my friends and family know for a fact that ive never exactly had good skin. Ever since i hit puberty at the age of 13, ive had horrible skin. My skin started getting really oily and acne problems surfaced… zits, pimples, blackheads, whiteheads…. It doesnt help that ive got this really bad habit of squeezing them and causing lots of scars and open pores.

Due to stress and late nights from my unhealthy lifestyle, my skin got even duller and my friends started teling me I look older than I am and I look constantly tired. And as a result, I would never leave the house without makeup.

I started seeing dermatologists one after another but the results were slow and painful (esp on my wallet, i spent at least 300 a month). I tried Accutane and for awhile my skin cleared up so much but the side effects were driving me crazy as well. When i decided to stop taking my daily dosage of accutane, my skin started to get very oily again causing it to breakout like crazy!

In the end, i resorted to taking the pill because the effects of it gave me better skin and it’s been 1.5years since. So just 2 months back, I decided it’s high time i got off the pill to give my body a break from all these pills ive been taking (and also to get healthy to prep my body for pregnancy in 2 years time). As expected, my skin breakout like mad, i had little bumps all over my face, esp my forehead.

So to prep myself to look stunningly gorgeous on my wedding next april, i decided to try facial. Thing is, ive always been very skeptical about facials. My experience with facials started when I was 16 and it was horrible. I experienced breakouts after every facial and i swore to myself i’ll never do facials ever. Ive also heard horror stories from friends and i especially hate how they would try to up-sell and hard sell products/packages that you dont really need.

About 2 months back, i bought this groupon deal with this particular facial palour at 112 Katong Mall. It was a trial package – 3 sessions of signature refining facial. My facial experience there was unpleasant. My first time there left me $140 poorer because those girls made me buy some organic facial wash and toner. My second time there, the facialist insisted that I need an eye treatment which would cost $78. I had to try so hard to reject the eye treatment… goodness. And then she went on to sell me a bottle of ampoule, which would set me back by $45. Seriously??? Anyway i had no choice but to agree to take the ampoule, just to get her off my back. Before i left the palour, she made me book my appointment for my last session and told me she had booked me in for an eye treatment on my next visit. I was so cheesed off and needless to say, i never went back for that last session.

Anyway, right after that, i happen to learn that this friend of mine actually owns a facial parlour in tiong bahru. I told him about my terrible experiences with facial and how worried i am about my skin since the wedding the wedding is 10 months away. He was really kind to give me a fantastic deal and I have been going for my facials at his facial parlour eversince. Finally no more hard selling or up-selling of products/services… Every facial experience leaves me relaxed and refreshed!

Because of my oily, acne-prone skin with outbreaks, blackheads and clogged pores, Ive been going for facial once a week (for 3 consecutive weeks now) and my skin has cleared up so much. My skin also appears less oily and Ive stopped getting outbreaks! Yes i know, once a week seems really hardcore lol but it’s necessary to clear out all the impurities. Once my skin condition becomes more controlled, I can space out my visits to once a fortnight and then once in 3 weeks or once a month. Im just so relieved… at least my skin is starting to look better with each facial treatment!

Ive also made an effort to drink alot more water these days and that helps! I no longer apply harsh products on my skin as well… Im happy to be seeing results… and will update more on the progress of my weekly facials. :)

When I was in school, I couldn’t wait to start working to see what it’s like. Earning my own money and buying anything i want without having to ask from my parents.

I’ve been working for the past 4 years and I just wish I was a student all over again.

Grass always greener on the other side? lol

Anyway I mentioned previously (a few posts down) that I found a new job and would be moving on to greener pastures. It’s been 2 months in my new job and i’m so close to losing my sanity. It might come as a shock but yes, i have tendered my resignation, again. and I’ve got myself a new job, AGAIN. 

It’s crazy i know. But i honestly think i deserve credit for staying two months despite knowing that this place isn’t quite right for me since the first week at work. The job scope is boring as hell and I just hate the culture here. I am employed as a marketing executive to do marketing coordination work. Everyday from 8.30am to 5.30pm, I stare at the excel sheets on my screen and i just switch off. It doesnt help that my japanese colleague hates me and i hate her back. Alas i decided that this job is just not right for me.

Got this quote off this article:

“There wasn’t any rational reason for her to quit. But there was every emotional reason to do so.”

And i cant agree more. I guess this job was affecting me so much that i just cant be happy here. and even though the pay is pretty awesome, i just cant bring myself to work for the money so yes, i am leaving and next friday. 29th June would be my last day in job hell. Thank goodness! 

I have been dreaming of my wedding day since I was a little girl. I dream of walking down the aisle with my daddy dearest and saying “i do” to the man i love. I dream of the wedding dresses i’ll be wearing…

And it’s finally happening! except that it’s really not as simple as i envisioned it to be as a child. Goodness, planning for a wedding is alot of hardwork!

These days, i just stare at the list of things to do… and i go “god, help me”.

Daryl and I have finally settled on the date. We are getting hitched on the 6th April 2013! Well, we officially got together on the 6th April in 2010 so we thought it would be meaningful to get married on our third year anniversary. Lucky for us, our parents are really supportive and the least superstitious, so that made it really easy for us to decide on the date. All we had to do was to agree on the date and tell our parents. We have heard of friends who had to go through so many rounds of selecting an auspicious date to get hitched and we’re thankful that we’re spared of that “hassle”.

We have also settled on our wedding venue, Intercontinental Singapore! It was the first and last ballroom we ever viewed because I totally fell in love with the high ceilings, the chandeliers, the vintage feel of the grand pillar-less ballroom. I also fell in love with the solemnization area even though the seating capacity is pretty small (only 32 pax maximum). I can totally imagine my dad walking me down the beautiful stairway and my groom and loved ones smiling at me. This is how it looks.

The Solemnization Area.

The ballroom

Apart from the venue, we have also booked our photographers and videographers, spent about 6k here in total. I never knew wedding photography would be this expensive… faint. We kinda paid abit more for videography because we also wanted a pre-wedding video. ok fine, I wanted a pre-wedding video. hahaha.

I think the main thing about planning a wedding is really planning the finances. It’s seriously ridiculously expensive to get married in Singapore. You dont want to start choking up a huge amount of credit card debts just for one single day. When i first started planning the wedding, i wanted to have EVERYTHING because my thought was, “well, it’s once in a lifetime and I’m the bride, so why shouldnt I get everything I want?” Trust me, ONCE.IN.A.LIFETIME is a money making phrase. Everyone trying to sell you anything to do with wedding (i.e. engagement rings, wedding bands, bridal boutiques especially…) will tell you it’s ONCE IN A LIFETIME.

Along the way, i realised that this “once in a lifetime” nonsense just didnt work on me anymore. I started to think twice before spending money on the wedding. Lets put it this way… Yes, the wedding is once in a lifetime. It is MERELY a SINGLE day of my entire marriage. I want this marriage, i want it to be a successful marriage, I want Daryl as my husband, as my companion… A fanciful celebration is good to have but not of most importance. I have 50 years to go with this man i love and this wedding celebration is just one day out of my entire marriage. While it’s a celebration of two persons becoming one, i think that the notion of “once in a lifetime” is in actual fact, overrated.

Dont get me wrong, Im not saying that you just totally disregard the wedding plans or whatever. I still think that we should make the day as memorable as possible but it’s only wise to make the best out of whatever budget you’ve got. In that sense, be happy to spend within the amount set aside for the wedding.

Remember the quote by Will Smith? “People spend money they dont have, to impress people they dont like.” Well, especially so for Chinese culture, a wedding celebration is about 面子。Please, i hardly even know the people my parents are inviting to the wedding. lolol.

So yes, for me, I decided to limit my budget for my bridal package. I had 2 choices: Designer gowns vs Off-the-rack gowns. If i were to go ahead and engage a designer to design a wedding and evening gown for me, It will easily cost me 5k more than if I just choose gowns off the rack.

Ok digress –  for brides to be reading this post, if you want to “made-to-measure” your wedding dresses, please dont go to the usual tanjong pagar kind and ask them to design because 1. You dont know if the design you have in your head fits your body shape. 2. They make you top up money for everything and then more often than not, it doesnt turn out very nice. 3. If it doesnt turn out nice, you’re screwed, still have to pay extra and get an Off-the-rack gown. Unless you’re damn lucky. I suggest that if you want to MTM, go directly to designer boutiques like AmandaLee or The Wedding Present.

Anyway, so back to my story, I had to make a decision. I wasnt willing to pay 6k for 2 gowns which i’ll only wear for a couple of hours and then never ever ever wear again. I just dont think that it’s worth the price. I would obviously love to wear a gown designed just for me, but my budget doesnt allow for that. So in the end, i decided to go with Digio bridal because they have a huge selection of wedding/evening gowns and tea dresses and their service is awesome. :) I took Digio Bridal without the photography package because I wanted more flexibility. I have heard of friends who topped up a couple of thousands to “buy photos” from the bridal studios. So yeah, in my case, I’m very particular about “hidden costs” because i hate feeling unhappy about money or being put in an ugly situation. When it comes to pre wedding photoshoot, i feel that i have EVERY right to keep ALL THE PHOTOS taken because I am the bride, and thats the main reason why i went with a freelance photographer instead.

Ok totally digressing but yeah, we are more or less done with the booking and everything so now it’s really going down to the actual details.

BIG FAT SIGH. ok Abrupt end, bye!

So ive decided that im just not happy here in this job. So yes, i’ll be moving on… 

I feel bad though. I feel bad that it’s only been 2 months and i’m giving up. I feel bad that im not enjoying the work i do here. 

After staying together for 2 years now, ive learned that sometimes it’s really better to just go to sleep instead of trying to fix things by bed time. It’s a fact that people deal with things differently and at different pace.

Daryl and I used to fight quite abit when i first moved in. And i realised so many times, im overflowing with so much emotions that I just cant be logical and deal with the problem. To try and resolve the conflict there and then only means we end up digressing – we start fighting about the way we’re fighting which leads us to a even bigger fight.

So we found what works best for us… and that is to give each other a couple of hours to cool down and then once we’re both no longer flooded with emotions, we actually start making alot of sense to each other. We start understanding each other better. for me, ive been learning to deal with my emotions after a fight, learning to give him the space and time he needs while he cools off. at the same time, i learn to be fair to myself, to give myself time to deal/manage my own emotions.

so yes, these days, daryl and I no longer try to resolve problems immediately. We both know that fights are pretty normal between a couple and no matter how shitty the fight, we WILL eventually resolve it as a team and things will be okay.

So lately, we start noticing that difference:
1. We are starting to manage our differences better.
2. We are starting to fight more constructively.
3. Time taken to resolve a fight gets shorter.

So yes i’d say, go to bed angry if you have to. but after a good night sleep, be determined to resolve problems without getting your emotions involved.

we cant ever expect a fight-free relationship… but we can always look forward to a fight-healthy relationship! ;)

I SAID YES!?!?!?! :)

There were certain things that daryl and i agreed on even before getting into a relationship together. 1 month before we got together, daryl was sent to australia for work and during that period, we gave each other time and space to think about the idea of getting together – keeping in mind that if we do get together, we might never be single ever again.

It was 6 months into the relationship on a particular night when we started talking about the whole idea of marriage. It was then he communicated to me that he’s not ready for marriage – not now, not anytime soon, not in the next 5 years at least. His reasons were simple: He doesnt know if he would be a good husband or a good father, or whether he will even be ready to be ready for marriage ever. While i understood immediately where he was coming from, i also made it very clear that I want to get married and how important it is to me. I laid all my cards out and told him that he can take some time to think about it, if he feels the same way about this commitment.

So it wasnt until last june when he came back from an overseas trip in the states that he told me that he’s thought about it for the past 8 months, spoke to a few married friends and hes decided that he wants to get married. he said “lets get married once ure done with your studies.” he told me that he realizes nobody will ever be entirely ready for marriage, it’s like a leap of faith, a “I want to commit”. It’s like getting a job after graduation, you cant exactly say you know what to expect, but you just get into a job after graduation. He told me “i’ll never be 100% prepared or ready honestly. But i want this because if this is important to you and i love you, i will make sure we make it work.” There! it was at the airport where he said those things without a ring or flowers but it did not matter at all.

While we get busy planning for the wedding celebration next April, we constantly remind ourselves not to let the wedding get bigger than each other. As a bride to be, i remind myself that the wedding is just ONE DAY out of my entire marriage. I want this marriage, not the wedding celebration. :)

So the question: Am i ready? LOL, NO, not at all. i still find it hard to believe that im really getting married next april. but as what daryl said, and i couldnt have said it better myself, I am ready to take this step forward and to ride the waves together, as we promised even before we got together.

This “ride the waves no matter what happen” mindset has tide us through the difficult periods so many times. If not i think we would have broken up long time ago.

So much have changed/happened since the last time i blogged 8 months ago. Tonight, Im back writing on this space because i just cant seem to fall sleep. I have alot going through my head though nothing in particular. This always happens when Daryl is out of town. Ive gotten so used to living together that it’s kinda weird to not have him at home. 

This week is my last week at my current workplace. It’s been 2 years. Ive become very comfortable here. I love my flexible working hours. I love not having to be confined to the stupid desk from 9am-6pm every single weekday. I love the freedom. I love my colleagues. I love the things i do at work. This job is amazing except that it doesnt seem to pay me enough. 

Whenever a year is coming to a close, daryl and i sit ourselves down to do a list of resolutions. Well we have been talking about saving money for the longest time but it never quite happened. This year, our goal was to save enough money for our wedding and our own place. It wasnt until then that i realised that saving $500 a month isnt enough. It’s about time i start doing my part and contribute more every month. 

It took me alot of courage to tender my resignation and ALOT MORE courage to accept my new job. I start my new job 2 weeks from now. 

Well moving on… it’s been 7 months since I went back to UNI. Amazing or what? 3 more months and ill be DONE with uni. School’s been really tiring but fun. ive made quite a few good friends. I havent learned much honestly cos the modules are pretty easy. it’s exactly what i used to do in ngee ann mass comm (maybe even easier). but yeah, it’s mother tiring. Working and rushing to school right after. My brain’s fried by the time i get home. And if you dont already know, I FINALLY PASSED MY DRIVING!!! Thank goodness cos i really dont know what i’ll do if i dont have my license. Traveling to school is alot easier now that i drive. 

Life has been crazy busy. i just tell myself i keep moving forward. It will get better. it will get better. Sigh. and i dont even have time to plan for my wedding. 

Do you sometimes feel like you’re all alone and nobody seems to really understand, even those closest to you? They supposedly know you best but when shit hits, you realize they don’t. Not at all.

When times are good, it’s easy to be all lovey and gentle. But when times are tough and stress levels are high, you suddenly find that indeed – you have no one to rely on but yourself.

I wish for someone to know how I feel inside. To know exactly just how to comfort me. Too idealistic I know.

A part of me feels sad that nobody truly understands, yet another part of me -perhaps the more sensible part of me -tells me to deal with it cos everybody goes thru the same thing and this is just the way life is.

I have this strong urge within me to pack my bags, take all I have and go somewhere far. Somewhere where there’s freedom. Somewhere I can live one day at a time. Somewhere I can breathe freely.

I wish.

I’m upset. And i can’t even explain why. I’m trying to hopefully convince myself that it’s ok but it’s not. It’s NOT ok. I don’t feel ok.

I have all these doubts, questions & thoughts in my head but I can’t articulate them. No matter how I try.

I just feel sad. Like as if something’s so missing. Empty. And this sadness I’m feeling seems so… heavy.

Reasoning with myself doesn’t seem to be working too. I am not happy.

These days, I can’t seem to be able to find the right words to describe how i feel. Its ineffable… And these feelings that I’m unable to express just kinda turn into this sense of… I don’t know…numbness?

I feel like I’m trying so hard just to get by everyday. I don’t know if I’m happy anymore. I wonder if life is supposed to just be this way.

I feel numb and disheartened. Nobody truly understands. It’s just the way life is I guess. Everybody is busy surviving.

I realized it’s true when they say you have nobody to rely on but yourself. I feel so alone most of the time. Everytime I start feeling less alone, reality tells me otherwise.

There’s no more pain. I’m so numb that pain doesn’t feel like pain anymore. I’d like to think that maybe this is just all part of growing up.

I wish I could be more coherent. I wish I knew the exact words to say.