31 week 4 day OB appointment today. No ultrasound this week (that's next week), but instead did the manual exam.


Heart rate and measuring were good. I somehow dropped a pound again - three weeks ago, they told me I needed to gain a good amount of weight. Two weeks ago, I gained two pounds. Last week, I gained two more pounds. This week, lost a pound - so, I guess I've averaged a pound a week, which is good. I just wish the amounts would stabilize a bit more. Peed on my hand for the seventh week in a row, which was fantastic (I hope the sarcasm relays over the written word sufficiently there...).

We did the manual exam. It was obviously painful, like normal - I was a little worried going into this exam, just because I've been having pretty increased pressure and contractions lately (but, she's getting bigger, so that's expected). He got done with the exam, and said, "It's trying to thin out, but not quite accomplishing it. It's looking as good as can be expected at this point, and just think how it would be if you didn't have the cerclage." I always have trouble with what "effacement" is (I get that it's thinning, but don't entirely understand what it does), so I asked if it was okay. He said that I was "less than a fingertip dilated," which was said in a very positive manner. I know this is all good, and I'm so grateful for it - but I have some questions and concerns. First of all - whose fingertip are we talking here? I can fit my ring and pinky fingertips inside of my husband's wedding ring - there's a pretty big difference. And what finger are we talking? Thumb? Pinky? I know the thumb isn't technically a finger or whatever, but, again, that's a pretty large difference.

I don't want to sound negative at all, but I don't want to be any-tip dilated. Just worried today - I don't want my baby to have to be premature because of my body's inadequacies, and I'm just concerned that she will be (he did not indicate this, nor did I ask, but it sure seems like a thinning/dilating cervix leads to labor eventually). I know people can go weeks and weeks with being dilated, so I'm praying for that, but I also know that part of the reason I got an infection with Maddie was because I was unknowingly dilated (granted, it was a much different situation then, with much more dilation).  I just don't know that I can pray the words "happy and healthy" many more times without God becoming really bored.

I posted about this book the other day (LINK) when I ordered it, and just wanted to follow up now that we've received it.

To preface, I think it's a really great idea to share with my child from a young age that we did IVF/FET to have her.  I want her to know how desparately we have wanted her for so long.  I think a children's book is a great idea.  We kind of wanted to start reading this to Baby A around age 3 years old or so.

I think the book is really well done, but I think it may be a little more clinical/precise than we wanted to be at that age.  It uses the word "sp.erm" an awful lot - while I plan on using more clinical words than "hoo-ha" with her, I don't know that I'll be quite ready for the S word.  JTD read it, and had slightly more humorous observations - I wish I had a scanner, but the illustration of the father handing his sample over to the lab tech had a big smile on both's faces.  That is not how JTD remembers it - it was more of a furtive hand-off.  (He also pointed out that the sample glass itself was unrealistically full, which made me laugh.)

I know it's crazy, and I don't know what I'd do for illustrations, but I've been thinking about making my own book for Baby A.  I've seen several books that are great at explaining about the angel baby who went before them, so I feel like I have a lot of resources for introducing her to why Maddie isn't here, but want something to introduce her to IVF/FET at a younger age (I think this book will be great when she's older, just maybe not so great for early on).  I don't know, it's a lot to think about.

I find myself sometimes not knowing what to post here... I don't want to jinx what's going so well with little Jota/Baby A by saying too much (I'm not even superstitious normally), and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by posting about her too much... At the same time, I feel so positive that her story and Maddie's are intricately linked. Please, if anyone has any problems or difficulties at all reading about this, know that I do not intend any harm and totally understand if it's too hard to read this. I'm so grateful for the love and support.


Good, productive weekend. In a rare foray out of the house, my husband pushed me in a wheelchair around Babies R Us. It was a great look - luckily it was empty in there so nobody stared, and we just got in/out (I came prepared with a list that is chock full of what I want, the prices, and item numbers, so that there are no questions - I'm a little compulsive). We got our bouncer chair (which I put together entirely on my own - why don't the instructions have any words?!?), and bought the Angelcare monitor. (I almost wonder if that company realizes that they have a built-in market with lots of baby loss mamas?) We've had the car seat/stroller touring system thingy since I was pregnant with Maddie, but we just got it put together yesterday - now we just have to figure out how to install the two bases, and get them checked. JTD's mom was amazing, and sent us the co-sleeper/bassinet deal for which we'd registered (LINK) - we'll be using it as a bassinet, since I don't want to get my blankets anywhere near her on accident. Still a lot of stuff to put together, and some stuff to buy, but I feel like we're slowly getting ready... which is good, since I turned 31 weeks on Saturday!

I'd gotten the diaper bag I had been wanting a few months ago (from the company's discount site, thank-you-very-much), but just got around this weekend to starting to put some things in there for bringing her home from the hospital. I'd had a hospital bag packed for me in case I went into labor super-early, but I had been having troubles putting together stuff for her (again, I don't want to jinx anything). I am slowly gaining confidence every day, though, which is a wonderful feeling.

In other, much less important news, I realized something today: I have pretty much destroyed my couch from lying on it for the past 4+ months. I apparently am not as good as I like to think at getting food to my mouth (luckily it's leather), and I think it's getting a permanent indentation around my belly area. These restrictions have consequences I never imagined!
 
I may have overused my quota for parentheses today, so I'll just sign off by wishing everyone well.

One thing I've been thinking a lot about lately is the whole "I wish Maddie were here" thing.  For most people, it's true that, if their babies they lost had made it, their subsequent children wouldn't physically have been here.  We're in the unique position that this isn't really the case.  Maddie and Baby A were embryos that were frozen at the same time, and both were transferred at later dates.  Their DNA and (I believe) souls were already formed and were just waiting for us to transfer them.  In fact, we still have two babies frozen.  It's entirely possible that, if Maddie would have lived, that we could have had both of our little girls with us at some point. 

So, why couldn't I have both of them?  I wish with all my heart every day that it were the case, why couldn't I have it?  I know that the simple answer is because it wasn't God's will.  This is what He needed it to be - He needed Maddie to be born as she was, to give us the gifts that she did.  He is keeping her safe and happy forever.  I find beauty in the fact that my girls are technically genetic twins, and I firmly believe that they will be close despite everything.

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I read about this (LINK) on LFCA the other day, and immediately showed JTD.  He agreed with me that we really want our babies to know all about the IVF/FETs, and how much we wanted them.  I ordered a copy of this, and hope it will be delivered this week - I just wanted to share it with any other IVF/FET moms out there.

We had our 30 week 3 day appointments today. We got to do the full ultrasound this morning, as well as a quick cervical length check, and then just had a quick check-in with the doctor this afternoon (we had to split up the appointment because he does surgeries on Tuesdays and open u/s times were limited).


The ultrasound went fantastic! She's still a little girl (thank goodness, or else we have a lot of pink stuff we'd need to return) - I'm not thinking she'll like watching the up-close proof of this when she's older, but so be it. Heartbeat was 150 bpm, which is really consistent with what it's been so far. She is measuring over a week ahead (which is shocking) - she's measuring 31w5d! Her estimated weight is about 3 lbs. 9 oz. (maybe 10 oz.). Her head circumference, however, is a full week ahead of that - my husband's the oldest of five siblings, and there were some big noggins in the family (JTD's next youngest brother, M, still has an enormous hat size). So, I guess that makes me pretty happy that we'll have to deliver via C-section for that reason alone... ;) She snuggles right up next to my uterine wall, so it's awfully hard to get a good 2D u/s picture of her face (and impossible to get a 3D/4D), but here's our beautiful little girl. (She also kept putting her hand up over her face specifically whenever we tried, as if she were blocking the paparazzi - I'm thinking she's either stubborn or a beautiful drama queen-in-training!)

Baby AKD:



Cervical length was just amazing. Still holding firm at just over 3 cm, still no funneling. My OB is really confident that it's the Shirodkar being so high/tight that is doing this for us. I feel better and better about that decision every week.

I managed to pee on my hand for the sixth week in a row, despite my best efforts to break the streak. I'm going to try not to keep track anymore - this is embarrassing. I gained a couple of pounds (which is good), and was reassured that, while I don't look 30 weeks pregnant (I apparently have a long torso for someone around 5'2"), I'm measuring that way and that she's healthy. That is all that I needed to hear.

I'm just speechless and moved.  My friend Jess (of HERE and HERE) sent us the sweetest gift today.  Jess was my first "loss friend" after Maddie was born - she reached out to me because our stories were so similar, and her heart is so big.  My husband picked up the mail, and opened the box... there were so many things in there that I can't list them all.  She put in the sweetest little blanket and night light from the bedding set we have (HERE), a bunch of safety items (like a fridge lock, outlet plugs, etc.), the cutest little outfit, and just so much more.  I am unendingly amazed and supported by this community and the people in it.  Thank you so, so much, Jess - I can't wait until we see Clover's gender, and get to start looking for stuff for you!

Ultrasound tomorrow - a full one this time!  I'll try and post some pictures afterwards.

Yesterday we turned 30 weeks!  That's a number with a 3 in front of it, thank you very much!  I couldn't be more excited, I don't think!

Not a ton new here.  I've finally begun taking the tags off of and we're washing some of the clothes, blankets, sheets, and so on that we've purchased and received.  I had a lot of girl clothes that we'd been given when I was pregnant with Maddie - it was really hard to go through those, but it was nice to be close to her in that way, and to know that the girls will share those things. 

Good appointment today, despite it being a manual cervical exam week (rather than an ultrasound week).  Looking forward to another full ultrasound next Tuesday, but today's appointment had lots of good info:

- I am measuring at 29 weeks still (same as last Thursday), but did gain two pounds.  This made them happy.  I asked how I was measuring on time if I look so small - I've just got a long torso, I guess, for someone roughly 5'1" or 5'2".  The doctor did tell me that he could tell me I look fat, though, if it would make me feel better.  :)

- I peed on my own hand for, like, the fifth week in a row.  At this point, it's all guesswork, and apparently I'm not good at it.  I'm kind of OCD, so luckily I can wash my hands twice and then use the hand sanitizer in my purse - but it still grosses me out.  I guess it's better than peeing on someone else's hand, though.

- Thanks to Jen's awesome recommendation, I'm going to get an Angelcare monitor.  I'd researched them a bit, but never heard a personal recommendation.  To anyone who has had one - we've already got a video monitor for sound/video monitoring, so can I get away with the regular Angelcare (LINK) instead of the Deluxe (LINK)?  It looks like the big difference is just the range of the device, and that the portable units do sound monitoring (which, again, we won't need).  I may be missing something, though.

I've been missing Maddie a lot over the past few days.  I know it's crazy, but I started wondering if it would be weird if we took her urn with us to the hospital when we go in.  I decided that, yes, it would probably be a weird - but more importantly, I don't think I'd feel safe taking her out of the house.  What if something happened to her?  It will kill me to be away from her for a few days, but JTD will be at home some every day to hold her.

I stole this form below from a couple of other blm's - I admit it, I'm a thief.  Here goes, anyway!

How far along?  29 weeks 4 days


Maternity clothes?  Almost exclusively.  Since I'm at home about 99.9% of the time, I wear a lot of oversized shirts I own and maternity yoga pants, but I have preggo jeans and tops that I wear to the doctor and stuff.

Stretch marks?  So far, only down by my hips, where the swelling of my belly starts - and they're not that bad (knock on wood).

Sleep?  Ugh - not great, usually.  My OB has had me on Ambien since I had Maddie (it's safe for pregnancy), so I get a couple of hours right away, then get up to pee, then get a little bit more, then have to rotate due to really bad hip pain, maybe get another half hour, then get up to pee, then repeat the whole process.  I wake up really early, too.

Best moment this week?  In the past week, there were two.  One was seeing Baby A on the ultrasound - she's just so precious that it takes my breath away.  The second was on Saturday night, before Mother's Day - I took Maddie's urn and went up the stairs, as I do every night at bedtime.  I was putting her urn on the dresser where she sits at night, and found the card that my husband had left me.  I opened it up to the most sincere and sweet words I've ever read.  I was also so very touched to receive Mother's Day cards from my mother-in-law and the amazing Fishsticks & Fireflies.  (Have I mentioned that she's one of the sweetest people ever?)

Worst moment?  I don't want to even think about this, as it's not productive.  I'm sure it was during one of the many contractions when I was panicked that something was wrong.
Movement?  I'm not sure she ever stops when she's awake!  I do my kick counting, and she usually passes within about 3 min., sometimes up to 13 min. or so.  I think she probably moves somewhere between 20 - 40 times an hour (depending on the hour), and I love it!

Food cravings?  My cravings have slowed down a little bit.  I purposely eat a ton of fruit when I crave sweet things.  I would really like some fried dill pickles from a specific restaurant, and I keep going through a curry thing (JTD got me some about a week ago, which helped), but that's about it.

Gender?  This baby is definitely all girl, based off of all of the ultrasounds.  If not, we have a lot of pink stuff to return.

What I miss?  Just being active, and human interaction.  I miss it, but not so much that I'm willing to put Jota in any kind of danger for it.  (I obviously miss Maddie every moment, but I don't think this question is asking that.)

What I look forward to?  The obvious!  Having her here with us, being able to hold her and take care of her.  In the short term, I look forward to my OB appt tomorrow (just a manual cervical check), and then we get another full ultrasound next Tuesday!

Milestones:  Every day is a milestone!  I'm just so grateful that God, the doctors, and medicine have allowed us this opportunity.  I think about all of the medical marvels that have gone into this pregnancy - the intricacies of IVF and FET, the simplicity yet preciseness of the cerclage, the whole wonder that there is such a thing as a C-section.  This certainly hasn't been a "natural" pregnancy by any stretch of the imagination (in fact, I can't really imagine how we could have required more medical intervention), but every step is a gift.
Emotions:  Well, I'm terrified still by each contraction and cramp (and sad when each makes me think of Maddie), but it doesn't do any good to complain about it (other than putting others in an awkward spot when they're forced to give pity).  I am also filled with wonder at the blessings we've been given - I mean, I'll be 30 weeks on Saturday with our little miracle baby!  It's so amazing and shocking!  Every day this little girl gets bigger and stronger, and I'm just so blessed to be a part of that process.

I realized that it's been forever since I last posted a belly pic (whether people want them or not), so I figured I'd do so.  The OB last week said that I need to gain more weight (I've only gained 6 lbs. since they started tracking around 13 weeks, but I'd already gained a bit before that).  However, I think I look like a house.  Just a note - um, you can't really tell where my ribs are to tell how big the belly really is, because my boobs hide where my ribcage is (sorry to my guy friends who read this).  Also, those are gaucho preggo pants, my legs aren't actually this wide.  Also, I don't really have a painting permanently attached to my butt.   Anyway, without further commentary:



I hope that everyone had an amazing Mother's Day.  My husband is so incredibly sweet and thoughtful.  It was so special to be honored and remembered as a mother already, and one to-be again.  I know that he, of all people, could never forget - but just the fact that he took the time to remember it is so special.  I hope everyone had that.

Good appointment today!  We had our 28w5d ultrasound, and everything is great.  Cervix is right around 2.95 to 3.05 cm, which is amazing.  I talked to the doctor, and he's confident it's because we went with the Shirodkar (which is kept so high up in the cervix).  I feel like we really made the right decision for us with opting for it over the McDonald (not that it's the right decision overall, just the right one for us).  Baby girl looks great, and we'll have another full ultrasound in two weeks. 

I was just realizing that it's May 6.  This is important to me for a couple of reasons:

• Tomorrow is Maddie's 10-month birthday.  Happy 10 months in Heaven, my sweet little angel.
• In about 12 days, it will be May 18.  That will be four months to the day after my cerclage (January 18) - I will officially have been on bedrest for four months.  That's insane, but I just think about how much I feel it's helped, and how I'll do anything to keep Jota safe.  I know I say that over and over, but it's true.

Unfortunately, my breastfeeding class for this coming Monday got cancelled (only three of us were signed up for it).  I signed up for the one on June 7 as a replacement, so that's good.

29 weeks coming up on Saturday, and Mother's Day on Sunday!  Happy Mother's Day to all!

This past Saturday was the official start of the third trimester!  It was a very happy day - I just can't believe that we got here.  It's so reassuring to be at a point where the survivability rates are so high.  Obviously we don't want her to come anytime soon, but it just makes me feel so good to feel like she's going to come home with us. 

The following is a little bit of a rant - I'm just warning anyone who may want to not read it in advance, so that they can close out if needed.  And I know not to get upset about Facebook, as it's completely ridiculous, but it's just frustrating that it's one of the ways that people can invade my life who normally wouldn't be there.  I absolutely don't want to sound judgmental or at all self-righteous - just frustrated and determined.

Anyway - I decided to post a pregnancy-related Facebook status (which I try not to do all that often) celebrating the occasion.  We received a lot of congratulations, but I received a message from a woman who is about three weeks further along than I am (she's one of those people who friended me even though I only ever really talked to her for a grand total of about 20 minutes in high school).  She sent me a long message about how lucky I should realize I am, that she went through two years of trying to conceive (without any doctor intervention) and an early miscarriage, that I should realize what I've been given because of what she'd been through.  She had sent me something similar back when she first found out that we were pregnant, making sure that I knew how hard her journey had been. 

I have to admit - I thought for a fleeting second about taking the low road.  I thought about responding that we'd only been able to conceive via IVF after five years of trying, that I'd had both a previous miscarriage and the most devastating loss of my entire life when our little girl was stillborn, that I was enduring a lot of physical pain currently that I welcome with open arms if it means Jota's safe.  I would never, ever respond that, though - while she's a one-upper, I don't ever want to be that person.  I don't want to use my grief and life for dramatic effect, I don't need to prove what we've been through to anyone - it's not for anyone else to know.  Plus, who wants to win the "I've got a sadder story" award?!?  And, ultimately, the problem with one-upping is that someone can always one-up you.  I know of so many people, both in real life and through their stories online, who have endured so much - things that I can barely even fathom. 

I don't want to think we have it tough - I think this is the happiest time of my entire life, as I have an absolutely inspiring husband, an amazing little girl in Heaven who I know is safe, and a beautiful little girl who is thriving inside of me.  I obviously ache for Maddie to be here in my arms, but I also celebrate where she is, and that I know she's happier than I could ever have made her.  Our infertility and loss brought us here, and "here" is full of promise and hope.