I've decided that I'm going to stop putting the numbers of weeks/days since Maddie was born in the blog titles.  I'm acutely aware that it's been 29 weeks and 3 days, but that's just confusing to most people when I'm also 14 weeks and 6 days pregnant. 

For some reason, we've been talking a lot about our two frozen embryos we have left.  When we originally did our IVF cycle, I overstimulated to the point where I had to be drained (huge needle in the belly to suck out fluid - it was pretty gross), so we had to freeze the five perfect-grade embryos that we had left (we were so blessed to have that many - I'd had 31 eggs retrieved due to the OHSS, but they were all great quality).  Maddie and another embryo were transferred last February 26, and obviously this baby was transferred on November 5.  That means we have two left.  There are just so many issues to consider.

I have been feeling flutters for a little while - I had been telling myself that it was too early (even though my doctor told me I'd likely feel them earlier this time - I felt them at 16 weeks with Maddie due to my size), but I had some on Tuesday while we were at the ultrasound.  It just so happened that I could see the baby causing a ruckus in there at the same time, so it was pretty amazing to know that I'm really feeling the baby moving.  It's just the most wonderful feeling in the world - I so miss feeling Maddie move.

Just a quick update while eating a bite - I received a callback late yesterday afternoon from the peri's nurse.  No real answers on the red dots except that my blood tests were good from when I was in the hospital for surgery, so we should just watch them and call if they get worse.  Just to be safe, they're keeping me on bedrest for another two weeks and then will reassess on 2/9 to see what's best at that time.  I'm so happy to do it with the knowledge that it's what's safest for the baby, but my hips/back/neck are less enthused.

A huge thanks for all of the sweet responses!!

Well, that was a little anticlimactic.  I was all worked up about getting to the perinatologist this morning due to the blizzard we got yesterday and last night.  My husband and I made it down there, and had the ultrasound.  It was great - baby looked perfect and is just as active as ever (and still not showing us his/her goodies).  Length was about 4.10 cm, and it was probably a more accurate measurement than we got in the hospital.  So, I asked if we'd be going right in to see the dr, since he'd said he'd see us (I wanted to show him the red dots, ask about continuing bedrest, etc.).  I found out that he wasn't in yet this morning, and either he or a nurse would call me.  Oh.  So, nobody's checking out the red dots that still cover me (although they're getting better), and I am just biding time.  I called again a little before noon, but he'd just stopped in and had to step right back out.  So, back to waiting.

I've had time lately to think a lot about doctor's appointments, however, and I've come to a decision about gyno/OB appointments.  I've decided that it's the best thing possible if they don't remember my whatnot.  These doctors see thousands and thousands of women, and I'm pretty sure they don't say, "Oh, that Sally Jones, she had a really great vagina."  I'm pretty sure that the only reason that they remember your body parts is because of something bad.  I don't want them to say, "Oh, yeah, she had that really strange bump," or anything like that.  I'd like to be as non-descript as possible.  Same goes with my cervical issues here - I want my cervix to be unmemorable.  I don't like that it was "really short" during the surgery.  I hope that the rest of our appointments serve to be totally blase for all involved.

A smattering of updates...

So, I've developed an interesting symptom the last several days.  I have little red dots (not bumps, just dots like when they use the blood pressure cuff too tightly) covering my entire body (other than my face).  I called the nurse's hotline yesterday, and she said to call my peri.  The other dr was on call, so I updated him about the situation.  I let him know about the morphine reaction, what they look like, etc.  He said that, if I'm not running a fever, that we could probably watch it until my appt tomorrow.  I normally run around 97.8 or so, but have been between 98.4 and 98.8 - I figure that probably doesn't count as a fever to anyone, so I'm just playing connect the dots currently and waiting patiently for tomorrow.  Every cramp and all of the pressure (which is pretty constant) kind of send me into a tizzy, but I'm just trying to be calm.

I guess I had forgotten to say much about the actual surgery.  Obviously I had wanted general, and could still have done it, but they strongly advised spinal for the pain management.  So, I was awake during the surgery (and that's when I heard the doctor tell me how short the cervix was, and I kind of silently freaked).  What I forgot to mention was all of the talk of venison during my procedure.  "Did she say 'venison,'" you ask?  Yes.  Deer meat.  The anesthesiologist sat in on the procedure to watch my vitals, and started talking about how he'd been hunting and needed to pick up the meat, which launched a discussion of all of the uses of deer meat (in which I actually tried to take part).  I guess the good part of this is that he was not on the business end when he had this discussion - I don't know that I would have wanted him to be looking anywhere at me and have venison be the first thing that comes to mind.  I am willing to bet I have one of the only cerclage stories ever that involves discussing venison, however.

I told my mom yesterday.  It ended pretty much exactly how I thought it would.  I hate being right sometimes.

I turned 31 yesterday.  I have such an amazing husband - he ordered me a new (purple!) laptop, brought me some roses, and got me a big chocolate cake, in addition to waiting on me.  He is just so very kind and thoughtful.

My check-up is tomorrow morning at 8:30 CST.  I hope to get some answers and insight at that time, but I know at this point that all we can do is wait.  I don't like that my outer cervical length is so short, even though the inside is great - I actually feel more scared about everything than I did before the surgery, which is the opposite of what I wanted to happen.  Sorry - just having a hard time with not worrying.

I'm missing Maddie a lot today.  I just wish I could have all of my babies here with me.

We had originally planned to tell my mom and her parents this weekend at my birthday dinner on Sunday.  However, since I'm on bedrest through at least Tuesday, this is obviously not going to happen.  I considered sending an e-mail to them that announced the pregnancy and listed the pretty firm boundaries that I need to set, but I don't think that's a good idea - I'm still not getting to tell everyone at the same time, and I don't think they'll read far enough to understand my boundaries.  So, we've decided to postpone the dinner and tell them at that time.

Honestly, at this point, I'm also kind of just stalling.  I keep thinking about telling those three, and am not filled with elation - I'm dreading telling them, because I think it will increase my stress and decrease the control I have.  That to me says a lot, that I'm actually dreading this interaction that should be joyous.  That isn't good, and it isn't fair to the baby.

Today's better recovery-wise.  I don't think there's really a day when you say, "Wow, it sure felt/feels great to have my cervix sewn shut," but the pressure and everything is less.  I'm trying to avoid the Percocet they gave me (I know it's safe for the baby or they wouldn't have given it to me, but still).  I'm still worried about certain symptoms, but most things are slowing down.

Just a quick status check.  Still on strict bedrest at least until my peri checkup on Tuesday morning.  Luckily I'm allowed to work from home starting today, so it will keep me more entertained.  My mother-in-law has been visiting since Sunday, which has been AMAZING - she's a moral support, and is such a help with all of the things I can't do (which is pretty much everything).

There have still been some things that worry me quite a bit.  Without getting into any details, I'll just say that it's stuff that is pretty normal, but I panic.  The baby was just so beautiful and active again on Tuesday when we had the ultrasound.

Just a quick update.  Yesterday and last night were really rough.  I was in a bit of pain from the cerclage (apparently the Shirodkar cerclage is considered major surgery, and that's why they kept me overnight), the short cervical length was FREAKING ME OUT, and I couldn't stop throwing up from the morphine.

This morning, however, went a lot better.  The peri came in before we had our cervical length ultrasound, and we talked a bit.  He's ordering complete bedrest through next Tuesday at least (when I see him again) - I'd been planning on going back to work this coming Thursday, but we're changing that.  The ultrasound went fantstic - apparently I have almost no cervix on the outside of the uterus, but I measured between 4.5 and 5 cm total.  It was a huge relief.  Baby looked fantastic, was wiggling and measuring two days ahead, and so on.

I'm going to try and catch up on blogs, etc. - but I'm just beat!

Just a quick update from my phone in the hospital bed. The surgery itself went well - the doctor did some extra reinforcements, etc.

I am, however, terrified. A 4 cm cervis is great, they want above 2 - and mine was only half a centimeter on the outside (there may be more inside, will do an u/s tomorrow). Luckily the cerclage went in well, but this is pretty sobering/scary. I will get to talk to the peri tomorrow morning - I want to know about bed rest, etc. I am only 13w2d - how is this possible? The baby should be too small for this. It is just a miracle that we did the cerclage now.

Having a little rough post-op. Had to do the spinal instead of general, but that was okay (didn't hurt). However, I reacted strong to the sedative, and had uncontrollable chills for about four hours. I have gotten sick from the pain meds, too, which causes some pressure.

I am sorry to whine - just scared. Hope everyone is doing well.

Not much new going on – just impatiently waiting for the cerclage on Monday. I’ll be in the hospital overnight, so I probably won’t be able to post any updates until at least Tuesday afternoon (maybe later). Every time I do anything that I deem bad in the meantime (stretch too far, lift a little bit too much, etc.), however, I’m taking special care to worry about obsessively, apparently.


I’m a little weirded out by the thought of staying in the L&D department overnight, in all honesty. I know it will be a very good thing, but it’s just a little odd to think about hearing babies crying all night. I can deal with (and am happy for) my pregnancy and those of others who have lost their children, but encountering random babies is still a little weird for me. I’m so very happy for the others, but it’s just a little strange still. (I just realized how horrible that sounds.) A pregnant friend who lost her son this summer and I were chatting last night about how you feel bad talking about the pregnancy with loss friends who aren’t pregnant, but non-loss friends are just a little too positive and flippant about everything. They’re so very sweet, but it’s so hard for anyone – even our husbands – to understand the worry that comes with a high risk pregnancy after a loss.

Wow, I hope this all didn’t make me sound like a bad person.

Just wanted to post a quick blog after the NT scan. What we have discovered is that we have a very beautiful, incredibly active, very obstinate baby! We scanned for 50 minutes, and the pictures that we got of the nuchal fold are good, but not great. Any time we’d get close to all of the needed points, Baby Jota would roll onto his/her side (or even belly!). One time we even saw a somersault!


They’re pretty sure that the scans that they got were good enough for results, though. They look for a measurement under 30, and ours was 14. Just perfect, but I’m supposed to call next Monday morning before my cerclage for my results.

Heartbeat was 158 bpm, and I was measuring one day ahead (measuring 12w5d, am 12w4d). I think the baby has my nose, just like Maddie did. He/she kept either sucking a thumb or waving at us (we definitely saw five fingers on at least one hand), had his/her little legs crossed, and was just never still. It was so beautiful!

I am pretty boring today. I’m just impatiently waiting for our NT scan tomorrow – I want to see my baby! :)

Yesterday was my first day in about three and a half months where I haven’t injected myself with a foreign substance! Since we hit 12 weeks on Saturday, we got to stop the daily progesterone shots and estrogen patches. I’ll start a different type of progesterone injection after the cerclage, but it will likely be less often, and a different type of progesterone. I was getting some pretty horrible reactions at the sites where we inject (since the post-transfer shots are intramuscular, we can really only do them on my “way lower back” area), so it’s really nice to be able to give that area a time to heal.


It’s so strange – when we hit this point with Maddie and stopped the IVF meds, it felt almost like we were a normal pregnant couple now instead of IVF’ers. There were no more RE appointments (which meant no more special treatment with the extra ultrasounds!), no extra meds, a regular schedule of OB appointments. I can’t really say that I have that same feeling of being “normal” this time –granted, we’re not. We’re pretty high-risk, and being treated as such (for which I am grateful). It’s just a little strange how there’s not any going back.

Warning: Today is one of those posts where I let my frustration get the better of me. I try not to usually do so, so feel free to skip over this blog.


If I’m really honest with myself, I think maybe one of the reasons I’m so hesitant to tell my family about this pregnancy is because I feel like they’ll forget Maddie, or think that this baby replaces her. Based off of their actions lately, I kind of feel like they already have largely forgotten.

Obviously yesterday was Maddie’s 6-month birthday. I don’t expect most people to remember this; if Maddie were here with us, I wouldn’t expect any friends or coworkers to remember this day. I know that my family would have made a big deal of it, though. However, yesterday came and went without any one of them remembering, without them mentioning anything. Christmas was the same way – none of my family honored her memory.

I guess that, when it comes down to it, I know why. And I’m not really much different, or at least wasn’t in the past. We’re all cowards. This isn’t specific to my family – until/unless you have a tragedy, most people tend to be afraid of discomfort. We tend to try to make ourselves feel better for not asking someone how they are or remembering something with them because we assume we’re saving them from thinking about something hard (as if they’re not thinking of it constantly). In a way, it’s funny – we’re trying to spare them from remembering the very thing that they can never forget. I guess I’ve learned a lot about myself from Maddie (one of her many gifts to me), and I’ve tried to become better about this. I want to remember those who are important in others’ lives with them, and to honor their memory – as I like when people do for Maddie. I can’t expect anyone who hasn’t lost a child to have any concept of what it’s like, but I do feel like my family should be better about honoring her. I just feel so blessed that there are people here, and others in my life, who do honor her with me - both silently and through words/prayers.

I don't really have many of the right words today, other than to wish my sweet little girl 6 happy months in Heaven.  My deepest prayer is that her days are filled with love and happiness, and that she can feel the love that I send her daily.

I updated really late last night (for me, considering I go to bed these days around 8:15) here with some info on the OB appointment. Just a few updates and things I forgot.


I have my nuchal translucency scheduled for next Wednesday morning at 9 CST. (I get to see Baby Jota again soon!) Thankfully, I was able to call and confirm that my insurance company would totally cover the procedure, and it would only be considered a regular co-pay. Again, we wouldn’t take any measures if the test showed anything, but I just feel like it would be best to be prepared as much as possible.

My OB asked if the peri had made any indications on at what point we would do my C-section (praying that everything works well) – since we will be leaving the Shirodkar cerclage in permanently, he was wondering if I’d had any indications at what point we would deliver. The peri hadn’t said anything about it at our consult, but I promised to ask him on the day of the cerclage. My OB kind of outlined what the general plan is if the peri doesn’t have any preference – since 34 weeks is full-term, and we don’t really want me to go into hard labor while the cerclage is in, we will likely do an amnio at 34 weeks or so to see where the baby’s development is (obviously especially lungs). If everything looks good, we might deliver that early. That’s only 22.5 weeks away – that’s so bizarre to imagine!

I am so blessed to have had so many warm thoughts and comments on my last blog - they meant to much heading into today's appointment!  (Cheryl's comment came through on my phone while I was in the waiting room - it made me smile!)

All of those thoughts and prayers must have worked, because the appointment went great!  The doctor found the heartbeat without any trouble at all, and it was right on track with the number of beats per minute.  (As my friend Lowell and I were just discussing, it's the most beautiful sound in the world.)  He walked into the room and asked me how I was - I pointed out that I didn't have any pants on, so that really told the tale better than me.  He laughed and said that I'd need to get used to it - we'll be doing either a manual cervical check or an ultrasound at every appointment (rotating between them, and I'll have appts every other week) starting four weeks after the cerclage.  I didn't actually have the exam today (so I don't have any length/dilation updates so that people can figure out the square footage of my cervix), but everything is right on track for the cerclage on 1/18.

He also made me feel a lot better about different questions I had.  I explained that my peri didn't want me to throw up (so that it didn't put any pressure), but that the Zofran prescription wasn't really cutting it for me.  He gave me a second prescription for Reglan, so that should improve things.  I stop my progesterone shots and estrogen patches on Saturday evening, so I asked about a couple of other pills that my RE had me taking.  I can stop the baby aspirin immediately - he's not really a fan of its use at all since it can cause placental abruption, but we're past the point where it would be necessary for fertility purposes.  I also wondered about my Metformin (1500 mg).  He first pointed out that we're mostly past the chance of first trimester loss, and it's mostly used to make women with PCOS ovulate, which I obviously am not doing right now (although there are some studies that show that it reduces the chance of miscarriage).  He then also pointed out that my PCOS is pretty hard to predict - I've got "lean PCOS" (which just means that I'm average to small weight, which is not a traditional symptom), and that Metformin didn't help me ovulate at all.  The likelihood of it helping me out with the last couple of weeks of preventing miscarriage is probably then pretty low - but the chances of it making me nauseous are incredibly high.  Hence, I'm also off of the Metformin.  He said I could probably also get off of my folic acid (since the neural tube closes at 6 weeks, it doesn't really do anything after that) if it was really making me gag to take the pill, but I'll just stay on that because I'm paranoid.

I'm pretty sure that we're going to call tomorrow and schedule the NT scan, assuming that insurance pays for it.  We wouldn't even think of doing anything differently if it showed a problem, but I just like to be prepared.

Tomorrow is my OB appointment (11w3d). I’m nervous, but since I’ve been feeling like crap pretty constantly, that makes me a little less nervous than I had been. I just keep praying that everything is okay. They’ll do a full exam tomorrow, and I’m hoping for another ultrasound (although we should at least get to hear the heartbeat, regardless). This will likely be the last appointment I have before the cerclage, which is two weeks from today.


Someone recently was telling me about someone they thought to be a horrible mother who had just had a healthy baby. They finished the story, and said, “Why Maddie? Why not them? Doesn’t it make you mad/sad that they have their baby, when you would have been such a good mom?” Of course this thought occurred to me once right after I had Maddie, and I instantly shut it down. The answer to that is, “What does it matter?” First of all, I don’t know their story, just what I hear (whether it’s secondhand, on the news, or whatever). Not my place to judge. More importantly, however – how does someone else losing their child make Maddie less gone? It’s not a bargain – their child being born healthy isn’t what caused Maddie to pass on. To flip it completely around – when I see someone new listed on LFCA, in the news, elsewhere as having lost their baby, does it make me feel better, victorious? Like maybe their loss is going to secure the baby growing inside of me and make him/her okay? Of course not. What I feel when I hear their news is horrible, tragic sadness.

I am sure it helps others, and I would never take it away from them, but the “why me?” syndrome just doesn’t personally do me any good. That’s a question that can consume you, and it doesn’t make anything any better. I can’t physically help my little girl here on Earth, but I can love her and pray for her with all of my heart. That’s what I can do - for her and for me.