My dear sweet brother.......
No one prepares you. No one CAN warn you. There is no heads up for tragedy. It was Thursday May 31st. It was 9:45pm. I was driving home from the gym. I got a call, a weird scary call. My mom was on the other end. She preceded to tell me that they just got a call that my 34 year old brother Ian had collapsed on the baseball field while he was coaching his son's (my nephew) game. My mom then said..... a dad whose son is on the team is a firefighter had he is giving him CPR...... BUT Ian is not responding.
My skipped a few breaths. I immediately rushed home and got on my computer to try and help get my dad a ticket to get to Seattle ASAP. We couldn't find any flights leaving until 6:30am the next morning. We searched and searched. I then prepared myself to drive the 3 hours to go up there to help with whatever I needed. I never in my absolute wildest dreams imagined what was to come.
About 15 min later my mom called back..... the paramedics made it and Ian was STILL not responding. "what does THAt mean?" I asked. Sometimes things happen and we immediately think the WORST. Not this case, I just thought he'd be rushed in some BIG surgery. I mean, WHO collapses at their own sons baseball game and doesn't make it?
I continued to talk to my family. It was quiet for what seemed like forever. We waited to hear what the heck was going on! I got in the shower and really felt peaceful. I wasn't worried at all. I just said a little prayer that he would be okay.
............ My phone rang about 45 min after I received the first call............. my sister was on the other end.......the words she spoke will FOREVER haunt me........ "he didn't make it" she was bawling.
"WHAT!! " I yelled
"He didn't make it"
I lost it! I couldn't believe it!!! How could it be??!!! I hung up the phone and fell to my knees. I cried. I cried more.
Then I paced my bathroom floor for about 30 min. Questioning, repeating "no way, this isn't real" about a million times.
So many many things flooded my head. "what about his boys?"
"My poor dad".
That night I laid awake, sick to my stomach, shaking my head and trying so hard to grasp the news. I talked to my sister all night. I was awake when the sun came up.
My parents got on the first flight they could........ I was living in a nightmare.
The next morning came. But really it all felt like the same day because I never slept. The feeling I had was so weird, so NOT real, SO sad. The kids woke up and we all sat on the couch so I could tell them. I could barely udder the words. I just kept looking at Terry for help. The kids just looked at me and gave me hugs.
My phone was attached to my ear ALL day just like it was all night. Sooooooooo many phone calls. I started to become exhausted but I wasn't tired yet. I couldn't shut my eyes because when I did.... I saw Ian.
The day went by so slow. Annette came by and took my kids for a few hours. I am not sure if the quiet helped or made it worse. I had signed up for a 5K a couple of months before and debated all day if I should do it. I wanted to because I knew it would help to be around my friends and get out of the house. BUT then again I just wanted to lay in Terry's arms. I felt the safest there.
My stomach was a complete mess. I had no appetite.
I decided to run the race. It was nice to get out but I didn't do good at all. With no sleep, no food in my system and my condition, I just did poorly. Plus, my phone still kept ringing.
The next few days are a blur. My sister flew in on Monday. We made a video of pictures to show at Ian's Celebration of Life.
The van needed some work done and so on Tuesday Terry, me, the 3 kids and my sister piled up in his truck and drove 3 1/2 hours to Seattle for the services. We drove straight to the private family viewing. We were all dressed in our nice clothes. On our way Terry decides to stop and get a pizza to eat on the way there. I wasn't very happy about that since I had 2 boys in white shirts and ties. I was stressed.
My plan was NOT to go in the room and see him........ I am NOT a fan of viewings. They scare me because I think the people don't look good.
We pulled up. I was so nervous. My hands were sweating. I felt sick. The kids ran straight over to my mom"Nana" and my dad "Papa". My sister in law Lindsey was outside too. She walked over to me and grasped me soooooo tight. She bawled. I tried to hold myself together. I wanted to brave for my family. I wanted to be there for everyone. I cried but held back hurt.
I walked over to my dad....... he was dressed in one of his beautiful black suits. He is so handsome. I hugged him......... everything came out. I couldn't hold it in. I was devastated.
As I walked into the funeral home the rest of my family was inside. I looked at my dad and told him how I couldn't go in and see him. He said told me that was totally fine. I visited. I hugged. I cried. Paige started to ask about going in. Of course I told her no. I just wasn't sure how he looked and I didn't want to scare her. But this feeling kept coming over me, a very strong feeling. I pushed it aside. As time went by it was getting time to leave. Paige still kept asking me and the feeling kept getting stronger and stronger. I heard a voice in my head telling me"this is a teaching moment. It will be fine. Don't make her scared like you are".
I looked at Terry and said lets go. I was nervous....... I opened the door ........ and there he was. Peaceful, beautiful and nothing was scary. I walked in with Paige. We stood back in the corner. I didn't want to bring her close. Her eyes lit up........ she had a beautiful smile on her face. She said "mom it's so beautiful in here. The flowers are so beautiful and it is just like a glove." It was one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had. I was kneeled down to her level and I just hugged her.
I walked over to him. He was dressed in his baseball uniform. He had his hat on. A rush came over me. OMG, this is real. This really happened. I lost it. There laid in a beautiful casket, my brother. My dad came over. He held me. We cried. My sister came in. We were all there with him. All there to say our last goodbyes.
After going in I didn't want to leave him. I stayed in there until we had to leave. I stared at him. I couldn't believe he wasn't going to wake up. Even as I sit here typing, I still can't believe it.
We left and went about our ways. We had to be back the next day to say our final goodbyes and a graveside service.
We stayed at Terry's cousins house. It was so nice to be able to stay there. It felt good.
The next day came. We got up and dressed up again to bury my brother. To say goodbye.
As a member of the church, death isn't the end. I KNOW that 1000000000%. I have NO doubts. I have never experienced a tragic death. A "no warning" death. What I've experienced were the elderly, someone who fought a sickness, I have never had someone taken in one second. There is no peace. There is no comfort at first. It's been 3 weeks and I think maybe the comfort might be approaching, maybe? There can't be peace when it still feels like a dream.
We pulled up the funeral home. This time for the last time. I saw him again. I bawled. I bawled so much. This was it. This was our life now... with no Ian. We buried him. His plot is beautiful. We watched them lower the casket. We watched as his 15 year old son sat there for 45 minutes and couldn't leave his dad. It broke my heart.
His baseball community had a "Celebration of Life" for him. Tons of people were there. The food was amazing. It was all of Ian's favorite. It was beautiful. 2 different news channels came. The community was really shaken up. The community really stepped up. They really wanted to help his boys.
So much to say..... and I am not sure how to get it all down. There is a void. There is a change with my family. It's a change thats going to be there for a very long time.
All I keep thinking about is how GRATEFUL I am for Thanksgiving 6 months ago. How we all were together. We were happy. So happy. It was a beautiful time. I will cling on that for the rest of my life.
