The Harnation

 The "twins" had missed each other!  Due to experiencing our second round of rotavirus in our home this year, Anne Marie and George were in isolation for a week and unable to play at Big Daddy Daycare with all of their cousins.  The oldest two were so excited to finally see one another again!

By the end of the day Friday, it was too late to make it into Auburn so we headed to our accommodations at the lake for the night.  We commuted into Auburn for the A-Day game on Saturday.

I could have spent another couple of days in Auburn.  We didn't have a chance to go see our old house, drive through town, explore the new Student Activities Center, attend worship service at our old PCA church, or a plethora of other things that I would have loved. 



 

The weather held out and we were not disappointed.  No rain on Saturday!  (Too bad I had packed for the "100% chance of rain on Saturday" and didn't have what I really needed... shorts and a tank top).  After parking and hiking towards the stadium, we quickly decided we needed to make a detour.  We hadn't planned for sun and my kids all needed hats.  We lathered up in sunscreen and managed to protect everyone's winter skin from burning.

After the game, we were able to walk around a good bit and take some photos at Samford Hall and see the new trees at Toomer's Corner.

War Eagle!

I'm thankful for places with double-seated shopping carts.  George is just too big for the Baby Bjorn these days!

Now that I've got that off of my chest, I feel like writing about some of the wonderful things in my life.  The things that give me joy and make life beautiful.  The things for which I am thankful for.

Get ready, because I  have some catching up to do on photo posting.  If photos aren't your sort of thing, you can go ahead and skip this post.

 Let's start with this girl...


I am thankful for this little person who has become the funniest, spunkiest, most imaginative (and most bossy) little girl I've ever met.  She's incredibly shy towards just about everyone - including many in the family - until she warms up.  And then she will make you feel ultra special by gracing you with a glimpse of her exploding personality.

AM is simultaneously the girliest - and dirtiest - girl I know!

We've really struggled with getting her to sleep well.  It started about the time we were out of our house last year and in an apartment for three months while the effects of a burst pipe were repaired.  She became very scared of noises after experiencing apartment life and poorly insulated walls.  She's done better since we kicked George out of the pack-and-play and into the crib in the nursery with AM's toddler bed.  But she's still cycled through being scared of "the dragon", "a wolf", the dark, and other miscellaneous.

I think she's just manipulating me.



This guy... 


I am thankful for my healthy baby George.

My boy.

What a joy he's become!  He's a happy little chub - at least when he's in my arms.  He screams every Sunday when I drop him off in nursery (after which he spends a good amount of time being wheeled around in his "prince George wagon"), and we haven't been able to survive an entire small group Bible study without resorting to relieving the sitters of his relentless screams.  He loves me more than anyone else in the world, which warms my heart, but often hurts my back.

He's just about through with his ISR float lessons, and in record time too!  I guess in order to make up for the 8-9 weeks we spent getting the "twins" to float, he's mastered it in under three weeks! 

This is a few months old, but I love his expressive face!

He has become so mobile and is into everything.  I almost forgot what it was like to always have to keep a steady eye on them so that they don't hurt themselves.  It's impossible to get dinner ready or do anything with more than one hand without him getting into something he shouldn't.  

He's figured out which drawers don't have child locks on them and is an expert and reaching in and grabbing stuff out!

He loves his big sister, Ree Ree, and she loves him - although sometimes we have to work on both of them being gentle when showing their physical - ahem - affection towards one another.


Our new babies...

I am so thankful for two more happy, healthy babies in the family.

Checking out their new cuz.

And then, this guy was born.  Baby Gus.  Goose.  My cute, squishy, handsome new nephew.  He will always hold a special place in my heart.

His birth was the first that I was able to be present for (other than my own children) when I was honored to be asked to photograph Amanda's labor on his birthday.

My only regret with the new babies is that I am not able to hold and squeeze them as much as I would otherwise want.  George hardly gives me a chance to put anything else in my hands.

Cousins!

BDDC...

I am so thankful for BDDC - or Big Daddy Day Care, as we call it.

Three days a week, my kids are able to join their cousins at BDDC to run out their energies, learn lots of new things, and cuddle with their grandparents.

George, my dad, and Emmett last fall.

 People tell me that they think my parents (especially my dad, since he has been doing this almost three years) are crazy for wanting to keep the kids so much.

I kind of agree.  It's hard work!  I don't know that I could do it.

But I am so so so so thankful for their not only willingness, but enthusiasm for serving my sisters, myself, and our families in this way.



My dad is so good at teaching my children discipline and routine while also incorporating learning and fun activities.  If left up to me, my children probably still would not know the names of their body parts or how to properly use a spoon.

My dad is wonderful with the kids.  He is just the right mix of stern and soft.  He loves them deeply and it is apparent to everyone around him.  He teaches them so much just through his godly example in the ordinary, mundane things.


My mother...

My mother recently retired from a very long and successful professional career.  She was loved by her coworkers and employees.  She wanted to spend more time with the kids and took an early retirement to help out at BDDC.

My dad said that she had to intern on a provisional basis.  ;)
 


My mother is dearly beloved by her grandchildren.  They call her "Baaba" (a Japanese term of endearment for one's grandmother).  She is gentle, kind, and patient with them.

And she is so organized.  She is my idol in organizational abilities.  I love for everything to have its place, for there to be peace and order in my home.  My mother has been slowly working through BDDC, organizing and sorting and storing.  She has made such a difference.

She also thinks about things of beauty and teaches them to my children.  She sings hymns and Japanese folk songs to the kids.  She sends them home with copies of Monet's paintings and teaches them how to bake and craft and draw.

And she writes a journal through email, periodically documenting some of the week's events (and relaying funny experiences) with the "clients".


My family...

I am so thankful for our wonderful extended family.  We have three grandparents, a great grand parent, and three sets of great aunts and uncles all within an hour's drive. 



And every single one of them loves our children.

Poor George.  You can't even see his face!

We have a lot more family get-togethers now that we have children! I suppose everyone really loves an excuse to get together and enjoy the kids.
My aunt T and uncle J (whom we affectionately call "Uncle Getit") even kept the kids overnight this winter so that Matt and I could have a much-needed trip out of town together - and they LOVED it (the kids and the adults!).  I'm hoping to make this an annual event because we really need that time away together.


My baby daddy... 

I am thankful for Matt.  He is my constant.  My partner, my love. 

He is the one that gets dumped on the most, especially when I'm having one of my hard days.

Our mini getaway!  We stayed in a B&B and toured Lynchburg.

He is there to pick up the pieces and hold me together.  He is there to help out when I can't do another load of dishes or I need the aches rubbed out of my back.  He loves our children and he loves me with a steadfast commitment.

And I love him right back.




Oh yeah, and sleep... 

I'm grateful anytime we get any sleep.

Finally, after weeks  - months even - of rain, snow, ice, darkness, and gloom, we have had a glimpse of the sun and its beautiful warmth and light.

I always look forward to spring and the newness it brings.  I almost dread fall a little because I know that its end only means winter, and months of limited light, warmth, color and life. 

It's been like that for me emotionally the last six months as well.  Days of darkness and cold interspersed with the activities of life.


I've been thinking about it lately and it seems like I've had a delayed onset of the baby blues.  I guess around the time I went back to work, things just started getting hard.  Keeping up with everything has been overwhelming.  I think I overdid it by coming off of maternity leave and signing up for a PhD level course at the same time.  I had to drop out of all of my extra curricular activities and church fellowship groups.  I've had a hard time learning to juggle our new life and trying to keep all of its balls in the air.

After having a wonderful and fairly easy "transition to two" for the first three months of George's life, I seem to have experienced a set back.  A delayed sense of feeling completely overwhelmed.

It's been a rough six months.

Not every day.  That's the thing with winter.  Not every day is miserable and dark.  Not every day is cold and numbing.  But every now and then, it will sneak up on me and I will have a hard day - or days - and I will wonder, "what's wrong with me?"

It's not normal to spent the day(s) daydreaming about running away and never coming back, right?  It's not normal to go through a mental checklist of which friend I could hide away with and forget the responsibilities of my every day life with, if even for the weekend, right?  It's not normal to feel this overwhelmed by the simple routine of raising two small children, right?


Sometimes I think I'm the only one.  I mean, people don't exactly talk about this.  People don't advertise what it feels like on those dark, cold, gloomy days.  That's not what you hear or what you see.

What you see are the smiles, the "let's just get through this day" grins that help you hold it all together in front of everyone else.  The carefully crafted images of keeping everything in place.  That's what you see.

I know I've done that.

I've sat through the celebration for an event that we've talked about for over a decade, that I've actively been a part of for over five years, with that same plastered smile on my face, even if it was poorly faked.  All the while feeling completely despondent and helpless and hopeless and numb inside.  Telling myself, "just survive two hours."  "Then you can go home and no one will have to see how you really feel inside."  "Don't let them see how you feel right now."

I've even lost the facade now and then.

It's not always a facade.  The majority of the time is really like this.

 There's nothing like the sensation of a hot stream of tears and the flush of embarrassment when you lose the carefully placed veil you've worked so hard at creating in front of other people, even dear friends.  No one wants to be vulnerable in front of others.  No one wants to let anyone else on the outside see how hard it is, or what it feels like on the inside.

Just writing this out makes me feel like I'm being a touch over dramatic.  That I need to just suck it up and stop feeling sorry for myself.  That I'm complaining about what is a wonderful life. 

I have so much to be thankful for.  So much.  I couldn't even begin to list it all out.  And I am.  I am truly thankful for the people and things in my life that make it so full and wonderful and rich.

I am so thankful for these three.

But that's the thing with the winter.  It doesn't care that summer was so warm and wonderful.  It doesn't care that spring will be just as beautiful.  It doesn't care that you have a nice roaring fire inside... if you could just get there and grab a warm cup of cocoa and sit on the couch and enjoy it.

When it's winter, it's cold outside now. 

The hard days are the days when my body is physically broken and hurting.  Those days when I'm tired or my body is exhausted from the requirements of lugging two small children around - both of whom seem to want to be carried all of the time - and trying to meet their physical and emotional needs.  The hard days are when I feel like every person, animal, and thing (living or otherwise) needs something from me.  They are the days when I feel overwhelmed by the pulls of children, work, husband, school, pets, home, church, and more.  They are the days when there is just not enough of me to go around.

They are the days when I feel like I'm teetering on the razor-sharp edge of a complete and total emotional break down.

And the thing is, I have cut back on my responsibilities.  I really do not have an overwhelming burden when you put things into perspective.  But I guess that logic doesn't always necessarily play into how you feel emotionally. 


I have to think that I'm not the only one.  I can't be the only dreading Sunday because that's when I have to hold it together in front of the most people.  I can't be the only one among all of those happy-looking families and put-together mothers that feels like they're treading water, just barely keeping their nose above the surface at times.

And I don't really know what there is to do to make it better.  Maybe just venting about it (although I feel like a drama queen even writing this post).  Maybe it's finding the balance between being honest and admitting my failures versus hanging onto darkness.  Maybe it's doing a better job of turning things over to my Savior and truly leaning on Him.

I don't know what the difference is between experiencing a legitimately challenging phase of life and struggling to deal with it emotionally versus wallowing in discontent and self-pity.  

When does it change from something you can't help and have to just get through to a heart issue that you're not dealing with?

I guess if I'm honest, it's been more than just the transition to two that I've struggled with.  There have been several changes in our lives that we are all learning to adjust to.  Change isn't always bad, but that doesn't necessarily make it easier.

I told a friend that even though you might be looking forward to a new chapter of your life, it doesn't mean that you don't sometimes look back and mourn the loss of past chapter(s).

And I supposed I have done a bit of that.  Mourning the past chapters.  Mourning missing dear friends, mourning the old way of things, mourning our former community (or at least my "idea" of what that was). 

I don't know how to make it all better.  How to make the sadness and sense of being overwhelmed disappear.  But I do know that it will.

Spring always follows winter.