Yes, I tried that too...

I have been uncharacteristically forgetful in the last two weeks. I don't know what is going on. I have been super preoccupied with infertility, the trip to Tyler for the training, family stuff, OOT guests, and getting ready for the bosses visit next week. I think my plate is full.
I had my follow up visit with Dr. G. I have been diagnosed with stage three endometriosis. I am shocked, since I don't really have pain. It sucks. Chances are, I will have to have a hysterectomy at some point in the future, and I will always need help getting pregnant. He gave me pictures from my surgery, which is kind of neat.

I cut my hair and I have bangs now. I don't think I like them, because I suck at styling my hair. If I could have a superpower it would be hair, makeup and fashion sense; all things I lack entirely.

My new worry is that Matt will die. I had a dream about that the other day and I was devastated that I would never be able to have his child. We have been working really hard to get pregnant and he has been so supportive, charting and stuff.
I love my DH so much. Seeing the way other H's treat their wives makes me realize how lucky I am. Matt pampers me and carries so much of the burden for us. He is kind, generous, and thoughtful. I simply cannot live with out him. He is going to be such a good daddy.
I went to a baby shower last week. I cried on the way home. I hate being jealous! Literally, everyone there had children or was pregnant but me. Seriously, everyone. I was angry at my body and feeling guilty. Again, it is probably just hormones.
I was happy for the mom to be, because she has worked so hard for this pregnancy. I admire her courage and strength.
Matt is on his way home from the A&M game. I worry that he will be in an accident. He won't be home until 2:00am, so I will worry until then.

I am still hurting a bit, but I am healing well. I am really lonely and sad right now for some reason. It must be hormonal. I am tired of being stuck between, being pregnant and not being pregnant. Thank God for the ladies on my message boards. I am at the beginning of my journey, and many of them have been doing this for years. I can't imagine, and I hurt for them.

Only about 22 days until we start Clomid, that should be on my 33 birthday! And only 35-38 days until we IUI!!! I pray it doesn't happen on the 20th because Matt would have to miss his Aggie game. Or, I guess he would miss the IUI! He could leave a sample, but it is tacky enough that another man will inseminate me. So, by the end of September we should know for sure!

Please God, let everything be okay, so this is the month we get pregnant with a healthy baby. My reproductive organs are exhausted! Amen.

New obsession: tearing pages out of Parenting magazine and saving them. They have great ideas!

I had a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy yesterday. We had to be there at 5:15 am and I went into surgery at 7:15. It took about two hours. Dr. G. found that I had an endometrioma on one ovary, also called a Chocolate cyst. That is how much chocolate I eat, I am growing confections in my body! It looks like that was the problem, and they are out. There were other regular cysts on my other ovary.

I was so sick from the anesthesia that I didn't leave the hospital until 2:30 pm. Then I threw up on the way home and after I got home. I slept all day, and through the night. I feel a little worse today, so Matt went to get my pain med's. My throat is sore from being intubated, and I wonder if they took turns jumping on my rib cage. Other than that my belly is achy and bloated. It's hard to explain. It could be much worse.

This can't be as bad as pushing a baby out or having a C-section. Still, I feel some pain and bloating. Now we have to figure out if we want to try on our own, or try with Clomid and IUI.

I was hoping for a 2008 baby, now I will be lucky if I have a late summer 2009 baby. I should be happy that they found the possible reason for our infertility. I am not 100% sure this fixed it, but at least they found the possible cause. I am really lucky that it is not cancer, and that they found the cyst before it caused more damage. I have been reading about endometriomas, and it sounds like they can come back. I am wondering if we should do IVF, so we could freeze some of the embies in case I have issues ovulating in the future.

I am going back to bed.

So, I went in thinking I would walk out with my Clomid RX. Nurse L. did the ultrasound and found some larger cysts, including one that was an odd shape. I fell apart. I boo hoo'ed. I knew that would happen. She told me, I wasn't going to be able to take Clomid or have the IUI. That will set me back a month.
She said that she was going to take it to Dr. G and see if I needed a laparoscopy. She left the room while I changed into my clothes and told me to go to his office. He sat me down with a box of tissues and told me that I needed to get this looked at now. I asked him if it was medically necessary or just necessary for me to get pregnant. He said medically necessary. They need to rule out the slim chance that it is cancer. WTF? I just went in to get pregnant. Now in less than 48 hours, I will be sedated, intubated, and cut open (small cuts, but still cuts.)
I am angry, disappointed, sad, and feeling sorry for myself. I feel like a burden to Matt since he has to take time off to take care of me. I am scared of the anesthesia and being intubated. I want to give up, this is too hard. I am too tired. I don't want to try anymore. I worry that we will have a child with problems because I have tried so hard to get pregnant. I feel like I am being punished by God. I don't know what to tell my boss if anything. I just took time off for the trip, now I need a day for a procedure? Oh well...

Fertility Olympic results for me:
Gold for the swimming team! Go Matt!
Silver for POAS events.
Gold for giving complete strangers, family and friends TMI about my reproductive organs, cycles, and hormones.
Gold in the self pity, pouty, jealous, angry woman event.
Gold in emotional eating event.
Gold in spending too much time on the internet researching.
Silver in the laying on your back with your legs in the air after BD'ing. Great form and stamina, lost points for using headboard.
Gold for trying, Pre-seed, Mucinex, pineapple, and vitamins.
Bronze for temping.
Silver in checking CM and CP!
Disqualified because of packing cysts on my ovaries. Boooo Russian Judge!

Today is day one of this cycle and I am thrilled. I called Dr. G and they couldn't find my chart and told me they would call me back. They never did. grrrrr.... I should start Clomid on Friday!! Yay! I never want to seem pushy, but I need them to function. I am supposed to have an ultrasound to check these cysts before I start the drugs and they need to do 3 day bloodwork. If they haven't called by 10:30, I will call again.

I drove 316 miles to Palestine and back. All of my account visits went well, I can't complain. I got them out of the way for the month, and I got to listen to the radio.

1. Texas
2. Lousiana (Two many times)
3. New Mexico
4. North Carolina
5, South Carolina
6. Tennessee
7. Georgia
8. Virginia
9. Maryland
10. Deleware
11. Pennsylvania
12. New Jersey
13. New York
14. Washington DC.
15. Washington
16. Alaska
17. California (Three times Northern and Southern)
18. Nevada
19. Michigan
20. Wisconsin
21. Oklahoma

Mexico: Twice (Pacific and Gulf Coasts)
Canada: Twice (Ontario and British Columbia)

Tick, tock, tick, tock... still waiting. Any minute we will be on to our next cycle. I have decided to create the rest of my "baby list". Instead of a "bucketlist" we had a list of things we wanted to do before I get pregnant.

A few on the list:
Eat raw cookie dough (completing as I type).
Goat cheese, feta cheese, sushi! Ton's of lunch meat and diet coke!
At least one drunk night, haven't done that in a while.
Sleep... sleep... sleep
Read a book!
Yoga class.
Hot baths twice a day if I want.
Enjoy my clothes that fit.
Appriciate my belly button and my waist line.

I was super busy today at work, driving over 240 miles to Oklahoma and back. Thank goodness, gas is a little less expensive. I don't know what I am going to do when I get pregnant and then have the baby. I have a hard enough time making it with out stopping to use the bathroom, as it is. These long day trips are going to get so uncomforatable.

Since I had some time to think, it occured to me, that I am one of the few women that will be impregnated by a man other than her husband on purpose. It's funny, like 5 people, will be involved with, (God willing) my baby being conceived. That is pretty special.

This has got to work. I can't keep going through this over and over.

I am anxiously waiting for AF to show up. The clock starts there. I am so worried about planning everything. I need to stop worrying about it.

I am doing the job for two people, since J got fired. I have to travel the week that I am supposed to have my stim shot and the IUI. I have no choice, I have to go to this training. I can't reschedule and I will need to spend the night there. So, either I will have the IUI and then drive to Tyler or I will have to haul a**, back from Tyler and hop on the table. Now I am obsessed with possible complications and side effects. Man, I need to calm down. I am annoyed with myself.

I had the calendar out, actually two calendars, trying to do the math, counting days over and over. I then searched endlessly for a freaking pencil so that I could mark the days. I couldn't find a pencil that was sharpened, so I looked for a sharpener. I finally decided just stop. I am driving Matt crazy too. He is such a saint. I am lucky.

A little background, we have been TTC for over 7 months. Because of a history of PCOS and hormonal issues, I started testing for infertility in June.
HSG, showed tubes were not blocked.
Ultrasound, showed cysts on both ovaries.
Blood work, came back within acceptable range.
Diagnosis: PCOS, or unexplained infertility. It appears that I ovulate through blood work and OPK's, temp shifts, CM, but the egg is not being released. It could be PCOS, or poor egg quality. Previous history with autoimmune disease, could cause issues with spermies getting to the egg.
RE says, we probably will not get pregnant on our own, so here we are.

I have had a tough time with it, but I am hopeful. We will start Clomid next Wednesday or Thursday. We will do IUI on somewhere between day 13-15.
If we do not conceive, our next step is IVF.

I wish we had been able to do it on our own. I am grateful that we didn't wait any longer to go through infertility treatment.

I have been reading all about the side effects of treatment. You can gain 2 lbs a day! WTH? Who gains 2 lbs. a day before they are pregnant? Oh well. In the end, it is worth it.