The Crow's Song

... and he's married to someone else?

No, I haven't been caught up in an affair with a married man.  Not yet, anyway.

But its a possibility.

A very good friend of mine now lives, very happily, with the man she left her abusive husband for.  Anyone who sees them together knows they truly belong together, you can almost feel it emanating from them.  She is the originator of the title.  Her line to her now ex was exactly that - "What do you do when you meet your soul mate, but you're already married to someone else?"

She had mitigating circumstances - her ex was abusive, a drug addict, and an alcoholic ... and the father of her child.  Getting out of an abusive relationship was the right thing for her and her child (and, as it turned out, her ex - it was the reality check he needed, somewhat).  But at the end of the day, she still fell in love with someone while she was married.

I have a few other friends who have met their soul mates while they were still married, and have made the choice to leave their marriages to be with their true loves.  It hasn't been easy for them, but they all say it was the right choice.  They all tell me, however, to be very, very careful.

So yes, W is stuck in a loveless marriage.  He and his wife are basically room mates, sharing a house, and yes, sharing the raising of children.  They haven't shared a bed, or even a bedroom, in a number of years.  They don't share their lives, or their passions; their dreams, desires, or feelings.

He shares his hopes, his dreams, his feelings, his frustrations; his laughs and his tears, with me.  And things are dancing on a very thin edge right now.  Even though we call it a friendship, I know he lies to his wife about where he is when he is with me.  A number of times I have had to stop myself before I lean over and kiss him; because it just feels so much like the right thing to do.  I know he feels the same.

He says he stays for the children.

I was raised in a house where my parents didn`t like each other.  Mom stayed because she was afraid of what people would think.  Dad stayed because he didn`t want to leave us alone with mom, and I think because he was scared to be alone.

They both said they stayed because of my brother and I.

By the time I was 14, I had turned this, in my brain, into it was my fault they were miserable.  They didn`t want to be together; they stayed for us; therefor it was my fault they were unhappy.

It also taught me to stay in a relationship that was unhappy.  I stayed way longer than I should have.  I stayed with a man who was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive - because that`s what I had, subconsciously, learned - you stay.  Just like my brother has stayed in a marriage that makes him miserable.

I want to tell W this.  I want him to really think about what he is teaching his children.  If his son or daughter were in a relationship like his, what would he want them to do?  Because what he is teaching them, is to stay.  Even if they are unhappy.

I want to tell him that his children are not stupid, that they see what is going on, and it hurts them.

But I am torn.  I want to tell him; but I don't want to do it for selfish reasons.  I don't want him to leave his wife for me.  I don't want to sound like I am asking him to.

But its killing me to see him like this, and to wonder what if.  I want him to be happy.  I don't want his daughter to feel the things I felt, to learn the things I learned.

I'm testing a settings change, but as a token, here's a pic I found that I liked:

I lost my "dog tags".

I have (had) a dog tag, (American Style) that I got a bit before the Wolf's last deployment.  It was inscribed in script with a line from an Archie Fisher song: "There is no forever, or never again" (the song is called "Ontario Dust").  Tags are in the upper left corner of the photo; its not great, but its the only one I could find.

I am house sitting this week.  I went to my own place on Sunday and threw some clothes, and some jewelry, including the tags, into a bag for Remembrance Day service Monday.  The bag dumped in the passenger seat of my car on the trip between houses, and when I emptied it out at my temporary accommodation, the tags were not there.  I searched my car, the bag, my own house, and where I am staying - no tags.

The thought wandered across my brain, as unsolicited thoughts do, to wonder if the universe is trying to tell me it's time to really let go of the past, and let myself move on.  To not carry around the old baggage.

I had a werewolf dream again in the wee hours of this morning.

This time the werewolf was lurking inside when I unlocked the door to my house.  I was expecting my boyfriend (in the dream - no their isn't one) to be hiding in the house in the dark to teach me a lesson about security and being prepared; instead a werewolf in 1/2 human 1/2 wolf form lept from the shadows and started gnawing on my left rib cage ... where my wolf paw tattoo is ... and where my heart is.  I froze, and remember trying to scream, but not being able to.

Then, of course, I woke up.

I lay there, trying to regain control of my breathing, in that strange mental state of clarity you get before infected with the goings on of the world, and recalled that the dream dictionary says that dreaming of werewolves often indicates that someone in your life isn't who they appear to be.

Then, with shocking clarity, the thought shot across my brain:

What if the someone is me?