. But I promise I will be back in a few days.

Thank you again everyone for the support you have all given me over the last few weeks. You have all meant so much to me.

Talk more soon

Jenny