I'm not really sure where to begin...
There's no place like home.
Home is Where the Heart Is.
I have no home.
I've known it was coming, Everyone and everything leaving. But it hurts so much more than I thought it would.
In the last 4 months, I've lost my grandma, and my home. Next will come my job, as now I have to find something that pays better. They are not the first things I have lost, or that have left. That's kind of the point of life, isn't it? Everyone and everything leaves.
At least that's the case for me.
I can't tell you how terribly sad I am about losing my home. My heart is beyond broken, and no amount of effort, or work, or prayer has or will change that. I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually broken. No one cares though, and it's no use talking to anyone about it because all I am told is that this is "for the best," and "will be a great experience." You know what? Feeling safe is great, and having a home that you feel loved in is great. Now I have nothing, and it will quickly become less. Now I truly am alone and unwanted. Something I have always known, but that has been made painfully permanent.
Even my grandma left, and that hurts more than I am willing to discuss.
Every time I reach the bottom of the barrel, I am surprised to find that there is another layer of sadness below.
And everyone else is excited the house is for sale.
And I am torn apart.
I'm tired of being taken advantage of, and having my time wasted. I'm tired of people acting like they care, and then leaving. I get it. I'm gross, and ugly, and not worth people's time. I'm not good enough to be with, or stay for. I get it. Don't mock me in the process. And don't lecture me about how wrong I am when so much evidence exists to the contrary.
I'm powerless to make it stop. I'm useless in trying to fix it.
And now I will truly be alone.
Congrats, world. You win. Life f'ing sucks.
The Seldom-Sane and Always Fantastical Adventures of Me
4.11.2016
11.15.2015
Life Changes
This year has gone by way too fast!
One minute it was May, and suddenly it's November, and the world has turned sideways.
I don't want to move, but I have known for awhile that the day was looming when I would have to. I keep hoping some magical benevolent soul will swoop down and make it possible for me to stay in my home - even if everyone else vacates the premises. But alas... no such luck.
It's very stressful, very emotional, and has to some degree made it extremely difficult to function. All want to do is sit and watch TV and sleep.
Thinking about it for too long, or too hard makes me cry.
But it's happening. And I can't stop it.
I guess I should just think of this as a new beginning - an opportunity to start fresh, and try new things, go new places, and meet people that might like me for who I am.
I don't necessarily have that now. We are finishing up a show at work that has a monologue in it that I very much relate to. ...and while I have never been married (and at this point in my life I don't assume I ever will) I saw myself a lot in it. If I ever decided to audition for anything again, this is the monologue I would use. It's said by a women named Betty in the show Chapatti by Christian O'Reilly.
"I am a cat woman through and through. But I didn't always love cats. Not when I was young. I used to think they were too independent and aloof. I didn't trust them. I loved dogs. I loved their stupidity. I identified with it. I really did. That ridiculous innocence. With me, of course, it was men. I'd do anything for them. I wanted one that much. Then I got one and the price was too high. You want to be loved, don't you? You want to be desired. And he pretended to love me and pretended to desire me...
No, he did desire me. He desired me because I was a woman making myself available to him. But he didn't love me. He told me he did, but he didn't really. He told me what I wanted to hear, I suppose. It seemed better to live an illusion than to face the truth. But of course it wasn't better. Because I had become lost in it.
...
Until I discovered cats.
...
I liked the way they were themselves. That they had their own habits and their own ways , their own places to sleep. I liked the way they were fussy about their food whereas dogs will eat anything, so grateful are they to get it. Because when men call women dogs, as they do, I don't think they just mean physical appearance. And whereas they might be fond of dogs, I don't think they respect them. I didn't want to be like that anymore. And so I got a cat."
It goes on, but I'll let you read the play on your own. Needless to say, I want to be desired and loved for who I am and what I am about. I am tired of people saying they like me, but they don't like my family, my job, my religion, my choices, my schedule, my sense of humor, or my cat. If you don't like those things, then you don't like me, because those are the things that make me who I am.
It's time to move and change my life. I don't want to, but I guess I have to. And maybe a change of scenery will bring people who want to like me with it.
One minute it was May, and suddenly it's November, and the world has turned sideways.
I don't want to move, but I have known for awhile that the day was looming when I would have to. I keep hoping some magical benevolent soul will swoop down and make it possible for me to stay in my home - even if everyone else vacates the premises. But alas... no such luck.
It's very stressful, very emotional, and has to some degree made it extremely difficult to function. All want to do is sit and watch TV and sleep.
Thinking about it for too long, or too hard makes me cry.
But it's happening. And I can't stop it.
I guess I should just think of this as a new beginning - an opportunity to start fresh, and try new things, go new places, and meet people that might like me for who I am.
I don't necessarily have that now. We are finishing up a show at work that has a monologue in it that I very much relate to. ...and while I have never been married (and at this point in my life I don't assume I ever will) I saw myself a lot in it. If I ever decided to audition for anything again, this is the monologue I would use. It's said by a women named Betty in the show Chapatti by Christian O'Reilly.
"I am a cat woman through and through. But I didn't always love cats. Not when I was young. I used to think they were too independent and aloof. I didn't trust them. I loved dogs. I loved their stupidity. I identified with it. I really did. That ridiculous innocence. With me, of course, it was men. I'd do anything for them. I wanted one that much. Then I got one and the price was too high. You want to be loved, don't you? You want to be desired. And he pretended to love me and pretended to desire me...
No, he did desire me. He desired me because I was a woman making myself available to him. But he didn't love me. He told me he did, but he didn't really. He told me what I wanted to hear, I suppose. It seemed better to live an illusion than to face the truth. But of course it wasn't better. Because I had become lost in it.
...
Until I discovered cats.
...
I liked the way they were themselves. That they had their own habits and their own ways , their own places to sleep. I liked the way they were fussy about their food whereas dogs will eat anything, so grateful are they to get it. Because when men call women dogs, as they do, I don't think they just mean physical appearance. And whereas they might be fond of dogs, I don't think they respect them. I didn't want to be like that anymore. And so I got a cat."
It goes on, but I'll let you read the play on your own. Needless to say, I want to be desired and loved for who I am and what I am about. I am tired of people saying they like me, but they don't like my family, my job, my religion, my choices, my schedule, my sense of humor, or my cat. If you don't like those things, then you don't like me, because those are the things that make me who I am.
It's time to move and change my life. I don't want to, but I guess I have to. And maybe a change of scenery will bring people who want to like me with it.
3.31.2015
Hot/Crazy
My sister recently shared this video with me:
Here's what has gone through my mind since I watched it.
1. I will never be a unicorn. I'd like to be someone's unicorn, but I don't think that's possible.
2. I had a friend tell me I'm in the "fun-zone," which means I'm ugly and no one you would want to take home to meet the family.
3. I'm probably really in the "No Go Zone," since I'm not interested in just having "fun," and no one has ever been interested. Not really.
People think I'm down on myself, but honestly, I'm really not. I think I'm pretty and worth the effort. But, I have also been told that a man that is interested will make an effort, and I have never had that, which over time makes you realize, maybe your impression of yourself is... inflated.
I'd like to mean something to someone. I'd like to be the one. Meaning, no dating other people, no sleeping with other girls behind my back, or texting them... No hoping I'm into "group" things, and nothing simply "casual." I want someone to want me. I want to be with someone and have someone I can be with, without doubting their sincerity. I want a family. I want a home. I want to be a wife. I want to be a unicorn.
...and the only reason it keeps coming up, is because I'm obviously not. So, I'm mourning. I'm mourning what I wish I was, and what that might afford me in this life. I'm just not "hot" enough, and apparently too crazy to be afforded a home. No matter what I think of myself.
Here's what has gone through my mind since I watched it.
1. I will never be a unicorn. I'd like to be someone's unicorn, but I don't think that's possible.
2. I had a friend tell me I'm in the "fun-zone," which means I'm ugly and no one you would want to take home to meet the family.
3. I'm probably really in the "No Go Zone," since I'm not interested in just having "fun," and no one has ever been interested. Not really.
People think I'm down on myself, but honestly, I'm really not. I think I'm pretty and worth the effort. But, I have also been told that a man that is interested will make an effort, and I have never had that, which over time makes you realize, maybe your impression of yourself is... inflated.
I'd like to mean something to someone. I'd like to be the one. Meaning, no dating other people, no sleeping with other girls behind my back, or texting them... No hoping I'm into "group" things, and nothing simply "casual." I want someone to want me. I want to be with someone and have someone I can be with, without doubting their sincerity. I want a family. I want a home. I want to be a wife. I want to be a unicorn.
...and the only reason it keeps coming up, is because I'm obviously not. So, I'm mourning. I'm mourning what I wish I was, and what that might afford me in this life. I'm just not "hot" enough, and apparently too crazy to be afforded a home. No matter what I think of myself.
3.10.2015
Cobwebs
I don't understand men.
It seems like all of a sudden they're crawling out of the shadows to "reconnect."
At least they're individuals I want to connect with!!
It's been fun being a "text buddy" with a friend I haven't seen in several years. He's awesome and I'm really grateful I have had a chance to know him in my life! I am glad I am someone that he feels comfortable texting out of the blue.
I had one reconnect through Facebook. This one I find curious, and wonder what the reconnection is about. This one is why I don't understand men. He stopped calling me for no apparent reason... and suddenly is back! I really liked him - I even told him so - and after the trauma that happened in 2013, it was nice to find and have this person. Until he disappeared. Why is he back? What does it mean? I don't know. I wish I did. But I have missed him, and I'm glad he sought me out.
I had another connect with me through LinkdIn. This one surprised me, but I was honored he wanted to "connect." He was one of the pieces I lost in the crap with ex-bestie. He was supposed to be in my family, and I have missed him! I am grateful to know he still thinks of me - enough that he found me and made the effort to make the connection.
I think that's really what I find both interesting, and humbling. I don't think of myself as someone people remember. I'm not memorable. And so it shocks me when people think about me. I wonder what this is. I wonder what happened in my life - what event occurred - that made me think that way of myself. I wish I knew. It would be nice to have someone remember me - someone who isn't already related. It would be nice to mean something to someone daily. In the meantime, I'm so honored to be remembered by these three men.
I just wish I understood why!
It seems like all of a sudden they're crawling out of the shadows to "reconnect."
At least they're individuals I want to connect with!!
It's been fun being a "text buddy" with a friend I haven't seen in several years. He's awesome and I'm really grateful I have had a chance to know him in my life! I am glad I am someone that he feels comfortable texting out of the blue.
I had one reconnect through Facebook. This one I find curious, and wonder what the reconnection is about. This one is why I don't understand men. He stopped calling me for no apparent reason... and suddenly is back! I really liked him - I even told him so - and after the trauma that happened in 2013, it was nice to find and have this person. Until he disappeared. Why is he back? What does it mean? I don't know. I wish I did. But I have missed him, and I'm glad he sought me out.
I had another connect with me through LinkdIn. This one surprised me, but I was honored he wanted to "connect." He was one of the pieces I lost in the crap with ex-bestie. He was supposed to be in my family, and I have missed him! I am grateful to know he still thinks of me - enough that he found me and made the effort to make the connection.
I think that's really what I find both interesting, and humbling. I don't think of myself as someone people remember. I'm not memorable. And so it shocks me when people think about me. I wonder what this is. I wonder what happened in my life - what event occurred - that made me think that way of myself. I wish I knew. It would be nice to have someone remember me - someone who isn't already related. It would be nice to mean something to someone daily. In the meantime, I'm so honored to be remembered by these three men.
I just wish I understood why!
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