seriously? this is hilarious.

i know it has been all dane around here lately, so sorry. but hello! he is one! i still can't even believe it. of course we went out for our big 1 year old photoshoot. i seriously laugh so hard when i look at these pictures of him. he is such a big boy, and really needs a haircut. meres where are you?



we are really lucky to have this little man in our lives. happy birthday big man! we love you.

i love when baker and i are home at the same time with nothing to do. this happens almost never. our lives are busy. really busy. so we try to make the best of the time that we do have to spend together as a family.

when we found ourselves bored one weekend afternoon we resorted to some good old fashioned fun. behind our couch is this outrageously large dowel waiting to be hung up with some curtains in the main room. it's literally been sitting there for months. as soon as i remembered it was there i knew the perfect activity.

let's build a fort.



dane wasn't so sure at first, but it didn't take him long to warm up to the idea!


eventually emmy was on top of it, dane was over it, dad was the last man standing, and mom was left to clean up the mess. a mess well worth it.

i wish we had lazy afternoons everyday.

life with one kid was a piece of cake. life with two has been crazy. this blog can attest to that fact. the ratio of blog posts from one kid to two is pathetic. so when baker offered to take emmy with him to our church's wednesday night youth activity, i jumped for joy inside. yes! one is easy. i can get all my work done before bed time. which means i have more time to do nothing after they go to bed. halle-freakin-lujah!

i started with the laundry. dane was at my feet. i proceeded to the kitchen to start on the dishes. dane was at my feet. quietly he followed me around the house. just wanting to be near me. i turned the water off, put the bottle down and told myself it could wait. after all, when is it ever just me and him. when are we ever home just the two of us to snuggle and play? almost never.

i carried him from the kitchen to the living room and sat on the floor. we played with his favorite bath toy for a good 15 minutes while i got him in his jammies. then we grabbed some books and headed for the couch. we went through a few shandra boynton books (my absolute favorite) and just snuggled to our hearts desire. it was perfect. our last was "pajama time" and about half way through i had a moment.

he was sitting there listening and taking in every word i was reading. he was getting it. and i was realizing his entire first year of life had gone by and i've really missed out on a lot of it. i sort of feel like he has been robbed. first by being the second child. naturally a mother doesn't have the time or energy to dote after every little milestone like you do your first. we've been through the trial and error, we know what works so we just do it. looking back i feel a little like that isn't fair. i wish i would have realized earlier. i wish i would have made more time for him. i wish i would have paid more attention. but it's hard. it's hard when you have another one begging for you and your attention. it's hard finding a balance. and i just felt bad at this particular moment.

secondly, i looked at him. smiling at me. just 24 hours after he was throwing up uncontrollably and miserable. thinking about what he has been through in his first year. how many ER visits he has had, how many medications he has taken. how he no longer cries when the nebulizer mask covers his face because it's a part of his daily routine most of the time. i hate it. i hate that i can tell you the name of every antibiotic on the market, which ones he reacts to and which he doesn't. i hate that it takes two hands to count the number of ear infections he has had. i hate that we no longer have a copay because we met our out of pocket maximum the first week of the year. i hate that we still don't have all the answers.

the thing about dane though, is that he doesn't know any different. and that is my favorite thing about him. he smiles through it all. just rolls with the punches. i admire that so much in him.

dane is a special kid. with a special little spirit about him. and there is no doubt in my mind that he was always meant to be mine. i'm exhausted. i am not going to lie. and i would trade almost anything to never see the inside of a CHOC office, or be handed another order for lab work. anything. it breaks my heart every time. i can't wait for the day where they say "see you at his next annual" instead of "we'll see you for a follow up". those words will be music to my ears.

so yeah, today i had a moment. a moment where i felt pity, happiness, love, guilt, peace, frustration, and blessings. all that in one moment. it comes with the territory of being a mother, and there is not another job on this planet that i would ever want.

can you even believe it? i'm baaaack!

let's just say we have been crazy busy. work, sick kids, doctor visits, photography convention in vegas, scout camps, more doctor visits, needy children, beautiful weather, rainy weather, wagon rides, the gym, the beach, even more doctor visits, the library and disneyland have all contributed to my absence over here! hoping to get back into the swing of things here soon.. of course after our arizona trip!

to tide you over, here are just a few of my cute munchkins who are turning 1 and 3 in two weeks and months. i want to die about it.



i have been missing you guys. and truthfully i haven't been able post anything because i love seeing my cute grandma's face every time i opened our page.