Dear Mandy,
The countdown is nearing as I'm preparing to leave the house in about 30 minutes more and have my exam that is due at 1pm. Yes, my battle is about to begin, and what Cheryl told me yesterday really was super comforting. She said that I have God on my side, and that He'll provide for me. Haha... suddenly, my troops seem much more ready for battle. Thank you, Cher.. :)
Well, even as I'm mentally psyching myself for the exam, I guess I should just go in and give it my all. No point panicking, no point being paranoid... just go in there, and give it nothing less than my best. What will be, will be. *Frowns* That seems to be my favourite phrase these days.. haha.. *smiles*
Being paranoid about my exams is something that's always been the case, you see? I mean, last time in VJC, I actually blanked out during my maths exams... and ended up flunking my math prelim exams... well, I was sent for the re-test, upon my teacher, Mrs. Chuah, wanting to give me a 2nd shot. I didn't let her down this turn around as I hopped back with a C, which is um, well, I think I scored a 62 for the exam, a huge jump from my 42 in my prelims. It spear-headed me to a B for my A levels for Maths... and well, that's why I love Mrs. Chuah so much. ^^
And yet, university has been an immensely emotional rollercoaster journey thus far, but the first semeste is coming to an end, and I'm resolving to leave it all up to God already. My preparation phase this week has been really productive, to say the least, and I guess that right now, the important thing is just not to panic and to just go in there, and do my best. Forget all the past experiences that I faced of academic inability i VJC, and forget all the past assessments that I've had for Linear Algebra. The time is now, the determining factor is here. It's do or die now.
And even as I take my foot off the pedal, and let Jesus take the wheel, I do too, have to thank the people who kept me calm and composed last night... Sabbie, Rainie, Meng Siong, Zhiyuan, Jacob, Benny, Cheryl and PILA!! Hahaa.. yes yes, Pila, you. :) Thank you for just talking to me, even if it was just 4 simple sentences!! Hahaa.. :)
Well, onwards to my first battle of the exam war!! :)
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Dear Mandy,
And the exams are looming nearer and nearer.. I've got 5 more days till the start of the first paper, and well, these days, studying in VJC and in NUS have made me rather productive, I feel, but I'm still apprehensive.
Well, I evaluated the odds, and I realised that I like studying in VJC more than in NUS... I feel more carefree there, and it's honestly home to me. I have the swing, which has become my favourite companion, and the garden, and the two friends who I'm really comfortable around, as well as the occasional surprise guests that come by, like Si Min and Nigel. Haha.. the two friends who I study a lot with are Zhiyuan and Meng Siong, who've been with me since Sec 1. Meng is this... hardworking machine who's always got his aim that he works relentlessly for... of the three of us, he's easily the most hardworking and ambitious one. Then there's Zhiyuan, who's the alternative point of view. Of the three of us, he's easily the most realistic and unorthodox one. Ever seen someone study Chemistry standing on his chair? Well... u get the idea.
When I study with these two people, I feel a natural need to study hard, and at the same time, a natural ease that allows me to see clearly what is going on. They provide so many insights, and it is heartening to know that all of us are going through similar situations, and we share it outwardly with each other. It's a really nice feeling, and one that makes me feel better irregardless of things.
I'm worried for the exams still, but I can sense that I'm getting better.. well, more prepared. But I guess until I take the first paper, I won't really settle down and get into the mood... It struck me when I managed to find some personal time for myself at the swing on Thursday, how much I've missed having personal time to myself to just... think. And I think I prayed to God while I was there, cause many thoughts were going through my mind, and I just kinda felt God easing all my worries and fears about life in general. His presence was really... comforting. And I got a glimmer of that long awaited personal reflection time that I craved badly.
Similarly, I came to a conclusion that I'm not ready to head back into a relationship for now... and that, until I finish all the commitments on my hand, which will stretch all the way to either January 14 or March 10, depending on whether I get Victorians' Day at hand, I'll probably remain single. Time is definitely not on my hand, and I'm not keen to just jump into a r/s for the sake of it again.
I'm also looking forward to working as a camp instructor again, with a camp in the first week of January! Whoo-hoo! Haha... back to days of momentary escapism and camaradrie amongst the instructors. I guess that camps really are a form of momentary bliss.. haha.. an offer to be away from the normal stress of the working word. A campfire to hype the mood, a group of campers that you know you can motivate. And also, more learning lessons for us NOT to get too close to our campers. That is something that I'm defintely going to learn.
On a side note... I need a break. And I don't know when I'll get it, but I know that in God's arms I can find my rest, and that where I am weak, He is strong. I'm really glad that Kristy's coming back soon... and I also have to find time to meet up with Maggie, Gracie, Gayne, Rainie, Zhiyuan, Jacob, and also, for my Church friends like Pila and Cheryl. Haha.. I've got a packed schedule... but I'll get by it. Because everything in His time. My Lord will provide for me.
And the exams are looming nearer and nearer.. I've got 5 more days till the start of the first paper, and well, these days, studying in VJC and in NUS have made me rather productive, I feel, but I'm still apprehensive.
Well, I evaluated the odds, and I realised that I like studying in VJC more than in NUS... I feel more carefree there, and it's honestly home to me. I have the swing, which has become my favourite companion, and the garden, and the two friends who I'm really comfortable around, as well as the occasional surprise guests that come by, like Si Min and Nigel. Haha.. the two friends who I study a lot with are Zhiyuan and Meng Siong, who've been with me since Sec 1. Meng is this... hardworking machine who's always got his aim that he works relentlessly for... of the three of us, he's easily the most hardworking and ambitious one. Then there's Zhiyuan, who's the alternative point of view. Of the three of us, he's easily the most realistic and unorthodox one. Ever seen someone study Chemistry standing on his chair? Well... u get the idea.
When I study with these two people, I feel a natural need to study hard, and at the same time, a natural ease that allows me to see clearly what is going on. They provide so many insights, and it is heartening to know that all of us are going through similar situations, and we share it outwardly with each other. It's a really nice feeling, and one that makes me feel better irregardless of things.
I'm worried for the exams still, but I can sense that I'm getting better.. well, more prepared. But I guess until I take the first paper, I won't really settle down and get into the mood... It struck me when I managed to find some personal time for myself at the swing on Thursday, how much I've missed having personal time to myself to just... think. And I think I prayed to God while I was there, cause many thoughts were going through my mind, and I just kinda felt God easing all my worries and fears about life in general. His presence was really... comforting. And I got a glimmer of that long awaited personal reflection time that I craved badly.
Similarly, I came to a conclusion that I'm not ready to head back into a relationship for now... and that, until I finish all the commitments on my hand, which will stretch all the way to either January 14 or March 10, depending on whether I get Victorians' Day at hand, I'll probably remain single. Time is definitely not on my hand, and I'm not keen to just jump into a r/s for the sake of it again.
I'm also looking forward to working as a camp instructor again, with a camp in the first week of January! Whoo-hoo! Haha... back to days of momentary escapism and camaradrie amongst the instructors. I guess that camps really are a form of momentary bliss.. haha.. an offer to be away from the normal stress of the working word. A campfire to hype the mood, a group of campers that you know you can motivate. And also, more learning lessons for us NOT to get too close to our campers. That is something that I'm defintely going to learn.
On a side note... I need a break. And I don't know when I'll get it, but I know that in God's arms I can find my rest, and that where I am weak, He is strong. I'm really glad that Kristy's coming back soon... and I also have to find time to meet up with Maggie, Gracie, Gayne, Rainie, Zhiyuan, Jacob, and also, for my Church friends like Pila and Cheryl. Haha.. I've got a packed schedule... but I'll get by it. Because everything in His time. My Lord will provide for me.
"Just a closer walk with Thee
Grant, dear Jesus, is my plea
Daily walking close to Thee
Let it be, dear Lord, let it be...
I am weak, but Thou art strong
Jesus, keep me from all harm
I'll be satisifed as long
As I walk, let me walk, close to Thee
Just a closer walk with Thee
Grant, dear Jesus, is my plea
Daily walking close to Thee
Let it be, dear Lord, let it be..."
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Dear Mandy,
I have absolutely no idea why I'm feeling really demoralised, tired and down and out of sorts. And it's really freaking me out. I just get this feeling like I'm not going to do well for exams, and I have absolutely no idea if what I'm doing now is right, or if I'm going to get anywhere, or even... if what I'm pursuing right now is what God has for me.
It's disconcerting to say the least, and the comments that I have received for my Sociology essay aren't exactly the best. I thought that I'd done it pretty ok, but well, I kinda missed the objective, and it wasn't what they were looking for. Coming at this kinda time, it really isn't the best feeling whatsoever, and it just gets me wondering how well I'm going to be doing for my Philosophy paper as well. Coupled with the fact that this morning's lab quiz didn't go as well, I'm wondering just what is it that I'm doing right here, right now.
Am I really cut out for this sort of higher education clause? I can't remember what I've studied the day before, I'm losing sleep, and I should be stressed, but instead, I feel myself somewhat being lost in this huge vortex of a lack of direction, and a very... frail figure, like as though any minute now, I'm going to fail my exams. I really don't know what I need to get myself back on track, and I know that I'm running out of time to find that winning formula to do well, and be prepared for the exams. Just what is going on with me?!
Ugh. I'm just holding on as well as I can without breaking down, but I let myself be affected one time too many by others around me, and I really... just sincerely... wish that there was more that I could be doing, or can do. In truth, I kinda admit that despite my increase in my efforts, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to pay off. And that feeling, completely and totally sux. It;s worse than in JC, where I know that I focused too much on Council and ended up rushing to catch up, because I know that I didn't really build up my foundations. But isn't now different? I mean, I'm trying and putting in more effort... and yet... I'm just... short of the mark. *sighs*
Who am I trying to kid? My days of strong academia are really fading out... how did I manage to juggle everything in VS? I guess I now know.. the subjects that I had tuition for, I did exceptionally well, and flopped in those that I didn't have. But that isn't supposed to be the case now, isn't it? I mean.. what have I gotta do..? Go find tuition for uni subjects? That's impossible! But well... I chose this path, and I know that God led me to it. I just have to trust in Him, and put my best foot forwards.. that's all that I can do for now. But it is still awfully disconcerting... I need to get this out of my system and evaluate myself better.
Well, as of now, the only thing I have left is just to keep trying and try harder. I just have to I guess.. because.. as of now.. I'm fighting a battle that I have to succeed myself. Watching ElizabethTown gave me a couple of mixed effects... let me explain.
Drew Baylor's major flop at Mercury Shoes, and his being a completely charming person to his relatives at ElizabethTown at his father's funeral kinda sums up what I'm feeling at the moment. I'm struggling to come to terms with my inadequacy, and yet, I'm also having to live up to this stereotype of what is typically me. I don't know, but in sense, I'm just trying really hard, to find a firm, secure footing. In comes Claire Colburn... Claire is a happy-go-lucky woman, who is an intruguing presence to Drew. Drew spends a lot of time with Claire, and after the night that they spend together, Drew admits all his hidden feelings to Claire. And Claire, sweet, sweet Claire, told him that it really doesn't matter. And this line that she told him, really struck me: "You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to FAIL BIG and stick around, make them wonder why you're still smiling. That's true greatness to me." It really struck me, and I think that that is an affirmation that I just have to keep trying. University was never meant to be easy, and even right now, I'm seeing that. What will be will be. I'll just keep working at it, and trust that God will somehow lead me out of this battlefield with my head held high, and having conquered the 1st Semester of University life as an undergraduate.
Life isn't all it's spruced out to be, but everything in its time. I'll keep working on it.
I have absolutely no idea why I'm feeling really demoralised, tired and down and out of sorts. And it's really freaking me out. I just get this feeling like I'm not going to do well for exams, and I have absolutely no idea if what I'm doing now is right, or if I'm going to get anywhere, or even... if what I'm pursuing right now is what God has for me.
It's disconcerting to say the least, and the comments that I have received for my Sociology essay aren't exactly the best. I thought that I'd done it pretty ok, but well, I kinda missed the objective, and it wasn't what they were looking for. Coming at this kinda time, it really isn't the best feeling whatsoever, and it just gets me wondering how well I'm going to be doing for my Philosophy paper as well. Coupled with the fact that this morning's lab quiz didn't go as well, I'm wondering just what is it that I'm doing right here, right now.
Am I really cut out for this sort of higher education clause? I can't remember what I've studied the day before, I'm losing sleep, and I should be stressed, but instead, I feel myself somewhat being lost in this huge vortex of a lack of direction, and a very... frail figure, like as though any minute now, I'm going to fail my exams. I really don't know what I need to get myself back on track, and I know that I'm running out of time to find that winning formula to do well, and be prepared for the exams. Just what is going on with me?!
Ugh. I'm just holding on as well as I can without breaking down, but I let myself be affected one time too many by others around me, and I really... just sincerely... wish that there was more that I could be doing, or can do. In truth, I kinda admit that despite my increase in my efforts, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to pay off. And that feeling, completely and totally sux. It;s worse than in JC, where I know that I focused too much on Council and ended up rushing to catch up, because I know that I didn't really build up my foundations. But isn't now different? I mean, I'm trying and putting in more effort... and yet... I'm just... short of the mark. *sighs*
Who am I trying to kid? My days of strong academia are really fading out... how did I manage to juggle everything in VS? I guess I now know.. the subjects that I had tuition for, I did exceptionally well, and flopped in those that I didn't have. But that isn't supposed to be the case now, isn't it? I mean.. what have I gotta do..? Go find tuition for uni subjects? That's impossible! But well... I chose this path, and I know that God led me to it. I just have to trust in Him, and put my best foot forwards.. that's all that I can do for now. But it is still awfully disconcerting... I need to get this out of my system and evaluate myself better.
Well, as of now, the only thing I have left is just to keep trying and try harder. I just have to I guess.. because.. as of now.. I'm fighting a battle that I have to succeed myself. Watching ElizabethTown gave me a couple of mixed effects... let me explain.
Drew Baylor's major flop at Mercury Shoes, and his being a completely charming person to his relatives at ElizabethTown at his father's funeral kinda sums up what I'm feeling at the moment. I'm struggling to come to terms with my inadequacy, and yet, I'm also having to live up to this stereotype of what is typically me. I don't know, but in sense, I'm just trying really hard, to find a firm, secure footing. In comes Claire Colburn... Claire is a happy-go-lucky woman, who is an intruguing presence to Drew. Drew spends a lot of time with Claire, and after the night that they spend together, Drew admits all his hidden feelings to Claire. And Claire, sweet, sweet Claire, told him that it really doesn't matter. And this line that she told him, really struck me: "You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to FAIL BIG and stick around, make them wonder why you're still smiling. That's true greatness to me." It really struck me, and I think that that is an affirmation that I just have to keep trying. University was never meant to be easy, and even right now, I'm seeing that. What will be will be. I'll just keep working at it, and trust that God will somehow lead me out of this battlefield with my head held high, and having conquered the 1st Semester of University life as an undergraduate.
Life isn't all it's spruced out to be, but everything in its time. I'll keep working on it.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Dear Mandy,
Well, I'm just sitting here, supposed to be reading eithe CH2292A notes or doing some Philosophy, when I suddenly felt aimless and lonely, and decided to write in to you.
Now, is officially the mugging season, and I'm cranking up my engine *rev rev...* to become a mugger machine. And as of now, I think I'm in pretty good stead, I just need to really get my biological clock to adjust to sleeping at 2am, and to wake up at the times I've planned to wake up. Of late, it's been hard to wake up... haha... oh well... mugging is the life, the essence.. or, as someone told me, I'm officially married to my books. *shrug*
I really wonder how these exams are going to be like, and how I'll fare. I mean.. I'm really a tad slow for now, but I realised that I've covered a fair bit of ground also. Which, in all honesty, surprises me. I'm beginning to understand how to study English Language, and I love studying my sociology. Philosophy has given me new insights, which I realise I've been using when some people come to me with their problems... and China Film Studies.. the lecturer is driving me nuts. That being said, Linear Algebra stands as my biggest problem for now, but Meng Siong is helping me.
Well, on and off. That's my mentality. On and off. No no, not like the Karate kid "Wax on.. wax off.. wax on.. wax off.." *SHeesh* The on and off mentality is to take things with a pinch of salt. Knowing when to say yes and when to politely reject. Yep, learning how to say no is really a great tool when tempered with compassion and humility.
ARh. 18 more days till the big EXAMS! Haha.. forwards!!
Well, I'm just sitting here, supposed to be reading eithe CH2292A notes or doing some Philosophy, when I suddenly felt aimless and lonely, and decided to write in to you.
Now, is officially the mugging season, and I'm cranking up my engine *rev rev...* to become a mugger machine. And as of now, I think I'm in pretty good stead, I just need to really get my biological clock to adjust to sleeping at 2am, and to wake up at the times I've planned to wake up. Of late, it's been hard to wake up... haha... oh well... mugging is the life, the essence.. or, as someone told me, I'm officially married to my books. *shrug*
I really wonder how these exams are going to be like, and how I'll fare. I mean.. I'm really a tad slow for now, but I realised that I've covered a fair bit of ground also. Which, in all honesty, surprises me. I'm beginning to understand how to study English Language, and I love studying my sociology. Philosophy has given me new insights, which I realise I've been using when some people come to me with their problems... and China Film Studies.. the lecturer is driving me nuts. That being said, Linear Algebra stands as my biggest problem for now, but Meng Siong is helping me.
Well, on and off. That's my mentality. On and off. No no, not like the Karate kid "Wax on.. wax off.. wax on.. wax off.." *SHeesh* The on and off mentality is to take things with a pinch of salt. Knowing when to say yes and when to politely reject. Yep, learning how to say no is really a great tool when tempered with compassion and humility.
ARh. 18 more days till the big EXAMS! Haha.. forwards!!
Monday, November 05, 2007
Dear Mandy,
It's raining now, and a sweet, old song came to mind...
"Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain,
Telling me just what a fool I've been.
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain,
and let me be alone again."
It's a nice song and a very old one at that, and well, I love hearing the soft pitter-patter of the rain as it falls... "Heaven's tears" someone calls it.. and I start to wonder. Are they tears of joy, or tears of sadness? Haha.. maybe I think too much. ^_^
Well, God has been so great, and so real this week, that I'm really overwhelmed by His grace and mercy. Not only did He bless me with love, and a broken spirit, He also gave me assurance of my efforts in Him, when the mission trip's planning, DnD planning all made progress, and my grades gave me renewed vigour to press on. Except that I've been procrastinating.. haha..
I haven't been able to really get down to studying these few days, and though I attribute it to Philosophy essay and Sociology term assignment, I know that it's more than just that. But today, during service, where it talked about wisdom and intelligence, somehow or rather, I just know that God as speaking to me. And when I responded to altar call, and my own cell leader came to pray for me, I knew what I have to do. And it's FULL INTENSIVE MUGGING!! Hahaha.. oooh, I like that.
Recently rekindled some stagnant friendships, and the feelings are good nonetheless... and I also came to a harsh realisaton about a couple of facts also. It's really interesting, sometimes... how God's plan works, but I can also sense that His time and His plan is beautiful. And truth be told, I'm really really thankful that Rachel brought me to church, and I got saved. God has been so real to me, and I just don't know how to thank Him for all the grace He has given me.
Special thanks has to go out to Jacob. Haha.. of late, we've been having so many interesting conversations, that I'm finding myself more relaxed and happy. Hahaa.. of course, and Deepak.. for all the Linear Algebra funness... and Zhiyuan... the dude who always gives me an honest perspective about things. Of course, thank Pila for all her nice nice songs, and KrisK for hearing me rant about some stuff.. haha.. thanks guys!!
It's raining now, and a sweet, old song came to mind...
"Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain,
Telling me just what a fool I've been.
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain,
and let me be alone again."
It's a nice song and a very old one at that, and well, I love hearing the soft pitter-patter of the rain as it falls... "Heaven's tears" someone calls it.. and I start to wonder. Are they tears of joy, or tears of sadness? Haha.. maybe I think too much. ^_^
Well, God has been so great, and so real this week, that I'm really overwhelmed by His grace and mercy. Not only did He bless me with love, and a broken spirit, He also gave me assurance of my efforts in Him, when the mission trip's planning, DnD planning all made progress, and my grades gave me renewed vigour to press on. Except that I've been procrastinating.. haha..
I haven't been able to really get down to studying these few days, and though I attribute it to Philosophy essay and Sociology term assignment, I know that it's more than just that. But today, during service, where it talked about wisdom and intelligence, somehow or rather, I just know that God as speaking to me. And when I responded to altar call, and my own cell leader came to pray for me, I knew what I have to do. And it's FULL INTENSIVE MUGGING!! Hahaha.. oooh, I like that.
Recently rekindled some stagnant friendships, and the feelings are good nonetheless... and I also came to a harsh realisaton about a couple of facts also. It's really interesting, sometimes... how God's plan works, but I can also sense that His time and His plan is beautiful. And truth be told, I'm really really thankful that Rachel brought me to church, and I got saved. God has been so real to me, and I just don't know how to thank Him for all the grace He has given me.
Special thanks has to go out to Jacob. Haha.. of late, we've been having so many interesting conversations, that I'm finding myself more relaxed and happy. Hahaa.. of course, and Deepak.. for all the Linear Algebra funness... and Zhiyuan... the dude who always gives me an honest perspective about things. Of course, thank Pila for all her nice nice songs, and KrisK for hearing me rant about some stuff.. haha.. thanks guys!!
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