What a difference an year can make!It's been 19 months sense we left America....this time last year, I was emotionally and mentally in a really, really bad place. Yes, I was kicked out of the country that I've grown to love and call my home. I was continue to be in a limbo stage (story of my life for the past 20 yrs), but in England. All of our securities, comforts and familiarities were taking away. We were in deed " striped" of everything that connects us to our life back home. I think... no, I know that I have been carrying a lot of gilt about bringing my children and Troy to such a stormy life. The truth of it though, there is nothing I could have done differently. So I know that I should not feel bad for my family. They are an amazing people and I am so blessed to have such an awesome kids and nothing short, but God's Gift to me, of a husband!
So I was walking kids to school today and saw SO MANY leafs on the ground. It was beautiful! I thought:" gush, I don't remember this path to school being so beautiful. I know I walked the same way everyday, and last year this path was....well, I don't remember what it was like."
Then there is trees....England is so green and naturally you would think that fall would be gorgeous here. I didn't see it last fall. I don't remember last fall, except that it rained and it was cold. And it is cold this fall and it indeed raining, a lot. But it is beautiful. The colors on the trees are there. Why didn't I see it?
My house. Well, it is the same as last year. Same miss matched, hand-me-down furniture. There is nothing inside the house that says, please, come in, make yourself comfy. But I no longer feel the need to explain or apologize to people why my house is this way. I am ok with it. Now, If I had a chance to make it in a way that my heart and soul knows how, I would, but I can't and I am so ok with that.
I am also ok with the fact that our fridge and cupboards are full for only one week in a month. Noodles and butter or noodles and garlic salt has become often our every day regular. As a matter of fact it is joke in our house. That's right, we have found humor in it. Finding humor in hardships was novelty to me before. We had plenty of hardships, but no laughter about it. This days, I can often laugh through it all. ( may be I've got mad ;) What even more awesome is Rylee seeing, that happiness has to do very little with comforts or even necessities.
I am ok with shopping at charity shops and I do not feel like I am any lesser of a person, because I or my children are wearing second hand clothing. As a matter of fact I have found " fun" in it. It's amazing what people get rid off.
I also OK that my hair is no longer blond...now, I have tried to go dark many times, and I never liked it. I do now. I am ok with ME.
I'm still very much isolated from everything and everyone, and am alone. But I no longer feel lonely.
I used to have this add relationship with food. Let me explain....oh, boy, here it goes.
I had to have food in my home, always! We spent A LOT on it.
I would spent my last $100 on food instead of paying electric bill. :/
If I bought something just for me or if it is on my plate, NO one , not even my children would dare to eat it. Interesting thing happen 2 years ago. You see, you may know this or you may not, but Russia (where I was born) was not recognizing me as it's citizen and nether did America (where I wanted to be a citizen) I was, what immigration calls ''stateless" I don't think there is anything like it, to experience not belonging to anywhere, and I'm sure it did a number on me, inside my head. But the day I have finally got my Russian passport (though it was a country I didn't want to go to) something subconsciously wonderful happen. I didn't care about other people eating my food! I know this sounds funny and may be not a big deal to some. But to me it was a first sign for healing.
Then being in England and experience luck of food, clothes, toys for kids, etc. I have learned to be ok with " empty" I no longer freak out because I have no clue how I am going to feed my family for the next 10 days with only $8 in my banking account. I don't feel like I am a bad mother because of it. And also, I don't feel, nor did I EVER felt, that Troy is not a good enough provider. I have one amazing man, who loves me and his kids, unconditionally. He gets up every day and despite the feelings of what his " saga" of life is, he goes and slaves dragons for us. I said this before and I will say this again, I truly feel that Troy is God's gift to me. I am for ever grateful that I have him in my life.
Last month I had an appointment with American Embassy, here in London. I was told that my visa to U.S. was dined. We knew it would be, we had to go through this step first to get us to our 2nd step.
And though, it was a negative news, somehow, I came home with a feeling of healing. I am that much closer of getting home.
Now, we have a HUGE mountain in front of us and we don't know what is going to be on the other side. There might be more mountains or there might be a beautiful field named " you can come home now"
but one thing has for sure become reality to me, that is this:
For a very long time now, I have been pondering on life of a few prophets, Job and Paul. For me, this is what I have learned:
1. The test of life is not necessary on what I am learning from it, but can I remain faithful to the Lord during my trials.
2. Though my " saga" is not over I believe ,that up to this day, I have learned, as Paul has said, to be content with empty or full.
Content doesn't mean giving up on better. Content to me means, knowing there is better, but be happy with what you have. I strife for better, I would choose better if I could, but less doesn't define me. Less doesn't in-prison's me, as it used to. It has no power, unless I give. I learn to listen to my inner voice and choose to find happy instead of feeling sorry.
3.I have learn to trust that my Father knows me and answers me through His servants, the prophets.
4. On the silly sight of it all....If the pattern of my freedom from dependence on food continues...then based on it's history maybe, once I get my US Citizenship, Troy will get his skinny wife back. ;) He, he!
P.S. I'm sure some therapist would have a hay day with me ;) But no matter, the Lord has His way of sorting things out.
Hugs, and Kisses.
