Yes, I tried that too...

So... here we go. M leaves for San Antonio on Sunday. I am trying to keep my chin up, since I know this is hard on him too. We will see each other on Thursday night. So it shouldn't be so bad. I have to go back next week for another day 3 us and bw. I will probably be on BCP's for three weeks then start stimming around July 25. I will get my new calendar on day 3 of my next cycle (so in about 8 days).

The best news I have received in a few days is... no PIO shots! My doctor uses the cream and suppositories. I hear from most women that they would rather have the PIO, I personally am thankful. SubQ shots are a piece of cake for me. The intramuscular were going to be tough. Thanks to all of my local blog friend followers that have offered to see my butt on a regular basis.

M and I talked on the way home. He has always made it sound like it could be a matter of a few months and he would be back here and would work in Fort Worth. I am starting to think he knows that is unlikely, but has been lying to me, or at least giving me, the unlikely best case scenario. I guess I will be going through this pregnancy alone. Please GOD, let this be my turn for a baby! I will do it alone, if this IVF works. I promise I will give it everything I have, husband or no husband.

I have had so many wonderful girlfriends offer, and want to be my partner during my birthing class, take the hospital tours, go to the ultrasounds and help pick out nursery stuff. I never thought I had that many wonderful friends. I am a lucky girl. To think of having Jessica as my labor buddy, or Chris filming my ultrasounds when we find out the gender.

I am still resentful that he is going to miss out on the day to day pregnancy stuff. Just being able to kiss my tummy goodnight, feel the babies kicking, or rub my back. It makes me sad, and it makes me angry that he is willing to give that up for a job. He says that he is hurting because he will miss out on this. But this was his choice. I fought, cried, bribed, and begged to get him to keep looking for something local. But, no... he is going. I even tried to get my dad to pay him to stay and take care of me. Then he has the nerve to say, why don't I just put off IVF.

I'll make this simple... I have been suffering the loss of our babies every month since we actively started trying. I have been poked, stuck, cut open and medicated for a year. I am ready for this. When we were supposed to start in November and he lost his job, I told him I would wait for IVF until January, then March, May was the deadline. NOW... it is July. We can afford this with or without his job. I am doing this.

He is laying here snoring and I want to punch him. He did buy one of those little computers that you basically just use for the Internet and signed me up with Skype. That is fun, but it is not the same. I can't believe the time is here.
I'd like to think that I am a positive person, so I try to keep my blogs positive, but I just get angry. That is why I don't blog as much.

I am about to go to bed. It will be a bumpy few months.

I am going in for my baseline sono and day 3 labs, for what seems like the hundreth time tomorrow. They will gave me a script for my BCP's and then a calendar to start my stim's in July. I still feel uneasy about doing all of this right now. I really want to say F it, I am going to do this, and I am going to do this now. As it sounds, I would start stim's July 6th or so and then do the Egg retrival on or around the 20th. We will shoot for a 5 day transfer of two or three.

I am really struggling to cope with M's move. I am go through phases where I am really angry, then I am ok, then I am really angry again. I keep thinking that maybe I should just move in with my sister, sell the house and just go. I just don't know what to do. No option is perfect, no option seems like it will work. He is leaving on the 18th or 19th.

I am off to bed.

Ok, so I have been highly emotional lately. Irrational, scared, and selfish. I am going through these phases. Today, I am at the bargaining stage. I can dip in to my trust fund and pay him to stay here and go to school if he wants. I can sell off some investments so that he can play golf all day. I have offered him, everything I have, even a new truck. I will sell my stuff. I will get another job. I will donate our extra eggs. Just so he doesn't have to go. I talked to my dad about putting him on the payroll to take care of me. That would be his job, and he would take care of the family properties, work on projects, but mainly just take care of me. Anyone, need an extra organ? I am pretty desperate to keep him under my roof at least 4 days a week.

So, I am feeling better about us. The job is still worrying me. I am certain if I through enough money behind it, I can make it happen. He can stay at home and never have to worry about taking care of us. He feels the opposite way. He wants to take the job in San Antonio, so he can come back and take care of us. We will find a compromise. I just know it. If not, it looks like me, the cats, and Matt will be staying in San Antonio in an extended stay hotel.

I think I am about to start. I took a few PT's this weekend. All BFN's. I am pretty sure we are about start our next cycle. I will call Dr. C and get this party started!

We are in Nacogdoches for work. M will hang out at the hotel until I am finished with my first call on my Lufkin account. Then I will pick him up, head to my Nac. store, then home. There were a bunch of deer hanging out side the window behind our hotel, so that was fun!

I am off to bed.