Justin has fought depression for years and at times the fight has been very tough. Looking back, I didn't even realize at the time what it was because he hid it, or himself, from me. Denying anything was wrong. The silent suffering and the denial caused a lot of pain, both for him and for me. Thankfully we are at a place in our life together where he is learning to recognize when the dark fogs of an episode threaten to envelope him and will let me know so he doesn't have to silently suffer and I am not shut out, not understanding why.

   Justin is an extremely private person. Most people don't shout from the roof tops that they struggle with a form of mental illness. It's taboo. Frankly though, I am tired of it.

   On Monday, Justin came to me and told me that the actor Robin Williams had committed suicide after struggling with severe depression. He said it scared him to the core. He said that it's terrifying to think that the potential for that kind of sadness and despondency can be creeping around the periphery of one's mind. That it doesn't matter if you are talented, wealthy, well-known or well-loved. Depression takes no prisoners.

   Within minutes of learning the sad news he said he felt the anxiety and weight of being one who lives with depression begin to creep in. He sought solace in a talk given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland entitled "Like a Broken Vessel" that he has referred to again and again in recent months when he has found himself in need of hope, peace and perspective.

   I watched it tonight to try to put myself in his shoes and gain some perspective on these current events. As I did, I felt my love for my husband swell. We all walk around every day with our quiet struggles. I know at the beginning of the year when everything in my life was colliding in one, big heap of crap, I felt it. I got a taste of it. Of the cruel, tight squeeze it puts on your mind and the shadow it casts over your whole view. I came through mine, but some people struggle with those feelings their whole lives. It's a sobering and humbling realization.

                 

Happiness is having your husband go into work late, just so you can lay in bed, spooned and smiling, to welcome a new day.

Happiness is realizing being blessed is really being given times in your life that require you to summon faith and courage.

Happiness is a day on your calendar with nothing but blank space.

Happiness is having clean floors and baseboards.

Happiness is getting lost and taking the long way with a dear friend along for the ride.

Happiness is treating the kids to the dollar theater and sharing a big bucket of popcorn.

Happiness is closing the computer, turning off the phone and dog-piling on the couch with the little lives that fill your heart.

Happiness is sunshine streaming through windows.

Happiness is family art projects.

Happiness is eating chocolate pudding with cool whip on it, like a schoolkid, without a care in the world.

Happiness is sitting on the deck steps as the sunlight fades and booty shaking in the living room.

Happiness is texts that say you are loved and missed.

Happiness is dusting off your imagination and losing yourself in a daydream.

Happiness is today.

   When it comes to love languages and all that, mine is not being showered with gifts and expensive dinners out. In fact I kind of resent the commercialism that is shoved down people's throats when it comes to holidays and all these built up expectations people get. I just want face time or kind gestures. So last night Valentine's Day was perfect for me. Justin made the girls and I a delicious chicken pasta dinner. It had grilled asparagus, zucchini and a cream sauce...I had three bowls, so apparently it was delicious! ;) We ate as a family and then we sent the girls upstairs to have a "Girl Party" and watch a movie while chowing on popcorn and Twizzlers. Justin and I settled in on the couch and he rubbed my back. (So much better than putting on heels and braving the crowds!)

   I wasn't that excited about Justin's movie choice, "Trouble With The Curve" thinking it was going to be some boring, sports movie though. I was really wrong. In fact, I loved it. Probably because I felt like I could relate to aspects of the movie, like I was watching our life in some ways. It details a father-daughter relationship with a longtime baseball scout. Being married to a basketball scout, or "Recruiting Analyst" as they now call themselves, I kept looking at Justin and joking about how weird it was to see our life on screen. There was a scene where the scout is sitting in a diner booth alone going over game notes, when he overhears a mom with her small children sitting at the counter seats. One child says "Mom, I miss Daddy." I looked at Justin and it was like each of us was getting a glimpse at what the other person's life is like when we aren't together.

   Even Justin was laughing at how he thought his personality is a bit like Clint Eastwood's character. No nonsense, cursing, workaholic, perfectionist, not into feelings talks, etc... But by the end of the movie you see the softer, more loveable side of Eastwood and it made me smile. Because that's what I see in Justin. He puts up his walls for some people, but I know better. He doesn't necessarily care if you love him or hate him. But he cares that I love him and I love that.

   I was thinking as we sat there on the couch, nestled up under our blanket, about how far we've come and where we have been in our relationship over the years. Valentine's morning 15 years ago was when we announced our engagement to our families. It has been a wild ride since then and a lot has transpired. But I love where we are at in our love for each other and I love the possibilities of where we can be headed together.

   I love that Justin supports me in the things that are important to me, even if they aren't to him. I love that he puts up with my quirks and -ism's and sees the humor in it rather than judging me for it. I love that he appreciates me and makes sure he lets me know. I love that while he hates noise, chaos and interruptions, which is essentially life with kids, he loves his kids and cares if he is a good daddy to them. While it would be nice if he didn't work quite so much, I love and appreciate that he is a hard worker. There are a lot of things I love about him and a lot of things being married to him has taught me about myself. I am glad we are in it together and thankful to have him by my side in this journey of life.

Chattanooga, TN - August 2013

   I woke up this morning when the house was still quiet. Quiet in this house is a rare thing. I actually had time to assess how I was feeling before the demands of the day pulled me out of bed. I laid there for a minute, bothered that I was aware of the lump in my right breast. It was sore, like a bruise. Sometimes it burns. Other times it's fine.

   In late September I had it checked out. Mammograms, ultasounds and then a biopsy. It was benign. Hallelujah. But I hate that it is still there, nagging my subconscious. I am sure it is fine and it is just one of "those things", a harmless annoyance.

   But in the back of my head there is that little voice that wonders if it's tied to me feeling so badly lately. It's not like I am bed ridden or anything. But I just feel "off" and I wish I knew why. I wish I had answers. I wish I could feel better.

   Then part of me wonders if it's my brain making me feel this way? If I pulled myself up by my boot straps and mentally pushed through I would be fine, right? But then part of my wonders if I am so worn down because I have been doing that for so long? Not confronting and addressing how I feel?

   I have patiently been waiting for a week for the results of my blood tests, so I could hopefully have some answers. Hoping everything will be fine and fearing at the same time that there will be nothing conclusively wrong, because then there is no reason for the way I feel. I am sure it is simple as an iron deficiency or something simple to fix. But the waiting, the wondering, the quietly worrying...I'm ready to move past that.

   I decided rather than lay there and start a new day already feeling moody and perplexed, I would get up and venture outside, going solo. The quiet, the stillness, the fresh air and beauty of the morning cleared my head. I asked God to help this veil of depression to lift, to help me be myself again.

   I didn't have any impression that He heard me in that moment. But as I walked and looked up at the snow-dusted canopy of His creations I knew that He is aware of all the things made by His hand. Including me...and I felt some measure of peace in that.

   I deactivated my Facebook account at the beginning of January.

   It's not that I am against it or anything. I just couldn't figure out what real purpose it served for me? I had stayed on so that I could keep in touch with gym people, church people, family, etc... But mostly it was just a barrage of needless information from people I would otherwise have very little interaction with. Nothing against them. I just don't know why I need to be abreast on every detail of their lives. I decided that gym people I could see at the gym and those I were close to could text me if they needed me. I got emails about all the church stuff, so really Facebook was just a needless double-dip. I decided family I could still follow on Instagram and could of course email, text, or call.

   Over time I had grown really used to checking something when I got on my computer though. Now I log on and can literally be done in minutes. Really all I check is email and my bank account. It feels weird closing the lid of my laptop after just a couple of minutes. I am just now realizing how much time I spent needlessly filling my mind with information I didn't even need.

   Old habits die hard though and tonight I logged onto Pinterest, just to have something to mindlessly look at. But I found that after a few minutes I got annoyed and logged off. It made me wonder if I am just becoming more and more anti-social? Am I turning into a jaded stick in the mud?

   The thing is, I don't really care what twenty pancake recipes someone pinned that they will probably never try. I am going to use my go-to family recipe for the rest of my life because I love how it makes me feel tied to generations of family that went before me.

   I don't care about the slew of fantasy pictures of a friend of a friend's dream living room. My reality is, my kids destroy everything. Four, young kids aren't exactly a good mix for white sofas and $250 throw pillows. So I am not even dreaming of anything nice until they leave home.

   I REALLY don't care about adorable, little Valentine crafts (or any other holiday for that matter). Truthfully, crafts annoy the hell out of me. I am happy to just cover the essentials like grocery shopping and making it to the bottom of a laundry basket. I will get next years Valentines this year, the day after Valentine's when they go on clearance.

   I would be blissfully content if I never saw one of the fifty million posts about how many squats and crunches you need to do to get the perfect body ever again. I am not a self-motivator and wouldn't do a routine on my own at home anyways. That's why I go to the gym, where someone else just tells me what to do.

   I don't care about someone else's constant obsession with what is fashionable right now. Truthfully, if I am not in scrubs, I am in jeans. I don't have money or time or places to go in which to worry about if I am at the height of fashion. I try not to look like Tonya Harding in '94 or anything, but the truth is, that kind of hyper-focus on the exterior is not in alignment with my reality.

   Am I sounding like a lot of fun yet? I swear, I am...and practical to a fault!