I signed in to Facebook over lunch to see that the wonderful and sweet Jen (from HERE) had made this absolutely lovely photo for Maddie for International Babylost Mother's Day:

Well, I just officially signed up for a class where I learn how to feed another human from my own chest.  Our Breastfeeding Class will be May 10 - I should be able to recline quite a bit, so it should be okay.  I'm a little disturbed that we're supposed to bring a doll if we can - I'm really hoping not to have to expose myself to strangers, but at least JTD will be there to be a human shield if necessary.

Some of our dear, dear friends are throwing us a couple's shower!  It's tentatively on June 12 - we're really excited.  I will (hopefully) be 34 weeks that very day, so it seemed like a good time to do it.  We're keeping it really small, but I'm so excited to get to celebrate Jota with others.

Little girl continues to kick my cervix quite a bit (I'm used to occasional ones, but this is a ton).  I'm debating going in to the doctor tomorrow if it doesn't stop.  It seems really rhythmic, so I guess it could be that she's hiccuping and bouncing on it?  I don't know - I feel like I'm super worried about this stuff and going to drive my OB crazy, but on the other hand.... I don't care, as long as she's safe.

We were at 27 weeks and 2 days yesterday when I had my OB appointment.  No ultrasound this week, just a manual exam.  All was "long, closed, and tight."  I was measuring at 28 weeks, even though I somehow lost two pounds last week?  All of that good news hasn't necessarily stopped me from panicking today as she keeps kicking around/at/(hopefully not) in my cervix.  I was so glad and grateful for another fantastic appointment, though.

I was on the way home and saw a mother pushing a stroller.  I had such strong emotions in such a short time - I thought about how I pray and hope that we'll be able to push Jota around soon, but then thought about how I long to have that opportunity with Maddie.  So often I'll wake up in the morning and think about how I'd love to be getting her out of her bassinet and having her lie in bed with me for a little bit before getting ready - since I can't, I talk to her urn and try to let her know how very much I love her.  It's so hard - we only got to have her in our arms for such a brief time that sometimes it feels like I am crazy for longing to have her back there so much.

I try not to ever complain about this pregnancy.  I worry, I fret, I stew - but I try not to complain about this amazing, wonderful blessing.

The truth is, there are some things that are rough, in all honesty.  It's been 13 weeks and 4 days that I've been on bedrest/work restrictions.  My legs have throbbed since about 2 weeks after the cerclage.  My back feels horrible.  I still have a ton of pressure and pain in my cervix, and every single one of these Braxton Hicks contractons terrifies me.  I mourn Maddie, and am scared to be too excited for Jota.

However, then I think about some of the horrifying stories I've read, and how much worse than me people have it.  My story isn't really that unique, it won't be remembered in medical journals or circles - I have lots of physical and emotional stuff going on related to this pregnancy and Maddie, but there are women who have endured so much worse.  While my babies are remarkable, I really am not.  I don't mean that in a self-depricating way, or like I'm looking for compliments - it's true.  Thousands and thousands of women have done this, and that gives me hope.  That keeps me from wallowing in the "poor me" syndrome to which I could easily fall prey.

I will happily do all of this and so very, very much more to keep Jota safe.  I would give anything to have my family safe - I know that I can't do anything to bring Maddie back, but I can absolutely help Jota.  I will do it, and rejoice for the opportunity.

I know I've written about him before, but I just wanted to write today about the amazing husband I have.


JTD comes from a family with lots of siblings, and family has always been an important part of his life. Many men with that kind of background would have been very hostile and angry at me for my infertility issues. However, he never said a word in anger over the last five years of struggling through everything. He's supported me through drugs and pills, through surgery and IUI. He's given me shots and gone to embarrassing appointments. When they had to postpone the embryo transfer and freeze our little ones after our IVF due to my severe ovarian hyperstimulation, he never said a word (even though we were both deeply disappointed) - he just held my hand while they drained fluid from me. He's been by my side and taken care of me through two frozen embryo transfers. When I've apologized to him for my body, he's said without pause that they were our issues, not mine.

When my body couldn't support Maddie last summer, he never said a word in bitterness or anger. Instead, he quietly put my emotional welfare and grief ahead of his own. While I was in the hospital, he came home without me even saying a word, and put away the positive pregnancy tests and belly cream I had in my bathroom, stored away the baby books I had strewn about. Even though he was in as much pain as I was, he wanted to protect me from these things when I was released from the L&D. To this day, he just holds me when I need to cry.

Now, it brings me so much joy to hear him say, "I was in A_____'s room last night looking at her crib, and..." It fills me with gratitude to see him talk to her and feel her kick. He waits on me hand and foot while I am stuck in the house, and doesn't complain. I have done some things in my past of which I am ashamed, but he truly inspires me to strive to be better.

I hope to not make my dear friend uncomfortable, but I just wanted to write today to remember little Quinn, the beautiful daughter of Fishsticks & Fireflies, who is celebrating her second birthday in Heaven today.  I am sending so much love to you all.

We had our 26w2d ultrasound and appointment today. 

First things first.  I have to imagine that it is, like, a billion times easier for guys to pee in a cup, yet somehow they never have to do it.  Not fair.

The important stuff, then.  I was a little worried about today's appointment, because I've been having a lot of pressure, and had 4 Braxton Hicks contractions in an hour last night (they stopped later, though).  However...  cervical length is still over 3 cm, with no funneling!  I can't believe it!  I asked about the BH contractions - he said to come in if they happen more than 6 times in an hour.  I also asked about the NICU at the local hospital - it's Level II with the capabilities of being Level III, they just don't have a full-time neonatologist on-staff (just during the day on consult).  However, there's a Level III that is only 30 minutes away - if anything happened with Jota (which is increasingly unlikely!), they would stabilize her and take her down to the Level III if needed.

Let's see, what else...  I downloaded an app on my iPod touch (which I rarely use) called "BabyBump" - it's got kick counters and contraction counters, which I love, as well as weekly photos of development.  Since I didn't feel like my homemade spreadsheet was cutting it, I love this so far.

We're still not telling anyone her name, but I will share her initials.  She's got the same initials that I do - "AKD."  I don't think I'm going to tell many (if anyone) in "real life" that, though.  :)

My husband and I both adore music. We were good friends before we started dating, and one of the things over which we found an incredible bond was music. When we got married, that was one of the big things we did as a couple (since he wasn't really interested much in flowers or colors) - we went through our music collections and compiled a huge play list of "accepted" songs for our DJ. (There were also a few songs that were unacceptable - my mom and I had a big fight over the fact that I adamantly refused to have a reception if the song "Butterfly Kisses" was anywhere near it.)


When we got pregnant with Maddie, we knew that we wanted to share music with her. We had songs that we connected to the pregnancy - the day that we found out that she was a little girl, this song ("Daughter" by Loudon Wainwright III) got stuck in our heads:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVam-fshUgw

I had my iPod playing today while doing a project for work, and that song came up. I immediately was reduced to tears, and it reminded me how broken I still am and always will be. It's amazing how you try and integrate your angel's life into yours in positive ways and to only take the good from the situation, from your baby's life - but something can bring so sharply into focus how much it still hurts, and always will to have lost her. The song accurately describes our feelings of hope for Baby Jota, but it is just inextricably tied to Maddie. I would give almost anything to be able to lose fights with her.

I want to focus on nothing but how happy Maddie is now (beyond what I could ever hope to give her), and how very much she changed my life for the better, but there are days when I think it's good to remember what could have been.

We had our 25w3d appointment today!  It started off with me drinking a butt-ton of fruit punch-flavored sugar junk for the gestational diabetes test.  While it didn't taste as bad as I expected, it definitely made me nauseous for about an hour or so.  The lab said that they would call me by 5 if results were bad and I needed the follow-up 3-hour test, or else they wouldn't call me at all if it was fine - I haven't heard back, so I'm taking no news to be good news!

It was not an ultrasound week, unfortunately (which is too bad, because I've been having a lot of pressure the last few days again).  The manual exam seemed great, though (still pressure, but no dilation), and my doctor answered my weekly litany of questions.  I put on two pounds in the last week after not gaining any for the two previous, but I went from measuring a week behind to being right on-target.  I like to think it's that Jota is getting bigger, and not just that I'm eating a ton.  :)  Next u/s is next Monday at 2:00 CDT.

One thing that I've discovered about the process of being pregnant after a stillbirth is setting myself little attainable goals. I should preface this by explaining that I'm not a very patient person, and I'm pretty particular. During both the IVF/FET processes and during pregnancy, I research everything to the point of exhaustion, and then ask about a million questions of my health care providers (I take in a list on paper each time so that I don't forget anything). Anyway - the way that I have found to get through the five years of infertility, or now the long stretches of pregnancy, are to set myself little milestones that I can try and achieve frequently and (hopefully) easily.


25 weeks has brought a few things:

- First of all, it's a nice round number, it's the square of 5, it's like getting to the "big number" on a clock instead of being in the minutes between the 5-minute marks. When it's 12:34, you tend to just round it to 12:35 - I am on one of the "rounding" numbers. I like that, and find odd comfort in it.

- When we ordered our P17 shots, they first only sent us a batch of ten shots. Since we started them on at 16w1d, our last one of the first batch was yesterday at 25w1d. When I started thinking about three weeks ago about reordering, I kept wondering if it was wise, praying we'd actually get through the first batch. We've officially hit that milestone.

- I'm doing the 1-hour gestational diabetes test tomorrow at my OB appointment. While it's not like "yay, let's drink sugar syrup!" or anything, it's definitely, "yay, we got this far!" Plus, we'll have a manual exam (not an ultrasound week) - I've been having more pressure over the past couple of days, so I just like that we have an appointment tomorrow.

It's so weird that we're less than three weeks away from the not-so-little milestone of the third trimester!

Just a few notes:


- I first of all wanted to just express again how grateful I am for everyone's support.  It's so unique when you can talk about how much your baby means to you even when you can't see her everyday, and other people understand.  I know you all feel the same way - the community of those who have lost children is just amazing.  I've felt so close to Maddie the last few days, and so many of your comments and blogs have helped me truly enjoy that.

- 25 WEEKS TOMORROW!

- A HUGE thank you to Bree!  I opened up the mail (finally) the other day, and she had sent Baby Jota the absolute cutest little hair bow - pink with brown polka dots!  My camera batteries died so I can't get a picture, but it is just the absolute cutest thing!

- I am positive that my little Jota is going to be the first female kicker in the NFL.  Not only will she do away with gender stereotypes, but she's proven to my bladder and cervix that she's world-class.  I'm fairly sure that I watched her kick the covers off of my stomach last night while I was lying in bed. I couldn't be happier.

- My body is so weird with pregnancy.  If my feet get too hot, I get red, firey-hot hives on them? Who does that, honestly?  As long as it's okay for the little one, I'm fine with it - but it's just weird.  I say this as I'm breaking out like a 12-year-old boy and have veins bulging in my hands - pregnancy just does some weird stuff to your body.  If my body is any indication, the stories you hear/see on TV (like when Rachel was pregnant on "Friends") of people starting dating someone new when they're knocked up seems incredibly unlikely.  There's not a lot that looks particularly inviting on me right now... yet I feel so blessed and know that this is the most beautiful thing in the world.

- I have got a rock-star husband.  The reasons are too numerous to detail, but I just am so lucky.  One of the gifts Maddie gave us was to make us even closer than we were before, and I'm so blessed.

I'm thinking of you, my sweet little angel, today and everyday.

I hate time passing, as it often feels like it's harder to connect with her in some ways (I don't know if this makes sense).  I'm just so blessed to have her in my life, though.  I think about who I am versus who I was 9 months and 2 days ago, and it's just immeasurably different.  She's brought me closer to God again, made me more loving and generous, helped me to realize that I want to be better all of the time for the people around me.  It is absolutely true that the littlest footprint can still leave a great impression on our lives.

We had our 24w3d appointment today at the OB.  It went so well.  We did a cervical length ultrasound - still over 3 cm, still no funneling, still no dilation.  I couldn't be happier.  Baby Jota is sitting incredibly breech (which doesn't really matter, since the Shirodkar cerclage isn't coming out before delivery and so we'll be doing a C-section), and I watched her specifically and defiantly kick my cervix.  :) 

She didn't want to behave a ton for good profile or 3D shots, but she did stop for a few seconds to let us know that she's #1 (sorry for the blurriness - I had trouble getting a screen capture of this):

I figured I'd change up the pace a little bit today. I don't think anyone has any questions about whether or not I'm scared. I seriously doubt that anyone who reads this blog or stumbles upon it is going, "Gee, I wonder if she's scared - I sure wish she'd clear that up for me."  So, I figured I'd change it up today.


I have a very important issue to blog about. Cankles (also known as "fat ankles").

For as long as I can remember, I've always had very clearly defined ankles. I come from a line of women with really small bones, so you could very clearly see the different parts of my lower half - leg, ankle, foot. No merging. Probably not all that attractive (kind of garishly bony, even), but there. I always kind of knew that, no matter what, I was all set in the ankle department. In all of the times I've sprained/broken an ankle, I've never had a doctor say, "I can't really tell where the ankle is."

I'm not sure that I can say that anymore. Edema has started to set in a little bit - not bad, but I'm getting a tiny bit puffy in the ankle region. I don't have that creepy thing (at least not yet) where you can push in your skin and it stays there for a while, but it just looks a little bit funny.  My husband says they look normal, but...

So, since I will proudly wear any sign of this pregnancy as a badge of honor that my little girl is still safe, I'm going to boldly proclaim it.  "World, I have fat ankles."

Just kind of a post of randomosity today:

- Most importantly, our dear friends P & J accepted our offer to be Baby Jota's godparents today.  This just means so much to us - they were Maddie's godparents, too, and have shown her more love than I can express.  They are truly two of the best people we know, and my husband and I just feel blessed to know that they are such important part of our girls' lives.

- I honestly didn't know it was possible for my back to hurt this much without something being incredibly wrong.  I have to admit, I always kind of wondered if pregnant women were exaggerating the back pain - they weren't.  Lying down for almost 11 weeks hasn't helped, but it is just incredibly painful.  I've got a pretty good-sized pain tolerance, but wow. JTD has been giving me nightly little backrubs, and I've finally pulled out the heating pad.  I definitely won't complain, as it means that Baby Jota is healthy... but I just wanted to apologize to pregnant women everywhere.

- Tomorrow is 24 weeks!!  I just can't believe it!  :)

- It's also hard to believe that next Wednesday will be Maddie's 9-month birthday.  It's been so long, but it feels like just yesterday.  I can't wait to tell Baby Jota all about her amazing older sister.