Making God Laugh

It was my great privilege to pray for Sew during Advent prayer buddies.  I know my prayers for her were accompanied by many, many others as she went into early labor.  I am so thankful baby Hannah arrived healthy and didn't have to spend extra time in the hospital. This was my first time doing prayer buddies, so I felt rather humbled to be praying for Sew, as hers was one of the first infertile blogs I found.  Without knowing it, she introduced me to this wonderful community of Catholic women carrying the cross of IF, and I am forever grateful.  :)

Merry Christmas to all of you!!

Hooray!  :)  The hematologist Dr. D called me this week and said my repeat heme labs were normal!  He attributes the previous abnormal values to the uterine strep infection that I had at the time my blood was drawn.  That infection is gone now according to these new labs.  He said there is no reason for me to follow up with him anymore.  I don't have a clotting disorder!  Praise the Lord!

So do you know what this means?  (Besides me not having a chronic illness or extra risk for any future surgery...both of which are a relief to me...)

We are back to TTC!!

Now wait just a second.  Before you get too excited, let me remind you...I mean, me (I need this reminder more than you)...that not much has changed since the last time we were TTC, except the elimination of a pesky strep infection in my uterus.  Whether that infection was the only remaining impediment to conception remains to be seen.  Realistically I don't know if that will make the difference for me.  Can you see how I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high?  hahaha  I know infection can definitely be a factor, but is it the factor for me?  If you had to measure it—and I do like numbers—my hope just might be a few percentage points higher than it was the last time we were TTC.  :) 

I want to believe it's possible to conceive now, but it seems like taking an antibiotic to "cure" my infertility is taking the easy way out.  In my head, I think I won't have "earned my stripes" as an IFer unless I have surgery.  Is that a silly thought?  Yes, of course.  It's not a competition who can endure the hardest treatment.  Do I want to have surgery?  Nooooooo.  Is surgery the next step?  Probably.  Or at least that's what Dr. C said the last time I saw him.  When I e-mailed him about these latest heme results, he seemed to have forgotten the plan he told me in September.  (DH said to go easy on him because he probably has tons of patients and didn't remember my case specifically.)  I will be sure to remind him in January when I see him next...  ;)

Since we're back to TTC, this also means resuming HCG!  While I'm not so fond of the injection part, I CANNOT wait to have relief from PMS again.  Seriously, HCG is like liquid gold to me.  This past cycle I wasn't on anything post-peak (not even oral progesterone which I've been taking for years), and I was pretty much a monster.  hahaha  (It's only funny after the fact, of course.)  Poor DH.

So back to the topic of TTC...

These last four cycles where we've been taking a doctor-requested break from TTC have been interesting.  At first it felt like a huge weight was lifted off of the arrival of CD1.  CD1 came, and I didn't bat an eye or shed a tear.  It was nice.  Really nice.  No huge emotional crash with the start of a new cycle.  It was almost like living back in the pre-IF days.  (ahhh, ignorant bliss)  ;)  That lasted maybe the first cycle or two.  Then every once in while (usually at Mass) I would spontaneously think of something IF-related and then...cue the uncontrollable tears.  It was totally unpredictable.  It was also confusing because I reasoned that there was no possible way to be pregnant at that time, so I shouldn't be so emotional.  However, my heart didn't "forget" that we were still IF, even though we stopped TTC for a few cycles.  By the third break cycle, I was getting antsy.  I'd had enough of this "avoiding" pregnancy...we couldn't conceive using the fertile days before...why should it be any different now?  With all the waiting it seemed like we were wasting time and weren't making any progress.  (Granted it's hard to make progress between doctor appointments...)  ;)  I am learning patience...slowly.  hahaha

Now that we're back to TTC I don't know where my emotions are headed...back on the roller coaster, I suppose.  I feel like these past few cycles have been a way to emotionally take a deep breath and relax a bit...kind of like getting rejuvenated for the next stretch.  Now I'm ready to go again!  I don't know if we'll get pregnant anytime soon, but I am excited to at least try.  :)  This cycle will be a challenge since the entire fertile time will occur while traveling...and the bedroom we're staying in has a squeaky mattress and a door that doesn't close completely.  This bedroom is also sandwiched between two other bedrooms whose doors will not be closed as the occupants sleep.  Hmmm...I'm not sure how we're going to pull this off.  I guess there's always next cycle...  ;)

In addition to our TTC break, I think Advent has been really helpful for restoring some emotional sanity.  Praying for my first-ever prayer buddy has been a wonderful experience...it definitely moved the focus off of me and my desires.

I need to say though that whoever is praying for me must have some powerful prayers.  Let me tell you what happened a few days ago.  I had a breakthrough of sorts.  I was reflecting on what lessons infertility has taught me, and I could not fathom how else I would have learned them.  And I was filled with a deep sense of gratitude at having my eyes opened to those lessons...how privileged I was to learn them...how lots of other people don't have this opportunity...so I prayed:  "Thank you, God, for my infertility.  Thank you so much."  And I meant it.  Am I crazy?  (Wait, don't answer that.)  In a brief moment, I felt "free" of my infertility—like it didn't matter at all if God chose to take it away or let me keep it.  Total peace.  For a second...maybe two.  :)  That is not to say I still don't desire to have children with my whole heart—I definitely do.  But I got a tiny glimpse of peace...now how do I make that come back?  :)  So, thank you in advance, dear prayer buddy, for all your prayers this Advent.  And thank you to all of you who have also have prayed for me.  Please know I am praying for you, too.  :)

All right, ladies. I need some advice. With Christmas and New Year’s Eve fast approaching, we have several family & friend gatherings on the calendar. I know the dreaded question is coming....

So...when are you going to have kids?

Here's where you ladies come in...how do you answer that question? I want a list of options. Give me anything you can think of or anything you've said or anything you've heard someone else say. I need to feel prepared (if that is possible). hahaha

Here's where I'm at: We’ve been TTC for a year and a half. No one in my family knows that, not even my parents. I had this crazy dream of surprising them with news of a pregnancy out of the blue but obviously that hasn't happened so months and months have passed but I still want to surprise them with good news not bad news. (“Oh, by the way, Mom and Dad, we're infertile. Let me tell you the tests we’ve had done and the treatments we’ve tried…" Not a fun conversation.) Maybe I'll consider having that conversation if/when I have surgery, but not today. Thankfully my parents are not the type to ask about us having kids...

A few of my friends know we've been "having trouble" but all the friends we will see in the next few weeks (except maybe one) don't have a clue, like all my relatives. What the world (i.e. people who know me IRL) sees is this: We have been married for a few years but we have had some major "crosses" during our marriage and sometimes more than one at a time. I won't give specifics but it's the kind of stuff that makes people stop and say, "Wow. I'm sorry!" while secretly thinking, “Thank goodness I don't have to deal with that.” This summer was the first time all of those major crosses were gone. And everyone knows it. So now here we are, several months after the last big cross is lifted... If you had a friend/relative who was a faithful Catholic and NFP teacher, wouldn't you start to think, “Hmmm. I wonder when the babies will start to arrive…” Fair enough assumption. :) But I’m not sure everyone will be keeping that happy little thought where it belongs—in their heads. :) I bet the temptation to say it must be enormous but is it really asking too much to resist? It does seem like an innocent little question and obviously if someone suspected difficulty in achieving or sustaining a pregnancy they would never dream of asking a potentially hurtful question like that. But who really considers IF (or miscarriage for that matter) as a possibility for someone you know? I know it's not my default assumption...well it wasn't until we couldn't conceive...now it is definitely on my radar. Even while working with couples struggling to have a child, I still assumed normal fertility for anyone I knew...maybe I was just hoping that they wouldn't have to deal with the hardships of IF or miscarriage. Anyway, my point is: Who has IF in the back of her mind when thinking about another couple’s fertility? Probably not many people.

Case in point: A friend I last saw in the summer patted my tummy and said, “The next time I see you, there better be a baby in there.” She is the sweetest girl, and if she had any idea of our experience, she would never have said that. But she is super fertile (and is surrounded by others who haven't had trouble conceiving) so I'm guessing she just assumed we wouldn't have any trouble TTC either.

I guess the reason I'm asking for advice on what to say is that I am pretty sensitive. I have heard the stories of what other IF ladies have had to listen to (unsolicited advice on how to have a baby, insensitive remarks, etc.), and I'm not sure I can handle that emotionally...which is why only a few super trustworthy friends IRL know. This doesn't apply to my immediate family...I really just want to surprise them, and it’s not so much of a surprise if they know you're TTC. (So if I haven’t told my family, it must mean I still have hope…right? Right!) ;) There has been plenty of grief and tears with IF already...I'm just trying to protect my heart from some more (avoidable?) pain.

So any responses you can share to the question above would be most appreciated. :) Especially kind-sounding, please-don’t-ever-bring-up-the-topic-with-me-again responses would be great. You ladies are the best. Thanks in advance. :)

One of the consolations I have appreciated with IF is the fact that I'm not going through it alone—it affects us a couple not just me as an individual.  Granted I am taking it a lot harder than DH, he is hurting too, even though he is reluctant to show it most of the time or doesn't know how to express it.  I've heard the saying that with IF, the woman grieves, and the man watches her grieve (or he grieves because she is grieving).  This is definitely true for us to an extent.  Even though he doesn't show his sadness or disappointment often, he has been trying to support me in any way he can.  DH has been incredibly sweet recently.  He sees that I have been having a hard time as of late (e.g. crying more), which is kind of hard to miss.  ;)  So yesterday when we had planned to watch a nice Christmas-related movie, he surprised me by putting "Pride and Prejudice" (the six-hour BBC version!!) in the DVD player.  Let's be honest.  This movie is not his cup of tea.  ;)  He has watched it with me twice (not in one sitting, of course) in the past.  I assumed that whenever I would watch from then on would be by myself or with my girlfriends...and he knew I was fine with that.  So for him to choose it without me asking for it and volunteer to watch it with me meant he only did it to comfort me and make me happy.  He is such a sweetheart.  (He has also been known to tell the husbands of my Jane Austen-movie-loving friends that it's their "duty" to watch the entire thing once with their wife...he takes the whole "laying down your life" or sacrificing for your wife seriously...)  I'm not going to complain if that's how he interprets Ephesians 5. hahaha  ;)

On a totally unrelated note...

I finished the second antibiotic (cephalexin) this cycle.  I started it on CD1, and it didn't clear up any TEBB; on the contrary, I had TEBB to CD12.  However, I wonder if its effects on TEBB would only be seen in subsequent cycles and not this one because whatever "remnants" of the uterine infection can't just disappear instantaneously upon starting an antibiotic...right?  The remnants would have to be expelled with my period this cycle in the hopes that they are gone in the next cycle or two.  That is complete speculation on my part but it makes sense to me, so I wasn't expecting TEBB to disappear already this cycle.  Feel free to correct me...  Of course, this is all assuming that the infection is the cause of the TEBB...

I had zero adverse effects with the cephalexin, which is fabulous.  I did take a probiotic and will continue until the bottle is gone, so that may have helped.  I need all the good bacteria I can get to replenish the ones killed by the antibiotic.  :)  One thing I am SUPER excited about is a positive side effect of the drug—my face and back have never looked better!!!!  I totally did not know that cephalexin is also used to treat acne!!  Woohoo!!  I hope this lasts.  I love clear skin!!  (I have battled acne since high school, and it's been worse in my 20s than it was in my teens...)

Since the antibiotic was supposed to clear up the Group B strep, I will be having my second round of hematology labs this Friday.  I don't know what labs Dr. D ordered, but he said I have to be (mostly) fasting when my blood is drawn—only juice, toast, and jelly are acceptable that morning.  Since I'm intolerant to gluten, there will be no toast...  (I'm not a huge fan of the gluten-free varieties.)  And he said "no relations" the night before.  That was his phrase, not mine.  "Relations" seems a little old fashioned to me, but I thought it was a cute way to say it and very respectful.  :)  (Dr. D appears to be close to retirement, so maybe it's a generational thing...?)   I guess I'm just used to more straightforward terms.  I use "intercourse" when talking with CrMS clients.  To each his own, I suppose.

A couple lines from recent homilies have given me a lot to think about, so I thought I'd share them here.

1.  Thanksgiving Day:  "If you're constantly thinking about what you don't have, you'll end up in misery."

The priest spoke about gratitude and focusing on the blessings you have in your life before he said this line I quoted.  When I first heard it, I was tempted to think it doesn't apply to me.  After all, it's natural and good to desire children, so when you're infertile, it makes sense that you would be thinking a lot about what you don't have (i.e. a child)...especially with the constant focus on diagnosis, treatment, timing of the cycle, etc.  Oh, how quickly I forget that this can be an all-consuming endeavor...which can lead to misery.  So the priest was right, and infertility is a prime example of his point.  I don't want to be miserable, but it's so hard not to think about my infertility when everywhere I look is another easily-achieved pregnancy or another baby.  As attractive as avoidance seems some days, I don't think it would be so practical to only associate with non-married people or those beyond their child-bearing years...as much as I want to right now.  Perhaps some convent or monastery would let us move in there?  ;)  Obviously I have to learn how to cope somehow without being completely consumed by the thought that we don't have children...  If only I could limit my infertility thoughts to x minutes per day.  Once I reach x minutes, then I wouldn't be allowed to think about it any more that day.  HA.  Imagine that.  What probably needs to change is how I think about infertility, which leads me to the next quote...

2.  First Sunday of Advent: "Advent is a season of hope.  How are you growing in the virtue of hope?"

Hearing that was a wake up call.  Or more a like a kick in the pants to get moving.  I had realized a while ago I was really struggling (failing) to have hope, but I haven't done anything about it.  Specifically I mean hope related to infertility.  It feels so vulnerable to put my desire for children before God and ask, "Please, God?"  On my braver days, thoughts may cross my mind like, "I know God will give us children one day," accompanied by an optimistic type of confidence.  But the reality is that He may say no...and that thought tends to stifle any optimism I had.  The thought of a future without children is not something I like contemplating.  I admit I don't dwell on it deeply—just enough to say to God, "Fine!  That's how you want my life (with this pain of infertility)?"  :<  [that's supposed to be an angry pout, complete with arms crossed]  I swear sometimes I have the spiritual maturity of a three year old.  hahaha ;)  When I think about it more, it leads to despair, the opposite of hope, and a constant fixation on the fact that I'm not getting what I think will make me happy.  Me. Me. Me.  This sounds like a recipe for misery (see quote #1).

So how do you cultivate hope, especially in the present circumstance of infertility?  (If anyone has ideas, please share them.)  My first thought is to try to focus less on the end result (baby vs. no baby) and more on what God is asking of me right now with this cross.  That's definitely easier said than done.  Have I mentioned that it doesn't take much to turn me into a crying mess this days?  I realize I have redefined hope to mean the end of my infertility.  How narrow is that??  But I suppose it's not surprising.  It's so easy to become self-absorbed with the situation in front of me which allows me to ignore the bigger picture.  Jesus didn't come into the world so I could be cured of my infertility...He came so we could spend forever with Him.  Okay, so I need to broaden my definition of hope.  That would be a good start.  Here are some excerpts from the Catechism:

"Hope is the theological virtue by which we desire the kingdom of heaven and eternal life as our happiness, placing our trust in Christ's promises and relying not on our own strength, but on the help of the grace of the Holy Spirit." (1817)

"The virtue of hope responds to the aspiration to happiness which God has placed in the heart of every man; it takes up the hopes that inspire men's activities and purifies them so as to order them to the Kingdom of heaven; it keeps man from discouragement; it sustains him during times of abandonment; it opens up his heart in expectation of eternal beatitude. Buoyed up by hope, he is preserved from selfishness and led to the happiness that flows from charity." (1818)

Don't you just love the Catechism?  :)

In a little prayer book I have, I found an examination of conscience on hope, which I think was exactly what I needed.  Right before the list of questions, it says, "...in God's providence, He allows us to fail in those areas in which He especially wants us to grow in virtue."  Okay, so it's really time to do something about this.  And what better time to work on hope than Advent.  Here is the examination:

• Do I immediately say a short prayer when I find myself getting discouraged?
• Do I daily say a short act of hope?
• Do I dwell on my worries instead of dismissing them from my mind?
• Do I fail in the virtue of hope by my attachment to the things of this world?
• Do I try to see God's providence in everything that "happens" in my life?
• Do I try to see everything from the viewpoint of eternity?
• Am I confident that, with God's grace, I will be saved?
• Do I allow myself to worry about my past life, and thus weaken my hope in God's mercy?
• Do I try to combine every fully deliberate action with at least a momentary prayer for divine help?
• How often today have I complained, even internally?

From Father Hardon's Catholic Prayer Book by Fr. John A. Hardon, S.J.>

shift my perspective, but I think it's going to take a lot of tiny, tiny steps.  When the waves of grief hit, they hit hard, and it's so difficult to look past the pain.  But I'm going to try.  :)  I have a feeling I will be referring back to this list of questions often...

So I had my hematology appointment.  First I saw the fellow who took my history and went through my labs with me.  Elevated Factor VIII can be caused by any number of things including stress, infection, etc. so he said that number doesn't tell us anything specific.  The rest of my labs all support the idea that I clot really well—more quickly than normal.  (Extra vWF = clot faster = shorter PTT)  He didn't say what the implications of that are.  Somewhere in the discussion he did casually mention it's possible to acquire "vW disease" but usually it's genetic—it sounded like he was thinking out loud.  He was not saying that is my diagnosis...but I wonder if that's the most likely explanation?  (I don't have a diagnosis yet.)

Then the attending Dr. D came and asked me some more questions.  I swear I was asked by each of them at least twice if anyone in my family had clotting issues.  My answer was no all four times.  ;)  I really wanted to say yes just to satisfy them... hahaha  Dr. D wanted to know if I was sick on the day my blood was drawn for the labs.  I hadn't been sick, but I did mention my uterine strep infection that was found the same day.  I assumed he already knew that—it was listed in the medical record right next to my clotting lab results plus I had already told the fellow about it.  Dr. D asked if I had been treated for it.  I said no.  Apparently that was the WRONG answer.  He went from pleasant to super annoyed in no time and demanded to know why it hadn't been treated.  I wanted to hide under my chair...  I didn't have a good answer...I hadn't asked either of my NaPro docs for an antibiotic yet...they were both really concerned about the clotting labs so I assumed they wanted that part taken care of first.  And if Dr. C (ob/gyn who knew about the infection) thought it was that urgent, he would have given me a prescription right away, right?

So what I gathered from this reaction is that Dr. D might have wanted to repeat some of the labs at this visit but now could not because the strep would skew the results...and perhaps my previous labs were also skewed and therefore not usable?  Dr. D said I am to call him when my "doctor is sure the strep infection is gone" so they can redo the labs and then I'll have another appointment with him.  (Now I really hope that my TEBB disappears with the next antibiotic so I'll have a little "proof" the infection is gone...)  Another trip to see Dr. D isn't so bad...even if it is a long drive.  I asked if I could have the labs done at the hospital closer to home...not an option—they have to be done at his hospital's lab.  Sigh.  I asked if I could have them done the same day as my next appointment with him to make one less trip...no, obviously.  (silly me for asking)  Sigh.  So that means two more trips.  Ugh.  I just want this clotting issue diagnosed and treated sometime soon, and I think it would take longer if I started over with a different hematologist. I'll stick it out with Dr. D at least until the next round of labs.  Hopefully he'll be in a better mood the next time I see him.

Oh, they did say one thing sort of definitive.  This yet-to-be-named clotting issue isn't preventing us from conceiving, in their opinion.  That's good to know.  I didn't get a chance to ask if there is an increased risk of miscarriage with it (should we ever conceive), but I will next time.

My appointment with the hematologist is this week.  I was definitely more anxious about it back when the appointment was made two months ago.  Maybe having to wait this long has been a good thing in disguise.  Now I just feel resigned to whatever I find out from the doctor.  Whatever it is, I hope it's fixable.  :)

In other news, I don't think I mentioned the results of my endometrial biopsy.  The pathology report never showed up in my online record (not sure why) but no one ever called me about it so I assume it was normal.  However, the culture showed Group B strep.  That might explain why I still have tail-end brown bleeding (TEBB)...the antibiotic I took (before the biospy) does not cover GBS.  I haven't had any mid-cycle spotting since finishing that antibiotic, so maybe it did some good?  I am excited that we know what bacteria we're facing.  There's less guessing with the next antibiotic choice.  :)  I hear these low grade uterine infections can be tough to eliminate, so I don't know how long it will take, but I'm ready to kiss this TEBB goodbye.  My chart will look so pretty without the TEBB...one more step toward a normal-looking cycle.  :)

One day at work I met a very sweet, elderly woman.  She needed help finding her way out of the building, so I accompanied her.  We chatted along the way.  She was telling me about her family and mentioned the number of children she had.  I don't remember if it was 8 or 11, but it was some lovely large number like that.  :)  I commented that it would be nice to have a big family.  Her eyes caught mine, and she asked how many children I have.  Rather cheerfully I responded, "None yet."  I said nothing else about it, and the conversation continued in another direction.

Then we stepped into the elevator.  No one else was around.  As soon as the doors began to close, she asked, "Can I pray for you?"  Surprised at the question, I replied, "Um, yes. Thank you," assuming she meant she would keep me in her prayers in the future after we parted ways.  I guess that's what a typical Catholic would assume, right?  After all, I hadn't given her any specific intention to pray for.

Well, she grabbed the back of my hand and held it as she placed it on my stomach.  Then she bowed her head and began to pray out loud—still with her hand on my hand on my stomach.  Good thing her eyes were closed so she didn't see my puzzled expression.

A light bulb turns on in my head:  Oh!!  She meant to say, "Can I pray OVER you?" I get it!  I've had people, Catholic and Protestant, pray over me before, but usually it's a little more clear that that is what I am agreeing to and usually there is a specific intention...but, no matter.  Prayer is prayer, and I'm grateful for any kind, even if it startles me a bit.   :)

I was still very confused why our hands were on my stomach.  Holding hands, I can understand.  But the belly of a perfect stranger?

I wish I would have written down her exact words.  It was a short prayer because it was a short elevator ride.  She started out by praising and thanking God.  (I was thinking, "This lady is so sweet...")  She continued, and the only part I distinctly remember her saying was, "Lord, please open her womb."

The entire prayer was for me to become pregnant.  Wow.

How did she know?  I did not tell her we were TTC.  I did not say we had TTC for a year or so without success.  The simple response of "none yet" was something I have said throughout our marriage to anyone who asked if I had children—whether we were TTC or trying to avoid pregnancy.  And I know I was cheerful and smiley when I said it...if I had said it in a more depressed tone, I could see how one might guess we were having difficulty TTC.  Yet, somehow she knew.

Amazingly I managed to maintain my composure and not cry.  If I had been post-peak, there would have been tears.  It was so moving.  I was still in a small state of shock when she was finished, so I simply thanked her, and we chatted about something else while we left the elevator.  After a short walk she recognized the way to the exit, so she turned to leave, but not before giving me a big hug.

That little encounter made my day.  Actually it made my week.  I hadn't prayed for any consolation, but God decided to send me one anyway.  He takes care of us infertiles.  :)

Earlier this year I received a phone call.  It was from DH, who was out of town attending a family reunion.  (I couldn't go because of work.)  We chatted briefly about the relatives he saw, and then his voice became very serious.

DH: Um, are you sitting down?  I need to tell you something.

I immediately thought the worst—like someone died or his mom's cancer returned.  I actually did sit down.

DH: You are going to be an aunt.

I was confused at first—none of our siblings are married.

Me: What do you mean?
DH: My older brother is having a baby.  Well, his girlfriend is.
Me:  Oh. Wow.

[Silence]  I sat there in complete shock with my mouth literally hanging open.

Me: I didn't know he was dating anyone.
DH:  I didn't either.  He met her a few months ago, I think.  They haven't been together very long.
Me:  Are they going to have the baby?
DH:  Oh, yes.  For sure.
Me:  Are they going to keep the baby?  Are they thinking about adoption at all?

I was thinking, "Oooh, we could adopt their baby!  Wait...what a weird situation that would be—raising your brother's biological child.  And we haven't even discerned adoption yet.  Okay, scratch that thought."

DH:  They will keep it.  You know how much my brother wants kids.
Me:  Are they taking about marriage at all?
DH:  Actually, yes, but there isn't a date.  They had to tell some of her relatives that they were engaged to keep peace in the family.  In the meantime, she's going to move into his house.

At some point during the conversation I started to cry.  I had a million thoughts racing in my head.  Why do they get to have a baby?  Why can't we?  It's not fair.  They knew each other for a few months at most before they got pregnant.  And now we're infertile, and they're having a baby.  We're supposed to be having the first grandchild, not them.  (It's scary how much I sound like the older brother in the prodigal son parable...being infertile brings out some pretty ugly thoughts.)

Then I realized:  their having a baby has nothing to do with my inability to have one.  This jealousy has no purpose except to make me bitter and anxious inside.  Fertility doesn't depend on whether you're married either...crazy thought.  No one can "earn" a baby...God doesn't work like that.  We should be thanking God they are letting this baby live.  And we should praise them for making the choice to let this baby live..that cannot have been an easy decision.

I've had a while to ponder this.  When I think about it now, it still hurts a little but I think it's mostly because it shines a spotlight on our infertility—reminding me that we can't have a baby so easily (or at all, at the moment), which makes me sad.  I'm trying to see the upside of the situation.  Here's what I came up with:

1.  They live far away, and we rarely see them (less than once a year), so I won't have to face them often.
2.  This might satisfy my mother-in-law's desire for grandchildren for a while, so hopefully she will stop asking DH when we're going to have kids.  DH told her there are some medical "issues" but hasn't been more specific.  You would think that would be enough for someone to back off the subject, right?  (especially given the fact that two of DH's married cousins—on my MIL's side—are infertile, so this is not new in their family...)  We shall see.
3.  I now have an excuse to peruse the baby aisles at stores.  I will still secretly wish it were for our own child, but this will do for now.  (Eh, who I am kidding?  I never needed an "excuse" to browse the baby aisles before.)  ;)
4.  I also have an excuse for a sewing project.  Or an inspiration for one.  More to come when it's finished.

I found out the results of my lab tests from last cycle.  Dr. A wanted to see how my hormones were responding to the HCG injections, so he ordered some post-peak labs on three different days.  I was optimistic that the HCG was helping even before having the labs done.  Since starting HCG, my post-peak phase is about three days longer than before (not that it needed to be longer), my mood-related PMS symptoms are gone (oh, how DH loves that), and my post-peak mucus has nearly disappeared.  DH likes all this evidence that his injection-giving technique has been working; the HCG is getting where it needs to go—very reassuring for him.  Anyway, the labs say my progesterone is much improved since HCG, and estrogen looks good, too.  It's nice to have one problem solved!

Speaking of injections, DH is such a trooper in giving them to me.  I remember telling him after the first few failed TTC cycles, "You know the first treatment I'm going to get is HCG.  You know who gives the HCG injections, right?  The husband.  You know I wouldn't be able to do it."  His eyes got very wide, he shook his head, and he said he would never give me any injection.  Over time he softened a bit so by the time Dr. A actually ordered HCG, DH was willing to administer them.  (thank goodness!)  He was so nervous for the first one, bless his heart.  He had been trained by a nurse, we had general step-by-step written instructions from the clinic, and we had a random website I had discovered that went into great detail for each step.  (DH declined watching the how-to video on YouTu.be that I found...I think that would have made him more nervous.)  I had been told (and read) that the injection shouldn't really be painful at all—just a quick stick.  I suppose that is true if the injection giver is experienced, but for a newbie like DH, perhaps not.  There was some definite offering up of some burning pain that first cycle...  ;)  I swear one time DH rested the needle on my skin and slowly pushed it downward.  I don't recommend that technique.  DH did get the hang of the dart-like motion eventually, and the rest have been pretty much pain-free.  If at some point we get pregnant, I will likely need progesterone injections, which make the HCG ones look like a walk in the park.  For now, I am very thankful for HCG.  :)

Lately I have been reminded how fertile my friends are.  A couple weeks ago I received a birth announcement and a pregnancy announcement on the same day.  Two other friends are further along in their pregnancies.  There were two more births this week.  I am assuming there will be another pregnancy announcement shortly since I know a couple who has been TTC for a little while now.

I try to share in their joy.  I really do.  I love that God is blessing so many of my friends with such a beautiful gift.  I express my congratulations in the most heartfelt way I can muster.  Some days I impress myself.  For some reason it is easier for me to be happy and sincere on the phone than by e-mail...perhaps it's because I let myself cry while writing e-mails because no one sees or hears the tears.

After one of the recent births I was looking at the baby pictures posted online, and I just started to sob.  DH simply held me.  He understood and didn't have to say a word.  It felt just like the scene from Ju.lie and Jul.ia.  I was so happy for my friends but at the same time I hurt so much.  I wondered if they knew, if truly knew the magnitude of the blessing they had been given.  Somehow the blessing seems infinitely greater when you're looking at it from across the chasm of infertility.

Want to pretend you're a hematologist for a day?  Want to show off your Dr. Google skills? 

Let's play* "diagnose polkadot's clotting problem."  I've already tried to do it, and I've come up with a range of possibilities from benign to scary, so I doubt you'll find something worse than I did.

Here's the data you have to work with:

INR - normal
CBC - normal
PT - normal
PTT - very slightly short
Factor VIII - elevated
vWF antigen - elevated
vWF activity - elevated
platelet function (two different assays) - both short closure times

What diagnosis explains these lab results?  Anyone brave enough to try besides TCIE?  ;)

*Sadly I have no fun prizes like holey soap if anyone comes up with the same answer as my hematologist.  I will just be super impressed at your googling skills...and I have high standards when it comes to that.

In an interesting turn of events, I recently had a consult with Dr. C, who is trained in surgical NaPro.  (random opening in his schedule...fortunately he's within driving distance)  After going over my history and test results, he gave me the plan:  laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, endometrial biopsy, and HSG (to flush out the fallopian tubes) all in one day.  I will be blissfully unconscious the whole time.  (That is really best for all those involved.)  He said he will be prepared to deal with whatever he finds—if there is a polyp, it will removed; if there is endometriosis, it will be lasered out.  He was rather cheerful and almost enthusiastic about it—kind of like a coach motivating his team with the game plan.

Just when I thought it was time to go, he decided he should do a pelvic exam.  I was so close to getting away without it.  As he was leaving the room so I could change into the gown, he asked very nonchalantly if he could do the endometrial biopsy today. 

What I was thinking: "How on earth are you going to get that sample?  That requires going through the cervix...  Can't you do it during the surgery while I'm unconscious?  You're going to be in there anyway.  That was the plan you mentioned five minutes ago."

What I said: "Okay."

Apparently I am easy to convince.  I had no idea what I had just agreed to.  He returned with a nurse and a large tray full of metal objects.  I am glad I didn't know ahead of time what was going to happen.  (I googled it when I got home, and the description sounded worse than what it was.)  It was uncomfortable, and there were lots of cramps.  He needed two samples, so he had to do it twice.  Fun.  Ah, the things we go through to figure out why we can't get pregnant...

Afterward he was silent for a minute and looked like he was pondering something.  Then he asked if I bruise easily (yes) and if my gums bleed easily (sometimes, yes).  Great, now I have a clotting problem.  Why has no one asked me about this before, I wonder?  (especially that dental hygienist who turned white as a ghost at how much my gums bled during a cleaning a year ago...poor girl was traumatized)  Dr. C decided to order a clotting panel and said if the biopsy and labs are normal, then we'll schedule the surgery.  It must have been quite the panel he ordered since it required eight tubes of blood.  He said if the results are abnormal, he will call me.  Otherwise, he won't.  No news is good news, got it.

Less than 24 hours later he called.  The biopsy results weren't back yet, but the labs were.  I do indeed have a clotting problem, one that is out of his area of expertise, so I am meeting with hematologist in a couple months (that was the earliest available).  I wrote down which of the assays were abnormal and consulted Dr. Google.  Not a good idea.  Based on what I found, I came up with a couple possible diagnoses.  Also not a good idea.  (I am not a doctor...what do I know?)  I hope I am wrong, and it's just due to stress, which is actually on the list of possibilities.  Now I have to wait for the appointment with the hematologist for the real diagnosis.

I sent the lab results to Dr. A hoping he would have some insight.  He could not comment specifically on my labs, but it was reassuring to hear him say that many infertile women have clotting abnormalities which are usually treatable, and they go on to have normal pregnancies.  I really could have used that reassurance yesterday when I was convinced I have a horrible disease and will never have children—biological or adopted.  DH likes to call me his drama queen from time to time...  :)

So now we are taking a break from TTC until meeting with the hematologist.  As much as I want to find and fix the cause of our infertility ASAP, I am looking forward to this break.  Infertility is going to teach me patience whether I like it or not.

The third cycle with HCG was a bust.  I did set a new personal record for post-peak phase length:  16.54 days.  Technically I could have gone to the lab to have my HCG level checked (pregnancy test) that morning before AF started, but Dr. A thought peak+17 might be a bit too early to test--HCG from the injection might still be hanging around.  Making it past lunchtime on peak+17 without AF starting was pretty exciting, though.

This cycle we're adding an antibiotic to see if it will eliminate some of the extra bleeding. Can I just say I would be ecstatic if I had fewer days of bleeding?  Obviously, if it helped me get pregnant, that would be great, but less bleeding would definitely be a welcome step.

I remember my first 2WW (two-week wait).  Oh, how sweet and innocent I was.  I was on cloud nine pretty much the whole time.  I was constantly praising God for everything, especially opening DH's heart to TTC.  I had so much hope—a hope that fully expected to be fulfilled.  (Having a 76% chance* of conceiving in the first cycle seemed like pretty good odds to me.)  About halfway into the 2WW, I started spotting.  I had never ever been so excited to see spotting.  "Implantation bleeding," I thought, "right on time."  I diligently kept track of other early pregnancy symptoms.  Toward the end it took a lot of willpower not to take a pregnancy test.  (But I was bound and determined not to test until P+17...no false negatives for me.)  I never quite made it to P+17.  I was crushed.

The second cycle I had 2WW amnesia, I think.  I let my hopes get just about as high as they were the previous cycle, not remembering how much the disappointment hurt when AF came.  Lots of people don't conceive on the first try, I told myself.  If 90% of couples* conceive by the third cycle, there's no need to worry.  Yet I still cried when AF showed up.

Since then my attitude during the 2WW has gradually shifted towards self-preservation: "I'd love to be surprised by pregnancy this cycle, but I'm not really expecting it to happen now."  Change in expectations means less disappointment, right?  Of course, there is always a tiny voice in the back of my mind thinking, "This could be the cycle!"  (This is followed by, "God, could this be the cycle?")  I try not to dwell on it until the end of the 2WW.  I actually look forward to the first week after ovulation.  No more pressure to use certain days.  Either I'm pregnant or I'm not—there is no way to tell, and nothing more can be done at that point (aside from trying to boost progesterone).  It's a nice little emotional break...provided PMS stays away.

But then there's the second week of the 2WW.  Just as I'm starting to mentally relax, I notice what could be an early sign of pregnancy.  Let the mind games begin.  Here's a little peek inside my head:

Fatigue:  Wow, I can barely keep my eyes open.  I really need a nap.  Ooooh, could I be pregnant?  Or might it have something to do with not getting enough sleep the last three nights?  Or perhaps it was that lunch I had an hour or two ago full of carbs—my blood glucose probably just took a nose-dive...I suppose that's it.  Doesn't everyone feel tired mid-afternoon?  But I didn't feel this tired yesterday...hmmm...

Breast tenderness:  I think they're a bit sore.  Am I imagining it?  Hard to tell.  Maybe I'm checking too often so that's why they're sore.  Oh, it's just another PMS symptom.  But taking HCG has eliminated my other PMS symptoms...and I never noticed it before TTC, so maybe I'm pregnant?  Well, I guess I really never paid attention to it before TTC...

Urinary frequency:  I have to go to the bathroom again?  Really?  It's only been an hour since the last time. (grumble)  Maybe this is pregnancy!  No, it's just those ten glasses of water I had today—I did drink more than usual.  Well, at least my kidneys are working.  But I've had that much water before and never had to go this often...

Nausea:  My stomach hurts.  It's not heartburn.  Ooooh, it's really nausea.  This is unusual for me.  It must be that I'm pregnant.  Or could it be related to eating way too much homemade ice cream approximately an hour ago?  I wonder.  But this really feels different from the past when I've eaten too much at once...

Vomiting (only twice since TTC):  I threw up.  First thing in the morning.  It's morning sickness!  Wait, maybe I'm just super nervous about that big meeting at work today.  Or it's because I am up much earlier than normal and haven't eaten yet...but, it's not THAT early, really...

Toilet paper status:  Is that spot red? (after scrutinizing the TP very closely for two minutes...)  No.  Great!  Is it brown?  Wellllllll....maybe?  Oh, it's just not the best lighting in here.  That's why I can't tell.  I should check again to be sure.  It's not really brown.  Maybe the urine is dark because it's concentrated, and it just sort of appears brown.  Or almost brown.  Does that count?  But even if it is brown, it could be implantation spotting.  (five minutes later...)  Oh, I felt something—is that my period starting?  I better go check again...  God, your will be done.  (Are infertiles the only ones to pray before going into the bathroom?)

ETA of AF:  Today is peak + ___ (insert number 13 or higher).  AF could possibly start today.  I should wear a pad just in case.  Oh, but this cycle could be the one.  Yeah, but it would be really bad if AF came today and I weren't prepared.  Fine, I'll wear a pad.  And I'll put three tampons in my purse.  But that doesn't mean AF WILL start...maybe I'll get to the end of the day and find out I didn't need one after all.  That would be nice.

Once upon a time I kept track of (i.e., wrote down) each and every symptom I observed during the 2WW.  (I wanted to be able to answer the CrMS pregnancy evaluation questions accurately.)  At some point a few months ago it became too difficult to constantly focus on them, so I stopped.  Now, if they happen, they happen.  No big deal, right?.  Except I still have those little dialogues in my head whenever I notice one or more of the symptoms.  I guess that hope is still there.  I hope it doesn't drive me crazy.


*couples with normal fertility using CrMS to conceive

I've worked with couples with infertility or repetitive miscarriages for several years now.  I probably told every engaged couple I met during their CrMS introductory session, "I hope you never need NaPro, but just in case, it's reassuring to know that it's there."  I've even taught engaged couples who started TTC on their wedding night and went on to need NaPro.  It was heartbreaking to watch cycle after cycle pass without a pregnancy...and to see their excitement and hope turn into disappointment and (sometimes) despair.  My heart broke for them...but I never imagined I would one day be in their shoes.

My CrMS chart wasn't textbook perfect, but it didn't have the "major" signs pointing to increased risk of infertility that we're taught to look for on charts.  My mucus was great...really great.  (Seriously, if there was a contest of whose mucus stretched the most, I would win.)  My post-peak phase was well within the normal range.  I averaged very close to the "typical" 28-day cycle.  I didn't have painful cramps during my periods.  I even had a client with an almost identical-looking chart to mine who was super-fertile.  I had pretty much convinced myself we had good fertility.  I really wanted that to be true.  But in the back of my mind, I knew I had too much bleeding.  My periods seemed to go on forever and would be followed a few days later by more spotting.  I tried to rationalize that the mid-cycle spotting was probably just estrogen-breakthrough bleeding, so nothing to worry about.  But I could not explain away the long periods.  Regardless, I still clung to the (naive) hope that we had normal fertility.

While I was in Omaha for practitioner training (before I was married), I showed my chart to Dr. H, the founder of NaPro.  He studied it briefly, handed it back to me, and said, "You need a hysteroscopy."  I was not expecting that, but I figured with 30 years of experience, he knew what he was talking about.  :)  There wasn't a NaPro ob/gyn anywhere near where I lived, so I had to find someone else.  I found a local ob/gyn covered by my insurance who specialized in hysteroscopy and was also pro-life—a nice bonus.  Unfortunately, he did not agree I needed a hysteroscopy.  He ordered an ultrasound and said that the results explained my unusual bleeding but needed no further intervention.  "Come back to see me when you're pregnant," he said.  I was relieved not to need hysteroscopy and didn't pursue it further.

We started TTC last summer.  Six cycles came and went without pregnancy.  (Note:  When charting with CrMS, if you begin TTC and have not conceived after 6 cycles of fertility-focused intercourse, you can be referred to a medical consultant—you don't have to wait the full 12 months like most non-NaPro doctors require.)  It was a little strange to refer myself to the local NaPro doctor (Dr. A), but I wrote the referral letter just like all the rest I had written for clients.  The only difference was the number of charted cycles I sent to him.  Normally if a couple learns CrMS after they have experienced infertility, they only need two cycles charted to send to the medical consultant.  I sent Dr. A more than 40 cycles.  Overachiever, I know.  :)  (I charted long before we were married.)   Dr. A ordered the standard targeted hormone profile, a series of blood tests to measure different hormones throughout the cycle.  He also had me go back to my non-NaPro ob/gyn to see if he would do a hysteroscopy now.  The ob/gyn still didn't want to do it, but he did order a pelvic MRI to check out the anatomy of my uterus.  The MRI showed the same thing as the ultrasound so still no hysteroscopy.

The hormone profile ended up being 11 blood draws over 3 weeks—I felt like a human pincushion.  I really don't like needles, so DH came with me to all but one of the draws.  (I was so proud that I did one by myself!)   The phlebotomists at the lab started to recognize me after I kept showing up and said, "We love our regulars."  The good news is that I think I'm over my fear of needles.  :)  Everything came back normal except for low progesterone at the end of the cycle—a late luteal phase defect.  The treatment was post-peak HCG injections on certain days of the cycle.  Dr. A said the HCG should give us a pretty good chance of pregnancy, but if it didn't work after three cycles, we'd try something else.  So far we've tried two cycles with HCG without success.  We are disappointed, of course, but I think more than usual because Dr. A was rather optimistic about the HGC working.  This cycle he wants some blood tests done post-peak to see how my progesterone is doing.  The next step will probably be antibiotics.  After that, I refer myself to another medical consultant who does surgery...maybe I'll finally get that hysteroscopy.  Is it unreasonable to ask God to let me get pregnant before I would need surgery?  Surgery was not in my original plan.  ;)

I'm a CrMS practitioner.  Mucus is a common household word.  It has been for years—even long before I met DH or became a FCP.  So consider yourself warned ahead of time.  Some bloggers write TMI (too much information) on a individual post when talking about personal physiology.  I probably won't do that.  I'll just start talking about mucus or bleeding and assume everyone's comfortable with it.  Just wanted to be clear upfront.  :)

Hello, blog world.  I'm polkadot.

Let me just say that this blog was not my idea...it was DH's idea!  Almost from the first day I stumbled upon a Catholic infertility blog, he was telling me, "You should start a blog!"  HAHA, very funny.  Me, write a blog?  I don't even comment on other blogs.  But he was convinced I have a lot to say.  Could it be that I talk his ear off, and he wants some of that diverted elsewhere?  Hmmm...I wonder.  (He denies it, of course.)   :)

The title of this blog comes from a quote from one of my favorite movies.  (BTW—If you haven't seen Bella, I highly recommend it.)  How many times have I told God my plans?  More than I can count.  I wanted to be married by a certain age, have lots of kids, be a stay-at-home mom, the list goes on...  I have given God cause for many a chuckle and probably some roaring belly laughs from time to time, too.  :)  And God has been teaching me in several obvious ways, infertility being the most recent, that He is in charge, not me, and that He has a far better plan than any I could imagine.  And I am learning to trust Him in the process.