The Sorenson Scoop

It's been 2 months and 5 days since my last blog post...What??  I'm sure all 7 of you have been really worried!  ;)

I wish I could tell you I had so many important deadlines and have been busy with so many fun and exciting things but...that would be a lie.  Truth is, when is the Bachelor going to start back up already?!  For the love...that is about 99% of my source material.  However, I have learned that ABC has posted the contestants, so go take a looksy and come back here to talk about your faves and the trainwrecks.  I hope the grandma has a bio!

So what have I been doing?  Wellllll....here are some highlights

-VEGAS with my momma.  The Bellagio decorations did not disappoint, and neither did our stay there.  We also went to Jabbawockeez show, which was fantastic!!


-I celebrated several birthdays, including my husband (27), niece (4), and nephew (2)
-Baby dedication for my sweet nephew Holt
-Had a wonderful Thanksgiving with ALL of my immediate family and Great Aunt, which was a fun and sometimes chaotic time!
- Oh, and I ran a marathon on a very cold and rainy day.  I did a write up on it for my running group, let me know if you want to read it.

Yesterday, Matt and I celebrated two years of marriage.  In some ways, it seems like yesterday when we got married, and in other ways I have felt every bit of the joy and struggles that 730 days can bring.

While I still have a lot to learn, two years has taught me a lot.  Some things are recurring realizations, but others take time and maturity to evolve.  Below are some things I have learned/am learning.

1) Marriage is God's gift to us.
2) Marriage is not about my happiness or ultimate fulfillment.
3) Marriage is not about my happiness or ultimate fulfillment, it's for the glory of the Creator who created it.
4) Laughter, grace, and patience are vital to everyday life and peace in the home.
5) My husband is not perfect, but neither am I.
6) Keeping a record of wrongs is not only destructive, it doesn't solve anything.
7) Pray together. Daily.
8) Joy, happiness, contentment, love are choices we make.  They're hard to find and maintain when they're based upon circumstances.
9) Sarcasm/joking can be funny, but also hurtful.  Think twice before you use them at your spouse's expense.  Especially in public/mixed company.
10) Be honest.  Communicate.  Live life in community with other people who aren't afraid to encourage or rebuke you, and will also pray for you and be there when you need them.  So, so important.

Whether you're married, single, struggling, whatever.  I hope the above is encouraging to you in some way.  I made the choice several years ago to live life in the light and to be honest with myself and others with my struggles, joys, pains, etc and it has made all the difference.  I truly believe that marriage is one of the hardest, but one of the most rewarding journeys we can take in life.  I'm blessed to be married to my best friend, and the person that God chose for me.  He's slowly, but surely helping to sanctify me.  He also gives me the courage to live out the things listed above.

Matt, I would still walk down the aisle, say those vows, and do this tomorrow, if you asked!  Love you!

For those of you who are unfamiliar, Austin City Limits (ACL for short) is a 3-day outdoor concert experience featuring 130 bands from the big names, to those who are little known but have big time talent.

This year was my first year to go, and I thought I would share my experiences with you.

First of all, coming to this thing as a slightly preppy, more "sporty" type of person...I realized how uncool I am in this type of environment.  This is a hipsters paradise.  Your basic attire had to include: a fedora, sunglasses, some type of cool sundress, or shorts and flowy tank--think the whole fall line of Urban Outfitters and you've hit the nail on the head.

Now, there was plenty of barely clothed individuals, or those who looked like they just came from the ROT rally mixed in with the fratty Sperry wearing, SEC comb-overs, with sorority t-shirts on, but hipster is pretty much the large demographic here.

Some things to consider when purchasing tickets to this event, which are not cheap by the way ($180 for a 3-day pass...)
-Personal space is a luxury and you probably will not get at any point during this 3-day event
-Don't be surprised if you get an "herbal" aroma every 5 minutes.  This is an outdoor hippy concert and you see it happening anywhere from the age of 16 to 87...
-Having a buzz helps when you have to use a porty potty for 3 days straight.
-In light of the aforementioned, drink water!  It's hot as crap outside!!
-Pack a pancho
-Fanny packs are socially acceptable
-You've probably never heard of 80% of the bands playing, but chances are they are pretty good and/or entertaining
-Being drunk and passed out in the middle of the grass at 3 pm is probably not a good idea.  Your friends will leave you and people will be stepping on you all day.  (I'm not saying this from personal experience, but did witness first hand)
-The people watching is priceless in light of the cost output
-Sweat/waterproof sunscreen is a MUST.  It's a pain when the folds of your elbow get burned from sweat collection and the washing away of the cheap sunscreen...

So what did I like about this fest that will lead me to get tickets next year you might ask?
-It's an experience from start to finish.  A very well organized experience I must say for 130 bands and upwards of 65,000 attendees...
-People watching
-Sampling local Austin food.  Many options all in one place.
-Finding new bands/music that I like
-Finally getting to see Coldplay live
-Learning the ropes of ACL.  Glow sticks are a must.  Hats are necessary.  Flags/balloons/stuffed animals on poles are extremely helpful markers when looking for people/trying to figure out how to get back to your spot
-Living DT and experiencing the culture.  Our running friends let us stay at their condo while they were out of town, and it was so easy to hop on/off the shuttle and be home!  Now, we may not get the same luxury next year, but here's hoping!

And now for some photos of the experience...

One of the Entrances

Some Cee Lo Green Fans...

Our beautiful City.  Our condo for the weekend is the silver one in the middle!

Coldplay laser show!

Arcade Fire (the closers)



Cold War Kids fans, they were wearing unicorn headbands and tutus...

Ray LaMontagne

Alison Krauss and Union Station (I love her voice!)



Priceless. Matt and I with 1,000 of our closest friends Our condo view Frost during the day... Frost at night!







We begin with the four remaining couples: Kasey and Vienna, Kirk and Ella, Michael and Holly, Michelle and Graham sitting around after the last rose ceremony where Blake and Erica made their exit.  Holly hopes Michael is happy and can trust her now.

Harrison strolls in to congratulate them and tell them that their final challenge won't be taking place in the house, they're headed to Vegas!

Ella goes wild and dances a jig, Michelle is equally excited.

They get to the City of Lights and walk in to a  large theater with some smoke rippling out.  All of this sudden, the stage seems to come apart and a huge hundred foot wall emerges in to the air.  Holly lets out a shrill scream even though she is at least 200' away from the stage...Michelle is nervous because she doesn't know what to expect.

Chris Harrison emerges with style out of the fog in a tuxedo minus the jacket.

He tells them they must learn a cirque de soleil routine in 24 hours and perform it for judges who will pick the couple that does the best.

Panning back to the remaining couples, Ella's eyes are welling up and it looks like she is crying...Michelle and Graham are slightly worried.

They have gotta learn some crazy moves...and choreograph a 10 second piece of their own.

The actual dancers pair up with the couples to try and help them learn the routines and help guidance on the style points.

We get to Kasey and Vienna and it's already disaster central.
Kasey: let's make a heart with our bodies
Vienna:  I don't know what you're talking about.  You're not making any sense....At least Vienna realizes the stupidity

After a while it's time for the couples to practice and get comfortable scaling the wall in the harnesses.

Now Michelle's not nervous and Grimm is pissing down his leg, or so he says...

Ella: childbirth was easier than this
Kirk: you just gotta do it because it's kind of important
Poor Kirk, he's struggling with the constructive criticism

Michael and Holly try to put aside their differences to win the challenge...not working because Michael is still sulking and Holly is helpless.

All the couples are practicing late in to the night except for one: Kasey and Vienna who are sleeping, duh.

Final Challenge

Harrison glams it up with a glitter tie of a snakeskin variety...

The couples come out in their bedazzled unitards.  Chris Harrison announces who the judges will be: Trista, Jason, Ali.

Ali has some sort of unknown leg injury and gets carried in by her knight in shining armor, Roberto?  For real, it was cheesy.

Michelle and Grimm have the chemistry down apparently.  They begin with a kiss.  To say their routine was a hot mess would be an understatement.  Pretty sure your choreographed hand jive moves aren't visible to the crowd...

Ella's booty is loud and proud in her gold unitard.  Her and Kirk's routine was a disaster.  Kirk was barking orders the whole time, Ella was about three 8-counts behind...even their kiss was a bark order.
And go. And go.  And kiss.  And go...Terrible

Kasey thinks he will win because he is a survivor and a dreamer.  When will he get a clue?!
However, Vienna is calling all the shots in this routine.
Ella: "Watching Kasey and Vienna is like pro level."  Really??  When will she get a clue?

Last but not least, Holly and Michael.  They are in perfect sync.  And then Michael does some flips and stuff and at the very end they do a stunt with Holly hoisted over his head, a hushed "Woah" goes over the crowd and in my living room.  The judges were equally impressed.

In true form, Jason asks the following question of Holly and Mike:
Jason: "Woah, are you guys a couple right now?"  Really?  How can this not be scripted?

Trista says Kasey and Vienna had passion.  Not sure how they came up with that one.
Ella and Kirk-lacked direction
Michelle and Grimm-handshake was a long shot...

The judges declare Michael and Holly the winners.  Michael takes off his vest when he goes to his camera time and it looks like he had a love affair with the bedazzler...

Back to the remaining couples, Michelle picks her lips in nervousness.  She hopes to make it to the finals and win so she can donate the money for colon cancer research.

Kasey and Vienna are spared next.  Kirk and Ella are sent home.  Ella feels like a let down because she was so scared during the competition.

Ella: "This was crucial."  She couldn't get over the fear of falling and leaving Ethan with no mommy.  However, she has no problem subjecting herself to unnecessary plastic surgeries she might not wake up from...

Back at the BP, Michael and Holly come together to strategize to see what couple they want to take to the finals with them.  They decide to talk to Kasey and Vienna first.

Vienna:  "I know Kasey can be intense at times, so I told him to tone it down a notch to not make Holly uncomfortable"
In true form, that totally backfires and the second Michael and Holly sit down, he goes in for the kill.
Kasey:  I'm gonna be straight with you, we earned a spot in the final four.  You've gone out of your way to try and win the game...and that's okay, so have I.  That's why we deserve to be there."

Michael acknowledges that they've been the leaders in the game.
Vienna: "We've been doing all the dirty work, Graham and Michelle have been riding our coattails.  They've done nothing."

Michael and Holly leave heavy hearted with this to consider.

Then Vienna goes off on Kasey about his big mouth and not heeding her advise about treating Michael and Holly with kit gloves since they can be easily intimidated.

Kasey ran off to drink by himself in the street.  Is this a joke?  He's a giant child.  He's scratching the ground with rocks when Vienna comes and finds him.  She tries to defend her comments, but seems to dig an even bigger hole.
Kasey:  "You're completely negative.  You have nothing positive to say."  Then Kasey tells her to go clean up his mess with Mike and Holly...she refuses

Michael decides to take the honesty route and tells Michelle and Graham where they're heads at.  They think they can definitely win against Kasey and Vienna, but don't feel they would win if they were to go up against Michelle and Graham.  Graham says okay, whatever and after they leave...Grimm gets straight ghetto and says its messed up that he would pick money over a friend.  He gets drunk and beligerent and is yelling to the air and to Michelle how messed up the whole situation is since he's certain they're going home now.

Michelle is sporting the mom jumper and saggy mom butt, and naturally takes the nurturing route trying to calm down Grimm.

The Rose Ceremony

What is Holly wearing??  Barely anything is covered in her navy romper.  So tacky...

Kasey is ready for it.  He's played so smart and hard...please...

Holly says it comes down to selfishness vs. selflessness.  Selfishness would be to pick Kasey and Vienna since they think they would get chosen over them.  Selflessness would be to pick Graham and Michelle and risk losing.  Wow, I'm sure thats comforting to Kasey...

They choose Grimm and Michelle.  Michelle loses it and sags to the ground...
Grimm is that a sweatshirt suit jacket?  So confused...

Kasey and Vienna are outskies. Peace.  He carries her to the car in his arms.  She seems to be smiling and laughing, then loses her mind the second she hits the limo seat and sobs for about 5 minutes.  She should get a Daytime Emmy for that performance.  For real.

Michael says he and Graham are the definition of brotherhood.  How sweet.  They sooo have a bro-mance.

Kasey and Vienna vent in the limo about how it so messed up that they got sent home and they totally got played.  Well, duh.  That's what happens when you don't win any challenges.

Reunion Time

Blake looks like a total tool.  A v-neck tee, a v-neck cardigan, and suit jacket?  Really?

Harrison starts off with Ames and Jackie.  Uncomfs.  Harrison says it was the "most romantic exit ever" and wonders if they're still together.  Ames says they are not and is crying talking about Jackie.  Her heart was broken. 
Ames:  "I thought she was the one.  We spent a lot of time together, but we're two different people."  This is so awkward.
Jackie: "When I say I was so sad, that was an understatement.  I didn't get out of bed for a week"...wow keep that to yourself. 

Erica looks loads better, but she's still toting around that ridiculous gavel.

Harrison: "Gia.  Only returning contestant.  You'd think you have it figured out this time around."  Harrison-1, Gia-0
Gia: "Kasey was probably the smartest person in this game.  The power couples couldn't be broken"
Harrison:  "Actually not.  You guys had plenty of chances to get rid of them, you just didn't." Harrison-1, BP contestants-0

Justin Rego.  Why are you even here?  What is up with your hair?  Why is your shirt unbuttoned so low?

Harrison: "Jake you've been quiet.  What did you think of this season?"  And now we're treated to the dysfunctional triangle that is Jake, Kasey, and Vienna.

Jake: "I came on to mend things with Vienna.  There was an olive branch extended..."
Who are these people?  And why do they say things like "extending an olive branch"??

Harrison turns to Vienna to see what her interpretation of the situation is.
Vienna: "I want the past to be the past.  There's closure"
Harrison: "There didn't seem to be any closure.  Why weren't you nicer to him?" Harrison-1, Vienna-0.  Does she forget that this whole thing was taped for crying out loud?!

Vienna looks weird.  Is she going for Old Hollywood or something?  Hate to break it to you, but someone should tell her that you can't shine s--t (you know what).

Harrison back to Vienna: "You poisoned the pool." Harrison-2, Vienna-0

Jake in the hot seat.  Rehashing his time on the BP, yowza...
Vienna, how can you continue to be in denial about how crazy and terrible you are??

Harrison to Vienna: "What are your thoughts?"
Vienna:  "The cameras don't show everything.  We didn't fight the whole time...remember we played charades and you fell off the chair (she bends over and cracks herself up) everyone else is expressionless and quiet.  No laughs.  Crickets...seriously one of the most awkward moments of the night...

Gia:  "I've never seen people be so mean"
Harrison: "It was about 98% hostile towards Jake"
Vienna says something to the effect of Jake having a whole year to contact her and she didn't know why he waited until they were both on the show.  Jake says he tried numerous times to contact her.
Vienna:  "I never got any messages.  I would take a lie detector test."  someone please go find a lie detector test.  Talk about quality TV.

Harrison to Jake:  "You giving her the rose was the dumbest decision ever.  That was beyond game play." Harrison-1,000 Jake-0

Is Kasey about to bomb the building?  He has the fiercest look on his face right now.

Harrison asks Kasey for his thoughts on how he treated Jake.  Kasey formally apologizes to Jake. He says there are two sides to every story.  Then they hug it out...Vienna looked like her head might explode.

Kasey in the hot seat.
Harrison: "You were the kingpin, you were the puppet master."  What happened?  We take a trip down memory lane...
Ugh, the throbbing of the tattoo was even more ridiculous the second time around.

Kirk is hilarious.  Everytime one of his one-liners comes up he scratches his head and looks away...

Erica's trailer park comment made the cut.  I'm sure that's not awkward when you're two seats down from them.

Harrison: "I see emotion in your eyes, what's that about?"
Kasey: "It's a tough pill to swallow.  I'm not that person.  And Rego, I have a speech impediment so I might sound like Kermit the frog."  OMG....

Harrison: "What's your relationship like now?" Talking about him and Vienna.  Apparently they live together.  Yikes.
Kasey: "Seeing it on there, it's not a healthy relationship."  And it doesn't seem like anything has changed?
Erica chimes in: "well actually they came and stayed with me for a week and didn't fight.  I give them my blessing"
William speaks up and tells Kasey that if they were friends, he would tell him to move on and out of the unhealthy relationship.
Kasey: "Vienna is Vienna.  I don't know how to explain it."  I can think of a couple different words to explain it...

Blake on the hot seat.  Harrison calls him 'Blake the Snake.'
Blake: "I seem to be at the center of every storm cloud" again with the metaphors...
Blake is such a boy bander.  Seriously, every outfit he wears I think Brian from Backstreet Boys wore it in 1995...

Melissa, Melissa, Melissa.  Harrison brings up that drama.
Harrison: "Were you using her or was it genuine?"
Blake: "I wasn't using her.  This whole show is a weird crazy science experiment."  What??
Harrison: "You related yourself to a prostitute.  How was that misconstrued?"  Zing.  Harrison-1, Blake-a big fat 0

Harrison turns to Melissa to get her insight.
Melissa felt like he liked her because he said he didn't want any romantic connections on camera, and then he kissed her and she thought she was special and he was going out of his way to show her affection.  She's sooo desperate.

Blake: "She took classified files and shared them with the enemy."  Omg, seriously, why is he permitted to speak??
Harrison to Melissa: "Was it jealousy or strategy"
Melissa: "I did go crazy yes, but that was akin to the things blake did to me."  Yep, you are in no way responsible for your reactions...Denial.

Harrison turns the conversation to him and Holly.  Blake's madly in love with Holly.  "She has a firm grip on my heart."
Blake: "this is the most serious relationship I've ever been involved in." Hah, too bad it's not Holly's first rodeo...
Harrison: "What was it like being on the show and her ex-fiance is there, too?"
Blake:  "It was really hard.  I felt like I had to steal clandestine glances"  Is.he.for.real.?
Holly is apparently moving to SC to live with Blake...oh, and there's other big news.  Cue the video.

Blake is wearing the most absurd old man blazer.  I can't tell anything that's going on.  Are they on a picnic?  In the middle of a forest?  Is this staged??  Then he proposes.  Neil Lane ring. Of course.  Her squeaky whiney voice is so annoying...this had to have been staged.  Unbelievable...that was seriously the most nauseating video sequence I've ever seen..

The cameraman catches Jackie's reaction.  She's visibly pissed.  I'm thinking she thought she would have been the one to be proposed to...

Finally the remaining two "couples" are invited to join.  This is so awkward.  Michael doesn't know yet.

To make things more awkward, Harrison forces Holly to share the news.  She's such a coward.
Michael: "um I'm sorry this is super awkward.  Can I get a water or a maybe a Commercial break?"  A little advanced notice would have been nice.  Maybe like a letter or an email prior?"  I LOVE him..
Blake: "yeah I was going to call you..."  "I didn't want to rub it in anyone's face..."  Right...

Michelle and Grimm.  Are they dating?  Michelle's dad just died.  Grimm has been there for her the whole time. 
Graham: "I just like being there for her and I do like to kiss her from time to time"  I can't figure it out.  Are they in a relationship or not?!

The other contestants open it up for questioning the remaining couples before they vote.
Blake asks some question.  Graham straight up tells him that he doesn't care for him and he knows where his vote is going.  Zing!
Kasey: "Why do you think you deserve it?"
Michael blatantly says I'm not going to answer that, hah.  Holly and Michelle don't feel deserving at all they feel blessed to even be there.

The voting begins.  They get around to Blake's vote.  He obviously votes for Holly and Michael.  Michael gay claps and says 'love ya Blake.'  Hilarious.

Holly and Mike win the cast votes by a long shot.  Keep or Share time.  They go off to deliberate, and I could care less so I FF to the decision.

Harrison to Michael: "Can you trust holly?"
Michael: "Yeah that's a good question, weddings are expensive last I checked."  Ouch.  Michael-10,000, Holly-0

Michael makes it seem like he won't share and goes off on tangents, but in the end he chose  to share.

Now we're treated to the introduction of the new Bachelor this next season.  If only it could be Michael...Instead they go with Ashley's leftovers Ben.

He's been working out apparently.   I noticed he had some bicep action as he was out inspecting the grapes in the field with a little David Gray depressing music to accompany him.   Most Bachelor showcases feature some shirtless scenes walking on the beach or something.  Instead we get Ben eating an apple on a hilltop and a showcase of Eddie Bauer's collection for 2011, and about 20 different ways to sport loafers with shorts or pants.  Disappointment ABC.

He comes out to join Harrison and talks about how he's in a good place yada yada after his experience of being dumped on national television.  Here's hoping he shaves and stops parting his hair down the middle for this next season.  Not likely.  Maybe at least he won't try any more half-hearted attempts to straighten his hair...fingers crossed.  It's going to be a rough season...

After a brief update on the nasty forest fires in Central TX, we tune back in to the BP where Harrison is telling them they need to partner up with someone from the opposite sex for the remainder of the show.

Holly is confused, she wants to hook up with Blake. But she promised Michael...boohoo

Erica is scrambling since everyone else is partnered up.  She latches on to Blake too since he's left in the cold also.  She think it's a step up since Holly's nothing special and is annoying.  Gosh, if only there was a mirror just then...

The "couples" decide it's time to play get to know you, since most of them have only known each other for a few weeks.

Erica: "If you were an animal what would you be?"
Blake: "A flying squirrel"  For real?  I guess it's fitting since he's basically a varmant.

Grom and Michelle have some catching up to do, since he doesn't even know her favorite color.

Kasey and Vienna have been together for sooo long that they just decide to peace out and let the rookies waste their time.  This probably means they will crash and burn in the competition.

Bring on the nearlywed game.  Everyone's a bit intimidated by Michael and Holly since they have the longest history together.  Kasey and Vienna are uber confident because they've been together for soooo long (which I think is actually 6 months).  I guess thats an eternity for her.

Kasey and Vienna lose basically every question.

Harrison: If your partner could be any animal, what would they be?
Kasey: A rabbit.  For real?  Is that alluding to something?  If so, gross...
Vienna: A lion.  Ouch

Harrison:  what is the one thing your ex would miss most about you?
Vienna: my boobs
Kasey: her teeth.  Seriously?  Apparently he has an IQ of 177, which I would like to see proof of by the way, but too bad that wasn't one of the questions.

It seems like most of these questions are meant to drive Michael and Holly apart.  They ask questions about who would your partner want to hook up with in the house, etc.

Michael: "I really want to punch him in his ridiculously perfect dentist mouth."  Michael doesn't like Blake, obviously.  And apparently no one else does either...he gets voted least popular in the house

We start catching on to something when there's some interesting answers coming from the Michelle/Graham camp.  They say Michael is the worst dresser in the house.

Next question is when did your partner lose their virginity:
Grom apaprently lost his virginity at 7...yikes.  But you might recall, that his partner's "number" was 7.

Michelle and Graham obviously developed a scheme to answer questions and it's genius.  Everyone's kind of bitter about it, but jealous that they weren't as clever.

Michelle and Graham get roses.  Michelle is wearing the biggest necklace I've ever seen.  I hope she doesn't fall in the pool because she will sink straight to the bottom.

Blake and Erica come in second, and per the rules will also get a romantic date.

Blake's ready to sleep in the bed he made...just not Erica's as we'll see later.

Erica points out that Mike's anger is misdirected at Blake because Holly is the one he has history with.  She's trying to turn Stag against his partner in an effort to take the spotlight off Blake.  Fat chance.

Vienna is visibly upset that they suck at challenges.

In time for Michelle and Graham's date, low and behold, we hear the dreaded sound.  Oh wow. A helicopter.  What a novel concept.  Not.

Kasey wishes it was him and Vienna on the date to get some "stress relieved."  Gross

They land on a rooftop in downtown LA at sunset.  It was romantic, duh.

Back at the house, tension is brewing with Vienna and Kasey.

Vienna: "He ripped the ring off my finger because I wouldn't have sex with him" As she broadcasts to anyone who will listen in the kitchen.  Most everyone tries to clear out of there, others can't pull their eyes/ears away from the trainwreck (i.e. Ella)
"Don't be crazy"-Kasey.  That's like asking a rooster not to crow at sunrise.

Vienna: "I don't want to do "it" in this house."  I'm sorry, but where was that sentiment when you were flouncing around naked on camera a few weeks ago??
Kasey: "I just want you to cuddle with me."  I've heard that one before...there is no cuddling with boys.

Kasey: "It's tough.  It's not easy dating her but I love her"  'Tough' and 'not easy' is a gentle way of putting it.
Vienna:  "Let's just get this over with"

Back to Michelle and Graham.  They get a private screening of "What's Your Number" in the hot tub.  Michelle is relating way too much to this movie.

They start making out hard core while some strip HORSE is going on in the movie.  Graham says he'd love to have Michelle a part of his life for a very long time.  Isn't that sweet.  I give them 2 weeks outside the house...

Blake and Erica's date card arrives.  They're going on a "mission"  They take a limo to a restored mission hotel in LA. 

They start talking about their competitors and of course Michael and Holly, while Erica is seriously rubbing a hole in the thigh of his dress pants.

Blake: "I find it ludicrous that this impotent man has so much pull"  Where does he come up with these words?!  I think he reads Webster's for fun...

Of course Erica wears her tiara and she also packs some lingerie.  Earlier she tells Michelle she's very horny.  Soo freaking nasty.

Not two seconds later, Holly walks by in a bikini just as they're about to leave...Blake is visibly distracted.

While Erica and Blake are exploring the mission, back at the house at group dinner everyone gushes about Blake and his shadiness.

Holly likes Blake and has a tough time with everyone bashing him...Michael just looks downcast and defeated the whole time.

Erica talks to Blake about conversing with dead friends and ghosts.   Later she talks about how she consulted with her astrologer, Herb, that said she'd be down to the last 2...and that she would have a romance toward the end.  Again she furiously rubs Blake's thigh...

Blake: "Erica is many things but subtle"

For the next ten minutes, Erica tries to convince Blake to spend the night with her and hook up, and Blake tries to find any and every polite way of telling her why thats not a good idea.  Aside from the fact that she's nasty...

They're given two roses at dinner to hand out to another couple of their choice.  This might make things interesting...

Back at the house, this Mike and Holly broken record is killing me.  Holly's checked out...let's move on.

Back on the date, Erica is still trying to seduce Blake.  You would think at some point she would find her pride and stop, but no.

Meanwhile, Holly is lamenting to Ella about her Blake/Michael dilemma.  Not only am I getting tired of her whining, I'm seriously getting tired of head scarves she wears all the time...

Erica is cursing now.  She wants Blake to sleep with her, and he won't, and now she's getting all crazy.  Apparently liking and respecting your partner in Erica's mind means having sex casually.  Classy

Finally, she gives up and they go back to the house.  The next morning, they run around scheming since they have the two safety roses to hand out.

They go to Kirk and Ella first, who promise their loyalty.  Then they go to Kasey and Vienna

Kasey: "Just trust me and procure our safety and I give you my word" Yeah right.  But since Blake also likes to use words like "ludicrous" and Kasey says "procure" this is a match made in heaven.  Actually, Kasey promises that Michelle and Graham will vote however they vote so they can "ensure" his safety.

Who they don't seem to talk to is Holly and Michael...

They give the roses to Kasey and Vienna.  Uh oh.  Ella is shattered.  She talks about having so much to lose if she goes home.  I'm sorry, but do you have stock in this show?  I'm pretty sure you can't say you "lost" $250,000 when you it wasn't yours to begin with.

Kasey and Vienna are both equally disgusting.

Kasey: "We have the power to help them if we want to, the question is, do we still want to?" Typical.

Ella is feeling the pressure of being a single mom and money is on the line.

Harrison arrives to announce that the Couples will not only vote together, but they also will stay together or leave together.

Ella has a big ole glass of wine for the rose ceremony.

Vienna has the ugliest outfit/shoes on.  That white skirt looks like it's from the JC Penney juniors department, as do the shoes...

Blake and Holly are cuddling outside on the couch, making out.  Michael sees and sulks off to vent to Graham and Michelle.

Mike convinces them that Blake and Erica are expendable and Blake can't be trusted.  Graham says he will stick to the pact he made with Michael in the beginning and will have his back.  In true form, they stand up to Vienna and Kasey and say they're going to vote them out.  Kasey concedes without putting up a fight.

Blake and Erica made a botched deal. They're out...

Mike leaves their decision up to Holly.  She's the deciding vote.

Ella is still comforting Holly even though Holly may very well vote her off...

Blake and Erica get eliminated.  Holly's heart hurt.  She hands him a handwritten note that he reads in the limo.  Basically her heart is broken right now and this isn't the end for them.  These people fall in and out of love like they're changing sweaters...I'm going to bet they're not together at the finale taping next week.

In other news, the finale is next week.  Since there's 4 couples left and there's a reunion.  I'm guessing it's going to be 4 hours long...yippee.

We begin where we left off...
Kasey gets the final rose and he immediately walks over and gives Vienna a big fat kiss.

Jake gives his final diatribe.  He gives the speech that the remaining players need to be smart and get rid of the power couples. Kasey and Vienna need to go home.

Kasey throws the deuces as Jake walks to the limo.  He tell us he is the strongest "strategist" and likes to tell people to 'kick rocks, dude', and 'I want to punch him in the face', every 5 seconds.  Do us all a favor and punch yourself in the face.

Jake has a lazy left eye.  I don't know if he's drunk or just barely sane as he leaves the house. 

Michelle is sqwuaking like a chicken now that Jake is gone...

Vienna tells everyone thank you, since she knows most of them did it for her.  Everyone she just thanked rolls their eyes at her and Kasey since they're acting so smug.

The next morning, Harrison stops by in his bright lavender button down to let every know the day's competition.  The Second Annual Kissing Contest...any giddy feelings Kasey and Vienna might have experienced have since evaporated and an awkward aura takes over the room.

In the meantime, Vienna takes inventory of those that are left and who's in her alliance.  She lets us know who the expendables are: Melissa, Blake, William, and Erica.

Michelle is trying to take the high road by not participating.  I'm pretty sure the high road would have been to not come on this show, but whatever.  Participate already.  You're not the best role model whether or not you do this competition...

Blake's excited to kiss Holly.  Surprise.
Blake: "There's going to be a tonselectomy today, the doctor is in."  First of all, gross.  Second of all, you're a huge douche.  I don't know why people on this show think you're intelligent because you're a dentist.  It is continually amazing to me how you butcher the English language.

Of course Holly is first.  William gives her a peck out of respect for Michael, and so do several others.
Holly: "All the guys kissed like grandmas today, except number 5..." (obviously Blake)

The stirring macaroni is.killing.me.
"I have skills in my repertoire that I think is a little intimidating to the other guys"- Blake, why are you still talking??

"Number 5 really got in to it, that was a baby making kiss"-Ella

Will and every one else is giving Vienna the shaft. 

Ella is very confident in her kissing.  She has some sure fire techniques that involved nibbling and basically sucking the bottom lip right off some of the contestants...

Erica thinks she's got this in the bag because of her lip injections...no words.  It was a hot mess.

Kasey has bad breath, apparently.  Not to mention his lips are like pencil thin...no thanks.

Michael and Holly go at it.  Everyone's pulling for those two-until it's time for Blake. Ew.  I mean that was like 5 min long, Holly...

Ella won for the ladies.  Blake wins for the dudes.

They each get a romantic one-on-one with the person of their choice and a rose is up for grabs on their respective dates.

Ella decides to take Kirk on her date.  They hop in to a Ferrari, she drives...I think she might like to wear the pants in relationships.

Will has regrets, he wishes he could go back and be a man-whore because he wants to be in a Ferrari right now...

Melissa is freaking out that Blake won because now she thinks they'll be going on a romantic date together.  They're sitting on the couch.  Her roots show up nicely in the bang braid Michelles perfectly assembled on her head.  She's going on and on about what they might do on their date, how great this is, etc, etc.  We're all waiting for the bomb to drop.

Blake hasn't decided who's he taking on his date...he hints this to Melissa.  She freaks out.  He's dumb and dug his own grave.  Blake wants to take Holly, obvy!

Ella and Kirk's date.  AKA the most boring people to watch on a date.Ever.  Kirk brings up the mold and what the money's going to do to help him with his bills and reimbursing his parents.  Ella wants to buy a house and start a foundation for battered women.  Ella's mom was shot in head right in front of her and her sister when she was 3.  That ranks up there as one of the worst things I've ever heard.  Way to have spark up the romance.

Pizza and wine.  Classy.

Erica wants to de-stress Blake by giving him a sensual massage.  She's weird.  What the heck is she wearing?  She's hoping he'll take her on the date and consider dropping Melissa and taking her on as a partner.  She's rubbing him so awkwardly...she tells him she would do anything he wanted if he takes her.  What a ho-bag...

Back to Ella and Kirk.  She's wearing a very boobylicious shirt for a mom...They go on a hot air balloon ride.  They totally dorked it up for these two.

Blake's date card.  Melissa is uber confident and I'm not sure why.  You could literally cut the tension with a knife.  Blake tells everyone he's thinking outside the box, shaking things up, and hoping to win.  So he asks Holly on the date...And this will ensure his death next week when he doesn't have the rose.

Melissa says that's f**ked up.  And runs out crying...

Michelle: "Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves.  Melissa wears hers on every article of clothing she's wearing.  Including her hair tie, her underwear..."  Oh, Michelle.

Melissa: "Someone needs to stick up for me..."  Since when are you defenseless??
Melissa: "He's made me so many promises, he pinky swore!!"  No joke.  She said that.  I guess pinky swearing is like signing your name in blood in her book.  She says it twice.  And since when do people in their 30s pinky swear to each other??

Melissa runs around trying to rally people to her cause.  Of course she hits up Michael.  She's hoping he's just as crazy and will turn on Holly.
Michael: "Holly is a girl I was engaged to..."
Melissa: "Holly doesn't give a f$ck about you."  Seriously Melissa, where is your Prozac?  You've missed some doses.

Melissa: "I'm ready to rally all the people to confront him together.  He's a dictator.  How do you ruin a dictator?  Take out his resources"  She confronts Holly who plays the naive card.

She is on a rampage.  I wish she would fall off the planet.  That poor yogurt can't catch a break either...

She finally tracks Blake down and he's midway through his nighttime brushing routine.  Ever the conscientious dentist, he tells her he has about another 40 seconds to go...she stands and waits.  We don't get to see what they talk about...

Blake and Holly match for their date together.  Isn't that special.  In true Bachelor fashion, they take a limo to the airport and catch a private jet to the mountains.  Holly is pretty much the worst skier ever, but she's having the best date ever.

Blake: "I think our chemistry is impeccable."  Like seriously, who says that?  That's right, no one because it makes no sense! 

They're over the sking and start tackling each other in the snow.  I was hoping for a Dumb and Dumber moment, but it never came.  We just get to see them laughing for the next 10 minutes...

Holly: "The sad thing about this date is that I haven't thought about michael at all."  Yikes.  Meanwhile, Michael is sulking, hoping she's thinking about him.  Ruh roh

Later, they arrive at a fireside picnic in the snow.  Blake wants to know what is going on between Michael and Holly, since he's clearly going in for the kill.  She doesn't really give him an answer, basically beats around the bush.  I guess somewhere in Blake's dense skull this means a green light?

He asks her if she wants to spend the night there and they decide to spend the night together?!

Blake in yet another atrocious one-liner of the century brings up the kissing contest to segway in to kissing her...he's so slimy and gross and she's eight shades of orange.  I'm sick of these two...

Michael takes these 24 hours to do nothing but sit by the fire shirtless and fall back in love with Holly.  He can't wait to see her and tell her his epiphanies while she was gone.  When she gets back, he tells her she's irreplaceable and he didn't sleep at all because he was missing her.  And he tells her he's fallen back in love with her...

Holly: "You said you didn't want to be back together..." Uh oh
Michael- "Did anything happen?"
Holly-"Well, we kissed once."  Yeah, I guess an hour makeout session and shacking totally counts as one kiss.

Mike freaks out.  Holly's a heartless bia.  She spills to Vienna about her confusion.  Seriously.Over.It.  Stop crying and get your s-word together.

Cocktail Party.  Harrison looks ravishing in his suit and pencil tie. 1 guy and 1 girl will leave tonight.

Everyone's running around trying to figure out how everyone else is voting.  In the beginning it appears Kirk and Ella are pulling for Kasey and Vienna to go.  I mean, it's about time.  They don't win any competitions and therefore have no power...

Kasey-"I just want to remind you, the money is necessary for my grandmother to live."  For real??  You've got to be kidding me...Seriously hope grandma doesn't drop dead when you lose.

Will's not a nag.  He's not going to pressure cook anyone for votes. 

Michael prepares a 'date' for him and Holly.  Holly is naturally cautious because she is wondering if it's the environment or if he really does want to be with her.  Okay maybe she's not sooo heartless but for real figure it out and stop leading people on...

It's becoming increasingly obvious Melissa is the target this week for the girls.  Because she is a freaking nut job.

Graham: "I don't even talk to her and I feel like she drains the life out of me.  I would walk out of here if I was left to have Melissa as my partner." Me too!

Melissa: "A verbal agreement does not ensure my safety".  Nope, so she basically decides to go around and ask everyone how they're voting and who they voted for if they voted.  William is the first to drop the news that he in fact voted for her.

She doesn't seem to understand why she's the target.  Naturally, it's all Blake's fault.
Melissa: "Why did you do this to me??"

Kasey: "I felt like I had to lie to her because I felt like she was going to cut my nuts off."  You're right, Kasey, she might have.  Although I'm not entirely confident that they've even dropped yet.  You still have Kermit voice.

Seriously this girl is bat shit crazzzy...

Commercial Break.  DWTS cast revealed.  I hope have Chaz Bono on means we'll have a Cher performance.  Ron Artest, put your shirt back on, we're not impressed.  Is it bad I'm hoping Nancy Grace breaks a hip the first week?!  Rob Kardashian, you have no fame on your own...How do you even get on this show??  Kristin Cavallari, when your fiance dumps you I guess the next thing to do is go on a reality show.  Hope Solo is real pretty, and gargantuan.  I can't figure out David Arquette.  I can't wait for Carson and his crazy costumes.  Ricki Lake is still famous?  JR Martinez, I have no idea who you are but you got the sympathy vote.  Chynna Phillips, Elisabetta Canalis?  Yeah, I don't know who you are either...

Rose Ceremony

What the heck is Michelle wearing?!  She looks like a hobo

Will gets sent home and so does Melissa.  No surprises there.

Michelle says William's the salt of the earth and is rather devastated he's leaving.  Am I missing something?

The girls give Melissa their roses.  Blake feels responsible, but happy she's gone.

Melissa can't form words, she's just sobbing.  I hope there's a therapist in the limo.  She just turned her back to the camera...I hope all sharp objects are out of reach.

Next week we're treated to some more Erica Erotica with Blake..  And I'm sooooo grossed out.

We open with Kirk talking power couples and strategy.

Meanwhile Melissa is still freaking out and throwing things in the kitchen. She's a "loose cannon".  I.E. please remove any sharp objects while Blake is around.  He comes in to try and talk to her "like adults" and he continues to make no sense when he's talking.  I think he speaks in metaphors as conversation.

Blake realizes that he's in trouble, but fortunately everyone still hates Jake more...
"Jake is the saving grace, he's higher on the chopping block"-Blake

Melissa tries to rally whoever will listen to the trash Blake train.  She approaches Holly and Vienna and proceeds to draw Holly in to the mess.

Melissa: "He's been flirting with you all night."
Holly: "I flirt with all the guys it's my nature."  I'm sorry, but how can that be someone's nature??  You have choices as to who you flirt with...

Blake's lets us know he's covered in water and Melissa is a live wire looking for someone to zap.

Next morning.  Kasey and Vienna are laying on top of each other being disgusting
Blake looks surprisingly much better without spiky hair and boy band clothes.

Jake feels he can really excel in this next challenge because he's been blessed with 3 strengths: mental durability, physical strength and problem solving.  Okay Macgyver, here's hoping...

They find out they will be competing against each other in a synchronized swimming contest.

Vienna was on the swim team of course she's going to be awesome. Not.

I love everything Michael Stagliano says.  I mean, who doesn't love synchronized swimming?!

Kasey needs to learn what sunscreen is.  That froggy is burrrned.

Jake feels like he has this in the bag because he learned timing and other skills from Dancing With the Stars.  Thanks for reminding us you were on that show because I tried to block it from my memory.  Poor Chelsea Hightower is cringing somewhere remembering that train wreck.  I hope she at least got a bonus and some therapy.

Their swimsuits are terrible...

Dave and Natalie are guest judges.  Yippee.  Further proving that nobody has any income outside of something to do with this television show.

The girls were terrible.  Synchronized is a key word in this.  It was a hot mess.  Erika looked completely disoriented the whole time.  Her medications probably advise her to not make any spinning/upside down motions, especially in that triangle top, Lord help us if one of the girls falls out.

Nat was digging the jazz hands Holly was bringing out.

Holly and Michelle kiss?  Why?  These people are so weird.

Vienna is 100% confident she's going to win this challenge.  Which of course means she doesn't and she cries.

Blake is so annoying.  Michael was owning it, making it his own.  The judges seemed to appreciate that.

Erika must have a crush on Jake.  She kept making references about him and his extra large package.  Gross.

Mike wins again for he guys.  Michelle wins the razzle dazzle for the girls.  Vienna feels cheated.  I'm not sure why.  If she didn't suck she might have won.

Michelle fills us in that she's crazy about Graham and can't wait to take him on a date.

Coming down from the challenge, Jake starts campaigning since he needs things to change drastically if he doesn't want to be sent home since he didn't win a safety rose.

He decides to start with Erika.  They're laying on a bed together and she scoots closer.  Erika is seriously so gross.  I'm seriously so grossed out by her and Jake.  She needs to quit it with the foot grazing of his junk area and the camera guy needs to get a clue that we don't appreciate close ups of her junk either...

Jake thinks Kasey and Vienna are losing steam in the house and he thinks he can rally people to get them out this week.

They're all in the kitchen and Jake and Vienna congratulate each other on their performances in the challenge.  It's really awkward and there's some giggling.  Kasey is obviously peeved.  He takes the opportunity to put her on blast in front of everyone making everyone else uncomfortable.  They fight like children.  Nice "Jenius" shirt, Kase.

Kasey: "She's more of a fame whore than he is."  In regard to Vienna.  They end up in the laundry room where they can fight some more about Jake without everyone else hearing.  At this point, Kasey is just as crazy as she is.  I find him just as manipulative and weird as Jake.

Michelle gets her date card and invites Graham, Blake and Kasey.  Why do all the girls ask Kasey and Blake on their dates?!  They're so obnoxious.  Blake says he's going to try and secure himself the rose tonight.

They go sip some wine on a mountain top. Michelle asks Blake for a private convo.  Michelle is the informant, and lets him know he needs to make amends with Melissa because it will be bad news for him if he doesn't.  Blake's got to make some sweet love to Melissa to make things right...I guess it's good that he doesn't mind "whoring" himself for this show.

Back at the house, Michael's date card arrives.  Holly doesn't want him to ask her because she just wants to be friends and pull back from their confused drama triangle...he ends up asking Holly (duh), Ella, and Vienna.

Michelle has a crush on Graham, but she's not sure if he's in to her or not.  Sounds like a flash back to Bachelorettes of seasons past.  Somewhere DeAnna is sympathizing.

Graham already has the rose? But then doesnt have the rose?  Nice editing...she pulls him in for a solid makeout.  Then goes and gets him the rose, although we already have seen him with it.  I don't like the way she says his name.  She thinks he's one?!  Who are these people and why do they fall in "love" every 15 minutes.  She thinks he's one of the best guys she's ever known, but she barely knows him as he said earlier...

Michael is looking for a good time on his date.  Holly can't read Mike. She's drained with the Michael drama.  This should be a great date for all parties involved...

They end up at a ranch where they will be horse-back riding.

Ella loves horses and is excited.  Vienna doesn't want to wear a helmut. She's grossed out by the smell, sweating, pollution.  Ella wants to smack her in the face, as would everyone in America right now.  I can't handle her constant complaining.

Back at the house, Blake's going to try and make amends with Melissa. And he's going to pretend to be in to her again.  Business as usual to get things done.

Ella and Vienna are hanging out, gossiping about Holly and Michael and what went down.

Holly calls Michael out on being super friendly lately. Does he miss her?  I thought she didnt want to talk feelings?!  "I feel like you are my home"-Holly.  This girl is expert at digging for compliments.  If you don't want to lead a guy on and starts things up again, why do you continue to have these conversations?!  Ugh.

He tells her she looks beautiful every time he sees her...yada yada.  They have a roller coaster relationship, which is why she thinks they shouldn't be together.  News flash!

Back at the house Kasey is on a balcony deep in thought.  He apparently has inner struggles.  But he's an adaptor and a leader to his "followers".  He is such a douche bag.  And I'm not sure why he's rallying the dudes...the girls vote.

Erika wants Kasey gone so Jake will be safe. And she obviously wants to get busy wih him.  Jake wants some assurance she has his back.  He's willing to do whatever it takes.  Awkward silence. Then awkward making out. Erika says she keeps her lips in good "shape" by getting lip injections every 6 months.  Apparently this makes her the best kisser ever.  I seriously just vommed.

Back to Michael's date and Holly playing some serious head games...she gets the rose.

Bret Michaels tour bus shows up.  Shoot me in the face.

Mikey gets down and dances a jiggity jig in excitement.  Bret tells Holly she's beautiful.  He wants to get to the bottom of their situation.  Of course he serenades them with 'Every Rose Has it's Thorn'. I'm so cheesed out right now.  Like almost dying of embarrassment.

Holly's life flashes before her eyes, and it was the most beautiful thing that could have happened to her. But they must figure out the thorns...this seriously came out of her mouth.

Jake and Vienna's 6 monthiversary rolls around.  He has a present for her to show his commitment to her and their team.  My love for you is infinity.-Kasey.  O.M.G.  If I thought I was cheesed out before...oh boy.

Kasey has a curious ring box with a present for Vienna in it.
"I don't want that to be an engagement ring"-Vienna.  Ouch.
Kasey: "Why would you say that?  It's not am engagement ring.  It a promise ring."
She laughs at him.
"Why would you say that?  I'm trying to do something nice for you..." Kasey trails off about her being ungrateful yada yada.  I'm pretty sure he said something about protecting her, etc.

They're so gross.  And now he's singing to her in his froggy-milk throat voice.  He is such a douche...I seriously can't handle his impromptu singing sessions.

Erika can't trust Melissa because she's in the hot tub with Jake .  She decides she needs to sabotage her to get rid of her so she blabs to Vienna about Melissa and Jake having a serious conversation in the hot tub and going against the alliance.

Erika is army crawling and spying.  Melissa is off the deep end again.  Emotion before logic...Melissa is causing drama, Erika is finding it amusing.
Erika: "Melissa is in a constant state of crazy."  Although she's still disgusting, she has kind of endeared herself to me with her ridiculous comments and spying techniques.

Hurricane Melissa is in full force.  She wants to align herself with Jake because he will listen to her and comfort her.  Read: He is the only willing to listen to the crazy because he has something to gain.

Chris Harrison pops in to let them know how it's going to go down for eliminations.  Ladies are safe.  Only one guy is leaving Bachelor Pad.  Hmmm wonder who that's going to be?!

What does Erika keep holding up in the air?  She thinks her and Jake will be the new power couple if Kasey gets voted off?  Yeah right...you and your crystal gavel need to get a clue.  She does realize though that they need Melissa to get on the Jake train to keep him safe.  She makes up with Melissa temporarily and uses Melissa's naivety to her advantage with her reverse psychology tactics.

William drops the bomb and lets it slip to Kasey that people are campaigning to get him sent home.  (I had kind of forgotten Will was even on this show before that moment...) Kasey goes on a torrent to confront everyone responsible.  Vienna goes Mean Girls style and also to tries to tear down Erika and Melissa for being traitors.

Kasey and Jake have an aside that is not productive whatsoever.  Jake just keeps saying he doesn't know where the numbers lie, blah blah blah.

Erika: "People are letting trailer trash and a tattoed guy run their lives and it's pathetic"  Hilarious.  Zing!

In a dramatic rose ceremony, OHCH tells us that this might have been the closest vote in BP history.  Kasey's name gets called and it immediately cuts out.  I guess we'll see Jake's dramatic exit next week...

We begin this episode with Kasey running his mouth about how he's going to mentally punch Jake, since he can't physically or he'll be kicked off the show.   But he will beat down his defenses.  Remember last episode when he described himself as a good person?  Yeah, me too.

Jake feels like he's turning the tables on his reputation and people are actually noticing he's not the terrible person he's been made out to be.  Jake's hoping to win the rose again to ensure safety.

What is Our Host Chris wearing??  Is he getting wardrobe tips from Wes Hayden?

The Challenge.  Target on your back.  Means all the contestants have giant targets painted on their backs and based on the answer to Our Host's question, you throw a paint-filled egg at the person you associate with the answer.  You get points for hitting your target.  Girls vs Boys.

Vienna is excited because she used to play softball and thinks she'll dominate...and she sucks at throwing.

Poor Mikey.  Getting hit for being unattractive.  Jackie's got a cannon for an arm.

How do you know who's who when all you see is their back?  They should have painted their names on or something...

Jake's taking shots to the head for the person they want to go home next.  And he's butt hurt over it.  He's finally realized that nobody in fact likes him.

Chris really knows how to pour salt in the wound.  "That was a miss, but it was clearly aimed for Jake for wanting him to go home next."

It's a tie between Melissa and Jackie.  Everyone knows who is throwing eggs now.  Melissa won and Graham now knows she thinks he's the dumbest in the house.  Ooops.

Kasey tells us he used to be a baseball player in high school.  That automatically means he can't throw either.

Everyone wants Erika to go home...

Who are you least attracted to? Erika, Erika, Erika.  Poor Erika is getting ripped on by the other contestants.

Erika is a canvas out there.

Mikey heads out and throws an 80 mph pitch, right at Erika's back.  Ouch.  He wins the challenge.

Erika starts to cry and feel sorry for herself since she was obviously singled out in multiple categories.  "I'm naturally curvaceous, like nothing on me is fake.  Now Ella, who is bigger than me, can feel like she's better than me.  And she's not"

Michael gets his date card and chooses chooses Erika, Michelle, and Holly.

They get a haunted house date?  Apparently ABC was going low-budget with this one and drops them off at an insane asylum with a map and night vision glasses.  What a creepy date...

Michael: "It was awful.  And by awful I mean totally awesome."  At least he can turn lemons in to lemonade.

Mike and Erika happen upon some random dudes medical records and think it's a good idea to go ahead and try and channel him.  Are they performing a seance?  This is really ridiculous...

Michelle doesn't think she really stands a chance to get the rose, so she uses her one on one time to get the scoop on Michael and Holly and the break up.  And if there's still something there.

Michael says they were engaged for about 6 months, then she broke it off.  Then wanted to get back together, then he broke up with her because he couldn't see himself proposing again.

Mike gives the rose to Holly.  They need time to talk.  Or cry...

He starts crying when he is opening up to her about how he's feeling.  He wants her to be happy.  Then she starts crying, she doesn't know why he broke up with her.  (Pride.)  He didn't know why she broke up with him.  Blah, blah, blah.  Then the whiskey starts talking and Mike blurts out: "I still love the f@#$ out of you, Holly."  Intense.  I'm not sure what to do with that.

Holly: "Don't you feel like we've always been best friends?"
Michael; "No, I felt like I wanted to marry you and love you forever, not like a best friend."
Yikes, I can see how this went downhill fast...

Somehow in all of this nonsense he finds himself back in love with Holly, and to hell with the money.  Uh oh...

Kirk: "Ames and Jackie are like Romeo and Juliet."  That kind of makes me want to vomit.

What the heck is Ella wearing? Camou pants and a black air brush tee?  Aren't you like 40 and a mom?

Blake wants to go on the date with Melissa.  He wants no part of her and is not attracted to her but sees her as an avenue to the money.

Melissa wants a trade off with Kasey.  She gives him the rose tonight and he'll save her later?  Not...

Melissa chooses Kirk, Kasey, and Blake for her date.  She feels like she's the Bachelorette...the guys are all shirtless.  Sounds about right.  Hope she enjoys this moment because I think hell would have to freeze over before she would ever get chosen to be the Bachelorette.  More like, The Stalker.

Jakes moping.  Vienna is conspiring against him.  He's desperate and is going to try and ask her for help. 

Vienna: "He did things that are unforgiveable."  He wouldn't eat food she cooked y'all...
He calls her "V" and asks to speak with her privately.
V: "I'm not comfortable with you speaking to me without Kasey with me."  What an idiot.

"Because she's uncomfortable she wants everyone to be uncomfortable." -Gia

Jakes going to be a gentleman and let her sink herself.  Smart move.  Shouldn't take long.

Blake does not like Kasey.  Not one bit.  And he's on to his tricks.
"The fact that he tells everyone the same thing, devalues his credibility"-Blake

Blake decides he's best served by sealing an alliance with Michelle.  Which he tries to do by getting in her pants.

Blake: "I remember you saying earlier you can tell everything about a person by the way they kiss. Well, I want to give you something to think about me."
Cue stirring macaroni, awkward hip hop music.  I just threw up in my mouth...

Blake is straight business and whoring himself out.  Whatever it takes to get closer to the money.

Blake gets extended the rose.

Kasey gets pissed that Michelle was shady and didn't hold up her end of their bargain.  Blake is smug that he got chosen over Kasey.

Graham and Gia have an aside.  She wants to break up the power couples.  Graham thinks she might be an asset, he tells her she may not be going home as quickly as she thinks and will give her venn diagram some consideration.  Which basically means he's going to go blab to Kasey everything she just said.

Holly is confused. Mike wants to get back together but Blake is new and exciting.  And now they're cuddling.

Melissa: "I know that Blake does like me. He said our relationship was so serendipitous.  We have so much in common."  Is she for real?  Who uses serendipitous??

She's running around the house like a lost puppy looking for Blake while he's shacked up with Holly...home girl got played.

Blake: "She's (Holly) like on this island of serenity and I just want to get a row boat and join her on that island, but I can't because every time I get in the row boat, it gets capsized by a typhoon of Melissa"  Is he for real?  Does he just speak in metaphors for a living??

Melissa is such a creeper.  I mean for real.

Her and Blake have a showdown about why she's so crazy. 
Blake: "Why can't we have a conversation without you getting emotional?"
Michelle: "I'm not getting emotional, I'm annoyed." 
Blake: "That's an emotion."  Newsflash.

Michelle: "I just had to spend a lot of time defending myself after that one episode and I came on this show to show that I'm a fun awesome person because I think that I am..."  Pretty sure if you have to try and convince yourself and any one else who will listen that you are both 'fun' and 'awesome', you are not in fact fun or awesome.

Blake: "This kind of behavior out of a 32 year old women is appalling." Amen.  "People warned me she was unstable"  Well duh...not sure how you missed that.

Now that everyone's back in the house, Jake decides to yet again try and plead his case with Vienna, this time with Kasey around.
Jake: "This is me with my hat in my hand"  What does that even mean?
Kasey: "Why do you think you deserve to be here?"
Jake: "Cuz I would donate all the money to charity."
Vienna: "Jake I know you're in debt, that's bs"
Kasey: "That's such a bogus answer.  Who says they're going to donate money to charity, I mean c'mon!"

Kirk: "Jake and Vienna enjoy humiliating Jake.  And then they start making out.  It's a weird crazy roller coaster with those two."

Vienna is proud of her bf for being just as trashy as she is, which is totally manly in her eyes.

Kasey let's us know that it's guard and protect time by making the heart beat on his wrist tattoo.  This kid is a joke.   Get your throat fixed.  Officially sicked out.

Chris Harrison shows up to see how everything's going in the house and how they're all getting along.

Will spills the beans and says Jake and Vienna are making things awkward.

Vienna opens her fat mouth and says it's not appropriate to be on this show with an ex fiancé.
Stag and Holly look at each other like, we're making it work.  Which Harrison quickly brings to her attention.

Vienna:  "Well you guys already forced us to televise our breakup and I dont think it's appropriate for you to force us to be on the show together again."
Harrison- "Wait a minute, who's forcing you to be here?" ZING
Vienna-"No one.  I just didn't know he would be here."
Harr-"That door's open and that door's open.  No one's forcing you to be here..."

Chris Harrison-1, Vienna Sausage-0

If I might just interject here...there are many things I would describe as inappropriate.  I.E. slutty clothing at church, heavy PDA, dirty jokes in mixed company, etc, etc.  Coming on a television show by choice that just so happens to feature your ex, which you also voluntarily went on TV to meet, is nowhere on my list of inappropriate things.

But Seriously, Jake's smug expressions right then, were revolting

Harrison-"If you're unhappy, I'll call the cab driver."  Harrison-2, Vienna Sausage-0

Right then, Harrison drops a bomb.  No men will be eliminated from tonight's episode.  Everyone will be voting on 2 girls to be sent home.  This is such a ploy to keep the drama heavy and Jake from being prematurely booted.

Vienna starts hyperventilating.

Jake-"I'll go until I die and I'm as strong as an ox."  Oh, Lord.

Vienna wants to stage a protest to say it's cheating.  Seriously, what planet is she from?  She says the dumbest things.

"Every single person in this house is on my side."-Vienna, Doubtful since Jake is still in the house, hehe.

Michelle tells Jake that although he's safe tonight, he should go ahead and go home.  If it's not this week it's next week.  Yowza, who spit in her wine glass?

Kasey pulls the rug out from Gia saying Graham told him everything about her master plan to get him and Vienna eliminated.  Gia starts freaking out because she thought she and Graham were friends and wants to confront him.  Kasey tries to stop her, but she is an unstoppable force right now.  Which is kind of ironic since I don't think she eats anything.  Ever.

Graham lies and tries to cover his a$$...

Gia has a broken hawt.  She decides to pack her bags because she can't be around such deceptive people.  She hates sneakiness and scheming.  She's also a hypocrite, because that's exactly what she's been doing since she walked in the house.  I think she's just pissed because she's gets outwitted every 5 seconds.

Holly has on the shortest tutu dress I've ever seen...

Gia: "You're not going to get the satisfaction of voting me out.  Kasey was supposed to guard and protect me."  Is this a joke?  No words...

Apparently all the girls are voting for Ella.  Why does everyone kiss the photo as they drop it in the box??

Kirk and Ella are forming a bond over needing the money.  Kirk has mold bills to pay, Ella has a child.  He joins the smear Jackie campaign.  I mean for real, who's going to say they don't need the money??

Ames doesn't want to lose his makeout buddy so he tries to strike a deal with the Kasey and Vienna.  That lasts for all of 5 minutes.

Kasey and vienna change their minds based on a talk with Mike about losing Kirk if Ella gets sent home.  They need to keep their "alliance" strong.  They both lie straight to Jackie's face saying they'll keep her safe.

Melissa has gone bat sh*t crazy over Blake and Holly flirting, and an apparent boob graze that 5 people told her about.

Blake has dug his own grave aligning himself with a psycho.

Melissa: "When will it be my turn to have a Kasey and Vienna or Ames and Jackie?!"  Probably never.  And why couldn't she name drop any normal, stable relationships out there??

Jackie gets sent home.  Ames is crushed.  He was falling for Jackie and is upset they're being split up.  Ames is wearing his pink pants again...it's really hard for me to take him seriously in those pants.  And with his constant coma expressions.

He gives the most awkward wave ever to the contestants and runs after her limo and leaves with her.

Ames: "This is the happiest limo ride in Bachelor history."  Probably so.  Although, the Diaries of the Departed can be quite entertaining.

This whole Mask thing is dumb...I'm not amused ABC.

Until next time...

Dear Readers,
This.is.painful.  I would like you all to know and appreciate the fact that I'm only watching this for your entertainment.  It really is brutal.  Especially when ABC stretches it out to 3 hours worth of material.  Heaven help me.  The only thing noteworthy about this season is going to be Michael's one-liners and boyish charm, and any scene where Graham is shirtless.

Hour 2 of 3.  Since I missed 1?  Yes, you read that correctly.  I did not have the Pad set up to record so I missed hour uno of tres.  I'm told I didn't miss much, other than Vienna crying every 5 seconds and Kasey saying he was going to protect her an obnoxious amount of times...

I begin with Jake wanting to make amends with Vienna and fearing for his life because Kasey wants to fight him.  Oh Lord.  Pavelka must have taken some acting lessons because he is so dramatic.

Gia is being her typically annoying, with little (if anything) to contribute, self.

Jake and Kasey have an aside.  Jake wants to let him know that he supports Kasey and Vienna and he can see that they make each other happy.  Jake just wants them to be happy y'all.

Kasey follows that up with telling America he's a really good person, which is obvious by his taste in women.

Jake: "You take her side and that's the kind of guy she needs."

Harrison shows up to the party to let them know that tomorrow is their first challenge and they will need to choose a partner of the opposite sex.

Michelle is desperate for a partner.  Her wheels are spinning as she's strategizing.  She picks Ames?  How does that scream strategy??

Blake is willing to try it out with Melissa because she's so in to him.

Kirk made a drunken decision to partner with Erika.  Bahaha and Ew.

Ames is on the mend from Ashley with Jackie?  They were all cuddled up on the bed outside talking about taking picnics and other stupid stuff they want to do together when they get back to NY.

Next morning.  Challenge Day.  They walk outside to see an apparatus over some queen sized beds with pillows.  Lots of thoughts are crossing their minds...

"It's a sex challenge" -Michael S. 
"I mean I hate being the one who says it but come on there's beds and pillows..."-Michael

What is Harrison wearing?? Old man cardigan and suede jacket that's baby poop colored?  It can't be that cold outside.  Everyone else is wearing swimsuits...

The name of the game: Let's hook up.  Because they like to keep it classy on the pad.

"Kasey and I are literally in the best shapes of our lives right now."  "We've been working our butts off."-Vienna.  I didn't know more than one shape was possible.

"The strongest part of my body is my laigs."-Vienna.  Yes, that's spelled wrong on purpose, because that's how she talks.

Jake doesn't want Vienna and kasey to win.  It.will.not.happen.

"What if someone gets an erection?" William the putz would say that.

We see that the guys are strapped in to harnesses around the waist and hanging in the air.  The girls are to hold on to them, in mid-air, for as long as possible.  Last one hanging wins.

Harrison: "Jake is sleeping through this."  Giggles.  Holly follows that up with something derogatory about how she can see what Vienna was talking about now.

Gia and Will are so annoying.  She whines and whines because William can't hold her up. 
"I'm so tiny but he couldn't hold on to me."-Gia
"I didn't 'win' but I 'won' if you know what I mean."  Will referring to having Gia as a partner.  I think it's now clear that Will has not been past second base, based on that comment.

Holly lets go: "I would rather be drinking."  Classy.  P.S. Her brown hair is really ugly.

Of course it comes down to Jake and Jackie and Vienna and Kasey as the final 2 couples battling it out.

Jake goes on and on about how he must beat Kasey and Vienna and how he is imagining that he's holding Jackie over a 3,000 foot cliff and letting her go would mean her death.  Someone get this guy a soap opera acting gig. 

Vienna and Kasey are having issues.  His legs are turning purple.  She's slipping.  Finally she lets go and is totally pissed because Kasey didn't "protect" her.  I'm thinking that would have entailed having something amputated, and girl you're just not worth it.

Of course Jake wins immunity, because it wouldn't be a show without him and Vienna.

Vienna and Kasey are fighting like high schoolers in the hot tub.

"My heads not in the game because you're not here for me.  Stop being mean to me"-Vienna.  Everything about her is disgusting.  Kasey needs to protect himself if you know what I mean...who knows where she's been.

Ames is a little bummed because Jackie now has a romantic date with Jake.  Jake and romance in the same sentence is ludicrous.

Harrison lets them know they will have a 3rd rose to give out to someone of their choice.  Everyone makes a huge deal about how critical it is.

Meanwhile, Kasey the mastermind has formed his final four crew.  Him, Vienna, Michelle, and Graham.  Seems completely random to me.  Are they trying to be like Big Brother here?!

Justin is the swinger vote.  Kasey thinks he's totally unpredictable, but decides to cling to the motto of keeping friends close and enemies closer.

Justin reluctantly joins their alliance, but doesn't see what's in it for him.  So he goes to the outsiders to try and stir the pot.  He makes the mistake of telling Alli that Graham is going  to "work on her" to get her to join their alliance.

Alli, in her drunken stupor, storms off because she doesn't want to be worked over by Graham. Except for that small detail that Alli is a lush and has a crush on Graham.  The minute she starts talking to him she gets all doey-eyed and decides to rat out Justin instead.  The waters quickly muddy and Justin's plan backfires.  Big surprise.

Back to boring-ville with Jake and Jackie.  They're out on the town in Hollywood.  All this sudden there's this poor dreadful girl who was "starstruck" by Pavelka and is crying.

"Jake's definitely a celebrity"-Jackie.  Oh, please...He sicks me out

Jake and Jackie see that their names are on the billboard at the Hollywood theatre and they are in awe for a few moments.  Jackie geeks out, Pavelka graces us with this one: "It's one of those, how did I get here moments"-Jake
"Well you go on the bachelor twice and you're still single"-Matt :) I love him.

Jackie starts probing about the Jake and Vienna drama.
"Vienna was a really controversial character, but i fell hard for her.  When it was airing we started having issues.  She sold the breakup story for money."-Jake.

Back at the house, Vienna's giving Michelle an earful about Jake's fake and famewhoring ways.  Jake may be a famewhore, but you're just a wh*re.

Back to Jake and Jackie: He can't get over the fact that they're over.  Jake needs to have a final conversation with her for closure...I'm thinking he's realized nobody gives a rats about him outside of the Vienna drama.  He would totally get back together with her just to get his name/face on People again.

Jake wants to give the rose to Vienna as a peace offering??  I think we're past that point after your televised assault on her.

Why are Jackie/Jake cuddling?  This is weird...

"Jackies lettin me take the lead with the rose, and it's making it difficult for me because I have such a big decision to make."-Jake

Jake decides it's a good idea to walk around and tell everyone about his brilliant plan.

Gia-"Are you that dumb?  It's not smart and it's not strategic"  That's the first intelligent thing she's said.

Who's pink sneakers are those in the background??  Heinous

Then they start throwing around all these cliche phrases about how this is not a good idea.  "You're playing chess without the queen right now."-Gia...I don't even know what to say about that.

In a surprising twist (sike) Jake gives Vienna the rose.

Wah wah wah Gia didn't get the rose.  She's hawtbroken and wonders why he didn't protect her.  Seriously, these girls need to snap out of it and grow a pair.

Jake uses this opportunity to pull Vienna and Kasey aside for his chance at redemption.  He apologizes for all the dick moves he pulled.  Vienna and Kasey say nothing the whole time.

After, Vienna says it was torture listening to him apologize and she's disgusted by him.  She thinks he's a phony monster.  No lie.  She said that.

Vienna to Kasey: "You are my everything.  I love you.  I want to marry you and have your babies." I seriously just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Jake thinks his apology worked perfectly and he sees a friendship forming between the 3 of them.  Yikes.

Vienna gets naked in bed with Kasey.  I'm hoping he's guarding and protecting his family jewels because she is straight up nasty.

Later, Gia is trying to plead her case with Kasey by pretending she has power and getting him to not vote her out.  Vienna pops up to see what they could possibly be discussing.  I was hoping there would be a cat fight, but no such luck.

"I don't know if she's trying to mind plow me"-Kasey.  Did these people graduate from high school??

The spin moves go to edge Alli out to keep Gia in.

Vienna is a manipulative bia.

"This game is horrible"-Michael.  Thank you Michael.

I'll spare you the next 45 minutes where they all stand around and circles and talk about who should be voted out.  Props to Blake for a valient effort in trying to get Kasey eliminated.  On to the rose ceremony.

What the heck is Erika wearing?? And why is she Magda??  Seriously...what is this girl smoking??

Jake and Jackie will be handing out roses as Harrison calls out names.

Seriously what is up with Erika's voice?

Jake to Ella, "we've done this before haven't we?"  What a douche

Justin leaves like the absolute spare that he is. He refuses to shake anyone's hand or hug it out.  He steals Pavelka's rose and says " 'm leaving here with a rose one way or another."  Good riddance.

Michael: "That did not go well."  I heart him.

Alli was shocked and sad to leave.

The mask crashed the bachelor pad??

Looks like this season is going to be a lot about the meaningless hook ups and money grubbing.