Trying not to scream

Hello! Um... Despite appearances, I'm still here. In my mind, I've been updating this blog constantly. In reality? Doesn't appear that I have, does it? Oops.

I seem to think of blog posts quite a bit but then never find the time to flesh them out. So, then nothing happens. Because, well, you know. Yeah.

So, I thought I'd share some randomness.

I have a bizarre obsession with organizing the bottles. I think it is because it's the only thing I seem to have control over so I want them to be in their proper places. I have a very specific pattern to how I wash them each day. And, then, I have a very specific pattern of how I organize them to dry. It's weird, I realize. And, I'm ever so happy when someone else is able to wash them (like if the babies are asleep during the hour or so that I have a helper on hand) but it makes me CRAZY when they put the bottles out to dry all willy-nilly. There's a SYSTEM people!

Crazier still when the one babysitter put the dry bottles away just all out of order. I mean (and this is coming out really weird and obsessive and I may have a problem) there's a place where the big bottles are, then the small storage bottles, then the nipples, etc. And, it's pretty obvious. But, she just put bottles wherever. OK, so it really doesn't matter how they're set up when they dry -- just makes me feel better if they're organized. But, seriously, how do you not follow the established organization putting them away? I really wanted to take her aside and ask her what her kitchen cabinets look like. Because, it felt like the equivalent of just randomly putting glasses and plates and bowls all willy-nilly (because I feel the need to say that more) rather than stacking them where they belong.

This same particular babysitter seems to think that you need about a quarter of a cup of dish soap each time you wash something. We've had to have a discussion... We've had to replace the dish soap three times in two months! A dollop, people! She also didn't really seem to understand how to hand wash/rinse bottles. I'm guessing she's never had to hand wash anything before. (And, yes, we could wash them in the dishwasher but it seems a waste of water as well as taking as much or more time, really.)

While we're on strange dish obsessions... I find myself also obsessed with the organization of the dishwasher. Especially the silverware. And, (truly this is all sounding more and more pitiful as I put it to "paper") I feel a lovely sense of accomplishment when I manage to put the silverware away by "type" without missing anything. Um, that makes more sense in my head than in reality, I think.

It's possible that I've lost my mind. Or, I'm trying to focus on the few things I have control over since the rest of my days/nights are totally out of my control.

Um. Yeah. So, there you go. I go a month without a post and then post about my strange bottle obsession.

Oh, and the boys are 6 months (OK, nearly 7 months) and awesome.




This picture perfectly sums up their personalities. D has morphed into the happiest baby in the world. He smiles constantly. S is deep and contemplative. He's not just going to smile whenever you look at him -- no, you've got to earn those smiles. So worth it.

Happy 5 month/3 month birthday my boys! And, happy 1 year! It was a year ago today that you started out as two little quickly dividing embryos. How our world has changed since then.

(This post gets really long really quickly. Suffice it to say that the boys are doing great. This is mostly just for me -- so I can remember it all.)

(You know, I always find these posts written as if the author is writing to her children to be really obnoxious. But... I can't seem to stop doing it. So... Um... Yeah, sorry about that in advance...)

I truly can't believe that it has been 5 months since you were born. You are firmly past the "newborn" stage and are starting to be such big boys! We look back at the pictures of you when we brought you home from the NICU and we're just astounded. I want to record this stage in your lives so I don't forget just how far you've come.





D -- Sometime in the last month, a miracle occurred. My angry, stubborn, colicky boy became an absolute sweetheart. Not that you don't still let us know when you're mad or hungry or lonely or tired or gassy. But, nowadays, you seem to only scream when there's a reason! Was it the increased zantac dose or just "growing out of it?" Who knows! Whatever it is, we'll take it.

You're weighing in at 12 pounds! I believe that puts you somewhere around the 40th percentile for your adjusted age on the very low birthweight chart! And, lo and behold, you have actually cracked the "real 3 month old" chart at the 10th percentile! Wow! I will never cease to be amazed by your chubby thighs. You're wearing mostly 0-3 month and some 3-6 month clothes and size 1 diapers. Except for your favorite "bugs bugs bugs" shirt that claims to be a newborn size but still fits. You just LOVE to grab ahold of the fuzzy bug on the front of that shirt and squeal with joy. Not sure what we're going to do when you grow out of it...

Your eyes are still blue -- grey in some light. While your dad and I have brown eyes, both of your grandfathers have blue eyes, so they may very well be staying that way. What little wispy hair you have seems to be kind of blond so far. Your dad and I were both blond as kids, so we'll see what you end up with.

You're still eating mostly breastmilk with 4-6 ounces of formula (gas and reflux friendly) mixed in per day. You're a good eater at night, finishing your bottle quickly, but are really into "grazing" during the day. You're a good napper and go down at night pretty easily (most of the time). BUT, we'd really like it if you'd figure out that it's OK to sleep longer chunks at night, OK? Three hour and four hour (or, sometimes, two hour) blocks are getting a little old. Did you see how excited we were the time you slept 5.5 hours straight? Yeah, do that again.

You are a curious boy who loves to check out everything around him. You're perfectly content to hang out in the pack and play kicking your crinkly washcloth and watching the jingly monkey. You've even started to try to hit your hanging toys! You have started chewing on anything you can get into your mouth -- hands, blankets, toys. You LOVE faces and new people. You smile at everyone and arch your back with happiness when someone smiles back. You babble at everyone and at yourself. I'm amazed at all the sounds that come out of your mouth! (Um, and out of your butt -- you are a champion farter.)

You are obsessed (OBSESSED) with your blankies. Blankie of choice? The tri-fold cloth diapers we use for burp cloths. You will spend hours just chewing on it and hugging it and snuggling with it. We have to let you have it to fall asleep. We take it from you later, though, because you seem to like to put it over your face and I'm not a fan of that! Thank goodness you don't seem to have a preference for one particular blankie -- we've got about 60 of them...

You love being outside and going for walks. In fact, if you are inconsolable, all we have to do is open the door and stand on the porch and you are instantly silent. You love to ride in the stroller watching the trees. You love being read to. You really seem to be paying attention to the pictures in the books.

You've started weekly physical therapy for your tortocolis (the very cute cocked to the side neck thing that makes you look so curious in your pictures). You're doing a great job and we are working hard everyday at doing your stretches and strengthening exercises. You've rolled over a few times and are working on tummy time -- you're getting so much stronger!

I'm absolutely loving this phase of your life my Darling D!





S -- You continue to be our happy, sweet little boy! When I wake up in the morning, I look down into your bassinet to see you sitting, wide awake, waiting for someone to play with you. That is, if I've managed to sleep through you chatting away, trying to get me to come see you. As soon as you see me, you smile from ear to ear and squeal with happiness. It makes the lack of sleep worthwhile!

You are closing in on your brother at 11 lb 14 oz! A week's worth of crazy eating a few weeks ago seems to have closed the gap. That puts you around the 40th percentile, too! And, you are actually on the regular chart, finally, too for your adjusted age! You're wearing the same clothes as your brother but don't seem to be nearly as obsessed with grabbing them as he is. You, too, are eating mostly breastmilk with 4-6 ounces of formula a day. We've recently switched you to the gentlease, too, because you were seeming a little fussier. In general, you're a much more consistent eater than your brother and are much more willing to finish your bottles. You love to stop in the middle of a feeding and just sit and smile at us and squeal and giggle.

You are a great sleeper at night. You go to bed pretty easily and, if no one else (ahem...your brother...ahem) wakes you up, you'd be willing to sleep at least 6 hours straight. When you do wake up to eat, you smile at us and we can't help but smile back through bleary eyes. You're a pretty good napper and are always happiest if you get some good, long naps during the day. Doesn't always happen, but it's nice...

Your eyes are still blue, too! A somewhat darker blue. They are framed by absolutely gorgeous insanely long, brown eyelashes. Your eyebrows are brown, too, and so incredibly expressive. You have more hair than your brother and it seems to be kind of a light brown. Poor guy -- you've still got cradle cap although it seems to be better than before.

You seem to have discovered your hands. Either that or you've been on an occasional drug trip. (Dude, my hand, dude...) You've started putting everything in your mouth. Yesterday you grabbed the rattle and started shaking it. So exciting!

Your biggest struggles have been with your neck and your skin. You've always had sensitive, dry skin but now you're dealing with some uncomfortable eczema as well. The first really bad flare up seemed to coincide with your learning how to control your hands. How sad that the first thing you learned to do with your hands was scratch your wrists! The doctor also heard a wheeze when we took you in, so you were on some prednisone for a few days. That was NO fun for anyone. You did eat ravenously, though, and I think that's how you started to catch up to D. As soon as the meds were done, the flare-up came back. The doc gave us some ointment for the flares (works like a charm within hours) and then we're just being extra diligent about moisturizing cream in between. We think we may have figured out that you're allergic to apples and cherries like your dad -- you seemed to keep flaring up the day after I ate them and haven't since I stopped.

Your neck issues are pretty bad. You're really stuck looking to the right. But, with PT and lots of stretching, it's getting a lot better. You have a lot of good head control, you just really don't want to turn. Your head shape has improved a lot as we've worked on the stretching, too. Tummy time is slowly getting better but you've got a way to go. You'll get there, though.

You are such a sweet guy. Everyone loves to interact with you because you have the biggest flirty-smiles! Your entire face lights up. Your daddy has the hardest time leaving in the morning when you're smiling at him.

When we go for walks, you stare at us the whole time. The world could be going by but you only have eyes for your parents. You love to be read to -- Dr. Seuss is definitely your favorite. That's good because he's our favorite, too. You love your jingly shoes and your rattly cloth. You kick with joy whenever you're happy.

You're just a wonderful joy to be around my Sweet S!

Wow. Once a month? Really? That's all I can mange to post? Yeesh.

I have one post I've been working on for a while but it is now so sadly out of date that I'm just going to give up and start again. A quick summary of the non "baby growth update" part of that post -- my mother came to visit for a week and, as much as I love her, somehow having her here to help was more stressful and exhausting than having no help. As my husband says, at this point he and I are a well oiled machine -- having her here definitely threw a wrench in the works.

Anyway, moving on...

Um. Do you know that it is almost the end of September? Do you know what that means?

For one -- the boys are almost 5 months old and 3 months adjusted! Um, can you say "holy crap!?" I knew you could.

For two -- we're about to come up on the one year anniversary of their conception. Yeah, if they were conceived the "old fashioned" way, that might be a little "eeeewwww" inducing. But, with IVF, it just makes me cry happy tears to think of it. I keep looking at our timeline on the sidebar over there on the right and thinking of what I was doing each of these days last year. I couldn't have begun to imagine how my life would change one year later.

For three -- we're only a few weeks from midterm break. We're actually going to attempt our first out-of-town trip with the boys for a night. Also, the day of the break is our 4 year anniversary. We are taking the unusual step of taking one of our babysitters with us and getting a two bedroom suite (found an AWESOME deal) so that she can sit for the boys while we go out to dinner. I have no idea how this is going to work. We're not planning on visiting family (hence the BYOBS (bring your own babysitter)) because, if it is a disaster, we don't want the pressure of having to take them to family houses and will just head home. We'll try that chaos over Thanksgiving.

(The whole thing feels very bizarre to me -- never thought of myself as someone who would travel with a "nanny" -- but we just desperately want to go out to a nice restaurant for our anniversary (there aren't any in our town) and want to take the boys to a few of our favorite places in Iowa.)

Speaking of the babysitters -- we have three different students who come by at various times during the weekdays for somewhere between 1 and 2 1/2 hours. Sometimes it just allows me to take a shower (oh, I so love to get a shower) or do some laundry or wash bottles. And, having someone else (who isn't sleep deprived) interact with the boys for a while is wonderful. My current goal, on the two days I have longer "chunks," is to get out and go to the pool in an attempt to find my muscles again. We still have one sitter coming one night a week and sometimes a few hours on the weekend. I was resistant to this whole thing at first -- I feel like I'm SUPPOSED to be taking care of them all the time. (And, I love to do it.) But, I realized that if I don't get a few minutes to myself each day and sometimes get out of the house on my own, then I will just collapse into tears. Two babies is hard. wonderful but hard. There are so few times when they're both relaxed or asleep. (For instance, now. I have no idea how I've lucked into this long chunk of "alone time" right now. Highly unusual.) If we had any family anywhere nearby I wouldn't have hesitated to "use" them for the same purpose. But, we don't and I need help.

We have been very lucky with the sitters we've found. They're really great. And, they all really love hanging out with the boys. Sometimes we have to force them to take the money they've earned (if they stayed extra, for instance) because they always thank us for letting them hang out with our children! I think back to being in college and I could totally see that -- just wanting some time to get away from school and play with cute babies. A great stress reliever.

Uh oh... D seems to be waking up... Hmm... maybe not quite yet.

Um, I haven't had a chance to write a "baby update." Gives me a reason to try to fit in another post this week! :)

Meantime, here's my current favorite baby shot. Can you believe how grown up they're looking?




Oops, yeah, he's up now! Gotta go!! Love to you all!! :)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

(I may just really be tired, but I can't help but read that title as "Moron feeding my boys" which makes me feel like I'm the moron... Oh dear...)

Thanks to everyone for their comments on my last post.  There were so many well thought out, thought provoking responses.  I thought about just replying to each comment, but I know as a commenter, I rarely check back and I thought it might be better to respond in a new post.

And, that way, I'd actually manage a new post, too!  So, hey, bonus!

(Before I get to that, I just thought I'd mention something about my commenting habits lately.  I tend to read and comment on my phone while pumping or holding a baby.  So, my commenting has been minimized quite a bit.  And, I tend to only comment immediately on posts that either can have just a quick response (i.e. "yay for your BFP!" or "wow, your co-worker is a dumbass") or posts that seem to require an immediate response.  If your post resonates with me or if I want to take my time to comment, I tend to mark it as unread to come back to later when I have the time and mental focus.  And, sometimes later never comes!  So, if I'm not commenting on your blog lately, that may mean that I REALLY REALLY want to say something very important and, therefore, am saying nothing at all.  It's a little convoluted but that's my excuse and I'm sorry about it!!!)

Anywho...

First off, thanks to all of you who pointed out how tough it is to exclusively pump and how well I'm doing with it.  I do feel like I'm accomplishing something by doing this and do feel like I'm doing a good job at it.  Right now, it feels like something important I need to do. At some point, when it starts to feel overwhelming and like I'm taking time and energy away from my boys then I know it will be time to stop.

Guinevere  was the first to point out the usefulness of keeping my pump parts in the fridge in between pumping sessions.  A great idea.  And, one that I'd heard someone say before and then TOTALLY forgot about.  And, besides the lessened need to wash so often, do you know how nice refrigerated pump parts feel on sore boobs in the middle of the summer?!  It's like putting your bra in the freezer!

She also discussed the possibility of donated breastmilk.  Not something that we will likely pursue, but an excellent option.  It reminds me of something, though, that I forgot to mention before. Late into our stay at the RMH, I had two tubs of frozen milk in the breastmilk freezer and many of the other mothers put a bottle or two a night in the freezer before taking them into the NICU the next day (it made it pretty evident that we were there for the long haul while most NICU babies were in the hospital for a week or two at most).  Anyway, one day we watched a young mother bring one of the RMH workers over to the freezer and point at the milk and say something.  My DH then ran into the mother who later asked if we'd taken any milk into the hospital with the wrong name.  No, we hadn't.  It seemed like someone had accidentally taken some of her milk.  Or so we thought.  But, it happened again a day or two later.  Someone was stealing her milk.  First off, as the mother, can you imagine?!  How horrible to have a baby in the NICU and know the only thing you're able to do is give her your breastmilk and have it taken.  Second, who in her right mind would take someone else's milk to give to her child when you have NO IDEA the medical status of that woman (for instance, the mother in question was a smoker).  I guess if you knew your own status was likely worse or if you weren't producing enough or (and this is the worst possibility) you didn't feel like pumping but wanted to take advantage of the free food at the hospital for nursing mothers.  I don't know.  Regardless, we quickly moved my "stash" to a friend's mother's freezer after that.

Lastly, Guinevere pointed out that I can't really blame myself for transferring two embryos when costs really inhibit SET with no insurance coverage.  Lack of insurance coverage for IF is one of my big pet peeves, so yeah, I get that.  Especially since, hey, I am definitely evidence that not helping pay for SET IVF will very likely cost you as an insurance company in the long run.  They have paid far more for our NICU stay than they would have for two years worth of monthly transfers.  Of course, in the end, while my employer still may have had to deal with the increased costs due to our NICU stay, we changed insurance companies in between IVF and birth.  So, one got off scott free and one got screwed...

little miss olive also dealt with exclusive pumping with her little girl and says she wishes she had cut herself some slack in the "must always pump" department.  I definitely get that and am trying to...  I really am!!

KC pointed out how jealous she feels of other twin mothers who were able to stay pregnant longer.  Oh, I totally get that!!  Every time someone mentions "my full term twins" or "oh, yeah, I understand, I only went to 36 weeks with my twins" or "oh, I was so big with my twins" I feel the greenest streak of jealousy.  So far every test has said that it is unlikely that my boys will have any major issues from being 8 1/2 weeks premature.  But, lots of things won't show up, yet, and I do fear that there will be secret developmental or behavioral issues lurking down the way.  It's hard to let go.  On the plus side, Missouri has an incredible program called "First Steps" where they work with parents of children under the age of 3 (i.e. before they get into special ed programs in school) who have or are more likely to have developmental issues due to low birthweight, genetic problems, etc.  They send a team of evaluators and occupational and physical therapists to your home to work with you and your child to give them the best start.  It may be as simple as having someone say "nope, your boys are fine" or "they need a little help -- here's what you can do at home."  S automatically qualifies because he was under 1500 grams at birth.  D was 1510 g, though, so he isn't an automatic qualifier.  But, he will likely qualify since he was on oxygen for so long.  You pay on a sliding scale and most people won't have to pay at all.

Dawn talked about tandem feeding being necessary but how sometimes it made her feel guilty because she couldn't hold her boys as much on their own and the double mommy guilt that comes from twins in general. Alex mentioned possibly feeding and pumping all at once to help save time.  First, yeah, mommy guilt is definitely out there!  And, double the babies, double the guilt.  Definitely.  Even feeding them one at a time, I feel guilty not being able to hold them afterward if I have to rush to the other one.

The biggest issue right now, though, is one I didn't mention before -- we can't really feed them simultaneously unless there are two of us around.  There are a few reasons -- the first is that we still have to watch them carefully to make sure that they don't have apnea events during their meals.  They are both MUCH better than before but haven't entirely grown out of their SSB issues.  We have to watch their color carefully and hold them in a side lying position at an angle with our hands on their backs feeling their breaths so we can pace them if we need to.  When they're sleepy or particularly hungry (and sucking really hard) they tend to stall out occasionally.  I'd say there's been a dramatic improvement in the last week or so, but we're still vigilant.  So, for now, we still have to have a one-to-one baby to parent ratio.

The other reason we have to feed them one-on-one is that D is dealing with some pretty severe reflux/gas.  About 3 out of 5 feedings involve him screaming bloody murder about halfway through the meal, arching his back and turning bright red in the face.  Sometimes he absolutely refuses the bottle altogether and won't eat even if he's obviously starving.  Sometimes he projectile vomits half of his meal.  He has to be paced very slowly through the feeding because when he goes quickly he has to burp more and burping brings up acid and makes him scream in pain again.  The gas and acid tend to "attack" again about an hour or two after the meal, too.  He's not a happy baby.  There is very little that will comfort him.  It hurts so much to watch him.  We're working with our doctor on altering my diet, working through some potential homeopathic meds and some anti-reflux anti-gas meds.  The zantac seems to finally be kicking in (I think we had to wait until his esophagus healed a bit after he'd started taking it) and he seems to be doing better.  But, we still have issues getting him through a meal.

Unfortunately, one of the other things that can be exacerbating the gas is caffeine -- they're still both on caffeine and apnea monitors.  The caffeine is weird in that the NICU doctor has them "growing out of" their dose -- rather than reducing the amount we give them, the amount stays the same but the dose per kilogram of body weight gets smaller as they get bigger.  It's taking FOREVER to work their way out of it.

(Side note -- that was true when I started this post about a week ago...  As of today, they're officially off the caffeine!!  Our pediatrician let us reduce the amount slightly and they've been growing quickly so last night was their last dose.  Now we have to keep them on the monitors for two more weeks as it leaves their systems so we can make sure they don't have any episodes.  I cannot wait to get rid of the monitors.  They give a degree of reassurance, but they are the biggest pain in the neck to carry around and have started to give more false alarms as the boys get bigger.)

pex pointed out a new policy in Massachusetts to eliminate free formula packs in all hospitals.  I read that Rhode Island did the same recently, too.  Other hospitals have done so voluntarily.  It's weird, my mind goes in multiple ways with this.  Yes, obviously the formula companies are entirely doing it for marketing.  They aren't really altruistic.  And, maybe there is a correlation between "sticking it out" breastfeeding and not having the free formula.  But, seriously, if your milk isn't coming in or you can't breastfeed for whatever reason (or, if you just don't plan to), let us come up with one more way to make mothers feel guilty, shall we?  As usual, I'm of the "live and let live" camp.  It infuriates me when someone tries to force their beliefs on someone else.  Education is what we need so that people can make their own decisions.  I'm of two minds with the ban -- yes, it does look like the hospital is endorsing the formula -- but I'm also very much against the idea that helping women have an alternative if they need it is SO wrong that we need to march against it!

someday-soon pointed out that I shouldn't obsess over our freezer milk supply to the point where we have tons left after the boys don't want it anymore.  But, what would I do if tiny baby bunnies showed up on my doorstep and needed milk like they did on yours?!  :)  (I seriously just love this story.)

Anonymous had an interesting point -- breastmilk composition changes over time to adapt to your growing babies' needs.  Maybe using our early frozen milk isn't really the best plan.  All the milk we have frozen is from when the boys were near to full term.  Still, not something I'd thought about before (although I knew about composition changes) and something to think about.  I would like to know more about what exactly of the composition changes over time -- is it ratios of fat, protein, etc.?  Is it antibodies?  I think as long as it isn't their entire food supply it's probably fine.  But, something new to obsess about and I always like to have something to obsess about... :)  (On the plus side, I don't think we've had to go into the stash for about two weeks.  Go, boobs, go!)

Finally, thanks to all for saying how cute and big our boys are!  I must say, I'm getting kind of tired of people asking how much they weigh now and then saying "oh, our baby/my nephew/some random kid was bigger than that when they were born!" or "I've never even seen a baby that small" and am very glad they're starting to get bigger than average newborns.  I think people really don't understand the concept of "adjusted age."  Babies who are born prematurely don't just suddenly become "normal sized."  But, people are also often shocked to hear how big they are.  Do they think they'll just stay 3 lbs their whole lives?  Eh, it's a carryover from the "you're so small for carrying twins!" routine.  (Although, I must say I have liked the "OMG, you sure don't look like you have 3 month old twins!!" comments... oak's pumparexia is a real thing.)

Speaking of growing babies:
This is D on May 19 in the NICU, the day after we brought him home (June 13, I think) and about two weeks ago.  He's closing in on 9 pounds!


Here's S as he grows, too.  He's just over 8 pounds, now.  It's really amazing to see how much they are looking like normal babies.

I could keep writing or editing but I'm going to hit publish, now.  Otherwise this will take forever...

Hey folks! Wow, it's been two and a half weeks, huh? The craziest part about that? It's been more than TWO weeks and I would have SWORN up and down that I just wrote my last post two or three days ago. I have no idea where the time has gone. Everyday I look up and suddenly it's 9 o'clock at night!

First off, to update my last post, every baby meal lately I start singing "Dr. Brown you've got a lovely bottle...lovely bottle!" a la Herman's Hermits. It's possible that I know far too many songs and that my mind responds way too easily to suggestion. Wouldn't it be nice if I could re-designate the memory slots in my brain that are being used for song lyrics and melodies for something more useful?

Things are going well. We're exhausted but happy (my DH is whining about it a bit too much -- what did he expect?). Most of our time right now seems dedicated to feeding the boys or thinking about feeding the boys. They're eating about every 3-4 hours during the day and, on a few glorious nights, every 5 hours at night. Each meal takes about an hour or so to feed them back to back. We occasionally feed them simultaneously but that doesn't usually bode well for nighttime when only one of us is "on" and one baby just HAS to wait his turn.

So, after about an hour of feeding two babies, it's generally time for me to pump. (Unfortunately that means that even when they sleep 5 hours I get about 3 hours of sleep max...but, hey, 3 hours!) I'm pumping for around 30 minutes at a time about 6-8 times a day. Pumping for twins feels like a full time job. I use a hospital grade double pump which works well but can sometimes be painful and my boobs can feel it. I've tried lots of options to make it easier -- changing breastshields, lanolin, speed, suction, amount of time, time in between, etc. -- some help, some don't.

I sometimes feel like I'm pumping to punish myself or to alleviate my guilt. No matter what I tell myself, I can't quite stop feeling guilty that they were so early. If we hadn't transferred two embryos, the remaining twin probably wouldn't have come as early (although the thought of not having either one of them hurts my soul), if I had pushed to be on bed rest earlier, if I had gone to the hospital earlier, if, if, if, if. While I can't say there's any one thing I did that made me go into premature labor, I can say that the combination of being 37, having IVF, having twins, etc. all contributed and those were all things I chose to do. I did everything I could to counteract those issues, but the fact remains that my boys wouldn't have been in the position they were if I hadn't put them there.

I think, also, that I'm determined not to "punish" either one of them for being a twin. I feel like, if there had only been one, then directly breastfeeding would have been more successful -- likely he would have come later and fed immediately and I would be able to focus on him individually and breastfeed whenever he needed it. So, I feel like I want to get as much breastmilk into them as possible.

Right now, I can nearly keep up with them, depending on the day. I generally get about 32-43 ounces out a day. Which is really quite a bit. If I had a singleton, my freezer would be FULL. But, right now they're eating around 42 ounces altogether, so that doesn't really quite cut it... We're supplementing about 4 ounces of formula per baby split up over their nighttime feedings. And, sometimes we go into my dwindling freezer stash from when they were in the NICU. I have a profound sense of failure every time we have to go into the stash. On the days when I have an excess, I feel like I've accomplished something.

(I will say that the special "bonus" of pumping is that it is about 3-4 hours a day where I can't do much of anything but sit still and relax. It's when I check blogs or watch junk TV or read magazines or play games on my iPad. It's my special treat.)

I guess it all has to do with changing the image I had of myself as a mother. I always thought of myself as a babywearing, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, baby food making type of mom. But, preemie twins have changed who I thought I'd be as a mother. I know that I COULD potentially still do all of that but I'm feeling pretty good right now if I manage to interact with each baby individually each day in the middle of all the rest of it. So, I'm doing the best that I can and, if I have to punish my boobs and spend hours a day hooked to a machine, that's what I'll do.

I hate that this sounds so negative. When I'm pumping, I try to think positive thoughts about how I'm continuing to do the best I can for my boys. Please don't think I mean anything negative about formula -- I truly don't. We'll be relying on it more and more as the babies grow. I thank G-d that there's such a thing out there. The most important thing is that our children eat and grow. That is all that matters.

I do find formula companies interesting, though. The breastmilk collection bottles and NICU info packets we used in the NICU were branded by Similac. The breastpumping log books provided in the NICU were branded by Similac. All with "breast is best" information alongside the "oh, and just in case..." And, infant formula must be the only product I can think of (other than, say, cigarettes) that essentially has warning labels telling you that you'd be better off if you didn't use it. The Enfamil newborn formula that we got from the hospital and are using right now has "Experts agree breastfeeding is best" in a box on the side like a tobacco warning! While, yes, that's true, what a bizarre thing to have to put on your product. All the literature that comes with the free formula the companies give out discuss breastfeeding first and then finally slide formula feeding in at the end. You get the feeling that the formula companies realize that the only way people will support their product is if they actively campaign against themselves.

Can you imagine other products labeled this way?

Tropicana orange juice: Warning, experts agree that growing your own oranges and juicing them daily is best. But, if you can't, Tropicana is OK.

It's the "please, use our product but if you feel like a failure every time you open a container we'll understand" method of marketing!

Anyway, this ended up a lot more meandering than I meant it to! I'm impressed I even wrote anything cohesive given the current state of my brain. (Um, that assumes it was cohesive...) I have NO desire to get into a "breast vs bottle" type of debate here. I am FIRMLY of the "do what you need to do to make sure your children are fed and happy and it is no one else's business" camp. I'm just doing what works best for me and my family.

And, hey, my kids are growing big and strong! We have a well baby visit tomorrow (poor kids will be getting shots, I believe), so we don't have "official" weights, yet, but our measurement at home last week has D at 8 pounds and S at nearly 7 1/2 pounds! Yes, to those with full term-ers that may seem small, but it's HUGE to us. They're starting to get little fat rolls and it makes me so incredibly happy to see. We're nearly 12 weeks old and 3 weeks adjusted age and they're doing incredibly well.

See?




That's D in yellow and S in stripes. Love.

The following songs have been stuck in my head due to baby products for weeks:

"One Week" by Barenaked Ladies -- because we live and die by the "itzbeen" timer. And, every time I say "it's been" (as in "honey, check the itzbeen"), it immediately is followed in my head by "...one week since you looked at me..." etc. The worst part of this is that the damn song was stuck in my head for the month or so prior to the babies' birth for reasons I've yet to figure out. I'd be walking along and "chickity China the Chinese chicken" would just pop into my brain and then the rest would come. I honestly can't even remember the last time I actually heard the song! This wouldn't be so annoying accept for a) when a song gets into my head it tends to fester there in an anxiety-ridden way that often keeps me from sleeping and b) BNL remind me of my ex-boyfriend who was OBSESSED with the band in an "I discovered them before they were cool" and "it's the 90s and I'll cover their songs at 'gigs' at coffee shops and bars while wearing my cool grunge flannel" kind of way. And, that's just annoying.

(As an aside -- the "itzbeen" is a wonderful thing. It has four "count up" timers that you can quickly reset to help you remember who last ate when, whose diaper was changed when, who got meds when, etc. We originally thought we'd want two for the two babies but one has been enough right now. We use one timer for each kid for meals and I use one to keep track of when I last pumped. You can set an alarm to go off when it's been (...one week since you... damnit) too long in between "events." We keep track of everything on paper, too, (because we're obsessive that way and it helps us communicate between us) but this is great especially when you're brain dead at night.)

"Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns N' Roses -- because we have lots of onesies and washcloths, etc. from Walmart's Carter's "Child of Mine" line. So, any time I change a baby's shirt or hang a washcloth on the line to dry I start hearing "oh, oh, oh, oh sweet child o' mi-i-i-ne" and am forced to start snaking back and forth in place like I'm Axl Rose when, in reality, I look more like Slash with my hair all poofy 'cause I haven't used any "product" in about 9 weeks.

(Another aside -- did you know that "onesie" is actually a trademarked name for Gerber products? Other onesie-like shirts are "bodysuits" or "creepers." Who knew? So, I'm lying in the paragraph above -- I don't have ANY Child of Mine "onesies"...)

"Oh, where do we go now?"

I don't know, check the itzbeen (one week since you...)

Oy.

That's right, we were officially at an adjusted age of zero yesterday -- i.e. yesterday was the boys' due date!!

It's a weird concept, this adjusted age thing. I mean, "term" for twins is generally considered about 36 weeks. So, if they'd been born at 36 weeks we wouldn't have used adjusted age at all. But, because they were early we count developmental milestones, size, etc. from their adjusted age starting from their actual due date. A date which they would definitely have been born before (my MFM would have done the scheduled C-section at 38 1/2 weeks or so due to my uterus issues).

It does make it difficult to figure out what "stage" they're supposed to be in at any given time. They're two months old but not really... But, it's not like they're really "one day" either. They are far more developed than a brand new baby but less than a normal two month old. I feel like we're just kind of guessing a lot at what they're supposed to be doing. I know there are a few of you out there who've had preemies -- do you have any book or website recommendations for any of this? My husband and I are "research" type people and we really feel like we're flying blind here. We've found a few possible books but we're not sure what would be most useful.

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I've also been thinking a lot lately about my lost spider baby. June 21st marked two years since we found out I was miscarrying and June 24th marks two years since the miscarriage. It's amazing to think about how far my life has changed since then and how these precious boys wouldn't be here if not for that loss. I'll never forget that first pregnancy. It changed me and made me appreciate these boys even more.

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Anyway, I suppose I'm going to go full-on mommy blogger here and record their milestones. This is mostly for me, though, so feel free to ignore...

At 2 months or 0 adjusted age, you're both changing by leaps and bounds.

We're going to start with sweet little S this time (just because you're "Baby B" doesn't mean you always have to be second!)




Our old analog baby scale puts you at 6 lb today! That's not a bad birth weight!! You're totally out of preemie clothes but you've still got a ways to grow before your preemie diapers or newborn clothes are too small. You are still our serious little guy. We love your little old man faces. Your grandma even commented on how serious and contemplative you look when she was visiting. You've been having more and more periods of wakefulness lately. Sometimes after a meal you stay awake for over an hour just taking in everything around you. I swear you smile at us. We'd really rather you didn't stay awake all the time, though, because then you get kind of cranky later and have "bad feeds" when you're sleepy. You still have a "witching hour(s)" from 9 pm to midnight or 2 am where you usually just won't be consoled unless you're being held. Sometimes nursing will put you right to sleep (although you have seriously got to remember that Mommy's nipples are not quite as resilient as the silicone ones and STOP BITING SO HARD!!). Usually, though, it takes Daddy holding you on his chest asleep while he watches the news. Is there anything sweeter than a baby sleeping on his daddy's chest? I don't think so.

You're still on all breast milk right now but that may change soon if you keep eating as much as you are! Your mom's boobs can only put out so much!! Your goal in life seems to be to hoard your milk. It ends up in all the adorable neck folds and even under your arms! You've got a case of baby acne (poor baby) but it seems to be getting better. You're not a big fan of bath time, yet, but it is the one time that you get to be a "free range" baby and are free of the annoying apnea electrodes.

Speaking of the apnea monitor -- you haven't had an event in a while! You do still have what we call "stalls" during feedings when you're not too awake. But, usually just quickly blowing on your face makes you come back around and start breathing again. We'd love if you could grow out of this soon, OK?

Other than some late night pouts, you're generally pretty easy going. When you're hungry or gassy, you fuss a little but are generally pretty easily consoled. You like to look at the pictures your daddy puts around your bassinet and the changing table. You've definitely figured out the connection between being changed and getting to eat as you quickly calm as soon as we pick you up off the table and get this excited look in your eyes. I love watching you chew your fingers in anticipation and clasp your hands around each other as you suck down your milk -- you're a STRONG sucker that's for sure.

You love your activity mat and have been rocking tummy time. You turned your head from one side to the other to follow me as I moved around. Nice neck muscles!!

We love you so much our sweet little old man!

Now for our darling little D:




At day "zero" you weigh in at nearly 7 lbs! How on earth did you get nearly a pound bigger than your brother? You're such a little chunky monkey!! (It's all relative...) You are still wearing your preemie diapers but they may not last for long. We've got a pack of newborns ready to go. You can still fit into all the newborn clothes, but the smaller ones are starting to look a little tight! We're going to have to go through our stash and set the bigger ones aside for you. Until a few days ago, you still were pretty much sleeping, screaming or eating. But, suddenly you've started to sit and observe calmly. It's great to see. For the most part, you're pretty good about falling asleep on your own. Sometimes, though, you just feel fussy for quite a while and will only sleep deeply if we hold you. I suspect you've been having some gas issues as you usually seem much relieved and calmer after some rather loud sounds come out of your bassinet!! (Daddy thinks I'm just blaming them on you... :) ) Sometimes, though, you just need to be held -- like right now when I've got you strapped to me in the Moby. You are also consoled by nursing at night. I'm not sure how much milk you actually get out of the process, but it at least relaxes you.

You, my dear, have got quite a set of lungs on you. You've continued to live up to your pterodactyl nickname. It amazes me just how loud and high pitched you can be! We can hear you start to build up to full on shrieking and we rush to get to you before you get yourself into a tizzy. Diaper changing time continues to be the ultimate form of torture. I try to talk to you in a calm, soothing voice and hold your arms close to your body to calm you down. Sometimes it seems to work for a second. But, man, you'd think we were stabbing you repeatedly on the changing table!

You're also still on all breastmilk and sucking it down! The doctor was amazed at how much you eat at each session -- guess that's where all that extra weight comes from. I love how you pull my hand toward you with the bottle. But, woe onto us if we are moving a little slowly in getting the food to you. Or if we take too long switching between bottles (the first one has your meds in it -- shhh, you didn't hear that). You've finally gotten better at burping but we still can't quite control the spit-up.

Your apnea monitor is MAKING US CRAZY. We've had two "real" alarms -- one while I was holding you and one while I was burping you. We're not sure, though, that either was actually accurate as you seemed fine both times. We know that your shallow breathing sometimes isn't picked up by the monitor. And, for the burping one, it seems like burping you changes how the monitor picks up your heartrate. The annoying part, though, is that we keep getting line and signal faults. We can't figure out if it is the electrodes or something with the monitor itself. It's starting to be the monitor that cried wolf, though. I can't wait until we can chuck the damn thing!!

I can't tell you how much I love holding you. You lift your head up and look around -- your neck is getting so strong! You're just such a solid little chunk and the weight of you on my chest is so reassuring. Your breathing calms down and so does mine. I just feel so relaxed and certain. I love looking at how peaceful you look in my arms.

We love you so much our adorable pterodactyl!

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And, now? The Itzbeen says it's probably time to feed you both and to pump. Shocking, I know!

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We're home!!!

(That's screaming D on the left and angry S on the right.)

There are babies in our house. Our babies. In our house. At home. With us.

Take home babies.

It's incredible.

We had a little ceremony to celebrate the removal of our battered green NICU bracelets (there was strawberry shortcake and sparkling cider involved):











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Thank you all so much for your comments on the last post. And, seriously, practice CPR. We're going to arrange another course for ourselves and anyone who might take care of the boys. Right now, I try not to think too much about the details of what happened or what could have happened. I can think of it as an "event" in the past but not of the specifics. The details bring it all back and I start to feel the panic again.

Everybody is doing well. We got home late Wednesday last week. D was finally released from the hospital after 6 weeks and 6 days. I am so thankful to be in my own home after 48 nights of living out of a suitcase. We're settling into a routine with the babies that is working pretty well for us. We are incredibly lucky that we are both "off" for the summer, so my DH and I are able to rotate nights "on" with the boys. They generally sleep for about 2 1/2 to 4 hours at a stretch. As much as we can, we try to keep them on the same schedule. Otherwise, we end up feeding one or the other pretty much 24 hours a day!

Right now, they're still exclusively getting breast milk. More bottles than nursing, though. Which, of course, means that when I'm not feeding or holding one then I'm likely pumping. My supply right now is just enough to keep up with them -- it's not increasing much anymore, though, (lack of sleep seems to be the most likely culprit) so we're probably going to have to start supplementing with a bottle or two of formula a day relatively soon. Which I'm fine with. I want to continue to pump as much as I can for as long as I can. It is practically a full time job to produce enough milk for twins, though.

Here's an official update on the boys at 7 1/2 weeks old. Today is, after all, 39 weeks! :)

D -- Last week, D was 5 lb 13 oz. We have a check-up tomorrow and I'd bet he has crossed the 6 lb mark by now. He looks huge to us! He has a round face and solid little body and looks out at us with giant eyes. After nearly 6 weeks of breathing difficulties (he still breathes a little faster than he should), he finally came off of all oxygen support and now likes to let us know that his lungs are perfectly fine thankyouverymuch as he SCREAMS at an incredible volume when he's upset. I swear he sounds like a pterodactyl (as if I knew what that sounded like...) Generally, though, that's just when he's hungry or suffering the outrageous indignity that is a diaper change. He's starting to be awake a little more and looking around at everything. He loves to be held on his tummy looking over our shoulders.

S -- At last measure, S was 5 lb 3 oz. It's funny what a big difference 10 oz will make when it's such a large percentage of your body weight! He looks tiny compared to his brother. S is still our silent observer. He's actually fussier than D in general. But, he's usually more easily consoled. He has been dealing with some reflux but smaller, more frequent meals and a little zantac seem to be helping. And, even when he's upset, he's never as loud as D. S likes to look at everything around him. He looks very concerned when he's checking things out. We call him our serious old man. He loves to lie on our chests.

S is still dealing with the issues that led him to the ER. Essentially, he hasn't quite mastered the SSB (suck-swallow-breathe) cycle. Usually, he's fine. But, at almost every feeding, there's a point where he just kind of drifts off for a bit. Either he's sleepy or he's just distracted or overwhelmed and he just stops breathing. Sometimes you have to pace him and can get him going again just by taking the bottle out of his mouth. He'll stay paused a few more seconds and then suddenly start to breathe again. But, other times he won't and we'll have to poke his foot or blow in his face to jar him back into breathing. The apnea monitor will go off if he hasn't taken a breath in 20 seconds. Most of the time we get him going before then. Sometimes he gets a little dusky gray before he goes again and makes a terrible choking sound as he starts to breathe again. D actually does it, too, but he tends to re-start himself a little more easily.

At this point, it doesn't really phase us to have to get them breathing again (although I do have a little adrenaline rush of anxiety every single time) because we realize what's happening. The first day we had S home after the time in the pediatric unit it was happening at every feeding (and the doctors hadn't realized it was an issue, yet, because it wasn't happening at the hospital since he was on the pulse ox monitor and everyone was subconsciously using that to cue into when he needed to take a pause). I was having anxiety attacks over feeding my son because I was afraid he was going to die every time. That's not really a good thing. He's getting better and doesn't have "stalls" as frequently. And, we're more confident.

Right now, though, it does mean that we're the only ones who can feed either one of them. Probably true for another 5 weeks or so until they really grow out of this.

My husband has been incredible. I mean, I always thought he'd be a good father but he's never been great with changes to his routine or mess that wasn't under his control. But, yeah, he's more than stepped up to the plate and has been amazing. And, I love, love, love watching him holding them and feeding them and talking to them lovingly. I can't help but smile and cry with happiness.

Anyway... I should probably post this before it becomes even more epic. I've been trying to write it since last week. Or the week before. Or something like that.

But, yeah, I'm home and my babies are home and I'm exhausted but I'm INCREDIBLY happy.

I will start this off by saying everyone is fine. It has a happy ending.

But, I will also say, that there has never been a time in my life where I was more afraid. Terrified. So scared that, when it was all over, I nearly passed out when the adrenaline left my system.

This will read like a public service announcement. I never thought this would happen to me.

Learn infant CPR. Practice it.

We "roomed in" with S on Thursday night and he did really well. He didn't let us sleep much -- but that's to be expected. We spent Friday night with him at the Ronald McDonald House and he did great.

Anyway, Saturday morning we moved out of the RMH (due to our 30 day kick out) and moved into a friend's mother's house. We visited D at the hospital multiple times. S hung out in his old bassinet next to his brother. At 10 o'clock, we took S "home" for the night.

I tried breastfeeding him but he only seemed interested in playing with the boob. He was obviously hungry, though, so we warmed up a bottle after some time of trying to get him to latch on. He was sucking down the milk (he is a champion sucker) when I looked over at him and realized that he had stopped sucking but had a mouthful of milk. I sat him up to try to drip it out and he just flopped over. Completely limp. A rag doll. I looked at his face more closely and he was blue (we were in a dimly lit room so I hadn't noticed before). I screamed for my husband and asked him "is he blue?" He screamed "yes!" and we started to panic.

We started to do everything in the hospital mandated Infant CPR video. We tapped him on the foot. We turned his frighteningly limp body over onto my leg with his head down and started hitting him on the back (at the time we thought he was choking). Nothing. He wasn't breathing or even gasping. His eyes were open but glazed. He was still blue. We turned him back over and started chest compressions. I put my mouth over his nose and mouth and breathed for him. We turned him over again. And again. He twitched. He started to move. Somewhere in there he took a few gasping breaths. And then stopped. And then a few more breaths. And stopped.

Finally, he started to breath consistently. Finally, he regained his color. Finally, he made a sort of gasping cry. Finally, he started to really cry. Finally, he went back to normal. Completely normal.

It may have been 30 seconds. It may have been 5 minutes. We really have no idea. Just writing this out is bringing it back to me and I'm starting to panic just thinking about it. At the time I remember a lot of screaming and a lot of yelling "no, no, I don't know what to do!" at my husband. We both did CPR but I truly don't know what I would have done if I had been alone. I was so incredibly scared that my brain was starting to shut down.

We talked to the NICU resident on call who, after I explained that we'd just taken him from the NICU the day before and that he was a preemie and that he'd stopped breathing and we'd revived him with CPR, said to me "is this your first baby?" in that obnoxious tone reserved for overreacting mothers. We were not overreacting. If we hadn't breathed for him, our child would have died. Plain and simple.

We brought him to the emergency room (with my hand on his chest the entire way afraid he'd stop breathing again) where they hooked him to a monitor and he was perfectly normal. Normal pulse ox, normal heart rate. Everything. We talked to the doctor and she confirmed our suspicions (now that we were calm and able to think about what was happening before) that he'd had an apnea event -- it wasn't that he choked, he just stopped breathing. Preemies do this sometimes. It's actually called "Apnea of Prematurity." They won't let you out of the NICU if you've had an "episode" within 7 days. S hadn't had one for more than 3 weeks.

After a chest x-ray, we were back in the exam room, and they said we could go ahead and try to feed him since he was obviously hungry (it was about 2 am and this had all started at 11 pm). My breasts were engorged and he was starving, and he latched on immediately and started going to town for about 15 minutes. Milk was everywhere.

Then, the nurse came into the room and noticed that they had forgotten to put him back on the monitor. As she reconnected him, I noticed that he'd stopped sucking. I looked down at him and he was turning gray. His pulse ox plummeted and his heartrate dropped. Again. He went limp. Again. We flipped him over. Tapped his foot. He gasped then stopped. The nurse started waving oxygen in front of him. After about 25 seconds, he started to revive and breathe normally. Then cry. All his numbers leaped back to normal. It had happened again. (Yeah, we were overreacting. Dumb-ass resident.)

They readmitted him. Apologizing to us that they needed to. Uh, yeah, at this point we're fine with that, thank you. Because he'd left the NICU, they couldn't bring him back there because of the infection risk. Of course, that's silly because they'd already allowed him in and out several times to visit his brother. So, now he's upstairs in the pediatric wing. Other than making it incredibly difficult to be with both him and D, it's actually a nice place to be. We have our own room with pull out sofas. I have my own rocking chair to hold him and my own breast pump. We "went to bed" around 6 am Sunday morning.

They kept him on NG (tube) feeds for the day and then let us start PO (oral) feeds Monday. The speech pathologist gave him his first PO feed and declared him a champion feeder. (Speech pathologists specialize in speech and swallowing -- who knew?) Saw him "desat" (pulse oxygen goes down) a few times, but nothing too scary. Said we could go back to feeding him on demand. They put him back on caffeine which they use to stimulate breathing. He's breastfed and bottle fed with gusto now with no issues.

Why did it happen? NO idea. It never had happened before. He'd never had any issues with feeding orally which is why they'd pushed us out the door so quickly after he started. The only thing we can come up with is that he was overwhelmed and overtired and had one too many things to do -- feeding and breathing is difficult and the "suck-swallow-breathe" rhythm is a skill that has to be learned. (His brother is just starting PO feeding now that he's finally off the oxygen (YAY!) and is struggling to remember to stop sucking occasionally to breathe. We usually have to pull the nipple from his mouth every three sucks or so to make sure he breathes.) They don't think he aspirated or choked or anything like that. He just stopped breathing. There might have been some reflux. Or something. Or nothing. They just don't know. Not particularly confidence inspiring.

He'll be given an apnea monitor to take home when he leaves again. (Tomorrow we believe.) Since all of his "events" have been associated with feeding, it will be most useful in giving us a bit of warning if he's doing it again and giving us peace of mind. Although, one doctor we talked to said it goes off so often when nothing is wrong that it actually makes you more paranoid. D will likely get one, too, when he is released (not sure when -- we're hoping by the weekend) because he'll still be on the caffeine, too, and they won't let you leave while being on caffeine without a monitor.

So, yeah, I can't emphasize enough -- learn infant CPR. We had set up a session to learn it but I went into labor before we could do it. Thank G-d that the hospital requires all new parents to watch a training video before discharge. I had learned it 20 years ago as a lifeguard, but that was a LONG time ago. No one will ever be allowed to watch our children who has not been trained in infant CPR. We're not paranoid. We've seen that it CAN happen. We didn't do the most "textbook" version of CPR, but we did it and it worked.

As I said before, everything is fine. I've never been more scared in my life. But, we reacted in an emergency and everything is fine. I really don't want to think about what could have happened.

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Because we can't do anything around here with any sort of warning -- we were told at 11 this morning that S is going home tomorrow which means we're "rooming in" with him tonight (i.e. spending the night with him alone in a hospital room as if we had just given birth).

This is wonderful, incredible news but causing major chaos. We're still living in the Ronald McDonald house and reach our 30 day mandatory 24 hour kick out on Saturday (after which we'll get back on the wait list (which is really long right now) and try to get back in with S while we wait for D to be ready to come home sometime in the next few weeks). If they had told us yesterday that we'd be leaving today (and we've been here long enough to see that EVERYONE ELSE around us has been given at least 24 hours warning before rooming in so we're more than a little annoyed) then I would have packed up and checked out this morning. But, they didn't so I didn't. And, my DH has been back home for the past three days and wasn't going to get down here until tonight.

So we had to rush a bunch of things that had to be done before we could have a baby in a dorm room for one day and then in a hotel for a while -- double up on all the stuff we have at home for them, get a pack and play, etc. And the hospital has had to rush us through the check out things they hadn't been planning on doing with us, yet, because the new doctor sprung this on everyone today and no one was ready. Our nurse and the social worker were quite pissed, actually.

They say we're allowed to bring him back in with us when we come to visit D every day. We believe they're going to leave his bassinet set up next to D's so we can have him nap in it and I'll still feed him in the lactation room. It's going to be a bit crazy, but it should work.

And, after the dust settles and we figure out what on earth we're going to do for housing once we're kicked out and still waiting for D to come home, I'm taking "home" a baby tomorrow!!!

And that is an incredible, long awaited thing. I can't believe it.

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My twins are one month old! And 36 weeks! S is doing well and doing a great job with the PO feedings -- nursing when I'm there (getting better at it every day -- I love it so much). D is still having breathing issues. For a brief moment they put him on low flow air and let me try to feed him. He did fine but then a new doctor nixed the low flow thing and, therefore, the oral feedings. Hopefully he'll start to head back up soon. D is over 5 pounds now and S is over 4.5! They look "huge." :)

Now, in honor of their one month birthday on Sunday the 27th, here's their birth story...

(This'll be long. I need to get it all down for myself. Feel free to skim or ignore...)

So, it all started around 5:30 on Friday evening, April 27th. I was lying around on the sofa, you know, like I'd been for the past three weeks. Looking back, now, maybe I was feeling more regular contractions than before. The guilty part of me that thinks that I could have somehow stopped this from happening if I'd paid more attention. But, truly, they didn't feel particularly intense and they weren't any more frequent than they had been two days before when I was on the monitor and got an "everything's status quo" from the MFM. (Although, oddly enough, I'd also asked him "what do I do if my water breaks?" Who knew.)

Anyway, at 5:30, I started feeling like something was wet.. I kept thinking it was not me peeing in my pants (although that happened a lot, too) but I really wasn't sure. I thought "well, I'll give it an hour and if it still feels weird like this then I'll call L&D." I went to the bathroom and prayed that it really was just urine. Back on the sofa, I noticed a trickle again and tried to call my DH but he wasn't answering his phone. All of the sudden, I just felt it all let loose and started screaming "no, no, no" as I ran to the bathroom. I had my phone in my hand and tried, again, multiple times to call my DH but no answer.

In classic TV sitcom style, I knew where he was -- it was Friday, the last day of classes, and he was out with our friends at the bar for happy hour. So, I quickly looked up the bar phone number, while sitting on the toilet leaking amniotic fluid, and called. When the guy answered the phone, I told him I needed to talk to my husband and that it was an emergency. He kind of laughed and said "it'll be a minute it's really busy." I calmly (yeah, probably not so calmly) said "no, I'm pregnant and my water just broke, I need my husband." I'm not sure he believed me. When does that ACTUALLY happen? I was about to tell m either to find my husband or I was coming to the bar trailing amniotic fluid to get him when he finally started wandering the bar looking for my husband. I can't imagine my DH's panic as he heard someone saying his last name over and over again in a loud noisy bar. Ironically, a few minutes before his sister had called and he had looked at the phone and ignored it and said to our friends "you can't ignore the phone when your wife's 8 months pregnant." Somehow, my calls weren't coming through, though.

Anyway, when I hung up with him, I called L&D and told them we were coming. My DH called the on-call OB who works with my MFM 90 miles away. When we got to the local hospital, my DH started checking us in while I ran upstairs. They immediately took me back and said my OB (the local one) was on the way. They got me on the monitor and then we all waited. Hmm. Where was she? Her office was just next door. They called. She, apparently, didn't believe that I was in labor. (She has been convinced all along that my MFM was being overly cautious and has told me multiple times that a short cervix and positive FFN and contractions don't mean much in a twin pregnancy. Hmm. Who was right?) She wasn't coming over until the nurses did a swab test to prove that it was amniotic fluid. They all rolled their eyes as they helped me take off my pants and the giant Poise pad that was heavy with fluid. When they put the swab in, I just started gushing more and more. It was ridiculous.

Anyway, she finally showed up and you could tell she was a little bit cowed by the whole thing. They brought in the u/s machine and I was beyond relieved to see everyone's heartbeats. Baby A's fluid was obviously mostly gone and Baby B was taking advantage of the new space by flailing about. At about 7 o'clock she did an internal exam (with just a speculum because she didn't want to trigger anything with my cervix) and I was dilated 2 cm. The hope was that we could possibly stabilize me enough to get me down to the "big city" hospital where there was a NICU and they could potentially keep me pregnant for a little longer if Baby A had enough fluid. I kept clinging to that possibility. The fear was, though, that I'd give birth in the ambulance (the helicopter wasn't really an option because that would be worse and it was stormy). If they put me on mag sulfate to slow the process, I could have had a blood pressure drop on the way which might have been worse.

Looking back at it now, there really wasn't a chance of stopping what had started. My guilty mind, once again, thinks there was. If they could have just gotten in touch with my MFM, he would have known the magic thing that would have made it all OK. Of course he wouldn't have. But, I just wanted to hear a doctor I trusted say "Nope, you've got to deliver her there."

Anyway, the monitor was showing that Baby B's heartrate was decelerating with contractions and that wasn't good. And, after another hour, the OB checked and my cervix was at 4 cm and was starting to shift forward and she could see Baby A's head. Yeah, we weren't going anywhere. My blood pressure was spiking up and it was just time. It must have been about 8 o'clock when she put me on mag sulfate and got the NICU transport team (who'd been waiting for the call) to hop in the ambulance and head toward town. The mag sulfate was enough to make me all woozy and weird and did lower my blood pressure but didn't seem to make much of a difference in the contractions -- contractions which were now accompanied by pressure in my pelvis. Which was bad because, as the nurse pointed out, 31 week old babies don't need 10 cm dilation to get out. And, I couldn't go into active labor because there was still the worry that my uterus would rupture along the scar from my myomectomy.

Meanwhile, we called family and my parents started packing to get on the road from Atlanta. It was so surreal. We had to sign paperwork. They asked me questions. I was in complete denial that it was happening. I couldn't stop shaking. Whenever they left us alone I just cried to my DH about how I didn't want this to happen. I was so incredibly scared. He was wonderful and kept trying to make me feel better about it. But, I just couldn't believe that anything was going to be OK at this point.

Apparently I'd arrived in the middle of a shift change, but no one was allowed to leave the hospital because who knew how much help we'd need. So, we had two shifts worth of nurses following us around. Luckily, no one else seemed to be in labor or it would have been even more chaotic.

The moment the NICU team arrived at the hospital, they wheeled me down to the OR. (Well, actually, they'd already wheeled me down once before because of confusing directions by the OB, but we'd gone back.) The amazingly nice anesthesiologist explained the spinal block to me and then I was lying on the table with my arms spread out and a curtain up and all I could think was "it's too early." My DH showed up and held my hand and, suddenly, there were about a dozen people in the room. Three for each baby, the OB, her surgical nurse and three anesthesiologists. In moments, they had me cut open and I could hear Baby A crying and someone saying 2140 (the time) -- apparently his head was lodged so far down in my pelvis that it was bruised. That is where he'd been for about four months. I saw nothing as they took him to the table to work on him. Then I felt more tugging and Baby B was out at 2141. He didn't cry at first, but cried by the time they got to the table. I asked my DH "did he cry, is that him?" And, he kissed me and said "yes."

My DH looked over the sheet and saw them playing with my uterus to deliver the placentas and look it over. I heard the doctor say something about "wow, that's thin." And the nurse said "when did she have that surgery done?" Later, the doctor said she didn't think my uterus could have stretched much more. So, I suppose it was just time. She also told me that my myomectomy scar had healed badly and was very puckered.

Anyway, within minutes, half the room was empty as they whisked the babies away. I never saw Baby B as he was at my feet. Our pediatrician (who is an incredibly sweet man who later offered to take care of our cat while the boys are in the hospital), was in charge of Baby A and he put him next to my face for the briefest of moments -- I saw his open eyes for just a second. My DH went with the NICU teams to the nursery where they started their work to stabilize the babies for the trip to the NICU 90 miles away.

Suddenly, it was quiet and the only people around were two anesthesiologists, the OB and her nurse. And, of course, me, shaking to death. The main anesthesiologist was incredibly nice and kept talking to me and asking how I was. I was shaking uncontrollably and he gave me demerol which was miraculous. Then, the second anesthesiologist started chatting with me. He asked what area of chemistry I taught and then we talked about quantitative titrations. He said I was the calmest person he'd ever seen getting a c-section. But, honestly, I didn't know what else to be. I couldn't think about what was happening with my children and I was being tugged back and forth at the waist and it was just weird. Then the doctor and nurse started chatting about buying chicks for their kids to raise. The nurse said when she asked her 3 year old what to call the chick he said "Fried."

All the men in the room started volunteering their first names for our boys. My DH said that the NICU medic also volunteered his. It was kind of funny.

After an hour, they dropped the curtain and the doctor showed me the babies' placentas (which had fused into one) and cords. Apparently Baby B's cord was all lumpy. It was weird looking. I don't know what it meant, but it wasn't just a smooth cord.

They wheeled me past the nursery but couldn't even hold the babies up for me to see. So, I just headed to recovery and hung out with the nurse as she monitored my vital signs and started me on the morphine pump. I don't remember a lot of what was going on after that except that people poked me occasionally to see where I could feel and doctors popped in and out to see how things were going. When my DH came into the room, he said he'd been with the babies for four hours with the NICU team. I have no idea how that happened. He showed me pictures of the babies and told me how big they were. When I asked which was which, he said "you would say that..." because he couldn't remember! (We figured it out about a week later after some major detective work.)

They came in and told us the babies were doing well and brought them in for a brief moment in their portable NICU units. Basically, gurneys that had everything you'd need to stabilize a preemie. Scary looking. I got to briefly touch Baby A and then Baby B as they lay there limply looking so tiny. Then they were taken away.

I felt empty and scared. It was 2 in the morning. They were gone.

To be continued...


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