Yes, I tried that too...

The year started out with the decision to get serious about TTC. We had hoped for a happy surprise for a year or so before that. But in January, we were serious. I was charting, temping, OPK's, M had a SA, I had bloodwork. We were ready!
I was so sure it would just happen that I was worried about getting x-rays on my teeth during my 2ww. Ahhhh... so 12 months later here we are. I just knew it would happen fast, for me. I am an overachiever for goodness sakes. I am a September baby and anticipated an October baby at the latest.

2003-2007 no baby talk. If it happens, it happens, but I am having fun being married.
2008: The cutesy and hopeful chit chat about babies and tummies, and blah blah blah
Fast Forward 4 months, me sobbing, him frustrated, Why can't we GET pregnant? I can't handle this M you have not to get IN THERE and show them where they are supposed to go.
Now our conversations about babies are about getting pregnant. Very little baby talk. We talk about how and when will we conceive, if there is a loss, what do we do, what are the next steps. That is our "Let's make a baby" conversation.
For Example:
Here is my first post when we had started to TTC on PURPOSE!!!
Jan. 2008 Deb says:

Well, we decided to make a baby! After almost 5 years of marriage and over 8 years together, we think we are grown up enough! We have hit the mark financially, have the house, health is in order and we love each other more everyday... so this is it.
Wow! We are kind of freaking out. Today is the first day of my chart, so this is my first day officially trying to make a baby.
I am loving my husband right now. He is so smart, brave, strong, funny, kind, and thoughtful. I hope our baby has all of that and his blue eyes.
Tonight we talked about baby things at dinner. We talked about possible Godparents for the first time. We are thinking Misty and Mike. I guess we have some time to decide. We talked about what car to buy and where to put the nursery. Matt has been looking at baby furniture online and thinking about baby stuff. He was so excited to fill out the calendar! He has really educated himself about making a baby, he never realized how hard it could be under perfect circumstances. He wanted me to go to the gym tonight with him, but I am going to train all this week. I have to get ready for that. We have been reading about how important fitness is to pregnancy, delivery and a fast recovery.
OMG, we are going to do this! "

Deb Jan 09 says:
Yah.... Ummm slow down there cowgirl.

Well, I am moving into 2009 feeling positive. I have to believe that next year will bring good health, happiness, and peace to my friends and family.
I met with my doctor today and he mentioned that I really need to get my body in order to make the most of the IVF attempts. So, that will be what I am working on in the next two months as I prepare for IVF.
I have been an insomniac for over 14 years. I took massive doses of NyQuil for years and then I have tried everything under the sun that is OTC and prescribed. I currently take Melatonin and Ambien when I need it, which is most of the week. Although I am not addicted, I am emotionally dependant on medications to help me sleep. I am going to cut out caffeine (which I need to do for IVF anyway) and start good sleep habits. It is just so much easier to keep doing what I have always done and rely on a quick fix in the form of a pill. So, starting tomorrow, it is time for me to grow up. I don't care if it has been a life time of bad habits. It has to stop, so that I can do the best for my baby.
Edited to add that my step-father has cancer, I just found out. We are hopeful that radiation will get it. He is 80 so, I am not sure how much longer he has, but my prayer is that my mom doesn't suffer trying to take care of him.
On that note, I am going to bed.

M was getting ready for bed last night and I started to sing, "Hate Me" by Blue October. I have a terrible voice, but I sing anyway, not in a serious way of course.

I sang the part: "Hate me in ways" and I hear "I am starting to" from him. We both started laughing hysterically. My DH is the funniest man in the world. I fell in love with him because of his humor and I stay madly in love with him because of his humor.

I took my first 100mg of Clomid tonight. I can't believe I am going backward in my treatment. Since injectables worked giving me 4-6 mature follicles and IUI didn't succeed I doubt this will. My justification is that I have the pills, I can't start IVF for a month anyway, and I would love to save the $15,000. I didn't realize it would come with side effects, I am starting to rethink this Clomid thing.

So, Christmas Eve we volunteered with the Angel Project. We helped 400 homeless at the Hyatt where they were staying. I loved watching my DH talking with people, smiling and picking up plates, holding hands, and patting shoulders. In spite of losing his job, we are grateful for each other, our families, friends. I was just overwhelmed with gratitude for what we have, I started to cry (like an ugly cry) when we were cheering as people were entering. M had Kleenex ready, he knows me too well.
On Christmas Day we volunteered at a shelter and saw a bunch of the same people. They were so gracious. We went to lunch with a group from TE and had a nice day. It was a great way to spend the holiday. I didn't cry this time.
The only differences between us and them are life skills and family support. A lot of the homeless are educated and have employment. I could go on and on about the stories I heard. I walked away feeling closer to DH and my family. I see Christmas different now. The people we met wished they were with their family and friends. It wasn't about a warm bed and food, it was about being with others on a day that is so lonely for most.

So much to say... first... we had an appointment with Dr. G today. I feel really bad for him, he should be taking a vacation. Anyway, I asked to try Clomid for this last break cycle. We are really worried about going on birth control and I can't start Lupron until next month.
So, instead of this being a wasted month, and since 60 months of trying naturally hasn't worked, we thought we would try it for fun. No IUI, just Clomid. I had the hundredth internal ultrasound and he found that my endometrioma is growing. It looks huge, like almost the size of my whole ovary. He sighed and said he is going to consider that with the treatment. He had mentioned to me in a previous visit that with IVF med's your ovaries swell and that endometrioma can rupture. Not deadly, but it could effect my fertility and I could lose that ovary. He removed the other one, but left this one because he didn't want to destroy so my healthy tissue. So, here we go. A futile attempt, to save $15,000 and hope for a miracle. My Dr. just shrugged his shoulders and said sure, go for it. See you next month!

More flipping out... I am just so sad and angry. I am so tired of people being rude and inconsiderate. I am tired of someone, needing a baby aspirin and claiming they know what I am going through. I lost a baby at 11 weeks. It happened years ago, I don't like to talk about it, we don't publicize it. I feel like it was my fault, that is as far as I will go in explaining it all.

The reason I bring this up is that as much as I have struggled to get pregnant, I don't pretend to understand what someone with Azooaspermia, meaning NO sperm, are going through. It is different and though I feel pain, I can't imagine what that must be like. Still, most of us with true infertility, meaning can't get pregnant on their own, can sympathize. I produce eggs they just don't get fertilized, I don't pretend to understand what it must be like not to ovulate. It sucks all the way around.

So, there is this feeling of entitlement in the IF community. Because you have had a tough time, you can be an a-hole to others. I go to the baby showers, I see ALL of my friends getting pregnant, the many Christmas cards with their kids proudly featured, I face that this is their reality. Someday, I will have a big fat belly with a baby in it, God willing. When I go out, there will be women who give me that sad, wanting , jealous look. They will have no idea that I went through the 50+ blood draws, 30 + self injections of medication, 20+ internal ultrasounds, IUI's, multiple surgical proceedures, broken hearts, disappointment, anger, and up to $25,000 out of pocket for all of this (all in 1 year mind you). This is my path. There are no guarantees.

I can't Sh** on someone else, because they got pregnant easily, or with little help. That is their path. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to see it, but that is their path, this is mine.

I need a drink.

Just documenting a sweet moment from tonight. I took a long bath and enjoyed the latest issue People. He opened the door to the bathroom and brought in my robe. He had warmed it up in the dryer so that I would be warm when I got out of the bathtub.
He does the sweetest stuff all the time, but this is one of the moments that he was inspired to do something extra for me. He always walks on the outside, opens doors, brings me dinner in bed, fills up the car, I am really lucky to have him. He drives me crazy sometimes, but he treats me like a princess. I love him for that.

Another cycle is coming to an end with a BFN. I am expecting AF any day now and realize that again we failed to get pregnant. I am so disappointed, because I had hoped that we would have a surprise announcement to make on Christmas day.

Oh, well. IVF here we come. I have just been in such a bah-humbug mood lately. We are volunteering the 23, 24 and 25th. Maybe that will put me in a better mood.

On a another note, my elfster secret santa sent me a lovely package with gifts!! Yay! I got a special bracelet that I can engrave, it is silver with pearls and I got some snowman candles and a salt and pepper shaker. I am going to wear my bracelet to every treatment and test for good luck. I feel so special and loved. I love my bump ladies so much! I couldn't go through all of this with out them.

So we are in Fort Worth, while I am conducting a two day training with the new reps. The guy who was supposed to cover this class couldn't drive down from Oklahoma because of the ice. The new reps are not experienced to conduct the class. I asked them to learn a small portion, like one feature and teach that portion. Guess who did the whole 5 hour class by herself?

I love to train, so it is not a big deal, but I missed out on my Bunco group Christmas party. I feel like such a flake. I couldn't get out of Fort Worth in time to drive back home, it is over an hour with out traffic (53 miles) and I would have to drive back tonight so that I could be at the class by 7:50am tomorrow morning. I sent a text message from my new phone to the hostess and she didn't get it, because I programmed her number in wrong. This is the third one I have missed because of work or something, I am sure they are going to kick me out. I love those girls, they are so much fun to hang out with.
I have had a lot of bumps and bruises with girlfriends in the past three years, so I am a bit on guard. I shouldn't be, but I am.

Anyway, I have been so irritable today, Poor M, I have been snapping at him. He has been really talkative, and I just want to say, "Could you STFU?" I am trying to read the message boards for God's sake. He has been watching videos on You Tube and laughing out loud, GRRRRRRRR... Breathe... Breathe...
He made me go see, "The Day the World Stood Still" um... not my style of movie. That is all I will say.
I am grateful he is able to travel with me, but I am used to my alone time in hotels.
I am going to get ready for bed. I can't wait to get home.

We had such a wonderful time last night. We went to a Christmas party at the house of a billionaire last night. It was unbelievable. I can't even describe it, it must have cost $750,000 to put on. They had tents that were as big as a football fields set up in the backyard, by backyard I mean 9 acres. They were set up on platforms, I am talking tent after tent, with food, a whole area dedicated to desert, and one for the entertainment. The bathrooms were VERY nice port-a-pottys in a trailer, but you would have never guessed that what it was. They rivaled anything you might find in a nice restaurant bathroom.
I am NOT exaggerating when I say it cost at least $750,000, although it was probably more. You couldn't put down a glass without someone running up and taking it or offering you something else. I bet there were 2000+ people there. I doubt I will ever see anything like it again. They had well over 200 servers, bartenders, and event staff. There were over 50 valet guys.
The opening act was The Guess Who (they originally sang American Woman and some other stuff) with the guy from Bachman Turner Overdrive (Taking Care of Business). They had a popular Beetles Tribute band playing in another tent. The main concert was with the Moody Blues. They were soooo good. I love the song "Nights in White Satin!"

The best part of the night was seeing my dad so happy, and having so much fun. These are the times I will cherish when he is gone. Hopefully, we will have 30 more years of good times like this.

The house was 15k square feet, to walk through it was an honor. It was full of antiques and original artwork, like a museum. What is sad is that the billionaire attorney that hosts this party died at the end of October of a rare and aggressive form of cancer at 63 years old. He left behind a grown son, a little girl (3 y.o.) and 4 month old twin girls born with the help of a surrogate. I think his wife is in her 50's or maybe early 60's, although she looks amazing!!! They had the house open and we walked through the rooms! OMG!!! The nursery brought me to tears, sooooo beautiful! It would appear that they handled the surrogacy with pride and grace, something most people would try to keep quiet.
It was just neat to see how the top .5% live. Oh, and their windows and patio doors were custom made, I sell windows and I am telling you that they used curved glass. That is nearly impossible to do in a french patio door. It is one of those things that you say, "It can be done, but no one would pay for it." M was foaming at the mouth and taking pictures with the camera phone. There was marble everywhere, not pieced together marble, but solid marble.

OK..... So, my little sister was adopted 14 years ago at birth after my dad and step mother tried for many years to get pregnant. They did IVF, IUI, and tried a surrogate. Nothing worked. My little sister is an amazing kid and I am so grateful to have her in my life. Seriously, she is super well adjusted! Sooooo... she found out she was adopted this week on accident. They told her as a baby, and then something happened that freaked out my dad and s/m, so they stopped talking about it. She went through some old videotapes and one was from the court when her adoption was completed. HOLY SH**! So, here they are. They told me she handled it better than anyone. She was like, "ok." She even was consoling my s/m and dad who were freaking out. How that doesn't F' up a 14 year old, I don't know. I didn't have anything that dramatic happen to me and I was in therapy for years. It just goes to show that they have done a great job with her. If she doesn't throw that back in there face at least once or twice in the next 5 years, I am going to have her checked to see if she is a real teenager. I completely admire her! She has the most incredible singing voice!
M and I are getting along, we made up quickly. We have had a great week together. We are not pregnant again this month, but that is ok.

Ok, so I am a little hormonal today. I am still mad at him. I am copying my post to another IF girls blog because it all came spilling out there.
Popping my head in to say that I am so sorry to hear of the disappointment. We are moving on to IVF in January after only one BFN with IUI and injectables in September. I couldn't take another failed attempt. I have stage 4 endo. Those of us with endo and IF are members of an elite society. Few understand what it is like, the pressure on you and on your marriage. It is hard to keep your chin up and keep fighting especially when people are always telling you to relax, like you have a hand in making it all go away. I wish it were that easy.
Anyway, M has a lot of complaints about me. I have a lot to work on, but I don't need to be reminded. I do enough of that on my own. I am going to take this month off. M and I are both under so much stress with all of the travel and since he lost his job. He is about to get out of the shower and come to bed. This should be interesting.

Long story short, M and I are fighting. My feelings are hurt and I don't even want to talk to him right now. He was really picking on me last night. I am done trying for a baby...... I am not cut out for this. I am DONE.

I spoke with the IVF coordinator and I will not start med's until January 19th or so, with the egg retrieval at the end of January or the first of February. I should know if I am pregnant by Valentines Day!! If we get pregnant, we should have an early Fall baby.

I am going to have a proceedure where they measure for the placement of the embryo's on Friday and we have to have our HIV tests.

I spent Wednesday to Sunday with my family, including my sister and her kiddo's. I just love them so much. My family is so good to me, I am lucky to have them. It was wonderful have a holiday with no drama, no fights, and so many laughs.

I am off to Abilene for a couple of days to cover a training.

Another BFN. We are on to IVF, I will start birth control pills next week. At least I finally get a month off. I will save some money not buying $100 worth of pregnancy tests. I was really praying that we would have something exciting to announce at Thanksgiving dinner. I am bummed.

Infertility sucks.

On Thursday we went to Houston for a fundraiser. It was so much fun. Lots of local celebrities and dignitaries were there. The current Governor was there, he sat right next to us; as were a bunch of former governors. Clint Black performed, which was fun. He is excellent with just his guitar and his voice.

Deep breath... I have been struggling to cope with all of the stuff that is going on I need some good news. We are starting another 2WW tomorrow, I think. As I type, I am watching the neighbor across the street snuggling his little boy as he gets the mail. Sometimes I think, what did I do to deserve this kind of constant disappointment? What is God trying to teach me?

We went to Torah/Bible study last night. It was actually a lot of fun. We had a lively discussion about Miracles and how things have changed from the way they were described in the Bible. It is nice to have conversation about religion and beliefs and not argue with people.

Then we had a "Flavor Tripping party". You eat this berry, and then try different foods and bitter and sour taste sweet. You can eat a lemon and it tasted like lemonade, it was really cool! We met a bunch of nice people and I am looking forward to getting involved!

I am going back to the fertility specialist tomorrow to talk about starting the Invitro process when my cycle starts. I calculated it all and it will be over $15,000. I need a miracle to get pregnant on my own so I can end this madness!

We are having tax issues, it is so complicated. We get audited every year! I need to just leave it to my accountant because I have a lot of investments and stuff that I don't know about and what to do with it. I am going to send off all of my returns to him so he can see what we are doing wrong. Matt and I got in an argument about it. He wants to spend three hours cleaning the office and I want to work on our taxes and get his resume finished. That frusterates me about him. I am the kind of person that wants to start with the parts of the house that people see, he would rather organize drawers. grrrr.... We are both under stress.

I am beginning to suspect that I may actually have fertility issues. It sounds bizarre, but for the last six months, I knew there were problems, but I thought they would be easily fixed. I thought we were being proactive and could actually be going a bit overboard and being impatient. Tests, surgery, injections, IUI, vitamins....

I can't explain it, I guess I thought that it would resolve itself quickly. Like, here is an obstacle, here is a solution, there will be a baby the next month. Nope. I didn't think I was one of the girls that goes through rounds of treatment without success. Oh well. I have enough to worry about.

I have SO much work to do this weekend. I am helping organize our national accounts meeting and I need to check out hotels, work on a refresh project, complete my review, and catch up on 2 months of expense reports! Eeeekkk. I am going to make a list so that I don't feel so overwhelmed.

So, one week ago, M lost his job. After 5 years with his company, he is back in the job market. He got a severance package and his bonus, so in that sense they treated him well. He won't get another paid vacation like this again for a very, very long time.

My heart broke for him, I could tell he was devastated. He seems much more positive and relieved now. Selfishly, I am sad that we have to put off IVF a few more months. We can't afford to have it not work, because I am stressed out. I can only pray that God is going to help him find a job with infertility benefits. Maybe that is why this happened. I just have to believe that this is why my IUI didn't work and we haven't gotten pregnant to this point.

We went to the ranch to meet with my dad this weekend. It was really beautiful, we rode around on the 4-wheelers and just enjoyed looking at the stars and the silence. We saw deer, bunnies and a snake (a small one), and some other animals. There were ton's of newborn calf's! They are so cute! I will post some pictures tomorrow. I used to hate going up there, now I love it. I appreciate the quiet and privacy.

My dad had some business ideas for M. He makes everything seem like an opprotunity to grow. I know that M feels like he let my dad down, because he doesn't want him to worry about us. He want's my dad to feel like I am taken care of. My dad loves M like a son, and knows this is life, and he knows M works hard for us. I am off to bed, some of us have to work in the morning! : )

Another BFN... we are off to the land of IVF. I have an appointment with Dr. G on Monday morning at 9:00. We are very sad. We were hoping it would happen by some miracle, with out medical intervention. So, here we are, 10 months in and trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

On a happier note, we are going to a Halloween party tomorrow night. We went costume shopping and I am shocked at how all of the female costumes are so trashy. Hello? Can I be a witch, pirate, doctor or Cinderella with out it looking like a hooker costume? Nope... Matt will be a Carney and I will be his trashy girlfriend. It should be fun. I haven't been to a costume party since 99'.

Grrr... Matt and I have been arguing. That is so rare. It is so all about me, and I take it out on him I guess. I love him so much, but I get really mad at him. I am worried that he will die and I will never get to have children with him, or that I will end up a widow and have to raise our kids alone. It is irrational, but I am sure is normal. He drove drunk last spring and I flipped out. I was in the 2WW and could have been a pregnant widow. How could he be so stupid? I need him to take care of himself. I know anything can happen, but I can't live with him taking chances unnecessarily. I am also mad at his friends for allowing it to happen and laughing about it. They are all fathers and put thier own lives in danger. I may be overreacting, but it is the one thing that gets to me.
I am off to the store and to get some dinner, I slept the whole day! I have to prepare for travel this week.

I am back in a 2WW. This was a natural cycle and I seemed to have O'ed since I got a + OPK. I am so stressed with work, I am praying it doesn't hurt our chances. M has been so supportive and helpful. I love him! I have to travel next week for work. I hate going to East Texas. At least I am conducting a training class, so I am actually going with a purpose in mind.

I am going to try not to test for 10 days. Usually, I start testing at day 5. I bet I have spent over $600 on OPK's and pregnancy tests. I am out of control! We are off to an early dinner. M is taking me on a date! I could really use some down time after the week I had.

I will be doing the job of 3 people until the new guy and girl are trained. Booo Hissss... doesn't anyone know I am trying to make a baby here. I am going to need to take some time when I start the IVF process.

I have had a bad few days. I feel like I have done everything I can. We threw everything at this; money, technology, time, effort. It's so hard and so dissappointing. I feel like it is never going to end.

I miss the time when I didn't think about getting pregnant; when I didn't obsess about the baby that we didn't have. I miss just seeing the guest bedroom as the a room for guests and not a nursery that is empty.
Ok, enough feeling sorry for myself. Time to go to bed.

I am so freaking irritable! I am able to contain myself at work, but when I get off the phone I want to scream! I am been so short with DH. His feelings were hurt. I think it is hormones. It has to be hormones. I am irritable sometimes, but I am not always like this. I just want to rip someones head off. I went o pick up my prescriptions and they were at the wrong pharmacy, thanks CVS! It doesn't matter... point is, on my way over to the other CVS, I saw a squirrel get hit by a car. It didn't look like it was dead, it was just curled around itself and it's tail was moving. I kept driving, because I had to. So I get to the other CVS and wait behind some idiot and then the lady asks for my name five times. I am trying to be really patient... then I tell her that I have a rewards card, but it is done by my phone number. She doesn't even attempt to fix it, she just says she can't and she is snotty about it. I will take my business to Walgreen's that is opening up next week! I didn't say anything to her, I just grabbed my med's and drove on.
That is the story of my life. I am ready to scream and demand that things are done my way, but I don't, I let it slide over and over. Again, I just think I am getting the drug crazies from the hormones. I get up and down and angry and sorry and sad and feeling guilty then angry again.

Oh, so DH sells MY car to one of his coworkers. Yes, we are married, but my dad bought that car for me for graduation, it is in my name. At first, I wanted to tear his hair out about it. How dare he take possession something that is mine and decide to sell it. I made that kind of clear when he left. I thought about it, and then I thought he did a good thing for us. That car was about to break apart and the insurance on that 2001 piece of crap was higher than the insurance on my brand new Acadia and DH's truck. Oh well... I am meeting with a counselor tomorrow, hopefully she can fix me! I am off to bed. I have to talk to J about the changes in the job and try not to say all the crap that is really going on in my head. Everyone is complaining and moral is down in our group. I wouldn't be surprised if there are 3 or 4 more changes in the next few months. I am going to stick it out for now. I like what I do, I just hate that my manager DOES NOT FEEL THE NEED TO COMMUNICATE with me. A LITTLE PRAISE would be nice. I work 50x harder than any rep in this area. I work weekends, nights, even during my vacations. I don't need a f'n medal, but hey... how about "I know how hard you work here." It is so bad, that my boss has to ask us how he should talk about us. My concern is, do you not have a million great things to say about each and every one of your team members? Can you tell our strengths to someone else, with out having to be coached??? What is wrong with this picture? This is why I am certain, he does not like me. I know it is because I am jewish he is Evangelical.

OK, I am getting rilled up. I need to go to bed. My ambien has kicked in and I am typing in a drugged stupor.

I have had a hard time coming back to blog, I am not sure why. Maybe laziness. Our first IUI did not work. We had 6 big follies, and not ONE snuggled in for a 9 month stay. I was heartbroken and discouraged but not surprised. I took probably 10 HPT all BFN's, so I knew. I went for my follow up with RE, and my ultrasound showed too many LARGE cysts to move forward for another medicated cycle. We are going to try on our own this month.

Matt and I decided that we are going to go straight to IVF. So, I will be on BCP's for a month or two and then begin the long process. This is not how I pictured becoming a mom, but hey... that's the way it is. Maybe, by some miracle we will get pregnant on our own. I am stopping to count the days until O. OK I am back. I should O sometime between the 12th and the 15 October. So, I will go OOT for work this week, so that I am home in time for BD. Then on October 28th I should know if I am pregnant! That would have significance, since it is my little sisters birthday and the anniversary of an event that happened on the day she was born. 14 years ago. Bittersweet day.
I am off to bed.

Went we through with the IUI today. I am so scared that I should have waited till I had fewer follicles. I had so many over 15mm, I am at high risk for multiples. I would prefer one baby at a time, because I don't want them to have problems because of me. Also, I worry about my own health.

This is a solemn time for me. I should be really excited, but I am so nervous. I threw up last night. I hope it was food poisoning or nerves.

There is a story about quad's on the tv right now. Grrrrr.... that is a bad sign.


In other news, Matt and I have been married for 2000 days.

Woo hoo!! I have four good follies!! All over 14mm and one 10mm. My left ovary was a bust, but the right one is doing well. They printed out a picture for me! My endometriomas and cysts are still there, but don't appear to be growing out of control. Go eggies... please please please please please be healthy in the follie! It looks like IUI will be on Thursday. I am a little concerned because my OPK's are coming out lighter and lighter. My E2 was over 600 so I dropped my Follistim dose to 75IU.

Follie 1: 14.4mm
Follie 2: 14.1 mm
Follie 3: 10.4 mm
Follie 4: 14.6 mm

M went with me, although he didn't know what we were looking at. I had to have my blood taken from my hand again, grrrr... bad veins. I am starting to look like a drug addict. Also, I am getting bloated. It is all worth it for this baby!

Blood work came back fine E2 is at 385. Dr. G said I am responding nicely.

I go tomorrow for a follie check and more blood work. Tonight I take 75 UI of follistim. It should be interesting, because I did the math and my cartridge should be empty, but it is not. So, most likely I will need to stick myself twice. Poor M, he can't help by want to throw up. Yesterday, Dr. G had to draw my blood and just went through my hand. A little blood came out of the needle and dripped on his pants, M wanted to say something so bad! I want to get copies of pic's of my follies, I wonder if they will let me do that.

Thank God, my family in Houston is fine after Ike. Other than power outages and tree damage, they are safe.

They are all at the ranch, where there was little damage and the power is still on.

I am going to have my bloodwork tomorrow to see how I am responding to the med's. The shot really stung tonight. Ouch. M is being a trooper, is starting to like the role as medical assistant. Our appointment is at 9:00am so we should be hope before Ike get's really going. The news is saying that it will be raining, but the wind shouldn't be too bad until after noon.

Another shot in the belly tonight. It is getting a little easier. I need to let it warm up because it stings when it is cold. Please God, I do not want to overstim and make too many follies! Amen.
So far, so good.

M is so patient with me, sitting on the couch trying to do the injection. He counts out loud so I know I got the full dose. 1,2,3,4,5 and makes sure that it goes to 0. He kissed me on the forehead and said, "this is for our baby. Thank you for doing this."

I am praying for my family in Houston and praying that their property stays in tact with Ike on it's way.

We are expecting a lot of heavy wind and rain, but nothing like Houston.

A birthday miracle. I got a call from Dr. G last night and he said I could go ahead and try Follistim. My Estridol levels were OK, and one cyst looked like it was probably an endometrioma that was already there. I will be closely monitored. I am over the moon with excitment and hope.
Tonight, M took me to dinner and my dad surprised me by flying in from Houston and meeting us at the restaurant. It was a special surprise and just what I needed. I feel so loved and supported! It was such a remarkable day, and I was thrilled to share the start of this chapter with my dad.
When I got home, we read the directions and I gave myself the first shot. M was freaking out and practically sweating. He was holding the alcohol swab for me between his fingers and I swear he almost made it dissolve because of how tightly he was holding it. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but it is hard to just do it.
The last 6 months, it has been all about us; the travel, concerts, and food. I flew in a helicopter, in a float plane, ate sushi, saw bears, saw whales, cut my bangs, taken chances I wouldn't normally have the guts to try.... Now, it is all about the baby. I am amazed at how I will jump out of bed to go to my appointments, allow my tummy to be cut, stuck, poked and invaded. All for this little person I have not met. I have to go back on Saturday for my ultrasound and blood work, then again on Monday, and so on.

I went this morning to start injectables and left empty handed. I have more cysts, which I did not expect after I had the lap just three weeks ago. I am so disappointed. I looked at the screen during my ultrasound and saw them; one on the right is over 3cm. the one on the left was right under 3cm. I was ok at first, and then I fell apart waiting for Dr. G to show up from his other office. The nurse is so kind, and understanding. I am sure it is exhausting taking care of hormonal, disappointed, and anxious women all day.

I had to go back to work, even though, I felt like crawling back into bed. I just had no energy to deal with the people I work with. It makes solving window problems seem pretty insignificant. I finished what I had to do and came home. Matt feels so bad for me, and I feel bad for him. I know he feels completely useless in this situation. He can't make this better; he can't fix it, so he is anxious. I should be grateful that I am otherwise healthy, but I still feel sorry for myself. I need to brush off my knees and head on. We will try an unmedicated cycle, who knows, maybe God wants me to let my body do what it needs to do. If this month doesn't work, I will start BCP's and try again in November, that sounds like it is so far away. More later.

Ughhh... I can't decide if I should skip Clomid and go straight to injectibles. With only 6% of a success rate for pregnancy for my issues, it seems like a waste of time. I O, just not the way I am supposed to. It seems like a drastic measure. Everyone is leaving it totally up to me. Dr. G, gave me the %'s, and it just doesn't seem like it is worth it. I have already paid for and picked up the medications, I just don't want to waste an IUI and go through all of the emotional ups and downs. I don't know what to do. I am off to bed, I have a big meeting tomorrow.

I have been uncharacteristically forgetful in the last two weeks. I don't know what is going on. I have been super preoccupied with infertility, the trip to Tyler for the training, family stuff, OOT guests, and getting ready for the bosses visit next week. I think my plate is full.
I had my follow up visit with Dr. G. I have been diagnosed with stage three endometriosis. I am shocked, since I don't really have pain. It sucks. Chances are, I will have to have a hysterectomy at some point in the future, and I will always need help getting pregnant. He gave me pictures from my surgery, which is kind of neat.

I cut my hair and I have bangs now. I don't think I like them, because I suck at styling my hair. If I could have a superpower it would be hair, makeup and fashion sense; all things I lack entirely.

My new worry is that Matt will die. I had a dream about that the other day and I was devastated that I would never be able to have his child. We have been working really hard to get pregnant and he has been so supportive, charting and stuff.
I love my DH so much. Seeing the way other H's treat their wives makes me realize how lucky I am. Matt pampers me and carries so much of the burden for us. He is kind, generous, and thoughtful. I simply cannot live with out him. He is going to be such a good daddy.
I went to a baby shower last week. I cried on the way home. I hate being jealous! Literally, everyone there had children or was pregnant but me. Seriously, everyone. I was angry at my body and feeling guilty. Again, it is probably just hormones.
I was happy for the mom to be, because she has worked so hard for this pregnancy. I admire her courage and strength.
Matt is on his way home from the A&M game. I worry that he will be in an accident. He won't be home until 2:00am, so I will worry until then.

I am still hurting a bit, but I am healing well. I am really lonely and sad right now for some reason. It must be hormonal. I am tired of being stuck between, being pregnant and not being pregnant. Thank God for the ladies on my message boards. I am at the beginning of my journey, and many of them have been doing this for years. I can't imagine, and I hurt for them.

Only about 22 days until we start Clomid, that should be on my 33 birthday! And only 35-38 days until we IUI!!! I pray it doesn't happen on the 20th because Matt would have to miss his Aggie game. Or, I guess he would miss the IUI! He could leave a sample, but it is tacky enough that another man will inseminate me. So, by the end of September we should know for sure!

Please God, let everything be okay, so this is the month we get pregnant with a healthy baby. My reproductive organs are exhausted! Amen.

New obsession: tearing pages out of Parenting magazine and saving them. They have great ideas!

I had a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy yesterday. We had to be there at 5:15 am and I went into surgery at 7:15. It took about two hours. Dr. G. found that I had an endometrioma on one ovary, also called a Chocolate cyst. That is how much chocolate I eat, I am growing confections in my body! It looks like that was the problem, and they are out. There were other regular cysts on my other ovary.

I was so sick from the anesthesia that I didn't leave the hospital until 2:30 pm. Then I threw up on the way home and after I got home. I slept all day, and through the night. I feel a little worse today, so Matt went to get my pain med's. My throat is sore from being intubated, and I wonder if they took turns jumping on my rib cage. Other than that my belly is achy and bloated. It's hard to explain. It could be much worse.

This can't be as bad as pushing a baby out or having a C-section. Still, I feel some pain and bloating. Now we have to figure out if we want to try on our own, or try with Clomid and IUI.

I was hoping for a 2008 baby, now I will be lucky if I have a late summer 2009 baby. I should be happy that they found the possible reason for our infertility. I am not 100% sure this fixed it, but at least they found the possible cause. I am really lucky that it is not cancer, and that they found the cyst before it caused more damage. I have been reading about endometriomas, and it sounds like they can come back. I am wondering if we should do IVF, so we could freeze some of the embies in case I have issues ovulating in the future.

I am going back to bed.

So, I went in thinking I would walk out with my Clomid RX. Nurse L. did the ultrasound and found some larger cysts, including one that was an odd shape. I fell apart. I boo hoo'ed. I knew that would happen. She told me, I wasn't going to be able to take Clomid or have the IUI. That will set me back a month.
She said that she was going to take it to Dr. G and see if I needed a laparoscopy. She left the room while I changed into my clothes and told me to go to his office. He sat me down with a box of tissues and told me that I needed to get this looked at now. I asked him if it was medically necessary or just necessary for me to get pregnant. He said medically necessary. They need to rule out the slim chance that it is cancer. WTF? I just went in to get pregnant. Now in less than 48 hours, I will be sedated, intubated, and cut open (small cuts, but still cuts.)
I am angry, disappointed, sad, and feeling sorry for myself. I feel like a burden to Matt since he has to take time off to take care of me. I am scared of the anesthesia and being intubated. I want to give up, this is too hard. I am too tired. I don't want to try anymore. I worry that we will have a child with problems because I have tried so hard to get pregnant. I feel like I am being punished by God. I don't know what to tell my boss if anything. I just took time off for the trip, now I need a day for a procedure? Oh well...

Fertility Olympic results for me:
Gold for the swimming team! Go Matt!
Silver for POAS events.
Gold for giving complete strangers, family and friends TMI about my reproductive organs, cycles, and hormones.
Gold in the self pity, pouty, jealous, angry woman event.
Gold in emotional eating event.
Gold in spending too much time on the internet researching.
Silver in the laying on your back with your legs in the air after BD'ing. Great form and stamina, lost points for using headboard.
Gold for trying, Pre-seed, Mucinex, pineapple, and vitamins.
Bronze for temping.
Silver in checking CM and CP!
Disqualified because of packing cysts on my ovaries. Boooo Russian Judge!

Today is day one of this cycle and I am thrilled. I called Dr. G and they couldn't find my chart and told me they would call me back. They never did. grrrrr.... I should start Clomid on Friday!! Yay! I never want to seem pushy, but I need them to function. I am supposed to have an ultrasound to check these cysts before I start the drugs and they need to do 3 day bloodwork. If they haven't called by 10:30, I will call again.

I drove 316 miles to Palestine and back. All of my account visits went well, I can't complain. I got them out of the way for the month, and I got to listen to the radio.

1. Texas
2. Lousiana (Two many times)
3. New Mexico
4. North Carolina
5, South Carolina
6. Tennessee
7. Georgia
8. Virginia
9. Maryland
10. Deleware
11. Pennsylvania
12. New Jersey
13. New York
14. Washington DC.
15. Washington
16. Alaska
17. California (Three times Northern and Southern)
18. Nevada
19. Michigan
20. Wisconsin
21. Oklahoma

Mexico: Twice (Pacific and Gulf Coasts)
Canada: Twice (Ontario and British Columbia)

Tick, tock, tick, tock... still waiting. Any minute we will be on to our next cycle. I have decided to create the rest of my "baby list". Instead of a "bucketlist" we had a list of things we wanted to do before I get pregnant.

A few on the list:
Eat raw cookie dough (completing as I type).
Goat cheese, feta cheese, sushi! Ton's of lunch meat and diet coke!
At least one drunk night, haven't done that in a while.
Sleep... sleep... sleep
Read a book!
Yoga class.
Hot baths twice a day if I want.
Enjoy my clothes that fit.
Appriciate my belly button and my waist line.

I was super busy today at work, driving over 240 miles to Oklahoma and back. Thank goodness, gas is a little less expensive. I don't know what I am going to do when I get pregnant and then have the baby. I have a hard enough time making it with out stopping to use the bathroom, as it is. These long day trips are going to get so uncomforatable.

Since I had some time to think, it occured to me, that I am one of the few women that will be impregnated by a man other than her husband on purpose. It's funny, like 5 people, will be involved with, (God willing) my baby being conceived. That is pretty special.

This has got to work. I can't keep going through this over and over.

I am anxiously waiting for AF to show up. The clock starts there. I am so worried about planning everything. I need to stop worrying about it.

I am doing the job for two people, since J got fired. I have to travel the week that I am supposed to have my stim shot and the IUI. I have no choice, I have to go to this training. I can't reschedule and I will need to spend the night there. So, either I will have the IUI and then drive to Tyler or I will have to haul a**, back from Tyler and hop on the table. Now I am obsessed with possible complications and side effects. Man, I need to calm down. I am annoyed with myself.

I had the calendar out, actually two calendars, trying to do the math, counting days over and over. I then searched endlessly for a freaking pencil so that I could mark the days. I couldn't find a pencil that was sharpened, so I looked for a sharpener. I finally decided just stop. I am driving Matt crazy too. He is such a saint. I am lucky.

A little background, we have been TTC for over 7 months. Because of a history of PCOS and hormonal issues, I started testing for infertility in June.
HSG, showed tubes were not blocked.
Ultrasound, showed cysts on both ovaries.
Blood work, came back within acceptable range.
Diagnosis: PCOS, or unexplained infertility. It appears that I ovulate through blood work and OPK's, temp shifts, CM, but the egg is not being released. It could be PCOS, or poor egg quality. Previous history with autoimmune disease, could cause issues with spermies getting to the egg.
RE says, we probably will not get pregnant on our own, so here we are.

I have had a tough time with it, but I am hopeful. We will start Clomid next Wednesday or Thursday. We will do IUI on somewhere between day 13-15.
If we do not conceive, our next step is IVF.

I wish we had been able to do it on our own. I am grateful that we didn't wait any longer to go through infertility treatment.

I have been reading all about the side effects of treatment. You can gain 2 lbs a day! WTH? Who gains 2 lbs. a day before they are pregnant? Oh well. In the end, it is worth it.