Loss. If I had to pick one word to sum up the last six months of my life I would pick "loss." I've lost one of my best friends/sister, my grandfather, I'm losing my grandma, and now even my car is considered a "loss". The compilation of it all has made me feel just plain lost. It's such a funny word. We use it on almost a daily basis. We use it for things that are simple and easily replaced. "I lost my pen, can I borrow yours?" We use it to express frustration, "have you LOST your mind?!?!!" And yet we use the same word to politely say that someone we hold dear has died. We use it in the same instance to express sympathy "I'm so sorry for your loss." Some things you lose and then find--like my keys I lose on almost a daily basis. Some things you only lose once--like my car that was totaled last Friday. And yet there are some things it seems that you never finish "losing"....like my sister. It's almost as if I lose pieces at a time--or there are just moments where I lose all of her all over again. It's funny how simple, unrelated things, like losing my car, can make me feel I have lost her again.
So Friday I was on my way to pick up little Isa to hang out for a bit where her parents went to dinner. While traveling north on 700 east, a driver got confused by his red arrow and flipped a U turn right in front of me resulting in a collision. I hit my head quite hard and was nauseous, but other wise intact. The driver of the other vehicle seemed to be okay, but the passenger needed an ambulance. Luckily, people who witnessed the accident pulled over and were already on the phone with the police. The police arrived shortly, got statements and my car was towed to the state impound. The officer gave me a ride home and Mark and Rhonda came to pick me up and took me to the E.R. at St. Marks to have my head examined. (The paramedics left before they could examine me at the scene--and my parents were in St. George.) My mom in the mean time had called Rachael (my older sister) to see if she would pick me up from the hospital. With Rachael scheduled to pick me up, Rhonda left--making sure I had her cell phone should I need her to come back.
The E.R. was not crowded so I was quickly taken to a room. Not like the many other times I have gone there with Heather and you wait 4 hours for a room. The doctor was quick to decide to get me a C.T. scan just to make sure everything was okay. As I sat and waited for the results I couldn't help but think of Heather. My experiences in E.R.'s have primarily been related to her. On top of that, I couldn't help but imagine that if she were still here, she would have been sitting right next to me. Probably somewhat freaking out for me :-). The whole experience just seemed to highlight her absence so much that I couldn't stop the tears from sliding down my cheeks. Finally, I was just so tired I feel in and out of sleep. Rhonda called at one point and I realized I had been waiting almost 1 1/2 hours for what was going to be 20 min. I checked in at the front desk and the radiologist hadn't been notified that the scan was completed so he hadn't read it yet. Shortly there after the doctor came in and said things looked good, but I did have a concussion. Mark and Rhonda offered that I could stay at their house for the night, but realizing that if I was okay to drive, I should be okay to stay at my house, I declined. (Though later reading over the discharge papers they do say to stay with someone for at least 24 hours afterwords. oops.) Once discharged, I found Rachael in the parking lot and she took me to my parents house so I could pick up my moms car to use while they were in St. George.
The doctor had told me earlier that with concussions, they ideally like someone to wake you up every 2 hours for 24 hours after the accident. I normally sleep through the night, but that night I dreamt of disjointed shopping trips with Heather and woke up about every 1 1/2-2 hours despite my exhaustion. (Hey, nothing would keep her away if she were here--I don't think it's too far fetched to think it might still be that way....)
The last few days have been spent primarily trying to figure out what to do with my car--which as of a few hours ago if officially "totaled" which brings me back to "loss." They try to "recover" this "loss" by some means. I don't think anything that you ever really loose though can ever really be recovered. I have thought so much about how to handle "loss" the last little while and feel all of my losses have left me with only one choice. That is to be grateful I had soo much to lose.