The Harnation

So now that most of an entire month of 2013 has escaped me, I think I should write down some thoughts from 2012.

I think this was the year of change for us.  It was probably the hardest - and most rewarding - year of my life so far.  

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself back in June that things will be okay - in fact, things will be better than okay - they will be SO MUCH FUN.

That's the point we're at now.


So. Much. Fun.

I am honestly loving my life right now.  It's spinning by so quickly, I want to just enjoy every second of it.  Matt and I are having a lot of fun with our little bundle of depravity.

Anne Marie is keeping us on our toes.  She's full of personality, spunk, and is completely her own person.  I am seriously in love with this baby.  I want to enjoy every second of this stage because I really did not enjoy the beginning.


The beginning was really hard for me, and for Matt too, but I can really only speak about my own experience.

My transition to motherhood was just tough.  It was emotionally challenging going from setting my own schedule (and really - who was I kidding when I thought I was busy?!) to being responsible for another life, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  A little life that depended on me being there - always with her for those first several weeks.

I felt like I had no freedom anymore.  And lots of responsibility.  That weighed heavy on my heart.  I really didn't like it (and, let's be honest, I still struggle with it a little on occasion). 




I really questioned our decision to have a child.  I thought we'd made a major mistake.  I cried a lot.  I told Matt I was sorry that I ever wanted to have children and change our happy, "carefree" life.  I told him I just KNEW that it would have to turn out okay - otherwise, why would people keep having kids?!

Juggling a newborn baby with little-to-no-sleep is probably the most common ("textbook") new parent challenge.  I've found it hard to be loving and patient - with my husband.  He so faithful about loving us and trying his best to take care of us.  In the stress of the day, I usually took my frustration out on him.  Realizing that I haven't been as thoughtful with him as he deserves and making an effort to treat him with kindness has proven to be a constant struggle for me.

And on top of that, Anne Marie screamed all. the. time.  Or, at least to me it felt that way.  In reality, she was just a very colicky baby.  She would scream for 4 hours without stopping.  Regularly. 

Those were the days I would glance at the pool and wonder what it would feel like to just walk in and never come out.

It's kind of scary to admit that.


As we figured out Anne Marie's dairy/soy allergies and adjusted to the new reality of a family of three, things started to ease up.  Getting back into the rhythm of work was so good for me.  I  struggled with coming back to work, feeling like I should become a stay-at-home mom, but I think those were just the baby blues talking.  I'm so glad that Matt reminded me how much I love my job and to avoid making any hasty decisions.

Right now, working part time and being home with Anne Marie two days a week is really the perfect scenario for us.


Did I mention I'm loving life right now?

I'm just really enjoying watching our daughter grow, learn new things, and just explore.  I love having some time to spend away from work and to actually try to keep our home a functioning place of sanity.  Sleep is generally still coveted but usually not elusive.  The dogs are adjusting to having a baby chasing them through the house.  Matt's racing has slowed down but he's planing a big trip this spring where he'll get LOTS of seat time in.  I'm still enjoying working on school, but I'm also really ready to be done with this master's thesis.

The master's thesis is the only thing holding back this burgeoning feeling of baby fever that I have coming on. 

It's crazy to think that in a matter of a few months, I've gone from trying to figure out how to bargain back my decision to have a child to trying to convince my husband that two "might not be enough" to fill my heart.  I've never felt like a maternal person, but I've really had my eyes opened to how God has so perfectly designed me for this stage.

I just want to enjoy every moment of this life God has given me, even when things aren't going so well, because as I've been reminded countless times this year with the passing of too many loved ones, life is precious.

And very short.