the dirt road

I really wish I could let people in to my world. But I know the answers that will be thrown at me. 
If it's not about me, why was this life of mine created? Yes, to return to my Creator, but... if you take me out of the picture, is there anything to return?

I'm tired of the same ole answers.

*sigh. :/

I see that recently I have been reading a lot of scripture, or rather stumbling across a few verses in different books of the Bible that talk about waiting on the Lord. Not only waiting on the Lord, but waitin on Him in silence.

Maybe He is trying to speak to me...

I have started reading a book, that I think everyone should read. About 5 or 6 years ago, my church I grew up in, started reading it, and I think every member of our church bought the book and began reading... so I decided I didn't want to. Just because everyone else was. Yes, I'm that kind of person. ;) I like to be difficult. Well, I found that book recently and began reading it, and it is absolutely challenging and blowing my spiritual life out of the water. I read it every night before I go to bed (I'm almost finished :(... ), and I am up late basically balling and having my faith rocked hardcore. This book is called The Heavenly Man, by Brother Yun.

This last year, the Lord began to show me how important scripture is. How rich and useful it can be in our daily lives if we would only truly realize the depths that His Word holds. I'm not gonna lie, I've always thought it was kind of boring and 'ancient' and what not. Every now and then, having a Bible verse stick out here and there to me, but it wasn't ever anything I thought was super useful. As I took 'a break' this summer and checked out or what not, I totally began losing that hunger for the word when the Lord was beginning to grow it inside of me. Well, now that I am coming back around, and allowing the Lord to soften my heart,(" I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Phil 1:6) I'm desperately craving it. I'd literally missed my Bible.

As I was packing my things up weeks ago for storage, I literally looked at my Bible and said "I won't be needing this anytime soon" and just tossed it. Then the last few days I was desperately looking for it, feeling so awful that I had said such a thing to something that should be so dear and precious to my heart. Now that I was realizing the life that is found within those pages, and the foundation that I need. My heart began to realize I wanted it and I needed it. I unpacked every single box I had stored searching and searching, and couldn't find it. After three days of searching through the same few boxes over and over, I finally found it in a suitcase. :) What a relief that was.


Back to this book, The Heavenly Man... it is about a Chinese pastor who became a believer at a very young age. There was only one Bible in the whole village that one old man owned, but he kept it buried in the ground, out of fear that it would be found and burned and he would be thrown in prison or killed. Yun desperately wanted a Bible of his own, and he went and found the old man, and begged him for at least one page of the Bible! The old man told him no, and to go home and pray and fast until God answered Him. So he did. At a young age ( 13?) he began to fast and desperately cry out to God for a Bible. He did this for months and his family thought he was absolutely crazy. After months of this, he had a dream of two men coming in the middle of the night and handing him a velvet bag and when he looked inside it, he pulled out a loaf of bread. A few days later, in the middle of the night he heard a knock on the door, and it was those two people and they handed him a velvet bag. When he looked inside, he pulled out a Bible! He had his very own Bible. By the age of 15, he had memorized the book of Matthew. Beginning to end, perfectly...


Seeing Yun's hunger and his desperate prayer to God for the Bible, makes me question how I am. I have about 4 or 5 sitting around in boxes right now, collecting dust. Usually they just collect dust on a shelf... As you continue to read Yun's story, it is all about his life and how (since very young) he has been completely persecuted and tortured for the sake of the gospel. And in his early years, he had soaked in the word of God, and now during all these times of persecution Yun constantly was remembering and speaking truth through scripture. It absolutely blows my mind the details of scripture he would remember in some of the most horrible and awful situations. It breaks me to realize all my life I haven't cared much for the Bible. In private school growing up I memorized John 3:16, and that's about it. I can recall a few (very few) times where scripture has really spoken to me, but nothing like how Yun who has lived his life according to it, and has it rooted so deep into his heart, that during the most unreal times of torture, he is reminded of scripture and his heart is full of joy.Reminds me of Ps. 119:11 "I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you." And Colossians 3:16-17 "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to od. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." It seriously blows my mind. (The last time he was out of prison was in 2001, so this isn't some super old book, it's so recent.)


The other night I had read a very challenging chapter that once again, rocked my world. That night I went to sleep and at 230 in the morning, I woke up to a sound. Immediately I was stricken with fear. I cannot describe to you the fear that had overcome me. I began sweating as if I were standing in a furnace and I literally was frozen. I couldn't move and I was terrified to even breathe. It took 10 minutes for me to even lean over and turn the lamp on. I was seriously that afraid. And I remember thinking, even in a time like this, I have absolutely no scripture to reference to in order to calm down. And in that moment, I realized... more than before that scripture is so incredibly important to hide in our hearts.

Jesus is putting this hunger in me to dig in scripture, not only dig, but dig deep into His word. I long for it, my heart is yearning to read it and to become alive again in Him. My heart is so dead when I try and to live life my way, but as I begin confessing my sins to Him, and begin to seek after Him and only Him, this joy comes back. This life and fresh air finds my heart and lungs and my heart begins to beat in a different way... my spirit begins to come alive again... and I remember that I am created for Him, and only Him...




Breathe in
Breathe out.
Lungs of nothing
Form from dust,
And life is made
Through the black
And white.


Desperate and weak
Your heart I seek.
I am nothing.
I know nothing,
Except what I know
In You.
I run fast and far
From You.
Yet without fail,
I return to You,
Every time.
If my heart could know
My breathes
Are not my own.
They are all Yours
Through the joy
And pain,
Let the fall of man,
And You nailed on a tree
Sink deep
Deep down.


Breathe in
Breathe out.
Lungs of nothing
Form from dust,
And life is made
Through the black
And white.

I have been in a season with many aches and pains...joys and dreams. Too many to share or understand myself. I think this is a season for me to be quiet, until I can share what the Lord is doing. So for now, I am shutting this baby down. I've had it since 2006, so I can't just throw all these random thoughts and lessons away, but I will be 'going dark' for another season...