There's not a whole ton new to post - the latest she can possibly be born is three weeks from today, so that's reassuring.

It felt like she was trying to make a jailbreak on Sunday night, however.  I'd gone to work for about 2.5 hours on Friday (I begged my OB to let me go, and he let me do it on a trial basis).  The weekend afterwards was pretty rough, but I started having some pretty strong contractions on Sunday evening.  (I've been having contractions of some nature since 18 weeks, but these are way stronger.)  They were going every 11 minutes, then went down to every 8.  At that point we started debating heading into L&D... and then they slowed to a near-stop.  While it was great news, I am curious about what it means for the next few weeks!  Our next OB appointment is this coming Thursday.  I'm curious to see how dilated I am at that appointment.

Maddie's birthday will be next Wednesday, July 7.  It's so hard to believe it's been almost an entire year since I got to hold that perfect little girl in my arms.  Unfortunately, my husband has to work extra hours that day (I was able to take the day off) - I am going to see if I can get out of the house and get some balloons for a release after he gets home at 10pm, or something like that.  I love all of the parties that so many BLMs have, but I feel like this needs to be a very private thing for JTD and I. 

How far along?  36 weeks today by my count, 36w1d by my OB's.  If she were born now, I don't even really count that as a preemie!

Total weight gain/loss:  14 lbs. total (they're still less-than-pleased, but I'm trying as hard as I can!)

Maternity clothes?  I wear maternity yoga pants and a big shirt whenever I'm around the house.  I wear maternity clothes about 90% of the time when I'm out of the house, but do have a few shirts I can wear.

Labor signs:  Of the ones I can notice, it's the same stuff it's been since about 18 weeks - contractions and cramping.  Am quite a bit effaced, and am dilated over a cm (didn't get a check this week).

Sleep:  Start-and-stop.  Mostly so that I can get up and go to the bathroom.
Best moment this week:  I know it sounds corny, but my best moments are just lying in bed cuddling with my husband and the baby belly.  We also have admitted to each other that we're a little terrified that we're going to be responsible for another human life here shortly - we are SO excited, but it's also really scary! 

Worst moment this week:  I probably have to go with the Group B strep test.  I've also been having some pretty sharp pains, but I want to keep her in there.

Movement:  All of the time, and I love it!  Our kick counts are insane - they average between only taking about 45 seconds to 5 minutes.  Then she just keeps right on going.  :)  She is stretching more often than kicking now - and the stretching involves her head in my hip bone and her feet sharply up in my ribs. 

Food cravings/aversions:  I have been having the worst acid reflux - waking up in the middle of the night feeling like I'm choking/drowning on stomach acid, despite the Pri.losec and sleeping at an incline.  The morning sickness has also come back.  So, I'm trying to avoid anything spicy or strong-flavored.  My diet is really boring.

Belly button in or out?  This topic is a little bit of a sore one with me.  I've definitely still got an innie, but it looks kind of creepy.  It's so shallow that JTD loves to stare at it and make fun of me.  :)

What I miss:  I miss being able to see where I'm shaving; it's been about two months since it was more than an educated guess.  I'll have JTD look and see how I did, and usually he just laughs - not encouraging.  I am elated that we're at a point where I can't see, though, and wouldn't change it for the world.
To what I am looking forward:  Lying in bed with my husband with our baby between us when we can actually see her. 

Weekly Wisdom:  I don't really think I have much wisdom... just to wake up every single day happy that she's safe in there.  I'm just so blessed to have the husband and two girls that I do, and take the time to be grateful for them every day. 

Milestones:  We're one week away from "full-term" by clinical standards!

Symptoms:  I don't think they're really even "symptoms" at this point.  It's more a way of life.

Another OB appointment today!  Another instance of peeing on my own hand, which is just expected at this point.  I gained one pound (still not making up a ton of ground, but I'm at a total of 14 lbs at this point).  The great news is that I'm measuring right on with the measuring tape - I was at 35 weeks this time, up from 33 last week.  That explains why my belly button got so much more shallow over the last week (which is creepy, by the way).  I still apparently don't look very big at all - a friend this weekend kept saying, "Oh, you're so LITTLE!"  I wasn't really as appreciative of that as I might have been.

We didn't actually do a full cervical exam today, so I don't know how dilated I am.  What we DID do was the Group B strep test.  Um... wow, that sucks.  I'm not going to get too much into it because I have a couple of guy friends who read this blog, but I didn't really totally know what all was involved in it.  And my OB does the second part of the swab as a ninja attack - he explained to me afterwards that he doesn't tell women what's coming ahead of time because then they won't let him do it.  :)  My husband was gravely disappointed that he wasn't able to attend this appointment when I told him about propelling myself across the exam table.

We took our last P17 shot last night, which means that we hit 35 weeks on Saturday!  This is awesome - no more having to ice down my butt before my husband sticks an enormous-gauge needle into it!  I'm guessing that my number of contractions per day will go up even higher (which seems impossible at this point), but it means that baby girl is doing well!  I remember being so nervous to even order the second batch of them, because I was so afraid we wouldn't get to 26 weeks.  Yet, here I sit, with Baby A/Jota proving me wrong - and jamming her head into my pelvis and her feet waaaaay up into my ribs to rub it in.  :)  So, I guess she's going to be like both of her parents and like to make a point...!

I had a friend recently e-mail me about the last few weeks of her pregnancy after her stillbirth (also at 21w3d, like Maddie) - she said that she had been especially sad/upset/nervous during that time, and she guessed that was the case for me.  Boy, was she right - I've been crying at the drop of a hat, and missing Maddie even more than ever lately.  I think it's just because we're so close - and, while I know that Maddie is safe and happy in ways that I never could have made her, I just don't want to lose another baby.  I don't want my body to fail another little miracle.  I just know that she's going to be okay, though - I just have to tell my heart that sometimes.

Well, I'm 34 weeks 4 days by my count, but he keeps saying 34 weeks 5 days - so we'll say both.  Here are the top three highlights from today's OB visit:

1.  My blood sugar got super-low while I was waiting for my appointment, and so there was this whole drama with getting me juice and everything, since I was about to pass out.

2.  My OB gave me a fist bump.  I didn't want to leave him hanging, so I made the little explosion sound to humor myself.

3.  On the way home, I got a roast beef from Arby's to try and get blood sugar up, and I'm pretty sure I ate part of the tin foil wrapper on accident.  Maybe I wasn't ready to drive myself home when my husband called me from work.

The appointment went well other than that, in a much less remarkable fashion.  I gained only 1 lb., and am measuring 33 weeks - but that's up a cm from last week, so I consider it a victory.  The u/s went well - lost about .25 cm of cervical length, but that's expected with as effaced as I am.  Baby A looked great - 143 bpm, and plenty of fluid.  This was our last ever ultrasound with her, which is a little sad - but so happy at the same time to know that we're past the danger zone where we need those.

It constantly amazes me how much people already love our little girl.  It's so completely touching and sweet that others care about her so much.
Our couples' shower was last night, and it was amazing.  Our friends, J & M, were just so generous and thoughtful.  I can't even go into how grateful we are for everything, and everything we got - we received so many wonderful gifts, and were so blessed to have such an amazing time.  It was so sweet to just be able to kick back and relax with our friends for an evening - and a couples' shower is perfect in that it took the spotlight off of just me, and included JTD!  :)  I will post pictures here of just a few of the highlights:

I didn't get a chance to post this last night, but I had my OB appointment yesterday.  It was actually really, really productive in terms of information:

1.  I am about 1 cm dilated, and about 58% effaced.  (I thought that was a nice, round number.)  I asked my OB if he thought that I'd go full-term with those number - he's actually pretty convinced that Baby A/Jota will go to the scheduled C-section date, which brings me to #2...

2.  Tentative C-section date is July 20!  Since my due date is July 24, this is a little later than I'd like to wait (I'd rather go the week before on the 13th, since he schedules surgery on Tuesdays), but it's longer that I get to keep feeling baby girl!

3.  We're keeping the cerclage in place!  My peri hadn't had the courtesy to call my OB back after last week's appointment (I'm a little annoyed by that), so he called them again with JTD and I sitting there.  He was pretty frank about not thinking that I need it removed, and the peri eventually relented.  We're already having a C-section, so there's no reason at all to put me through another spinal, do another incision, etc. to take it out.

4.  I asked if I could try going back to work for a few hours at a time.  He wasn't thrilled about it, so we're going to try it for one day next week from 2:30 - 5.  If I'm in as much pain as I was at the BFing class, I will just do what he said and stay home.

5.  Next week will be my last cervical ultrasound - because, at 34 weeks, they just won't stop labor if I go into it fully.  It'll be a little sad to not get to see her beautiful face again until she's born, but what an amazing milestone!

Our couples shower is this coming Saturday night - we're so excited!  We get to just relax and have fun, and see so many good friends - I couldn't be more thrilled.

Well, we finally had our class on breastfeeding last night (it was rescheduled from May).  I was so glad to go, but I have to admit - the whole idea of BFing scares me a little bit.  As I told my friend N via e-mail, I screwed up "cooking" Sudden.ly Salad.  Before you think, "Ha, she's joking, that's mildly humorous" - no, I'm not joking.  I truly and honestly put the flavored mixture in the boiling water.  How am I prepared for feeding an entire human with my own breast if I can't make something akin to mac and cheese?

The class was good, though.  There was a lot more time with the lactation consultant convincing about the benefits of breastfeeding than was probably necessary, since we all were there and had paid to learn.  I may have been a little more sensitive to this than I would normally have been, though - I was in a ton of pain.  I had been hoping to go back to work for a couple hours at a time for a couple of days a week here before too long, but this may have made me realize that I'm possibly not quite ready for that. 

Anyway, here are the highlights:

1.  There were some ugly babies and breasts on that video.  I hate saying that, but it's true.  There was one baby who had fur all over it - not in the way that it was just a hairy baby, but more like it looked like it was part gorilla.  My husband said on the way home, "There were only, like, three good boobs in that whole video."  I didn't stop to ask if he meant three pair, or three total.  If just three total - what happened to the other one of that pair?

2.  We were supposed to bring dolls, but only a couple of us did.  Our doll wasn't very big, so I felt a little lacking - especially when we walked in and the other couple who brought one had a doll that weighed at least 15 lbs.  Ours ended up being a lot more ideal for the class, but I felt dwarved.

3.  Cheryl of Cheryllookingforward had told me that they had a pillow shaped like a breast in her BFing class, but it was a really curious sight to behold in person.  I kept wondering what company specializes in the design and production of pillows shaped like breasts.  There was even a little pull cord that she used to invert the nipple - it was bizarre.  I wonder if you can get those pillows in a size that would work on your bed?

4.  Again probably because I was in pain, but there was one guy I wanted to smother with the boob pillow.  It sounds bad to say this, but he was kind of the suck-up (he laughed at everything the LC said, even if it wasn't funny).  What bugged me, though, is that he kept taking the class (which was already running way past time) off-topic.  At one point the LC mentioned how breast milk will naturally immunize your baby against certain things, and he shoots up his hand to ask if this means that they won't need to vaccinate.  I inwardly groaned, waiting for the fireworks to start.  The nurse just kind of looked at him and gently explained that breast milk doesn't immunize your child against, say, polio, but more like the common cold.  So, he asked the question again, should we vaccinate.  This was neither the time nor the place for that debate.  Luckily, she just gave him a short answer and said to ask their pediatrician.

It may sound as if I didn't get a lot out of the class, but I truly did - I just kept myself entertained, too.  One of the good things I found out for sure (I'd already been pretty sure, but not 100%) was that our health insurance pays for a breast pump.  We just get a prescription from our OB, and take it to the pharmacy in the hospital - they have Med.ela backpacks, which is what I wanted anyway.  I called the insurance company today, and they verified that not only have I met my deductible for the year, but have almost hit my out-of-pocket max (yay?).  Most we should have to pay for things (besides the copay) from here on out is around $60. 

I also will apparently be doing a lot of the "football hold," since we'll be doing a C-section.  My husband, a huge football fan, found endless amusement in this.  :)  Anyway - OB check-up tomorrow (just a manual exam).  Let's hope for no more dilation!

Tomorrow (6/7/10) will be Maddie's 11-month birthday in Heaven.  We've got breastfeeding class tomorrow night, so I won't be able to post tomorrow - but I wanted to remember my perfect little gift.

I have been having a really hard time with missing her lately.  I always miss her, but it's been more acute lately.  I think what keeps getting me is that I keep thinking, "I think I've learned everything I can from this situation, God, and I'm trying to be a better person - may I please have her back now?"  I just feel like I have tried to learn from this, now I "should" get to have her back.  I know there's no "should," though - there just is. 

What "is" is a beautiful gift every day that I treasure.  My life is so enriched every day by my Madeleine Rose, and I would never, ever give up a second that I had with her.  I wish to hold both of my little girls in my arms, but I trust that I'll get that opportunity in Heaven.

Happy 11-month birthday, Maddie.

I just wanted to write a quick note to say how much I just love people. I'd been having a hard few days, and then received something in the mail from a dear friend who is a former blogger (and a baby loss mama - she also lost her daughter at 21w3d). There were probably 15 of the absolute sweetest baby outfits I've ever seen - my husband already took them up to the nursery, but I'll try and get some photos. All different sizes, which is great because really all I have right now is newborn and a few 0 - 3 months. There were TONS of bibs (which is great, because I seem to forget that babies need those when I order stuff from BRU), and quite possible the cutest shoes I've ever seen. My little girl is going to be so well-dressed, it's insane. :)


Thank you, N, for making what had been kind of an emotional few days so much brighter. :)  Who is this thoughtful and generous, some might ask?  You are. 

Today was our 32w3d appointment with the OB.  Wow, that's a lot of weeks, isn't it?

First we had the ultrasound.  Baby A looks amazing.  Even though I showed to be almost a fingertip dilated at last week's manual exam, my cervical length is still holding out at a little less than 3 cm, and there's STILL no funneling.  I am so amazed and grateful.  Heartbeat was 150 bpm, and she's just lovely.  She had her little hand up over her eyes like it was all just too much - so cute.

I had gained 2 lbs since last week - however, I'm still only up 11 from the beginning of when they started tracking.  They want me to gain some more weight, so I'm apparently going to deep-fat fry some chocolate later or something.  I need to get a belly pic taken and posted.  Measured at 31 weeks, so that's within normal limits.

I saw the OB after that.  The first thing I asked him was my dumb question.  Everyone I've told about this looks at me like I'm crazy, but occasionally I hear a clicking/popping sound when she kicks super-hard, up in the top part of the belly.  It's only been happening for a week or so, but it's there a couple of times a day.  He reassured me I was normal - she's obviously pretty big at this point, and her feet are right up in my ribs.  He said that, with all of my joints being weird right now because of the Relaxin, my ribs are moving a little bit whenever this happens and just making noise.  He was actually disappointed that I didn't have a weirder question.

Then I asked my big question.  I've had a little drama this week.  My peri had told me when I last saw him that he wanted me to call at around 32 weeks or so to discuss taking out the Shirodkar cerclage.  I'd done a lot of research and talking with my OB since then, and we'd decided to leave it in (I'll be having a C-section already, anyway, for other reasons).  I called this past Friday and told them that at the peri's office.  The PA called me back and said that the peri "strongly recommended taking it out around 36 weeks."  I mentioned that I'd be doing a C-section, and so she talked to him again - he still recommended taking it out.  This kind of freaked me out - there are several reasons that I want to leave it in.  I've already confirmed that my IVF clinic can do another frozen embryo transfer around it.  The rest of my reasons are more practical from a personal standpoint - it was pretty expensive to do, first of all.  It didn't exactly feel awesome - a Shirodkar is pretty invasive due to the incision, there was a hospital stay and a catheter involved, and there was a decent amount of pain/cramping (it wasn't as bad as, say, my radiation, but I am not lining up for one if it's unnecessary).  On top of all of this, why put another baby through the risks of a cerclage (including rupturing the membranes) if the previous one can just be in there?  Well, I told all of this to my OB - and he demonstrated why I love him so much.  He just agreed with me and said, "Well, why?  You have a Shirodkar, they're permanent - why take it out?"  I explained that I never got a reason, but didn't know if the fact that my exterior cervix was only about .5 cm at the time of the cerclage mattered.  He said, "Well, we'll find out" - he proceeded to pull his cell phone out of his pocket and leave a message for my peri right then and there.  I'm still waiting for a call back letting me know what's going on after he hears back from the peri, but my OB is one of my favorite people on Earth. 

I've been missing Maddie horribly the last few days - I just wish she could be here with us during this, that I could hold her and kiss her.