The Kaufman Klan

I'm totally devastated!! I went to the eye doctor yesterday because my right eye has been getting progressively more hazy that now it is seriously affecting my vision. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe something had gotten in my eye and I didn't realize it or maybe my medication needed to be adjusted or something...anything other than what it is.

I have cataracts!! This would still be devastating news if I had the means to correct it but since I don't, it is horrifying!! I meet with the surgeon on January 6th, but from the research I've done so far I'm looking at between $3000 - $5000 per eye, and I will need them both done.

It's kind of funny. The eye doctor was so nonchalant about it. You just need minor surgery to correct it...no big deal, but it's a huge deal when you can't afford the minor surgery that is going to save your vision. This has progressed from nothing to operable in just a few short weeks, so I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to see out of my right eye. My left one will need to be done as well but is not as bad as the right.

Damon swears we'll do whatever we had to to get them done, but short of finding the ever elusive money tree I really don't know how that is going to happen. Even my wonderful husband cannot make money appear out of thin air. So I am terribly depressed and feeling sorry for myself, only this time I can't say that "this too shall pass" because it won't. It will keep getting worse until I can't see at all

Six years ago February I met a wonderful, sexy man and fell head over heels in love! 3 years ago tomorrow, I married him. I am so grateful for my husband. Grateful that he love me with all of my faults and imperfections. Grateful that he was willing to take on the job of raising my boys. Grateful that he gave me a sweet little princess to complete my family. I can't wait to be sealed to him for time and all eternity. He is my soul mate, my love, my husband.

We go every year to see A Christmas Carol at Hale Center Theater. They sell commemorative Christmas ornaments and we've got one every year so far. I look forward to the day when those ornaments fill our tree!!

I am almost ready for Christmas and getting very excited. I love to see my children open their gifts. I crave the look on their faces when they realize they got just what they wanted. I don't get to do that very often, and I love every minute of it.

This month is going both quickly and slowly. I know that doesn't make any sense but there it is! Christmas is quickly approaching, but I am still not out of school and I am waiting on some news that won't come until after Christmas.

I got my real tree up and its beautiful! I had my lights up but I couldn't get then to lay right so I took them down. Damon thinks that's silly but I want it just so. I know I'm weird but it works for me.

It's a little hard to feel grateful when you're in a funk, but I really did have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I cooked, as usual, but we had our very good friends over and I enjoyed that very much.

So what am I thankful for? A sexy, loving husband who treats me with the respect I deserve. Two awesome boys who have taught me about acceptance and unconditional love. A sweet little princess who completes me. I am thankful that, even though it sometimes hurts to do so, I can walk. I am thankful for my awesome body. It may not look the way I want right now but it has never let me down.

I am thankful that my husband has a job that he likes. I am thankful for the kindness of strangers. I am thankful for a warm house on nights like this and for the health that I enjoy. I am especially thankful that I can look at my life and see how very blessed I am and very much I do have to be thankful for.

So that's the short list. I really could go on all day.

I am so excited for Christmas. It is the one time of the year that I get to give my children whatever they want! I'm actually almost done with my Christmas shopping too. Black Friday did help a bit, even though I refused to wait in the cold and got there fairly late. We are getting a real tree this year!! We haven't had a real tree in years and I can't wait!!

So I think I'm depressed! I know I suffer from depression but, not to make lite of a serious subject, it comes and goes. I really am not having any fun in school right now, I feel weepy and irritated, I am exhausted all the time! If I didn't know better I would swear I was pregnant (but that would take a miracle, literally)

My aunt just died and I haven't even been able to cry for her. Yep I'm depressed. It kind of sucks that I am in school to be a mental health counselor and I can't even help myself. There is an absolute danger in having some, but not all, of the information. I had a Russian teacher who used to say "the less you know the better you sleep". I think he was on to something.

Now the weather is getting way too cold way too soon and that's not helping my mood either. Oh well...this too shall pass.

Damon got a job!!! I am not going to say anything negative about it because I am just so happy that he is working again. He'll be making decent money and after 45 days he can work at home if he wants to. All in all, it's a blessing and I'm very grateful. I don't get to quit work, but that will come.

Shiloh gets to start dance class now that her daddy is working. She starts Wednesday and is sooo excited. She hasn't taken off her leotard since she tried it on an hour ago. I can't wait to see her dance.

Classes start again on Monday and I am really not looking forward to it. I never get as much done during my breaks as I swear I will. I think I will like this class because it psychopathology, which I love, I'm just not looking forward to all the extra work right now. It's nice to spend the extra time with my kids without homework looming over my head, but you do what you have to.

So we leave on Friday and in spite of all the drama (which I'm not going to bother listing because I am in such a good mood)I am so excited to go!!! I am going to have the hardest time concentrating on work this week. Thank goodness I had the foresight to get ahead on my assignments for school.

I decided to break it up instead of driving for almost ten hours straight, so we are spending Friday night in Mesquite then we'll drive into CA on Saturday. We were going to go see the boy's grandma but I can't get a hold of her so who knows about that one.

We will spend Sun. Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Friday in the parks and Wed we are going to Solvang. I'm way excited about that. Damon and the kids have never been. I will take lots of pictures so you all can be super jealous when I post them ;)

California here we come!!

I hope it doesn't make me a bad mom to admit this..but I'm very excited for school to start again! Partly because it gives me a much needed break from the constant fighting (My boys fight like their being paid for it) and partly because it means we are that much closer to our vacation.

Shiloh starts back at her preschool on Sept 1st. She is doing so well learning Spanish. She is also doing great learning her letters. She can already say them all in English and Spanish, but now she is learning to recognize them by sight. She has more than half of the alphabet down. We've started writing too, which is coming along wonderfully. She is so dang smart!

AJ is hating summer school but he brought this on himself!! I just hope he gets finished before school starts or he doesn't get to go back to high school! Ian is excited to start junior high. His cousin is going to the same school so it helps to bring your own friend to school.

I get to take photography and creative writing this semester at UVU! So excited!! Damon's classes are all online this semester, so it won't matter what shift he works. He still has the job starting in October to fall back on, but he is hoping to find something with better pay and insurance. Keep us in your prayers!

So many exciting and wonderful things have happened in a rather short time that I'm not sure where to begin.

Damon got a job!! He has a, for sure, job starting in Oct, but his cousin is putting in a good word for him at his work, so he may have another job starting right away!

I got a new van! It's a 2006 Toyota Sienna. It has only 44077 miles and it rides so smooth. It's silver and seats 8. It doesn't have a DVD player, but other than that it's perfect!!

40 days to go until our family vacation!! I am getting so excited. I know I have a good vehicle to get us there so I can just relax and enjoy the ride. I found out that the new show "The World of Color" will still be showing while we are there, and we get to watch Fantasmic our first day in the park! Shiloh gets to go to the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique and get her hair and makeup done before we go meet the princesses at Ariel's Grotto. It's going to be so wonderful..I can't wait!!

My sister is going to help with the rent while she is staying here so that will make it that much easier for us to cover our expenses. Oh and I've been losing weight since I started walking (it's so fun, even though I need to ice my knee more often)

All in all, it has been a really good week!!

With everything that has been going on lately, the only thing I am truly looking forward to is our vacation. There are so many reasons I could come up with why we should not go, but at this point, it is so not optional. I need this time away with my family, everything else be damned!

So, my sister and her girls moved in with us in mid June and we are actually getting along really well. I was a little concerned because our personalities can clash, but so far so good. The one that is having the hardest time getting along with everyone is my mom!

I have been walking for 30 minutes everyday to "train" for Disneyland. I will not be renting a wheelchair this time! It's kind of fun. I make everyone come with me, and we talk the whole way, so it goes really fast. I told Damon I would start doing pilates again because he wants to try it, so wish me luck!

So I get that there needs to be trials in our lives so that we can grow and progress as individuals and I totally agree that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger..but enough already!!

I am so done with all of this that I just want to crawl in a hole and not come out for a year!

So Shiloh has decided that she never wants to go back to preschool. We think it's because her cousins just got here on Friday and she thinks their going to leave while she's at school. But whatever the reason she says it's no fun and she doesn't want to go! Her teacher said she does a little better each day..but it breaks my heart to see her cry when I leave.

Damon is still looking for work. The loser at Pinnacle dragged it out for a month then said they had nothing for him. I really hate that guy!! So he is looking at employment agencies..keep praying for us!! I know it will turn around soon, but Damon is getting a bit depressed.

On to happier news..I am on a break from class so I intend to get as much done as I possibly can. I have mending to catch up on..two blankets to sew..scrap-booking to do (I haven't even done last Halloween!)and of course spring cleaning to finish!! Should be a busy month.

Our vacation is 88 days away and I am getting so anxious I can hardly stand it! Both my boys are at scout camp this week and I miss them. I hope they're having fun. Well I guess that is all of the important stuff for now.

Well I not only officially planned our vacation..I have booked it!! My mom, sister, and nieces are coming too, though not in our vehicle or room, which is probably a good idea as close quarters can breed contention.

We are driving this year so I'll let you know how that turns out. Last year we flew and took only a hour and a half to get there. It's a 9 1/2 hour drive!! I may split it up and stay a night in Vegas; haven't decided yet.

Damon has started working toward his Bachelors in Information Technology at UVU. Exciting stuff!!

If I have learned anything from my 16 years as a mother, it's motherhood isn't for sissies!!

It is the most rewarding, challenging, aggravating, awe-inspiring, smile inducing, tear producing, job you'll ever have; and the only one where it will really matter if you have given it your best effort.

A mother is a teacher, a student, a cheerleader, a taxi driver, a referee, a judge, a nurse, a counselor, and a friend.

If you have a wonderful mother, be grateful. If you are a wonderful mother, take a bow. If you are not yet a mother, be patient. To all the wonderful mothers I know..Happy Mother's Day!!

The countdown begins...
I have decided that we need to have our family vacation. I had been putting off officially planning it because my sweet husband is not yet working, but I can pay for our vacation with my financial aid from school and we so need to get away.

Our last vacation was so perfect. The boys only fought once..the whole trip..which I think is a record..and Shiloh loved meeting the princesses! I really can't find a good excuse not to go, because it's not the things we buy it's the things we do that the children will remember most.

So that's my good news for the day..139 days until we leave for Disney!! Oh more good news..Shiloh is potty training..and she is doing very well. We started yesterday by basically putting her in panties and telling her that the diapers were no more (we had to do pretty much the same thing with the pacifier, just take it away and that is that) So she has had more successes than failures and this morning she went and used the potty without any prompting at all!! I knew she could do it she just needed to want to.

Every time she goes, she does her little version of the happy dance. It is so stinking cute. I'll have to get it on video.

So life is as crazy as ever, but it's good.

Damon didn't get the job. He was in the top five, but there were only three positions open. Personally, I don't know why the guy would bother to tell him his ranking when the only important information is he didn't get the job.

So he is super discouraged and a little depressed. He feels that he should be able to just get a job, regardless of the current economy!

I didn't get to go to my nephews wedding and I was really looking forward to seeing everyone. I feel so out of touch with my siblings. I sent everyone birthday cards last year to try to reconnect, but I have even failed at that this year. Maybe I'll send out late cards to those I missed and try to get back on track.

I am still holding hope that we can have a family vacation this year (though I haven't booked anything yet) and I will stop and see my brother then. My sister is moving back out here, so that's some good news. She hasn't ever met Shiloh!

So pray for us. I'm sure there is something to be learned from all of this..I just hope we learn it quickly because I am struggling to stay optimistic.

So, I have already started to plan our family vacation for this year (even though my husband is not working and money is not only tight, it's nonexistent). I am certain that he is going to get this job he applied and interviewed for a little bit ago, and we are going to be just fine! I'll be able to cut back on my hours at work and only be gone while Shiloh is in preschool (If she EVER potty trains that is, cause she has to before she can start school)

So the plan is to go back to California (cause that was super fun last year) and go to Disney, Universal Studios, and the beach. We are planing on mid September and, even with all the uncertainty, I'm getting excited.

Have you heard that song from Matchbox 20 where he says "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell"? I think I know how he feels.

It has now been over a month since Damons "procedure" and while I can logically deduce that if we hadn't got pregnant in the last two years of trying (not even aided by fertility drugs) then we're not getting pregnant at all, it still stings.

I have almost convinced myself it's for the best and I really am so grateful for the children I have (My sweet daughter upon seeing me crying said "don't cry Mommy, your my best friend"). I just see pregnant women everywhere ( I really need to get out of Utah!!) and I still have that nagging feeling that I wasn't done yet. Just goes to show you can't always trust your intuition!

I tried to tell Damon how I was feeling and he took that to mean that he shouldn't have had his procedure. So I got upset that he wasn't getting it and he got upset that I was upset. Just because I know that I am too old to keep trying and just because we made a mutual decision to stop trying in a big way, doesn't mean I am not allowed to feel the loss!

If there are any men reading this (spoiler alert) you can't fix everything and sometimes the only thing to be done is to hold your wife and let her cry!!!

I wanted to give Damon something awesome for Valentines Day, especially since he was sending me to a spa for a facial, massage, and pedicure (which was sooo fabulous by the way..I went with my friend and we had a very relaxing day) so I thought long and hard about what I could do that would be hard to top, and I decided I'd let him fly a plane.

When I was at the airport for work I learned about into flights. During an intro flight you are up in a little two seater plane with one of the flight instructors and basically fly the plane. The pilot does the take off and landing, but you get to take the controls once you're in the air.

So that's what Damon got for Valentine's Day! He got to be a pilot for a day. He loved it and can't wait to do it again. I'm going to check into longer or more involved flights because he has a birthday coming up.

So, we can't have any more children. We started trying two years ago. Had another miscarriage a year and a half ago and since then have just not been able to get pregnant at all.

We tried fertility drugs and finally saw a specialist who said if we were willing to try IVF it would give us a 45% chance of becoming pregnant. We don't know exactly why. Could be my age, or the fact that I started my cycle pretty early in life (I could just be out of eggs!) who knows. I could have spent a lot of time and energy (and money) and we still may never have known.

I thought I would be really crushed and maybe I was a little, but really I'm just grateful. Grateful for the wonderful children I have. Grateful for my sweet daughter, who is the love of my life. Grateful for my awesome boys, who have taught me so much about love. Grateful that I get to be a mom, which has got to be the single greatest job on the planet!!

My children are a blessing. So many women never get to experience what so many other women take for granted everyday!

We had a lesson a while back in RS and the focus was supposed to be on being grateful but it ended up being a complain fest with the common theme being that happiness would come when their children had grown. I was irritated at these naive women and I felt sorry for them. When I think of all I have missed by being a working mother I just want to scream, and these women get to be there all day every day and can't wait for it to be over. How sad!

As I type this, my sweet daughter is riding her scooter around the house shouting "super girl to the rescue". My children do so many things that make me want to smile or laugh or shout or even cry, but I don't have to wait until they are grown and gone to be happy. I am happy every day and life is good!!

I didn't get the job I wanted. I knew I didn't interview well (I was sooo stressed that I froze) and I was not really even qualified for it, but I was hoping all the praying would even the odds.

I keep applying for everything I see for Damon and praying that he gets something better. I am now totally convinced that no one reads this blog, but I guess just the act of writing can be therapeutic.

I did find out that my medication is only about $30 a month even without insurance, so I guess that's good news, especially since my insurance ends in two weeks. I think I'm going to go get a physical or something just to be on the safe side. I rarely go to the Dr. when I am sick so it would just be major things (like my thyroid) anyway.

So I am going to try to get Shiloh stared in private school when she turns 3. I figure if she has to be in some sort of day care it might as well be one that teaches her something. She's so dang smart, they'd be lucky to have her. So wish me luck!