So.... It's been over 3 years years since writing anything here. A lot has happened in that time: I got married, my parents got divorced after 39 years of marriage, my eldest daughter completed middle school, my baby brother got married and they had a baby, and my middle brother died.
Time is a strange thing. It passes so quickly in some cases and during that same time frame, seems to drag on forever. By far the most amazing thing to happen during that time was marrying my
best friend. He is completely wonderful and I am so blessed to know him
and call him mine. He loves my girls as his own and I love his girls
like mine. I look back at my kids three years ago and they were both in elementary and just starting to blossom into the young women they are now. I blinked and Liv is starting high school this year and JD is starting 8th grade. Seems like just a few years ago that I was starting my freshman year, but that was 20 years ago. CRAZY.
Three months ago, my brother died. He had an enlarged heart and he was an addict -- each of those being deadly on their own, but together they're a really terrible combination. They ruled it as an accidental overdose because his drug use caused his heart to give out. I can't tell you how much I hate that. I hate that it happened and I hate that that is what people will remember when they think of him. He was sooooo much more. He started struggling with addiction staring just after high school/early college years (so for about 15 years). His wife had the same struggles and together they went through a lot. He constantly fought to be better and do better, and went through long periods where he was totally sober. Through all of that, he still did amazing things and he was courageous.
He had a way of connecting with people. He built these amazing bonds
that were unique to each person and he was kind and caring. He was a tremendous musician. He played music for people and loved to create. He and my baby brother played in their band together for over 20 years all over the country. My family started the youth choir at church and he played guitar and later took over as director when I graduated -- for 14 years. And he played music in mass with me -- for St. John Bosco school, for weddings, funerals, quinceañeras, and birthdays. He was also brilliant. He fixed computers, built web sights, loved photography, loved to cook. When my daughter was born, I knew he was the one to be her godfather. The problem is, my siblings and I (there are 5 of us) are super close. We like to hang out with eachother. When we each got married, it was like we acquired a new sibling, rather than lost one. So when you do everything together, and one is missing, you feel that loss tremendously. He was special. I miss him. I really miss him.
It's going on four months since his death. In the beginning, it was painful but it didn't seem real. I was worried about my mom and my siblings, and I was worried about my girls. Part of me still kept thinking that he would call or show up at my house like he had a thousand times before. My nephew was born two days after his death. It seems so wrong to me that he will never know what a tremendous uncle he would have had. My girls will have to tell him about the uncle he'll never know. The more time that goes by, the more I miss him. This summer we're taking the girls camping. As I prepare for this
trip, I'm excited, but I can't help but think of all the camping trips I
went on throughout my life that included my brother. Seems like everything we do is tinted with a bit of sorrow. The world is moving on,
and time is rushing by, and it feels wrong. It feels off kilter
because of piece of me is missing. We have a whole lifetime of
experiences that won't be shared with him and that sucks BIG TIME.