Yes, I tried that too...

Creeping out of my shell... I called the embryologist again today. She pulled my report, we had 11 to chose from going into day 5. Two were transferred and the rest didn't make their standards for freeze. That is ok though, at least I know I had some. She explained that we could have transferred 8 of the 11 and had a good chance of them making it in my womb. Any, that gives me more hope. I am feeling sooo much better.

It has been a good day! I can't wait to get my blood results back. These hormones are really doing crazy things to my brain.

Thank you for all of the well wishes. I am hiding under the covers, and I am going to lay low until Sunday. Tomorrow night is Rosh Hashana, and I don't want to go. I don't have the energy, I just want to curl up next to M and breathe and stay calm.

Also, I have to work on Saturday. So, my issue: Do I tell my boss hey it's a high holy day and I am not supposed to do anything other than rest, pray, attend services and celebrate with family. You are never supposed to work on the Sabbath (Friday sundown- Saturday Sundown) but I have anyway. This is a high holy day though:
A) I really need to pray and to be around the feeling of community and hope. I can barely get out of bed.
B) I am scared if I skip it and work and I don't get pregnant that it will be because I didn't honor the Sabbath and take the time. MOST IMPORTANT FACT
C) My boss is extreamly religious (evangelical) as is most of my company. I think I am the only Jew in the company of 10K people. I don't want to stand out. Yay! Just another reminder to him that I am going to hell and that I try to take the Christ out of Christmas. Which by the way is a plight of the atheists. Jew's typically don't care. We are used to be in a Christian world and try not to rock the boat, as we are usually the ones burned in the ovens, starved, and worked to death.

We have a regional meeting on Tuesday and Wednesday, my beta is on Thursday. The whole team is flying in, inlcuding my managers manager. Yay! I get to put on a happy face for those two days. Yipee.

None made it to freeze. I have nothing left out of 26. I lost 24 of them. How does this happen? We had 17 going into day 5, we tranferred two and none made it. I am desparate for one or both of these babies to make it. I won't feel secure until I have a baby screaming to be fed. Then I will have a whole other set of issues. I am just so dissappointed that I lost them all and it makes me question how these two are any different. I knew what my chances were, but will the number of fertilized I just thought that we had gotten around my infertility issues. I am not going to try again... it will be time to start the adoption process. I can't do this again. I should have stayed in with accupuncture. I don't know what went wrong... I am sooo sad. Poor M, had to leave for San Antonio. I tried to hold back my tears until he left. He came back in to get the keys and I was bawling. He didn't want to go, but he has to make his flight. I don't want him to worry about me. It sucks that my dad was right. I should have kept all of this to myself. I did everything but buy signs for my car advertising what we were doing. Please God, please let there be a sticky baby in there. This is awful, I am so done with infertility treatments.

My pregnancy test is on Sept. 24th! They will repeat it in 24 hours and then I will have a ultrasound 3 weeks later to see if there is a heartbeat/beats.
One is really organized and one is sort of a free spirit!

I think they are cute, but doesn't everyone think that?

Edited to say that clearly, after doing research, the one on the left is an AAA or an AAB. That guy was not telling me the truth.

Just a quick note:
A) I can't believe it is here!
B) I am having a hard time thinking, that this might be the last night I am alone in my body for 10 months. That is weird.
C) This is maybe the last night that M and I will not be "parents".
D) Technically, if it's for even a few days, I will be pregnant!

Of course this is all best case scenario.

I am off to bed.

We got the call! 17 are still going! Go babies go! 11 8-cell and 6 6-cell. They are exactly what we are looking for on day 3. My transfer is on Tuesday at 11:00. We plan on transferring two and freezing the rest. I am still throwing up once or twice a day. It comes on very quickly, I am fine, then I feel my mouth watering. After I am done, I feel a better. Sleep is my best friend. I am so tired all the time. I can't wait until the hormones wear off and the pregnancy takes over. I don't mind being sick if there is a reason for it.
My sister just showed up with her four boys. They are all 6 and younger. So, cute. I need to go be social. I am recognizing how not child friendly my house is. Maybe we should have gone over there.

Still doing well. I am sooo tired and really sore. My mom, M, and I went to eat at a wonderful restaurant for lunch. That pretty much pooped me out. Tomorrow we are going to a meditation class and then we will wait for my fert report. I am having surges of adrenaline when I think of them. I will be waiting by the phone and then come back to report. Thank you for all of the encouragement! I can't believe it is almost here!

Of course, I sit by the phone all morning, I step away for two mintues and miss their call.
I am so blessed so far, my cup runith over.

26 eggs retrieved.
19 Fertilized!!!!
1 is mature and they are holding on to it.
4 were immature and were discarded
2 were dead eggs

I am just praying I have some to freeze. That will take so much of the pressure off of this cycle. We will implant two, and freeze the rest. It is like a dream.

We will transfer 2 on Tuesday.

I vomited this morning. I think it is from the Antibiotics or the trigger shot. Ughhh... I hate throwing up.

I had my egg retrieval today! They were able to get 26 eggs! Eeeeekkk.. Most were probably immature and I may have lost a bunch of them because he had to go through my endometrioma's to get to them. Just a reminder endometrioma's are cysts that are filled with blood and tissue (I know gross huh?). We were not expecting anything close to that! The proceedure was easy for me and my nurses were the best! They were so comforting. I recovered really well and went home with out nausea. I am a little sore, but fine otherwise. I took a long nap and we had PF Changs for dinner.

I meant for M to video when they told me how many, but he forgot. I looked awful anyway. Apparently, I am super happy, apologetic and complimentary when I am doped up. I was thanking them and saying how wonderful he was! I don't rememer much of that, I had to keep asking how many they got. At first Dr. C said 23 then he popped his head in and said 26!

My nurse was Italian and sang Happy Birthday to me in Italian.

Dr. G, my old RE was there. M saw him in the hallway. Awkward. I am sure he had no recollection of who I was and probably didn't care.

I will update when I find out how many fertilized!!

Thursday is the day! Today's ultrasound went really well, I have 5 big mature follicles and 11 smaller ones. We could get any where from 4-17 eggs! Where did they come from? My E2 is well over 3000! On Sunday, I was devastated.


I triggered at 8:15pm tonight. My retrieval is at 8:15am on Thursday morning, my 34th birthday, and what would have been the 71st wedding anniversary of my maternal grandparents. M and my mom are coming in to help me.

The side effects are getting tougher, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you to all of the wonderful ladies that have helped me get through this. I can't believe we are almost there.

M acknowledged that this my not have been the best time to put football first. Not while I am doped up on hormones. My mood swings are the worst and looking back, I couldn't really remember why I was so upset. I guess I feel like I used to really need him. I know that I don't really need him, but I want him around. When he is gone during the tough times, that is clear to me. I am off to bed. Gotta take care of these little ones.

I am sad and hormonal. Went this morning for blood work and ultrasound. Not making much progress E2 is only 1900 and I had 12 follicles. Only three were over 16mm. I go back on Tuesday. M has asked the big ones to look out for the little guys. We need everyone to grow, grow, grow. He says that he pictures something like Fraggle Rock going on in my ovaries. Little things with hard hats working nonstop to make the follies grow and the eggs get ready.

The nurse said we will be lucky to get 6-8 to grow big enough to produce mature eggs. I will be lucky if we have any to transfer on day 5. M and I got in an argument because he went to the game yesterday and was gone from 8:00am -1:30am. I was left to give myself my shots and eat left overs. He was out partying with his friends. That was fine. I was irritated, but I didn't say anything. Then today he hurried out the door to go to a football draft. So, again, I am left to do my shots.

I feel sick and irritated. Physically, this is becoming so hard, and emotional this is awful. Everything was going well until Friday. This headache will not go away and I am constantly on the verge of tears. It is so easy for him to escape all of this and run off to San Antonio during the week and escape during the weekend. I can't whine, because I am being a bad wife. Today, I just wanted him to sit here and reassure me that everything will be ok. He was in such a hurry to get to the draft. I have sacrificed everything for him to follow his dreams and desires.

I am going to dinner with a friend, then I will clean the house, again... alone.

Back to the doctor we went this morning. M recorded it. 12 follicles are growing. 5 on one side 7 on the other. They didn't tell me sizes. My E2 went up to 1100! I am bummed about only getting 12 follicles, but that is what we expected. My last RE wanted 20+, but my new RE thinks that quality is better than quantity. You could stim for 20+, but still only a certain amount will be viable and large enough. We go back to the Dr. C's office on Sunday at 8:15 am and probably on Monday as well. No way to say for certain, but I should trigger on Tuesday and have my ER on Thursday, my 34th birthday!!

M said he will have a father-egg chat with them tonight to make sure everyone know what they are supposed to do.

I took a nice long nap. In part of my dream I was jumping out of the car to escort deer across a busy road. It may have something to do with the fact that we saw a few hunters in a field near our house hunting dove and M started honking the horn. I love this man.

My E2 is up to 430. Things are still going well. My blood draw hurt like crazy. They had to go through my wrist since my hands are shot and my arms are worthless. I go back on Friday morning. M is coming home tomorrow and staying until Monday. I am hoping I will trigger sometime on Tuesday or Wednesday.

I am so tired, I slept from 7-9:30 again. I woke up and thought it was 9:30 in the morning. Other than feeling like a crazy person and tired, I am feeling good.

Update: Went in on Monday and I am responding well. They are not 100% optimistic, but this is where we are so... I have continued with the three drugs. I go in tomorrow for another blood test. I am bruised up like a drug addict. I also got a flu shot today, my arm hurts.

I went today for my acupuncture appointment. Today she hooked the needles around my pelvis up to an electric current. It didn't hurt, just feel like vibrations. So, I took my IPOD again. I ended up listening to "Fix You" by Coldplay. I started to cry. I am not really a Coldplay fan although I don't mind them. Actually I am really behind on current music, since I listen to a lot of talk radio.

Matt played it for me on one of our car trips and said that he thought of me with this song.
I just started crying laying there, listening to that song. I pictured our journey over the last 9 years together. I thought of the over 50 negative pregnancy tests, shots, tests, blood draws ultrasounds, side effects, sadness, desperation, and false hope. Then I pictured my belly getting bigger every month and giving birth and then Matt rocking our baby. I just tried to focus on that.

I talked to my ovaries and my follies and my eggies. "Come on little ones. Come on. Daddy and Mommy are waiting for you." I could seriously feel them pulsating. It is hard to grasp the concept that I cannot make a baby. I am starting to cry just thinking of those little single cell eggs getting big and strong. I have done everything asked of me. Next week it will be out of my hands. I am praying to God that one of those little ones is ours to keep and raise.
"Come on little baby, Lights will guide you home."