Yes, I tried that too...

Another emotional day: I don't know why, it must the the birth control pills. I stopped taking them on Wednesday and I finally saw a hint of AF today. Ugh... come on! I will go back on BCP's on day three. I am debating if I should count my spotting of today. I guess it doesn't make a difference since I don't start Lupron until August 11th.

M and I had a nice weekend. I was sad to see him drive off. We did a ton of shopping for decorative stuff for the house and we took a nap, went to dinner and just worked on some financial stuff. I miss him.

Friday was the worst day work wise. Ugh.. I was glad to see the weekend. I went with a friend to shop for decorations for a baby shower we are hosting for another friend. I must be crazy to host a baby shower during my IVF cycle. This is torture, I work really hard to be happy for my friends that get pregnant, but this is her second baby. She got pregnant on the first try. We went to dinner when she was in her 2ww, I was also in my 2ww. She drank it up, and tada... pregnant. Healthy baby boy. So, she get's a fancy shower with matching cups and napkins and $100 worth of invitiations, because Evites simply will not do. Everything has to match her nursery. I understand that, but can we not argue the difference between sage and sagey-blue.
Like I said I am just jealous and hurting. I WANT MY TURN! I won't care if there is tulle, or matching cups and napkins, evites, or anything. I will just be thanking GOD that I have something to celebrate. Buy my cake at Walmart, better yet cupcakes, whatever is on sale is perfect. I don't care if I get gifts, I just want a baby to have a party for.

I am fighting the pang of resentment. So, she is due in a few weeks and I am still sitting here blogging about not being pregnant.

I got an evite tonight for the 1 year b-day party for my BFF's twin girls, via IVF. Unfortunately, it is on the same day as the baby shower. I would love to see her girls.
I am waiting for my dear husband to arrive safely in San Antonio so we can Skype and say good-night. He is working himself to death.

Due to the operative report and some timing issues... I am in a holding pattern. I have to go off of BCP's tomorrow. Have a cycle, get a sono on day three, then start back on BCP's on Day 3... Then start Lupron 10 units on August 15th.





Apparently, women with bilateral endometrioma's are poor responders... so we are going to change the protocol slightly. The good news is that he is going to aspirate my endometrioma's when they do the retrieval.





Better news is that my mom is going to come home from New Mexico where she lives in the summer and stay with me from the ER to the ET. I should be fine alone, but it will make her feel better, and my mom makes everything better, so that is good.





No news on the dead/almost dead guy.

Still missing M like crazy, but it is kind of fun Skyping! We are really enjoying seeing eachother. I don't want to do this forever, but it is better than I thought.

Posting a picture of the needles needed for IVF. I stole this from a post.

Not dead yet, but seriously injured according to news reports. I am amazed he is alive. His body was mangled and he was not moving. He is hurt'n for certain. Only drunk drivers would survive being thrown out of a moving vehicle at 65 mph onto very hot asphalt and live to tell about it. I do feel better though. The image of his body and face were haunting me. Now I can sleep. I hope he heals, but I am pissed, because I was seconds behind him and he probably passed me at some point. I don't remember, of course I was too busy singing along to my ipod. I didn't notice until it I had to slam on my brakes.

TEMPLE (July 17, 2009)--Southbound lanes of I-35 in Temple were shut down Friday evening after a multiple car accident.
Police say they received several calls at about 6:50 p.m. about a reckless driver heading south on interstate in a black truck.
The truck crashed into another car just past Nugent Avenue, and caused several other chain reaction accidents involving several other vehicles.
The driver of the truck was ejected from his vehicle in the accident.
He was taken to Scott & White hospital with what police called "serious injuries."
Other drivers were hurt, but their injuries are said to be minor.
This crash also sparked another wreck on the northbound lanes of I-35.
No one was hurt in that wreck.
The southbound lanes remained closed Friday night as Temple Police and firefighters reconstructed the accident.

I saw a man die on the freeway today. There were cars going in every direction in front of me and I was able to stop with others. Thank God, I thought I was going to be rear ended or hit the person in front of me. Then we were all stopped. I couldn't see what was going on, but I could see people getting out of their cars. There were cars colliding on both sides of the freeway. We were stopped for about three or four minutes, and some of the people in front of me were driving down into a ditch to get out of the traffic. A cop came up alongside us and started waving people around. There were seven or eight cars piled up and as I drove past, in the lane next to me was a man laying there, maybe in his mid 20's with no shoes and one sock on. His body was twisted and his legs were mangled, but his chest was down, his head was turned toward my lane. His eyes were closed, that I could tell, and he had a gash on his forehead. It was over 100 degrees today, so the highway had to be so hot. There was a pick-up truck about 20 feet ahead with its door open. People were just standing next to him leaning over and crying. The cop just kept waving frantically for people to keep moving. I can't tell if he was ejected from one of the cars or hit by a car. The fact that there were car accidents on both sides make me think he was running across the freeway. I can't get his face out of my mind, or the fact that he had just one sock on. Where are his shoes? I feel so bad for this guys family. He died in a very traumatic and public way, but seemingly all alone. No one was touching him, they were just standing there. I have been searching the news on the internet to see if they say anything about him.

About seven years ago M and I witnessed a fatal accident on a dark two lane road. M didn't want to get out of the car. He knew it was bad so he called 911. I was really calm, I grabbed my first aid kit, a flashlight and gloves . At the time, for work I had to keep all of that in my car. Two minivans hit head on and both men died. One man was literally, hanging out of the window at the chest. He was clearly dead, the other man was wedged below the dashboard. I tried to check for a pulse, but the bones of him arm were sticking out of the skin. He was drooling and his eyes were partially open. I tried to feel for a pulse on his neck but there was none. When the ambulance arrived they just threw a sheet over him. We couldn't get to the other man. And he didn't respond when we were calling to him. I read in the paper the next day about how they both died. It is still fresh in my memory. Both in a minivan, driving opposite directions, and neither wearing a seat belt; what are the chances?

I am so thankful to be sitting next to M at my sister’s house. We are safe and I have a renewed appreciation of life and how quickly things change.

Tough day today... it is nothing and it is everything. Work is stressing me out and it shouldn't.
I am looking forward to seeing M tomorrow. I will drive to Austin and meet him there. I am just feeling so blah...

I am tired of fixed other people's problems. I need to deal with my own. People are so caught up in their own drama they never stop to think that it is adding to my frustration. That pisses me off. I need to draw a line and only let positive influences in. Now more than ever, I can't waste emotional energy on others superficial issues. I am trying to make a human being.

Rant over.

Tomorrow at 10:30 I have my "pre-start meeting." It is where I am given my protocol, prescription, injection education and just basically learn everything IVF related. I am going to take my operative report. I just received it last week. Lesson #1: be an advocate for yourself.

So: my operative report states that my ovaries had large endometrioma's on them (bilateral endometrioma's). My ovaries were densely adhered to the pelvic side walls (not a good thing) and had to be released. Posterior cul-de-sac have endometriosis and in a nut shell everything was stuck together ("a coagulation of these area of endometriosis). My prognosis for achieving pregnancy was "very poor." Fortunately, my uterus is in good shape, it is just everything outside of this. From what I can tell... my ovaries were being pulled away from my fallopian tubes, my fibrae (the little sweepers that sweep the egg into the tube) are tangled and gooped up with endometriosis. The doctor did note that my exterior lady parts are "normal" which is a relief; as you don't want t hear that your v.ul.v.a and vajj is abnormally large or something. My right fallopian tube had a cyst on it. I don't know how any of this will impact my IVF chances. I will have to discuss this with Dr. C tomorrow.

Please God let me move forward with this! My mom wants to come into town to stay with me for the ER (egg retrieval) and ET (embryo transfer). I am going to need to check the calendar they give me tomorrow to make sure that can happen! I will update tomorrow, I can't believe we are here!!!

I found this on a website. Funny.

So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?(author unknown)
1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!
2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!
3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.
4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.
5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.
6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.
7. So... when are *you* going to start walking?
8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!
9. But don't you *want* to walk?
10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.
11. You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.
12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.
13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.
14. Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?
15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.
16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.
17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.
18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.
19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.
20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.
21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.
22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!
23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!
24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.
25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!
26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!
27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.
28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running...

I look like a drug addict. This vein stopped flowing so she ended up going through my wrist. That one didn't bleed. I don't know what that line is from, I can only guess it is because she wrapped it in an ace bandage type material.

My trip to the ranch was wonderful, but I am extremely sunburned on my legs. OMG! OUCH. Had a great talk with my dad. I can't thank him enough for making this process easier. He is worried that I won't be able to handle if we are not successful.

I have had two years of BFN's I think I can do this. My step-mother went through five years of this, so my dad is thinking of all that she went through. I will be ok. I have a great support network. Per his request, we are going to start the adoption process next week. I am going to look into different agency's. My sister was adopted through an open adoption, and my step-mother is going to help me write my birth mother letter. It seems like a surreal thing to do, but since the adoption process can take years, they think we should at least get it started. So, I figure it can't hurt.

Anyway, Matt drove away in one direction, I went in the other. I didn't cry this time. It was amazing spending the weekend with him. I am happy right now. I miss him, but I am happy he is working hard for us. I have so much to be grateful for.

Finally!! I am not 100% sure that the issue with my huge endometriomas is solved, but Dr. C gave me the go ahead! I have two on one ovary and one on the other that is as large as the ovary. I had my day 3 sono and they gave me a copy of the one with the huge endometrioma, I will scan it in. I then went to get my blood draw and she stuck me twice, once in the forearm (not near the elbow and the next one in my wrist. Both have left big bruises. I am not afraid of needles, but this lady was not gentle at all. Ouch.

Anyway, I go in on July 15th to get all of my information and the med training. I am supposed to stay on BCP's until July 22, then start my protocol. They will go through more of it when I meet with them on the 15th. Dr. C mentioned repeating my hysteroscopy to check my uterus since my endometriosis is so bad. I hope that doesn't push me back. I do need a saline sono. My old RE left my chart incomplete. They can't find an operative report from my lap/hysteroscopy and there are no photos. WTH, I think that is malpractice or something.

I am at my ranch with M. We met up here for the weekend. It is so wonderful to have him laying next to me snoring!!! I love smelling him, touching him and hearing him. I missed him so much! He loves his new job and is learning a lot. He gets so excited talking about it.

We are going to spend the weekend here with my dad, s-mom, little sister, and my older sister and her three kiddos. It is so freaking hot, I will probably just hang out in the pool and lay around inside hanging onto M the whole time.

I used to hate it up here. Now I love it! It is so quiet and you can see so many stars. We have all of the comforts of home, Internet included, but no traffic and no where to be. The best part is getting to spend time with my family and we can spread out. I am certainly not the outdoorsy type, but I can't wait to bring our babies here for nature hunts for bugs, frogs, and turtles. I want to take them rock hunting, watch them the feeding horses cookies, and watching them run barefoot through the grass flying a kite. Ahhh... now it is time for bed. Everyone will be here tomorrow and it won't be as peaceful.

Well, I made it! M has been gone since Sunday and I lived. I have made the best of it. I am lonely, but I can't wait to see him tomorrow. I know it will be hard to say goodbye on Sunday.
So far, I am proud of how we have both handled being away from each other. I am really excited about sleeping next to him. Ugh..

Tomorrow appointment with RE at 9:00. Blood work and ultrasound. I will officially start the process, if my cysts are smaller. I am just going to take it one day at a time.

I am off to sleep. I am exhausted.