Bending South

The thing about recovery from an eating disorder is that you don't really notice a huge difference until you look back.  I feel the same. I have the same skin. Have that same personality, but it's the little things that are changing. Okay, one big thing I noticed a few weeks ago is that I'm seeing myself as truly pregnant and not just huge all over. But here's to the little things- I'm able to work through the stress of what normal eating brings. Sometimes you have a plenty of healthy food to make a great meal, sometimes you are at the end of the budget and you just ran out of fresh fruit and you have to make do for a couple more days. At one point that would freak my mind out to have the flexibility to eat more food storage than veggies and fruit, but now this is how life goes once in a while. Sometimes I buy a bag of m&m's and eat maybe a handful here and there. Other weeks (this is more common at the current moment) you eat a couple of handfuls every night and then the bag is gone. Half of you wants to not even care the other half tries not think about how many m&m's are now loitering around in your bloodstream. But this is all life, it's all normal. For me, it's not so much that it is happening, but how I deal with normal life choices.

The hardest part is not getting sucked into food-fads, and not comparing myself to people who I feel like I could "compete" against. That may not make sense to you, lets call that keeping up with the Jones's.

The fact of the matter is recovery from Anorexia for me is being able to see all the things that are out there in the world, all the things that originally would trip me up, all the things that I can't control in other people's lives, and NOT let it affect me. To just let it be. That my capacity to deal with this issue is greater than the issue itself and therefore no longer bothers me. It's like knowing that the beer industry is going to continue to grow and make money, but I really don't care because I don't drink and I have a capacity to not go there n
or let beer affect life choices. And truly, beer has no precedent in my life choices because it simply is not a part of my life. That is how healing and Anorexia work in my life. That is what I am going for. Not that it will disappear from society, but that it doesn't hold any bearing in my life.

As I come to see that, I come to see also that in just shy of 10 months the hardest trial of my life to this point will bring the most wonderful joy that I am now experiencing. Life with a body that is creating a life. Freedom to experience pregnancy free from an eating disorder. AND, the best part, a little soul who will join our family forever.

Well spring has been a shot in the bucket. Good thing we don't expect great things from the month of March. April, however, better be a different story. I'm also excited that 34 weeks of pregnancy is on it's way out, I'm soon to be 35 in two more days. AHH. Then I will only have 5 more weeks of this beautiful babe. How are my curtains? How is my chair full of springs with no new upholstery? Well, they are all about half done. That seems to be the story of my life in the crafting world. Oh well, whatev. Maybe when the baby is 3 I 'll get it all done. big grin because it is probably true.

Happy Crafting everyone! And Happy Easter!

We can do this. I'm so happy and even though it's only 30 degrees outside it's sunny and the birds are chirping. Go birds. I'm headed out to scrub my van. Can you guess who snuck some milk in there and then spilled it?!!! Some days...

Also, going out to find two more springs and lashings to reupholster my chair. I never thought I'd be the one doing it, but I need a distraction from my pregnant world. Which reminds me, down to 9 weeks till go time. YES! I have so much to write about the progress I'm making toward recovery, but I don't really feel like typing about that.

Oh yes, and my two year old broke our cannon. any suggestions for a small camera that takes great pictures and is easy to upload to computers?

I really need to upload the pictures from Tom's phone, but in the mean time....

Today is a day that I think is a little over-rated, however, my children LOVE it and I LOVE them, so I'm going to make it special. Paul and I will share a lovely afternoon playing legos (let me tell you how much I love my kid for doing this) Julie will get to enjoy an hour of tumbling on the mat for gymnastics, for a two year old, this is huge; for a pregnant lady it's an even bigger event. Lydia will come home to a heart attack. She told me yesterday that she really wanted the house covered in hearts to celebrate Valentine's Day. And Tom. (sigh with a bubble of hearts around his name) Tom gets cheesecake. And me,  I get to make Mary's Pesto-Chicken Pizza. Yep, a day full of love.

Just wanted to state how weird it was to wake up feeling pretty normal today. It must be the hormones, I can't think of anything else.
How can a person go from "I can never eat again" to "I don't feel intimidated by food, life as normal."?

Well, there it is. Happy Wednesday, I'll have to be watching out for those Tuesdays.

I can't figure this out, but every Tuesday for the last few weeks have been very hard. Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it is the weather, but every seven days I have a fall out. Today I'm petrified to go into my kitchen. Last Wed. I went to see my counselor. I said, "Yesterday I didn't want to eat because if I started eating I know I wouldn't be able to stop." Then she said, "Well, that's not what I'd like to hear. What I'd like to hear is 'Today I want to eat and I would like to stop.' "

Okay, well today I would like to eat and I would like to stop. The only way I'm doing that is to eat at a scheduled time and pre-plan what I'm going to eat. No, it doesn't liberate me, it's probably not what my counselor will want to hear, but it's the only thing I can do to keep functioning today. It's the only compromise between starvation and a binge. I want to be better so bad. I feel light-years away. I wish I were able to go and meditate and come back not caring about weight and how big I feel, but all I can do today is cry it out. Maybe that is a skill? Who knows. All l know is that I'm trying.
 Paul even came in and asked why I was crying.  We had to discuss how hard it is to make a baby and sometimes it just makes you cry. Paul said, "I'll bet you'll be happy when that baby gets all made". Oh yes, sweet Paul I will. Poor Tom had to give me a pep-talk over the phone.

I wanted to update on this month of pregnancy.  January was great, and when I say great I mean all those things that I mentioned in my jan 4th post, I've been doing and it really does work. I've only had 10 days when I knew the world would end, out of 30 days, that's pretty dang good. The other 20 were do-able. I'm trying to read my scriptures in the day so that I get more out of my study. I also ran all of my treats to Nadine's last week when I felt the sky was falling. I think I will go back and re-claim them sometime. See, I usually throw everything out of my house when I start panicking about gaining weight that will "NEVER EVER COME OFF" (yeah, Eat. dis. talking there) and I swear up and down that I will not have treats ever in my house and I will do a myriad of things to ensure I don't gain any weight. BUT, I didn't do that this time. I didn't even think it. I did realize how much stress I felt with my treats in my kitchen, so I decided to take a small break until I feel more like myself. Yay, success and it helped.
 I do cry just about every day, but I refuse to let my "fat" feelings last. I do realize that third tri is absolutely the most trying for me and I've accepted that I just cannot change whatever is happening in my brain for my eyes to see a small fat girl instead of a beautiful bearing mother, but I don't have to let it go on. I can battle.  Moroni exhorted Pahoran to "be up and doing" and so I'm trying very hard to be up and doing instead of down and moping. Laughing is easier when you are mopping. Being kind is better when you are in the moment of Legos with your 5 yr old. None of that requires a mirror.

And now, to break up another kid fight.....