Today is the Pickle's birthday! I can't believe it has been a whole year since I nervously held her for the first time, listened to her cry.

I have been so blessed to be able to nurse her for a year, and still going - not everyone gets that chance. I am proud of our choice to never make her cry herself to sleep. I have adored safely bedsharing with her since she was about six weeks old, and a plethora of other things.

Mostly I am so proud of the independent, confident, charismatic wonder she is. I am certain our parenting choices have helped this, but I think she is just an amazing little person. She is so happy and laid-back, despite my worrying. She is truly a miracle in every sense of the word.

Happy 1st birthday, Alice! <3

Dearest Maddie, I wish I were holding you today instead of writing you a letter in Heaven. I wish so many things for you, but I am so grateful to have had the all-too-short time we had. I am so proud that you made me a mother, that you are Alice's big sister... And I am making sure she is proud of you, too. You are magical and special, and even getting pregnant with you was an IVF miracle from the start. You are everything I could have ever wanted and more.

Love always and forever, Mommy

Two years ago today was the day before I went into labor, the day before my heart broke, when I was still serenely happy. I spend these days chasing the shadows of what we were doing two years ago.

Goog.le Calendar just e-mailed me to remind me that Maddie's birthday on the 7th. How thoughtful, as if I could ever forget my firstborn, my first little angel.