The kids and I are back from a six-day vacation to see my parents, two of my brothers, my Awesome sister-in-law (not that the others aren't great, but this one is as close as I've ever been to having a sister), and my twin nephews (about a year older than our kiddos). It was awesome. Three years old turned out to be a great age for this kind of a trip-- it was SO much easier to handle them by myself than it was when they were younger, and they're at a good, engaging age such that the other adults around seemed to enjoy their company. The first few days of naptimes and bedtimes were an unmitigated disaster, though. Definitely something to work on before my next solo venture.
That:
Summer has arrived! I love the longer days (even if the kids are still confused about why they have to go to bed before it gets dark) and warmer weather. I also love dressing them in shorts and short-sleeve shirts. It reminds me how little they still are. Somehow under the bulky clothes of winter they look like Big Kids to me, but when I see their skinny little arms and legs, I get all mushy because they really are still Little Kids. They're growing up awfully fast, though. I'm taking pictures like a madwoman, trying to hold on to every minute.
The Other:
The Other is the elephant in the room, the 500-pound gorilla sitting on my chest: the possibility of a third child. I want another child. Desperately, one might say. At various times, Sylvia does, too. But her desire to have another child is offset by her fear (of financial stress, of parenting stress, of her age), and so we wait. We are working through some parenting differences with our (new, but so far relatively helpful) couples counselor, and after a rough week decided to table the conversation about having a third child for now.
But that doesn't make the ache go away.
A few weeks back I posted this on a local message board:
How do you tell your biological clock to hush for a bit? Our TTC plans are on hold as we work through some parenting issues in couples counseling and figure out the financial aspects of having a third kid, and as much as I know I need to be fine with that all, some days I just want to yell "I'm dyin' here!!" I am finding it extremely hard to backburner my desire for another kid. And the fact that the kids are already three and that I'll be 36 in June isn't helping.
Today I came across some videos of the kids from when they were two, and I just broke down and bawled. The tears were for how precious they were (and are), but also for my deep sadness at the possibility that I might not have an opportunity to parent another child through those tender years again.
Some days I genuinely don't know if I could come out the other side of all this discussion and be okay if the answer to the question of another kid is no. I can see being very hurt and even bitter for a long time, and I know that wouldn't be healthy for me or my marriage.
So there we have it. Nothing to do but keep on keepin' on.I definitely wouldn't ever push Sylvia to be okay with trying for another kid, but in the back of my mind I can't help but think that if everyone waited for circumstances to be Perfect (with a capital P!), very few people would ever have kids! Having a kid takes a leap of faith, and while obviously you should plan and save and try to make sure everything is in order, ultimately you can't plan for every possibility.
