To: Our future child

From: Your parents
When: Thursday, Nov. 5
Time: 2:30 p.m. CST
What: Frozen embryo transfer
Where: My womb

You are cordially invited to my womb for a frozen embryo transfer. We dearly hope and pray that you can make it, and that you will stay for the 9 month duration. Food and lodging will be provided, as well as lots of love.

Nothing like a TV ultrasound to start the day, right?  :)

Had an ultrasound and blood test (for my progesterone levels) this morning.  Everything is looking good - they need your uterine lining to be at an 8, mine is at a 10.  Since I haven't heard back, I'm assuming that my progesterone levels are sub-ovulatory, as they should be (no news is good news!).  Everything is right on track - stopped the Lupron on Tuesday night (the headaches are going away!), but starting the progesterone-in-oil shots on Saturday night. 

I'm so grateful for everyone's well wishes and thoughts!  I'm so lucky to have such a strong network of blog friends!

Totally off-topic, but just a quick prayer request for anyone who is into that sort of thing.  My friend Tad is in surgery right now for brain cancer.  It sounds like things went incredibly well, but there are some other tumors spread around his body that are the next thing to tackle.  If you're the praying kind, please send a little one his way.

One thing that every single person with infertility or loss issues knows deeply is the lack of control we have over life. We try our hardest to get pregnant, to keep those babies inside of us – and we learn how very little “our best” can do. I don’t mean this in a negative way – it just strikes me every now and again how much I used to think I could orchestrate everything. I did the IVF thing perfectly, I was overcautious, I read study after study on fertility, pregnancy, etc. Then, we lost Maddie. After all of that work, we still lost our girl. There wasn’t anything I could do about it – and now, there ultimately isn’t anything I can do to make sure that the FET works other than just follow the protocol and pray.


In a way, this is a freeing. I’m not responsible for everything and everyone – I can do what I can do, and try to be the best mother and wife possible. No more, no less. I just have to follow wherever this road takes me.

(Sorry, that’s a little pseudo-existential for a Wednesday morning, but I think the calm is just good right now.)

Some days there really isn't more that you can say than that.  Just praying today for family/personal stuff, and hoping that all of this work for the FET will make a difference in the end.

Happy 16 weeks birthday, Maddie.

I hate being at all bitter.  It's not really who I am.  I'm so blessed to have had Maddie, and to still have her.  It just makes me angry when I see people who seem to have only had their child so that they can be a cute accessory, like a new purse.  I don't want to judge, as it's not my place - but these are people who don't like kids, who have no warmth, who pawn their kids off whenever possible.  It just makes me sad.  There are so many of us who would cherish just another day.

Sorry - that's really depressing.

I may be a bad person for this, but it scares the crap out of me that there are some people who have come back to work while they're still sick.  I feel badly and want them to be healthy - but I will selfishly admit that I don't want to get sick right now.  I don't want someone else coming back to work before they're ready to screw up our FET by getting me sick! 

I’m kind of weighing options at this point. We have three perfect 6-day blastocysts frozen. Our RE’s office freezes them in straws of two – so we have one straw with two babies, one with one. We transferred two when I became pregnant with Maddie, but she was the only one who implanted.


When I first talked to my super-fantastic RE right after I lost Maddie and was exploring our options for this, we discussed whether it would be more prudent to transfer one or two. My thinking was, “If my cervix is incompetent, two babies will put on more stress than one.” He agreed that it might be better to start with the single embryo, and then go to the two if that doesn’t work.

Now I just keep wondering if we should do the two due to the likelihood that only one would implant? I know that twins are very common – but what if we only transfer one and it doesn’t take? It’s not like this is free. I just don’t know how to balance the uncertainty of even getting pregnant with the chances that my cervix wouldn’t allow me to stay that way (since cerclages are only about 80% effective). Grr. I should probably just stick with the original plan.

Today is a much more calm day.  I'm still weary and just tired of all of this trying and uncertainty (in honesty, I just want Maddie back), but I just wanted to make a quick note about how grateful I am to have our frozen embryo babies.  After the severe OHSS, I don't know that I could handle doing stims this soon after Maddie's birth - the FET is a nice gradual wade into the water.  We're so lucky that we had so many eligible blasts to freeze.

There's not really much to blog about today.  I'm just a little weary.  Shots, estrogen patches, pills - it's just tiring.  I don't really get the mood swings very badly that a lot of women do, but the headaches and just the stress of it is wearing on me.  We just did this.  It worked - and now we have to do it again because my body gave out on our baby.  I have to be so minutely, incredibly perfect with the calendar, the schedule - it's just a lot today.  It's also hard to know that not only do they have to physically put my babies inside of my body, but that now they'll have to (if it works - please let it work) sew them inside of me in hopes that they stay there.  There really isn't any part of the babymaking process that I can "do" correctly.

Sorry for the venting.  Just a down weekend.

What goes up, must come down.  Sometimes there are just hard days.  I took Maddie's urn off of the dresser this morning to hold it and talk to her (like I do every morning), and it just struck me how incredibly sad and unfair it is that I have to take my daughter off of a shelf to hold her.  Tomorrow would be 36 weeks of pregnancy, not 14.5 weeks since she was born sleeping.

Most people who are here are already going to be aware of this, but I just wanted to share this as today's blog:

Today (Oct. 15) is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. This is obviously a topic very close to my heart, but I’ve got to tell the truth – “awareness” days kind of seem futile to me. It’s great to have people aware of a topic, but what tangibly does it do to just have people “aware” that people lose their babies? That doesn’t even really seem like half the battle – this doesn’t save any babies’ lives.


They recommend that orphaned parents share some of the important things that people should know about infant and perinatal loss, things that we didn’t know before - that this might help people to understand how important this topic is. I suppose I could share a few. Infants born past 20 weeks of gestation have to, by law, either be buried or cremated. It was required that we get a death certificate for Maddie (which we would have chosen to do, but it just speaks to how she was a person in the eyes of the law). Most importantly, there is no set calendar day (like today) for grieving your child – it is every minute of every day.

So then – what can be done that will save lives? That’s simple. Education, research, and prevention. A simple preventative ultrasound could likely have prevented Maddie’s loss, but insurance companies do not cover this. A bill by Senator Frank Lautenberg has been proposed that intends to further the promotion of educating people on and preventing these losses:

http://firstcandle.org/illuminations/lautenberg-bill.html

There is a sample letter on the link provided – what we can all do to actually make today matter is to contact our senators and representatives to support this bill. If you’re a Facebook user, this couldn’t be easier – there’s an application (http://apps.facebook.com/visible_vote/ ) that you can add, and there’s a quick option to fax your support to your local elected officials (it will even fill in their information based off of your zip code) – simply send the letter from the link above in the message box, and our voices can be heard.

Just got back from the hysterosalpinogram a bit ago.  Things went well - nothing changed in my uterus during the pregnancy or since.  I had forgotten how much I hated certain medical devices, however - nothing like a speculum and a mess to wake you up for the day.

Physically - 6.5     Mentally – 8

Emotionally - 6.5  Spiritually - 8

Happy 14-week birthday, Maddie.  I miss you so very much.

Never blogged twice in one day before.  Just thought I'd update - I got my e2 levels back, and everything is good (thank goodness - what a blessing).  However, I haven't had a hysterosalpinogram in over 6 months, so I have to have another one on Wednesday.  For anyone who isn't familiar, here's some info (LINK) - it involves radioactive dye, your girl parts, and a really poorly thought-out collection system for the stuff that comes afterwards.  I need to remember to wear shoes with good traction.

I had to wake up super-early today and drive the 60 minutes down to my RE's office to get my blood taken for my estradiol levels.  The process is honestly just so low-key with an FET, but I woke up at least a half an hour before my alarm and just laid there, certain that they were going to call me and tell me that the E2 levels were off and that we'd have to cancel the cycle.  I don't know why - maybe it's just preparing for the worst and hoping for the best, but it was this very real fear (which I never even considered during our last FET or our fresh cycle - then I was overstimulating).  I'm just waiting now for the call with my levels - hopefully this fear can go away here shortly.

I have had the song "Daughter" by Loudon Wainwright in my head this weekend - it was the song my husband and I instantly thought of when we found out Maddie was a little girl.  I had always wanted a little girl, and was just so excited.  The song is just so beautiful:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVam-fshUgw

Physically - 6.5      Mentally – 8

Emotionally - 6.5   Spiritually - 8

We did the embryo transfer for Maddie on February 26, 2009.  I had gotten my hair highlighted and cut midway through that same month before we went on a business trip.  Once I found out I was pregnant with Maddie, I didn't want to go and get it done again - both my OB and my RE had said it was okay, but I didn't want to let any dye touch my skin.  I was just so careful about everything.  Then, once I had Maddie, I just couldn't get myself to go in - I knew I wasn't ready to be in "public" (which it really isn't) for that extended of a period of time.

Well, I'm going in for tonight for the first time.  I'm really lucky that a friend's wife is my hairstylist, so I can just take a moment if I need one.  I'm really so very lucky to be surrounded with people who care so much about myself and Maddie - I won't get the weird stare from her.  It's the little things that make you feel better.

Physically - 4.5         Mentally – 8
Emotionally - 7         Spiritually - 8

I'm tired of feeling like I'm whining on here.  I want to make sure that it's entirely clear that I celebrate every second of Maddie's life - the four years trying to conceive her, the 21.5 weeks of pregnancy, the brief time holding her, and now every second she is in my heart. 

I feel so selfish that I ache for her here when I know how happy she is in Heaven.  I just want her to be filled with joy.

Happy 3-month birthday, Maddie. I love and miss you so much every day. I hope you can hear me when I tell you that.


It’s almost like my body knew that it was her 3-month birthday today as I slept last night. I had the weirdest dream. It was happening right now, as I go through the Lupron shots - I had to take an HPT before I started the BCP’s and the shots to make sure it was negative. However, I had to go to the OB for some reason, and they decided to test me for pregnancy (although they didn’t do a blood test). They got out the old TV ultrasound wand and checked that way for a while, and then they took some weird thermal molds of my stomach area – they were all pink by default, and they formed the shape of my stomach area.

While I was looking at the molds, one of them turned white where my stomach had been. The nurse looked at me and said, “This is where your baby is.” I instantly thought of Maddie, longing for her, asking if she meant that somehow my body was still registering as pregnant from her. “No, you’re pregnant again.” I asked if the baby would be okay, since I was on the Lupron shots – she said, “We’ll discuss the baby’s health later, but this is where you are pregnant.” I instantly leaned into the mold, touching where my baby should be/was – feeling so much hope and yet just knowing that it was going to end in loss. Wishing that it were Maddie, and yet celebrating her new sibling while mourning what I was dreading was going to be the loss of another child.

Wow, that dream is really kind of depressing. I guess I don’t know how to take it – I don’t know if I’m ready for this whole transfer thing. Then again, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for it, and this is the only way we can have another child. I can never “move on from” Maddie, but I just want to learn how to “move forward with” her.

Physically - 6.5          Mentally – 8

Emotionally - 5          Spiritually - 7

13 weeks since I last got to hold my baby.  Tomorrow will be officially three months.  Wow, that's a long time.  At the same time, it seems like just yesterday.

Maybe it's just me, but I find that all of this is really affected by outside influences.  The Lupron headaches, being sick yesterday, even the dreary weather just kind of make everything seem bigger.  Here's hoping for a sunny day tomorrow - for all of us.

Physically - 4.5       Mentally – 6
Emotionally - 5       Spiritually - 6

JTD and I went to a wedding this weekend - there were a lot of great friends there, but a lot of people who we hadn't seen or talked to in many years.  Hence, there were a few people who recently had children, but didn't know about Maddie.  Hence, there was a lot of forcing a smile as I was subjected to pictures and stories about their children, maternity leave, and so on.

I think it just really struck me how unfair this all is.  I want to share Maddie with them - not because I want to bring this up or garner any pity, but because I want her story to be told.  I want people to know how special she is, to remember her, to hug their own children tighter.  That isn't something I can do, though - I'm not going to force our tragedy upon others, even if it's out of the most sincere wish to honor her.  It's just not fair that I can't talk about her.  I should be 34 weeks pregnant with the most beautiful baby ever, not getting ready to celebrate her 3-month birthday in Heaven on Wednesday.  I am not pitying myself - it just feels like she doesn't get to be celebrated in the way she should, and that hurts.  Most people don't really ask about her or me anymore, and it's really not their place to do so - but I just want her to be remembered.  She deserves it.

I got a filling this morning, and my lip is still numb.  You know, sometimes numbness isn't a bad thing.

(I needed to edit this quickly - hopefully this didn't come off as melancholy as I think it might.  Sometimes it's just nice to put grief in a box for a day, you know?)


Physically - 5.5       Mentally – 7
Emotionally - 6.0    Spiritually - 7

It's been a really mild summer here in the midwest - by far the warmest week was the week before I had Maddie.  Unfortunately, I think fall and winter are going to come early this year - it's been stormy and gloomy (and cold!) the last few days, and it's not looking like it's going to let up.  In short, the weather is kind of a bag of crap right now - it takes a lot of focus to get around that whole melancholy, dreary mindset when it's almost dark out!  But, there's hope - yesterday was Day 1 of shots, and it didn't kill me to do them again.  So, you know, that's good...  :)  Bring on the Lupron headaches!

Physically - 7.5      Mentally – 6.5
Emotionally - 5.5   Spiritually - 7.5